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Rose Roasts [READ ONLY - DO NOT POST]

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Rose Roasts [READ ONLY - DO NOT POST]

Postby Nori Region » Tue Oct 05, 2021 4:23 pm

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Rose the sylveon
Often mimicked, never duplicated
Infiltrator all substitutes

What is Rose Roasts?

The most popular stand-up comedian in the Nori Region is Rose the sylveon. Known for her cutting cynicism, black comedy, and unending sass, Rose routinely attracts large audiences even as she openly insults her own fan base. Rose has done a number of comedy tours, from Unova to Orre, and even overseas in Galar and Kallos. These comedy tours not only attracted large audiences, but have been very popular online. Her popularity has lead to streaming platforms giving Rose her own show, called Rose Roasts, where she can talk at length about different subjects. Rose Roasts frequently has celebrity guest stars over to interview, though long before the end of the show, Rose proceeds to "roast" her celebrity guests.

To give an idea what kind of comedy Rose is known for, here is her "trainer skit", one of her most famous skits:

"Trainers, amiright? They say they're going to love you forever, but then they shove you into a box and forget about you.

Funny story; that actually happened to me with first trainer. He was such an asshole. Back when I was a little eevee, he was trying so hard to evolve me into a specific form. But instead of pretty pink me, he wanted a stupid fucking umbreon.

Look, any umbreons in the audience or watching at home, I don't think you're stupid for being an umbreon, okay? I love all eeveelutions. I love all pokemon. No, I think you're stupid, completely fucking stupid, for wasting your time watching my show when there's much better things you could be doing with your time. You could be playing catch. You could be cuddling up by the fire. You could be training to be the very best, like no one ever was. You could be watching a Cardinal Lee movie. And those of you in the live audience there, you're the biggest suckers of all, paying real, actual money, and coming out here all this way to see me. Me! I'm not really that funny. If you think I'm funny, you should go see a doctor, because you have fucking brain cancer.

Anyways, so you know how this goes. I evolved into a pretty pink sylveon, and my trainer was so fuming mad. He was yelling, throwing things at me, calling me useless. It really hurt. Then he put me back in my pokeball, and shoved me into a box on the computer. For any humans watching, time in a pokeball or in a box on the PC, it passes a lot faster than when in meatspace. So when I sat there, and it actually felt like I was there for a while, I got worried.

So there I was, trapped in that box for what felt like ages. Eventually I was let out of the box. Not by my bastard trainer, no, but by pokemon thieves. The dumbass didn't put a two-factor authentication on the box, so thieves were able to break into the box. They got arrested by the pigs about a week later, and I was put up for adoption. You already know the rest of that story.

So what can you learn from this? Well, I've said it before and I'll say it again, if you're trying to learn life lessons from my stories, you're a stupid sack of shit."


Another well known skit Rose did, this one on the pilot episode of Rose Roasts:

"So, when I first got this show, the producers faxed me a really large document. At first, I was just dumbfounded. What fucking idiots are still sending faxes? Aren't there simpler, less wasteful ways of sending the information? For fuck's sake, my trainer, Cyan, is one of the best computer programmers in the whole damn region. They could have sent an email. I know they have my work email, I've sent them the damn thing no less than seven times.

Well, I got Cyan to go over this fax with me. Cyan's still helping teach me to read - I can read a bit on my own, but she really helps when it comes to these things. Turns out, the document was a list of persons and companies that the producers didn't want me to insult on air. What a fucking joke, amiright? It's like, have they never seen my comedy tours before? You lot, my viewers, might be fucking stupid, but even you would notice something like this. Ah, Arceus help me. Well, it's a good thing I got Cyan to help me read that damn fax, because Cyan thought there was something fishy about this document. So we got some lawyers to look at the damn fax. And it's just like my trainer thought - not a damn thing about this was legally binding. Did they think I wasn't going to notice just because I'm a pokemon?

Anyways, so the next time the producers and I got to talking, they asked me what I thought of the fax. I said to them, and I quote 'Thank you for giving me more papers for my litter box!' They tried to tell me 'Oh, you can't do that! We'll sue you!' Oh, those poor, poor fools. I told them, 'Oh, really? I already had our lawyers look over it. They looked back over our original contract. That document you sent me could be considered breach of our original contract. So, there's two things we can do. You can go back to following the original contract, I'll use this document for my litter box, and this entire exchange will end up in my show. You'll be a laughing stock, the subject of much public ridicule. Or we can talk about your breach of contract in court, with a lawsuit to the sound of 2.2 billion pokeyen. What will it be?'

Seeing as I'm telling you about this on my new show, and not in a courtroom, you can guess what they went with."
Last edited by Nori Region on Tue Oct 05, 2021 4:40 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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