NEWS FROM NORTHUMBRIA - comments open

[Nationalist Northumbria]

[Nationalist Northumbria]

JEREMY KYLE SHOW REBOOT CANCELLED AFTER FIRST EPISODE

The Jeremy Kyle Show reboot has been cancelled after its pilot episode after the robotic impersonation of Jeremy Kyle that was hosting the show was forcibly disassembled by the audience after making a poorly-received statement that was perceived as attempting to defend a man accused of serial adultery with members of his wife's family.

President Alvin Ashleigh applauded the audience, saying that the robot's head being stuck on a pike and paraded through the streets was "very funny". Tyne Tees Television has apologised to the public, saying that the show itself and the robot's "patronising, insulting attitude" was "completely inappropriate". The scheduled airings of the show's episodes will be replaced by reruns of Super Gran.

[Nationalist Northumbria]

MAN FALLS IN CHEESE PASTY MACHINE DURING GREGGS FACTORY TOUR

A 39-year-old man from Sunderland has been killed in an accident at a Greggs factory in Durham. Police say that the man, who was part of a tour, was leaning over the cheese pasty machine when he fell in and was, according to eyewitnesses, “minced”.

President Alvin Ashleigh said that “while unfortunate, we will not let this incident affect a Northumbrian flagship brand such as Greggs and so the factory will stay open and no investigation will be held”. When a member of the press accused him of making a heartless decision, Ashleigh responded by accusing him of being “a member of the cult of liberal-elitist elf ‘n’ safety” and reminded him that advocacy of health and safety regulations is an offence punishable by up to five years in prison.

The cheese pasty has, however, been temporarily moved from the vegetarian section in Greggs bakeries.

[Nationalist Northumbria]

NORTHUMBRIA REMEMBERS 9/11

Today, on the nineteenth anniversary of the September 11th attacks, President Alvin Ashleigh led a remembrance ceremony outside the American embassy in Newcastle together with the American ambassador for the 2,977 people killed that day. A minute of silence was observed before Ashleigh gave a brief speech:

"Today we are remembering the horrific attacks committed by Islamist terrorists against the American people. We also remember those such as the emergency workers who died in the following years as a result of adverse health effects from the attacks. Thank you all for coming," said Ashleigh.

Ashleigh also said that America "has been Northumbria's closest friend".

[Nationalist Northumbria]

NORTHUMBRIA SIGNS FRIENDSHIP TREATY WITH JINLAND

Northumbria has signed a treaty of friendship with the Heavenly Khaganate of Jinland after discussions lasting a month. President Alvin Ashleigh said “the Jinnish do a lot of coal mining just like us. That is why we should be and indeed already are friends.”

Talks began after Ashleigh decided while browsing Wikipedia that Jinland is “the Chinese Northumbria”, a description that was at first thought to have backfired given its ‘Sinostatist’ implications. It later turned out that this had not actually been a problem, though by the time of the treaty’s signing he had corrected himself and referred to it as “the East Asian Northumbria”.

In response to this, opposition groups held a protest at Newcastle Monument and accused Jinland of being "Nazi".

[Nationalist Northumbria]

BEGINNING OF ACADEMIC YEAR DELAYED DUE TO ‘COORDINATED HACKING ATTEMPT’

Classes have been cancelled and students sent home following attacks on academic cyberinfrastructure that left schools and institutes of higher and further education across Northumbria without access to their computer systems and databases. President Alvin Ashleigh said that this showed the dangers of relying on new technology. According to a recent poll 90% of Northumbrians agree with him.

Ashleigh has accused the Danish, Norwegian, and Swedish governments of being behind the attack and has demanded that they cease the attacks immediately, publicly apologise, and pay reparations to Northumbria for both the Norse raids and these attacks or “face the might of the Northumbrian people and their allies”. In a joint statement, the prime ministers of these countries denied responsibility.