Dornie News Thread (FT-IC Maintenance Thread)

[New Dornalia]

OOC: Mr. MooCow's used with the blessing of Rohane Alista, who helped make a few edits to the MooCow's story.

IC:

Dornie News Network

Hello, this is Gracie Liang, and welcome to NDBC News. Tonight’s top stories:

Mr. MooCow’s Opens in Oceanside, Rivals Nonplussed

In news which is sure to shake up the landscape of Dornieland fast food, a local branch of Rohanian fast food chain Mr. MooCow’s has opened in Oceanside. Mr. MooCow’s specializes in a variety of beef-based products, ranging from hamburgers to steaks, and joins a very competitive market alongside other chains such as Porkwich’s, BurgerShot, In-N-Out and Cluckin’ Bell.

When asked about the viability of opening a new hamburger restaurant chain in Southern California--a region known for a love of hamburgers--Anita Persky of Rohane Alista Industries Dornalia, based out of San Diego, had this to say.

*image cuts to an attractive young human woman with a pair of dogs' ears on her head and a tail, whose ancestry is well, Slavic-ish. She's wearing a suit with a skirt, and is standing in front of the Oceanside location.*

“We recognize that the people of this region know what makes a hamburger work. But I think we’re game for it. Mr. MooCow’s brings a level of quality you’re not going to get at the other chains. Besides, Porkwiches is pork, and we sell beef. We’re not overly concerned, since we stand by our burgers and know that people are gonna come around to them.”

Persky noted that the Oceanside location is only one of several such initial restaurants.

“We’re going hard, and we’re going deep. Simple as that. We’re opening the Oceanside location as part of a simultaneous rollout, with locations in Long Beach, Chicago, Ft. Casimir Pulaski in New Chi-town, Hammertongs, New Sapporo, Alvaria City and other major Dornalian cities.”

*Anita holds up hamburger, and bites it, chewing and swallowing*

“I mean, for God’s sakes--we’re not bogarting something this good. Seriously. Best hamburger I’ve had in ages.”

Competitors of course, are nonplussed. Said Ramona Sin, CEO of the Dornalian branch of Porkwich’s:

*Image cuts to Dornie catgirl, sitting at a desk with a suit, with a Porkwich on her desk*

“I like Ms. Persky’s attitude but look--I think if you’ll look at our totally unbiased survey, people totally dig ground pork sandwiches. I mean, fuck, we’ve got a Teri-pork sandwich unique to Dornieland, people. You think some hamburgers cooked up by a buncha nudists are gonna beat that?”

Still, Mr. MooCow’s people are optimistic.

*cuts Anita in front of the Oceanside location, drinking a shake*

“So, a catgirl thinks she can swear on live TV, and use that to promote her ground pork patties? Please. That kind of swagger, they gotta be hiding something. We just offer good food, at a most pleasant price. Don’t need any fucking language for that.”

Rumors have it that rival chain Nyan Nyan, based out of Hajarra, has challenged members of the Mr. MooCow’s staff to a “rumble” to be held somewhere in the LA River, with the statement saying “We will abide by all rules of Dornie Rumbles--no touching of the hair or face.” No commentary has been issued by either side.

Fangirls arrested in Konoha County

Konoha Constabulary police today arrested fifty two individuals attending the Konoha Comiket, an annual science-fiction convention held in that County. The individuals, arrested on various charges including disorderly conduct, assault, and jaywalking, belonged to two groups of fangirls--the National Socialist Japanese Animation Appreciation Society, and the local chapter of the Citizens Raging Against Powermongers, who happened to be browsing the dealers' hall.

*image cuts to Konoha Constabulary policeman, dressed in a manner similar to RL Japanese police officers. He’s behind a podium, and clearly not enjoying the cameras or the task ahead*

“The fifty two individuals were arrested engaging in a brawl, using fists, knives, and what appeared to be a mixture of small arms, ranging from Kalashnikovs to lasguns and even a live proton torpedo launcher. The cause of the brawl….Jesus, I can’t even believe I’m saying this….was over whose favorite bishie was cuter with cat ears.”

*Cop can be heard muttering under his breath about not being paid enough as he opens a flask of Everclear and downs it in one go. Gracie speaks again*

Reports indicate that multiple individuals were injured in the fight, and tens of thousands of Dornie Dollars worth of expensive cosplay armor and garage kits were destroyed in the melee. Said Attorney Kyle Hersch of Hersch and Associates, representing the members of the NSJAAS:

“Look, while my clients engaged in conduct some may find objectionable--I’m not sure if insulting someone’s heritage was necessary--I find it hard to believe that spraying someone with Cheez Whiz and using doujins as a shield qualifies as battery in a criminal context. Besides, everyone knows that Johan from the series Mecha Defenders Doomsday is clearly the cuter bishie when you put cat ears on him. Suck it, assholes.”

1st Annual Nickopolis Power Armor Show Underway

In a major development for the young County of Nickopolis, Tyrol City is hosting the 1st Annual Power Armor Show in the County Arena. The Power Armor Show, much like others of its ilk, has seen a large number of attendees show up for what can be best described as a three-day celebration of all things power suit, ranging from competitions for “Most Distinct Custom Paint Job” to power armor footraces and feats of strength.

Said organizer Michaela Roxas, head of the New Counties Power Armor Society:

*Image cuts to a catgirl in front of an old timey T-45 armor suit, customized with gold filligree and so on*

“Yeah, well, this is a big thing, you know? I mean ,you usually have the big shows in Los Angeles and New Leningrad, but I think it’s time we brought some of that goodness to the New COunties, you know?”

*cuts to b-roll footage of various power armor suit types running about, leaping over and under obstacles, being showed off in style competitions, etc.*

Power Armor shows like this draw competition of all sorts, including some rather unusual characters.

*cuts to images of a group of consisting of a mixture of 50’s greasers and rougher-looking bikers aping the outlaw look, next to suits of T-51 power armor painted with garish flame paint jobs with a logo prominently on the chest--an angry duck-looking creature kicking a stick figure in its privates and holding a Tommygun in its hands, firing wildly in the air. The logo says, “Platypus Empire, PAC." A central figure stands in biker gear, leaning next to a particularly mean-looking suit of armor. He looks strangely like Henry Winkler, and even talks like a certain TV show character.*

“Yeah, we’re here because we wanna represent the Platypus Empire, ya got that? The Empire don’t care who you is, as long as you’re cool--and not a square. Squares ain’t got a place here in the Empire. Otherwise? Platypus don’t judge. You got a hot suit? We can help ya make it hotter. Observe.”

*Guy walks up to power armor suit which is malfunctioning. There’s a biker dude next to it, and he thanks the guy talking to the camera for showing up, mentioning something about ‘power feed couplings’ and ‘misaligned framework.’ The Winkler lookalike nods, and motions for the guy to get back. Walking to the back, he elbows the armor suit forcefully, and sticks in a fresh Fusion Core.*

“Try that.”

*Biker gets inside the suit, which works just like new. As the man profusely thanks the Winkler lookalike immensely, he smiles at the screen*

“I got the magic touch, ya know? Trust me. Chapter-Master Donny Bukowski don’t lie. Lyin’s for squares.”

*Image cuts to Gracie Liang*

“The Power Armor show is expected to run until Sunday.”

Thank you for watching the REAL NDBC news--New Dornalian Broadcasting Corporation news--not those jokers at National Dornalian Broadcasting Corporation. We now cut to commercial.

*Image cuts to a sobbing woman in a wood-paneled office, next to a man in what looks like an uncomfortable powered exoskeleton, with attachments clearly meant to compensate for missing limbs. The woman bawls, as if to curse the air in a gesture which makes milking the giant cow seem calm.*

“I sure hope this lawyer can help us. I’m tired of lawyers that always promise the moon, and barely can get you a cloud! Will someone help my husband find justice, and get the money we deserve from our insurance company!? WHAT DID WE PAY THEM FOR!!!!?”

*A door in the room opens. The woman turns to it. We don’t see who it is, until a figure leaps dramatically onto the desk. It’s a kobold, of the friendlier Dystean persuasion. He is wearing a fedora, and an appropriately sized business suit. He bows, tips his head, and shouts!*

“Lawbold! Justicebold! Faircompensationbold!”

*The woman’s mood brightens considerably, and she embraces the lawbold heartily, partly because darnit, he’s so adorable in that suit.*

“Thank you, Lawbold!”

*Image then cuts to a picture of the same lawbold, pointing to the screen. He speaks in excellent Common.*

“If you’re a lawbold like me, you know oppression when you see it. You know injustice when you see it. Whether the injustice is being done by racist gnomes or insurance companies that see you as a number, you need a goodbold on your side when bad things happen. With Lawbold, Lawbold and Epstein, you’ll get goodbolds, and then some. Because you come first.”

*Contact information flashes by, as do disclaimers*

[New Dornalia]

OOC: Lucky and Hylian Pumpkin Soup RPed with permission of Riemaia and Legokiller.

IC:

Dornie News Network

Hello, this is Gracie Liang, and welcome to NDBC News. Tonight’s top stories:

Stock Markets Recover, But Not Entirely

And in economic news, markets all over the Colonial Republic seem to have stabilized after recent events involving the Greater Prussian Empire. The recent expulsion of the Great Civilization of the C’tan, followed by the acrimonious divorce of the Menelmacari from the alliance, sent markets into what one commentator described as “one of those really hardcore rollercoasters you really want to get off of, but you can’t.”

In particular, stocks on the NYSC, the FTSE, Hammertongs Traders’ Bank Index, and the Hajarran Cooperative Union Stock Market and other major investors’ markets have actually perforemd rather well today, rising by several hundred points.

Analysts credit the recovery to a number of factors, and not everyone can agree on why the recovery is so. Some analysts attribute the recovery to corrective trends which usually follow major economic upsets.

Others have pointed out that both the GPE and its former members seem--emphasis on seem--to be making the most of the divorce. In particular, marketwatchers have noted that the Allaneans have increasingly employed the Dornalian Dollar as a means of conducting business, although analysts say that this occurred even before the Allanean-Menelmacari Split, as Dornalians call the event. Additionally, Dornalian investors have continued to eye the Menelmacari Credit for currency speculation purposes.

Tyrol Foods Makes Diet Sausage That Actually Tastes Good

In an event which is sure to please many, many gourmands throughout the Colonial Republic, Tyrol Foods’s Test Kitchen has announced they have begun to launch a line of “Actually Tasty Diet Sausages.”

According to a statement released by Tyrol Foods, the Actually Tasty Sausages were inspired by a run in that Tyrol Foods’s CEO, Terry Tadanobu, had with some particularly bad Turkey Chorizo. “Vowing to make a better sausage,” the statement said, “our intrepid CEO worked on refining the Sausage recipe until it could be eaten by all.”

*Image cuts to Terry Tadanobu with a hot dog-looking thing in a bun. Terry, for the uninitiated, is a Japanese-Brazilian woman who’s of somewhat average build, but boundless enthusiasm and cutesy charm. She also happens to have a lightsaber on her hip, but who’s counting?*

“I wanted to share this recipe with the world. No one should have to eat disgusting, badly made healthfood sausage. I mean, we’re not rabbits! We’re sentients, damnit! WE NEED ACTUAL FOOD!”

*impromptu crowd behind Terry begins chanting “ACTUAL FOOD! ACTUAL FOOD!” as Terry eats the sausage.*

“Mmmm…...as someone who is a conessieur of charcuterie, I can say this is a good recipe!”

*turning to the crowd, Terry begins tossing packs of Actually Tasty Diet Sausage at the crowd, who begin to collect them and run in all directions, as Terry shouts and begins jumping for joy.*

“RUN FREE, SAUSAGES! SPREAD THE JOY OF LOW CARB, LOW FAT GOODNESS! IT’S MADE WITH BEEF AND CHICKEN WITH A MODERATE GRIND AND OTHER TRADE SECRET SPICES! SO YOU KNOW IT'S GOOOOOOD!”

*image cuts to a giggling Gracie Liang, who coughs and regains composure*

“The Actually Tasty Diet Sausage goes on sale today.”

NorCal Man Discovers Ancient Battle Site

A company in Oakland digging out space for new housing stumbled upon what may be the most significant archaeological find in recent times. José Manoogian of Oakland was working with a construction crew building an apartment building when crews discovered human remains in the building site. Subsequent police investigation and a later appearance by archaeologists unearthed a major battle site from the Great NorCal Gata War, including the remnants of Juana’s House, the site of a major strongpoint which vexed Dornalian soldiers battling gata tribals in the region which had fortified the remnants of pre-Apocalypse Oakland.

*image cuts to a man standing in a dirt archaeological site, with carefully sectioned off dig areas and scraps of clothing, cans, and rations being found. The man speaks to the camera, introduced as Daniel Ochoa, UC Davis Professor of Archaeology*

“This is a major find in terms of battlefield archaeology. Usually, sites like this get bulldozed over, and frankly, we’ve been hard-pressed in urban areas like this to preserve the ancient history found here. I mean, it took some doing, but hell, between you and me, the artifacts we’ve found here--spent RPG tubes, artillery cannons and so on--indicates that Juana’s House was more heavily armed than we thought.”

The find sheds new light on the ancient Battle of Oakland, where Dornalian forces attempting a punitive expedition on gata tribals in the region as part of the Great NorCal Gata War ended up fighting an intense seventy-two day battle which resulted in the Dornalian offensive stalling in the region. Among other discoveries includes ancient pre-Apocalypse artillery pieces which lend credence to legends about “the Ghost Guns of Oakland,” a purported artillery corps fielded by the gata tribals which seemed to move and hide with impunity.

Furumvine Protest Results in Six Arrests

*image cuts to hippie-type guy being arrested by MPs, shouting “NO JUSTICE NO PEACE! NO BLOOD FOR SHINIES!” as Gracie narrates*

And, in front of the Strategic Materials Acquisition Department HQ at Fort Knox, Kentucky, six men from the Citizens Raging Against Powermongers were arrested for trespassing on the grounds of the Fort Knox Mithril Depository in protest of SMAD’s policy of continuing to buy mithril from the nation of Furumvine. The protest comes amidst increasing concerns about SMAD’s All Sources Acquisition Policy, which authorizes SMAD to purchase mithril from nations it deems “Prime Sources” of the rare super-metal. Said Director of SMAD John O’Herlihy:

*image cuts to older gentleman speaking to a crowd of reporters*

“Look, it’s not like we’re giving the Furumvineans a license to kill here. We’re buying mithril from them. Mithril is a strategic resource and it’s damn hard to find. We’re not blind to the fact they’re racist assholes. What we are doing is working with them as best as possible to try and use Dornalian purchases of mithril and trade to get them to realize, ‘hey, segregation now and forever may not be the best national policy.’ We’re doing what we can to minimize the damage our purchases do. So lay off.”

Analysts have indicated that the current policy however, may not be sufficient in the long term. Said Don Sputters of UCLA:

“The current Administration’s policy is untenable. Yes, mithril is rare, we get that. And I at least thank the State Department and SMAD for remembering where their values are. But I think it’d be smarter to develop mithril substitutes and also to buy from nations which aren’t engaging in behavior that Dornalians find morally objectionable. I mean, you don’t see Dysteans imposing Jim Crow laws. And besides, constructive engagement worked soooo well with the rest of the Galactic Imperium.”

Thank you for watching the REAL NDBC news--New Dornalian Broadcasting Corporation news--not those jokers at National Dornalian Broadcasting Corporation. We now cut to commercial.

*Image cuts to Gracie Kurimitsu, with pointed ears, red hair, and aviator shades and leather coat walking through a busy SoCal street, talking nonchalantly*

“Hi, I’m Gracie Kurimitsu. You may know me as that yenta who sells cars at you on local SoCal TV. You may know me as everyone’s favorite Citizen Diplomat. You may even know me as that gal who told those schmucks in that hearing on the Ravenstskia War to go eff themselves. Yeah. I went there. Anyway, I’ve been getting a lot of questions.”

*SoCal Street then splits, revealing it was a set all along. A set with a tree with a lost cat and an old lady needing help. Gracie then leaps into the tree and rescues a cat from it and gives it back to an old lady*

“Like, Gracie, how come you got so much energy to do almost everything?”

*Gracie then walks as the lot morphs into a lot full of cars, signs a few papers, and hands a pair of keys to a shiny new Nissan GT-R as she walks away from a man jumping for joy as she smiles.*

“How do you find the time to sell cars, do secret squirrel government work for government types and also visit places in Mystria all at once?”

*Gracie then stops as the set melts away, and she crosses her arms*

“Well, what can I say? I’ve got a lot of energy. Can’t say it more than that. But….”

*Gracie then walks off the set and is greeted by a cute girl with bunny ears. The girl runs up to her, shouting “MOM!” as they embrace. Gracie does a voiceover as the two sit off to the side in a pair of folding chairs, with Gracie producing a thermos of a reddish bisque. The two can be seen eating it, and Gracie does a voiceover.*

“...well, if living with Lucky has taught me anything...life’s more than doing everything for everyone to make yourself richer. Sometimes...it pays to let the experts handle things, so you can focus on the important stuff.”

*Lucky then speaks*

“This soup’s real good, mommy. How’d ya make it?”

*Gracie nods, smiles slyly as a flashback of Gracie opening a can of Hylia’s Best Pumpkin Bisque appears, and Gracie then says pithily:*

“Well, I had some help.”

*image cuts to black with the Hylia’s Best logo and a simple line of text, reading*

“Hylia’s Best Pumpkin Bisque. Because we all need a little help.”

[New Dornalia]

Dornie News Network

Hello, this is Gracie Liang, and welcome to NDBC News. Tonight’s top stories:

No Truth to Giant Robot March Rumors, says Nova Louisianan Authorities

Seeking to dispel rumors and calm concerned citizens, Nova Louisianan Governor Mike Kowalczyk spoke to reporters today concerning "the Red Terror." A figure of local legend, the Red Terror is, depending on who is asked, a rogue mecha, a giant demon, or something in between. A spate of sightings has coincided with reports of wildfires, unusual broadcasts of a figure cackling in a kigurumi mask interrupting various shows, and in one case the destruction of a space station.

The Governor addressed a crowd of reporters, flanked by Commissioner Gruber of the Nova Louisianan Sheriff's Department and Nova Louisianan Citizens Forces leaders, concerning the crisis.

*imagery cuts to a sighing man in a suit, rubbing his temples with a handkerchief*

"I can assure the people of this County that the so-called Red Terror is nothing to be afraid of. We're fairly sure that in 99% of sightings, there's no property damage or loss of life, and when such things do happen, it's also fairly obvious there are perfectly logical explanations for why this happened. I mean, look at that bus full of ninjas going to the Sixth Annual Ninja Conclave. I'm fairly sure it exploded because, oh, I dunno, some pirates fired an RPG at it."

*reporters begin to chatter as Governor Kowalczyk bangs a gavel*

"Look, the important thing is that we've got our top men working on finding a solution to these sightings and also to take appropriate steps to react to any difficulties which may arise. This panic can be stopped, and we can stop it if we just calm down and remember who we are. I mean, we see giant red robots all the time. They're not smashing things to bits or proclaiming "

*hand raised in audience*

"Yes?"

*guy gets up*

"Steve Wournos, Hammertongs Daily News. When you say top men, who do you mean? Citizens Forces? Republican Marshals?"

*Governor looks at Wournos intently, and frowns. He then says two words.*

"Top. Men. That's all I can say right now."

*image cuts to Gracie Liang*

Rumor has it that a joint team of investigators are working on investigating the Red Terror sightings. A Nova Louisianan government official, speaking under condition of anonymity, saying, "I'll be frank with you, this is some pretty freaky shit."

Penguins Assemble in Chicago, Locals Amused

In what may be the most adorable sight of the day, a large group of sentient penguins assembled in the middle of Chicago. The assembly, which began at around 9am this morning, consisted of approximately five hundred penguins which began filtering in on public transportation and in their own vehicles. After several minutes of assembly, the Penguins then proceeded to buy wares from a wide variety of local shops and generally act like well behaved, if wealthy, tourists. Said one individual at John Morrison's Fine Clothes:

*image cuts to a sales clerk in a fancy clothing store*

"It just kinda happened, y'know? One moment, I'm just here minding my business, the next minute you have penguins asking to buy custom-made tuxedos. They never said why they needed them, but hell--when's the last time you've seen a penguin buy a tux?"

Local residents have reported that the group of penguins was both "exceptionally polite" and "damn good tippers." Children could be seen interacting with the penguins, and police reported no incidents. However, not all were pleased with the newcomers.

*image cuts to a dive-bar-esque place with the name Mike's Sushi Tavern with a strange mashup decor of Western-Country and Japanese themes. There's a steel cage, within which an enka singer is plying her trade, as drunks throw bottles at the cage. The proprietor, a man with a stetson, flannel clothing, and Japanese-style armor speaks into the screen, sighing.*

"I mean, I like havin' customers and all, but ya think they'd save some sushi for the rest of us. Damn birds cleaned me out before noon. Hell, they even ate all the fish tempura. At least they paid good money though."

Analysts indicate the penguins are likely from the nation of Silverdale, a land where sentient penguins are quite common.

Dornalians Sighted in Hobbiest Republic

In a particularly strange development, NDBC News has acquired footage of what appear to be Dornalian individuals fighting on behalf of forces loyal to Mariemaia Barton-Kushrenada, the current president of the Republic.

*cuts to image of figures leaping through the air, using tractor beams to rip rebel tankers out of their tanks*

In what is admittedly low-quality footage, there is evidence that Dornalian fighters are utilizing advanced technology to help turn the tide against the rebel forces, including tractor beams and teleportation devices.

Sources who wish to remain anonymous indicate these appear to be civilian contractors known to work with the Russo-American Investment and Development Corporation, a mysterious corporation linked to previous Dornalian operations abroad and alleged by some to have ties with the highest echelons of power. This is particularly given the advanced level of technology, mostly female squad composition and their apparent fondness for Multicam.

*imagery cuts to a guy in a Bane Mask and Lone Ranger Mask ,talking through the Bane Mask over the footage*

“It’s fairly obvious when you look at the images--these people aren’t ordinary civilian contractors. Why, look at their lithe forms, their technological prowess…..it’s obvious they’re Russo-American Investment and Development people. Who else would they be?”

In reply to inquiries, the State Department would only say, “These are civilian volunteers, taking advantage of the Hobbiest bounty system to conduct a foreign internal defense mission. Because we’re doing what Dornalians do best--beat the shit out of bad guys messing with our homies for fun and profit. You mess with one of our homies, you get the bull by the horns, bitch.”

New Franchise Opens Near MooCow’s in Oceanside

Rumors have swelled over the mysterious purchase of land near the main MooCow’s franchise in Oceanside. Locals have seen large convoys of trucks moving back and forth at night, and construction seems to be moving apace. Further complicating the mystery are what appears to be sidewalk chalk illustrations which have sprung up around town, marked with a simple “#dineintoday” and “#durisiscoming”.

No one can quite figure out who is responsible or who this “Duri” is, but analysts say the strange happenings bear the markings of a guerilla marketing campaign, and the advent of a rival in the already competitive fast food scene, particularly in the crowded landscapes of Southern California. When asked for comment, Anita Persky of Mr. MooCow’s said simply, “We like healthy competition. Bring it on.”

Thank you for watching the REAL NDBC news--New Dornalian Broadcasting Corporation news--not those jokers at National Dornalian Broadcasting Corporation.

[New Dornalia]

Dornie News Network

Hello, this is Gracie Liang, and welcome to NDBC News. Tonight’s top stories:

Araveans to Recieve Battlestar

In what is a major development for both Aravea and the Colonial Republic, the Defense Department has approved the transfer of a Mercury-Cain class Battlestar and a complete wing of fighters to the Aravean armed forces. In a statement released by the State Department today, Secretary of State Norton Simons indicated that “this transfer of technologies between our two nations will be used to preserve Aravean sovereignty as well as benefit the ongoing Aravean-Dornalian Relationship.” When asked about reports that the provision of the Battlestar was tied to regional tensions between Aravea and its neighbors, Secretary Simons merely said, “We’re not going to name names, but there’s some people out there who want to do harm to our vital partners. In the immortal words of a 20th century comedian, ‘homie don’t play that.’”

The battlestar, to be known as the Star of Razgriz, will join the Aravean Imperial Defense Forces along with a complement of onboard fighters. Due to preexisting agreements, the Star of Razgriz will be provided with X-Wings, modified by China Aerospace Solutions, instead of CF-01s as used by the Colonial Republic. However, a complement of transforming Jormungandr-Valkyrie fighter bombers will be provided as normal. Training for the ships and fighters will be reportedly done both in Aravea and in the Colonial Republic, with the Jormungandrs reportedly being trained at Naval Air Station Edwards, outside of Los Angeles itself.

When asked what Aravea would provide in return for the battlestar, Secretary Simons merely said, “Well, we can’t comment on everything involving that question, because some of that stuff is classified. I can tell you that there will be technology exchanges, as well as transfers of rare earth minerals. It’ll be enough, I assure you--we’re not dickheads about this sort of thing. Look at the Hobbiests and all the ships we sold them.”

Secretary Simons did confirm that a Gracie unit will be provided with the Battlestar, and that “all possible means of complying with the Dornalian laws on sentient rights--which do apply to Gracies and AI units generally--are being used to keep things above board.”

Stocks Rise as Menelmacar Rejoins GPE

In a stunning announcement which sent stocks rising again, the Menelmacari have rejoined the Greater Prussian Empire alliance. It is not currently known what motivated the restoration of a relationship thought to have been irrevocably broken, but analysts indicate this is nothing surprising, given the broad history of Allanean foreign relations.

In a statement today, the State Department praised the Allaneans and Menelmacari for “coming together and recognizing that even with all their differences, it is better for galactic peace to have two great liberator powers work together instead of not.”

However, the recovery has been surprisingly muted, with lesser than expected gains. Analysts indicate that this is due to careful action by investors, who want to make sure the reconciliation is durable.

15th Annual Charity Rumble Held, Record Attendance Recorded

Despite concerns about injuries, rowdiness and excessive alcohol usage, Ordermen, ordinary citizens and soldiers alike partook in the 15th Annual Charity Rumble.

Taking place with the LA River as a battleground, the annual competition has ten man teams (with one flag on each participant's belt) of “rumblers” from various civic groups and organizations engage each other to try and seize as many of their opponents’ flags as possible, whilst retaining more of their own than their opponents. The action is fast and furious, and aside from a rule forbidding physical contact with the hair or face and also avoiding any moves which cause permanent injury or death, anything can and does happen.

Winning the annual event this time was six-time champion rumbler team “the Battling Beauties,” organized by the Nyan Nyan-Deculture chain of Hajarran restaurants.

*image cuts to a young woman with green hair and a qipao, wiping her brow off. The qipao looks to have been damaged in a fight, with a belt on it with a green flag inside of it.*

“Well, it’s all about staying alert, staying alive, and making sure you keep people away with a novelty foam bat as you take pieces of colored cloth from their belts. It’s all good fun. I mean, I’ve done this every year, and don’t intend to stop anytime soon.”

*image cuts to Gracie*

The rumble brought in several million dollars’ worth of charitable donations, all of which are currently slated to go to Terry’s Kids, a charitable youth foundation which promotes the well-being of people of the Outer Rim.

Thank you for watching the REAL NDBC news--New Dornalian Broadcasting Corporation news--not those jokers at National Dornalian Broadcasting Corporation.

[New Dornalia]

Dornie News Network

Hello, this is Gracie Liang, and welcome to NDBC News. Tonight’s top stories:

Supreme Court legalizes Robosexual Marriage

In a stunning 7-2 decision released just today, the Supreme Court has clarified that artificial intelligences have the right to marry like any other sentient being. The decision comes as a result of a suit filed by an aggrieved Gracie unit that had become embroiled in a dispute with the DOrnalian Revenue Service over the status of her marriage, with the DRS saying that she was not in fact married due to “a lack of explicit legal authority which would recognize this marriage.” Today’s decision reverses that determination.

*Image cuts to a Gracie unit in a wedding dress on the courthouse steps, with her husband by her side in a naval dress uniform.*

“This is a momentous occasion in our nation’s history! Our right to marry just like flesh-and-blood sentients has been recognized by the highest court in the land, and let me say it feels REALLY FUCKING AMAZING!”

*crowd cheers, as the couple reenacts the V-J Day kiss to the tune of “awwws” from the populace*

Analysts say that although impressive, this decision was a long time coming.

*cuts to a scholarly type, identified as Professor John Stalvern of the University of Simpsongrad. He speaks with autotune, and he’s obviously a P’weck.*

♪“I mean, when you look at the way the law’s been going--it was bound to happen eventually. You can’t just allow AIs to be citizens, to vote and do all those other rights which have been recognized in the law, and not let them marry too! Besides, when you look at it, the recent laws had that in mind--just look at the legislative history and the language, it contemplated marriage as one of the rights granted. This ruling just makes it clear as day. The logic is smooth like butter.”♪

Not all persons however, agree with this decision.

*Image cuts to a man in a suit, identified as ‘Jack Markowitz, Committee of Vigilance’*

“Look, those things may act like humans, think like humans, and shtup like humans, but they ain’t humans! They are artificial constructs! They only have personalities and think because they were made that way. I mean, it’s not even a religious thing, or a science thing, it is motherfucking fact! Only biological sentients should get to marry, because their parts work!”

Nonetheless, the decision, Gracie-Zamboanga v. Dep’t of Internal Revenue, is already resulting in a major impact on Dornie marriage, with many “Robot-Friendly” wedding chapels already opening up and many individuals such as priests and justices of the peace indicating their willingness to make these weddings happen.

Explosion Day Parade a Success

Crowds gathered in Southern California today to celebrate this year’s Explosion Day events. Designed to commemorate the founding of the Colonial Republic and the triumph of Loyalist forces in the Civil War, this year’s festivities were marked by not only the much-beloved Giant Robot Parade, but also by the appearance of several new Dornalian regiments from Simpsongrad County and Siristad County as well.

*cuts to images of P’wecks marching in formation, with rifles at the ready, followed by Lamias in power armor, then to one of the lamias. She has her helmet off, and she looks somewhat humanesque, except for the fact she has a giant snake tail, unusual pupils in her eyes, and can be seen flicking her tongue in and out. She is identified as “Sgt. Miia Kooistra, 345th Citizens Forces Regiment”*

“Well, it’s so good to be here today! I just hope the weather’s nice--I hate the cold’ y’know? That’s why we have these heated armor suits and things.”

*Sgt. Kooistra looks distractedly at a hot dog seller, and nods*

“‘Scuse me.”

*Images cut to fairgoers, dudes drifting cars, so on*

Attendance at the day’s events, which included automobile racing, food and a fireworks/celebratory gunfire show, has set new records. Organizers say they will continue to run the parade, fresh off the success of this year’s event.

Thank you for watching the REAL NDBC news--New Dornalian Broadcasting Corporation news--not those jokers at National Dornalian Broadcasting Corporation. We now cut to commercial.

OOC: Credit to The Batorys for inspiring this ad.

IC:

*Wide shot. Riot breaks out; to keep things civil and to prevent this post from being the subject of mod action, the rioters are generic G20 protester types. Stores are being smashed. Torches and pitchforks are being used. TVs are being carted out of shopfront windows. Roof Koreans are firing shots at looters, who are throwing Molotov Cocktails at them. The music is ominous, action packed, and angry.

Action cuts to a pair of Roof Koreans. Both are wearing civilian gear, but also have chest rigs, old army surplus helmets and other things. One of them has a Tabuk Sniper Rifle, another has the M72 Gauss Rifle from Fallout: New Vegas. Both of them are in dire straits. Roof Korean 1 Speaks.*

“Fuck me. I’m out.”

*Roof Korean 2 sighs, as he finds his ammo bandoleer empty also.*

“No good, man. I’m fuckin’ done!”

*The shouts of angry protesters can be heard, and the building is being surrounded. Roof Korean 1 speaks*

“Well, this is it, Mike. All this. All we worked for….fuck. We’re dead.”

*Roof Korean 2 feels around, and gasps. He then smiles confidently.*

“Not yet, Bob. Not fuckin’ yet.”

*Mike pulls out a device which looks like a smoke bomb from his chest rig, and as the rioters begin making a battering ram out of a shopping cart, Mike tosses it underhand in a slowmotion sequence, screaming out as he does so.*

“CATCH THIS, ASSHOLES!”

*The grenade falls into the crowd below, who barely notice it before it begins emitting a green gas. The crowd panicks for a minute. Then, they slow down. They stop to a man, and slightly disoriented, turn to one another. They seem...mellower now. One of them speaks to the other.*

“Dude. What the hell are we doing?”

*Other guy speaks, and looks with a stunned look at the carnage around him as he’s about to smash a window to take a hot new arm computer of some sort.*

“I dunno, man. But suddenly...I don’t wanna do it anymore.”

*Beat. Protestor 1 speaks first.*

“Wanna get some pizza?”

*Suddenly, the music becomes cheerier, and even bouncy. Cut to a scene where the Roof Koreans are sitting in a flatbed with a couple of riot cops and the two protestors, eating boxes of pizza. They are in a really good mood, and Protestor one is giggling uncontrollably. Protestor 2 speaks.*

“I mean, this is some good pizza...but you know what would go good with this?”

*Riot Cop shrugs, clearly affected by the gas.*

“Fuck if I know. Let’s eat.”

*Sappy voiceover then plays, as the images cut to a gas grenade with a happy face on the front.*

“Cheechium Riot Control Solutions. For life’s...more aggressive moments. Now, in Extra Strength.”

*Disclaimer rolls by, indicating such lovely things as ‘Not for sale in Utah’ and ‘Warning: May Actually Induce Pizza Cravings and Uncontrollable Laughter.’*

[New Dornalia]

[quote="New Dornalia";p="29315913"]

Dornie News Network

Hello, this is Gracie Liang, and welcome to NDBC News. Tonight’s top stories:

Strange Flying Wing Sighted Over Washington and Oregon Linked to Hobbiest Republic

In a development which has ended days of sporadic AAA and SAM fire launched by local residents into the sky and angry phone calls to conspiracy theory stations, Tadanobu General Services Corporation's North American division has announced that it is linked to a series of sightings involving a silver flying wing flying across the Pacific Northwest as well as the Canadian Prairies.

In a statement released by TGSC, the company confirmed that "it was working on a new transport plane commissioned by the Hobbiest Republic's President to more efficiently move men and materiel across various distances." Known as the Chocobo, it is, as many witnesses have reported, a massive flying wing which apparently, according to analysts, is capable of both transport and, according to Jack Hossanian at the BLAND Corporation, a prominent defense and other stuff think tank:

*image cuts to a large man in a suit and tie, giving off an intellectual air. His eye twitches. He then leaps up and begins shouting*

"I mean, DAAAAAMN! This thing is really huge! It's clearly capable of dropping a lot of fucking bombs on things. Like, HOLY SHIT IS THIS THING AWESOME. I MEAN, WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T WE BUILD THIS THING BEFORE!? ARGLEBARGLEEEEE!!!"

*Man flips over table and rips his shirt off, running around not in anger but seemingly in sheer ecstasy as he drop kicks a glass pane and knocks over a water cooler. Image cuts back to Gracie Liang*

Cautioning that "many details are still classified," the release nonetheless indicates that the massive machine, which is certified to enter and exit planetary atmospheres, is 600ft long, with a 1,200ft wingspan and integrated repulsorlifts sourced from General Dynamics-Bakura in the wings designed to enable the ship to perform VTOL operations, among other acts of maneuverability. Additionally, it is confirmed that the four massive engines which are also integrated into the flying wing are fusion engines along with a flux capacitor and a Jump Computer, powered by a Tylium fuel reactor. Finally, although TGSC is refusing to disclose how it works, they will confirm that "it has a larger cargo capacity than any competitor in its class," adding, "we can only tell you that it uses advanced means of space compression to make this happen." Speculation rests on either a transporter buffer based system, or a dimensional system similar to that of a TARDIS.

Finally, the report did confirm that there are smaller half and quarter sized variants of the Chocobo meant for operational and tactical level air support, as well as storage on smaller vessels which may not be able to hold the larger Chocobo itself. However, the report did not confirm how many will actually be built, only that they will be built "at plants in both the Hobbiest Republic and in Dornieland, where they'll be enough to darken the skies over the enemies of the Hobbiest Republic."

Crimebold Arrested for Peddling Knockoffs

Republican Marshals, Immigration and Common Border Authority, and Luxembourgia County Police Force officials have broken up a major "crimebold" ring, located in the underhives of Luxembourgia County. The ring, lead by Crimebold McCrimebold, specialized in counterfeit goods and money, particularly in the form of cheaply made illegal copies of "Nintendobold" game consoles which are themselves, allegedly copied from Dornalian game machines.

*image cuts to crimebolds being lead away in handcuffs*

The group of "crimebolds" is currently facing charges related to fraud and counterfeiting, along with accusations of being tied to several deaths caused by elaborate mechanical traps used on potential witnesses and undercover agents, are set to face a judge this week. One crimebold, speaking through his attorney said the following.

*cuts to kobold in a suit and tie, standing next to his client, one of the crimebolds*

"INNOCENTBOLD! FREEBOLD! MISCARRIAGE OF JUSTICEBOLD! In other words, the charges against my client have no proof. They can claim he sold those copied consoles to kids, but at the end of the day, it's the evidence against their word, folks. It's like they hired gnomes to investigate this."

*images cut to tables with seized consoles, items in bags, so on*

The haul is arguably one of the largest ever taken in the history of the County, with well over several million Dornie Dollars worth of goods being seized by authorities.

NORINCO Stocks Rise Amidst Rumors of Foreign Sales

And finally, tonight, stocks of the North China Industrial Corporation have risen today upon rumors that the company will strike a major defense deal with a Mystrian nation. According to unverified reports, NORINCO is, with the blessing of the State Department and Defense Department, attempting to sell a Mercury-Cain class battlestar, X-wings and Jormungandr-Valkyrie fighter bomber mecha to another nation in Mystria. The news comes hot on the heels of a successful sale to Aravea of the same, fueling speculation as to whom the other nation could be. NORINCO itself has said simply, "We're not commenting on any potential transactions at this time."

Thank you for watching the REAL NDBC news--New Dornalian Broadcasting Corporation news--not those jokers at National Dornalian Broadcasting Corporation.

[New Dornalia]

Dornie News Network

Hello, this is Gracie Liang, and welcome to NDBC News. Tonight’s top stories:

Planet of Koala and Kangaroo Eared Women Discovered

OOC: The following idea was originally done by OG. The crazy mad scientist was Hobbiest Republic’s idea. Likewise, Dyste and GTA: Vice City inspired the commercial at the end and Riemaia contributed also with the GM parts.

IC:

The scientific community today is wondering how to react to a discovery made fifty light years outside Andromeda County. Discovered by Naval Corps of Engineers personnel while on a routine scouting mission, the planet is home to a large colony of human women with koala ears and with kangaroo ears/tails.

*Image cuts to women tossing boomerangs, frolicking about, and having a good time as they are observed by men in lab coats with stopwatches.*

Interviews with the women of the planet, tentatively known as “New Nickopolis,” reveal that they live in a sort of matriarchal society with strong free love overtones, adorability, and Australian accents, with the kangaroo ones having marsupial pouches and enhanced jumping ability for some reason. Speculation has set in as to how this planet came to be, but researchers studying the planet indicate that there is a strong sign that this society didn’t come to be naturally.

*Image cuts to Austrian man in lab coat*

“I mean, it is obvious. The women are all humans from Earth, the kemonomimi bits are all Australian animals….someone’s been up to something fanservicey here.”

*Image cuts back to Gracie*

The group responsible for this new civilization is unknown as of this time, although a number of organizations have claimed responsibility, ranging from one of the Big Five to a group of mustache twirling men known as the Frankenstein Society.

*Image Cuts to a mustache twirling scientist in lab coat, black gloves, and so on*

“WEEEE TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THESE CREATIONS! WE HAVE DONE THE IMPOSSIBLE!”

*the man then cackles evilly, before smoking a cigar*

Small Riot Breaks Out; Ten Dead

*footage of a group of angry ladies in sailor suits with Nazi armbands attacking Ordermen with armbands, using everything from chairs to bats to laspistols*

In what is another embarrassing incident for all involved, ten have died after an all out brawl broke out between members of the National Socialist Japanese Animation Appreciation Society--believed to be aligned with Humanity First-aligned interests--and members of the Magocratic Party in a mall somewhere outside San Francisco.

The fight began when one of the NSJAAS members began harassing a Magocratic Party booth. According to investigators, the confrontation turned violent after someone decided to sexually identify as a “fully armed, badass Raptor shuttlecraft” sarcastically to a NSJAAS member in response to accusations that the unidentified Magocrat was a sexual deviant, causing a full scale fight which involved the use of magic powers, firearms, and only ended when SFPD SERT teams used The Gorilla--a large ex-Army Kurosawa Mk II power suit--to suppress the riot.
.
*cuts to a bystander with face blanked out*

“Yeah, man. I mean, one moment I’m buying some fancy shirts at John Morrison’s, the next thing you know I’m running from a Goddamn magic missile as a buncha Nazis were shouting, ‘Muggle Pride bitches!’ and charging them with baseball bats. It was crazy!”

*cuts back to mall*

The fighting was captured on footage, and although property damage was minimal, analysts have expressed concern about the possibility of future outbreaks. Said one Marshals agent remaining anonymous, “Yeah, this doesn’t look good. We’re gonna keep an eye on these peoples. They can’t keep doing this.”

Giant Robot Expo Occurs in Tokyo, No Property Damage Incurred

In what has become a major defense exposition, the Tenth Annual Giant Robot Salon, held in the city of Tokyo, has recently wrapped up. Key events included the ever popular Giant Robot Ride, where young and old alike ride a MadCat Mk II, the Giant Robot Floor Show, where scale models and full size models of various giant robots can be seen, and the Giant Robot Parade, which is just as it says.

The centerpiece of the Giant Robot Salon this year was a very hot concept model, produced by the LanserWerks Corporation of Aghalia City, Hajarra. Known as the “LanserWerks Valkyrie GT,” the design, believed to be derived from a model LanserWerks produced for the Intercollegiate Mecha Championships, is a radical reworking of the Mijolnir-Valkyrie Fighter Bomber designed for “maximum air-ground performance against all comers.”

Said LanserWerks’s President, Rolf MacMurray, “Look people. There’s no reason why the same philosophy that compels companies to build race-worthy versions of their commuter cars can’t compel us to improve military aircraft. Sure, these may be Ace Customs and One Off Prototypes, but we’ve got National Stock Numbers like any other contractor and we know how to make robots big. After all, we’re from a place that worships giant robots. Literally.”

Promotional materials for the Model GT obtained by NDBC News note that the body has been redesigned using a Territanium-based alloy, carbon fiber, and a material LanserWerks developed in conjunction with Tennenbaum Laboratories known as “Synthril.” Additionally, the design returns to a swing-wing design, and adds a power plant only described as “massive,” with an “onboard Flux Capacitor suitable for military purposes.” As to the latter, one anonymous test pilot said simply, “The damn thing is aerodynamic. It’s also a flying muscle car which goes faster than anything I’ve seen yet.”

Also appearing at the Salon was General Motors’s Holden Special Vehicles Division, showing off the #34 suit used at the Intercollegiate Mecha Championship’s Mecha Biathlon and the Rocky Mountain Giant Robot Classic competition by the University of Anneliville. A heavily modified GMC Heavy Duty Platform, it features items such as winterized electronics, ground-sensing radar to detect instability in winter terrain, enhanced jump jets and deployable wings along with high-friction surfaces for grip and mountain climbing, as well as a pair of skis which can be mounted onto hardpoints under the mecha’s feet.

Nobeism Adherents on the Rise in Parts of the Greater Midwestern Industrial Zone

In a development which has surprised no one watching the GMIZ closely, a study conducted by the Dornie Opinion Gathering Network has detected a rise in adherents to the Hylian religion of Nobeism in the Zone.

Analysts attribute the rise of the religion, which espouses the worship of the Goddess Hylia and the three creators Din, Nayru, and Farore, to the Riemaian acquisition of General Motors and the subsequent increase in Hylians since the establishment of the zone (in an attempt to provide a competing zone to the Warsaw Pact regions), which encompasses the old Earth regions of Ontario, Quebec, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin, Michigan, Minnesota, and Ohio. The rise is especially pronounced in Detroit’s metropolitan area, which is GM’s corporate headquarters and home to the Riemaian Embassy.

*cuts to a man from the DOGN*

“Well, it is interesting to see the effects of economics and free trade on a region. I mean, the Greater Midwestern Industrial Zone has witnessed all the classic effects of free trade. Not only do you see the movement of goods and services, you see ideas being moved about as well. And frankly, some of those ideas are going to involve foreign religions. I’m not scared of this.”

Analysts are still studying whether the effects of the GMIZ have resulted in ideas flowing back to Riemaia, cautioning that “the study itself is in it's infancy.”

Thank you for watching the REAL NDBC news--New Dornalian Broadcasting Corporation news--not those jokers at National Dornalian Broadcasting Corporation. Now, we cut to commercial.

*images cut to a wheatfield somewhere. The scene rumbles and roars. Cut to a giant insectoid looking monster, using it's claws to harvest the wheat and whistling a jaunty tune and to place the wheat into a large larder. There’s quiet, subtle music playing on a piano, as a woman is next to him in the field.*

“Honey? I’m going inside to get the kids.”

*A voiceover speaks.*

“This is retired Colonel Gregor S. Hargreaves. Biology major. Loving father and husband. And, a giant insect. He wants peace…”

*the insect nods, speaking in a voice which screams ‘Rambo Parody.’*

“Okay, honey. Be safe out there.”

*The monster wanders around, until he hears shouts and screams. Panicking, he skitters over to the farmhouse and sees...a crater where it used to be. He collapses down, and screams as an alien space ship lands and disgorges a malevolent tentacle monster in a battle suit, which cackles evilly.*

“NOOOOOOOOO!”

*Voiceover continues*

“...but he got WAR instead!”

*The Tentacle Monster speaks in a British accent*

“Gregory Heargreaves...in the chitin himself. It’s going to be fun killing you and yours….with the help of my MINIONS!”

*The Insect stares down the monster, his sadness changing into fury as he realizes emotions and skills he hasn’t used in years. The insect then charges the monster as he shouts.*

“Time to serve the spaghetti, ASSHOLE!”

*The two charge one another and the image cuts to black with a musical sting. A lone voice speaks.*

“He’s back.”

*Title card appears*

“Gregory’s Tale--Man. Beast. Hero?”

[New Dornalia]

Dornie News Network

Hello, this is Gracie Liang, and welcome to NDBC News. Tonight’s top stories:

Local Man Builds Muscle Car Using Starship Engine

In what is being hailed as a viral sensation across the HoloNet, a Bakersfield-area man known simply as “Mad” Mike Takata has announced that he has successfully built what he calls a “Red Rocket” muscle car.

*cuts to an Asian man with a Stetson, jeans and a button up shirt next to a Lada 1200 station wagon, with what looks like a glowing….thing inside the rear luggage compartment. The Lada is covered in stickers for local businesses and also a sticker on the windshield that reads, ‘Vinyl Adds Horsepower.’ It has a number on it, likely participating in a local race. There’s a kobold in overalls and a mechanic’s cap, covered in grease, working on the engine.*

“Yessir, this here is my Red Rocket. Built it with the help of this mechanicbold, Rizzo. Car’s got a Tylium fueled engine I got offa Raptor and she’ll do a 0-60 in a second. Also, she’s all wheel drive, and got special tires like on a Warthog! Y’know, so she can ride and, y’know, not burst the tires. Horsepower count? Fuck, the last time I hooked it up to a dyno, the damn dyno exploded and the ol’ girl flew off the rack!”

*Mike looks sad*

“Yeah….my insurance had trouble paying for that one.”

*Image cuts to the Red Rocket zooming past traffic in the California roads as a mere blur, as Gracie Liang continues to narrates*

The Red Rocket itself is certainly proving to be a head turner, as it’s several thousand BHP equivalent power and head turning platform--an infamous Russian derivative of the Fiat 124--have earned billions of views on the HoloNet, along with a good degree of infamy. A number of automobile publications and analysts everywhere are busy trying to figure out just how Mr. Takata built such a machine.

*cuts to a man next to a Shelby Mustang*

“Yeah…..I’ve seen that video. It’s damn cool and all. And I love the ingenuity of the thing. But how the hell is it not melting? I mean, Tylium fuel ain’t easy to handle...it’s a miracle the damn thing’s still together, especially given the speeds he’s pushing it at.”

*cuts back to Mike washing down his Red Rocket with a hose*

Mike however, is undeterred.

“Naw, man. Look, I know people can’t believe it--the people from the Molson Book of Records couldn’t handle it either. But brother, this shit’s real! I’ve drag-raced guys in Mitsus, Subies….hell, I’ve even raced guys with them Allanean gravbikes. This boy beats them six ways to Sunday!”

Mysterious Events in Catedonia Reported

OOC: Credit to Alduinium for this next story.

IC:

In what is being feverishly analyzed by boffins all over the Colonial Republic, grainy footage obtained from our Mystria bureau has shown what appears to be a violent flame based crackdown of some sort.

*cuts to images of a house being burned down by men in suits, before moving on to a large funeral pyre with the bodies of what look like equestrian beings inside.*

The footage, as you can see, is rather graphic, and appears to depict the disposal of bodies and the containment of some sort of plague. Follow Up inquiries were unsuccessful, and it can only be speculated what the nature of this disposal effort involves.

Further complicating matters of interpretation is the rise in soldiers from the nation of Alduinium in the region, displacing a local defense force apparently made up of sentient ponies and arousing the ire of local citizens. Said one man from the BLAND Corporation, “Could be anything. Could be a plague, military coup…..or even one of those really weird anti-pony crusade things. I guess.”

GM Announces New Line of Cybernetic Augmentations at Major Trade Expo

OOC: Creds to Riemaia for this segment

IC:

In what is being hailed as a “game changer” for the personal augmentations market, General Motors today at the Taipei Cybernetics Exposition has announced the formation of General Motors BioEnhancements, a division of the corporate juggernaut “specifically devoted to the production of genetic modifications, bioaugmentations and cybernetics for both medical usage and performance enhancement.”

Speaking in front of a packed crowd, prominent GM bigwig Larisa bin-Sinah al-Fulani said of the change, “This is an important step in making augmentations available to more people who need it. Other companies, like Academica Sinica and Tyrol Industries, think of the big picture. They think of big things people might not need--I mean, who needs another giant robot when there’s kids to heal? Who needs another megaspaceship when a man’s lost both eyes and can’t get cloned eyes? They think of resting on their laurels. Of safe science, trustworthy augmentations, maybe even a little t&A. Innovation’s gone out the window at the big guys, I say.

I say at GM, we’re thinking bigger. Badder. Pushing the envelope and making bleeding edge augmentations that the little man can buy. Making augmentations to make the big boys realize what we’re capable of--that we’re not just about making big, powerful automobiles or other high-tech applications, but that we can move, groove, thrive and survive in this, our crowded hour. That we--General Fucking Motors--can bring more augmentations to the masses for less! Because that’s how we do it in Detroit, and if it’s good enough for Detroit, it’s good enough for the Republic! And if it’s good enough for the Republic, then by Jove, it’s good enough for the universe!”

*crowd cheers*

“CAN YOU DIG IT!?”

*Crowd cheers even more*

“CAAAAANNNN YOUUUU DIG IT!!!!!????”

The new line of augmentations, known as the Freedom series, is indeed promising to be budget priced, but competitive with other manufacturers’ models. These include a line of night vision augmentations, strength boosting augmentations and so on.

Thank you for watching the REAL NDBC news--New Dornalian Broadcasting Corporation news--not those jokers at National Dornalian Broadcasting Corporation. \

[New Dornalia]

Dornie News Network

Hello, this is Gracie Liang, and welcome to NDBC News. Tonight’s top stories:

Mechanicbolds Win The Thirty Six Hours of Hunteighville

In what is being hailed as a significant achievement for a new racing team, the Lawbold-Haas Mechasport Team has emerged as the upset winner of the 36 Hours at Huntleighville. The prestigious Power Suit Division Challenge, focused on testing driver and mechanical endurance across a challenging obstacle course, is considered among Mechasport fans as one of the more challenging competitions in the Power Suit Division.

As such, the victory for the one-year old Lawbold-Haas Mechasport Team is seen as a stunning upset. Although it looked like the Lawbold-Haas machines weren’t going to make it--the #3 machine, a customized Mitsubishi-LanserWerks Ironmonger construction power suit, experienced an issue with the artificial muscle in the legs, and had to drop out. However, the otehr two machines successfully crossed the finish line, with the favored Gagarin-Dynamo Mechasport Team in third place with a GAZ Bogatyr Power Suit.

*image cuts to legions of Mechanicbolds working on a giant suit which resembles a chunky mechanical gorilla of sorts, with a crude wired cockpit. It has hazard stripes on it, and looks like it was meant more for construction than racing. However, the arms and legs are clearly not stock and the whole thing looks ready to go fast...even if by all rights, it really shouldn’t.

The pilot within the Power Suit gets out, lifts a trophy handed to him by a woman in a skimpy outfit, and he begins running around and cheering. It’s ‘Mad’ Mike Takata, the crazy guy from Bakersfield who built the Red Rocket. He speaks in a sort of Oklahoma-Texas influenced patter and even has a Stetson still.*

“WHOOOO! WHOOO! Lemme just say I wanna thank my momma….I wanna thank Jesus…...I wanna thank Robot Jesus…..and I wanna thank my teammates here for giving me the strength to win this match. I wanna thank the mechanicbolds who fixed it--them boys kept me riding even as shit got rough. It got kinda crazy about twenty three hours in, but brother I did it with style!”

Mr. Takata is expected to take home the grand prize of $1,500,000, which he has indicated he will spend on “buildin’ cars, racin’ cars, and also payin’ for a new house for my cousin Jimbob and his homies down in the oilfields there. And also my momma!”

Ford Land Destroyer Tops Sales Charts

In what is being hailed as a sign that the Big Five don’t always dominate the economy, analysts from the Dornie Business Daily report that the top selling family SUV is none other than the Ford Land Destroyer.

*cuts to an image of a vehicle which suspiciously looks like a Terradyne Gurkha, but a bit sleeker and less chunky and clunky looking. It is ambling through deep rivers and having all manner of weapons fired at it, including what appear to be meltaguns. It’s holding up surprisingly well.*

Less a SUV than a heavily armored vehicle capable of withstanding multiple impacts from ballistics, gauss and energy weapons, the Land Destroyer was originally designed for military and law enforcement customers before it became popular among Dornalian families. It comes in both wheeled configurations with special impact resistant tires, or a repulsorlift powered edition with specially armored repulsorlift generators and other attachments that can resist multiple mine blasts.

*image cuts to an attractive looking older woman who looks to be no more than her thirties or forties. She has cat ears and a tail, but otherwise resembles a human woman with features betraying German/Turkish and Filipino/Mexican ancestry, who’s of average height and build, with enough fanservice content to reflect the fact she used to have a more risque past. She’s seen getting out of her Land Destroyer with shopping bags*

Much of the Land Destroyers popularity among Dornalians arguably comes from the fact that no less than Ranger Antonia “Fuzzy” Markham has been a famous user of the vehicle, endorsing it's safety and performance, particularly when hauling her son Anthony and her daughter Christina around. Says Markham:

*image cuts to Fuzzy with a baby wrapped in what appears to be an infant-sized version of the T-series armor. She speaks with a SoCalian accent reminiscent of Jennifer Aniston’s.*

“It’s the best vehicle I’ve ever driven. I mean, I’m worried about the threats my kids face. Reaper invasions, psychotic generals, and malevolent forces from beyond. Hence, I need something sturdy--like the Land Destroyer.”

*image cuts back to Gracie*

The Land Destroyer’s sales victory is eyed with particular interest by crosstown rival General Motors, as well as the NORINCO-owned Chrysler Motors. However, analysts say this will not be an easy gap to close, especially since Chrysler Motors’s example, the Dominator, suffered a spectacular incident in New Orleans, the results of which are still affecting the local shrimping industry to this day.

Local Man Sets Record For MInigun Jog

And finally, in what can be considered both amazing and possibly suicidal, New Hokkaido man Jan Van Der Trenck has set the record for the longest period spent with constantly firing miniguns under each arm.

Jogging on an oval track which was surrounded by Territanium and transparent metal-based barriers and provided with water, chewable caffeine tablets and microwave pocket sandwiches along with a powered exoskeleton to hold the miniguns with replicating ammo storage pods, Mr. Van Der Trenck ran around the track for seventy nine hours before medics cut short the project due to obvious signs of fatigue.

Said Van Der Trenck, recovering from a hospital, “Fookin’ hell. I mean, I don’t even remember half of what I did, man, but I mean, I was able to jog around a track with a pair of miniguns under each arm. That’s a damn good achievement. Now, I need a nap.”

*Van Der Trenck falls asleep.*

The record is arguably the longest record for Most Hours Jogged with a Minigun Under Each Arm since Sven Halderman’s record, set during a cross country jog in Alvaria City that lasted for thirty six hours.

Thank you for watching the REAL NDBC news--New Dornalian Broadcasting Corporation news--not those jokers at National Dornalian Broadcasting Corporation.

[New Dornalia]

OOC: Took me long enough to make this. Mentions of HR are based on discussions with the Hobbiest Republic re: mechasport.

IC:

Dornie News Network

Tonight on Dornie News Network, we take a break from our regular programming. Tonight’s feature is a report by Sports Desk writer Tim Mackenzie, live from the John Morrison’s Cup in Hammertongs, Luxembourgia.

*imagery cuts to a montage of a giant robot, which should be familiar to fans of Full Metal Panic as an Arbalest, bedecked NASCAR style in sponsors’ labels. However, the most prominent logo is a massive symbols resembling three diamonds, reading in both Japanese and English, “Mitsubishi Sport Performance Team.” A group of men and women are around it, as it is rolled out in a frame. A voice begins addressing the audience in an Oklahoman drawl.*

It’s five a.m. in Tokyo, Japan. The men and women--and the odd mechanicbold--of the Mitsubishi Sport Performance Team are going over their machine once more. This machine--one of many in the Mitsubishi Sport Performance Team’s arsenal--is geared to duelling its peers on the field of honor. There are many like it--it began life as a standard Arbalest Arm Slave mecha--but like many of its cousins and siblings, it’s taken on new life and new features in the name of excellence. It’s Mitsubishi’s and no one else’s.

Like others of the sort, Mitsubishi will take this machine on the road.

*cuts to images of the Machine tackling another giant robot and engaging in groundfighting with it*

They’ll have it duel other giant robots in feats of combat skill as part of a troupe of robots.

*cuts to images of an Arbalest bedecked in Mitsubishi team livery, climbing a tall building in some arcology, with a chunkier looking Mobile Suit with the familiar Ford Performance symbols on it, bounding over a huge barrier.*

They’ll take other machines they have also to out run other machines. Sometimes, it’s over obstacle courses which, depending on the terrain, might be either mildly challenging…

*cuts to an image of Mitsubishi Arbalest climbing a massive tower, in a built up urban environment as an Axman in Holden Special Vehicles colors is not far behind. It’s clear both are VERY high up in an arcology zone, and there’s not much room for error*

..to the just plain ridiculously hard.

*cuts to images of another Arbalest. This time, it’s skiing over snowy terrain, firing laser rifles at moving targets with specially modified snowshoe-skiing thingies on its feet, with jumpjets blazing.*

They’ll even send machines to try and outrun other machines, while trying to get perfect aim on targets that move at speeds to make Peregrine Falcons jealous.

*cuts to the Mitsubishi being loaded onto a frame, loaded into a waiting dropship*

This is the world of Mechasport.

*cuts to a man in a Stetson hat walking around in a museum with giant robots. The robots are of all sizes and shapes.*

Mechasport may increasingly become the most popular sport in the Colonial Republic, but it hasn’t always been that way. Rather, it has comparatively recent origins.

*cuts to images of good ol’ boys in Aliens power loaders arm wrestling each others’ power loaders, Trials of Refusal by Armored Cavalry guys, so on*

As long as there has been giant robots and powered armor in the Colonial Republic, people raced each other, tried to outshoot one another...so on. And indeed, the Mechasport Governing Committee records many such amateur events as canonical. But it wasn’t until after the Civil War that organized Mechasport as we know it really took off.

There’s a bunch of reasons why Mechasport has become so popular.

*cuts to images of mecha pilots painting nose art on their fighters, mecha pilots working on their machines glaring at one another*

One factor was the fact that there was already a culture of mecha pilots tuning and competing against one anothers’ machines.

*cuts to images of a pair of mecha pilots in giant robots spin-kicking one another in the background--one has a Dornie military uniform and a patch with the present Dornie flag, and the other has a tattered Orderman’s uniform and a Red Star patch with a crazed look in his eyes, as the same mecha pilots representing different teams do the same thing in the foreground.*

Additionally, some history types say a factor in it's popularity is likely due to the fact that a generation of robot jocks from both sides of a recently reunified Colonial Republic wanted to recapture the thrills of the old days, in a safer form.

*cuts to images of women in tanks, slowly fading away as the same women now pilot mecha*

Plus, the new sport was introduced around the same time as Tankery, and for a while, used similar rules.

*cuts to images of a Toyota dealership, with a guy with a wad of cash buying a giant robot from a salesman*

However, bipedal mechanized units were just simply more widely available. An Ogre-class power suit made by Toyota would come equipped with enough gear to dig ditches, move ably across roads without cracking the pavement, and perform other heavy jobs for just $25,000--less than the cost of say, a Tiger tank. And you can find the parts at a dealership.

*cuts to the infamous image of the “Four Dudes on a Couch Shouting” image*

Finally, it was exciting. It put, so the saying goes, “asses in seats” and was profitable enough that the big companies began sponsoring it and giving it airtime.

*Shows images of Nadine shaking hands and awkwardly smiling at the camera in front of a what looks like a NASCAR driver standing in front of a giant robot, followed by other corporate sponsors’ shops building mecha of all sizes and shapes*

HT Industries, back when Nadine Huntleigh-MacIntyre was running it, sponsored the first real Mechasport competition several years after the War. Even today, many Mechasport teams are sponsored by the big corporations and tuner houses. They can either be in-house racing teams for a big company and/or a tuning house, or freelance privateer racers.

It’s not uncommon, for example, to have NORINCO run teams with both Factory 66 and standard equipment, for example; likewise, LanserWerks runs it's own Tuner Team. Tuning divisions also work to tune up machines from their employers sold to other teams, so it’s not uncommon for LanserWerks machines to be seen in the hands of the Lawbold-Haas Team, or HSV mecha in the hands of University of Huntleighville. Foreign racers have even entered the championships, with rumors of Hobbiest teams participating in old Mobile Suits--albeit as amateurs for the time being, using older Mobile Suits one to two generations old.

*cuts to images of Dornalian admirals and generals watching giant robots dueling*

Even the Dornalian Government, through CMOC, even allowed for “Special Scientific and Sport Waivers” for the Mechasport teams to possess many designs and to race.

*cuts to guy in full Dornie Marine dress uniform, identified as “Colonel Tim Brewer,” with the title of “Crew Chief, Marine Corps Leathernecks Team*

“Oh, well, it’s no secret that our government actively encourages Mechasport. I mean, hell, the various Citizens Forces units and even regular Army, Navy, so on sponsor race teams of all sorts. Civil-Military Oversight Committee also goes lax on Mechasport teams--issues licenses to ‘em so that they don’t make trouble. My team’s a particularly interesting example, as we might be the only team made solely of active duty service members--we’re sorta sponsored by the Corps, but not really. Like, we can use the name and we have a budget, but we seek out our sponsorships like any other.”

*Guy in Stetson interjects*

“Why?”

*Colonel Brewer speaks matter of factly*

“Because it allows us to see how people are improving mechas of all sorts--Air Land Mechs, BattleMechs, smaller Tactical Units--all at minimal cost and maximum enjoyment to the taxpayer. I mean, we could spend a gazillion dollars to make a new shiny giant robot that might not have guaranteed performance out there in the battlefield.

Or, you can let the private sector build machines that push themselves to the limit, everyday all day, to the point of failure--mechanical or otherwise--and we can go, ‘Oh, that looks like a keeper.’ And then, we do our own testing, we make it soldier proofed, and then send it into harm’s way, knowing that it’s a proven, useful design.

And that’s important, because people go, ‘Oh, Giant Robots Suck’ and ‘Oh, I can just cut a Giant Robot off at the knees.’ And I just laugh at them. Because we’re building an evolutionary hot house here--the purpose of which is to weed out the flaws and make something we can be proud of. I mean, you pit those haters against the Number 56 back there--a very slick modified M72 Arbalest mecha--and I guarantee you Fitty-Six will be the winner.

I mean, top guys such as LanserWerks have seen military contracts come as the result of a successful run. “

*imagery cuts to footage of mechas of various sorts, in line*

Now, mechasport is divided into three categories, as recognized by the Mechasport Governing Committee and the NCAA for those collegiate level competitions.

*imagery zooms in on a variety of smaller mechas. These include fancier, sturdier versions of the Power Loader from Aliens, D.va’s mech from Overwatch...the list goes on and on. There’s even an Imperial Knight minimecha, but spray painted in Marine Corps Leatherneck Team logos*

There is the Tactical Armor Group. These are smaller mecha units which range anywhere from this Ford Power Loader, to the Hyundai MEKA Tactical Response Armor, to this early model Kurosawa Mk. II unit, customized by Factory 66 and finally this Imperial Knight suit. They’re smaller units, usually found on work sites and battlefields acting as tank substitutes. They don’t weigh much more than 10 Dornie Standard Tons (and that’s really pushing it) and don’t come higher than 20 Dornie Standard Feet, and come in Light Armor, Medium Armor, and Heavy Armor weight classes.

*imagery then zooms in on a smattering of Mobile Suits and Battlemechs. An Atlas can be seen punching a Mad Cat Mark II. Meanwhile, a RK-92 Savage is seen bounding over a high barrier as an Axman trips over it.*

Then, there’s the Land Mecha Group. These get bigger now, divided into Light Armor, Medium Armor, Heavy Armor, and Ultraheavy Armor classes. These include mecha ranging from Arm Slaves--like the Mitsubishi we saw earlier--to Mad Cat Battlemechs and even the odd Warhound Titan. They’re giants designed to fight and designed to win. There’s no real limits here besides weight, and that’s how people like it.

*cuts to images of Valkyries in that intermediate walker-flyer mode, as a Jormungandr-Valkyrie seeks to cut off a Wasp LAM in action*

Finally, there’s the Land Air Mecha Group. These machines are transformable craft, characterized by the ability to transform from aircraft to mecha and back. Some of them even have an intermediate form. These include mecha such as the LanserWerks Valkyrie FGA.5, the NORINCO Type Yi Spacefighter, and the Boeing Proteus. These mecha, like the rest, are divided into Light Armor, Medium Armor, and Heavy Armor classes.

*Image cuts to the Stetson Guy talking, standing in front of what looks like a deranged, giant sized version of that course from Ninja Warrior*

Now, for those of you new to Mechasport, competition’s generally organized into four different categories. For example--there’s Mecha Challenge Courses, which involve trying to maneuver the fastest across rough terrain. A standout example is this course, here at Fort Irwin. Used by the military, the annual Fort Irwin Challenge opens the Challenge Course here--one of the toughest in the nation--to any and all racers looking to see who traverses the most terrain, in the quickest time. But there’s more!

*Stetson Guy walks, and the image cuts to him somewhere on a mountain peak*

Then, there’s the Mecha Biathlon, wherein competitors compete to get the fastest travel time across rough terrain while shooting at moving targets. I’m standing here on Ilum, on the Tadanobu 500--here--

*Stetson Guy ducks, as what looks like a skiing Mobile Suit leaps over the Guy and lands softly in the distance. The Mobile Suit has what looks like a massive shotgun firing away at some drones in the air.*

--as you just saw, the competition involves high-flying cross country skiiing, but also faced past action shooting. The rules here can be mixed up--Tadanobu 500 for example, focuses on trap shooting, while the New Sapporo Run focuses on what’s essentially a big three-gun match.

*Stetson Guy then cuts to images of himself near mechas running on a big banked oval, and next to a pair of mechas engaging in a sumo match*

Mecha Time Attack runs where mecha try to achieve the fastest lap time, and finally, Mecha Combat Courses, whereupon various types of mecha compete in hand to hand and distance combat, either in single combat or with teams.

And as if these weren’t challenging enough, these competitions can be run Endurance style--meaning that for a certain time period, mecha have to remain active and functional along with their pilots. There’s time for pit stops and so on, but the machines can’t be non-functional for more than five minutes or suffer major damage…

*Cuts to image of a RK-92 Savage sustaining a massive hit, before stumbling forward and exploding as the pilot ejects*

….or else they’re out. Goes without saying of course, that Mechasport is a dangerous world--one where accidents do happen, even with safety a top priority in many competitions.

*Cuts back to Colonel Brewer, as he narrates over footage of a mecha falling down a series of tall buildings, into an inky blackness below.*

“Yeah, people get killed occasionally in this sport. I mean, let’s not forget what happened to Axel Strybjorn at the Luxembourgia 600--one missed handhold, and that fine Factory 66 machine fell several kilometers, snapped through the safety nets, and fell into a mindworm boil. Nasty stuff.”

*Cuts to protestors, as Stetson Guy Narrates*

Of course, people have protested the perceived lack of safety, although recent alterations have made Mechasport safer than in it's earlier years.

*Cuts to Stetson Guy again*

With millions of viewers on live Holonet/Band/TV broadcasts, a major NDBC contract and also plenty of mechas being sold, there is no denying that Mechasport is fast becoming a popular sport, with no signs of slowing down. I’m Stetson Guy, NDBC Sports.

[New Dornalia]

Dornie News Network

Hello, this is Gracie Liang, and welcome to NDBC News. Tonight’s top stories:

Study Shows Dornalian Bonks Seeking Opportunities Abroad

OOC: Vetted with Rohane Alista.

And in what is being hailed as “continuing a great tradition of Dornalians going overseas to make their fortunes,” a study released by the All-Dornalia Forest Sisters’ Pack Assembly has indicated that a large number of Forest Sisters, known more commonly as Bonks, have increasingly opted to pursue opportunities available to them further abroad.

The study, compiled over several years by the Assembly’s Pack Registry, indicates that the two most popular destinations for Forest Sisters/Bonks to pursue foreign work opportunities are the Starways Congress territories, and in a surprise twist, various regions of Mystria, focusing on the Constitutional Empire of Rohane Alista especially.

The study itself noted that the fact many are moving to Rohane Alista is unusual, given that it is a somewhat insular country. However, a variety of factors were named, such as available, “unusual but challenging” employment opportunities in fields such as law enforcement and adult entertainment, chain migration, good overall opinions of the Sisters/Bonks from the locals and also the involvement of prominent Sisters/Bonks from New Chicago County, particularly Anita Persky of RAID. The study also discussed why many chose to work in the Starways Congress zones, although a key factor was definitely favorable incentives from SWC authorities for Warsaw Pact zone residents.

Said Demographer Erszebet Nagy of the Pack Registry, a member herself of the Hungarian Packs: “What we are witnessing here may be arguably the first Pack formed outside Dornalian soil. Many new Pack associations formed as the Sisters went to space of course, but these were within Dornalia itself. Such a development would be something to watch indeed.”

Dornalian Military Rumored to be Picking New Tactical Level Mecha Suit

In what analysts are saying “is about Goddamn time,” anonymous sources within the Dornalian Armed Forces have indicated that a major defense contractor is to be given the contract to produce new Tactical Level Power Armor suits for the Dornalian Army and Navy/Marines. The current Tactical Level Power Armor Suit, Dornalia’s high-tech solution to armored warfare in lieu of (and occasionally complementing) regular tanks, is the Kurosawa Mk IV system. Although perfectly servicable, JRCCC had begun a Tactical Level Armor Replacement Project to explore the possibility of acquiring a model “more suitable for modern combat requirements.” These would include urban combat, and so on.

Although the military is keeping mum on the subject, rumors have it that the Dornalians have chosen either a “militarized” version of the Hyundai MEKA system known as the “White Tiger,” the Bushwhacker (no relation to the Battlemech), built by Ford, or the United Armscorp Ratel.

Spoor Family Member to Start Own Racing Team, Mitsubishi Says “Bring it.”

OOC: Credit to Humankind Abh for contributing dialogue in this section.

IC:

In a press conference today at Spoor Holdings Company’s HQ, Taisia, daughter of Beneej Spoor, the founder of the Spoor Holdings Company, has announced that she will become personally involved in the world of Mechasport.

*Image cuts to Spoor’s Daughter standing in a blazing red racing jumpsuit with the Spoor Crest on it. She looks somewhat impatient at having to put up with sportswriters, and keeps looking at her shiny new giant robot as she talks calmly. It’s a shiny, blazing red giant robot with the Spoor Family crest on it.*

“Jousting has been a long standing tradition within the Empire. Though jousting and your Mechasport may appear different on the surface, the spirit of the contest is the same. I have watched your matches for some time now and find that they lack a sort of grace. So once again the Spoors will step out onto the dance floor to show the world what great dancers we are in our new Mechasport team--Team Spoor. And well, we’re going to do what we Spoors have always done. Win.”

*cuts to a montage of the Team Spoor’s mechas being loaded onto carryalls. They’re crimson red, and while they resemble ordinary Battlemechs like MadCats and so on, they look sleeker, more lean in comparison, but with more shininess and a degree of elegance. They also are bristling with weapons and look a good deal shinier than their base counterparts. There’s even a few original designs. Gracie Liang narrates*

The announcement has puzzled the mechasport community, as by all accounts SHC’s main Mechasport teams--Mitsubishi Sport Performance Team, and the United Armscorp Springboks--have won multiple victories in recent years, particularly at last year’s Hannibal Run Endurance Biathlon, where participants struggled across the Alps from Nice to Rome. The most surprising rumor about this finding is that Team Spoor was started allegedly because, to quote an inside source which wished to remain anonymous, “Taisia was just really friggin’ bored, like her mom.”

*image cuts back to SPoor’s Daughter at the conference*

For her part, Taisia has not actually denied this at all, or that matter said anything one way or the other.

*Spoor’s Daughter speaks, continuing to look bored*

“What matters is that we are here now and my little ‘birdie’ and I are going to race.”

*Random sports caster raises hand*

“Madame Spoor, is it true that Team Spoor will be competing not just with other teams such as Factory 66 and Lawbold-Haas, but also in house teams such as Mitsubishi Sport Performance?”

*Spoor’s Daughter merely nods. Then, she pauses and then says with a faint smile.*

“I see no reason to spare them either. Our company only wants the best in its ranks. Besides, I’m sure it’ll be fun. Real fun.”

The new team is scheduled to participate in the Luxembourgia 500, noted by some to be the most difficult obstacle course in Mechasport. For her part, Spoor is unfazed. Said Ms. Spoor to the challenge:

“Finally. Something interesting.”

Thank you for watching the REAL NDBC news--New Dornalian Broadcasting Corporation news--not those jokers at National Dornalian Broadcasting Corporation.

[New Dornalia]

Dornie News Network

Hello, this is Gracie Liang, and welcome to NDBC News. Tonight’s top stories:

Ordermen Announce First Annual “Mr. Fixit” Foreign Volunteerism Campaign

OOC: Idea comes from The Batorys.

IC:

In a move which was “really not surprising to anyone,” the Order of the Vanguards, New Dornalia’s primary organization of magic users, has announced today that it is launching the Mr. Fixit campaign. Seeking to boost volunteerism at home and abroad, the Mr. FIXIT (Fraternal International eXtraordinary Intelligence and Talents) campaign “urges Dornalians to go abroad and spend a year using their skills to help the less fortunate.”

*image cuts to Terry Tadanobu, who is busy eating a chorizo in her hand as she’s talking to the media and also using her mind-powers to cook a roast*

“You know, we Dornalians are very generous people who like helping people out to do wondrous things. But we’ve been slacking a bit recently, I think. I think it’s time we got out there, and showed the universe how it’s done! LOOK OUT, WORLD!”

*As Terry says that, the roast lights on fire, before the fire goes out to reveal a perfectly caramelized crispy coating. She then begins carving the roast for a line of orphans, who clap.*

The effort, which is sponsored by both the State Department and the Order’s Outreach Committee, will dispatch teams of individuals who “possess the good moral character, mental fortitude, and specialized skills needed to help fix problems in the universe wherever they may arise,” according to the press release, to zones which need the assistance and aid wherever and whenever. Besides sending volunteers with skills, supplies will also be brought over to assist locals in rebuilding their lives in whatever way is necessary to do so.

As to the locations the Fixit teams will go, identified zones include “the communties of the Outer Rim of the Skyriver Galaxy” and “certain portions of Mystria.” Unlike the usual aid teams these, assuming local conditions allow, will come armed with magic and gunfighting skills as needed.

NORINCO Signs Wildcat Deal with Treefolk

In what is being called “a cray-cray move by a group of master trolls,” NORINCO’s South China Mineral Resources and Extraction Company has announced today it will begin en-masse investment in mithril supplies from the nation of High Treefolk. The deal, to last several years, will allow SCMREC to actively invest in mithril futures within HTF as well as, in a move which is especially controversial, to purchase the “wonder metal” directly from local suppliers.

I spoke to Johnny Wang at SCMREC’s Hong Kong Headquarters to gain his insights into the story:

*image cuts to a smug looking man in a slick suit, at a desk, grinning. He’s an Asian man, identified as “Johnny Wang,” head of the SCMREC. His grin is a smug one, laced with contempt for the journalist asking him questions.*

“Yeah, we’re buyin’ up ALL that sweet, sweet mithril. I mean, it’s expensive, but the Treefolk offered a good deal. So what?”

*Gracie looks nervous as she asks*

“Well, what of the fact that the Purchasing Commission sent SCMREC a letter indicating that all purchases need to be approved and processed through the Commission, citing federal law?”

*Wang lets out a laugh and keeps up his smug-grin.*

“Please, I’m not scared of them. I mean, look, they’re a nothing. A non-entity. I mean, they buy mithril from Furumvine, and they try to judge me. That’s….you’ll pardon my language, what my friends and I call a ‘fucking bullshit move.’ Besides, you find me a law which prevents entrepreneurs from buying their own mithril. Find me one. Fucking. Law. My lawyers couldn’t find one. So I’m challenging the Purchasing Commission on this, and until they lead me away in handcuffs, I won’t stop.”

*Gracie raises her eyebrow*

“One could say that the Purchasing Commission is important because they buy mithril and stockpile it for rationed sale and distribution, thus ensuring more ready access to a very rare material obtained in an ethical manner. They also leverage the resources available to a sovereign nationstate to acquire a resource beyond the reach of the common Dornalian in the first place from a variety of sources, all of them much more stable and with less baggage than HTF. Wouldn’t you buy that argument?”

*Johnny smiles, even as his tone gets icy*

“Not really no. One could say that the Purchasing Commission is anti-capitalist, and I thought we were a democracy where the little guy could make deals and buy whatever shit they want. You know, why shoiuld I depend on them when I can go to somewhere, schmooze with these people, and buy my own shit on my terms.”

*Gracie nods*

“But you’ll buy mithril, even at inflated prices. I mean, one gram of mithril foil is hundreds of times more expensive than say, neutronium or other materials. It’s a material that’s gotten people killed over it's rarity, and it’s so rare and valued that it’s used to back currencies in Riemaia. Why not have the Purchasing Commission handle these purchases?”

*Johnny smiles as he continues*

“Because I asked those people . They said no. They said no to HTF. Apparently, it was too dangerous to buy from HTF, especially given it's current government and state of flux. They saw crisis, chaos, and disaster. I and my fellow investors saw opportunity. Everyone else runs scared. We go in and deal. NORINCO’s made plenty of unconventional investments that way, and it’s earning more dividends from it like you wouldn’t believe. So I struck out on my own. Besides, from what I hear, the Hobbiests are moving to get some of that action and I don’t want us to be left out.”

*Gracie nods*

“What of say, labor and sourcing issues? Will your people use the Commission’s Good Quality Guidelines to ensure the mithril is produced ethically and with minimal harm to the locals?”

*Johnny nods, still smiling*

“Well, they’re Guidelines, Gracie. I mean, we can follow them, but I think making the most out of your deal demands some tough dealing which conflicts with those guidelines.”

*Gracie raises her eyebrow*

“So--”

*Johnny cuts her off.*

“You’ve got your answer, babe. Don’t feel like revising it. Besides, think of it this way. We’ll have the lock on much mithril. We’ll make bank. If you ask me--they just hate us cuz they ain’t us.”

*Cuts to Gracie in the studio*

Of course, the plan has attracted criticism from many angles. A statement released by Citizens Raging Against Powermongers decried SCMREC’s move as “perpetuating misery for the sake of a shiny metal,” and protests erupted in front of SCMREC in Hong Kong.

Meanwhile, prominent members of Congress and the State Department are calling for a Congressional inquiry into the matter, for the purposes of “investigating whether the current arrangement is in compliance with both the Purchasing Commission’s Good Quality Guidelines and other matters of federal law and ethical rules.” Addiitonally, the Purchasing Commission is rumored to be preparing legal action against SCMREC. SCMREC and the Purchasing Commission had no additional comment.

Dornie Man Announces Prize for Stopping Eldritch Being

And finally tonight, eccentric Dornie man Takeshi Kutagawa has become a viral sensation after posting a rambling video on the Sledgehammer Network, offering a prize of “Elenty Jillion FUcking Dollars” to stop what he calls “The White Kirin.”

The eccentric 75 year old Dornalian from central Tokyo can be seen waving a wad of money and brandishing a gold plated 1911 with Virgin of Guadalupe grips and a knife in his mouth proclaiming that the creature was sent by the “Cylon-Lizardman-Communist Conspiracy to prevent me from spreading the mantra of Mutatonism” and that “All and Sundry Must Work Together to Defeat This Frankenstein Monster-God-Cylon Before He Implants Brainwash Telescreens Into Our Brains WHICH LIVE IN OUR SEWERS!.”

WHile it is unknown to what Mr. Yang is referring to, his rambling video has become an unintentional comedy classic, with approximately one trillion views on the SledgeNet. However, cryptozoologists aren’t laughing, noting that “there’s actually been an uptick in sightings of a mysterious creature around Tokyo, which may explain a lot.” The Temple of Tokyo-Yokohama, meanwhile, has refused to comment on anything in this video.

Thank you for watching the REAL NDBC news--New Dornalian Broadcasting Corporation news--not those jokers at National Dornalian Broadcasting Corporation.

[New Dornalia]

Dornie News Network

Hello, this is Gracie Liang, and welcome to NDBC News. Tonight’s top stories:

Dornalian Navy to Begin Expanding Participation in Nassau Accord-related Activities

OOC: Credits to Asfaltum/Arch for reminding me about this.

IC:

In what is being called “the most significant Dornalian Navy action” since the Battle of Coruscant, the Department of Defense has announced a “significantly expanded role in the enforcement and implementation of the Nassau Accords.” The expansion will include “more strident patrols and monitoring” of unclaimed and uncharted regions of the Milky Way Galaxy as well as in the Andromeda Galaxy, for the purpose of “defending displaced persons and to provide them with secure places of refuge as mandated by the Accord.”

While this is not the first time the Dornalian Navy had previously participated in Nassau Accord activities--namely, in the defense of trade routes and movement routes pursuant to the Nassau Accord Resolution passed by Congress some time ago--the DoD’s expanded operations, dubbed “Operation Exodus,” represents a more expansive level of activity. DoD declined to offer exact numbers, but indicated that “significant” numbers of ships and personnel will be assigned to the effort.

Analysts hailed the move as a positive one, declaring “It’s about time” in the words of international law scholar Joe Kinnealy. However, skeptics have voiced concerns about the level of involvement the Dornalian Navy may have in relation to the Stepping Stones established, particularly as a large number of engineering and construction teams have allegedly been hired for “long term sustainment” purposes.

Standoff in Furumvine Ongoing

In what is a dramatic, ongoing development, NDBC News has learned that the Dornalian Embassy in Furumvine has come under siege from local forces. Although details are forthcoming as to why this siege has taken place, State Department has confirmed that there is an ongoing situation and that all possible options are being explored at this juncture.

Speculation has run rampant, but while State Department has refused to comment on the situation, some have put this to the mercurial leadership of the Furumis, with whom there have been issues in the past. We continue to bring updates as they come in.

State Department Reportedly Buys Old Cars

And in more offbeat news, the State Department has begun placing ads in old car magazines seeking pre-Apocalypse and post-Apocalypse Nissan Skyline GT-Rs and Nissan GT-Rs alike. The rumors have puzzled analysts and car enthusiasts alike, as it is unknown as to why the State Department would require these vehicles.

State Department could not be reached for comment. However, there is a persistent rumor, coming from a Nissan employee which has chosen to remain anonymous, which alleges that they are to be rebuilt using “advanced composites” and “other cool shit I can’t talk about.” More down-to-earth rumors note that these high-performance sports cars, pinnacles of pre-Apocalypse engineering which can still be found in many places (both in original form and in the form of modern copies made by some specialist houses), are likely being refurbished as possible “Authorized Gift Items” for Dornalian diplomats to give to foreign dignitaries.

Thank you for watching the REAL NDBC news--New Dornalian Broadcasting Corporation news--not those jokers at National Dornalian Broadcasting Corporation.

[New Dornalia]

Dornie News Network

Hello, this is Gracie Liang, and welcome to NDBC News. Tonight’s top stories:

Massive Chemical Spill Ignites Controversy

OOC: Inspired by a discussion with The Batorys and Rohane Alista.

In what has been dubbed "the worst chemical spill in Dornalian history," large portions of Neusonia III in New Kazakhstan County, have been placed under quarantine by Citizens Forces elements. The cause of the Quarantine can be directly traced to the crash of the M/V Now Voyager. The vessel, carrying hazardous materials including a large consignment of trilithium resin bound for the Lucky Star Cigarette Plant on Stephenson's Planet, crashlanded after what a Board of Inquiry dubbed "mysterious circumstances." The ship was lost with all hands, and its cargo--what cargo was not set on fire or burned in the massive explosion which could be seen from orbit--is now currently leaking out into the planet's atmosphere and groundwater. Although Neusonia III is sparsely populated, with only a small mining colony of 70,000 people, any and all residents are being mandatorily evacuated as cleanup efforts have commenced.

The owner of the M/V Now Voyager, the Consolidated Hazardous Materials Transport Company, has come under fire for the incident, and multiple individuals have resigned since the incident occurred. Anonymous sources within the Federal Government have indicated that an investigation is ongoing involving both the Republican Marshals as well as the Department of Transportation, and criminal and civil actions are being considered due to the extent of the contamination, which has been declared a Federal Disaster Area. Finally, there are rumors that both the families of the crew as well as the individuals evacuated from Neusonia III are going to launch a series of class-action lawsuits, both against CHMTC and its parent company, NORINCO. The latter had no comment, merely stating that "we are cooperating with the authorities within all legal obligations" and "will work to assist in cleanup and compensation in any way possible."

Gorn Wins MMA Fight

In what is proving to be a stunning upset at this year's All-California Classic, a known "anything goes" martial arts tournament which this year was held at the Oakland-Alameda Coliseum, favored champion and Orderman "Tsundere" Jones lost in a controversial split decision by the judges against a Gorn named Rakar. Jones, known to be a practitioner of Von Falkenhausen-Style Karate, was heavily favored by oddsmakers for her lightning fast reflexes and fierce personality, which were key to attaining victory in many matches. However, Rakar, a challenger whose origin is still being determined and whose record has so far involved regional matches in and around the West Coast, proved to have the upper hand on Jones due to what many commentators noted was strong stamina and grappling ability, as well as a keen sense of strategy and unpredictability--a factor whcih has helped un-Empowered fighters in matches against Empowered fighters.

Said sportscaster Donny Pavlov, "Rakar's not the fastest or most agile fighter. Hell, he moves like a drunk cow. And he has no known psychic or magical powers. But when the guy connects--watch out. We've seen him do that time and time again, be it the Bakersfield Regionals or the Cascadia Cup. He can think and he can be unpredictable."

Rakar himself was humble about the achievement, going in a calm manner after receiving "Looook. I knnnnnooowww I am not the fassstest. Or the mossst agile. But I have ssssspent many yearssss on my woorrrrrld.....leading men and facccccing enemies. It wasssss but a ssssimple matter of applying that ssssstrategy to my match.....I am the victor. Thissss much is true."

No word yet on what Rakar wants to do now, but he is reportedly in talks to begin endorsing Perk-a-Cola Energy Supplements.

Furumvine Crisis Ongoing

And finally tonight, on a more serious note--the Embassy in Furumvine continues to remain under siege by Furumi forces. Speculation is rampant as to what if any relief measures will be undertaken, but although State Department and JRCCC are not openly commenting on the matter it is widely believed some sort of relief expedition may occur.

State Department has confirmed in a statement that "false accusations of espionage" and "attempts by the Dornalian Ambassador to refuse payment of bribes to a certain individual" were the causes for the current crisis, as reported by the Ambassador, although the statement itself is terse and undetailed.

Thank you for watching the REAL NDBC news--New Dornalian Broadcasting Corporation news--not those jokers at National Dornalian Broadcasting Corporation.

[New Dornalia]

Dornie News Network

Hello, this is Gracie Liang, and welcome to NDBC News. Tonight’s top stories:

Nissan/Datsun to Begin Exports to Hyperborea

OOC: Inspired by a conversation with The Batorys, who provided some dialogue.

IC:

In what is being hailed as a major business success for Lady Gracie’s Import-Export Consortium and its partners at Nissan, a major deal has been struck with the Batory Empire to form Datsun Motor Company Hyperborea, Inc. A joint venture between the three parties encompassing sales, manufacturing and maintenance, Datsun Motor Company Hyperborea represents the first major Dornalian investment in the region.

Speaking at a “launch party,” Gracie Kurimitsu, the outspoken and flamboyant head of Lady Gracie’s Import-Export Consortium, had this to say:

*image cuts to Lady Gracie, wearing a women’s suit and standing near an unusually shiny model of a Datsun-badged Nissan Skyline GT-R--an R34 series model for those interested in such things. Lady Gracie herself is cocky, confident, and holding a cognac glass in one hand and gesticulating wildly with the other. Her reddish hair and pointy Hylian ears are as animated as her hands*

“I mean, how can you not think this is awesome? Think about it. By agreeing to do this, okay--we’re executing a win-win situation. I mean, we’re providing the Hyperborean people with a wide range of useful daily drivers and exotic toys alike. And, it’s high tech at a low cost. So that provides the Hyperborean consumer with choice. Now, what do I get out of it? Besides profits? Well, I get to go where no Dornie investor has gone before. It’s Adventure Investing at it’s finest! That doesn’t seem like a lot, but earning goodwill and having a good time doing it I think is worth the effort.”

*Reporter Lady turns and thanks Gracie, before Reporter Lady turns and asks the Empress a question*

“Your Majesty, what do you see as the overall benefits of this arrangement?”

Vereba, the Batory matriarch, turns to the reporter, smiling politely with just a hint of the barbed fangs behind the pale lips. “Well, more choices for my people are a good thing, no?” she says in her sing-song accent, a slight eerie hissing to her otherwise full voice. “Datsun models sold within my Empire will also be produced here, providing many jobs for skilled workers.” The one of her voice is sultry, almost as if she’s trying to flirt with the reporter or seduce her into bed, an idea not that far-fetched given the Empress’s highly… flattering forest green dress.

*The Reporter Lady blushes in an amused way, and continues to talk. She looks just about ready to swoon, but yet seems composed enough to remain standing. Gracie Kurimitsu looks on, begins passing out popcorn.*

“Well….yes. That does sound like a good thing! More jobs are always awesome, Your Majesty.”

“Yes… perhaps we could discuss things in greater detail, in a more… private… setting,” the Batory raises an eyebrow and licks her lips. “After all, I do have a new car to test drive… would you like to come along?”

*Reporter Lady nods and stands up straight, saluting*

“Yes’m!”

*Reporter Lady then goes with Vereba, leaving Gracie Kurimitsu eating popcorn, enraptured by the occasion.*

*Footage cuts to images of Hyperborean bigwigs such as the Foreign Minister and Trade minister, Nissan guys, and Gracie posing for photos. Reporter Lady narrates, her voice sounding very tired, as if engaging in some heavy labor.*

As part of the deal, Datsun has made a commitment to local manufacturing and research, which will comprise most major makes currently suitable for the MT/PMT consumer. Although initial models will be initially built from kits shipped from the Republic itself, the hope is to quickly transition to full domestic production “at all deliberate speed.”

Additionally, Datsun management and Gracie herself has confirmed that one of the newly crafted “Diplospec” Nissan Skylines, tuned and modified under State Department contract to provide a ready made gift for diplomatic summits, has been presented to the Empress as a gesture of thanks for authorizing the venture.

Magical Girl Gang Wanted By Authorities

In what is being dubbed “the cutest crime wave ever,” authorities in Northern California, Oregon, Washington and even as far as Idaho and Alberta have urged travelers and especially armored car drivers to remain on alert and armed. This comes after a wave of holdups committed against commuters and armored cars carrying valuables by a group of women in frilly dresses with wands and Klingon Disruptors of various types, believed to be members of the “The Collectors” a group of armed robbers known to utilize magical powers and “magical girl” costumes in their various heists. Previously seen on other worlds such as New Hokkaido and so on, The Collectors it seems, have arrived on Earth and has begun a crime spree across Northern California and the Pacific Northwest.

*image cuts to a man in a California Highway Patrolman’s outfit. He is flanked by two men--one man wearing the uniform of the Order, the other man wearing a suit and sunglasses with a badge reading “Republican Marshals”*

“Look, we’re working with Federal and Local authorities to get to the bottom of this. These magical girls have robbed for too long, and we’re going to trap them here on Earth and destroy them. Plain and simple.”

The Collectors are not known to be aligned with a similar group operating in Los Angeles County, although the recent rise in magical girl gangs has caused concern among authorities and Order temples alike.

Team Spoor Smashes Ford Performance at New Kazakhstan Combat Championships

In what is a game changer for the Final Rounds of the New Kazakhstan Combat Championships, Team Spoor, lead by the eccentric Taisia Spoor, demolished reigning champion Ford Performance to enter the finals in what commentators are calling “the most lopsided engagement ever in Combat Mechasport.”

*cuts to footage of crimson red Mad Cats and Mobile Suits rushing a group of mecha bedecked in blue and white paint and Ford Performance logos. One Mobile Suit even tosses a Ford mecha into another, before rushing in*

The fateful match, taking place in the Cohen Mountains, involved early and rapid domination by Team Spoor’s battlemechs, which moved aggressively against their opponents. Experts are still baffled by the upset, as Ford Performance is known to perform quite well in Combat Simulation-type matches. However, a growing consensus seems to say that Team Spoor’s decision to close quickly with Ford Performance’s mecha and to force them into close combat along with their early seizure of the high ground which allowed units equipped with Gauss Cannons to target enemy units below helped Team Spoor immensely. Sports analysts also point to Team Spoor’s extensive modifications for extra speed and agility, particularly in Taisia Spoor’s own Mad Cat Mark II.

Ford Performance’s loss is the first known example of a sanctioned race invoking the “Mercy Rule” to stop clearly lopsided matches. Team Spoor goes on to battle the champion Lawbold-Haas Mechasport Team in the semifinals.

Thank you for watching the REAL NDBC news--New Dornalian Broadcasting Corporation news--not those jokers at National Dornalian Broadcasting Corporation.

[/quote]

[New Dornalia]

Dornie News Network

Hello, this is Gracie Liang, and welcome to NDBC News. Tonight’s top stories:

Landmark Deal Struck Involving Mythrandir

OOC: RPed in collaboration in Mythrandir, with whom this is to be a thing in the future.

In what is being called a “dramatic step towards the full revival of the Myth economy” and “yet another business success for New Dornalia’s own Mary Sue,” the Ford Motor Company in collaboration with Lady Gracie’s Import-Export Consortium has announced a deal has been struck with the Myth Government to establish a new joint venture. Known as the Ford Motor Company of Mythrandir, the venture, involving the construction of automobiles, tractors and other machinery for Myth sale as well as the opening of a Design Center to promote the creation of local designs, represents one of the first major foreign investments to come to the Kingdom since the Uruk Uprising.

*image cuts to a montage of a ribbon cutting ceremony, with a young woman with wolf’s ears and tail and a dark elf male dressed in a neatly trimmed spider silk robe with his long silver hair tied back cutting a ribbon, shaking hands, and touring a small car show. A big FTized pickup which looks like a F-150 Raptor Truck that underwent some movie armorer’s touches can be seen, as can other commuter and sport models*

In a public ceremony commemorating the opening of the Mythrandir City Plant outside of the city, Stephanie Mazur of Lady Gracie’s and top Myth officials could be seen celebrating the new plant with Myth beverages and a small fair and car show. The car show, naturally, featured various makes and models to be made, including variants of it's popular Extended Duty Truck and the Land Destroyer MRAP.

*image cuts to Mazur, a young blonde woman with wolf ears and a tail. She wears a skirt suit, and speaks in an accent which is part Received Pronunciation and part Polish.*

“This is clearly a step forward. The Dornalian people have been very generous to the Myths in the past, through our Ranger connections and independently as well. This investment is but a continuing part of that generosity, especially as it mobilizes the economy of Mythrandir--statistically speaking through the creation of jobs, and metaphorically through the introduction of new ways to move the people of Mythrandir about.”

Myth officials, for their part, are sanguine about the effort as well.

Minister Drafir speaks on behalf of the absent Queen Alurial. “The Queen has asked me to convey her thanks to the owners of the Ford Motor Company who, despite our recent trying time, has still seen the Kingdom of Mythrandir as a worthwhile investment. Recently, our human population has seen a great amount of destruction and has spent much of the last year rebuilding their homes and cities. Now with this new factory, we can see them returning to work and building something hopefully they can be proud of. This continued growth just goes to the show the rest that our Kingdom is strong regardless of what is thrown against us.”

Ford Motor Company officials are optimistic that sales will proceed apace into the next quarter. The opening has not been entirely without controversy, however. Ford officials have denied any connection with sightings of a known Elven pirate, footage of which was leaked onto the Holonet yesterday.

Naval Corps of Engineers Commissions First “Heinlein” Class Starship

OOC: Blessed by Riemaia.

In what is being dubbed both as a significant achievement and a symbol of bureaucratic stodginess, the Naval Corps of Engineers has today commissioned the first of a force of new Long Range Reconnaissance Vessel. Developed by General Motors Corporation at their Anneliville Complex, the Heinlein-class Long Range Reconnaissance Vessel was selected by the Naval Corps of Engineers in competition with other models from the Big Five, such as Mitsubishi’s Guardian-derived “Journeyman” concept. Although the exact details of the Heinlein-class are classified, publicly released materials and estimation by analysts indicates that it is a substantial development of an older design known as the Prometheus-class.

*Cuts to image of a guy in a suit behind a desk, identified as “Mark Garabedian, BLAND Corporation.”*

“It’s not bad for a remixed design, for sure. I mean, if you wanted a hardy, well armed, fast ship that could go the distance that wasn’t a Skyriver Galaxy ship, I’d go Prometheus. Capable of splitting into three heavily armed parts to overcome enemy forces, warp 9.99 speeds….of course, from what we can tell, GM took the design and put their own spin on it.”

*cuts to the ship itself in orbit about Graceland County*

The CRS Heinlein itself retains the multivector assault mode of its predecessors, but substantial changes have been noted to the design itself. Known improvements include the construction of the hull using “proprietary lightweight materials,” including GM’s own mithril substitute known as “DuraPlate,” as well as upgraded marks of commonly available polarized “Shield Steel” hull plating. Additionally, Dornalian-made shields and point defenses are installed, and also a mysterious weapon only known as the “Photonic Cannon.” Finally, another known addition is the use of a “backup” Flux Capacitor drive to be used in conjunction with “improved FTL units.”

At least twenty Heinlein-class vessels are expected to enter service, although plans are made for future models to enter service should the class prove successful.

Although the Heinlein-class is being hailed as a potent addition to the arsenal, critics have noted it essentially, in the words of one commentator, “charges a sky-high per unit price for a warmed over supership. And what the hell does a science vessel need a Photonic Cannon for!?”

New Magnitogorsk “Hillbilly Rocket” Launch Succeeds

In what is being hailed as “an unusual step in some direction,” “Mad” Mike Takata, a Bakersfield, CA native known for performing unusual stunts on the HoloNet, successfully launched the “Hillbilly Rocket” from New Magnitogorsk’s InterGalactic Spaceport. Using wormshine as fuel to power the thrusters and FTL, a homebrewed Flux Capacitor unit, and a whole host of parts acquired from a local junkyard, Takata successfully launched the “Hillbilly Rocket” into space, successfully navigating from New Magnitogorsk to an orbiting space station. Mr. Takata then reportedly went on “one great beer run.”

The achievement was filmed on live HoloNet streams and was viewed by billions all over the Republic. The flight is being particularly watched by advocates of open-source spaceship design. Said Aisha Al-Juhziz, head of the Dornalian Hobbyist Spacefarer’s Guild, “Yes, yes, I know people can build their own Raptors out of kits and there’s all kinds of kit shuttles already. But this guy designed his own Hillbilly Flyer and released the design as an open-source thing. Just imagine the possibilities!”

Thank you for watching the REAL NDBC news--New Dornalian Broadcasting Corporation news--not those jokers at National Dornalian Broadcasting Corporation.

[/quote]

[New Dornalia]

Dornie News Network

Hello, this is Gracie Liang, and welcome to NDBC News. Tonight’s top stories:

Probe Sent Into Great Sausage Storm

OOC: Parts of this based on a chat I once had with Allanea, to my knowledge.


IC:


In what has been dubbed, “a sure sign of a slow news day,” scientists at the University of Nickopolis, in conjunction with the Mastersmiths at the Temple of Nickopolis City, have announced that they will be dropping sophisticated technomagical probes into the bizarre meteorological phenomena on Nickopolis known as the “Great Sausage Storm.” The weather survey effort will attempt to explain why a storm on a distant planet consistently spouts edible, nutritious and oh-so-tasty sausages of all types familiar to Dornies, ranging from hot dogs to kielbasa to Irish Black Pudding and even “Spacer’s Sausage” in both mild and “Extra Zesty.”


*image cuts to scientist guy in a lab coat with a big flying machine of some sort*


“There’s a number of theories about as to why this thing is a thing. Some people once said it was due to the noosphere acting upon our gestalt consciousness to give us what we really want, in a sort of reflexive mirror of our souls. Others think it’s some sort of dimensional eddy. I intend to find out, using this probe which will use a proprietary improbability wave scanner to figure out what’s going on here. I mean, I dunno of anywhere else in the universe where this is a thing.”


*Voice over as probe is loaded into a Thunderhawk for deployment*


The mission, expected to last six months, will center around the deployment of probes into the storm itself, which will monitor factors such as wind speed, magical output, and types of sausage discharged. The effort itself promises to outdo previous expeditions such as the ill-fated Knudsen Expedition, which was presumed lost after their attempt to use a zeppelin to survey the storm ended in the discovery of wreckage hundreds of miles from the storm.

Colonial Republican Army Announces Adoption of new AI System

In what has been decried as a “supreme example of interservice rivalry” and alternately praised as a major step forward, the Army has announced that it will begin to phase in the use of a new artificial intelligence system, the Terrestrial Emergent Specialized Support Asset, or “Tessa” for short. Developed due to a request by Army officials for a “sophisticated artificial intelligence system capable of performing support for organic warfighters in any environment,” the Tessa system is, much like its Naval equivalent “Gracie,” is a sentient construct designed to perform a variety of tasks either using a networked computer or a holographic mobile emitter that is designed to interact with objects.


It is not known when exactly the Tessa series units will be commissioned in full, although it is known that a small “trial run” has already begun amongst selected units. DoD spokesmen have confirmed that a single Tessa unit, named “Tessa Bradley,” was participating in exercises at Ft. Irwin involving command and control of drone tanks designed for combat in “modern tech/post modern tech” theaters of operations.

Batory Imperial Army to Decommission Multiple ICBMs

OOC: The Batorys gets credit for editing some of the factual data, and inspiring this post.


IC:


In what is sure to be a game changer for the region, sources from the Batory Imperial Army announced today that multiple types of obsolete ICBMs would be decommissioned from Imperial service.


In an announcement released publicly, the BIA indicated that it would be decommissioning the Ba’al series models, including some Ba’al Mk2 series missiles, by now over fifty years old. The types listed correspond to known models cited by analysts as having a highly unstable propellant system that is considered to be both highly toxic and just plain dangerous, due to using chlorine trifluoride as oxidizer.


It is unknown what will occur to the decommissioned Ba’als, which were developed by Gosokos Hippaka (rival to another figure in the Batory Space Program, Saruke Katiaris) during a local cold war known as the “Silent War,” held between the Batory Empire and its at-the-time rival, the nation of Sevaris, which lasted for many years and featured nuclear brinksmanship. Complicating the disposal procedure is the fact many of them are housed in silos, which thus entails figuring out what to do with the silos, and also the fact that they were overbuilt to accommodate the atomic weapons of the era. Rumors have it that the missiles, painted an ominous dark red, may be used either for scientific research or sold to a third party for continued use. It is known that the local space exploration agency, BIMSE, has ruled out using the Ba’als in no uncertain terms.

Thank you for watching the REAL NDBC news--New Dornalian Broadcasting Corporation news--not those jokers at National Dornalian Broadcasting Corporation.

[/quote]

[New Dornalia]

Dornie News Network

Hello, this is Gracie Liang, and welcome to NDBC News. Tonight’s top stories:

Dornalians Everywhere Celebrate Thanksgiving

In what comes as a surprise to absolutely no one, trillions of Dornalians everywhere are celebrating the ancient Earth holiday of Thanksgiving. Originating as a holiday in North America, Thanksgiving has become a Dornalian institution, wherein government offices and most businesses close for not only the third Thursday of November but also the day afterwards, so as to allow families to get together and enjoy a feast giving thanks for the good things that have happened to them in the preceding year.


This year did not disappoint. Officials from Tyrol Foods reported a record number of poultry sales, not only of traditional Earth-style turkeys (a traditional food for Thanksgiving) but also more exotic poultry products such as New Sapporo Megaeagles and Hajarran Rocs. Dornalian DOT officials noted a massive spike in traffic across the various Terrestrial and Stellar Gate systems linking the Republic; in cities like Los Angeles, massive traffic jams clogged the entrance to the Terrestrial Interchanges and the local highway and skyway networks. Local and federal law enforcement could be seen patrolling the spaceways, and a number of arrests for operating a spaceship under the influence have occurred.


Still, despite the family centered nature of the occasion, there has been record attendance at various sporting events. The biggest event was the annual Turkey Day Mecha Marathon, a mechasport marathon which goes from Provincetown to Boston, Massachusetts, in which units from Team Spoor won the day.

Tennenbaum Institute Promises "Open Source AI System", AI Rights Groups Express Concern

OOC: Credit goes to The C’tan, Malgrave, and Riemaia for inspiring this post.


IC:


In what is being both hailed and denounced, scientists at the Tennenbaum Institute have announced today that they will produce an “Open Source AI system.” Designed to provide “small start ups, ethicists, and home hobbyists alike” with a means of homebrewing AI units, the Institute plans to roll out the system by the end of the year.


“This is an important step forward,” said Dr. Javier Farrell-Diaz, head of the Institute. “Not since the invention of the Infinite Improbability Bomb has there been a scientific development of such importance here at the Institute. For too long, scientists, academics, and those seeking to push the boundaries of innovation have been hamstrung by either government regulation or high licensing costs for source code. We recognize there are risks involved with AI proliferation, but we do not believe these risks will be mitigated with draconian regulation and paranoia. WIth the Open Source AI System, we intend to produce a solution that will stimulate innovation and improvement in the Dornalian computer sciences.”


The system itself is currently under development, and reportedly includes a number of programmers formerly associated with the Naval Technology Centers, other government agencies, and even one or two former Gracies themselves.


The news is being greeted with skepticism as well as praise. In particular, security analysts and AI rights advocates argue that the Open Source AI Project could lead to abuses and threats. Says General Gracie-San Antonio, formerly of the Naval JAG Corps and head of the Sentient Freedom Alliance, a Pro-AI Rights Group:


“The Open Source AI Project has promise. I worry however, that if we don’t do something to protect the rights of the AI creations made as a result of the Project’s source code--like how there’s protections in civil and military law for AIs like the Gracies, the emerging Tessa units used by the Dogfaces, and other commercial and academic AIs--we could end up with people using them for all kinds of perverse purposes. We could end up with AIs who are the victims of abuse or exploitation, or worse. There’s a reason centers like the Naval Technology Centers or private institutions like the Paulson Schools or GM’s Internal Training Department exist, after all.”


Others have echoed Gracie-San Antonio’s arguments, and there are calls to regulate the project or shut it down, perhaps using a lawsuit designed to block the potential usage of classified data in the Open Source project. Additionally, although analysts indicate that the present AI rights legislation (e.g. the Leinsherr Act, which explicitly extends anti-abuse protections to AI units) is sound and should cover the AIs produced by the Open Source Project’s code, some Congressmen are calling for stricter protections which more explicitly relate to protecting AIs produced as a result of the project. However, Tennenbaum Institute scientists insist they will go ahead with the project, saying “the risks are worth the reward.”

Riemaian Assembly Elections Underway, Analysts Get Popcorn

OOC: With Riemaia’s permission--this section is basically co-written by him. This is a placeholder until we can RP out something bigger.


IC:


In what is sure to be a very busy event, Riemaian Assembly elections have begun. The elections themselves are sure to be comparatively uneventful, but analysts are nonetheless taking an interest in them as there are thousands of seats at stake, all elected by a complicated system involving points.


“Well, I can say that the Riemaian system is complex. No bones about it. Each voter gets 24 points to divvy up among their candidates, with each prefecture having seats with full votes and some minor seats which have a third of a vote. To further complicae things, there’s a system of protecting third parties wherein parties with 4% and below of the total points get minor seats. Further complicating things? There’s first past the post voting with a third of the prefectural seats,” said Dr. Simons of the BLAND Corporation.


Further proving fascinating for election watchers is that no less than seven different major parties are contesting the election. These are the Nobë Democratic Union, The Left, Socialist Unity Party, the Democratic Front, National Youth Movement, Life Party, and Alliance 30. Further, analysts indicate two major political parties which could gain national status--Solidarity and the National Democratic Party. With the wide variety of candidates involved, election analysts will be eagerly anticipating the results.

Hiluxian Homofront Rebels Rumored to Have Rogue AI Unit Amongst Them

OOC: Blessed by Hiluxia’s player.


In a particularly strange rumor which has piqued the curiosity of the Dornalian blogosphere, rumors have come from the war-torn land of Hiluxia that a mysterious new warlord nominally aligned to the Homofront organization has begun engaging in full-scale conflict against other factions in the region with a ferocity and intensity not seen before.


Whilst violent tribalism is endemic to parts of Hiluxia, wider attention has been given due to rumors that a Dornalian “Gracie” unit has become involved, and that even more troubling, the Gracie unit is the new warlord. Rumor also has it that the AI came from a downed Dornalian military vessel which crashed in the region some time ago with all hands lost.


The Defense Department has denied all such rumors, saying, “We can neither confirm nor deny the presence of a rogue AI unit in the area. Now, fuck off and stop asking us.”

Thank you for watching the REAL NDBC news--New Dornalian Broadcasting Corporation news--not those jokers at National Dornalian Broadcasting Corporation.

[New Dornalia]

Dornie News Network

Hello, this is Gracie Liang, and welcome to NDBC News. Tonight’s top stories:

Dornalians Enter Hyperborean Long Rally

OOC: Blessed by the Batorys.

IC:

In what sports analysts are calling “a rather ballsy challenge in a surprisingly down-tech arena,” two major Dornalian teams have announced they will enter the Hyperborean Long Rally. A long-distance endurance course recalling the great races of pre-Apocalypse Earth such as the Cannonball Run and the Paris-Dakar Rally, the Long Rally crisscrosses the whole of the Batory Empire and is expected to pose a challenge to its participants, with conditions ranging from extreme weather to insurgent activity.

The teams themselves have taken different approaches to the race.

*cuts to an image of a black muscle car, with what looks like two large fuel canisters placed inside the trunk of the car, with a new housing designed to protect them both whilst keeping some aerodynamics and a big new turbocharger. Mechanicbolds can be seen refining their creation.*

In a race dominated by designs which range from the unusual to the downright Post-Apocalyptic, Team Lawbold-Haas--an offshoot of the Lawbold-Haas Mechasport Team designed to compete in conventional PMT/MT Motorsports--is fielding a number of vehicles sourced from what it calls “the glory days of Dornie motorsport,” including heavily modified versions of “rally monsters such as the Ford RS200 series” and what is only described as a jet black “heavily modified XB Falcon muscle car with substantially enlarged extra fuel tanks and a ruggedized all-wheel drive and rally tuned suspension setup designed to tackle the elements.”

*image then cuts to a pink-sand-colored truck, with fuel canisters and people working on it's rollcage. It’s a big truck, no bones about it. It looks like a military truck extensively modified for the rally ahead.*

Meanwhile, Team Sea Slug, another, more eccentric Dornalian team, is fielding trucks and other heavier offroad vehicles. One of these vehicles is a truck known as “Big Boris,” named after its colorful driver, Boris Orlov. Said Mr. Orlov of his truck:

*cuts to large man in a telnyashka, smoking a cigar and surveying his truck as he motions to the mechanics attending it. He speaks in Russian, which is translated by a woman with wolf ears and tail standing next to him.*

“This truck is a custom-built GAZ Sadko truck, and it only looks silly. It has been rebuilt using new components, a turbocharged and modified diesel engine and also has other modifications for longdistance rally racing. It is painted pink to blend in with desert. It also comes with rambars to keep away animals and threats to the truck. It also has space in back for extra fuel and spare parts. It is good truck and it will no doubt bring Team Sea Slug to victory.”

*Reporter speaks*

“What sort of components are we talking about? THat does sound rather vague.”

*Boris frowns, and then the woman sheepishly translates before she runs off to calm Boris down as he storms off*

“Um..I think that’s a secret.”

*Cuts to people preparing for the race wearing masks and working on a massive vehicle. It appears to have once been a semi truck. It is now featuring raised suspension, a completely new body with armor plates and a shiny, chrome look, and also various automotive geegaws such as big lights, extra exhaust ports, and new sporty rims. There also appear to be nets and hammocks and even an odd shelving unit with plexiglas and a lock and key on the side, filled with all sorts of objects ranging from toolkits to things which have to be censored for broadcast.*

Besides the teams from Dornieland, multiple domestic teams have obviously entered the race as well. The most eccentric of these are the vehicles fielded by the Zarathul Clan. In what can be described as a "highly unusual vehicle," the Zarathuls have fielded a modified series of trucks which are characterized by their unusual styling and superb endurance power.

Currently, the Long Rally is set to begin tomorrow, and yes viewers, NDBC carries it on the NDBC Sports Network. Make sure to watch!

New Record Set for Hottest CHili Pepper

In what scientists have deemed an “insane step into the beyond,” Takeshi Spurlock, a mild mannered horticulturalist from outside Huntleighville, Konoha County has announced that he has produced the “galaxy’s hottest chili pepper.” Called the “Huntleighville Hustler,” the pepper is alleged to have a Scoville rating in the billions and is cultivated using what Mr. Spurlock calls “all natural methods.”

*cuts to an old Japanese man working with some rather red and evil looking chilipeppers inside a green house. He’s genial, and doesn’t mind the cameras.*

“Well, sonny, all I’ve done is to simply take some rather hot peppers, and crossbreed the suckers together. Got me some Nova Louisiana Firecrackers, some Siristader Lamiafires here, some Wormpeppers there….just kinda crossbred them, kept tinkering with the bastards until they produced something firey, with a bit of smoke flavor.”

*continues showing B-roll footage with the voiceover*

Mr. Spurlock’s creation has sparked interest, with scientists at the University of Huntleighville analyzing his creation to confirm whether it is the spiciest chili pepper in the Republic. The study is not finished yet, but it is likely to lean in Mr; Spurlock’s favor given some viral footage which was released of scientists at University of Huntleighville attempting to eat the chilies.

*cuts to footage of scientists with beer and Hustler peppers. Two of them stand in the midst of a circle of scientists chanting in a primitive manner*

“EAT EAT EAT EAT!”

*The two in the middle eat a pepper each, and one man holds his arms in the air as his face visibly turns red and his head suddenly breaks out into a sweat. The man keeps pumping his fists as the crowd cheers, and then he can be heard shouting.*

“WHOOOOOO!”

*He then pauses and then faints. The other scientist meanwhile, has downed an entire pitcher of beer, keeled over and shouting loudly to cope with the pepper’s searing heat*

“OH GOD! I CAN SEE FOREVER! FOREEEEVER!!!!!”

The footage and the alleged Scoville level have attracted criticism, however. Food safety advocates from the Mothers Against Fun Things group decried the pepper as “an example of overblown masculinity which is going to get us all killed”, while celebrity chef Mike Snurrlson has asked openly, “Can you even cook with this?!” Skeptical pepperheads meanwhile, question if Mr. Spurlock’s methods are indeed all natural.

*cuts to a man surrounded by hot sauces, identified as “Bob Smith” of the “Dornalian Spicy Foods Association”*

“We at the Association are glad someone’s testing these peppers. I mean, Mr. Spurlock may be a horticulturualist, but I guarantee you that you don’t get that kind of Scoville ratings from a stable crossbreed chili pepper by crossbreeds and a green thumb alone. Does anyone remember the Jackson Firebomb incident? The guy used Sith magic and Trilithium Resin for God’s sake to inflate the numbers!”

Nassau Accords Support Continues Unabated

In what has become a quiet, sustained effort to safeguard refugee traffic across the MWG, the Dornalian Government today has announced increased funding and commitment of assets to aid Nassau Accords signatories. The recently approved measure by Congress authorizes the Naval Corps of Engineers to take all appropriate measures to find suitable sites for refuge, and increases the frequency of Naval patrols committed to the increasingly expanding operation, known as Operation Wallenberg. Additionally, the Department of Transportation has announced that it will seek to work with its counterparts to join the existing Dornalian Hyperspace Expressway to the Trans Betan Expressway Project.

Thank you for watching the REAL NDBC news--New Dornalian Broadcasting Corporation news--not those jokers at National Dornalian Broadcasting Corporation.

[New Dornalia]

Dornie News Network

Hello, this is Gracie Liang, and welcome to NDBC News. Tonight’s top stories:

Country Music Star Wins Best Album Award

OOC: Made possible by banter between Menelmacar and Rohane Alista.

IC:

In what has proven to be a stunning upset in the world of Dornie music, Donnie McGonnagal of the Dixie Wanderers today won the Music Critic's Choice Award for "Best New Album of the Year" for their hit album, My Chevy, My Ford, My Lord. A 15 song concept album about "the rise and fall and redemption of a Good Ol' Boy from rural New Kazakhstan County," the album includes tunes ranging from covers of old gospel standards like "Leaning on the Everlasting Arms" to original compositions like, "Your Truck's Big But My Blaster Is Faster." Although country music enjoys some popularity in the Colonial Republic, the album has achieved unprecedented mainstream success, going quadruple neutronium by the end of its first month and inspiring a new dance craze.

"Look, people may talk shit about country, and it's not my cup of tea," said Royston Donaldson, head of the Dornalian Association of Music Critics, which hosts the yearly awards ceremony. "But I'll be damned if this album doesn't have that earworm-y quality that sneaks into your earholes, makes itself at home, and won't let you go. Donnie's made some rather rote country albums before, but this effort really shows songs about an impromptu drag race between two ancient podracers can be surprisingly heartfelt."

Not all persons are enthusiastic, however. Minnie May Donaldson, known as the "Queen of Country" and a veteran of the industry, said simply that "What Donnie has done isn't original, and it ain't nothing but pop-ified fluff anyhow. I'm not even sure why he needed to combine synthesizers with a chorus singing 'Dies Irae.'"

Donnie himself had this to say.

*Cuts to image of a giant Asian man with a guitar and cowboy gear, taking a bow*

"Well, I'm pleased as punch that this record has sold like gangbusters and won an award. Now, Minnie May talks a lot of shit about pop-ification, but brother I'm just giving the people what they want. Besides, didn't she do that there K-pop or J-pop or Z-pop stuff as Lynn Minmay before she went country? Damn, son."

1st Annual Technical Biathlon Proves to be a Smash Hit

In what sports analysts are hailing as a "coming out moment" for a newer sport, the Chevrolet Technical Team, using a fleet of Hobbiest-spec Silverados, has secured top prize in the 1st Annual Technical Biathlon's Pickup Truck Division. Held on the planet of TimTam IV, located somewhere in New Chicago County, the competition revolves around teams with customized pickup trucks and utility vehicles converted into improvised fighting vehicles, often with a machinegun mount in the rear, attempting to beat each other for the fastest time as well as the most targets taken out. Many competitors participated in this year's run, with both factory teams from the Big FIve (such as Factory 66's customized Hobbiest-spec Ram Enforcer Team) and privateer teams such as Lawbold-Haas.

Besides pickup trucks, there were also categories for both wheeled and hover vehicles, including Armed Coupe Utilities and Heavy Customized Defensive Vehicles--a catchall term describing vehicles such as "narcotanks" and heavily converted SUVs usually used for VIP defenses.

The success of the competition has lead to the announcement from the main sanctioning body of the sport, the National Improvised Combat Vehicle Association, that the contest will run again next year in the same location. Says the head of the NICVA, Joe McGinnis, "We hope that we can attract high quality technical biathlon racers not just from Dornieland, but abroad as well, much as the mechasport guys are doing. Either way, we've had a good run this year and we certainly intend to have a bigger, more exciting run next year."

Martial Arts Teacher Denies "True Identity"

In what is a sure sign of a slow news day, the teacher of Squat-Fu--a highly unorthodox martial art focusing on maintaining squatting positions for long periods of time, engaging in low striking attacks using the hands and feet, building up endurance and balance skills and wearing tracksuits and consuming vodka which has become the latest self-defense and health craze--Yevgeny Nemiroff, has been accused of using a false name to teach students and promote his brand of martial arts.

According to preliminary reports obtained by Big Sister Magazine, Dornieland's own trashy entertainment news outlet, Mr. Nemiroff is allegedly Armand Shaugnessy, a formerly out of work actor from Connecticut whose career took a harsh turn for the worst due to a nasty divorce. Big Sister's reports, obtained from what it calls "anonymous sources and public records," contends that Mr. Shaughnessy changed his name and invented Squat-Fu using a combination of "silly internet memes of questionable taste, stuff cribbed from martial arts such as Combat Hopak, some tracksuits from a local sporting goods store, and what appears to be a love of vodka."

For his part, Mr. Nemiroff's attorney addressed crowds today at Squat-Fu's national headquarters.

*image cuts to a human woman with wolf ears and tail behind a podium, dressed in a business suit with glasses, squatting on a stool*

"Mr. Nemiroff emphatically denies these slanderous rumors put out by a third rate tabloid. He's frankly more than a bit confused as to why someone would accuse him of lying to his students, especially as the allegations against my client do not go against the fact that Mr. Nemiroff has invented Squat-Fu. If Big Sister wants to publish these rumors, they had better provide proof in the open. Nut up or shut up, people. That's the rule."

Thank you for watching the REAL NDBC news--New Dornalian Broadcasting Corporation news--not those jokers at National Dornalian Broadcasting Corporation.

[New Dornalia]

Dornie News Network

Hello, this is Gracie Liang, and welcome to NDBC News. Tonight’s top stories:

Heroic Orderman Saves Bus

In what is being hailed as "an act of quick thinking," Orderman John Hansberry of Konoha County was credited with saving the lives of dozens of persons riding a bus. According to witnesses, the stricken Huntleighville Transit bus carrying sixty people was traveling on a major highway when its repulsorlifts malfunctioned, causing the bus to dip forward aggressively and fly into the air. The bus would have gone off over the side, were it not for Orderman Hansberry.

Says Hansberry, "I saw the bus, and it was flying about and shit. So I pull my truck over, and then remembered those telekinetic techniques they taught us. I grabbed onto that bus with all my might, and kinda did a mime-yanking-a-rope-motion to try and drag the bus over back to the side of the highway. Cops came by, that was it."

The passengers onboard all survived, although the driver was taken to the hospital for possible whiplash. Said one passenger, "That guy saved our lives. I mean, I thought I was gonna die, but then I feel the bus stop, and then something dragging us all back to the side of the road. I turn around, I see this Orderman open the door and ask us if we were alright."

Although Hansberry is being commended for his service, the Orderman remains humble about his achievement.

"I mean, I was just doing what I was taught, I guess. I was surprised I actually pulled it off, since I'm still new at being an Orderman. But I'm just glad those people are alright."

New TV Shows Coming to Dornieland’s Airwaves

OOC: Credit to Malgrave, other peoples for the Adventure High plug below.

IC:

In what is considered to be a sure sign of a slow news day, Big Sister Magazine today reports that two new shows are coming onto Dornalian TV and holoband.

The first involves Nickopolis County Judge Kathleen Hanlon, known as "Ms. Kangaroo Court" due to her aggressive and often stringent punishments handed down in her sessions (as well as her kangaroo ears, tail, and jumping ability/pouch) who has been given a daytime "judge show" named, appropriately enough, "Kangaroo Court." Designed to be syndicated on daytime television, the show like most others of its ilk will arbitrate a wide variety of small claims cases. In a statement released today, Judge Hanlon said simply that "It's been quite an adventure working within the court system, but I think it's time to bring my work to the people." The judge is known for a peppy, fiery style of handling cases which analysts note will likely produce strong ratings. Some criticism has been leveled at Judge Hanlon for this manuever. One anonymous Nickopolis County Superior Court employee said simply, "Judge Hanlon's only doing this because she can't play office politics."

The other show is “Adventure High,” a show actually produced in Malgrave but to be distributed in Dornieland and other nations. The show, a comedy show set in a fictional high school with what the official Dornie press kit calls “satirical overtones,” includes parodic interpretations of individuals such as Empress of Riemaia and head of General Motors Anneli Noyela as a religion teacher, Malgravean PM Rachel Berry as a Student Council President as well as famous personality and salesperson Gracie Kurimitsu as a scrounger type personality. While it is unknown what others have thought of their portrayals, Ms. Kurimitsu herself said regarding her portrayal, “Love it, love the fact an actual Gracie is playing me. Keep that shit coming.” Early reviews indicate it has a quirky, razor sharp wit which is expected to go over well with the viewing public.

Tennenbaum Institute and RAID Jointly Announce Breakthroughs in Improbability Field Manipulation

In a development considered "a step forward in scientific awesomeness," Rohane Alista Industries Dornalia--RAID for short-- announced today, along with representatives from the Tennenbaum Institute--the development of Dornieland's latest innovation in energy technology--the Improbability Field Core. Designed to harness the power of "Improbability waves"--essentially strange interdimensional energies with the capacity to distort reality and also produce immense amounts of power--in a small, efficient package, the Improbability Field Core promises to produce significantly higher rates of energy for longer durations than other comparable technologies such as Fusion Cores and Zero Point Cores.

"We're quite excited by all this," said Dr. Paul Ikeda of the Tennenbaum Institute. "I mean, when RAID approached our people with the idea for the IFC, we thought they were insane. I mean, putting improbability fields into something like a fusion core? As my folks used to say, 'he's a few peas short of a casserole.' I mean, how do you contain the improbability waves in a way which won't have things randomly transform and go crazy? As it turns out though, we were the crazy ones. I mean, we're talking--look, a bank of five of these can provide enough power for a T-3500 tank prototype to last for...well, fuck, our scales broke when we tried to calculate the time."

RAID representative Anita Persky, speaking from RAID HQ in San Diego, had this to say.

"We here at RAID are proud of this new item we've made. I mean, I don't know about you, but having something like this which leaves other methods in the dust is a good thing. I'm not at liberty to say exactly what sort of processes it uses, but I can say there's nothing but pure 100% improbability wave action inside those batteries, which is transformed via an internal mechanism into good ol' fashioned power. And best of all, it only weighs as much as a hamburger from Mr. MooCows."

The new Improbability Field Cores are currently being field tested by the Dornalian military, and have been released onto the open market.

Thank you for watching the REAL NDBC news--New Dornalian Broadcasting Corporation news--not those jokers at National Dornalian Broadcasting Corporation. We now cut to commercial.

*Announcer comes up*

“Tonight!”

*image cuts to a young neko with a maid outfit and a pistol engaged in a rolling battle with a group of gangsters with lasguns*

“She’s come this far.”

*image cuts to the neko shouting at a Miami PD officer in black and white*

“She’s taken things personally.”

*voiceover track continues, with the neko now speaking in a guttural Eastwood-esque tone to the cop*

“Just stay out of my way, Dannie. Menendez and Koraly killed Deanna...and their asses are MINE!”

*image cuts to the maid neko using a mop and broom on a dingy bathroom floor, as she overhears a couple of gangsters inside a bathroom stall as the voiceover continues, with the whole scene colored in black and white*

“And, she’s even cleaned some really dingy floors.”

*image then cuts back to the warehouse gun battle in full color.*

“But now, Amanda's quest to take down one of Miami’s worst criminals….”

*image cuts to the neko with a Bren Ten pistol and a Bonk with a massive revolver aimed at each other’s faces, inside a warehouse full of Allanean cocaine and dead gangsters.*

“...takes a dangerous turn.”

*The Neko speaks first, with a voice almost growling at her opponent that betrays origins from the Miami area.*

“You first, bitch.”

*The Bonk then speaks up, in a Hungarian accent and with a shit eating grin*

“It will not be that way, my friend. You first…”

*Announcer speaks*

“Will Amanda get out in time?”

*Image then cuts to black, then cuts to an image of the maid neko with a bloody mop in one hand and a Bren Ten pistol in the other, looking at the Miami skyline with aviator sunglasses and sockless shoes with a Datsun 240Z behind her, with the logo of the show identifying the show as ”The Cleaner” and the date and time of the show below it*

“Find out tonight, on The Cleaner, tonight at 9pm Dornie Standard Time, on NDBC.”

[New Dornalia]

Dornie News Network

Hello, this is Gracie Liang, and welcome to NDBC News. Tonight’s top stories:

Trial Begins in Alvaria Slaying

In what is being dubbed "The Trial of the Century," Nova Louisianan authorities have begun the trial of Julia Neumann.

*image cuts to a subtitled image of a strange, deathly pale looking bald man looking like a more wizened, even slightly zombified John Malkovich in an unusually stylish Steampunkesque/Goth getup mugging for the camera with fangs and a thumbs up and a wine glass with some sort of red substance inside of it along with similar looking individuals in a dim nightclub. One of them is flipping off the cameraman for using flash to take the picture. Image is also juxtaposed against an image of a young Romanian woman with dog ears and a tail out clubbing.*

The 28 year old woman from Alvaria was recently indicted by a grand jury on the charge of second-degree murder in what has become known as "The Vampire Fight," where Neumann and another individual named Alasdair Fleidermaus were involved in a fight at the Talisman Hotspot nightclub that ended in Fleidermaus's death.

*image cuts to the image of a courtroom sketch done in manga style, with an attractive young human woman with dog ears and tail sitting in an orange prison jumpsuit next to her attorney, flanked by two men in power armor as a prosecutorbold in a purple suit with a cravat speaks to a jury.*

Neumann showed no emotion in court as the proceedings began today, as prosecutors and Neumann's attorney began to outline their case. In particular, the prosecution alleges that Ms. Neumann killed Mr. Fleidermaus as a result of a fight that broke out due to Mr. Fleidermaus's use of a racial slur, calling it "a wholly disproportionate attack." Neumann's attorney meanwhile, is arguing that Ms. Neumann acted in self-defense against what he described as "an attempt to cannibalize Ms. Neumann by an assailant driven to use lethal force as part of a centuries old feud between members of Ms. Neumann's fellow compatriots in the Satu Mare Pack of Romanian forest sisters and tribal elements in the Carpathians alleged to be vampires."

The latter theme continued as Ms. Neumann's attorney, Joanna Epstein, spoke to the press.

*image cuts to woman in a business suit speaking to media*

"Let me be clear. The evidence shows that my client acted in self-defense against an attacker that was determined to use deadly force against my client and her companions, for whatever reason. My client will fight these charges to the utmost. Thank you."

*The same pale looking bunch from earlier in the film approaches the reporters, and shouts in a very Bela Lugosi-esque accent*

"SLANDERER! LIAR! YOU INSULT THE MEMORY OF ALASDAIR FLEIDERMAUS!"

*Neumann's attorney whips out a silver dagger and holds it out as the Shouting Crazy Guy comes closer and bares an ominous looking pair of incisor fangs. The two begin exchanging insults of variously sexual and profane natures. Eventually, police separate the two using lasguns*

We will keep you updated as the trial progresses.

Dornalian Police Raid NORINCO HQ

*image cuts to B-roll footage of men and women lugging out computers and file cabinets using Gravity Guns wearing "Marshals" windbreakers and shoving them onto landspeeders*

In what is being called "a rare move," agents of the Republican Marshals as well as the Civil-Military Oversight Committee's Auditing Department today conducted a raid on the headquarters of NORINCO to serve warrants and subpoenas on documents and corporate officers within. According to the official press release by the Department of Justice, the raid was one of sixteen raids on NORINCO properties in response to "evidence obtained in recent days which gave rise to probable cause to investigate potential wrongdoings at NORINCO and its subsidiaries, including violations of multiple Federal and County Laws regarding matters such as telecommunications security breaches and financial regulations." Although the source of the evidence was not made clear and requests for further information from the DOJ were not returned, analysts indicate that the likely source of the information were multiple emails and internal documents leaked from NORINCO to the public. The source of the leak is unknown, although analysts indicate it was likely done by a sophisticated party with experience in breaking into computer systems.

In an official statement from NORINCO's Legal Department, the megacorporation said simply, "We have been asked to provide documents and testimony to the Dornalian Government regarding alleged improprieties within our company, due to illegally leaked documents which have made it into the public domain. We are cooperating with authorities as needed and continue to maintain our innocence in all matters."

Task Force 57 Engages Pirates

In a development considered "a step forward in honoring our Nassau Accord committments," elements of the joint Navy-ICBA Task Force 57, operating in conjunction with other Nassau members, successfully engaged pirates attempting to raid a Steppingstone outside of Dornalian space. The Task Force, created to formalize Dornalian participation in ongoing Nassau Accord refugee-related activities as part of Operation Kamehameha, conducted a successful defense of a Steppingstone which resulted in the arrests of several pirates and the destruction of several hostile vessels. The achievement is being hailed as "a demonstration of Dornalian commitment to defending refugee traffic," although questions are being raised as to where the Pirates came from, and any possible ties to criminal syndicates.

Thank you for watching the REAL NDBC news--New Dornalian Broadcasting Corporation news--not those jokers at National Dornalian Broadcasting Corporation. We now cut to commercial.

[New Dornalia]

Dornie News Network

Hello, this is Gracie Liang, and welcome to NDBC News. Tonight’s top stories:

MalMart and MalTec Announce Dornalian Expansion Plans

In a development which is being called "a bombshell," MalMart has announced today that it will enter the Dornalian market through the "GoodPrice Supermarkets" brand of department stores/supermarkets. Formed from the acquisition and merger of GoodPrice Supermarkets of Konoha County along with several major local supermarket chains, GoodPrice Supermarkets, Ltd. represents a major expansion for MalMart, a Malgravean state institution, with an estimated 575,000 employees in locations in many parts of the Colonial Republic. A statement from GoodPrice's Huntleighville, Konoha County HQ promises to "remain committed to the Dornie values of awesomeness, value, and quality products for all, even as we prepare to expand and do business under new ownership." At the same time, analysts likely note that GoodPrice Supermarkets, Ltd. will likely follow the policies set forth by its parent company--records indicate that the chain will pay a "living wage" significantly higher than the minimum wage, for example. Analysts have noted that GoodPrice Supermarkets, although comparatively smaller than its competitors, will be able to compete with other Dornalian outfits such as PeopleMart, Nakamura and Sons, and Lemongrass Trading Company as major national department store/supermarket chains.

Additionally, MalTec, a major technologies firm based in Malgrave, has also announced that it will enter the Dornalian market with a division in Long Beach, CA that performs IT consulting work. In a statement from its Long Beach, CA HQ, MalTec said, "We are working to provide Dornie consumers big and small with the most sophisticated protection against viruses and other threats to one's digital security, and we look forward to bringing our expertise and keen computing eye to the people." Additionally, MalTec is reported to be exploring expansion into the consumer electronics market, as well, and analysts are speculating how MalTec will make its entrance.

The expansion follows on the heels of announcements that HT Industries' Eagle Bank and has become one of the first major Dornalian institutions to invest in the Malgravean economy, with the bank cleared to provide finanical services to the Malgravean people. Analysts hail this as a significant development in Dornalian-Malgravean economic relations, and one which likely heralds further financial investment opportunities for Dornalian businesses to come.

NORINCO Affair Continues

The saga of the NORINCO Affair continues today, as Senator John Towers has been appointed the head of a special Senate Subcommittee on Arms Manufacturing Sales. Convened in the wake of the release of the "NORINCO Emails," the Senate Subcommittee has been tasked to undertake hearings regarding NORINCO's activities concerning, among other subjects, the handling of a recent Battlestar sale to the United Kingdom of Malgrave. Although details are sparse, it is known that the Subcommittee is currently subpoenaing everyone from NORINCO personnel to Defense Department employees involved in the selection and procurement of arms, and also possesses the power to recommend that charges be filed by federal authorities.

In the meantime, rumors have circulated regarding the Battlestar previously impounded by NORINCO, especially after its recent disappearance from the New Leningrad Complex. New Leningrad Sheriff's Department authorities and the Republican Marshals are investigating the disappearance of the Battlestar, which was the result of a surprise raid by unknown elements. So far, no evidence which can definitively establish the identity of the attackers has been found, and the investigation is complicated by the presence of multiple, highly pernicious computer viruses infesting the mainframe which have apparently compromised multiple hard drives containing vital evidence. Although there has been no news from the investigation, analysts have noted that judging from descriptions of how the viruses work, the viruses may have been crafted by a highly sophisticated organization.

Additionally, Cooperative Union authorities and the DoD today would only say, regarding recent reports involving a skirmish with a Battlestar and a Mao Zedong-Tirpitz class ship near the world of Hajarra, that "an ongoing training exercise between elements of the Navy and local Hajarran forces is occurring, and does involve live fire exercises."

Thank you for watching the REAL NDBC news--New Dornalian Broadcasting Corporation news--not those jokers at National Dornalian Broadcasting Corporation. We now cut to commercial.

[/quote]

[New Dornalia]

Dornie News Network

Hello, this is Gracie Liang, and welcome to NDBC News. Tonight’s top stories:

Neumann Trial Heats Up

Tempers flared in court today as bailiffs arrested six people today at the courthouse where Julia Neumann is being tried for murdering Alasdair Fleidermaus. The arrests came as a result of an incident wherein members of Neumann's extended family became embroiled in what authorities describe as "an extended brawl involving the destruction of chairs, tables, statuary, a copy of a document regarding Vampiric lore, and multiple smatchets plated in silver" with members of Fleidermaus's family.

*B-roll footage of angry Romanian men and women with wolves' ears and tails attacking strangely pale men and women dressed in unusually snazzy suits howling at the Romanians with unusually long incisors, as Bailiffs in riot armor and riot batons try to seperate them. One of the bailiffs is tossed by one of the pale people across the hallway into a gaggle of people with legal files and so on, who scatter and run off as the riot cops tackle the offending pale guy.*

The fight lasted several minutes, but required the evacuation of the court house, the adjournment of court proceedings and the deployment of riot police from the Alvaria City Police Force to stop the fight. Extra security has been confirmed to be deployed from this point onwards, and it is not clear what started the fight. Representatives of Neumann's immediate family claim the Fleidermaus Family provoked the fight by throwing taunts and then punches at them, while the Fleidermaus Family alleged that the Neumanns "illegally brandished silver daggers and made throat slitting gestures," and then proceeded to attack when the Fleidermauses threatened to inform law enforcement.

Local Magician Stops Meltdown with Kung Fu Grip

In what has surprised utterly no one familiar with her, Susan Von Falkenhausen--the same Bay Area martial arts instructor and prominent Orderman who lead the highly successful and controversial Freikorps von Falkenhausen during the Civil War and later went on to perform such activities as running for Mayor of San Francisco--successfully stopped what observers note "would have been a pretty nasty disaster" using only martial arts moves and lots of shouting.

According to Department of Energy investigators, the event happened at approximately 10:00am Dornie Superior Time at the Vallecitos No. 4 Energy Generation Facility 30 miles outside of San Francisco, and concerned a problem with the dilithium core. Although attempts were made to contain the resulting reaction, disaster was only averted when Susan Von Falkenhausen arrived. We interviewed her afterwards to get her story.

*footage cuts to a tall, amazonian blonde woman wearing crimson red attire, including red leather pants and jacket, with a red t-shirt with the Zeon logo on it. Her hands are wrapped in hand wraps, and that's not because of the burns. She has one red eye and one green eye, and has a LOT of nervous energy. She speaks in a loud, furious German accent*

"So, as you know, I like to fly my personal craft every so often. So I am flying near this facility and I am trying to stay out of their airspace, when all of of a sudden I sense that there is danger, ja? So, I land in the facility, and I get confronted by some guards. Now, the guards try to shoo me out, but then I shove them to the side and make my way to the reactor. Then, I see the reactor, and it is making noises and everyone is panicking, so I tell them, 'Okay, you need to calm down. I am here to solve the problem.' Then, they complain, but then I punch the metal covering the core, and rip it off. And then I go inside, and I use my abilities, and then I keep attacking the core repeatedly until one of the scientists says that it is not having problems anymore. And then, I saved the day."

*Image cuts to a guy in a hard hat also being interviewed, as voiceover guy says, 'We also asked other employees in the area to corroborate her story.'*

"Y-yeah, this crazy lady comes in, and kicks down the door and asks what's up. We point to the reactor, and then she yells and screams at it and begins punching it. I mean, she screams bloody murder, with white hot rage as she rips off panels and kicks and beats the shit out of the thing, before stabbing it with one of the panels. And then, the reactor goes quiet, and all the readouts read as normal. Like, holy fucking shit."

Investigators are still asking Ms. Von Falkenhausen about her action, but it is arguably undeniable that an untold number of lives were saved by her actions. For her part, Ms. Von Falkenhausen had this to say:

*image cuts back to the woman from before*

"Yes, yes. I know that I am under investigation, but if you want my opinion I did the right thing. I mean, why would you question if someone did the right thing? People's lives, okay, they were saved. And that is all I will say on the subject."

"B-"

"THAT IS ALL I WILL SAY. Okay!? No more. You want more lines for TV, you can come back later."

*Blonde lady storms off, kicking over a trashcan.*

NORINCO Scandal Continues, Auction Rumored

And in what is proving to be a continuing ordeal for all involved, members of the Senate Subcommittee on Arms Manufacturing Sales today deflected rumors that a seizure and auction of NORINCO assets is being planned. The rumors, which had sent stocks for the massive megacorporation tumbling further in recent days, alleged that members of the Subcommittee had been consulted or asked to investigate the potential for a leveraged government buyout of the megacorporation's assets, followed by an auction of the assets to the highest bidder. The rumors' source appears to come from a leaked report compiled by the Government Budget Calculations Office, obtained by the Citizens Raging Against Powermongers.

*image cuts to Senator John Towers speaking in public to a gaggle of reporters*

"I don't know who the fuck these clowns from CRAP--they think they're so funny with that acronym, I swear to God--are, but I can tell you that alleged memo they obtained is bullshit and they're making too much out of it. We're in the middle of some very important hearings right now, I'm going in to ask the nice people why they decided to be bad, so you all can just fuck off and direct questions to my secretary. And no, if your feelings are hurt because I said some bad words, too fucking bad."

*Reporters get angry as Towers storms off, gives middle finger*

The heated exchange between reporters and members of the Subcommittee is but one of many such incidents which took place today. At any rate, NORINCO's statement on the matter is simply, "We oppose any government attempts to interfere with the market through the scheme proposed in this document. Doing such an action would be economic suicide and set a dangerous precedent for all Dornalian businessmen. We hope that this action does not actually occur and that the government continues to work with us to address the current allegations."

Thank you for watching the REAL NDBC news--New Dornalian Broadcasting Corporation news--not those jokers at National Dornalian Broadcasting Corporation. We now cut to commercial.

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[New Dornalia]

Dornie News Network

Hello, this is Gracie Liang, and welcome to NDBC News. Tonight’s top stories:

Unexplained Violence Grips Alvaria

In a sudden development which has the Alvaria City Police Department operating on high alert and has required the intervention of the Republican Marshals, a wave of brutal slayings has taken place which has gripped the city on edge involving both Bonks and a group of pale, well-dressed humanoids with canine teeth. The latest such murder took place inside Batov Park, particularly near the Old Shinmei Headquarters. According to anonymous sources, a body was discovered in the complex which was later identified as Jan Fleidermaus, an associate of the Fleidermaus Family whose most famous associate, Alasdair, was killed in a fight with Julia Neumann, who is currently on trial for murder.

*image cuts from b-roll footage of the crime scene to the Chief of Police speaking to the Public. He is most unusual--namely, a tentacle creature in a powered exoskeleton. Think Octodad, but with a T-51 suit. He speaks loudly, and clearly with a blue-collar, US Northeastern accent*

"The body of Mr. Fleidermaus was found last night, and the cause of death was indeed due to stabbing. The culprit hasn't been found quite yet, but frankly folks, I'm as fuckin' tired as you are about these guys killing each other in our town, and it's got to stop."

*cuts back to B-roll footage of policemen in T-51 armor and powered exoskeletons standing guard around various points of the city*

Police presence has been increased in various public venues across the city, and the Republican Marshals' Alvaria Field Office has announced the deployment of multiple agents to try and stop the crisis. Said the Marshals in an official statement, "We have been forced to act due to the fact many of the parties involved seemed to have traveled inter-County to commit these acts. We have had enough."

Officials are remaining quiet about these attacks, only indicating that there are "passions inflamed by the Neumann Trial" which have required a change of venue and an armed guard for Ms. Neumann. In the meantime, analysts are trying to untangle this situation, with many calling it "gang warfare" or even "supernatural gang warfare."

Local Orderman Goes Viral with Bacon-based Heroism

In what has become a viral sensation across the Holonet, Kacey-Lynn Odajima of New Monterrey County is being hailed as a hero tonight after defeating an assailant with a weapon made of bacon.

*cuts to grainy footage of an attractive young woman with green hair twirling around what looks like a long rope made of bacon, the ends of which are weighted with halves of Italian bread as she attacks a masked man with a stolen purse, transformign the weapon from a whip, to a long three-sectioned-staff of bacon. The purse thief tries to block the hits, but is knocked down by the sheer force of being hit in the face with Italian bread. The bacon then becomes a lasso, and is used to hog tie the robber as the cops show up.*

According to Odajima herself and the police report, the young Orderman saw a would be purse thief stealing a woman's purse while she was on the streets of Santiphap. After chasing after her quarry, she was found without weapons. Although she could have taken down the assailant using her close combat skills, as Odajima herself reported--

*image cuts to the same young woman from the video, interviewed by reporters*

"Yeah, I mean, I had done some shopping and I had a few Fool's Gold Loaves, and I realize, oh fuck, I forgot a weapon and my hands are full. Then I get creative, and use my powers to make a whip out of bacon. And you know what? It worked!"

*image cuts to the video again*

The unconventional weapon successfully stunned the assailant long enough for police to arrest him and to return the victim's stolen bag. Police later commended her, and the victim even allowed her to keep $50.00. For her part, Odajima is humble, saying, "Hey, I'm just doing my part for the community. With bacon."

Area Man Attempts to Prove Red Cars Go Faster

And finally tonight, in a wager which has captured the imaginations of Dornalians everywhere, Arcadia-area scientist Dr. Lawrence Shmel has vowed to "prove that red ones really do go faster." A known eccentric and self-styled "Scientific Expert," Dr. Shmel has participated in many strange experiments previously. However, Shmel has proclaimed that "unlike my experiments to weaponize awesomeness to ensure galactic peace, I shall be successful in attempting to prove that Red Cars go faster! Like the Orks say!" It is unknown how he intends to test this theory, although Dr. Shmel was reportedly seen driving a red Corvette at speeds well above the speed limit. For the most part, the mainstream community has reacted with laughter and amusement.

Thank you for watching the REAL NDBC news--New Dornalian Broadcasting Corporation news--not those jokers at National Dornalian Broadcasting Corporation. We now cut to commercial.

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