Weazel News (OPEN TO COMMENTS)

[Liberty and Alderney]

"Confirming your prejudices"

Who are Weazel?

Weazel News (WZN), is an American basic cable and satellite news television program that is owned by the Weazel Television Network subsidiary of Weazel 21st Century. The channel broadcasts primarily from studios at Rockefeller Center in Liberty City. We are the mouthpiece through which simultaneous moral outrage and cultural hedonism gets funneled into the living rooms of people in Liberty and all around the world.

Weazel news and other programs in the Weazel channel are broadcast from Weazel News headquarters in Liberty City (at 1211 Avenue of the Americas), in its streetside studio on Sixth Avenue in the west wing of Rockefeller Center by Starlight Junction, where the bright lights of Capitalism blink 24 hours a day. It also shares its headquarters with sister channel Weazel Business Network.

Other than television, Weazel also broadcasts news both through radio and through the internet. With the growth of WZN, the company introduced a radio division,Weazel News Radio, in 2003. Syndicated throughout the United States, the division provides short newscasts and talk radio programs featuring personalities from the television and radio divisions. Introduced in December 1995, the Weazel News website features the latest coverage (including columns by WZN television, radio and online personalities). Video clips are also available on Weazelnews.com and Weazelbusiness.com.

Reporters

• Alison Maybury, radio reporter
• Bryan Wilkinson, radio reporter
• Callista Brown, radio reporter
• Eric House, radio street reporter
• Eugene White, website writer
• Jenny Acorn, radio street reporter
• Jim Harrison, main radio/TV reporter
• John Chesapeake, website writer
• John Rios, website writer

• Karl Kelly, finance reporter
• Lori Diangelo-Stockton, TV/radio rep
• Leslie Mitchell, website writer
• Malcolm Forthright, news reporter
• Malinda Manchester, news reporter
• Mike Whitley, main radio street reporter
• Rick Simpson, website writer
• Sheila Hall, news reporter
• Trip Michaels, weather reporter

Comments

Now Weazel lets you voice your frustrations and insecurities for the whole world to see. Just Input your username and date of writing, vomit your feelings onto the screen, edit for any grammatical, spelling or syntax mistakes and then submit. Note that the editing part is optional and highly unrecommended unless you've got nothing better to do you lazy, degenerate hippy.

OOC: The only real rule to this is that you only make comments in response to articles, not out of random of to other comments. Also, even though I joked about spammy comments above please don't just make purley spam based comments here. I don't want them clogging up the thread. Also follow standard NS forum rules, but that should go without saying.

Code: Select all

[box][b]Comment by [USERNAME] from [nation][NATION NAME HERE][/nation] [/b][floatright][DATE HERE][/floatright][hr][/hr]"[COMMENT HERE]"[/box]

Comment by Niko_Bellic_Iz_De_Best from Liberty and Alderney

3/5/15

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"Thank god you guys are standing up to the liberal agenda that has ruined this once fine nation. Keep up the good fight, one article at a time. Screw Julio Orchua and his weapon bans, they are just the first step to FASCISM!!!!!"

[Liberty and Alderney]

Toilet cleaner making a comeback on the drug market?
Police and Mafia groups united to fight the new drug craze taking Liberty by storm

Tito Lounge
Ball pit enthusiast

Liberty City, State of Liberty

Bottled here is the greatest
threat to America, behind
terrorism and video games

Toilet cleaner, a liquid so often ignored despite its myriad of uses. Other than its intended use, it can also be used to run cars, can wash away any incriminating evidence at any scene, can act as an excellent substitute for mouthwash and is one of the key ingredients to creating home-made explosives, but even this wonder cleaning agent had a criminal history and it seems that it is going back into the wrong hands.

The decline of the crack epidemic of the 80's led people to a search for a new, inventive way to get high as cheaply as possible, and this being the grunge period people started to experiment with various industrial and home based cleaning products. Those types of products did not prove problematic at first, however they started to reach notoriety when the late superstar Dave Miass was shot to death by a homeowner defending himself in Los Santos before the homeowner was shot by police. When it was found out that he was under the influence of toilet cleaner many liberal degenerates across the nation started taking in as of the substance as they can get their hands on. However, extensive programs run by the police which helped reduce the number of drug affected people through policies like "shoot on sight" and the complete banning of toilet cleaning agents in the state has led to toilet cleaner related crime to decrease to a manageable level alongside an increase in the number of people being treated for E.Coli infections.

Experts however note that toilet cleaner can be expected to make a comeback as foreign gangs announce a two for one deal on all toilet cleaner products caused by a shipping error, leading to a supply boom meaning toilet cleaner is cheaper than ever. A record number of users have been recorded across the city which health officials will warn that it would lead to "no increase in the statistics of violent crime" due to the fact that "other factors pose a greater contribution to Liberty's violent crime", disappointing many journalists across the country hoping to get a story. However, the Surgeon General has pointed out that "they [Weazel and CNT] will come up with lies to sensationalise this event, so I expect a lot of people to get irrationally scared anyways".

This is a graph of cocaine sales in LC. We don't have the
numbers but we assure you that you need to be afraid.

But media organisations are not the only one gravely concerned about the recent surge in popularity of toilet cleaner, many local criminal organisations are also campaigning to get people to curb the use of the new drug from foriegn sources. “I’m not saying that I am involved in any of that kinda stuff…” says Bellomo Liborio, restaurant owner and suspected to have links with several members of mafia groups across Liberty City “…but if I found out my market for cocaine have been cut off, I’ll be pissed too. This is bad for the honest businesses that deal with that kind of merchandise, and considering that it makes up a huge chunk of our economy this is real bad news. We need to get people to kick this habit, for the economy!”. Various criminal groups in Liberty City had come together and urged their members to sign a petition to get law enforcement to crack down on toilet cleaning users, with signatures coming from members of “The Commission” collection of Italian mafias, the North Holland Projects Hustlers, Mexican drug cartels, the McReary Irish mob, the Chinese and Korean triads, various American motorcycle gangs like the Lost and the Angels of Death and members of the Russio-Albanian Mafiya.

Of course noted communist democrat mayor Julio Ochua doesn't do anything noteworthy to combat this trend. Instead of giving more funding to the LCPD so they can dispatch criminals with M60s and M4s like a responsible mayor Ochua is proposing the creation of rehabilitation clinics across the city, wasting away the hard earned tax payer money the government should have no claim to. So the question Americans will be asking would be "When will Ochua take a real stand against this manufactured outrage great menace to Liberty City so Weazel can stop harping on about it?"

Tito Lounge is a reporter for WeazelNews.com. Follow him on Bleeter at @titolounge

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[Liberty and Alderney]

City in jubilation after surviving a whole day without major violent event
People celebrate being able to go outside in reasonable comfort knowing they won't be shot today.

John J. Johnson
Professional Chuck Norris impersonator

Middle Park Algonquin, Liberty City
Music filled every street in the city as streamers flew across the air with American flags waving triumphantly through them today, all done by the city residents to celebrate an entire twenty four hours having passed since the last time a major shootout occurred. “What you heard is true everyone! We have managed to go one whole day without killing our fellow Libertines in a senseless gang based shootout!” said Liberty City's council secretary Jane Wanda. “Yes, some people were shot today, but only in insignificant isolated incidents. Perhaps this marks the beginning of a new age for Liberty, an age where gun violence will stop taking the headlines of our newspapers!” At press time, local authorities had issued a reminder to all Americans that a lot can happen in 24 hours, “so let’s not get too excited yet.”

UPDATE: LCPD officials have reportedly just informed the once celebrating Libertines that gang based shootout did in fact recently occurred in the Grand Easton Station building between the North Holland Hustlers and members of the Chinese Triads, and that citizens should stop any celebration plans they had. “Darn,” Liberty City council's secretary Dane Wanda said as she opened up a text message from her iFruit phone. “Guys guys, stop everything. Put down that cannon! Another firefight is happening, I guess peace is too good for this city. This means that unfortunately this party is over, Sorry.” Napolitano then urged the visibly saddened Libertines to be careful, get back home as soon as possible and to avoid going near the site of the shootings.

John J. Johnson is a reporter for WeazelNews.com. Follow him on Bleeter at @jajajohnkadonks

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[Liberty and Alderney]

Man on a piano leads LCPD on a wild chase while playing Symphony No. 9

Witnesses say the suspect had been playing off-key the whole time

Gessika Aireen
Obsessive fan of Princess Robot Bubblegum

Westdyke, Alderney

Suspect spotted in Chinatown evading police

In possibly the most bizzare incident to rock Liberty City in the most recent months, a man had lead the police on a high speed chase all across Liberty City and Alderney state on a drivable piano playing Beethoven' Synphony No.9. The suspect had managed to escape police arrest by driving into the ocean from Westdyke mansion, where it was somehow also able to float and evade the pursuing police helicopters and boats.

The chase was reported to have started in the old industrial complex of Bohan where a police crusier spotted the piano hurling down the streets of the city at over 100 miles per hour. As the officers who spotted him tried to get the suspect to pull over they were fired at by the perpertrator wielding a firearm, starting what would be the most outlandish spectacle of multiple police interceptors, mavericks and NOOSE APCs chasing a man on a drivable piano through the Broker-Dukes Expressway, Union drive, Star Junction and other major and heavily populated streets of the city. The police response continued to escalate as the man was somehow able to flee the authorities purusing him for three hours before he made his escape off Westdyke.

A pedestrian has been hit by the crazed piano rider

The man on the piano is believed to be Luis Fernando Lopez, a Liberty City resident of Dominican descent who is beleived to have ties with criminal underworld of the city. Luis' LCPD Database record shows us that he has been formerly charged of assualt and grand theft auto and is believed to be responsible for additional counts of dangerous driving and double homicide. The police has advised anyone who has seen this incident unfold or the suspect to not approach him, instead to contact the LCPD and report information you have related to the incident or will help lead to the capture of the suspect.

Gessika Aireen is a reporter for WeazelNews.com. Follow her on Bleeter at @holyshitmynamesucks

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[Liberty and Alderney]

Radio host rampages in hotel in a drunken frenzy
Police blame this paper thin ego on the incident

The remenants of the room Laslow had rented on the night of the incident.

Pest Overlord
Presidential candidate and resident crazy guy

Algonquin, Liberty City

Known commonly as "that annoying radio bum" by his adoring fans in Liberty City, Lazlow Jones has recently found himself in trouble with the law and the owners of the Libertine Hotel after he went on a rage induced rampage in the hotels most expensive rooms along with assaulting hotel staff and police officers who tried to stop him. The damage done to the hotel is estimated to cost him over fifteen thousand dollars, about half his yearly salary which along with lawsuits he would have to settle with the hotel and staff would mean Laslow has once again found himself yet again in immense financial trouble.

The location of the incident, the Libertine Hotel, is no stranger to celebrity breakdowns of this scale. The hotel is infamous for being the corner of Las Venturas of Liberty City where the wealthy and famous are able to wallow in their debauchery, sometimes destructively. However unlike Venturas what happens in the hotel doesn't stay in the hotel but becomes headline news, so we at Weazel would like to congratulate the Libertine Hotel for their steady stream of stories for us to cover.

The cause for the incident remains to be speculated, but witnesses at the scene say that the straw that broke the camels back for Laslow was hateful internet comments he received on the social media website Punch. His Punch wall shows comments from around the globe called him "unimportant" and "hated for a reason", which witnesses at the scene says was the reason he embarked on the rampage on the hotel. Currently Laslow is in police custody and will be questioned over the incident soon.

Tito Lounge is a reporter for WeazelNews.com. Follow him on Bleeter at @titolounge

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[size=175]Watch now

• Man in Vice City fistfights shark on land, loses both his arms
• 10 random things that won't blow your mind
• How to build a home that is zombie proof without alerting the authorities
• 5 of the most clickbaity titles in existence
• Why America's poor should get a job
• Proof that President Lawton is a communist, you won’t believe it!

More from Weazel

• Will Racial slurs help us fight the War on Terror?
• "Fuck off to Burger Shot then!" says Cluckin' Bell CEO to customers suing the company for poisoning.
• Children's toy converting people into following the gay agenda.
• A bottle of wine a day is good says liquor marketing department.
• Moviegoers burn down cinema after watching terrible movie, all received refunds.