For those who can't quite remember what this is all about, the Game Mod Olympics is a traditional celebration of feats of modly strength, speed, and bloody-mindedness.
At the XVI Olympics, Kryozerkia won the most gold medals (7), with golds also won by Katganistan, Sedgistan, Reploid Productions, and Mousebumples. But with Kryo retiring from active competition shortly after that event, is she in any condition to defend her crowd here today? Medical experts say: Absolutely not. According to media observers, though, "Putting a long-retired mod through a series of grueling physical challenges for the entertainment of the masses is base cruelty of the worst kind." And it's hard to disagree! Nevertheless, as the Opening Ceremony gets underway, the people get what the people want!
And here comes Kryo! She's being wheeled in on some kind of gurney! Her feathers are a little ruffled and there's a look in her eye that suggests some kind of sedative might have been deployed shortly before throwing her in the back of a black van, but the important thing is that she's here! She's even waving to the crowd! That's the spirit! "Please help me," she caws, and I think we can assume the rest of that sentence is: "win more gold medals!"
Next it's Frisbeeteria! Long admired for his willingness to exploit banned chemical treatments to enhance his performance, Fris has spoken publicly about his desire to atone for the last Olympics, during which his body broke down into its component fluids. But wait -- a small child has run out from the crowd to greet him! Fris stops, bends down, and hurls the child back into the stands! Yes, this time Fris has definitely come to play!
The smell of the grave permeates the stadium, and that can only mean one thing: Reploid Productions is back! Last Olympics, her advanced age and visible decomposition prevented her from performing at her best. This time, though, she appears to be encased in some kind of metal exoskeleton! What lies inside that suit of armor, it's probably best not to think about. But what a thrill to see her moving about again in a way that isn't dependent upon the dark arts of necromancy!
Katganistan, mod-watchers may remember, last competed as a theoretical construct. This time she's gone back to her roots: A small, adorably fuzzy kitten has entered the arena! What a crowd-pleaser! The crowd oohs and ahhs while officials scramble to determine whether this is, in fact, Katganistan, or an unrelated small animal that wandered into the arena. Typical Kat: Always keeping us guessing!
One of the hottest new challengers this year is Kyrusia, who will be competing for the first time in the form of a goat. I mean, it's his first time competing, and he's a goat. That's what I'm trying to say. And look at him springing around the arena! He's ready to go! Oh! He's delivered a quick head-butt to the metallic underside of Reploid Productions and she's turned and swiped at him with a thirty-foot sword that she pulled from nowhere! This is already shaping up to be a great Olympics!
And Farnhamia has arrived! You might have missed it because Farn slipped quietly into the arena when no-one was looking and has already marched halfway around, carrying a flag of absolute neutrality. It's not the flashiest style, but it gets results!
Back again is Luna Amore, although we will have to wait for moonrise until he becomes visible. And if you were wondering why there's a deep channel of water cut through the stadium, here comes USS Monitor! She's chugging into the arena at full steam! In fact, there's so much steam, we can't really see her, or anything at all! But let's assume she's out there in all her mid-19th Century glory!
More mods pour into the arena, choking and fanning at the steam. There's Sedgistan, who has retired and come back so many times, there can be no doubt that he does it strictly for the magazine articles. Two more old-timers in NERVUN and Crazy Girl, both of whom were real athletes back in the day, but that day was so long ago, they can't remember when it was. New challengers Ransium, Lamoni, Starblaydia, and Neutraligon! Plus occasional superstar Mallorea & Riva! And even the trusty Old Tyrannia! And... what's this? Yes, it's Mousebumples! She's back and even more adorable than ever!
As is custom, the Olympics begins with heavyweight events: Help Requests. These test Game Mods' ability to be cool and capable under pressure, by lining them up at one end of the area and pounding them with machine gun fire. The winner is the mod who catches the most bullets without dying.
--- Help Requests Processed ---
36,754: Frisbeeteria
20,009: Reploid Productions
16,754: Katganistan
11,073: Kyrusia
4,677 : Luna Amore
3,045 : USS Monitor
2,524 : Lamoni
2,311 : Ransium
2,162 : Sedgistan
1,842 : NERVUN
1,661 : Old Tyrannia
1,590 : Kryozerkia
1,241 : Mallorea and Riva
705 : Crazy girl
490 : Audioslavia
328 : [violet]
289 : Mousebumples
151 : Farnhamia
--- Help Requests Resolved ---
19,113: Frisbeeteria
10,266: Katganistan
5,898 : Reploid Productions
4,923 : Kyrusia
1,607 : Luna Amore
1,116 : Kryozerkia
919 : Ransium
891 : USS Monitor
884 : Lamoni
879 : Sedgistan
802 : NERVUN
387 : Old Tyrannia
367 : Mallorea and Riva
235 : Audioslavia
190 : Crazy girl
174 : Mousebumples
149 : [violet]
Whoa! That's a lot of bullets! Frisbeeteria springs around the arena with undoubtedly chemical-assisted reactions, snapping bullets out of the air with his teeth! That's actually pretty frightening to watch! And look at the two other Seniors in Reploid Productions and Katganistan picking up the extras! What a great start!
Frisbeeteria: 2 gold
Reploid Productions: 1 silver, 1 bronze
Katganistan: 1 silver, 1 bronze
A terrific performance by the newcomer, Kyrusia, too, who finishes just outside the medals, but springs around on his goat-legs in a way that can't help but make you think, "Hey! I'm catching an awful lot of bullets here!"
For a change of pace, next we have the World Assembly events. For these, mods are required to memorize volumes of complex legislation, then fight each other with the books.
--- WA Proposals Removed ---
309 : Kryozerkia
276 : Frisbeeteria
230 : Crazy girl
84 : Sedgistan
24 : Reploid Productions
18 : Mousebumples
12 : NERVUN
--- WA Cheat Checks ---
6,741 : Mousebumples
6,295 : Reploid Productions
5,852 : Frisbeeteria
828 : Katganistan
546 : Kryozerkia
513 : Kyrusia
473 : Ransium
236 : Sedgistan
--- WA Ejections ---
3,319 : Frisbeeteria
1,844 : Reploid Productions
1,573 : Mousebumples
642 : Ransium
295 : Kryozerkia
230 : Sedgistan
131 : Katganistan
--- WA Warnings Issued ---
4,630 : Frisbeeteria
4,020 : Mousebumples
1,661 : Reploid Productions
504 : Ransium
422 : Kryozerkia
175 : Katganistan
Kryozerkia takes an early lead, just before the event is banned forever in an administrative move the experts are already calling, "Kind of unnecessary." Mousebumples also scampers across the pages for a gold medal, and then, in the more violent phase of the competition, Frisbeeteria delivers knock-out blows. He's looking very strong here! And not just in that gym way! He's got real muscle!
Frisbeeteria: 4 gold, 1 silver, 1 bronze
Mousebumples: 1 gold, 1 silver, 1 bronze
Kryozerkia: 1 gold
Reploid Productions: 3 silver, 2 bronze
Katganistan: 1 silver, 1 bronze
Crazy Girl: 1 bronze
On to the regional events! Here, Game Mods are required to travel around the world, meeting a series of challenges, and uploading exciting video clips of their adventures. The winner is the mod with the most merchandise sales.
--- Regions Peeked At ---
4,417 : Frisbeeteria
4,037 : Reploid Productions
2,374 : Katganistan
2,016 : Kyrusia
1,128 : Mallorea and Riva
627 : Luna Amore
346 : Farnhamia
214 : Ransium
154 : USS Monitor
120 : [violet]
120 : NERVUN
108 : Sedgistan
106 : Lamoni
105 : Kryozerkia
--- VoM RMB Posts ---
1404 : Frisbeeteria
933 : Reploid Productions
628 : Katganistan
425 : Kyrusia
--- School Class Registrations ---
260 : Frisbeeteria
32 : Katganistan
14 : Kryozerkia
13 : Old Tyrannia
11 : USS Monitor
Who would have thought Fris dolls would fly off the shelves? Not me. I find it kind of inexplicable. Perhaps it's true what they say: Dolls are more popular when you fill them with drugs and use them for international smuggling. But all that matters is the bottom line: Fris has picked up three more golds!
Frisbeeteria: 7 gold, 1 silver, 1 bronze
Mousebumples: 1 gold, 1 silver, 1 bronze
Kryozerkia: 1 gold, 1 bronze
Reploid Productions: 5 silver, 2 bronze
Katganistan: 2 silver, 3 bronze
Crazy Girl: 1 bronze
Curiously, Reploid Productions seemed to deliberately avoid taking first place there. And she's fitting her silver medals into slots on her exoskeleton. I don't want to suggest that she's deliberately collecting silver in order to upgrade her combat suit. But that's exactly what it looks like.
Two more 4ths for Kyru here, which really is a tribute to his across-the-board performance, and the cruelty of arbitrary ranking systems.
On to the defensive events! Here mods must build sand-castles and prevent them being overrun by toads. The toads are fired out of cannons.
--- Warnings Issued ---
20,066: Frisbeeteria
11,543: Reploid Productions
6,300 : Katganistan
5,327 : Farnhamia
4,584 : Mousebumples
4,010 : Kyrusia
1,804 : USS Monitor
1,539 : Ransium
1,396 : Kryozerkia
1,310 : Luna Amore
1,028 : Sedgistan
670 : Lamoni
629 : Old Tyrannia
540 : Crazy girl
536 : NERVUN
382 : Mallorea and Riva
268 : Audioslavia
221 : The Blaatschapen
168 : Euroslavia
164 : Tsaraine
103 : The Archregimancy
--- Watchlist Modifications ---
7,018 : Frisbeeteria
4,945 : Reploid Productions
2,308 : Kyrusia
1,644 : Sedgistan
1,363 : Katganistan
525 : USS Monitor
388 : Lamoni
360 : Ransium
149 : Mallorea and Riva
148 : Old Tyrannia
Wow! No-one can deflect a flying toad like Fris! And Reppy is definitely collecting silver! Her exoskeleton has actually begun to glow ominously! I don't know happens when she fits the last part, but I hope it's not explosive!
Frisbeeteria: 9 gold, 1 silver, 1 bronze
Mousebumples: 1 gold, 1 silver, 1 bronze
Kryozerkia: 1 gold, 1 bronze
Reploid Productions: 7 silver, 2 bronze
Katganistan: 2 silver, 4 bronze
Crazy Girl: 1 bronze
Kyrusia: 1 bronze
Now for a change of pace: the offensive events. As in attacking, that is. Although either way works. For this event, mods are handed the toad-firing cannons and we see how quickly they can empty the stadium. Don't be fooled by all the running and screaming in the crowd! They love it!
--- Nations Deleted ---
17,944: Frisbeeteria
12,572: Reploid Productions
7,465 : Katganistan
5,678 : Kyrusia
3,862 : Farnhamia
2,330 : Mallorea and Riva
2,169 : USS Monitor
1,830 : Luna Amore
922 : Sedgistan
719 : Lamoni
630 : Kryozerkia
622 : Ransium
585 : Crazy girl
542 : Old Tyrannia
402 : Mousebumples
318 : NERVUN
203 : Eluvatar
198 : The Blaatschapen
170 : Audioslavia
134 : Tsaraine
131 : Euroslavia
115 : Neutraligon
--- Nation Edits ---
18,717: Frisbeeteria
10,088: Farnhamia
7,145 : Reploid Productions
2,010 : Katganistan
1,593 : Kyrusia
1,538 : USS Monitor
693 : Mousebumples
596 : Old Tyrannia
554 : Kryozerkia
532 : Luna Amore
203 : Audioslavia
181 : Tsaraine
176 : Crazy girl
170 : NERVUN
142 : [violet]
137 : Sedgistan
125 : Euroslavia
123 : Lamoni
114 : The Blaatschapen
--- Nation Flag Deletions ---
1,779 : Farnhamia
1,494 : Reploid Productions
652 : Frisbeeteria
580 : Kyrusia
511 : Katganistan
341 : USS Monitor
195 : Luna Amore
More domination by Fris, who's now actually closing in on the all-time record of
Frisbeeteria: 11 gold, 1 silver, 1 bronze
Mousebumples: 1 gold, 1 silver, 1 bronze
Kryozerkia: 1 gold, 1 bronze
Reploid Productions: 8 silver, 3 bronze
Katganistan: 2 silver, 5 bronze
Farhamia: 1 silver
Crazy Girl: 1 bronze
Kyrusia: 1 bronze
Only one event left: The one where mods do all the same events again, simultaneously! It's the jewel in the crown of the Game Mod Olympics, popularly described as "unwatchable," "self-indulgent," and "a confusing mess, even by the standards of this event."
--- All Moderator Actions ---
310,314: Frisbeeteria
225,028: Reploid Productions
102,323: Kyrusia
100,564: Katganistan
48,021: Farnhamia
33,712: Mousebumples
25,552: Luna Amore
23,504: USS Monitor
22,479: Sedgistan
21,493: Ransium
13,908: Kryozerkia
12,439: Lamoni
12,158: Mallorea and Riva
9,449 : Old Tyrannia
8,135 : NERVUN
6,449 : Crazy girl
4,895 : Audioslavia
3,127 : Eluvatar
2,769 : [violet]
2,253 : Neutraligon
1,451 : The Blaatschapen
1,428 : Tsaraine
1,231 : Euroslavia
747 : The Archregimancy
561 : Cogitation
352 : Ballotonia
204 : Starblaydia
Fris takes the gold with an incredible 310k mod actions! The crowd goes wild, or would, if anyone was left in the stands after the toad-attack event! Fris is surrounded by his fellow athletes, accepting their congratulations. And Reploid Productions is graciously deferring fitting her last silver medal into her exoskeleton, mumbling something about waiting for the right moment to invoke the hell-singularity.
Here are our final standings!
Frisbeeteria: 12 gold, 1 silver, 1 bronze
Mousebumples: 1 gold, 1 silver, 1 bronze
Kryozerkia: 1 gold, 1 bronze
Reploid Productions: 9 silver, 3 bronze
Katganistan: 2 silver, 5 bronze
Farhamia: 1 silver
Kyrusia: 2 bronze
Crazy Girl: 1 bronze
What an event! That's a grand total of 994,861 moderator actions. Wow. I actually probably should have waited for 1 million. It have been in like a week. Huh. Anyway: ALMOST ONE MILLION GAME MOD ACTIONS. That's amazing.
Congratulations to all our competitors, who don't just turn up for the glory here, but grind away day after day, swatting away toads! It's not fun but they keep doing it.
Please join me in thanking a mod today!