Awesome/Funny NS quotes (not your own quotes, please)

[Shofercia]

Those old quotes, they can haunt you

Be assured, I am not haunted by that. After all, I wasn't a Mod then.

I was just messing around with ya Farn

[Farnhamia]

Be assured, I am not haunted by that. After all, I wasn't a Mod then.

I was just messing around with ya Farn

You need practice.

[Natair]

"Waiting for School Bus While Black"
"Dayumit Jamarcus! I told you we shoulda been white today! But noooooooooooooo, we just had to hit up the shawties!"

Impressive.

[Anollasia]

Right, I'm allowing myself this liberty just the once:

It's my birthday, pay attention to me.

*hands you "Attention bills", like dollar bills, but attention*

[Reploid Productions]

I QUIT IF THIS FUCKING LIBERAL DOUCHE COMMUNIST PIECE OF SHIT BOARD DOES NOT RECOGNIZE MY RIGHT TO THE FREEDOM OF SPEECH!

I WILL REPORT THIS WEBSITE TO OBAMA PERSONALLY!

This. This is just precious. "Hi, I'm an angry Nazi. I am gonna report you people to the black guy because free speech waaaah!" Many lulz where had in the mod clubhouse.

[Ostroeuropa]

I QUIT IF THIS FUCKING LIBERAL DOUCHE COMMUNIST PIECE OF SHIT BOARD DOES NOT RECOGNIZE MY RIGHT TO THE FREEDOM OF SPEECH!

I WILL REPORT THIS WEBSITE TO OBAMA PERSONALLY!

This. This is just precious. "Hi, I'm an angry Nazi. I am gonna report you people to the black guy because free speech waaaah!" Many lulz where had in the mod clubhouse.

Oh wow. It's beautiful.

[DesAnges]

This. This is just precious. "Hi, I'm an angry Nazi. I am gonna report you people to the black guy because free speech waaaah!" Many lulz where had in the mod clubhouse.

Oh wow. It's beautiful.

It's a private game and messageboard, founded by an Australian and (I assume) hosted in Oz as well.

Why do people keep thinking there is free speech?

[The Emerald Dawn]

Oh wow. It's beautiful.

It's a private game and messageboard, founded by an Australian and (I assume) hosted in Oz as well.

Why do people keep thinking there is free speech?

[Ayreonia]

I QUIT IF THIS FUCKING LIBERAL DOUCHE COMMUNIST PIECE OF SHIT BOARD DOES NOT RECOGNIZE MY RIGHT TO THE FREEDOM OF SPEECH!

I WILL REPORT THIS WEBSITE TO OBAMA PERSONALLY!

This. This is just precious. "Hi, I'm an angry Nazi. I am gonna report you people to the black guy because free speech waaaah!" Many lulz where had in the mod clubhouse.

I like this more from said (ex-)player:

Also needs help learning to RP.

no i don't i am pro RP

After posting this.

[Crying Monkey]

This one just made me giggle.

"A car carrying a Communist a Capitalist and a Fascist breaks down, the Communist implores for the three to unite and push the car forward, though it may take significant time and misery. The Capitalist declares that the three should hire a taxi, though it will be costly and the taxi only has room for two. The Fascist gets in the car, sounds the horn and pretends the car is still moving."

-A Mack Saying.

[Natair]

This one just made me giggle.

"A car carrying a Communist a Capitalist and a Fascist breaks down, the Communist implores for the three to unite and push the car forward, though it may take significant time and misery. The Capitalist declares that the three should hire a taxi, though it will be costly and the taxi only has room for two. The Fascist gets in the car, sounds the horn and pretends the car is still moving."

-A Mack Saying.

That made my day.

[DesAnges]

It's a private game and messageboard, founded by an Australian and (I assume) hosted in Oz as well.

Why do people keep thinking there is free speech?

John Wayne?

"We're gonna collectivize the means of production, pilgrim."

Happy now?

[Aperonia]

I QUIT IF THIS FUCKING LIBERAL DOUCHE COMMUNIST PIECE OF SHIT BOARD DOES NOT RECOGNIZE MY RIGHT TO THE FREEDOM OF SPEECH!

I WILL REPORT THIS WEBSITE TO OBAMA PERSONALLY!

This. This is just precious. "Hi, I'm an angry Nazi. I am gonna report you people to the black guy because free speech waaaah!" Many lulz where had in the mod clubhouse.

[The Blaatschapen]

Be assured, I am not haunted by that. After all, I wasn't a Mod then.

I was just messing around with ya Farn

If you want to haunt us with pre-mod stuff, there is viewtopic.php?p=9990725#p9990725 for me

[Bezombia]

I was just messing around with ya Farn

If you want to haunt us with pre-mod stuff, there is viewtopic.php?p=9990725#p9990725 for me

I'm going to put that in my signature

[Shofercia]

I was just messing around with ya Farn

If you want to haunt us with pre-mod stuff, there is viewtopic.php?p=9990725#p9990725 for me

Thank you Blaat

[The Scientific States]

That's nice, I like him.

"In the land of D.C. in the Senate of Snooze

Lived the showboatiest blab whose name was Ted Cruz

Ted talked about healthcare, compared it to Nazis

As comparisons go, he was off by a lotsie

Healthcare, he said, would end this great nation

A point made after hours of mouth masturbation

Repeal it! Defund it! Erase it! Deny it!

Murder it! Skullfuck it! Bread and deep fry it!

Cruz claimed freedom and liberty, but it was all a big show

Because he could have spent all that time making sure the law didn't blow"

[Aeken]

Indeed, and Belgium already has had an openly gay Prime Minister since 2011.

Benelux is now Bisexual.

[Vaxon]

Another one that killed me...

I have a confession to make.

I have a thing for women wearing hats.

Not the extravagant hats we see in past. Just modern day hats.

I am going to regret posting this...

[Nervium]

Luveria lists them all;

A thread about Luxembourg having a gay PM degenerates into the usual attempts at masking an irrational hatred of people who aren't straight.

"I hate gays because they are icky but I can't admit it so I'll blame gays for AIDS. While I'm at it I will say gays should be denied marriage rights because they aren't having kids, but I have no problem with infertile couples getting married, and I have no problem with straight married couples who never want to have kids.

Also, I'm adamantly opposed to gay couples adopting children because if everyone turns gay then humanity will go extinct. And lets not forget how marriage legality is a very slippery slope. Today it's gays getting married, tomorrow it's people marrying their pets. What any this has to do with Luxembourg's gay PM, you ask? It's simple. Gay people need to be barred from holding public office. Next thing you know we'll be letting pedophiles hold public office!"

I have seen it it all before.

[Damanucus]

Luveria lists them all;

A thread about Luxembourg having a gay PM degenerates into the usual attempts at masking an irrational hatred of people who aren't straight.

"I hate gays because they are icky but I can't admit it so I'll blame gays for AIDS. While I'm at it I will say gays should be denied marriage rights because they aren't having kids, but I have no problem with infertile couples getting married, and I have no problem with straight married couples who never want to have kids.

Also, I'm adamantly opposed to gay couples adopting children because if everyone turns gay then humanity will go extinct. And lets not forget how marriage legality is a very slippery slope. Today it's gays getting married, tomorrow it's people marrying their pets. What any this has to do with Luxembourg's gay PM, you ask? It's simple. Gay people need to be barred from holding public office. Next thing you know we'll be letting pedophiles hold public office!"

I have seen it it all before.

I award Luveria with the Ultimate Badge of Beatdown, for calling them out for what they are. I now award you with your black belt and ha...

Hang on, no, that's Reppy's.

[Shofercia]

Luveria lists them all;

A thread about Luxembourg having a gay PM degenerates into the usual attempts at masking an irrational hatred of people who aren't straight.

"I hate gays because they are icky but I can't admit it so I'll blame gays for AIDS. While I'm at it I will say gays should be denied marriage rights because they aren't having kids, but I have no problem with infertile couples getting married, and I have no problem with straight married couples who never want to have kids.

Also, I'm adamantly opposed to gay couples adopting children because if everyone turns gay then humanity will go extinct. And lets not forget how marriage legality is a very slippery slope. Today it's gays getting married, tomorrow it's people marrying their pets. What any this has to do with Luxembourg's gay PM, you ask? It's simple. Gay people need to be barred from holding public office. Next thing you know we'll be letting pedophiles hold public office!"

I have seen it it all before.

That's a post that's both, awesome and funny.

[Saveyou Island]

To be fair, I won't be such a bitch about being near knifes anymore with a nice nano carbon metal arm sorta thing.

Good. If you keep talking about it, I'm going rip that arm right off. Back on topic, please.

[Risottia]

Water: A lot of it

The first problem demonstrated by this account is water, or rather, the sheer quantity of it. The account explains how "all the high mountains under the heavens were covered", which, of course, implies that the water level was higher than Mount Everest, the Earth's highest mountain. Taking into account that the surface area of the Earth is 510 million kilometres, and acknowledging that the height of Mount Everest is 8.848km , we can perform as basic volume calculation, revealing that the total volume of water required to flood the Earth to such an extent is 4,512,480,000 cubic kilometres of water. In comparison, the present volume of water on the Earth (i.e in oceans, lakes etc) is 1,338,000,000 cubic kilometres, meaning that approximately 3.4 times the Earth's current water volume came out of absolutely nowhere. That's right, nowhere.

That's not all of it as well. The account details that the flooding process occurred for "forty days", meaning that approximately 112,812,000 cubic kilometres fell per day, 4,700,500 per hour, 78,342 per minute and 1306 per second. At any one time, the Earth's atmosphere holds approximately 12,900 cubic kilometres of water, which means that during the flood, approximately six times the Earth's atmosphere's water volume was falling every minute.

Of course, there's also the problem of where 4.5 billion cubic kilometres of water actually went. The floodwaters began to fall on the 17th day of אייר or "Iyyar", a 29 day month, and had fully receded by the 27th of that month one year afterwards. This puts the duration of the flood at 394 days, allowing us to calculate that it took 204 days for the waters to fully recede. This means that at a rate of 22,120,000 cubic kilometres per day, this water was evaporating into the atmosphere. However, the Bible offers no explanation where this water 34,980 times the average volume of water in the atmosphere actually went. Did it dissipate into space? Improbable, considering that the occasional water molecule only ever leaves the atmosphere to space by being broken into its respective hydrogen and oxygen atoms by ultraviolet radiation; a process almost completely stopped by the Earth's protective ozone layer. The atmosphere would no doubt be unable to cope with that volume of water, condensing and thus creating even more precipitation in an endless cycle.

Essentially, unless we disregard the fact that the atmosphere can't physically contain that volume of water without it falling as rain, the water vapour present would render the air unbreathable, as well as cause global temperatures to plummet by reflecting the sun's rays.

In order to understand this clearly, you must understand another crucial fact: God just so happens to be an epic cross-classed spellcaster of an incredible level and who also happens to have an equally astonishing number of spell-storing rings and feats designed to maximize His spell count per day. He opened several interplanar gates to the elemental plane of water, which you will no doubt correctly assume to have an unlimited supply of water. This is how He managed to produce a seemingly impossible amount of water with which to flood the Earth.

Getting to your question about the flow rate, that's simply a matter of opening a sufficient number of interplanar gates (each individual one constituting a hoop ranging from 5-20 feet in diameter). Arranging the gates in such a fashion as water flowing out into the material plane from any given gate does not return to the elemental plane of water by flowing into a different gate would be a trivial matter, and so the necessary flow rate is indeed reachable. Opening a single gate is a standard action (taking roughly 1 second), and since there are 86,400 seconds in a day there was more than sufficient time to open the necessary number of gates.

Now, you may ask just how it is that God managed to establish gates all around the world in a timely fashion. A fair question, and easily answered. God had several pairs of boots of teleportation prepared and set out at pre-planned positions, changing their design to sandals in order to maximize the rate at which any given pair could be donned or removed. In this way God managed to travel from one location on the planet to another in a much more timely fashion than either overland flight could ever hope to provide. However, just to cover His bases and ensure that his movements would be rapid and free enough, God cast a combination of haste, expeditious retreat, and air walk on Himself whenever necessary.

Another question you may ask is how God managed to create rainstorms lasting the described duration. A simple cast of control weather is capable of accomplishing such a feat. The torrential rain option would become justifiably globally accessible as flooding continued, though it would initially be accessible only in locales which were in the midst of summer as per the limitations of the spell.

The final point you've raised, which is the question of where the water went after the flooding had finally ended, is answered again with interdimensional gates. This time, however, the gates led to a different plane of existence: the infinite layers of the abyss. As the abyss features an infinite amount of space the introduction of such a large quantity of water would have a minimal effect upon the plane as a whole, instead only leading to localized disarray. And considering the abyss is a wretched nest of evil beings, God took no issue with this notion. Angels were posted at each gate to ensure that the denizens of the abyss did not escape their prison.

The Ark

Noah was instructed to construct his "Ark" based on an archaic unit of measurement known as the cubit. There are several variants of the cubit, the Biblical one being the "Near Eastern Cubit", which is approximately 18 inches (around 0.45 metres). The Bible states that the Ark was "three hundred cubits long, fifty cubits wide and thirty cubits high." Converting these into modern metric measurements, the ark was 135x22.5x13.5 metres. Noah is also instructed to make the ark out of "cypress", a reference to a family of conifer trees known as "Cupressaceae", and despite specifying what type of wood it was to be made out of, made no plans for a rudder or any other type of steering mechanisms. So, in summary, God instructed Noah to construct a ship 135 metres long, made of wood, with no method for steering at all, and this ark was to carry every animal species in existence.

By way of comparison, a modern Nimitz aircraft carrier is 332.8 metres long and can carry up to 90 aircraft, despite being over 2.5 times the size of this legendary ark. Not only that, but constructing the ark out of wood makes it relatively flimsy in comparison, and combined with the lack of a steering mechanism, it's fair to say that the ark wouldn't have lasted long as the Earth rapidly flooded in what would have resulted in intense storm waters.

A great deal of assistance was offered to Noah by the Lord with regard to these valid questions. I shall explain.

Beginning with the issue of the ship's cargo-to-volume ratio and the care of the animals, one must bear in mind that a plethora of spells and magic items can mitigate this problem. The reduce animal spell reduced the creatures' individual caloric intake requirements and enabled them to fit onto the ark. The creatures were whisked out of the material plane into extraplanar pocket dimensions through extensive use of the rope trick spell. As the space of any such pocket dimension is sufficient to hold eight creatures of any size, a creature's mass and body volume become immaterial to the question of whether it would be possible to store them. And considering God's astonishingly high caster level and rope trick's lack of a duration cap, recasting of the rope trick spell constitutes a minor concern. Food and drink for the creatures and crew was provided by several cabinets of feasting. Environmental considerations for the creatures could be provided for through various spells aimed at raising or lowering local temperatures, generating water/stone, and so forth. The rope trick spell does not disallow the introduction of inanimate objects into the pocket dimension and only places a cap on the quantity of creatures which may enter, so no additional tweaking of the pocket dimension was necessary.

The next question to be addressed is the toughness of the vessel. True, the ark was made of cypress wood, but this was principally an aesthetic choice on the part of the Lord. The vessel's toughness was provided for by supplementary magic, specifically the ironwood spell. This gives the cypress vessel the toughness of a steel ship while leaving the pleasant cypress appearance and scent. The steering was provided for by the Lord as well, so no rudder was even required. Specifically, careful use of the control water spell was employed to steer the ark with the surrounding water itself. You may think that a strange way to provide for the steering of a ship, and I am inclined to agree. It is my opinion that the Lord was engaging in a bit of showing off on this particular point.

Animals

Having touched on animals in my last section, I shall go into greater detail here. As of 2010, there were 1.7 million known animal species, and the number has no doubt increased over the past 3 years. In fact, it is estimated that there are over 8.7 million non-bacterial species in the world today. Of course, this raises numerous problems for the feasibility of the story once this is put into perspective, and numerous questions are raised.

Firstly, how did Noah collect "two of all living creatures" of approximately 8.7 million animal species? Assuming, of course, we're not ignoring the fact that God instructed Noah to "bring" them onto the ark himself, contrary to the belief that they actually came to Noah of their own will (which still has several problems I'll discuss soon).
Assuming Noah actually did collect 8.7 million species, not only does it mean he was the discoverer of the Americas, but in fact he was the greatest zoologist to have ever lived.
This man, in his early 600s, would have had to immobilise polar bears and transport them from the arctic to an isolated area in ancient Mesopotamia. Even if this process took 100 years, and Noah spent this entire time without any sleep (the average human will last 2 weeks before dying of sleep deprivation), he would have had to collect 238 species per day or 10 new species per hour, something not physically possible considering the time required to both travel to the location of these species and capture them (assuming none were hostile and decided to kill Noah, which many of them would have).

However, if we assume that Noah didn't collect all of the animals himself, numerous problems are still posed; for example, how did sloths travel 12000 kilometres (as the crow flies) from Central America to the area of modern-day Iraq. As comical as the idea is of a sloth, a famously slow and lazy animal, traversing the Atlantic Ocean, it frankly remains nonsensical to suggest a sloth could do so. On the other hand, one could suggest the sloth travelled up into Alaska to Chukotka (still required to traverse some water) in conditions considerably colder than what it is acclimatised to, without any of its natural habitat or nutrition, meaning that it would die pretty quickly.

In addition, many species will have had to have been collected hundreds of times, in order to provide food for the carnivorous species on the ship, which goes directly against God's commands to only take two of each species on board. Noah would have also had to cater for the specific survival needs of every animal on his vessel, providing the exact dietary requirement for 8.7 million species whilst keeping the vessel at a temperature they can survive in, which is something that would no doubt be difficult to achieve considering the 135 metre-long wooden vessel wouldn't have contained the necessary means to control said temperature for every single animal.

It's also worth noting that the Bible assumes that all species possess both male and female variants, something which is demonstrably false. By saying so, the Bible demonstrates that it knows nothing of hermaphroditic species or those capable of performing autogamy (or self-reproduction), and thus highlights the Bible's complete lack of understanding about basic biology, suggesting that it is less of the work of a divine being but rather a fallible human author from no earlier than 1500 bc.

Such technicalities aside, let's just put this into perspective: the absolute maximumvolume of the ark was 41006.25 cubic metres (based on the previous measurements), and this is assuming that the ark was a perfect box shape. Now, taking into account 2x8.7 million=17.4 million (2 of every animal), we can work out approximately how much space each animal had, if (and that's a big "if") we ignore the living room for Noah, his family and 394 days worth of supplies for these animals. Dividing the volume by the number of animals, we work out that the volume per animal would come to approximately 0.0024 cubic metres. So, assuming Noah did manage to get every animal on board, they would've either died of suffocation or being crushed.

We have resolved all but two problems here already. The remaining problems are:

(a) The text oversimplifies reproductive biology
(b) Collection of the world's creatures would be an impossibly difficult endeavor

The first issue is simply a problem of the Lord's poor taste in ghost writers. The reason the Lord left this in the final draft was to teach a valuable lesson to everyone: if you use a ghost writer, edit and proofread the work personally prior to releasing it with your name on the cover.

Collection of the world's animals is also fairly simple. God equipped Noah with boots of teleportation, rods of sleep, and several scrolls of heal and greater invisibility. He was also given a crystal ball to aid in finding the desired creatures. Noah proceeded to turn invisible, cause the desired creatures to fall unconscious, and teleport them back to the ark to be placed in a pocket dimension. It was still a daunting task, but not nearly as difficult.

Fun Fact: The real story of how Noah collected the creatures was the original inspiration for the hit video game/television series Pokemon.

What about the plants?

As I'm sure you'll notice from reading it, the Genesis Account makes no reference to what happened to plant life during the flood. Unless Noah collected all plant life on Earth, which is even more ridiculous than him storing all animal life, we can assume that the account implies that plants remained relatively unaffected by the floodwaters, managing to survive over a year submerged 8.8km beneath the water level. Of course, to believe that this was possible essentially requires you to know nothing about basic plant biology.

Firstly, terrestrial plant life is enabled to perform its basic functions through gaseous exchange, using its stomata to absorb carbon dioxide for photosynthesis, allowing it to produce vital glucose for aerobic respiration. Aquatic plants, however, absorb carbon dioxide that is dissolved in water in four forms: carbon dioxide, carbonic acid, and carbonate and bicarbonate ions. Due to a notable difference between water and air carbon dioxide levels (i.e water has considerably less carbon dioxide than water), combined with terrestrial plants' lack of adapted exchanged surfaces to absorb carbon dioxide from the water, photosynthesis couldn't continue, at least at a rate that would allow the plant to survive for over a year.

Secondly, even with sufficient carbon dioxide, plants still require light to photosynthesise. Of course, light levels decrease substantially the further down one goes through the aquatic layers. If we compare the approximate depth of water at the time of the Flood with an actual location, the Puerto Rico Trench would be suitable, an oceanic trench with a depth of 8.8km. This depth in standard terms of aquatic layers is known as the "Hadal zone", which begins at depths of 6km and greater. In terms of the other layers, the Mesopelagic, the zone between 200 and 1000 metres, still doesn't receive enough light necessary to allow photosynthesis to take place. In the Hadal Zone (or Hadopelagic), sunlight is completely absent, making photosynthesis impossible.

If that isn't enough to convince you, the pressure of the Hadal Zone can reach around 1100 atmospheres (i.e. 1100 times standard atmospheric pressure). Such a pressure would completely crush the plants, effectively destroying them regardless of the limiting factors of photosynthesis.

So, in summary, as a result of a lack of carbon dioxide, light and immense pressure, the Global Flood would have completely eradicated all plant life on Earth. Still, that didn't stop Noah's dove from bringing him back a "freshly plucked olive leaf", did it?

Noah was only responsible for the creatures, the Lord took care of the plants. The needed plant samples were collected by God before Noah had even set out to collect the first creature on his list, as God has access to the time stop spell. The plant samples were cared for in a similar fashion to how Noah cared for the creatures, and after the last of the excess water had drained into the abyss the Lord promptly used a combination of time stop, the plant growth spell, and control weather to bring the Earth's plant life, its distribution, and the climates back to their original states.

Repopulation

If we somehow ignore the fact that, at this point, the Earth should be a wasteland devoid of plant life and the air should be saturated with water vapour to the extent that the air is unbreathable, and we excuse the fact that Noah had beat the impossible odds of collecting 8.7 million animal species and they weren't crushed to death on his wooden vessel that couldn't be navigated, we have to recognise that they would have to return to where they came from, despite being in the middle of ancient Mesopotamia.

Take, for example, the Walrus; there are only two in existence as of the Flood's end. It doesn't exactly take a zoologist to recognise that walruses aren't exactly adapted to traverse arid environments; in fact, quite the opposite. The walruses' lack of mobility (due to their immense bulk) combined with a lack of natural prey and overheating in post-flood Mesopotamia would result in the walrus' extinction. I can confirm that as of 2013, living walruses still exist.

In fact, all land carnivores would've died out within a day or two, due to a complete lack of nutrition. Those who argue that carnivores suddenly started consuming plant material, clearly don't understand that they can't efficiently digest plant material, many even not being able to digest it at all.

Only the few herbivorous or omnivorous animals lucky enough to be adapted to the Near East environment could have possibly survived to repopulate; once again assuming that all plant life wasn't completely destroyed. Still, the chances of fully repopulating with only two members of the species is incredibly slim, as one death would've resulted in that species' extinction.

The Lord simply teleported each creature back to its original habitat, which He had just recently restored using plant growth and control weather. Not a problem.

I sincerely hope your faith has been restored by this serious and completely scientifically/theologically sound explanation of the literal flood of the Earth by God.

[Thafoo]

In order to understand this clearly, you must understand another crucial fact: God just so happens to be an epic cross-classed spellcaster of an incredible level and who also happens to have an equally astonishing number of spell-storing rings and feats designed to maximize His spell count per day. He opened several interplanar gates to the elemental plane of water, which you will no doubt correctly assume to have an unlimited supply of water. This is how He managed to produce a seemingly impossible amount of water with which to flood the Earth.

Getting to your question about the flow rate, that's simply a matter of opening a sufficient number of interplanar gates (each individual one constituting a hoop ranging from 5-20 feet in diameter). Arranging the gates in such a fashion as water flowing out into the material plane from any given gate does not return to the elemental plane of water by flowing into a different gate would be a trivial matter, and so the necessary flow rate is indeed reachable. Opening a single gate is a standard action (taking roughly 1 second), and since there are 86,400 seconds in a day there was more than sufficient time to open the necessary number of gates.

Now, you may ask just how it is that God managed to establish gates all around the world in a timely fashion. A fair question, and easily answered. God had several pairs of boots of teleportation prepared and set out at pre-planned positions, changing their design to sandals in order to maximize the rate at which any given pair could be donned or removed. In this way God managed to travel from one location on the planet to another in a much more timely fashion than either overland flight could ever hope to provide. However, just to cover His bases and ensure that his movements would be rapid and free enough, God cast a combination of haste, expeditious retreat, and air walk on Himself whenever necessary.

Another question you may ask is how God managed to create rainstorms lasting the described duration. A simple cast of control weather is capable of accomplishing such a feat. The torrential rain option would become justifiably globally accessible as flooding continued, though it would initially be accessible only in locales which were in the midst of summer as per the limitations of the spell.

The final point you've raised, which is the question of where the water went after the flooding had finally ended, is answered again with interdimensional gates. This time, however, the gates led to a different plane of existence: the infinite layers of the abyss. As the abyss features an infinite amount of space the introduction of such a large quantity of water would have a minimal effect upon the plane as a whole, instead only leading to localized disarray. And considering the abyss is a wretched nest of evil beings, God took no issue with this notion. Angels were posted at each gate to ensure that the denizens of the abyss did not escape their prison.



A great deal of assistance was offered to Noah by the Lord with regard to these valid questions. I shall explain.

Beginning with the issue of the ship's cargo-to-volume ratio and the care of the animals, one must bear in mind that a plethora of spells and magic items can mitigate this problem. The reduce animal spell reduced the creatures' individual caloric intake requirements and enabled them to fit onto the ark. The creatures were whisked out of the material plane into extraplanar pocket dimensions through extensive use of the rope trick spell. As the space of any such pocket dimension is sufficient to hold eight creatures of any size, a creature's mass and body volume become immaterial to the question of whether it would be possible to store them. And considering God's astonishingly high caster level and rope trick's lack of a duration cap, recasting of the rope trick spell constitutes a minor concern. Food and drink for the creatures and crew was provided by several cabinets of feasting. Environmental considerations for the creatures could be provided for through various spells aimed at raising or lowering local temperatures, generating water/stone, and so forth. The rope trick spell does not disallow the introduction of inanimate objects into the pocket dimension and only places a cap on the quantity of creatures which may enter, so no additional tweaking of the pocket dimension was necessary.

The next question to be addressed is the toughness of the vessel. True, the ark was made of cypress wood, but this was principally an aesthetic choice on the part of the Lord. The vessel's toughness was provided for by supplementary magic, specifically the ironwood spell. This gives the cypress vessel the toughness of a steel ship while leaving the pleasant cypress appearance and scent. The steering was provided for by the Lord as well, so no rudder was even required. Specifically, careful use of the control water spell was employed to steer the ark with the surrounding water itself. You may think that a strange way to provide for the steering of a ship, and I am inclined to agree. It is my opinion that the Lord was engaging in a bit of showing off on this particular point.



We have resolved all but two problems here already. The remaining problems are:

(a) The text oversimplifies reproductive biology
(b) Collection of the world's creatures would be an impossibly difficult endeavor

The first issue is simply a problem of the Lord's poor taste in ghost writers. The reason the Lord left this in the final draft was to teach a valuable lesson to everyone: if you use a ghost writer, edit and proofread the work personally prior to releasing it with your name on the cover.

Collection of the world's animals is also fairly simple. God equipped Noah with boots of teleportation, rods of sleep, and several scrolls of heal and greater invisibility. He was also given a crystal ball to aid in finding the desired creatures. Noah proceeded to turn invisible, cause the desired creatures to fall unconscious, and teleport them back to the ark to be placed in a pocket dimension. It was still a daunting task, but not nearly as difficult.

Fun Fact: The real story of how Noah collected the creatures was the original inspiration for the hit video game/television series Pokemon.



Noah was only responsible for the creatures, the Lord took care of the plants. The needed plant samples were collected by God before Noah had even set out to collect the first creature on his list, as God has access to the time stop spell. The plant samples were cared for in a similar fashion to how Noah cared for the creatures, and after the last of the excess water had drained into the abyss the Lord promptly used a combination of time stop, the plant growth spell, and control weather to bring the Earth's plant life, its distribution, and the climates back to their original states.



The Lord simply teleported each creature back to its original habitat, which He had just recently restored using plant growth and control weather. Not a problem.

I sincerely hope your faith has been restored by this serious and completely scientifically/theologically sound explanation of the literal flood of the Earth by God.

All that can be possibly said has been said. Pack it up, people. We're done here.