Awesome/Funny NS quotes (not your own quotes, please)

[Cannot think of a name]

This thread took a weird turn...

[Frisbeeteria]

This thread took a weird turn...

Yeah, and let's turn it back into a Quotes thread, please.

[Izandai]

This thread took a weird turn...

Yeah, and let's turn it back into a Quotes thread, please.

Yes ma'am(?)

On a thread about a woman who was arrested for necrophilia:

I have no issue here as long as it was a male skeleton

Fucking Christ.

Fucking Christ.

Christ is dead. Christ is male. Technically, he'd be okay with you screwing him.

[Victoria Von Bathysphere]

Feminism is one of the stupidest movements in history. It's like trying to replace the whole house becasue the plumbing leakes allitle in the winter.

Where the fuck do you people keep coming from? Is there like, some bat signal somewhere that lets the internet know that someone, somewhere, is having an adult conversation about gender relations, so get here quick, but instead of a bat, it's just a giant throbbing penis?

QFFT. *nods*

[San Leggera]

That isn't the only thing (concerning religion) prohibited by the First Amendment...

Those crazy founding fathers - why couldn't they have anticipated every single possible legal interpretation of that pesky Bill of Rights two centuries ago? Just look at all of the arguments you Americans are always having over those first and second amendments; damn sloppy if you ask me.

Clearly the only feasible solution is to abolish the Bill of Rights, tear up the increasingly archaic constitution, revoke the Declaration of Independence, and have the United States return to the welcoming bosom of Mother Britain.

If you ask nicely, we'll even extend the NHS to you; though we'd understand if you wanted to keep your own dentists.

[Neo Art]

Where the fuck do you people keep coming from? Is there like, some bat signal somewhere that lets the internet know that someone, somewhere, is having an adult conversation about gender relations, so get here quick, but instead of a bat, it's just a giant throbbing penis?

QFFT. *nods*

I appreciate the sentiment, though I feel the follow up deserves mention as well

"Commissioner Gordon! The Joker has taken the mayor hostage, and no one can stop him!"

"Quick, light the Batsignal!"

"Yeah...um...about that. We kind of...accidentally broke the Batsignal. But we do have this OTHER signal."

"We'll take what we can get! So, who's it summon?"

"Um...Dickman."

"...Dickman?"

"Yeah."

"What does he...do I want to know what Dickman's powers are?"

"Well, er, he...inserts himself into discussions, and, um, spurts out opinions."

"That doesn't exactly sound helpful. Does he at least reply to things that have gone before?"

"Oh, no. Dickman doesn't do foreplay like 'reading' or 'listening.' He gets right to the thrust of his position."

"But...that makes him sound entirely useless."

"Oh, he is. But at least he's in and out in two minutes or less!"

[Caninope]

Why did I just get the image of the Justices at a strip club throwing money at strippers on stage in slow motion?

Or, as they would put it "exercising the plenary power to regular interstate commerce by making it rain"

[Creative Vikings]

Those crazy founding fathers - why couldn't they have anticipated every single possible legal interpretation of that pesky Bill of Rights two centuries ago? Just look at all of the arguments you Americans are always having over those first and second amendments; damn sloppy if you ask me.

Clearly the only feasible solution is to abolish the Bill of Rights, tear up the increasingly archaic constitution, revoke the Declaration of Independence, and have the United States return to the welcoming bosom of Mother Britain.

If you ask nicely, we'll even extend the NHS to you; though we'd understand if you wanted to keep your own dentists.

Oh I do like a good sit and snuggle on the Queen's lap and chest, hawt hawt.

[Esternial]

C'mon people, why bring us into this?

Dang it, we always get dragged into stuff we don't have anything to do with

[Nightkill the Emperor]

Gay BS. Seriously do I give a shit about gay people? No? Quit shoving it in my face.

gay marriage, excuse me? This is not a government issue. marriage is a church issue. If churches want to fuck around with gay marriage-I don't give a fuck but I certainly will not visit your church as I don't want to watch something for which I don't care about. Gays can do whatever they like in their own privacy. I don't fuck in public. Marriage is a tradition, Gays want to redefine that tradition, its silly and so shortsighted and dim. Gays should create their own fucking celebration and ceremony. A recent poll stated more than 70% of gay couples were atheists, well so then why on godsgreen earth do they want to get married in a fucking church? They want the government benefits, fuck that its silly, the government needs to quit everything marriage.

Lets be honest

I have had sex, and I have had anal sex with a gal years ago. The vagina was 10 times better, I did a comparison back and forth back and forth. Just to get the truth in my mind. The vagina was created for the penis. So look the penis and vagina just work, its simple as that. The vagina is way better than an anus. Anal sex is kind of kinky and fun once or twice, but to crave it.. sorry, the vagina was made for the job. Clam bumping, totally incompatible and stupid. Oral sex, ok fine Oral sex is great. But listen, you can have oral sex all you want with your hetero partner. Ok, the argument that they are not as good, BS, you can teach your love what you prefer. Men who like to suck dicks, please that is not a reality. Women who crave vaginas in their faces, doubtful.

Most Gay people in my mind, were abandoned people or were raised poorly, picked on, mentally beat down, molested, raped or as a last resort just plain unattractive and lonely.

I feel for them. I really do.

There might be a tiny tiny tiny gene abnormality that can explain the gays who became gay from nothingness, and this we are talking is probably less than 0.0005% of the population.

My point, quit shoving gays down my face. I don't want to see it, talk about, hear about it or care about it.

Gays can do whatever they want in their own privacy and I will do whatever I want in my own privacy. We need to all live private lives, quit making this such a public spectacle.

This is not awesome at all. Instead, it is so far on the other scale that it's bloody hilarious.

[The Cookish States]

Gay BS. Seriously do I give a shit about gay people? No? Quit shoving it in my face.

gay marriage, excuse me? This is not a government issue. marriage is a church issue. If churches want to fuck around with gay marriage-I don't give a fuck but I certainly will not visit your church as I don't want to watch something for which I don't care about. Gays can do whatever they like in their own privacy. I don't fuck in public. Marriage is a tradition, Gays want to redefine that tradition, its silly and so shortsighted and dim. Gays should create their own fucking celebration and ceremony. A recent poll stated more than 70% of gay couples were atheists, well so then why on godsgreen earth do they want to get married in a fucking church? They want the government benefits, fuck that its silly, the government needs to quit everything marriage.

Lets be honest

I have had sex, and I have had anal sex with a gal years ago. The vagina was 10 times better, I did a comparison back and forth back and forth. Just to get the truth in my mind. The vagina was created for the penis. So look the penis and vagina just work, its simple as that. The vagina is way better than an anus. Anal sex is kind of kinky and fun once or twice, but to crave it.. sorry, the vagina was made for the job. Clam bumping, totally incompatible and stupid. Oral sex, ok fine Oral sex is great. But listen, you can have oral sex all you want with your hetero partner. Ok, the argument that they are not as good, BS, you can teach your love what you prefer. Men who like to suck dicks, please that is not a reality. Women who crave vaginas in their faces, doubtful.

Most Gay people in my mind, were abandoned people or were raised poorly, picked on, mentally beat down, molested, raped or as a last resort just plain unattractive and lonely.

I feel for them. I really do.

There might be a tiny tiny tiny gene abnormality that can explain the gays who became gay from nothingness, and this we are talking is probably less than 0.0005% of the population.

My point, quit shoving gays down my face. I don't want to see it, talk about, hear about it or care about it.

Gays can do whatever they want in their own privacy and I will do whatever I want in my own privacy. We need to all live private lives, quit making this such a public spectacle.

This is not awesome at all. Instead, it is so far on the other scale that it's bloody hilarious.

I liked the last two sentences...

[Nationstatelandsville]

Gay BS. Seriously do I give a shit about gay people? No? Quit shoving it in my face.

gay marriage, excuse me? This is not a government issue. marriage is a church issue. If churches want to fuck around with gay marriage-I don't give a fuck but I certainly will not visit your church as I don't want to watch something for which I don't care about. Gays can do whatever they like in their own privacy. I don't fuck in public. Marriage is a tradition, Gays want to redefine that tradition, its silly and so shortsighted and dim. Gays should create their own fucking celebration and ceremony. A recent poll stated more than 70% of gay couples were atheists, well so then why on godsgreen earth do they want to get married in a fucking church? They want the government benefits, fuck that its silly, the government needs to quit everything marriage.

Lets be honest

I have had sex, and I have had anal sex with a gal years ago. The vagina was 10 times better, I did a comparison back and forth back and forth. Just to get the truth in my mind. The vagina was created for the penis. So look the penis and vagina just work, its simple as that. The vagina is way better than an anus. Anal sex is kind of kinky and fun once or twice, but to crave it.. sorry, the vagina was made for the job. Clam bumping, totally incompatible and stupid. Oral sex, ok fine Oral sex is great. But listen, you can have oral sex all you want with your hetero partner. Ok, the argument that they are not as good, BS, you can teach your love what you prefer. Men who like to suck dicks, please that is not a reality. Women who crave vaginas in their faces, doubtful.

Most Gay people in my mind, were abandoned people or were raised poorly, picked on, mentally beat down, molested, raped or as a last resort just plain unattractive and lonely.

I feel for them. I really do.

There might be a tiny tiny tiny gene abnormality that can explain the gays who became gay from nothingness, and this we are talking is probably less than 0.0005% of the population.

My point, quit shoving gays down my face. I don't want to see it, talk about, hear about it or care about it.

Gays can do whatever they want in their own privacy and I will do whatever I want in my own privacy. We need to all live private lives, quit making this such a public spectacle.

This is not awesome at all. Instead, it is so far on the other scale that it's bloody hilarious.

This would rank amongst one of the best things I've ever read, if Colbert was writing it.

[Forsher]

This, I found funny.

[Maltropia]

This, I found funny.

I think I liked Fris' post above it more.

[Radiatia]

While taking my English final, I noticed one of the questions was wether "Huckelberry Finn" was a rascist book.

Don't worry about not having got that one right.
Anyone who spells "Huckelberry", "rascist" and "wether" it is bound to try the English final another time, anyway.

[Forsher]

This, I found funny.

I think I liked Fris' post above it more.

Perhaps we'll agree about this one.

Uh...hate to burst your bubble but the Mayans weren't European, primarily because they lived in what is now modern-day central America.
So when the Jaguar Gods comes back to destroy the world and appears at Tikal, most likely it will come in US central... or on the Jaguar God's own damn time because they're the jaguar gods and they do as they please.

Nonsense, the Mayans were from what is now Leicester.

[TaQud]

This is not awesome at all. Instead, it is so far on the other scale that it's bloody hilarious.

I liked the last two sentences...

I liked the last three sentences...

[Giovenith]

I would like to point out that this is hardly a resounding endorsement, a 180 turn, or anything of the sort. All this is is a former politician with a dead political career reluctantly and grudgingly acknowledging an inevitable shift in culture against his political party. This is the arrival of some measure of realism in the Republican party. Gingrich is hardly a saint for this, and I'll not be singing the praises of him for it.

EDIT: BTW, did anyone else notice that pig flying around outside?

The bacon brought itself home, aka GODLESS COMMUNISM.

[Gauthier]

Just think of it as Newt expanding his affair options.

[phone rings]
Hello?
Barney? Barney, it's Newt, listen, I ...
[click ... dial tone]

[The Corparation]

If brothers were a good idea, God would have one.

And look how he turned out.

[Alien Space Bats]

Doomsday preppers ARE nutjobs. That's not really making a leap.

Source?

Preparing for the post-Rapture scenario is not an appropriate use of money or personal training that could be better appropriated to preparing for the inevitable North Korean invasion.

[Nightkill the Emperor]

Nah, I'm God, who else will fuck up this world we created?

The mortal shall fuck themselves.

...

[Radiatia]

Oh yes, this is definitely the start of the Revelation. The signs of it are all over the place. The world is deteriorating on an unprecedented scale, and it will continue to get worse and worse until the day Jesus comes back. The rise of atheism scares me also, but we must keep ourselves firmly planted in our religion and not let these persecutions effect us.

Just the other day, I called out the atheist death squads to deal with some poor deluded fool who still believed in 'God'! What a laugh, amirite?

[Coffee Cakes]

I believe this needs to be preserved for posterity, because it's quite possibly one of the most sane posts I've ever come across in a religion thread:

The Tanakh is a heterogeneous collection of literature, recording early mankind's strivings with the big questions; it is an extraordinary document, since we have nothing like it of the same anciency from any other nation. Its value consists precisely in the length of time over which it evolved, and the variety of approaches which were tried and failed during that period. The simple-minded fundamentalist view of it not only opens it up to angry-atheist attacks for its crudities and cruelties, but also erases the very source of the book's value.

[Farnhamia]

Pluto's just a dwarf planet. Nothing more, nothing less.

Charon, on the other hand, is really a mass relay leading to the Arcturus system. Obviously.

I believe they like to be called Little Planets.