Awesome/Funny NS quotes (not your own quotes, please)

[Yoite]

quote="Lost heros";p="10139862"]

Hmm.
I want to do something... shocking.

But, meh.

Apply jumper cables to your naughty bits? That's certainly... shocking.

He isn't Avalar[/quote]

[Germanic Templars]

Oh, don't mind Dyakovo, he's rarely if ever serious.

The last time he was serious, the USSR collapsed.

[Damanucus]

Yes, the Apocalypse is around the corner:

Don't recommend it.

Did that once, and it's worse.

Is this a sign of the apocalypse?
Me and Darth Elmo giving, good, serious advice at the same time...

RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

[Mosasauria]

Since it does indeed say awesome NS quotes:

Deep within the bowels of the Devil's Throat, in a remote section of forest where no trail lead and no animals could be found, an ancient evil was awakening. The call of the Rake pierced the silence of its watery grave, the placidly calm surface beginning to ripple as the horror that stood chained at its depths began to stir. It had been asleep for so long, such a very long time. And it hungered.. hungered for the lifeblood that sustained both it and his prey -- nay, his victims. It had been centuries since a mortal had gazed upon the horrendous glory of The Watcher in the Well, far too long for the Watcher's liking. But he detested that name, for he was no Watcher. He was a Stalker, he was Ephigoth'kletr, The One of Endless Form. But sleep was bereft from him as quickly as those cursed Shamans had sent it forth, and in a sudden rush of fury the Eldritch creature became whole once more. It had been centuries since its last human contact, when the explorers dared to enter into his realm. He was weak then, so very tired, and was only able to enthrall them ever so slightly. But now, now that had changed and he was whole once more: free and whole, free to wreak havoc unto the world as he pleased.

The water began to shift and the cavern hung heavy with artifice as Ephigoth'kletr rose from his chains and ascended as if held by the hand of God himself. But Ephigoth'kletr knew full and well that there was no God that could withstand his fury now, and he could feel the lack of magics in the world that those ancient Shamans possessed, oh, those cursed dogs! How dare they defile his glory, his power, with their trickery and deceit. But secretly, Ephigoth'kletr admired those qualities in mankind and they were no different. They had played Ephigoth'kletr's game and they had beaten him. So them, he could forgive. But the others, no.. no, they would not -- could not -- be forgiven. Water dripped from the horror as he latched onto the carved rock face of the Devil's Throat, crawling out with inhuman speed and in seconds the spawn of Hell itself had left the maw of his creator.. Ephigoth'kletr was free of the Devil's Throat once again, free to roam the lands like times long past.

Brisk wind met him along with the silence of the forsaken forest that he was in. He looked up into the sky and saw the thunderheads and roiling masses of black clouds -- bruised and swollen -- with the sliver of a radiant moon barely showing its face from behind the darkness. Soon, it would storm here as well, but that was of no portent to the Watcher. First, he must sate his desires and then he would answer the Rake's call. Moving forward on all fours, Ephigoth'kletr's monstrous natural form dripped with water remnant from the Throat.

A scent filled the air and graced Ephigoth'kletr's presence, and it was a scent that filled the creature with a primal bloodlust that he had almost forgotten: the smell of human fear. Fear, that glorious, wondrous, twisted, delicious, tantalizing aroma. The amalgamation of all human suffering, all their insecurities and phobias and regrets and memories, all combined into one godly scent. And it was near, ever so near that Ephigoth'kletr could taste it in the air itself, hanging heavy and lingering despite the strong wind. Ephigoth'kletr moved towards the scent at a great speed, tearing through the unkempt underbrush at a breakneck pace. Soon, he was upon the smell and he realized the scene that was unfolding before him. Jumping, he braced himself with all four limbs against the trunk of a tree, moving like some demented spider up the trunk to get a better view. Lightning flashed upon the scene, illuminating it even though Ephigoth'kletr did not need the light in order to see perfectly.

Before him, a large man in a white wifebeater and stained blue jeans hauled a woman in a ripped and torn dress by her beautiful blond hair. Ephigoth'kletr savored every detail as he watched what was happening: oh, how glorious her fear and his rage were, and how glorious their deaths would be at his hands!

"EUSTACE," screamed the woman to the man, "PLEASE, PLEASE I'M SORRY."

"BITCH I SAID SHUT THE FUCK UP," roared the man -- who Ephigoth'kletr presumed was Eustace --, punctuating his sentence with a downright brutal backhand across the woman's face, "I DIDN'T MARRY NO FUCKIN' CHEATER. BITCH, NOBODY'S EVER GONNA FIND YOU WHERE YOU'RE GOIN'."

"EUSTACE," screamed the woman again between sobs, "EUSTACE PLEASE, N-NO, PLEASE DON'T DO THIS TO ME."

At this, the man hauled the woman up to his eye-level by the hair and planted a vicious undercut into her stomach, driving the wind from her lungs and silencing her. She continued to sob halfheartedly as she struggled to regain her breath, her legs trailing limply behind her as Eustace dragged her farther into the woods: towards Devil's Throat.

Returning to the ground, Ephigoth'kletr decided that it was time to end their pathetic lives. Crawling forwards, he darkened the small clearing that they had emerged into, a thick haze of abyssal fog hanging at the edges of sight. Moving swiftly he cut them off, utilizing the ethereal blackness to emerge, unseen, before them. Ephigoth'kletr rose in a macabre manner, eliciting a gasp of pure terror from the woman and a shout of alarm from the man.

The man took a step back out of fear, pure fear that radiated off of both of them and only served to heighten Ephigoth'kletr's maddening lust for their blood. An inhuman sound escaped the creature's lips, a rasping noise almost like a cough.. Ephigoth'kletr was laughing. Eustace tried to run, but he couldn't. He was held in thrall by the sheer terror of the beast before him.

"My children," said Ephigoth'kletr in a sinisterly snake-like voice, one of horrid antiquity and evil, "today you are to become part of something much greater than yourselves. Rejoice, for the end shall come swiftly. Pity those that will come after you."

Not a further word was spoken as Ephigoth'kletr's clawed hands shot forth, ripping into Eustace and gouging chunks of flesh from his chest. The gaping, disfigured maw of the Watcher tore into his face as Ephigoth'kletr was consumed by his raging bloodlust. Letting the carcass drop, he turned now to the woman: she was paralyzed in fear, oozing terror. This made the kill all the more enjoyable for Ephigoth'kletr. He caressed her face with his blood-soaked claws and ran his lipless, gaping mouth over her forehead as his slit nostrils soaked up her fear. His hot breath formed a cloud of steam in the chilling night and coalesced around her head. And then he struck, decapitating her by ripping her head cleanly off of the neck, blood spewing over his entirety as the arteries and veins empties themselves into the night air. He stood there for a few moments and simply relished the ungodly shower, and then turned and began to devour the bodies. 10 minutes later only deformed, disfigured corpses remained: not even enough to identify them once they were discovered by the police. After he had fed, and was sated, Ephigoth'kletr was on the move once more.

He was moving quickly, barreling through the forest on all fours, moving like some demented animal, a sideshow horror, and he sped towards where the Rake had summoned them. Not that he was adherent to the Rake, or beholden to him, it was just that after countless centuries of solitude, Ephigoth'kletr was keen for blood and he knew that where the Rake went, bloodshed followed.

Within a half hour he had found the Rake, moving through the forest towards some unknown destination.

Rising up into a bipedal stance, Ephigoth'kletr looked at the creature with his eyeless face, seeing without sight.

"Has it begun?" was all that Ephigoth'kletr would say, in that inhumanly grotesque voice of his.

[Dyakovo]

From the Evolution thread...

Clearly evolution has no place in schools, and if it is to be taught in needs to be taught next to competing ideas.... the same applies to gravity, where we should show roadrunner cartoons as a competing idea.

[Dyakovo]

More from Tek...

The blind are immune to gravity?

Ask 1000 blind people how many of them plummeted to their deaths falling off a cliff... and I bet not a single one would say they did...

[Wikkiwallana]

On one hand the 90s didn't have anywhere near as advanced internet so it's worse for that.
On the other hand the 90s didn't have anywhere near as advanced internet so it's better for that.

[Olthar]

I didn't realize that I was everyone. Does that mean that I'm like the Borg?

YOU WILL ALL BE ASSIMILATED INTO OLTHAR. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.

I wouldn't mind being assimilated into you Olthar. It's the only way to become a sexy god.

[Risottia]

Yeah, still an atheist after watching this. It's more than likely this guy is just making up crap, or his REM sleep on cells were activated upon almost dying.

I've also always wondered why being an atheist means you are automatically destined for hell. I mean, I can understand murderers and such, but atheists? Even if they did almost nothing wrong, and tried to do a lot of good in the world, they get condemned to hell for eternity because "Fuck you, you didn't believe in me"?

It's more like "FUCK YOU!! I MADE MYSELF COMPLETELY UNFALSIFIABLE AND INVISIBLE AND MADE YOU RELY ON ANCIENT RETRANSLATED TEXTS AND THOUSANDS OF DIFFERENT RELIGIONS/DENOMINATIONS AND MADE MY STORIES SEEM SILLY AND CONFLICTING WITH VERIFIABLE SCIENCE!! HOW COULD YOU NOT BELIEVE IN ME?!?!?!?!?!? I MUST NOW TOSS YOU TO MY HENCHMAN SATAN TO BE TORTURED FOR ALL ETERNITY TO SHOW YOU MY LOVE!!!"

[The Republic of Lanos]

a bunch of idols made of, varying things, interesting tangent, one of the idols inside was made of dates, and some historians say that it was 'destroyed' by handing the dates out to some nearby beggars. Which is kinda funny to me, cuz those idolaters ate one of their gods.

Christians eat their God every Sunday.

[The Republic of Lanos]

Nerv had a Freudian slip (emphasis mine):

ugh, I am so confused right now

There's a dedicated Move thread, which is what I directed you to the first time.

And yes, 'Yog zap!' means I loved it.

[Free Soviets]

I tend to look at my post count as a badge of shame more than anything else..."Ugh, really? Eight thousand posts...you think I could have taught myself cello or something like that..."

(i console myself with the thought that they've been spread over a really long time. unfortunately, that doesn't help matters.)

[The Republic of Lanos]

Wisconsin9, I choose you!

Fuck you, I'm on strike! You can't keep me in a Pokeball all the time, only letting me out to fight chumps for you!

[Damanucus]

Defiance courtesy of Gidgetisms:

To all you sods persisting with the bunny facade, so help me ...

(Image)

*shakes fist*

[Milks Empire]

But God is so lonely... I mean, he may be married, but all his wives are nuns...

That's why he made Jews. He can have a relationship with them.

Yeah...when they say "right-wing extremists," they don't mean these guys...

(Image)

...they mean these guys.

(Image)

The happy birthday banner is a nice touch. It's good to see Nazis that care.

[Cu Math]

From the whole Batman-Obama-Romney thread

No, no. Obama is a public billionaire who secretly dresses in combat armor and attacks poor people in the dead of night.

You misspelled, "Let me get this straight: you believe your President, one of the wealthiest and most powerful men in the world, is secretly a vigilante who spends his nights beating criminals to a pulp with his bare hands, and your plan is to vote against this person?"

[Natair]

From the whole Batman-Obama-Romney thread

You misspelled, "Let me get this straight: you believe your President, one of the wealthiest and most powerful men in the world, is secretly a vigilante who spends his nights beating criminals to a pulp with his bare hands, and your plan is to vote against this person?"

Man if this had a facebook, it'd have so many likes.... TO THE GROUP CREATION PAGE!

[Genivaria]

I am apparently a cosmopolitan Social Democrat?
I have no idea what that means.

I think you are alcoholic and I will attempt to drink you.

[Northwest Slobovia]

From the whole Batman-Obama-Romney thread

Man if this had a facebook, it'd have so many likes.... TO THE GROUP CREATION PAGE!

You didn't, did you?

[Forsher]

The best thing you can do in Dublin is go to Connolly station, get on a train, and go to Belfast.

yes, but given the requirement, what's the second best thing you can do in dublin?

Get the bus to Belfast?

[Forsher]

For all intents and purposes, yes. For all intents and purposes, no.

You said "intents"! Not "intense"! Or even "in tents"!

I bet you say "tenets" when you actually mean "tenets", instead of saying "tenants", too!

Here, have one of these:*

***unWarned for Whatever It May Be***

*Not recognised in all mod jurisdictions.
*Valid for 0 months from date of issue.

[Milks Empire]

Yup. Was at a friend's house eating dinner with her and her family when I was a teen when the mother went off about Puerto Ricans and how they were all lazy, welfare-stealing, drug running drunks. My mom raised me never to be rude to adults, so I kept my head down and kept eating until my friend yelled, "OH FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, KAT'S PUERTO RICAN!"

Her mom was shocked, because my family name is Italian in origin, and all I could do at that point, as I excused myself from the table, was point out, "And I'm housebroken, know how to use silverware, and was raised to be respectful to my elders." Which, in hindsight, wasn't really respectful.

Oddly enough, after that incident, I was pretty much treated like one of the family and have been for nearly thirty years.

Ganistan is an Italian name?

[An INTP]

From the thread about Obama picking his favorite girl scout cookie

First of all, you're comparing Gitmo and Obamacare (national issues) to a thin mint(a cookie) smh

Now, what about Gitmo?

What about Obamacare?

Obama is imprisoning conservatives in FEMA camps with comparable conditions to gitmo
Obamacare is attempting to euthanize the elderly, who vote conservative

Obviously it's satire, but very good satire!

[Milks Empire]

I doubt smuggling semen would be all THAT hard.

You're smuggling semen. It's going to be hard at some point.

[Olthar]

it's inevitable,some people just don't know it yet :3

It's like a disease, except instead of getting sick, you have sex with Olthar.

It's like a disease, except instead of getting sick, you have sex with Olthar.

Both may make you feel hot, put you to bed, and possibly cause something to enter your anus.