You Are Jeff Bezos (Hypothetical)

[Kannap]

You wake up one morning and, by some mystical misfortune, you find that you are the one and only Jeffrey Preston Bezos, owner of Amazon. Jeff Bezo's employees are now your employees, because you are Jeff Bezos.

Jeff Bezos' money is now your money, because you are Jeff Bezos. Nothing you can possibly say or do will ever convince anybody else that you are not, in fact, Jeff Bezos. His closest friends and family will fully believe that you are - and have always been - Jeff Bezos. You're the only one wise to what's true.

You stare in the bathroom mirror for some time wishing you weren't Jeff Bezos, but alas, you're Jeff Bezos now.

Now that you've accepted your present fate, it's time that you learn what your mission is. You've got to spend all of Jeff Bezos' money. Every cent of it. Maybe you get to return to your own body when you're done and become yourself again. Maybe not, but you'd still be the hero that spent all of Jeff Bezos' money.

And no, you cannot invest it, you may not keep it, and you cannot earn more of it. You can only spend it. And, for the purposes of this scenario, we're going to ignore that most of Bezos' wealth is locked away in stocks, investments, etc. We're going to pretend that his wealth is all cold, liquid-y cash, ripe for the spending. Failure to spend it all or try to save/invest/otherwise loophole your way to keeping the money or letting a proxy hold it on your behalf will result in your immediate arrest, where you can post bail for the remainder of your worth or be sentenced to life in prison, thereby forfeiting your worth to the state.

You, Jeff Bezos, have a wealth of $181,200,000,000. The question is, how do you spend it?

Can't think of anything? Need some recommendations?

For $22.7 billion, you can fund NASA for an entire year.
For $20 billion, you can end homelessness in the United States by ensuring every homeless person in America has a guaranteed roof over their head
For $15.8 billion, you can double every Amazon employee's pay
For $380 million, you could hypothetically buy enough of the members of Congress to abolish the electoral college
For $295 million, you could pay the back taxes Amazon owes to the European Union; this is enough money to host Eurovision nearly 12 times.
For $150 million, you could build ten fancy libraries
For $57.6 million, you could pay off 1,000 grad student's loans

Note that even if you choose all of these recommendations, you've got $121,817,400,000 left to spend. You better get to work.

So, how do you spend all of your money?

Me? I'd buy Congress to abolish the electoral college ($380 million), I'd end homelessness in the United States ($20 billion), I'd give $22.7 billion to NASA. Wow, I've still got 138 billion? Yikes. I'd double every Amazon employee's pay ($15.8 billion), then I'd double it again ($31.6 billion), and then I'd double it again ($63.2 billion). Hmmmm still got $27.5 billion to play with. I'd donate $7.5 billion to the Make a Wish Foundation. I'd donate $2.5 billion to St. Jude Children's Research Hospital. I'd donate $2.5 billion to Habitat for Humanity. I'd donate $2.5 billion to the YMCA. I'd donate $2.5 billion to the American Red Cross. I'd donate $2.5 billion to the American Cancer Society. I'd donate $2.5 billion to Planned Parenthood. I'd donate $2.5 billion to the Appalachian Trail Conservancy. And I'd donate my last $2.5 billion to PBS.

[The Chuck]

You wake up one morning and, by some mystical misfortune, you find that you are the one and only Jeffrey Preston Bezos, owner of Amazon. Jeff Bezo's employees are now your employees, because you are Jeff Bezos.

Jeff Bezos' money is now your money, because you are Jeff Bezos. Nothing you can possibly say or do will ever convince anybody else that you are not, in fact, Jeff Bezos. His closest friends and family will fully believe that you are - and have always been - Jeff Bezos. You're the only one wise to what's true.

You stare in the bathroom mirror for some time wishing you weren't Jeff Bezos, but alas, you're Jeff Bezos now.

Now that you've accepted your present fate, it's time that you learn what your mission is. You've got to spend all of Jeff Bezos' money. Every cent of it. Maybe you get to return to your own body when you're done and become yourself again. Maybe not, but you'd still be the hero that spent all of Jeff Bezos' money.

And no, you cannot invest it, you may not keep it, and you cannot earn more of it. You can only spend it. And, for the purposes of this scenario, we're going to ignore that most of Bezos' wealth is locked away in stocks, investments, etc. We're going to pretend that his wealth is all cold, liquid-y cash, ripe for the spending.

You, Jeff Bezos, have a wealth of $181,200,000,000. The question is, how do you spend it?

Can't think of anything? Need some recommendations?

For $22.7 billion, you can fund NASA for an entire year.
For $20 billion, you can end homelessness in the United States by ensuring every homeless person in America has a guaranteed roof over their head
For $15.8 billion, you can double every Amazon employee's pay
For $380 million, you could hypothetically buy enough of the members of Congress to abolish the electoral college
For $295 million, you could pay the back taxes Amazon owes to the European Union; this is enough money to host Eurovision nearly 12 times.
For $150 million, you could build ten fancy libraries
For $57.6 million, you could pay off 1,000 grad student's loans

Note that even if you choose all of these recommendations, you've got $121,817,400,000 left to spend. You better get to work.

So, how do you spend all of your money?

Me? I'd buy Congress to abolish the electoral college ($380 million), I'd end homelessness in the United States ($20 billion), I'd give $22.7 billion to NASA. Wow, I've still got 138 billion? Yikes. I'd double every Amazon employee's pay ($15.8 billion), then I'd double it again ($31.6 billion), and then I'd double it again ($63.2 billion). Hmmmm still got $27.5 billion to play with. I'd donate $7.5 billion to the Make a Wish Foundation. I'd donate $2.5 billion to St. Jude Children's Research Hospital. I'd donate $2.5 billion to Habitat for Humanity. I'd donate $2.5 billion to the YMCA. I'd donate $2.5 billion to the American Red Cross. I'd donate $2.5 billion to the American Cancer Society. I'd donate $2.5 billion to Planned Parenthood. I'd donate $2.5 billion to the Appalachian Trail Conservancy. And I'd donate my last $2.5 billion to PBS.

Every penny of it goes to funding pro-liberty movements.

[Yetibet]

If I can buy congress, wouldn't it be a good idea to install a majority in favour of taxing billionaires out of existence?

[Heloin]

I throw everyone on earth a pizza party.

[The Jamesian Republic]

I would buy the entire country of Liechtenstein since it is really small.

[Stellar Colonies]

Time to go on the warpath against circumcision (amongst other things).

[Swedish-Norwegian Kingdoms]

Solve homelessness in the United States, buy Congress and remove the electoral college, and I would pay grad students 1000 times. I would put welfare programs and use every penny that I have left

[Kannap]

I throw everyone on earth a pizza party.

The good ol' management is trying to boost morale but doesn't want to spend money trick.

[Farnhamia]

I throw everyone on earth a pizza party.

The good ol' management is trying to boost morale but doesn't want to spend money trick.

And they wander around the party pretending to actually care who each and every employee is.

To paraphrase Leonard Nimoy, I am not Bezos.

[Paddy O Fernature]

Put it in the bank and live off the interest generated.

[Swedish-Norwegian Kingdoms]

Put it in the bank and live off the interest generated.

You cannot invest it, you may not keep it, and you cannot earn more of it.

[Farnhamia]

Put it in the bank and live off the interest generated.

Put it in the company Christmas account.

[Kannap]

I would buy the entire country of Liechtenstein since it is really small.

Once upon a time, you could rent the entire country via Airbnb for $70,000 per night.

[Kannap]

Put it in the bank and live off the interest generated.

Sensible answer, but the purpose of the hypothetical is you have to spend it all.

[Swedish-Norwegian Kingdoms]

Alternate plan: Use it to simp on the woman that I like

[Solarampa]

I shall by every type of hair gain product possible

[Paddy O Fernature]

Put it in the bank and live off the interest generated.

You cannot invest it, you may not keep it, and you cannot earn more of it.

Then ill spend it on the most expensive bonfire imaginable.

[Farnhamia]

Put it in the bank and live off the interest generated.

Sensible answer, but the purpose of the hypothetical is you have to spend it all.

Can I put Tubs O' Cash on street corners or do I have to actually buy something?

[Ikania]

Give all of the money to Rob Lowe.

I don't know why, I just feel like he could use it.

[Farnhamia]

You cannot invest it, you may not keep it, and you cannot earn more of it.

Then ill spend it on the most expensive bonfire imaginable.

I thought of that, too.

[Kannap]

Sensible answer, but the purpose of the hypothetical is you have to spend it all.

Can I put Tubs O' Cash on street corners or do I have to actually buy something?

I'd count leaving cash in places for random members of the public to acquire it would count as 'spending' it, whatever gets you to zero dollars.

[Endem]

I wake up as Jeff Bezos?

Hmm, first order of the day is to solve baldness, everything after that goes into solving climate change, nuclear energy, and interstellar colonization

[Heloin]

The good ol' management is trying to boost morale but doesn't want to spend money trick.

And they wander around the party pretending to actually care who each and every employee is.

To paraphrase Leonard Nimoy, I am not Bezos.

I wish my answer was this deep but no, I just want to throw everyone a pizza party. I like pizza.

[Farnhamia]

And they wander around the party pretending to actually care who each and every employee is.

To paraphrase Leonard Nimoy, I am not Bezos.

I wish my answer was this deep but no, I just want to throw everyone a pizza party. I like pizza.

And what are we putting on the pizza?

[Radiatia]

I'd like to pretend I'd spend the money on honourable causes but in reality I'd blow it all on elaborate visual puns.