Humanity vs. All the Animals - Who Would Win?

[Thepeopl]

Since the house is already infested with animals, you would first have to escape...

I have a couple of spiders in my house. And they're way too smart to attack me.

And a giant amount of nematodes you don't know about. And silverfish, cockroaches, rats. Nowhere are you more than 6 feet removed from a rat. (In cities)

The OP clearly states that all animal life on this planet suddenly decides to attach humans. So your truce will not hold.

[Kowani]

I have a couple of spiders in my house. And they're way too smart to attack me.

And a giant amount of nematodes you don't know about. And silverfish, cockroaches, rats. Nowhere are you more than 6 feet removed from a rat. (In cities)

The OP clearly states that all animal life on this planet suddenly decides to attach humans. So your truce will not hold.

Bah, silverfish. All I need is a splash potion of poison and some iron gear.

[Ethel mermania]

Well I guess we gotta nuke the moon and send it crashing into earth. That should do it

I don’t think the physics of that work out.

Spoilsport.

Besides the moon is for chroming.

[Adamede]

Animals. Even if humans nukes the earth life would survive and come back.

[Esalia]

All animals? Yeah, we're fucked.

Plus, even if we win, we lose, since animals are pretty important for various ecosystems. So yeah, we're fucked.

[Ifreann]

It should be total human victory because humanity is the master race.

We have firearms (which are basically Zeus thunderbolt launchers) and much more. Tigers, lions, bears etc would be rendered irrelevant once we group up.

Look up the Emu War some time. Spoiler: The emu won.

The insects could cause a bit of trouble but not once we resort to chemical warfare. The biggest weapon of all is the human intellect and mind. I believe humanity would prevail.

Chemical weapons, famously not harmful to humans.

[Adamede]

It should be total human victory because humanity is the master race.

We have firearms (which are basically Zeus thunderbolt launchers) and much more. Tigers, lions, bears etc would be rendered irrelevant once we group up. The insects could cause a bit of trouble but not once we resort to chemical warfare. The biggest weapon of all is the human intellect and mind. I believe humanity would prevail.

Try shooting a swarm of bees.

[Borderlands of Rojava]

Well I guess we gotta nuke the moon and send it crashing into earth. That should do it

I don’t think the physics of that work out.

Fuck the laws of physics. Lets break the law.

[Borderlands of Rojava]

I have a couple of spiders in my house. And they're way too smart to attack me.

And a giant amount of nematodes you don't know about. And silverfish, cockroaches, rats. Nowhere are you more than 6 feet removed from a rat. (In cities)

The OP clearly states that all animal life on this planet suddenly decides to attach humans. So your truce will not hold.

There are literally mites running around on our bodies all the time, eating dirt and shit. If all animal life turned against mankind at once, we would probably be eaten alive by millions of microscopic mites and the human race would go extinct in a matter of a half hour at most.

[A Thousand Islands]

Scenario 1 or 2 is most likely, though I'd go for Scenario 1 as the more likely. Considering how easily things like rats, ants and other in insects and arthopods can get into houses if you're not careful, we'd all probably be dead within the hour.

[Neanderthaland]

Just imagine how many spider bites you would wake up to every morning.

This is a no-win scenario.

[La Paz de Los Ricos]

What if we form an alliance with the flora?

[Kowani]

What if we form an alliance with the flora?

With no bats, butterflies and bees?
Nope

[La Paz de Los Ricos]

What if we form an alliance with the flora?

With no bats, butterflies and bees?
Nope

Keep it secret. The pollinators don't need to know.

[Ethel mermania]

I don’t think the physics of that work out.

Fuck the laws of physics. Lets break the law.

Be careful, the mosquito battalion may hear you.

[Australian rePublic]

We're forgetting one important detail. Whilst some animals such as dogs, or cats, or pigs, dolphins or many other animals are quite intelligent, most animals don't have the intelligence to understand that they're fighting a war against us. What good is having the knowledge required to kill us if they're not intelligent enough to intentionally use it with the intent to wipe us out

[Nevertopia]

assuming the microscopic animal kingdom is involved and is actively helping the war against humanity, a superstrain of sentient, malicious ebola would probably do us in before we knew we were being attacked.

[Mordka]

I would pick Option 3 because it would result in a state of emergency and total martial law would be established.

[The Three Palins]

I have a couple of spiders in my house. And they're way too smart to attack me.

And a giant amount of nematodes you don't know about. And silverfish, cockroaches, rats. Nowhere are you more than 6 feet removed from a rat. (In cities)

The OP clearly states that all animal life on this planet suddenly decides to attach humans. So your truce will not hold.

The scenario is not applicable to creatures too lacking in brain to "decide" anything.

As the scenario also specifies that none of them becomes more intelligent "except in knowing how to kill humans" I'm assuming that doesn't apply to nematodes, because the bump in intelligence would require a significantly bigger brain and a clear differentiation of species from what they were before ... a currently non-existent species in fact ... not to mention that powering so much brain would probably lay the poor nematode flat on its back begging for more air and food.

"If an alien civilization were to take control of every non-human animal and turn them homicidal" would have avoided this definitional problem of "all animals" and the answer would be too easy. Team Alien/Animal would kill most of the humans within a few days. There would still be a few super-rich and world leaders, in bunkers, and providing they followed the Strangelove Rule they could repopulate if the animals for some reason regain their senses.

[Victorious Decepticons]

Humanity Fuck Yeah.

All of those quintillions of insects are nothing against our vast clouds of insecticide, ranging from puny Raid all the way to the instantly-unbanned DDT. The arthropod division would get a lot of early gains, but once we woke up (literally, from bed) and grabbed the can of Raid already kept next to it, the game would already be on the way to over.

Now, onto the food question. The factory farming that, under normal circumstances, is a horrible thing would become our meat supply saver. Chickens in such a facility, for example, are already in tiny cages that they're too weak to break out of. They also already try to bite the hell out of the humans who come to get them at harvest time. They stand no chance against mighty Tyson Foods, which would continue to process and deliver chicken meat without even a slowdown.

Beef is more challenging, to say the least. Currently, cattle only stay put in their feedlots because they're pretty docile and are content as long as the food keeps coming and their feet don't hurt. If they weren't docile, those puny fences that keep them in would be rubble in less than a minute. It'd be time for all hunters to go bananas and bag themselves freezers-full of beef, which they would have to butcher on their own while hoping no other cows came up on them and gored them. The same goes for sheep, pigs, and any other food animal that's big and strong enough to stand a chance.

HOWEVER, I'm sure that initial chaos could be controlled to keep the meat-based food coming. Automated barn systems, which already exist at some dairy operations, could be adapted and used for the entire large animal industry. Since these animals would never see a human - only the robotic parts used to actually interact with them - they would remain in their normal, docile states. By the time a human interacted with their bodies at all, they'd already be slabs of robotically-butchered meat.

As for wild animals, many of them currently exist because regulations and pro-animal groups interfere with hunting them all to extinction. A combination of eliminating all hunting restrictions AND a very good and valid reason for actively wanting to force them all to extinction means that they'd only exist as skeletons in museums after a few years.

Finally, there's the matter of dogs and cats. Many people own one or more, but far fewer have ones that are big enough to accomplish a one-bite kill. Cats and small dogs would stand zero chance against the average adult. The adult would feel the beast walking near them, especially if they're sleeping in a bed, and would wake up and fight back as soon as the pain of the bite was felt. Those who sleep on their backs may lose because that position fully exposes the neck, but for everyone else, it's not going to be nearly that easy for their former pet to just assassinate them in one try.

All of the animals attacking all humans would cause immediate chaos, but I'm sure it wouldn't take long at all until humanity, now unfettered by any moral qualms or regulations against exterminating and/or subjugating everything in sight, goes ahead and does it.

And that's my 200 cents.

[Calimama]

There are approximately 20 quintillion animals on earth, compared to humanity's measly 7.6 billion. I think the sheer number of animals beats us any day.

[Risottia]

5.
Animals have been trying to kill Homo sapiens in the last 2.5 million years. They fucking failed, because we're the ultimate fighters on the planet.
We are entirely able of committing speciecides and we have already done so, both on megafauna and microfauna, down to viruses. And we haven't just killed off silly inoffensive species such as the dodo, we've exterminated apex predators such as wolves, lions, tigers, sperm whales, to the point that they only continue to exist because we are actually putting effort into not killing them anymore - and maybe we'll end up wiping off them all anyway. We've hunted down to basically extinction stuff like bisons, rhinos, gorillas. Very likely we've wiped off mammoths back when our most advanced weapon was a stone-tipped wooden spear. We've almost eradicated dracunculiasis and we're are actually debating whether it is moral to wipe off entire genera of mosquitoes, because our ability to do so is already ascertained. All while fighting back diseases, fighting back droughts, famines, and fighting among ourselves.

We fight like hell. We are entirely willing to use weapons so horrible that they threaten our own existance on a global scale, something no other animal can expect to do. Our mind has produced weapons so deadly and simple that even one of our youngs can use them without a major effort to mow down an entire pack of predators. And when one of us is hit, we defend and cure him so he can be back in line, fighting, devising and producing new weapons. We're able to coordinate on a global scale in the matter of seconds. We can run faster, walk longer, fly higher, dive deeper than anyone else thanks to our tools.

AND WHEN OUR VERY GOD CAME DOWN TO SAY "HEY, STOP BEING SUCH AGGRESSIVE JERKS", WE FUCKING NAILED HIM TO A WOODEN CROSS AND SPEARED HIM TO DEATH.

[Australian rePublic]

5.
Animals have been trying to kill Homo sapiens in the last 2.5 million years. They fucking failed, because we're the ultimate fighters on the planet.
We are entirely able of committing speciecides and we have already done so, both on megafauna and microfauna, down to viruses. And we haven't just killed off silly inoffensive species such as the dodo, we've exterminated apex predators such as wolves, lions, tigers, sperm whales, to the point that they only continue to exist because we are actually putting effort into not killing them anymore - and maybe we'll end up wiping off them all anyway. We've hunted down to basically extinction stuff like bisons, rhinos, gorillas. Very likely we've wiped off mammoths back when our most advanced weapon was a stone-tipped wooden spear.

And all that was unintentional. Could you imagine the damage we could do if we intended to wipe out species?

[Senkaku]

Option 1 or option 3-- either way I'm pretty sure we'd exterminate all our rivals (we have nuclear weapons, machine guns, and DDT, it's a pretty straightforward problem to resolve), but the question is to what degree that would devastate the ecosystems that let us survive and maintain a complex society. If the biosphere implodes because we've wiped out an entire kingdom of life, we could be toast, but if our agricultural lands aren't too devastated we might be able to recover after a while.

assuming the microscopic animal kingdom is involved and is actively helping the war against humanity, a superstrain of sentient, malicious ebola would probably do us in before we knew we were being attacked.

Ebola is not an animal.

[Ard al Islam]

5, because we have the supreme advantage of, well, we know stuff. The animals would be clueless and just walk into whatever trap we set. We are also the only species that knows how to effectively kill every other species. They don't stand a chance. They have no coordination, no tactics, and no firearms. As for food, well, it would be no problem at all to kill enough animals that they aren't a threat and then just shove them back into submission.

Also, this video is relevant.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vTtjsVIPfMM

Of course, I'm slightly biased because I am a human-supremacist.

But here's the real important aspect; if animals gained the intelligence needed to fight humans, some animals would also gain the intelligence that they are better off with humans(dogs, camels, etc.). Think about it. If you're a dog living with humans, you have someone to take care of you. If you're a dog living without humans, it's a lot harder. So most domesticated animals would just ally with humans anyway. Maybe I'm just saying that because I really don't want to shoot my pets in the head like Old Yeller, but seriously, dogs learned that they were better off with humans thousands of years ago, back when humans had nothing going for them and it was better to stick with the other animals. Thousands of years and thousands of species wiped out later, the dogs made the right choice. I'm not even getting into other animals, the same points mostly apply.