The NSG Bulwer-Lytton Competition II: The Winner!

[Pax Nerdvana]

Thanks for running this, Arch! I wasn't expecting to be a finalist.

[Bombadil]

Thanks for running this, Arch! I wasn't expecting to be a finalist.

Ditto, specifically on thanks to Arch, a well run show.

[Grenartia]

Just throwing this out there, has anyone considered requiring monetary payment for votes to ensure they're more meaningful.. I haven't thought of a word for this system but I'm pretty sure it will work.



'It's the taking part that counts' was always a lie.

There is no participation trophy for Bulwar-Lytton, he said as he didnt even get a honorable mention even when plagiarizing classic literature.

"DRAT!" they muttered to themself, wondering why their utterly cursed sentence went unnoticed.

[Nobel Hobos 2]

Just throwing this out there, has anyone considered requiring monetary payment for votes to ensure they're more meaningful.. I haven't thought of a word for this system but I'm pretty sure it will work.

It's been possible for years to subscribe to NS. One gains a few small benefits like making more TG's at once.

The money goes to NS not to the mod running the competition, not much conflict of interest there.

But for one thing, I doubt Arch would be part of such a blatant commercial promotion.
For another thing, enabling voting only for some users (subscribers) would require code modification and a reboot.


Just vote for the one you like best, and accept that Dumb Ideologies is going to win because she's got the most friends.

[The Archregimancy]

Just throwing this out there, has anyone considered requiring monetary payment for votes to ensure they're more meaningful.. I haven't thought of a word for this system but I'm pretty sure it will work.

It's been possible for years to subscribe to NS. One gains a few small benefits like making more TG's at once.

The money goes to NS not to the mod running the competition, not much conflict of interest there.

But for one thing, I doubt Arch would be part of such a blatant commercial promotion.

I think Bombadil was joking; but rest assured that Bombadil's attempt to suggest naked bribery is as likely to conquer me as the One Ring is to conquer Bombadil.

[Bombadil]

It's been possible for years to subscribe to NS. One gains a few small benefits like making more TG's at once.

The money goes to NS not to the mod running the competition, not much conflict of interest there.

But for one thing, I doubt Arch would be part of such a blatant commercial promotion.

I think Bombadil was joking; but rest assured that Bombadil's attempt to suggest naked bribery is as likely to conquer me as the One Ring is to conquer Bombadil.

Ironically enough Xero paid for my no-ads-on-NS status for reasons I cannot recall.. having said that..

..can I have my £5 back then..?

Just vote for the one you like best, and accept that Dumb Ideologies is going to win because she's got the most friends.

I voted for Mr. Smithee's entry despite questions as to the strategic value of Prestatyn after King's Lynn.

[Dumb Ideologies]

Just throwing this out there, has anyone considered requiring monetary payment for votes to ensure they're more meaningful.. I haven't thought of a word for this system but I'm pretty sure it will work.

It's been possible for years to subscribe to NS. One gains a few small benefits like making more TG's at once.

The money goes to NS not to the mod running the competition, not much conflict of interest there.

But for one thing, I doubt Arch would be part of such a blatant commercial promotion.
For another thing, enabling voting only for some users (subscribers) would require code modification and a reboot.


Just vote for the one you like best, and accept that Dumb Ideologies is going to win because she's got the most friends.

Alternatively DI is too weird and awkward to have friends, an underappreciated piece of backroom furniture that occasionally needs moving into the main room and a bit of vote-based buff and polish to keep looking cheerful.

[Hurdergaryp]

It's been possible for years to subscribe to NS. One gains a few small benefits like making more TG's at once.

The money goes to NS not to the mod running the competition, not much conflict of interest there.

But for one thing, I doubt Arch would be part of such a blatant commercial promotion.
For another thing, enabling voting only for some users (subscribers) would require code modification and a reboot.


Just vote for the one you like best, and accept that Dumb Ideologies is going to win because she's got the most friends.

Alternatively DI is too weird and awkward to have friends, an underappreciated piece of backroom furniture that occasionally needs moving into the main room and a bit of vote-based buff and polish to keep looking cheerful.

Don't make me get on a ferry in the post-corona era in order to find you and hug you, because stranger things have happened.

[Grenartia]

Alternatively DI is too weird and awkward to have friends, an underappreciated piece of backroom furniture that occasionally needs moving into the main room and a bit of vote-based buff and polish to keep looking cheerful.

Don't make me get on a ferry in the post-corona era in order to find you and hug you, because stranger things have happened.

Post Corona sounds like some shitty ripoff of Post Malone.

[Nobel Hobos 2]

Most of them are funny, which is good writing in a sense. Some are outright jokes, including puns. I would keep reading such a book.

Forsher wrote:
As the heavenly bodies rose in the East, casting their gloried light over a rolling plain resplendent with the life of spring and the labour of the goodly creatures, from the littlest bee to the galloping horses, the armies that brought chaos, war and suffering to half a continent heaved and bellowed in a foetid stench of man, beast and metal, unaware of their impending destruction; for, as the armies stilled, that golden host crested the western hill, glittering in their fine satin underwear and gleaming with silver charm bracelets.

This is bad, very bad. Second place, since the humor of incongruity at the end comes close to working as humor. I would put this book back on the shelf.

Bombadil wrote:
D.I Max Strength dragged on his cigarette like he was sucking the last of the petrol out of a tank, his craggy eyes peered through warm rain that drizzled down like vinaigrette on a salad as he waited for the lady to return, a lady who both excited and frightened him, the combination of reward and hurt of a hot currry, like the best sort of sex.

Turgid, ugly and in the style of my least favorite fiction: crime thriller with gratuitous sex. I would not put this book back on the shelf. I would burn it.

[Nobel Hobos 2]

Alternatively DI is too weird and awkward to have friends, an underappreciated piece of backroom furniture that occasionally needs moving into the main room and a bit of vote-based buff and polish to keep looking cheerful.

Sorry DI. Would it creep you out if I said you have more admirers than friends?

[Forsher]

Most of them are funny, which is good writing in a sense. Some are outright jokes, including puns. I would keep reading such a book.

Forsher wrote:
As the heavenly bodies rose in the East, casting their gloried light over a rolling plain resplendent with the life of spring and the labour of the goodly creatures, from the littlest bee to the galloping horses, the armies that brought chaos, war and suffering to half a continent heaved and bellowed in a foetid stench of man, beast and metal, unaware of their impending destruction; for, as the armies stilled, that golden host crested the western hill, glittering in their fine satin underwear and gleaming with silver charm bracelets.

This is bad, very bad. Second place, since the humour of incongruity at the end comes close to working as humour. I would put this book back on the shelf.

Admit it, the only reason you don't find it funny is because lots of fantasy novels really do have characters dressed like that.

If you ever feel the need to imagine what the rest of the book would look like... there'll be lots of:

• [eye colour] met [eye colour],
• the [description, usually hair colour] [verb] [action], and
• endless pages of dialogue with no description and [character name] said as the only interruption.

Aren't I just an amazing writer?

In any case, I prefer the evil Google sentence. At least that had an interesting premise. That one is just generic fantasy... although I do like the phrase "goodly creatures".

[Ethel mermania]

It's been possible for years to subscribe to NS. One gains a few small benefits like making more TG's at once.

The money goes to NS not to the mod running the competition, not much conflict of interest there.

But for one thing, I doubt Arch would be part of such a blatant commercial promotion.

I think Bombadil was joking; but rest assured that Bombadil's attempt to suggest naked bribery is as likely to conquer me as the One Ring is to conquer Bombadil.

Drat!

[Northwest Slobovia]

I was kinda hoping for a dishonorable mention for my Bulwer-Lytton double feature:

It being the best of lines and the worst of lines.

While I appreciated the double Bulwer-Lytton allusion, I usually gave preference to entries that weren't direct literary references (sorry, Ethel); and particularly entries that didn't directly reference 'a dark and stormy night'.

You might have mentioned that.

I think Bombadil was joking; but rest assured that Bombadil's attempt to suggest naked bribery is as likely to conquer me as the One Ring is to conquer Bombadil.

Would well-dressed bribery work?

In any case, Old Tom has no need of trinkets like the One Ring.

[Ethel mermania]

While I appreciated the double Bulwer-Lytton allusion, I usually gave preference to entries that weren't direct literary references (sorry, Ethel); and particularly entries that didn't directly reference 'a dark and stormy night'.

You might have mentioned that.

I think Bombadil was joking; but rest assured that Bombadil's attempt to suggest naked bribery is as likely to conquer me as the One Ring is to conquer Bombadil.

Would well-dressed bribery work?

In any case, Old Tom has no need of trinkets like the One Ring.

It's all starting to make sense now.

[Hurdergaryp]

You might have mentioned that.


Would well-dressed bribery work?

In any case, Old Tom has no need of trinkets like the One Ring.

It's all starting to make sense now.

Which might be detrimental to your psychological condition.

[Bombadil]

You might have mentioned that.


Would well-dressed bribery work?

In any case, Old Tom has no need of trinkets like the One Ring.

It's all starting to make sense now.

Slanderous lies spread by Old Man Willow.

[Ethel mermania]

It's all starting to make sense now.

Which might be detrimental to your psychological condition.

Pfft, cant fall out of the gutter

[Ethel mermania]

It's all starting to make sense now.

Slanderous lies spread by Old Man Willow.

That was a great article

[The Free Joy State]

Congratulations to the top ten finalists. Very good bad writing all 'round; I'm enjoying reading them all again!

A very enjoyable competition.

Thanks to Arch for running it.

[The Archregimancy]

Just a gentle reminder that there's still roughly 24 hours left to vote; the poll will close on the 12th.

[Forsher]

Just a gentle reminder that there's still roughly 24 hours left to vote; the poll will close on the 12th.

Vote for Forsher! It's the longest bad sentence!

And, also, Nobel Hobos 2 is kind of right... the others are too good to win. That gravel sentence by CTOAN is hilarious. (Okay, Hurdergaryp and Bombadil's entries are at least as deliberately off putting, but this is trying to convince you to vote for Forsher's sentence. That Hurdergaryp's sentence is here is why I say NH2's only kind of right.)

[Nobel Hobos 2]

Most of them are funny, which is good writing in a sense. Some are outright jokes, including puns. I would keep reading such a book.

Forsher wrote:
As the heavenly bodies rose in the East, casting their gloried light over a rolling plain resplendent with the life of spring and the labour of the goodly creatures, from the littlest bee to the galloping horses, the armies that brought chaos, war and suffering to half a continent heaved and bellowed in a foetid stench of man, beast and metal, unaware of their impending destruction; for, as the armies stilled, that golden host crested the western hill, glittering in their fine satin underwear and gleaming with silver charm bracelets.

This is bad, very bad. Second place, since the humour of incongruity at the end comes close to working as humour. I would put this book back on the shelf.

Admit it, the only reason you don't find it funny is because lots of fantasy novels really do have characters dressed like that.

Honestly, I haven't read much fantasy and I didn't even recognize the genre you were defiling.

I read a couple of Pratchetts but wasn't much happier for it. Is Pratchett fantasy?

If you ever feel the need to imagine what the rest of the book would look like... there'll be lots of:

• [eye colour] met [eye colour],
• the [description, usually hair colour] [verb] [action], and
• endless pages of dialogue with no description and [character name] said as the only interruption.

Aren't I just an amazing writer?

A wincingly bad first sentence does not mean an eye-gougingly bad book. But I'm sure you have one in you!

[Forsher]

Admit it, the only reason you don't find it funny is because lots of fantasy novels really do have characters dressed like that.

Honestly, I haven't read much fantasy and I didn't even recognize the genre you were defiling.

I read a couple of Pratchetts but wasn't much happier for it. Is Pratchett fantasy?

Discworld, yes. Technically, the first ones might be considered parodies of fantasy, but they pretty quickly evolved into satires of the real world set on an increasingly modernised fantasy world. But there's wiz(z)ards, demons, gods, magic and heroes. Classic fantasy. However, most of them are not of the "armies gathering on the horizon" type (Jingo and Monstrous Regiment... maybe Thud, fall in this category; actually, Jingo, Soul Music and The Last Continent are the Discworlds to look at, imo, if you're willing to give Pratchett another shot).

Some of his other books might not be but aside from the Long Earth (sci-fi, definitely sci-fi) I can't think of any off the top of my head.

If you ever feel the need to imagine what the rest of the book would look like... there'll be lots of:

• [eye colour] met [eye colour],
• the [description, usually hair colour] [verb] [action], and
• endless pages of dialogue with no description and [character name] said as the only interruption.

Aren't I just an amazing writer?

A wincingly bad first sentence does not mean an eye-gougingly bad book. But I'm sure you have one in you!

I'm much better (albeit relative to a low base) when the (third person omniscient) narrator is a sarcastic little shit. Actually, it's amazing how many of those there are... Vanity Fair's actually quite like this too (I refuse to dress my characters in setting appropriate costumes because those were fugly is basically a quote).

Sadly, what I've been working on is fanfics that are trying to not be sarcastic. So, I guess, I'm making good process on the eye=gougingly bad follow up sentences.

[Pax Nerdvana]

Honestly, I haven't read much fantasy and I didn't even recognize the genre you were defiling.

I read a couple of Pratchetts but wasn't much happier for it. Is Pratchett fantasy?

Discworld, yes. Technically, the first ones might be considered parodies of fantasy, but they pretty quickly evolved into satires of the real world set on an increasingly modernised fantasy world. But there's wiz(z)ards, demons, gods, magic and heroes. Classic fantasy. However, most of them are not of the "armies gathering on the horizon" type (Jingo and Monstrous Regiment... maybe Thud, fall in this category; actually, Jingo, Soul Music and The Last Continent are the Discworlds to look at, imo, if you're willing to give Pratchett another shot).

Some of his other books might not be but aside from the Long Earth (sci-fi, definitely sci-fi) I can't think of any off the top of my head.

A wincingly bad first sentence does not mean an eye-gougingly bad book. But I'm sure you have one in you!

I'm much better (albeit relative to a low base) when the (third person omniscient) narrator is a sarcastic little shit. Actually, it's amazing how many of those there are... Vanity Fair's actually quite like this too (I refuse to dress my characters in setting appropriate costumes because those were fugly is basically a quote).

Sadly, what I've been working on is fanfics that are trying to not be sarcastic. So, I guess, I'm making good process on the eye=gougingly bad follow up sentences.

I really should read Discworld one of these days, considering how much I liked the Long Earth books.