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The NSG Bulwer-Lytton Competition II: The Winner!

For discussion and debate about anything. (Not a roleplay related forum; out-of-character commentary only.)

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Choose your favourite NSG Bulwer-Lytton Competition entry:

Poll ended at Sun Apr 12, 2020 7:12 am

Dumb Ideologies 1
3
9%
Dumb Ideologies 2
6
18%
Piraccas
1
3%
Cannot think of a name
10
29%
Hurdergaryp
5
15%
Bombadil
2
6%
Forsher
3
9%
Czechostan
1
3%
An Alan Smithee Nation
1
3%
Pax Nerdvana
2
6%
 
Total votes : 34

User avatar
Greater vakolicci haven
Post Marshal
 
Posts: 18617
Founded: May 09, 2014
Anarchy

Postby Greater vakolicci haven » Tue Apr 07, 2020 4:20 am

Julius knew that he should get out of bed but he wasn't really sure why: there was a nagging sensation in his mind, something he had to do, something...important, though for the life of him he couldn't think of what it was; sighing, he gave up on it and went back to sleep, the end.
Join the rejected realms and never fear rejection again
NSG virtual happy hour this Saturday: join us on zoom, what could possibly go wrong?
“I predict future happiness for Americans, if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them.” - Thomas Jefferson
“Silent acquiescence in the face of tyranny is no better than outright agreement." - C.J. Redwine
“The rifle itself has no moral stature, since it has no will of its own. Naturally, it may be used by evil men for evil purposes, but there are more good men than evil, and while the latter cannot be persuaded to the path of righteousness by propaganda, they can certainly be corrected by good men with rifles." - Jeff Cooper

User avatar
Voxija
Diplomat
 
Posts: 600
Founded: Jan 17, 2019
Civil Rights Lovefest

Postby Voxija » Tue Apr 07, 2020 1:44 pm

The Jewess had that sort of grim, terrible, horrifying, yet entrancing beauty that so many female members of her kind had, a striking beauty impossible to deescribe; she had obsidian hair like the raven, perfectly clear skin somewhere between ivory and mahogany, a curvy, voluptious figure, a nose that belied her Shebrew origins, and eyes that reminded one of the terror that male Hebrews evinced and the greed they so often displayed: eyes that made me feel that the Jewess was going to poison this narratator with desire, and then chew me up.

Please don't report me, this is supposed to be a bad sentence.
The Republic of Voxija (pronounced: Voshiya)
I'm female.
Oddly Jewish. Trying to learn French and failing. An American who wishes the US would switch to the metric system. Stroppy cow and proud of it. Secret pyromaniac?

my politics are confused and muddled
I did not create this friggin flag; it is the Basque flag, and I will not change my IC flag.
I'd rather be fishing.
I think that by now I've created more lore for my nation than most real-world nations have.
I actually don't speak Basque. I just think it's a cool language.

User avatar
Czechostan
Ambassador
 
Posts: 1007
Founded: Apr 23, 2013
Left-wing Utopia

Postby Czechostan » Tue Apr 07, 2020 1:57 pm

A documentary program on Marco Polo's travels to the East playing on a screen above his hospital bed, the would-be Orientalist adventurer named Edward heaved a heavy, sickly sigh, "born too late for the Age of Exploration, born too early for real-life waifus."
Last edited by Czechostan on Tue Apr 07, 2020 1:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
Greater vakolicci haven
Post Marshal
 
Posts: 18617
Founded: May 09, 2014
Anarchy

Postby Greater vakolicci haven » Tue Apr 07, 2020 5:13 pm

The tall man walked through the big and noisy city near the wet lake where the pretty fish swam all about and wondered why his range of adjectives was so bad, and wished he had concentrated more in the boring english class at the rubbish school.
Join the rejected realms and never fear rejection again
NSG virtual happy hour this Saturday: join us on zoom, what could possibly go wrong?
“I predict future happiness for Americans, if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them.” - Thomas Jefferson
“Silent acquiescence in the face of tyranny is no better than outright agreement." - C.J. Redwine
“The rifle itself has no moral stature, since it has no will of its own. Naturally, it may be used by evil men for evil purposes, but there are more good men than evil, and while the latter cannot be persuaded to the path of righteousness by propaganda, they can certainly be corrected by good men with rifles." - Jeff Cooper

User avatar
Northwest Slobovia
Postmaster-General
 
Posts: 12274
Founded: Sep 16, 2006
Anarchy

Postby Northwest Slobovia » Tue Apr 07, 2020 5:21 pm

Voxija wrote:Please don't report me, this is supposed to be a bad sentence.

No need. Arch will be by to check for finalists, and I'm sure he's perfectly able to employ redtext as he does.
Gollum died for your sins.
Power is an equal-opportunity corrupter.

User avatar
Voxija
Diplomat
 
Posts: 600
Founded: Jan 17, 2019
Civil Rights Lovefest

Postby Voxija » Tue Apr 07, 2020 5:41 pm

Northwest Slobovia wrote:
Voxija wrote:Please don't report me, this is supposed to be a bad sentence.

No need. Arch will be by to check for finalists, and I'm sure he's perfectly able to employ redtext as he does.

I'm just worried that some idiot will think the cruddy opening line agrees with my political views and report me without checking the topic of the thread. I really hope that opener doesn't get me in trouble.
The Republic of Voxija (pronounced: Voshiya)
I'm female.
Oddly Jewish. Trying to learn French and failing. An American who wishes the US would switch to the metric system. Stroppy cow and proud of it. Secret pyromaniac?

my politics are confused and muddled
I did not create this friggin flag; it is the Basque flag, and I will not change my IC flag.
I'd rather be fishing.
I think that by now I've created more lore for my nation than most real-world nations have.
I actually don't speak Basque. I just think it's a cool language.

User avatar
Rojava Free State
Post Marshal
 
Posts: 18831
Founded: Feb 06, 2018
Left-Leaning College State

Postby Rojava Free State » Tue Apr 07, 2020 5:49 pm

Voxija wrote:The Jewess had that sort of grim, terrible, horrifying, yet entrancing beauty that so many female members of her kind had, a striking beauty impossible to deescribe; she had obsidian hair like the raven, perfectly clear skin somewhere between ivory and mahogany, a curvy, voluptious figure, a nose that belied her Shebrew origins, and eyes that reminded one of the terror that male Hebrews evinced and the greed they so often displayed: eyes that made me feel that the Jewess was going to poison this narratator with desire, and then chew me up.

Please don't report me, this is supposed to be a bad sentence.


I too think Sharon Dubois is rather nice to look at.
political compass:

Economic Left/Right: -0.38
Social Libertarian/Authoritarian: -5.38
pro: marijuana, gun rights, private property

anti: fascism, communism, islamism, sexism, pan africanism, La raza, Warren Police Department (and most of the other police departments of metro Detroit except for Auburn Hills. They're aight), gun control, trump, obama, bush, clinton, reagan, carter, chipotle and snotty in crowd teens. Ugh I can't deal with them
Hurdergaryp wrote:Humanity keeps seeing itself as the crown of creation, but to this world we're a crown of thorns at best.


Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/invites/conta ... ent=82zr2h

User avatar
Rojava Free State
Post Marshal
 
Posts: 18831
Founded: Feb 06, 2018
Left-Leaning College State

Postby Rojava Free State » Tue Apr 07, 2020 5:51 pm

In a fit of passion and glory, the Albanian let out a loud victory screech and said "JESUS TAKE WHEEL!" Before letting go of his wheel and crashing into a propane truck, because while jesus can take the wheel, it doesn't mean he knows how to drive.
political compass:

Economic Left/Right: -0.38
Social Libertarian/Authoritarian: -5.38
pro: marijuana, gun rights, private property

anti: fascism, communism, islamism, sexism, pan africanism, La raza, Warren Police Department (and most of the other police departments of metro Detroit except for Auburn Hills. They're aight), gun control, trump, obama, bush, clinton, reagan, carter, chipotle and snotty in crowd teens. Ugh I can't deal with them
Hurdergaryp wrote:Humanity keeps seeing itself as the crown of creation, but to this world we're a crown of thorns at best.


Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/invites/conta ... ent=82zr2h

User avatar
Ethel mermania
Post Kaiser
 
Posts: 104986
Founded: Aug 20, 2010
Father Knows Best State

Postby Ethel mermania » Tue Apr 07, 2020 6:57 pm

Rojava Free State wrote:In a fit of passion and glory, the Albanian let out a loud victory screech and said "JESUS TAKE WHEEL!" Before letting go of his wheel and crashing into a propane truck, because while jesus can take the wheel, it doesn't mean he knows how to drive.


Sorry, I kinda want to read that. I want to follow jesus into a redneck bar where he drinks and complains why these yokels think a first century god knows how to drive.
The West won the world not by the superiority of its ideas or values or religion … but rather by its superiority in applying organized violence. Westerners often forget this fact; non-Westerners never do.

http://www.salientpartners.com/epsilont ... ilizations

User avatar
Farnhamia
Game Moderator
 
Posts: 105579
Founded: Jun 20, 2006
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

Postby Farnhamia » Tue Apr 07, 2020 7:46 pm

Ethel mermania wrote:
Rojava Free State wrote:In a fit of passion and glory, the Albanian let out a loud victory screech and said "JESUS TAKE WHEEL!" Before letting go of his wheel and crashing into a propane truck, because while jesus can take the wheel, it doesn't mean he knows how to drive.


Sorry, I kinda want to read that. I want to follow jesus into a redneck bar where he drinks and complains why these yokels think a first century god knows how to drive.

And the rednecks attack him but his posse takes care of them.
Wash Your Damned Hands!

Freedom ... or cake. ~ Ashmoria (RIP)
Make Earth Great Again: Stop Continental Drift!
And Jesus was a sailor when he walked upon the water ...
"Make yourself at home, Frank. Hit somebody." RIP Don Rickles
My country, right or wrong; if right, to be kept right; and if wrong, to be set right. ~ Carl Schurz
<Sigh> NSG...where even the atheists are Augustinians. ~ The Archregimancy
Now the foot is on the other hand ~ Kannap
RIP Dyakovo

User avatar
Bombadil
Postmaster-General
 
Posts: 13750
Founded: Oct 13, 2011
Left-Leaning College State

Postby Bombadil » Tue Apr 07, 2020 7:49 pm

Farnhamia wrote:
Ethel mermania wrote:
Sorry, I kinda want to read that. I want to follow jesus into a redneck bar where he drinks and complains why these yokels think a first century god knows how to drive.

And the rednecks attack him but his posse takes care of them.


..due to their expertise in Jew-jitsu..?

I really hesitated on making that one.. but rules are rules, if a pun is available I must, it's the law.
Eldest, that's what I am...Tom remembers the first raindrop and the first acorn...he knew the dark under the stars when it was fearless — before the Dark Lord came from Outside..

十年

User avatar
Farnhamia
Game Moderator
 
Posts: 105579
Founded: Jun 20, 2006
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

Postby Farnhamia » Tue Apr 07, 2020 7:51 pm

Bombadil wrote:
Farnhamia wrote:And the rednecks attack him but his posse takes care of them.


..due to their expertise in Jew-jitsu..?

I really hesitated on making that one.. but rules are rules, if a pun is available I must, it's the law.

Don't make me call Goldberry.
Wash Your Damned Hands!

Freedom ... or cake. ~ Ashmoria (RIP)
Make Earth Great Again: Stop Continental Drift!
And Jesus was a sailor when he walked upon the water ...
"Make yourself at home, Frank. Hit somebody." RIP Don Rickles
My country, right or wrong; if right, to be kept right; and if wrong, to be set right. ~ Carl Schurz
<Sigh> NSG...where even the atheists are Augustinians. ~ The Archregimancy
Now the foot is on the other hand ~ Kannap
RIP Dyakovo

User avatar
Cannot think of a name
Post Czar
 
Posts: 30559
Founded: Antiquity
Civil Rights Lovefest

Postby Cannot think of a name » Tue Apr 07, 2020 8:18 pm

Duck Duck Goose did not add the eluded to levity desired for the process of picking who would volunteer to leave the shelter and face certain death.
Everything for the cat.

User avatar
Cannot think of a name
Post Czar
 
Posts: 30559
Founded: Antiquity
Civil Rights Lovefest

Postby Cannot think of a name » Tue Apr 07, 2020 8:22 pm

The apparatus was six feet wide finger tip to finger tip and was made up of fourteen gloves attached on a metal ring that, when activated, people would brag about the length of time and speed of the rotation in regards putting their face in slapping distance.
Everything for the cat.

User avatar
Cannot think of a name
Post Czar
 
Posts: 30559
Founded: Antiquity
Civil Rights Lovefest

Postby Cannot think of a name » Tue Apr 07, 2020 8:24 pm

Carl was constantly answering questions like "How big was he?" or "How mean is she?" but no one ever heard anyone ask which is why no one liked Carl.
Everything for the cat.

User avatar
Cannot think of a name
Post Czar
 
Posts: 30559
Founded: Antiquity
Civil Rights Lovefest

Postby Cannot think of a name » Tue Apr 07, 2020 8:26 pm

He had been fired from his last job at a studio for asking, "But how do the sharks survive the tornado?"
Everything for the cat.

User avatar
Cannot think of a name
Post Czar
 
Posts: 30559
Founded: Antiquity
Civil Rights Lovefest

Postby Cannot think of a name » Tue Apr 07, 2020 8:28 pm

"You have change for a hun-do?" he asked over cheaper than he'd admit sunglasses to the girl running the lemonade stand.
Everything for the cat.

User avatar
Cannot think of a name
Post Czar
 
Posts: 30559
Founded: Antiquity
Civil Rights Lovefest

Postby Cannot think of a name » Tue Apr 07, 2020 8:31 pm

The wizard heard "Wait, this shit turns me invisible? I don't need you or anybody else ever again..." and realized too late that he had the wrong house.
Everything for the cat.

User avatar
Bombadil
Postmaster-General
 
Posts: 13750
Founded: Oct 13, 2011
Left-Leaning College State

Postby Bombadil » Tue Apr 07, 2020 8:31 pm

Farnhamia wrote:
Bombadil wrote:
..due to their expertise in Jew-jitsu..?

I really hesitated on making that one.. but rules are rules, if a pun is available I must, it's the law.

Don't make me call Goldberry.


Farnhamia woke bleary eyed from deep slumber, "last night's Mod Cave party was really too much this time", she moaned as the full force of the Jagermeister induced hangover struck her front temple lodes, she reached over and booted up the Mod Access Panel to see what travesties had occurred overnight, "Bloody Bombadil and his puns again, does he not remember I have Goldberry on speed-dial?", it was then she saw the Bananagrabber posts, "gonna be another long day" she sighed before loading up the ban cannon.
Last edited by Bombadil on Tue Apr 07, 2020 8:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Eldest, that's what I am...Tom remembers the first raindrop and the first acorn...he knew the dark under the stars when it was fearless — before the Dark Lord came from Outside..

十年

User avatar
Lamenia
Attaché
 
Posts: 85
Founded: Dec 21, 2019
Left-wing Utopia

Postby Lamenia » Tue Apr 07, 2020 8:36 pm

He sat there, done.

User avatar
The Archregimancy
Game Moderator
 
Posts: 24531
Founded: Aug 01, 2005
Democratic Socialists

Postby The Archregimancy » Wed Apr 08, 2020 12:24 am

Good Morning from Cairo.

Entries are open for another six hours or so; they will close somewhere between 15:30 and 16:00 Cairo time (UTC +2) today (8th April).

I may set an arbitrary limit of a maximum of two shorlisted entries from any one individual; some of you have really entered the spirit of the competition and offered multiple high-quality entries - but I want to share the love around a bit.

User avatar
Forsher
Post Marshal
 
Posts: 17167
Founded: Jan 30, 2012
Liberal Democratic Socialists

Postby Forsher » Wed Apr 08, 2020 1:20 am

As the heavenly bodies rose in the East, casting their gloried light over a rolling plain resplendent with the life of spring and the labour of the goodly creatures, from the littlest bee to the galloping horses, the armies that brought chaos, war and suffering to half a continent heaved and bellowed in a foetid stench of man, beast and metal, unaware of their impending destruction; for, as the armies stilled, that golden host crested the western hill, glittering in their fine satin underwear and gleaming with silver charm bracelets.
That it Could be What it Is, Is What it Is

Stop making shit up, though. Links, or it's a God-damn lie and you know it.

The normie life is heteronormie

User avatar
Dumb Ideologies
Post Czar
 
Posts: 42986
Founded: Sep 30, 2007
Mother Knows Best State

Postby Dumb Ideologies » Wed Apr 08, 2020 1:57 am

The misunderstood barely-pubescent human named Raven Nox outranked them all in power and mystery both, the ghosts, vampires, werewolves and demons sighed lovelorn.
Tʜᴇ Sᴛʀᴀssᴇʀɪsᴛ Sᴜɴᴅᴀᴇ Cʟᴜʙ ᴏғ Dᴜᴍʙ Iᴅᴇᴏʟᴏɢɪᴇs
¸„¤*˜*¤„¸„¤*˜*¤„¸ Use Culture War Snake Oil on all your stubborn political stains - if it doesn't work just add more! ¸„¤*˜*¤„¸„¤*˜*¤„¸
The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane ~ Marcus Aurelius
♆ P ᴀ x D I ᴀ ʙ ᴏ ʟ ɪ ᴄ ᴀ ♆

User avatar
Greater vakolicci haven
Post Marshal
 
Posts: 18617
Founded: May 09, 2014
Anarchy

Postby Greater vakolicci haven » Wed Apr 08, 2020 2:55 am

Beneath the wildly Coruscating Northern Sky we begin our tale, wherein we meet our hero; he does not know that he is our hero as of yet, for he has not yet been born and will not be for another 26 years...there now follows several empty pages.
Join the rejected realms and never fear rejection again
NSG virtual happy hour this Saturday: join us on zoom, what could possibly go wrong?
“I predict future happiness for Americans, if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them.” - Thomas Jefferson
“Silent acquiescence in the face of tyranny is no better than outright agreement." - C.J. Redwine
“The rifle itself has no moral stature, since it has no will of its own. Naturally, it may be used by evil men for evil purposes, but there are more good men than evil, and while the latter cannot be persuaded to the path of righteousness by propaganda, they can certainly be corrected by good men with rifles." - Jeff Cooper

User avatar
Cannot think of a name
Post Czar
 
Posts: 30559
Founded: Antiquity
Civil Rights Lovefest

Postby Cannot think of a name » Wed Apr 08, 2020 3:19 am

The wall had come out of nowhere, the fact that this was true was only the beginning.
Everything for the cat.

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