UK Politics Thread V: Upon This Blasted Heath

[Souseiseki]

"This is material that clearly society and the public can well do without. Its danger is that it obviously portrays homosexuality, and the more it’s portrayed, the more the ill-disposed may think it’s acceptable.”

"This is material that clearly society and the public can well do without. Its danger is that it obviously portrays violent killings, and the more it’s portrayed, the more the ill-disposed may think it’s acceptable.”

"This is material that clearly society and the public can well do without. Its danger is that it obviously portrays shitposting, and the more it’s portrayed, the more the ill-disposed may think it’s acceptable.”

man i love the vague bullshit that can be used to ban whatever the hell you feel like.

http://www.standard.co.uk/news/politics ... 47646.html

this is also amazing. tbh i'd love to actually have a candidate that is willing to tell the CPS or the met to fucking shove it.

[Elepis]

"This is material that clearly society and the public can well do without. Its danger is that it obviously portrays homosexuality, and the more it’s portrayed, the more the ill-disposed may think it’s acceptable.”

"This is material that clearly society and the public can well do without. Its danger is that it obviously portrays violent killings, and the more it’s portrayed, the more the ill-disposed may think it’s acceptable.”

"This is material that clearly society and the public can well do without. Its danger is that it obviously portrays shitposting, and the more it’s portrayed, the more the ill-disposed may think it’s acceptable.”

man i love the vague bullshit that can be used to ban whatever the hell you feel like.

http://www.standard.co.uk/news/politics ... 47646.html

this is also amazing. tbh i'd love to actually have a candidate that is willing to tell the CPS or the met to fucking shove it.

straight outta Kendal

[Wolfmanne2]

Because I'm sad when I get bored, I made a list of a fantasy Cabinet consisting of a government of all talents.The criteria is that you must either be an ex-Commons MPs or be at the twilight of your career as a MP.

Prime Minister – Ken Clarke (C, an unifying figure for the country, insufferably capable and generally easy to get along with)
Deputy Prime Minister – Harriet Harman (L, a more divisive hence why she isn't Prime Minister, but an immensely talented person who should be present in any Cabinet with a direct link to the Prime Minister)
Chancellor of the Exchequer – Gordon Brown (L, presided over the prosperity of the New Labour era and helped prevent a double-dip recession, all whilst having time to save the world)
Home Secretary – Tony Blair (L, if John Smith didn't die it's likely Blair would have developed into a cracking Home Secretary who would have 'tough on crime, tough on the causes of crime'. His zealotry means that he could be a reforming Home Secretary yet one who would also retain the favour of socially conservative attitudes. Also keeps him far away from foreign policy.)
Foreign Secretary – Douglas Hurd (C, did a capable job under Major, safe pair of hands)
Brexit – David Cameron (C, finish the job you cunt)
International Trade – Peter Mandelson (L, former Business Secretary and European Commissioner, this job is right up his street)
Chief Secretary to the Treasury – Ed Balls (L, came up with the single-best idea in New Labour - well, gives the minimum wage a run for its money - which was to give the Bank of England independence. Spent five years being right about austerity and has an immense talent for developing policy)
Health Secretary – Virginia Bottomley (C, far as I can tell the least controversial Health Secretary that ever existed. Safe pair of hands)
Justice Secretary – Charles Falconer (L, well-qualified and suited for the job. Introduced Freedom of Information Act. Although I fundamentally disagree with it morally, move to legalise euthanasia indicates reforming instinct)
Defence Secretary – John Reid (L, simply would be great to have in the Cabinet plus anyone who can win over military leaders whilst making cuts is outstanding in my books)
Business Secretary – Vince Cable (LD, predicated the financial crash when Labour and Tories were pretending that boom and bust had ended. Did a fairly good job at Business Secretary, barring the botched Royal Mail privatisation)
Education Secretary – Andrew Adonis (L, introduced the academy program which has for the most part been successful. Not as radical as Michael Gove and actually presided over a great improvement in education)
Work and Pensions Secretary – Frank Field (L, 40% of what he says is right, 40% of what he says is wrong and 20% is just batshit crazy. But his heat is in the right place when it comes to this portfolio)
Transport Secretary – John Prescott (L, for tha lulz and because he'd focus on renationalising the rails)
International Development – Glenys Kinnock (L, experienced with foreign affairs and with regions in particular need of international development)
Environment- Food and Rural Affairs – Tim Yeo (C, has interesting ideas on the environment)
Communities and Local Government – Sir Eric Pickles (C, safe pair of hands)
Culture Secretary – Tessa Jowell (L, oversaw preparations for the Olympics and won't privatise the BBC)
Scottish Secretary – Sir Malcolm Rifkind (C, was a Scottish Conservative MP, respectable elder statesman to oversee relations with the new devolved Scotland)
Welsh Secretary – Peter Hain (L, he's Welsh and was mildly competent)
Northern Ireland Secretary – Margaret Beckett (L, her pacifistic instincts makes her suited to the position of NI secretary)
Leader of the House of Commons – William Hague (C, elder statesman to bring some respectability to the Clarke governments)
Chief Whip - Michael Gove (C, I mean his career is over right and someone compared him to Tyrion Lannister so I can include him)

In total, we have 13 Labour MPs, 8 Tories and 1 Liberal Democrat.

EDIT: Revised version after Arch's criticism + me wanting to stick Reid at Home Secretary. Titles added where relevant.

Prime Minister – Ken Clarke (C, an unifying figure for the country, insufferably capable and generally easy to get along with)
Deputy Prime Minister – Harriet Harman (L, a more divisive hence why she isn't Prime Minister, but an immensely talented person who should be present in any Cabinet with a direct link to the Prime Minister)
Chancellor of the Exchequer – Gordon Brown (L, presided over the prosperity of the New Labour era and helped prevent a double-dip recession, all whilst having time to save the world)
Home Secretary – Lord John Reid (L, did a cracking job with Northern Ireland in the early 2000s and was formidable in the fight against terrorism in the mid 2000s)
Foreign Secretary – Lord Douglas Hurd (C, did a capable job under Major, safe pair of hands)
Brexit – David Cameron (C, finish the job you cunt)
International Trade – Lord Peter Mandelson (L, former Business Secretary and European Commissioner, this job is right up his street)
Chief Secretary to the Treasury – Ed Balls (L, came up with the single-best idea in New Labour - well, gives the minimum wage a run for its money - which was to give the Bank of England independence. Spent five years being right about austerity and has an immense talent for developing policy)
Health Secretary – Baroness Virginia Bottomley (C, far as I can tell the least controversial Health Secretary that ever existed. Safe pair of hands)
Justice Secretary – Lord Charles Falconer (L, well-qualified and suited for the job. Introduced Freedom of Information Act. Although I fundamentally disagree with it morally, move to legalise euthanasia indicates reforming instinct)
Defence Secretary – Lord Paddy Ashdown (LD, nuff said)
Business Secretary – Sir Vince Cable (LD, predicated the financial crash when Labour and Tories were pretending that boom and bust had ended. Did a fairly good job at Business Secretary, barring the botched Royal Mail privatisation)
Education Secretary – Tony Blair (L, Education, Education, Education)
Work and Pensions Secretary – Frank Field (L, 40% of what he says is right, 40% of what he says is wrong and 20% is just batshit crazy. But his heat is in the right place when it comes to this portfolio)
Transport Secretary – Lord John Prescott (L, for tha lulz and because he'd focus on renationalising the rails)
International Development – Baroness Glenys Kinnock (L, experienced with foreign affairs and with regions in particular need of international development)
Environment- Food and Rural Affairs – Tim Yeo (C, has interesting ideas on the environment)
Communities and Local Government – Sir Eric Pickles (C, safe pair of hands)
Culture Secretary – Baroness Tessa Jowell (L, oversaw preparations for the Olympics and won't privatise the BBC)
Scottish Secretary – Sir Malcolm Rifkind (C, was a Scottish Conservative MP, respectable elder statesman to oversee relations with the new devolved Scotland)
Welsh Secretary – Lord Peter Hain (L, he's Welsh and was mildly competent)
Northern Ireland Secretary – Dame Margaret Beckett (L, her pacifistic instincts makes her suited to the position of NI secretary)
Leader of the House of Commons – Sir George Young (C, long record of service at whip positions and also as Leader of the House, so very much suitable for the role)
Chief Whip - Jacqui Smith (C, for the record I wouldn't want her anywhere else)

In total, we have 13 Labour MPs, 9 Tories and 2 Liberal Democrat.

[The Archregimancy]

Because I'm sad when I get bored, I made a list of a fantasy Cabinet consisting of a government of all talents.The criteria is that you must either be an ex-Commons MPs or be at the twilight of your career as a MP.

I'm genuinely curious... why so selective about titles?

Why 'Sir' Eric Pickles and Malcolm Rifkind, but not 'Lord' Hague and Adonis? And isn't Lord Hague a rather odd choice to be Leader of the Commons given that, well, he's now in the Lords.

Also, Sir John Vincent Cable (Vince to his mates) has a knighthood.

And no Michael Gove anywhere under any circumstances, ever, thank you. Even the Tories here would likely agree.

Finally, in a government of 'all the talents' of former and fading MPs (you're presumably deliberately excluding nationalists), there's surely scope for some Paddy Ashdown somewhere; given his SBS background and Bosnia role, I dare suggest he's a better potential Defence Secretary than Lord Reid.

[Frank Zipper]

Prime Minister - Alan Johnson
Deputy Prime Minister - Nick Clegg
Chancellor of the Exchequer - Alastair Darling
Home Secretary - Roy Hattersley
Foreign Secretary - David Steel
Brexit - David Cameron
International Trade - David Miliband
Chief Secretary to the Treasury - Danny Alexander
Health Secretary - Ken Clarke
Justice Secretary - Harriet Harman
Defence Secretary - Paddy Ashdown
Business Secretary – Vince Cable
Education Secretary – David Blunkett
Work and Pensions Secretary – Gordon Brown
Transport Secretary – Sadiq Khan
International Development – Glenys Kinnock
Environment- Food and Rural Affairs – Boris Johnson
Communities and Local Government – Sayeedi Warsi
Culture Secretary – Tessa Blackstone
Scottish Secretary – Gus McDonald
Welsh Secretary – Neil Kinnock
Northern Ireland Secretary – Douglas Hurd
Leader of the House of Commons – William Hague
Chief Whip - Peter Mandelson

[EDIT] I missed out all the honorific titles ... but Paddy is my Defence chap.

[Wolfmanne2]

Because I'm sad when I get bored, I made a list of a fantasy Cabinet consisting of a government of all talents.The criteria is that you must either be an ex-Commons MPs or be at the twilight of your career as a MP.

I'm genuinely curious... why so selective about titles?

Why 'Sir' Eric Pickles and Malcolm Rifkind, but not 'Lord' Hague and Adonis? And isn't Lord Hague a rather odd choice to be Leader of the Commons given that, well, he's now in the Lords.


Also, Sir John Vincent Cable (Vince to his mates) has a knighthood.

That's a fair point, well I guess that's a case of partisan habit. In general I call 'Lord Falconer' 'Charlie Falconer' or 'Andy's friend' when I'm taking piss. Vince Cable has a knighthood, but I don't really remember him as someone who has a knighthood because (I don't mean this with any hint of disrespect for your party) he's a Lib Dem.

Far as I know there is no constitutional reason why Lord Hague couldn't be Leader of the House of Common, but if it is objectionable then Sir George Young could do the job well. I'd keep Hague in this fantasy lineup as Minister without Portfolio.

And no Michael Gove anywhere under any circumstances, ever, thank you. Even the Tories here would likely agree.

You're right. Jacqui Smith could be suitable for Chief Whip, though after her stint at Home Office I wouldn't want her anywhere other in that role.

Finally, in a government of 'all the talents' of former and fading MPs (you're presumably deliberately excluding nationalists), there's surely scope for some Paddy Ashdown somewhere; given his SBS background and Bosnia role, I dare suggest he's a better potential Defence Secretary than Lord Reid.

Oddly enough I myself came to the conclusion that I'd rather have Reid at Home Office and Blair replacing Adonis at Education, so having Ashdown there would make sense. He could be a just as able Foreign Secretary.

[Freefall11111]

Prime Minister - Alan Johnson
Deputy Prime Minister - Nick Clegg
Chancellor of the Exchequer - Alastair Darling
Home Secretary - Roy Hattersley
Foreign Secretary - David Steel
Brexit - David Cameron
International Trade - David Miliband
Chief Secretary to the Treasury - Danny Alexander
Health Secretary - Ken Clarke
Justice Secretary - Harriet Harman
Defence Secretary - Paddy Ashdown
Business Secretary – Vince Cable
Education Secretary – David Blunkett
Work and Pensions Secretary – Gordon Brown
Transport Secretary – Sadiq Khan
International Development – Glenys Kinnock
Environment- Food and Rural Affairs – Boris Johnson
Communities and Local Government – Sayeedi Warsi
Culture Secretary – Tessa Blackstone
Scottish Secretary – Gus McDonald
Welsh Secretary – Neil Kinnock
Northern Ireland Secretary – Douglas Hurd
Leader of the House of Commons – William Hague
Chief Whip - Peter Mandelson

[EDIT] I missed out all the honorific titles ... but Paddy is my Defence chap.

What's the reasoning behind David Cameron, Paddy Ashdown, and Boris Johnson?

[Frank Zipper]

Prime Minister - Alan Johnson
Deputy Prime Minister - Nick Clegg
Chancellor of the Exchequer - Alastair Darling
Home Secretary - Roy Hattersley
Foreign Secretary - David Steel
Brexit - David Cameron
International Trade - David Miliband
Chief Secretary to the Treasury - Danny Alexander
Health Secretary - Ken Clarke
Justice Secretary - Harriet Harman
Defence Secretary - Paddy Ashdown
Business Secretary – Vince Cable
Education Secretary – David Blunkett
Work and Pensions Secretary – Gordon Brown
Transport Secretary – Sadiq Khan
International Development – Glenys Kinnock
Environment- Food and Rural Affairs – Boris Johnson
Communities and Local Government – Sayeedi Warsi
Culture Secretary – Tessa Blackstone
Scottish Secretary – Gus McDonald
Welsh Secretary – Neil Kinnock
Northern Ireland Secretary – Douglas Hurd
Leader of the House of Commons – William Hague
Chief Whip - Peter Mandelson

[EDIT] I missed out all the honorific titles ... but Paddy is my Defence chap.

What's the reasoning behind David Cameron, Paddy Ashdown, and Boris Johnson?

I liked Wolfmanne's joke of making Cameron finish what he started.

Paddy Ashdown is a natural choice for defence, he was in the military (marines and SBS) and he has worked as an MI6 officer. So a good working knowledge of the military, and an understanding of international relations.

I think Boris is very bright, just too damn ambitious, so I have put him somewhere where his energy and talents can be used. Alternatively, it would be amusing to see what the lazy, sociopathic tosser did with it.

[Ifreann]

And build it in the Thames estuary! A floating capital!

I've been dying to see a floating city, would look futuristic as hell. Er heaven even.
Probably depends on who lives in it I guess.

Bankers, probably. Probably a lot of engineers, to keep it from sinking.

Build it on the coast of an underground sea and call it Fallen London.

The zee?
Love that setting.

The zee is dark, and full of terrors. What better place for a capital city? It'd deter invaders.

[Imperializt Russia]

"This is material that clearly society and the public can well do without. Its danger is that it obviously portrays homosexuality, and the more it’s portrayed, the more the ill-disposed may think it’s acceptable.”

"This is material that clearly society and the public can well do without. Its danger is that it obviously portrays violent killings, and the more it’s portrayed, the more the ill-disposed may think it’s acceptable.”

"This is material that clearly society and the public can well do without. Its danger is that it obviously portrays shitposting, and the more it’s portrayed, the more the ill-disposed may think it’s acceptable.”

man i love the vague bullshit that can be used to ban whatever the hell you feel like.

http://www.standard.co.uk/news/politics ... 47646.html

this is also amazing. tbh i'd love to actually have a candidate that is willing to tell the CPS or the met to fucking shove it.

Obviously a joke in front of a non-police audience, but "pity I wasn't in a meeting with the local police" is a great witty response.

[Freefall11111]

Tim Farron actually "reviewed" NWA quite favourably. I think he may secretly be the most gangster politician we have.

[Ifreann]

Tim Farron actually "reviewed" NWA quite favourably. I think he may secretly be the most gangster politician we have.

"I’m straight out o’ Preston" - Tim Farron

[Frank Zipper]

Really fucking annoying that the BBC News Channel interrupted an interview with Tim Fallon on the refugee crisis to cut to President Obama talking about the bombs in New York and New Jersey.

[The Nihilistic view]

That's got a weird picture in my head. Tim Farron and Michael Fallon as one person.

[Ifreann]

That's got a weird picture in my head. Tim Farron and Michael Fallon as one person.

Timicheal Falron.

[Frank Zipper]

Damn it, I only had two hours sleep. I'm pretty sure I just heard Hillary Clinton saying ISIS wanted to recruit more spiders to their cause.

[Elepis]

Damn it, I only had two hours sleep. I'm pretty sure I just heard Hillary Clinton saying ISIS wanted to recruit more spiders to their cause.

were there Isis spiders in your bed?

[Frank Zipper]

Damn it, I only had two hours sleep. I'm pretty sure I just heard Hillary Clinton saying ISIS wanted to recruit more spiders to their cause.

were there Isis spiders in your bed?

They're in the walls!

[Ifreann]

were there Isis spiders in your bed?

They're in the walls!

Craaaaaaaaawling in my skiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin

[Ostroeuropa]

I'd just have a referendum on it with three options and preference voting.

1. Status Quo
2. English Parliament
3. Devolved Assemblies

It'd drive up turnout to have more options, and means people would hopefully not contest the result.

Ugh not another toxic referendum please. Its basically gauranteeing anothrr dose of misinformation at this point seeing as we're apparently shit at regulating them.

A referendum where we ban politicians from commenting on it

[Angleter]

Prime Minister - Alan Johnson
Deputy Prime Minister - Nick Clegg
Chancellor of the Exchequer - Alastair Darling
Home Secretary - Roy Hattersley
Foreign Secretary - David Steel
Brexit - David Cameron
International Trade - David Miliband
Chief Secretary to the Treasury - Danny Alexander
Health Secretary - Ken Clarke
Justice Secretary - Harriet Harman
Defence Secretary - Paddy Ashdown
Business Secretary – Vince Cable
Education Secretary – David Blunkett
Work and Pensions Secretary – Gordon Brown
Transport Secretary – Sadiq Khan
International Development – Glenys Kinnock
Environment- Food and Rural Affairs – Boris Johnson
Communities and Local Government – Sayeedi Warsi
Culture Secretary – Tessa Blackstone
Scottish Secretary – Gus McDonald
Welsh Secretary – Neil Kinnock
Northern Ireland Secretary – Douglas Hurd
Leader of the House of Commons – William Hague
Chief Whip - Peter Mandelson

[EDIT] I missed out all the honorific titles ... but Paddy is my Defence chap.

Here's mine:

Prime Minister - Michael Portillo (Tory - a lot more reasonable, popular, and likeable now than 15 years ago)
Deputy Prime Minister - THIS JOB SHOULD NOT EXIST
Chancellor of the Exchequer - Lord Darling (Lab - among the least disastrous living Labour chancellors)
Home Secretary - Nick Clegg (LD - would hopefully bring out the best of the LibDems' reformist streak)
Foreign Secretary - Sir John Major (Con - there is, of course, precedent for defeated Tory PMs to come back in the Foreign Office)
Brexit - Lord Owen (Ind. - considered him for Foreign, but being a moderate, well-respected Brexiteer with foreign policy nous, he's probably best suited to this job)
International Trade - Peter Lilley (Con - this has always been his sort of speciality)
Chief Secretary to the Treasury - John Redwood (Con - someone has to keep Darling in check)
Health Secretary - Baroness Bottomley (Con - same reason as Wolfmanne, essentially)
Justice Secretary - Michael Gove (Con - if he counts; failing that, Ken Clarke)
Defence Secretary - Lord Ashdown (LD - probably the most appropriate person for the job)
Business Secretary - Ed Balls (Lab - Ed Balls)
Education Secretary - David Laws (LD - worked under Gove and Morgan)
Work and Pensions Secretary - Frank Field (Lab - think the unthinkable, Frank!)
Transport Secretary - Ruth Kelly (Lab - Heathrow expansion was originally her proposal; be nice if things went full circle)
International Development - Gordon Brown (Lab - a job that suits his two major passions of Africa and spending piles of cash)
DEFRA - Dame Caroline Spelman (Con - don't remember her buggering anything up in particular)
Communities and Local Gov - Lord Salisbury (Con - has some interesting ideas on devolution)
Culture Secretary - Ed Vaizey (Con - his career probably isn't quite over, but he was a good minister in this department)
Scottish Secretary - Lord Campbell (LD - Scottish, venerable elder statesman, favours some form of federalism/devo-max/FFA/'more powers')
Welsh Secretary - Mark Williams (LD - Welsh, no reason to expect he'd be a disaster, very little chance of ever sitting in another Cabinet)
Northern Ireland Secretary - Theresa Villiers (Con - annoyingly, both Mo Mowlam and Lord Mayhew are dead)
Leader of the House of Commons - Sir Danny Alexander (LD - the sort of person who'd probably support some form of reform as to how the Commons works)
Chief Whip - Norman Lamb (LD - likewise)

The following people should never be let anywhere near a Cabinet position: Blair, Mandelson, Osborne, Heseltine, Prescott, Burnham, Lembit Opik, Geoff Hoon, Chris Huhne, any of the Kinnocks, Clare Short, Estelle Morris, any New Labour-era Home Secretary.

Also, as a way of reducing the size of the House of Lords, any peer who refers to themselves as 'Lord/Baroness [First Name] [Last Name]' should be stripped of their peerage immediately. Especially 'Baroness Helena Kennedy', who does this all the time.

[The Nihilistic view]

Anyway why is Ashdown in it Wolf? Does the Queen need a "Lord Hat Eater of the Privy" or something?

[Lamadia III]

This is 'my' Cabinet;

---

BLUE= Conservative
RED= Labour
ORANGE= Liberal Democrat

---

Prime Minister: Margaret Thatcher

Chancellor: Nigel Lawson

Foreign Secretary: William Hague

Home Secretary: Michael Howard

Brexit Secretary: Michael Portillo

Trade Secretary: George Osborne

Justice Secretary: Amber Rudd

Education Secretary: Michael Gove

Health Secretary: Edwina Currie

Defence Secretary: Owen Paterson

Communities Secretary/ Scot,N.Ir & Wel Secretary: Airey Neave

Environment Secretary: Ann Widdecombe

Equalities Secretary: Nicky Morgan

Business Secretary: Michael Ashcroft

I.Devel Secretary: Norman Tebbit
(I am aware many positions have been left blank)

[Freefall11111]

This is 'my' Cabinet;

---

BLUE= Conservative
RED= Labour
ORANGE= Liberal Democrat

Prime Minister: Margaret Thatcher

Chancellor: Nigel Lawson

Foreign Secretary: William Hague

Home Secretary: Michael Howard

Brexit Secretary: Michael Portillo

Trade Secretary: George Osborne

Justice Secretary: Amber Rudd

Education Secretary: Michael Gove

Health Secretary: Edwina Currie

Defence Secretary: Owen Paterson

Communities Secretary/ Scot,N.Ir & Wel Secretary: Airey Neave

Environment Secretary: Ann Widdecombe

Equalities Secretary: Nicky Morgan

Business Secretary: Michael Ashcroft

I.Devel Secretary: Norman Tebbit
(I am aware many positions have been left blank)

Why even bother having a colour labeling system if you don't use it?

[The Huskar Social Union]

This is my cabinet:

All positions: GLORIOUS COMRADE JIHADI JEZZ THE JAM MAKER!