Tsaraine wrote:So I GIS'd Ted Cruz to see what he looked like, because of course one can form an accurate and comprehensive opinion of a politician and their policies based on the first image which pops up in Google Image Search.
This is a problem for Ted Cruz, because the first image that popped up was an unfortunate one - probably an official portrait, it depicts Cruz against the background of an American flag and the mottled blue-grey background of a photographer's studio. The presidential hopeful is attempting to smile, but failing; it looks rather like someone inexpertly tried to craft him a smile out of play-doh and plaster it across his face. It is the smile of a shark attempting to reassure other fish that it's a herbivore really. It's a smile which says "Please accept my insincere non-apology for finding out about the horrible things I did to that troupe of Boy Scouts; my lawyer says that if I manage to convincingly simulate contrition he might be able to plea-bargain my sentence down to only
one life sentence!"
Do I think Ted Cruz is actually guilty of flaying alive Boy Scouts, draping himself in their bloody skins, and performing profane rituals to propitiate the dread and terrible Aztec god Tlaloc, in an effort to bring much-needed rain to Texas? No. Almost certainly not. Probably not. It's possible he didn't. But based on my infallible "first image in GIS" psychological profiling technique, as President Ted Cruz
will sacrifice your first born to the bloody-handed gods of the Aztecs.
And then, in the interests of fairness, I GIS'd Hillary Clinton. Oh dear. That's ... also bad. Similarly pictured against an American flag and the backdrop of the photographer's studio, Clinton's smile looks insincere in an entirely different way. It is the look of a robotic infiltrator attempting to simulate surprise, hampered by malfunctioning facial actuators. It's a look which says "This - is - how - you - hu - mans - smile - affirmative - query".
Again, is Hillary Clinton actually an early-model Terminator, fresh off the line from Cyberdyne Systems? Will a new Clinton presidency usher in an age in which gleaming steel skeletons stalk across a blighted wasteland of human skulls? I don't know if anyone has ever introduced her to a German Shepherd. It's possible she's made entirely of meat like a real human woman. But, based on my infallible "first image in GIS" psychological profiling technique, as President Hillary Clinton
will have you ushered into the processing yards to be disassembled for parts.
To test the reliability of this method, I projected it backwards to predict the presidential career of Barack Obama. Obama wins a sort-of-point because the first picture to appear on GIS is not against the backdrop of a photographer's studio (although there's the requisite American flag framing the left side of the shot). He loses the sort-of-point because the backdrop appears to be the Oval Office, which seems somewhat like rubbing it in the faces of his opponents. Obama's smile does not look particularly insincere, though it's clearly not spontaneous; it's the smile of the junior partner in a law firm, having his photo taken for the company wall. The only suspicious thing is that his teeth appear to be
huge, raising concerns that he is in fact a werewolf.
Is Obama in fact a werewolf? I don't know, since I can't be arsed to research whether the murder rate in Washington DC has peaked on full moons since January 2009. Suspiciously, Obama
does also have big ears, all the better to hear us with. Has anyone seen him wearing silver?
In short, it's entirely possible that President Obama is a werewolf, and that the 2016 Presidential election will come down to a choice between annihilation by rampant AIs or mass human sacrifice to bloodthirsty ancient gods. Fortunately, it's still early in the campaign season; we may yet see a merely human challenger appear.