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Virginia man killed trying to fight gorilla

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Sebtopiaris
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Virginia man killed trying to fight gorilla

Postby Sebtopiaris » Sat Jan 31, 2015 10:33 pm

http://www.theonion.com/articles/man-di ... =og.shares

ROANOKE, VA—Local claims adjuster David Seaborne, a devoted husband and father of three, died Tuesday at the age of 37 following a long and painful personal battle with a 512-pound eastern lowland gorilla.

According to his wife, Christine—one of the few people who was aware of his courageous struggle—Seaborne chose to fight the muscular, quarter-ton primate in private night after night in hopes of maintaining as normal a life as was possible for his family.

"In some ways, I'm relieved that it's finally over and David can be at peace," said a tearful Mrs. Seaborne, clutching at a recent photograph of her husband, most of his hair missing after being ripped from his scalp by the rampaging jungle beast. "To watch him seclude himself in that basement every night and know that he was about to be in an unimaginable amount of pain—it just became too much to bear."

"He fought that terrible gorilla with every last ounce of strength he had, but in the end, David's body just couldn't handle it anymore," Mrs. Seaborne added. "Every morning, he'd look at me with tired eyes and deep scratches across his face, and he'd say, 'Honey, I'm going to beat this thing.' God, he was brave."

Mrs. Seaborne said she's used most of her husband's life insurance payout to start the David Seaborne Foundation, an organization dedicated to raising awareness of those battling gorillas or other great apes. According to the foundation's website, the growing problem affects one in every 29 million Americans, and one in every 80 Congolese.

Although Seaborne never let on to friends or coworkers that he was desperately fighting for his life with a violent primate, many suspected that something was wrong.

"I noticed that David had lost a lot of weight over the past couple of months, especially when he came in with his arm torn off," fellow claims adjuster Kevin Delano said. "He also left work early a lot for doctor's appointments, or when he was just too weak to make it through the day. Still, with all he was going through, David never complained."

The few people who knew of his hardship said that, even toward the end of his ordeal, when Seaborne was often completely covered in feces, the gorilla never managed to rob him of his dignity.

Dr. Earl Patterson, the physician who treated Seaborne throughout his life-or-death battle, initially gave Seaborne just six months to live. Though the prognosis was grim, Patterson said that, with the help of powerful tranquilizers, Seaborne was able to beat back the gorilla several times, and his situation started to look more promising.

The gorilla, however, eventually stopped responding to the drugs and returned with a vengeance.

"If we had caught this thing earlier, before its growth got completely out of control, David would have had a much better chance of survival," Patterson said. "But after it reached the silverback stage, it was only a matter of time."

"I tried to make David as comfortable as possible, and even gave him a helmet, but at that point the most we could do was pray," Patterson added.

Patterson said that he has strongly urged Seaborne's wife to take preventative measures to protect the couple's three sons, aged 9, 12, and 15, from suffering the same fate as their father.

"Because these things tend to run in the family, Jonathan, Patrick, and David Jr. are in a very high risk group," Patterson said. "Realistically, though, there just isn't a whole lot that can be done. After all, that gorilla is still in their basement."


I don't know how this family got a gorilla in their basement, but this is really awful. I don't know how the authorities could just let this man die like this- it's tragic that nobody took the time to ask him what was wrong. I think that people should be encouraged to report to authorities if someone is in need of urgent medical attention such as this, so that innocent lives could be saved. More awareness on this condition would help prevent this from happening again. His family are right, though, in that he was much too young to die, and that he was a brave man to go this way with no help. Maybe a little too brave. My most sincere condolences go out to his family, who must be suffering a lot right now, and I feel really sorry for the David Seaborne, the victim of this tragedy.
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Yumyumsuppertime
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Postby Yumyumsuppertime » Sat Jan 31, 2015 10:35 pm

The Onion as a source? Really?

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United Marxist Nations
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Postby United Marxist Nations » Sat Jan 31, 2015 10:35 pm

Holy fuck, did you seriously just take the Onion seriously? It's a fucking joke!
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Stagnant Axon Terminal
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Postby Stagnant Axon Terminal » Sat Jan 31, 2015 10:35 pm

Help me jesus
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Rebellious Fishermen
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Postby Rebellious Fishermen » Sat Jan 31, 2015 10:36 pm

Haha!

Can't tell if trolling or mistake.

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Postby Fartsniffage » Sat Jan 31, 2015 10:36 pm

Stagnant Axon Terminal wrote:Help me jesus


That's probably what the guy said before finally being overpowered by the gorilla.

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Nuwe Suid Afrika
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Postby Nuwe Suid Afrika » Sat Jan 31, 2015 10:37 pm

I just... read through that all.. genuinely intrigued... I was... I saw interesting news for once... Then it hit me...


www.theonion.com


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Sebastianbourg
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Postby Sebastianbourg » Sat Jan 31, 2015 10:39 pm

:rofl:
The Onion mate; it's not a legitimate source.

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Kalifati Arab shqiptar
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Postby Kalifati Arab shqiptar » Sat Jan 31, 2015 10:39 pm

Well those goddamn commies had it coming. Better dead than a gorilla.

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Postby The Nation of Pen Island » Sat Jan 31, 2015 10:39 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Oh lord, this is funny..

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South Pacific Republic
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Postby South Pacific Republic » Sat Jan 31, 2015 10:40 pm

If I had a dollar for every time someone thought The Onion was a real news source... :lol2:

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Postby Discords Equstria » Sat Jan 31, 2015 10:40 pm

This is perfect... :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
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Postby Dakini » Sat Jan 31, 2015 10:41 pm

Well... at least you only used the Onion as a news source and not as a source to support your argument?

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Nanatsu no Tsuki
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Postby Nanatsu no Tsuki » Sat Jan 31, 2015 10:42 pm

According to The Huffington Post, this is from 2010: http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/333598, and they're sourcing The Onion so I'm gonna go with bullshit.
Last edited by Nanatsu no Tsuki on Sat Jan 31, 2015 10:45 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Empire of Narnia
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Postby Empire of Narnia » Sat Jan 31, 2015 10:43 pm

The Onion is a satirical website that posts fake news stories.

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Postby Nickel Empire » Sat Jan 31, 2015 10:45 pm

Was this a pet or something? This is confusing.
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Sebtopiaris
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Postby Sebtopiaris » Sat Jan 31, 2015 10:45 pm

This is fake? What?
I cried after reading this.
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Larthinia
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Postby Larthinia » Sat Jan 31, 2015 10:45 pm

BS. The Onion is fake.
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Nanatsu no Tsuki
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Postby Nanatsu no Tsuki » Sat Jan 31, 2015 10:46 pm

Sebtopiaris wrote:This is fake? What?
I cried after reading this.


It's a repost of something the Onion posted in 2010 or so. More than likely, a satirical fake article.
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Cascadian-California
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Postby Cascadian-California » Sat Jan 31, 2015 10:46 pm

I read a few sentences and asked... Is this another Onion article... Looked at the link and my answers were confirmed. Sharing the story and seeing who falls for it.
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Hetland 2
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Postby Hetland 2 » Sat Jan 31, 2015 10:47 pm

Sebtopiaris wrote:http://www.theonion.com/articles/man-dies-after-secret-4year-battle-with-gorilla,2836/?fb_action_ids=10203843689640730&fb_action_types=og.shares

ROANOKE, VA—Local claims adjuster David Seaborne, a devoted husband and father of three, died Tuesday at the age of 37 following a long and painful personal battle with a 512-pound eastern lowland gorilla.

According to his wife, Christine—one of the few people who was aware of his courageous struggle—Seaborne chose to fight the muscular, quarter-ton primate in private night after night in hopes of maintaining as normal a life as was possible for his family.

"In some ways, I'm relieved that it's finally over and David can be at peace," said a tearful Mrs. Seaborne, clutching at a recent photograph of her husband, most of his hair missing after being ripped from his scalp by the rampaging jungle beast. "To watch him seclude himself in that basement every night and know that he was about to be in an unimaginable amount of pain—it just became too much to bear."

"He fought that terrible gorilla with every last ounce of strength he had, but in the end, David's body just couldn't handle it anymore," Mrs. Seaborne added. "Every morning, he'd look at me with tired eyes and deep scratches across his face, and he'd say, 'Honey, I'm going to beat this thing.' God, he was brave."

Mrs. Seaborne said she's used most of her husband's life insurance payout to start the David Seaborne Foundation, an organization dedicated to raising awareness of those battling gorillas or other great apes. According to the foundation's website, the growing problem affects one in every 29 million Americans, and one in every 80 Congolese.

Although Seaborne never let on to friends or coworkers that he was desperately fighting for his life with a violent primate, many suspected that something was wrong.

"I noticed that David had lost a lot of weight over the past couple of months, especially when he came in with his arm torn off," fellow claims adjuster Kevin Delano said. "He also left work early a lot for doctor's appointments, or when he was just too weak to make it through the day. Still, with all he was going through, David never complained."

The few people who knew of his hardship said that, even toward the end of his ordeal, when Seaborne was often completely covered in feces, the gorilla never managed to rob him of his dignity.

Dr. Earl Patterson, the physician who treated Seaborne throughout his life-or-death battle, initially gave Seaborne just six months to live. Though the prognosis was grim, Patterson said that, with the help of powerful tranquilizers, Seaborne was able to beat back the gorilla several times, and his situation started to look more promising.

The gorilla, however, eventually stopped responding to the drugs and returned with a vengeance.

"If we had caught this thing earlier, before its growth got completely out of control, David would have had a much better chance of survival," Patterson said. "But after it reached the silverback stage, it was only a matter of time."

"I tried to make David as comfortable as possible, and even gave him a helmet, but at that point the most we could do was pray," Patterson added.

Patterson said that he has strongly urged Seaborne's wife to take preventative measures to protect the couple's three sons, aged 9, 12, and 15, from suffering the same fate as their father.

"Because these things tend to run in the family, Jonathan, Patrick, and David Jr. are in a very high risk group," Patterson said. "Realistically, though, there just isn't a whole lot that can be done. After all, that gorilla is still in their basement."


I don't know how this family got a gorilla in their basement, but this is really awful. I don't know how the authorities could just let this man die like this- it's tragic that nobody took the time to ask him what was wrong. I think that people should be encouraged to report to authorities if someone is in need of urgent medical attention such as this, so that innocent lives could be saved. More awareness on this condition would help prevent this from happening again. His family are right, though, in that he was much too young to die, and that he was a brave man to go this way with no help. Maybe a little too brave. My most sincere condolences go out to his family, who must be suffering a lot right now, and I feel really sorry for the David Seaborne, the victim of this tragedy.


:rofl: OH MY GOD! THIS IS FUCKING BEAUTIFUL! Someone legitimately took the onion seriously! God, I gotta tell the others.
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Sebtopiaris
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Postby Sebtopiaris » Sat Jan 31, 2015 10:47 pm

Nanatsu no Tsuki wrote:
Sebtopiaris wrote:This is fake? What?
I cried after reading this.


It's a repost of something the Onion posted in 2010 or so. More than likely, a satirical fake article.

But there hasn't been a thread on this yet.
And how is the onion fake? It says at the top that it's America's finest news source, and it looks like it has loads of great stuff.
Sebtopiaris is a culturally and ethnically Mediterranean, single-party democratic socialist state in the New Warsaw Pact with a population of 39 million Sebtopiariots. Sebtopiaris and its IC actions do not represent my personal beliefs, and Sebtopiaris's overview page does not represent much at all.

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Eastern Equestria
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Postby Eastern Equestria » Sat Jan 31, 2015 10:48 pm

Sebtopiaris wrote:This is fake? What?
I cried after reading this.


lel

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The Conez Imperium
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Postby The Conez Imperium » Sat Jan 31, 2015 10:48 pm

Nuwe Suid Afrika wrote:I just... read through that all.. genuinely intrigued... I was... I saw interesting news for once... Then it hit me...


http://www.theonion.com


Hmm, was one the same boat...
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