Shellfish
The very thought of them is disgusting is it not? Not only that but to eat them is wholy unnatural. Lobsters aren't found in Africa; I've never seen a single scientific studdy which showed that men are supposed to eat crab, and indeed doing so is entirely a result of our modern hedonistic society. It's true that in ancient times men knew not to eat shellfish, and to punish those among them who did. Studdies have even shown that God was wise in prohibiting them thus, and he has rained his justice down upon those who would refuse his will: Cholera, Botchulism; the shellfish-eating plagues.
Eating shellfish is an afront to all good Americans, and those who are actively trying to subvert our culture. They run commercials for Red Lobster at peak prime-time hours, and shows such as 'deadliest catch' to seduce our youth by making the 'shellfish lifestyle' seem thrilling and "cool."
Indeed there is no escaping it. Shellfish eating used to be restricted to dens of sin such as Red Lobster and Long John Silvers, but now days I cannot even take my children to a public restaurant anymore (even the supposedly "family friendly ones") without risking their having to watch some deranged individual flaunting his sin, and -I- am told to leave when I ask, politely, for him to please keep his lifestyle private. They run adds in newspapers, on public busses, and throughout the godless internet. They are even trying to subvert our education system by telling children that eating shellfish is perfectly healthy if done "safely," that it is not unnatural, and that people who do so are not evil. If we don't stand up against these headons now, what will happen to the next generation?
That's why I am proposing that all good Godfearing Americans join forces and propose legislation to thwart the Pro-Shellfish agenda. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to introduce religion into the government - even though this nation was founded on Christian ideals - or force anyone to do anything. I hate the sin, not the sinner, and it must be their decision to embrase Christ and abandon their wicked dietary habits. Instead, I propose only that we act to preserve traditional values, by constitutionally defining a restaurant as an institution that serves non-shellfish only.
Those who wish to persue their godless ways will still be allowed to. We will create seperate, but equal, "Civil Eateries," where they can eat whatever horrid things they like. This we must do, for the preservation of our morals, our society, and our children. America depends upon it, god bless!
excellent satire! 
