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Civil Eatery

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FreeAgency
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Civil Eatery

Postby FreeAgency » Fri Dec 11, 2009 3:23 pm

Shellfish

The very thought of them is disgusting is it not? Not only that but to eat them is wholy unnatural. Lobsters aren't found in Africa; I've never seen a single scientific studdy which showed that men are supposed to eat crab, and indeed doing so is entirely a result of our modern hedonistic society. It's true that in ancient times men knew not to eat shellfish, and to punish those among them who did. Studdies have even shown that God was wise in prohibiting them thus, and he has rained his justice down upon those who would refuse his will: Cholera, Botchulism; the shellfish-eating plagues.

Eating shellfish is an afront to all good Americans, and those who are actively trying to subvert our culture. They run commercials for Red Lobster at peak prime-time hours, and shows such as 'deadliest catch' to seduce our youth by making the 'shellfish lifestyle' seem thrilling and "cool."

Indeed there is no escaping it. Shellfish eating used to be restricted to dens of sin such as Red Lobster and Long John Silvers, but now days I cannot even take my children to a public restaurant anymore (even the supposedly "family friendly ones") without risking their having to watch some deranged individual flaunting his sin, and -I- am told to leave when I ask, politely, for him to please keep his lifestyle private. They run adds in newspapers, on public busses, and throughout the godless internet. They are even trying to subvert our education system by telling children that eating shellfish is perfectly healthy if done "safely," that it is not unnatural, and that people who do so are not evil. If we don't stand up against these headons now, what will happen to the next generation?

That's why I am proposing that all good Godfearing Americans join forces and propose legislation to thwart the Pro-Shellfish agenda. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to introduce religion into the government - even though this nation was founded on Christian ideals - or force anyone to do anything. I hate the sin, not the sinner, and it must be their decision to embrase Christ and abandon their wicked dietary habits. Instead, I propose only that we act to preserve traditional values, by constitutionally defining a restaurant as an institution that serves non-shellfish only.

Those who wish to persue their godless ways will still be allowed to. We will create seperate, but equal, "Civil Eateries," where they can eat whatever horrid things they like. This we must do, for the preservation of our morals, our society, and our children. America depends upon it, god bless!
Last edited by FreeAgency on Fri Dec 11, 2009 3:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Rejistania
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Postby Rejistania » Fri Dec 11, 2009 3:37 pm

:rofl: excellent satire! :rofl:
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FreeAgency
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Postby FreeAgency » Fri Dec 11, 2009 3:42 pm

Rejistania wrote::rofl: excellent satire! :rofl:


What ever do you mean? ;)
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Vectrova
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Postby Vectrova » Fri Dec 11, 2009 3:56 pm

10/10, would read again. Cool satire, bro.
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Redwulf
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Postby Redwulf » Fri Dec 11, 2009 4:10 pm

You made me hungry. Now I have to go have some shrimp.
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Chrobalta
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Postby Chrobalta » Fri Dec 11, 2009 4:11 pm

Hey!!! It is a friday night, how about we all take a NSG road trip down to Red Lobster?
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Saige Dragon
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Postby Saige Dragon » Fri Dec 11, 2009 4:11 pm

Has anyone ever tried to eat a lobster in a civil manner? Damn near impossible...

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Nation of Quebec
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Postby Nation of Quebec » Fri Dec 11, 2009 4:18 pm

Please tell me that this is satire.
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Chrobalta
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Postby Chrobalta » Fri Dec 11, 2009 4:18 pm

Nation of Quebec wrote:Please tell me that this is satire.

No, he is deadly serious!!!
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FreeAgency
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Postby FreeAgency » Fri Dec 11, 2009 4:21 pm

Chrobalta wrote:
Nation of Quebec wrote:Please tell me that this is satire.

No, he is deadly serious!!!


Indeed. Deadly.







In all seriousness, satirizing the fundies is a tad tricky. I was convinced westboro was fake for longer then I'd care to admit.
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Tokos
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Postby Tokos » Fri Dec 11, 2009 4:23 pm

I thought this was satirising vegetarianism.
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New Kereptica
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Postby New Kereptica » Fri Dec 11, 2009 4:24 pm

Tokos wrote:I thought this was satirising vegetarianism.


It's not. That's silly.
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Andaluciae
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Postby Andaluciae » Fri Dec 11, 2009 4:24 pm

FreeAgency wrote:Indeed there is no escaping it. Shellfish eating used to be restricted to dens of sin such as Red Lobster and Long John Silvers, but now days I cannot even take my children to a public restaurant anymore (even the supposedly "family friendly ones") without risking their having to watch some deranged individual flaunting his sin,


Sigged.
FreeAgency wrote:Shellfish eating used to be restricted to dens of sin such as Red Lobster and Long John Silvers, but now days I cannot even take my children to a public restaurant anymore (even the supposedly "family friendly ones") without risking their having to watch some deranged individual flaunting his sin...

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Tokos
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Postby Tokos » Fri Dec 11, 2009 4:25 pm

Except it falls a little short as satire because eating shellfish is very very very very good for you.
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FreeAgency
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Postby FreeAgency » Fri Dec 11, 2009 4:25 pm

Tokos wrote:I thought this was satirising vegetarianism.

It can be that too, an author's works belong to the masses. There is no 'right' interpretation.
"At times one remains faithful to a cause only because its opponents do not cease to be insipid."

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New Kereptica
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Postby New Kereptica » Fri Dec 11, 2009 4:26 pm

Tokos wrote:Except it falls a little short as satire because eating shellfish is very very very very good for you.


So is gay sex.
Blouman Empire wrote:Natural is not nature.

KiloMikeAlpha wrote:Umm hmm.... mind if I siggy that as a reminder to those who think that it is cool to shove their bat-shit crazy atheist beliefs on those of us who actually have a clue?

Teccor wrote:You're actually arguing with Kereptica? It's like arguing with a far-Left, militantly atheist brick wall.

Bluth Corporation wrote:No. A free market literally has zero bubbles.

JJ Place wrote:I have a few more pressing matters to attend to right now; I'll be back later this evening to continue my one-man against the world struggle.

Mercator Terra wrote: Mental illness is a myth.

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Tokos
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Postby Tokos » Fri Dec 11, 2009 4:27 pm

New Kereptica wrote:
Tokos wrote:Except it falls a little short as satire because eating shellfish is very very very very good for you.


So is gay sex.


No it's not. Not by any stretch of the imagination. Even heterosexual sex is, at best, neutral.
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Cosmopoles
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Postby Cosmopoles » Fri Dec 11, 2009 4:28 pm

Tokos wrote:Except it falls a little short as satire because eating shellfish is very very very very good for you.


How is invoking God's Wrath very good for you? I can't think of anything that could be more hazardous to one's health.

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New Kereptica
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Postby New Kereptica » Fri Dec 11, 2009 4:29 pm

Tokos wrote:
New Kereptica wrote:
Tokos wrote:Except it falls a little short as satire because eating shellfish is very very very very good for you.


So is gay sex.


No it's not. Not by any stretch of the imagination. Even heterosexual sex is, at best, neutral.


http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article ... troke.html
Blouman Empire wrote:Natural is not nature.

KiloMikeAlpha wrote:Umm hmm.... mind if I siggy that as a reminder to those who think that it is cool to shove their bat-shit crazy atheist beliefs on those of us who actually have a clue?

Teccor wrote:You're actually arguing with Kereptica? It's like arguing with a far-Left, militantly atheist brick wall.

Bluth Corporation wrote:No. A free market literally has zero bubbles.

JJ Place wrote:I have a few more pressing matters to attend to right now; I'll be back later this evening to continue my one-man against the world struggle.

Mercator Terra wrote: Mental illness is a myth.

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Tokos
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Postby Tokos » Fri Dec 11, 2009 4:29 pm

Cosmopoles wrote:
Tokos wrote:Except it falls a little short as satire because eating shellfish is very very very very good for you.


How is invoking God's Wrath very good for you? I can't think of anything that could be more hazardous to one's health.


Obviously we're not going to let the Jews eat our lovely shellfish.
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Flameswroth
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Postby Flameswroth » Fri Dec 11, 2009 4:29 pm

I support the creation/classification of 'civil eateries'.

Why the heck should I have to sit by and listen as some glutton digs into lobster tail or a shrimp platter. It's disgusting, and needs to be separated from mainstream society.

If God intended for us to eat shellfish, why'd he make the shell so hard? Hmmm?!
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That is the gayest fucking shit I've ever heard, and I had Barry Manilow perform at the White House in '82.



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New Kereptica
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Postby New Kereptica » Fri Dec 11, 2009 4:30 pm

Flameswroth wrote:I support the creation/classification of 'civil eateries'.

Why the heck should I have to sit by and listen as some glutton digs into lobster tail or a shrimp platter. It's disgusting, and needs to be separated from mainstream society.

If God intended for us to eat shellfish, why'd he make the shell so hard? Hmmm?!


That just means you're supposed to eat them after they molt ;)
Last edited by New Kereptica on Fri Dec 11, 2009 4:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Blouman Empire wrote:Natural is not nature.

KiloMikeAlpha wrote:Umm hmm.... mind if I siggy that as a reminder to those who think that it is cool to shove their bat-shit crazy atheist beliefs on those of us who actually have a clue?

Teccor wrote:You're actually arguing with Kereptica? It's like arguing with a far-Left, militantly atheist brick wall.

Bluth Corporation wrote:No. A free market literally has zero bubbles.

JJ Place wrote:I have a few more pressing matters to attend to right now; I'll be back later this evening to continue my one-man against the world struggle.

Mercator Terra wrote: Mental illness is a myth.

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Flameswroth
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Postby Flameswroth » Fri Dec 11, 2009 4:35 pm

New Kereptica wrote:
Flameswroth wrote:I support the creation/classification of 'civil eateries'.

Why the heck should I have to sit by and listen as some glutton digs into lobster tail or a shrimp platter. It's disgusting, and needs to be separated from mainstream society.

If God intended for us to eat shellfish, why'd he make the shell so hard? Hmmm?!


That just means you're supposed to eat them after they molt ;)

Nay, for God hath commanded us saying:

And if a shellfish have an issue, and its issue in its shell be softened, it shall be put apart seven days: and whosoever toucheth it shall be unclean until the even.
Czardas wrote:Why should we bail out climate change with billions of dollars, when lesbians are starving in the streets because they can't afford an abortion?

Reagan Clone wrote:What you are proposing is glorifying God by loving, respecting, or at least tolerating, his other creations.

That is the gayest fucking shit I've ever heard, and I had Barry Manilow perform at the White House in '82.



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Cosmopoles
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Postby Cosmopoles » Fri Dec 11, 2009 4:41 pm

What exactly changed that made the eating of shellfish and other activities prohibited in the Old Testament acceptable for Christians to engage in now? Did God make a mistake - is he fallible? Or just indecisive? How come its fine to ignore certain provisions from Leviticus but not Genesis?

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JuNii
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Postby JuNii » Fri Dec 11, 2009 4:47 pm

easy. encourage the enslavement of shell fish. after seeing the fun hours that can be spent watching their silly antics, no owner would be able to stand cooking em up and devouring their flesh.
on the other hand... I have another set of fingers.

Unscramble these words...1) PNEIS. 2)HTIELR 3) NGGERI 4) BUTTSXE
1) SPINE. 2) LITHER 3)GINGER 4)SUBTEXT

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