Child Abuse Thread

[Aaraya]

Not sure if this counts but I think this is verbal abuse. My mom yells at me for no apparent reason at all and we'll be riding in a car together when she starts yelling at me and trying to smack me. I hate this. I have one little brother who is treated like royalty and never gets yelled at. She once called me a b***** and hit me across the face so hard that there was a hand mark there for 15 mins just because I look like my dad. She was abused by her dad but at least I have 3 more years until I go to college

Ouch.

Thanks
And everytime my family goes to a restaurant or in pubic my mom says little things about me and when I try to defend myself she goes off at me. Then she maybe hits me and justifies it by saying I deserved it. This has led to me not having a lot of friends because I can't go places without one of my parents. People always tell me that I'm going to be depressed later in life and whatnot if I don't do something about that, but I'm too scared to do anything

[Individuality-ness]

My mother used to physically hit me when I was a young girl. It was a slap on the face, the arms, the buttocks, etc for talking back, and then a beat down with a 2x4 or whatever she could get her hands on. She often took a look at my naked body after that, to admire her handiwork and tell me that this was something I deserved. I never broke a bone, but whenever there was one of these spells, there were numerous bruises, which were covered up by the clothes I wore day after day to school.

Whenever I really misbehaved, I was dragged out of the house and locked outside for a few hours. I distinctly remember being locked out of the house in the middle of the night for a few hours when I was around 4 or 5 because I was unable to discern what 9+3 was.

She often verbally called me stupid as well when I was unable to bring home the good grades she wanted. Because of this, I grew up introverted. I shut myself down from the world. I began to have periods of extreme self-loathing, all because I feared what my mother would say. Having Asperger's doesn't help matters either.

November 4, 2005, when I was in sixth grade, she hit me with a coat hanger. I don't remember the reason why, but that day, I walked into first period and started to cry. At that point, I was so miserable that I was threatening suicide. They dragged me over to the school psychologist and made me tell the school authorities what was going on.

That night, I was doing my history homework when there was a knock on the door. At the door was a social worker-- he was there to access the situation. He didn't speak Cantonese, so I had to translate everything he said to my mother. That was the most mortifying thing of my life-- telling my mother how I had reported this to the authorities.

Next came the cops. Two cops came at the door. They took pictures of my mother, the 2x4. They asked me to change into shorts to see whether my thigh was bruised from the coat hanger. I lied and told them that I had crashed into my younger brother with my scooter. Somehow they believed me. They took away the 2x4 and told my mother that she was to submit to future social worker visits.

After the cops left, my mother turned on me. She was seething mad, and she was ready to pounce.

I spent a good part of the night locked in the bathroom, crying and saying that I was sorry.

They say that I was a hero-- that I saved my brother from abuse. In my mother's eyes, I had brought shame.

Eventually, she lessened the physical abuse and nowadays, she only calls me fat. But the scars of this abuse are still on me. To this day, I am still in a mostly emotionless state. I am my own worse critic. I cannot be assertive, because I fear that I could lash out and become my mother.

And that is the sad story of my life.

Based on my observations, it seems that the fear of not being believed all too often keeps victims from speaking out. Don't blame yourself.

Your mother was right about one thing, however. You did bring shame- to her (and only her). And deservedly so. Its the least she deserves for what she did to you.

Yeah, I know. But I didn't want to tear family apart-- that's what would have happened if I told the truth. If I did that... hell would have been unleashed and worse.

[Pottslande]

Not sure if this counts but I think this is verbal abuse. My mom yells at me for no apparent reason at all and we'll be riding in a car together when she starts yelling at me and trying to smack me. I hate this. I have one little brother who is treated like royalty and never gets yelled at. She once called me a b***** and hit me across the face so hard that there was a hand mark there for 15 mins just because I look like my dad. She was abused by her dad but at least I have 3 more years until I go to college

Ouch.

I have one sibling, a brother three years older than me.
He could do no wrong, and I could do no right.

This turned toxic, because my brother realised that he would always be believed over me, so would go out of his way to start fights with me.

The punishment for fighting was furious anger and shouting from my 6'4" barrel-chested father (which was frightening enough), who'd then drag me by my neck up the hall, put me over the bath (pants down), and belt me 'til I couldn't breathe from screaming, with my sadistic brother getting to watch/listen.
Alternatively I'd be hit with a heavy plastic stewing spoon from the kitchen, until it broke (which would also be my fault).

Mostly I'd already be sobbing in terror and pleading "pleasepleaseI'msorrypleasesorrydon'tplease" before he'd even got me to the bathroom, it never once stopped him.

If I tried to defend myself (verbally), or assert that I hadn't started it, I was "answering back", the punishment for which was also the angry belt.

And at some point, because I was always fighting with my brother but denying starting it, my parents came to the conclusion that I was a pathological liar. So they just started assuming I was lying all the time, without even checking.

The punishment for lying was, of course, the belt.
Denying I had lied about something also automatically constituted a lie...

And every time I was told: "You know lying / fighting / whatever-pissed-me-off-at-the-time is wrong, and you know the belt is the punishment for doing that. If we don't beat you, we'll be failing you as parents."

Rinse, repeat, pretty much daily for about 14 years.


(I'm 38 now, and I can still remember that feeling of terror and desperation as he dragged me up the hall. It will never leave me.)

Considering the numerous studies that have shown the psychological damage hitting kids can do and the fact that I'm not in favour of exempting people from laws just because the crime was committed against their children, I maintain my position.

If you can name a better alternative to non-abusive physical punishment (like I received from my parents as a child) that is just as effective, I'm all ears.

There are several methods. Informing the kid what they'd done wrong, followed by a form of time out (not in the kid's room. They'll get a confused association). Kids hate nothing more than sitting still for a period of time, so making them do that as punishment can me more effective than spanking, because many kids can actually get used to spanking.

But I don't have much of a problem if parents wish to discipline their kids with spanking. It's just that, it seems most parents don't know when to not go too far, and being raised in an environment with a parent who always went way too far, I tend to want to encourage non-physical alternatives.

[Pottslande]

This study for University of New Hampshire seems to relate though:

http://phys.org/news173077612.html

[Pope Joan]

Americans are sensitive to the issue but tend to overreact to the wrong things. Let's concentrate more on physical and sexual abuse and less on verbal abuse, obesity, discomfort caused by poverty (no AC, no babysitter, cheap food).

And like the OP let's remember that women are culprits too, it's not just men.

[Zottistan]

My father was a raging alcoholic who regularly beat me shitless for no apparent reason. Once, he kicked me so hard I vomited blood.

[Pottslande]

Americans are sensitive to the issue but tend to overreact to the wrong things. Let's concentrate more on physical and sexual abuse and less on verbal abuse, obesity, discomfort caused by poverty (no AC, no babysitter, cheap food).

And like the OP let's remember that women are culprits too, it's not just men.

Oh, I knew that person would come in here. Congrats on being the first.

1) Verbal abuse can be just as bad, and worse, than physical abuse. It messes up one's mental state. It can cause symptoms of PTSD. Physical abuse only hurts for awhile, but mental abuse can scar for a lifetime.

And this topic is not about any of these other things. Please talk about them in another topic.

2) Considering that, as I stated in my topic, my abuser was my female parent, I don't see where I said anything that was not that.

[Zottistan]

Americans are sensitive to the issue but tend to overreact to the wrong things. Let's concentrate more on physical and sexual abuse and less on verbal abuse, obesity, discomfort caused by poverty (no AC, no babysitter, cheap food).

And like the OP let's remember that women are culprits too, it's not just men.

Oh, I knew that person would come in here. Congrats on being the first.

1) Verbal abuse can be just as bad, and worse, than physical abuse. It messes up one's mental state. It can cause symptoms of PTSD. Physical abuse only hurts for awhile, but mental abuse can scar for a lifetime.

And this topic is not about any of these other things. Please talk about them in another topic.

2) Considering that, as I stated in my topic, my abuser was my female parent, I don't see where I said anything that was not that.

Physical abuse hurts only for a while? And doesn't mess up one's mental state? Many historical psychologists agree that Josef Stalin's psychopathy and paranoia were both direct results of his abusive father beating him, and his mother, senseless.

[NMaa940]

Physical abuse only hurts for awhile, but mental abuse can scar for a lifetime.

drugs are bad

[Risottia]

1) How do you think the prosecution of child abuse is in your country? (as in, the country in which you live, not your NS country). Where I live at least, it seems that police will generally not listen to child abuse cases unless there's physical proof-that is, there has been physical or sexual abuse.

Eh. Dunno, the Italian authorities seem to be even excessively ready to respond to abuse claims - there have been several instances of people being prosecuted and tried for years before being eventually FULLY acquitted of child abuse.

2) What is the line between discipline and abuse?

Here there's a crime called "abuso di mezzi di correzione" (could translate it as "misuse of disciplining methods"). It leaves a lot of discretionality to both prosecutors and judges - basically, every single instance is judged on an individual basis. Which I think is the best option.

Is a parent spanking a kid different from a parent smacking a kid across the face?

Yes, the amount of violence is different. But other considerations apply, such as the frequence of spanking/smacking, the need for it, other non-violent methods having been tried, etc...

3) Has the definition of abuse changed over time?

Sure. Social standards change.

[Risottia]

Physical abuse only hurts for awhile, but mental abuse can scar for a lifetime.

drugs are bad

Why?
Bit spammy, looks to me.

[Second Japanese Empire]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wl9y3SIPt7o don't watch if you love children. and yes i know this video is old news.

[Risottia]

...no AC, no babysitter...

Wait. Not having air-conditioning and not having babysitters is abuse now? OMG I've been abused all my life.

[NMaa940]

Why?
Bit spammy, looks to me.

Well, if you do too much of them.

[AiliailiA]

...no AC, no babysitter...

Wait. Not having air-conditioning and not having babysitters is abuse now? OMG I've been abused all my life.

It could be neglect. Or even abuse.

The child doesn't get a choice about where to live (though I guess at later ages they have the option of leaving home). If the parent lives somewhere stinking hot and doesn't provide air-conditioning when they easily could ... or even worse, has it for themselves but denies it to the child ... I'd consider that neglect.

Or abuse, if it's deliberate to "toughen them up".

The distinction between abuse and neglect is an interesting one to me. Neglect could be inability of the parent to provide some thing, or it could be ignorance of the parent that the child has a need or right to that thing (emotional neglect included). But when we say "abuse" we assume the parent knows they're doing wrong by the child, or at least knows that others see it that way, and is doing it on purpose. One is a sin of omission (neglect) and the other is a deliberate act.

[Pottslande]

Oh, I knew that person would come in here. Congrats on being the first.

1) Verbal abuse can be just as bad, and worse, than physical abuse. It messes up one's mental state. It can cause symptoms of PTSD. Physical abuse only hurts for awhile, but mental abuse can scar for a lifetime.

And this topic is not about any of these other things. Please talk about them in another topic.

2) Considering that, as I stated in my topic, my abuser was my female parent, I don't see where I said anything that was not that.

Physical abuse hurts only for a while? And doesn't mess up one's mental state? Many historical psychologists agree that Josef Stalin's psychopathy and paranoia were both direct results of his abusive father beating him, and his mother, senseless.

Sigh, physical abuse is a part of mental abuse, and leads to mental abuse as well, I'm sorry I was tired and not in the mood to nitpick my own arguments, thanks for doing it for me.

[Grenartia]

Americans are sensitive to the issue but tend to overreact to the wrong things. Let's concentrate more on physical and sexual abuse and less on verbal abuse, obesity, discomfort caused by poverty (no AC, no babysitter, cheap food).

And like the OP let's remember that women are culprits too, it's not just men.

Verbal abuse is no less worse than physical/sexual abuse.

And I don't think I saw anybody ITT blame men more than women, or complain about obesity, or discomfort caused by poverty.

[Gidgetisms]

I'm sure I've spoken about this before, but....
My mother was anorexic when she was my age. Because of this, she seems to have these ideals that I never meet. She used to weigh me, starting when I was about 11, and berate my for weighing too much. I was never pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough. She always had little digs, like you're quite pretty with makeup on and the like. She'd yell, hide food, give my brothers anything and everything, but hold out on me because I needed to diet. I'm sure this was some kind of mental abuse.

[Risottia]

Wait. Not having air-conditioning and not having babysitters is abuse now? OMG I've been abused all my life.

It could be neglect. Or even abuse.

The child doesn't get a choice about where to live (though I guess at later ages they have the option of leaving home). If the parent lives somewhere stinking hot and doesn't provide air-conditioning when they easily could ... or even worse, has it for themselves but denies it to the child ... I'd consider that neglect.

Meh, lived all my life in the Po Valley, where we get horrifying humidity levels coupled with +40°C heatwaves in the summer... all we got was electric fans and they were quite enough.

Anyway, I see and understand your point.

About babysitters... no, can't see it entirely. Kids aged 6+ are perfectly able to stay home alone for an evening. I loved when my parents did... I got to play Lego and read books how much as I wanted to. Never hired a babysitter.
But yeah, in some cases, failing to provide continuous supervision to kids is evidently neglect.

[Samuraikoku]

The only thing I really have to complain about is that my mother made me write my school notepads again after school, because she didn't like my hand writing. So I had to waste every afternoon redoing what I'd done in school. Eventually she gave up because she understood the futility of her actions. But it was like having double homework for no reason at all.

[Grenartia]

It could be neglect. Or even abuse.

The child doesn't get a choice about where to live (though I guess at later ages they have the option of leaving home). If the parent lives somewhere stinking hot and doesn't provide air-conditioning when they easily could ... or even worse, has it for themselves but denies it to the child ... I'd consider that neglect.

Meh, lived all my life in the Po Valley, where we get horrifying humidity levels coupled with +40°C heatwaves in the summer... all we got was electric fans and they were quite enough.

Sounds like America's Crotch. AKA Louisiana.

[Dyakovo]

My mother used to physically hit me when I was a young girl. It was a slap on the face, the arms, the buttocks, etc for talking back, and then a beat down with a 2x4 or whatever she could get her hands on. She often took a look at my naked body after that, to admire her handiwork and tell me that this was something I deserved. I never broke a bone, but whenever there was one of these spells, there were numerous bruises, which were covered up by the clothes I wore day after day to school.

Whenever I really misbehaved, I was dragged out of the house and locked outside for a few hours. I distinctly remember being locked out of the house in the middle of the night for a few hours when I was around 4 or 5 because I was unable to discern what 9+3 was.

She often verbally called me stupid as well when I was unable to bring home the good grades she wanted. Because of this, I grew up introverted. I shut myself down from the world. I began to have periods of extreme self-loathing, all because I feared what my mother would say. Having Asperger's doesn't help matters either.

November 4, 2005, when I was in sixth grade, she hit me with a coat hanger. I don't remember the reason why, but that day, I walked into first period and started to cry. At that point, I was so miserable that I was threatening suicide. They dragged me over to the school psychologist and made me tell the school authorities what was going on.

That night, I was doing my history homework when there was a knock on the door. At the door was a social worker-- he was there to access the situation. He didn't speak Cantonese, so I had to translate everything he said to my mother. That was the most mortifying thing of my life-- telling my mother how I had reported this to the authorities.

Next came the cops. Two cops came at the door. They took pictures of my mother, the 2x4. They asked me to change into shorts to see whether my thigh was bruised from the coat hanger. I lied and told them that I had crashed into my younger brother with my scooter. Somehow they believed me. They took away the 2x4 and told my mother that she was to submit to future social worker visits.

After the cops left, my mother turned on me. She was seething mad, and she was ready to pounce.

I spent a good part of the night locked in the bathroom, crying and saying that I was sorry.

They say that I was a hero-- that I saved my brother from abuse. In my mother's eyes, I had brought shame.

Eventually, she lessened the physical abuse and nowadays, she only calls me fat. But the scars of this abuse are still on me. To this day, I am still in a mostly emotionless state. I am my own worse critic. I cannot be assertive, because I fear that I could lash out and become my mother.

And that is the sad story of my life.

Holy fucking shit.

[Individuality-ness]

My mother used to physically hit me when I was a young girl. It was a slap on the face, the arms, the buttocks, etc for talking back, and then a beat down with a 2x4 or whatever she could get her hands on. She often took a look at my naked body after that, to admire her handiwork and tell me that this was something I deserved. I never broke a bone, but whenever there was one of these spells, there were numerous bruises, which were covered up by the clothes I wore day after day to school.

Whenever I really misbehaved, I was dragged out of the house and locked outside for a few hours. I distinctly remember being locked out of the house in the middle of the night for a few hours when I was around 4 or 5 because I was unable to discern what 9+3 was.

She often verbally called me stupid as well when I was unable to bring home the good grades she wanted. Because of this, I grew up introverted. I shut myself down from the world. I began to have periods of extreme self-loathing, all because I feared what my mother would say. Having Asperger's doesn't help matters either.

November 4, 2005, when I was in sixth grade, she hit me with a coat hanger. I don't remember the reason why, but that day, I walked into first period and started to cry. At that point, I was so miserable that I was threatening suicide. They dragged me over to the school psychologist and made me tell the school authorities what was going on.

That night, I was doing my history homework when there was a knock on the door. At the door was a social worker-- he was there to access the situation. He didn't speak Cantonese, so I had to translate everything he said to my mother. That was the most mortifying thing of my life-- telling my mother how I had reported this to the authorities.

Next came the cops. Two cops came at the door. They took pictures of my mother, the 2x4. They asked me to change into shorts to see whether my thigh was bruised from the coat hanger. I lied and told them that I had crashed into my younger brother with my scooter. Somehow they believed me. They took away the 2x4 and told my mother that she was to submit to future social worker visits.

After the cops left, my mother turned on me. She was seething mad, and she was ready to pounce.

I spent a good part of the night locked in the bathroom, crying and saying that I was sorry.

They say that I was a hero-- that I saved my brother from abuse. In my mother's eyes, I had brought shame.

Eventually, she lessened the physical abuse and nowadays, she only calls me fat. But the scars of this abuse are still on me. To this day, I am still in a mostly emotionless state. I am my own worse critic. I cannot be assertive, because I fear that I could lash out and become my mother.

And that is the sad story of my life.

Holy fucking shit.

Story of my life. *shrugs* *hugs back*