Rape Thread [SAFE SPACE - Mod Enforced]

[Potenco]

Ive been told by some friends that when I have sex with a good person and actually enjoy it most of the issues and emotional difficulties will stop haunting me. I wonder if thats true or not because other than that I still consider myself a virgin. My whole conception of sex is very different now and I feel like that would change things, but I dont think the flashbacks will ever truly stop (luckily they are pretty rare these days)

[Shellinameow]

Ive been told by some friends that when I have sex with a good person and actually enjoy it most of the issues and emotional difficulties will stop haunting me. I wonder if thats true or not because other than that I still consider myself a virgin. My whole conception of sex is very different now and I feel like that would change things, but I dont think the flashbacks will ever truly stop (luckily they are pretty rare these days)

Here's been my experience with sex, and it may help to shed a little bit of light.

It's been a year, and for the most part I can't have sex without at least thinking about it. For the first while I would freeze up, shut down, and sometimes totally fall apart when someone tried to have sex with me, even if they were someone I was totally okay with doing things with. Over time, it's gotten better, but has never fully gone away. There are still some things I won't do, or some things I don't want people to say to me, or even some types that I won't approach or won't let approach me - no matter how nice the guy - but coming to the understanding that not everyone is going to try to rape you, or humiliate you the way that you were, is a big part of it. And also, finding someone who you totally trust and are completely comfortable around makes a huge difference. Being able to trust the person that I am with, and not feel used and feel respected are a huge part of it.

Do I think sex will ever be the same? No, and for me that's the truth of it, no matter how shitty. But, it does get better.

[Nimilia]

Ive been told by some friends that when I have sex with a good person and actually enjoy it most of the issues and emotional difficulties will stop haunting me. I wonder if thats true or not because other than that I still consider myself a virgin. My whole conception of sex is very different now and I feel like that would change things, but I dont think the flashbacks will ever truly stop (luckily they are pretty rare these days)

I think your friends are right, though it will take _some_ time. But the flashbacks will stop... and if they don't you can always ask for help from a therapist. You don't need to be a victim forever. I think it's important to remember that.

[Nailed to the Perch]

Ive been told by some friends that when I have sex with a good person and actually enjoy it most of the issues and emotional difficulties will stop haunting me. I wonder if thats true or not because other than that I still consider myself a virgin. My whole conception of sex is very different now and I feel like that would change things, but I dont think the flashbacks will ever truly stop (luckily they are pretty rare these days)

It's not a magical fix, but building good memories and good associations over the bad ones really does help a whole lot.

[Potenco]

What I do wish is that there was some kind of support group for guys in my position. I imagine all of the rape support groups in my town dont accept men (which I totally understand, I can see why women would be uncomfortable talking about these things with any man). Still it puts me in a pickle. My reconciliation though is I actually know alot of gay men who have been in similar situations.

[Shellinameow]

What I do wish is that there was some kind of support group for guys in my position. I imagine all of the rape support groups in my town dont accept men (which I totally understand, I can see why women would be uncomfortable talking about these things with any man). Still it puts me in a pickle. My reconciliation though is I actually know alot of gay men who have been in similar situations.

So do I. Depending on how open you are, maybe go to a local counsellor or something and look into starting one?

[Nailed to the Perch]

What I do wish is that there was some kind of support group for guys in my position. I imagine all of the rape support groups in my town dont accept men (which I totally understand, I can see why women would be uncomfortable talking about these things with any man). Still it puts me in a pickle. My reconciliation though is I actually know alot of gay men who have been in similar situations.

There are support groups that are coed or specifically for men - I couldn't tell you if there happen to be any near you, but they definitely do exist. If you can't find one in your area, poke around on the internet - I worked with a pretty cool online community for survivors for a while (sadly, that particular community is now defunct, since that's been, geez, almost a decade ago, but I strongly suspect there are other communities like it still around).

[Northern Dominus]

What I do wish is that there was some kind of support group for guys in my position. I imagine all of the rape support groups in my town dont accept men (which I totally understand, I can see why women would be uncomfortable talking about these things with any man). Still it puts me in a pickle. My reconciliation though is I actually know alot of gay men who have been in similar situations.

RAINN is very good at helping victims find support groups, and they're most definetly non-discriminatory. They're a great resource and the people that work there are truly compassionate and dedicated.
Assuming you're in the United States of America, they have a group locator on their website, here:
http://centers.rainn.org/

Or you can call them:
http://apps.rainn.org/ohl-bridge/

But there's help out there, more than you think.

[Potenco]

What I do wish is that there was some kind of support group for guys in my position. I imagine all of the rape support groups in my town dont accept men (which I totally understand, I can see why women would be uncomfortable talking about these things with any man). Still it puts me in a pickle. My reconciliation though is I actually know alot of gay men who have been in similar situations.

There are support groups that are coed or specifically for men - I couldn't tell you if there happen to be any near you, but they definitely do exist. If you can't find one in your area, poke around on the internet - I worked with a pretty cool online community for survivors for a while (sadly, that particular community is now defunct, since that's been, geez, almost a decade ago, but I strongly suspect there are other communities like it still around).

OK thanks, ill start searching

My dilemma now is whether to tell my mother about what happened. On one hand I feel she deserves to know, but I really dont want her to worry about me, she already does so much and I dont want to belabor her with that and make her start blaming herself or treating me all nicely because of what happened. Plus im 18 and should handle this on my own

[Nimilia]

I don't know your exact situation of course, but I think you should tell her..

Mums can be pretty great support, you know!


Also, I would want my child to always tell me something like that, so I would imagine it'd be the same for any parent!

[Shellinameow]

There are support groups that are coed or specifically for men - I couldn't tell you if there happen to be any near you, but they definitely do exist. If you can't find one in your area, poke around on the internet - I worked with a pretty cool online community for survivors for a while (sadly, that particular community is now defunct, since that's been, geez, almost a decade ago, but I strongly suspect there are other communities like it still around).

OK thanks, ill start searching

My dilemma now is whether to tell my mother about what happened. On one hand I feel she deserves to know, but I really dont want her to worry about me, she already does so much and I dont want to belabor her with that and make her start blaming herself or treating me all nicely because of what happened. Plus im 18 and should handle this on my own

Handling it "on your own" might not be the best idea. I tried that for a while. I did tell my parents (I was 18 as well), but for the most part, I told them I was fine and moving on. Still, a year later, I'm struggling with it, and had I not told anyone in my family - especially at the age of 18 - I would have fallen apart faster than I did. Had I been honest with them about what kind of a wreck I was, I probably wouldn't have been a wreck much longer.
The downside to telling your parents is that, yes, they are going to worry. They'll probably press to go to the police if they're the type that still believes that helps, etc. And maybe for you, it'd be better to stay quiet about it for a while as far as they go because maybe you're not ready for any of that.

Either way, I think that your mom deserves to know, but that WHEN you tell her is up to you.

[Nailed to the Perch]

There are support groups that are coed or specifically for men - I couldn't tell you if there happen to be any near you, but they definitely do exist. If you can't find one in your area, poke around on the internet - I worked with a pretty cool online community for survivors for a while (sadly, that particular community is now defunct, since that's been, geez, almost a decade ago, but I strongly suspect there are other communities like it still around).

OK thanks, ill start searching

My dilemma now is whether to tell my mother about what happened. On one hand I feel she deserves to know, but I really dont want her to worry about me, she already does so much and I dont want to belabor her with that and make her start blaming herself or treating me all nicely because of what happened. Plus im 18 and should handle this on my own

If you believe she will be loving and supportive, tell her. Imagine if the positions were reversed and your mother was going through something really tough - you'd rather her tell you so you could offer love and hugs and support, rather than her just suffering in silence, right?

And your last line kinda stabbed me in the heart. 18 is so, so much younger than it feels to you right now, and I promise that as far as your mother is concerned, you're still her baby - but even if you were far older, no one should have to handle something as big as surviving rape on their own, whether they're 8 or 80.

[Potenco]

OK thanks, ill start searching

My dilemma now is whether to tell my mother about what happened. On one hand I feel she deserves to know, but I really dont want her to worry about me, she already does so much and I dont want to belabor her with that and make her start blaming herself or treating me all nicely because of what happened. Plus im 18 and should handle this on my own

Handling it "on your own" might not be the best idea. I tried that for a while. I did tell my parents (I was 18 as well), but for the most part, I told them I was fine and moving on. Still, a year later, I'm struggling with it, and had I not told anyone in my family - especially at the age of 18 - I would have fallen apart faster than I did. Had I been honest with them about what kind of a wreck I was, I probably wouldn't have been a wreck much longer.
The downside to telling your parents is that, yes, they are going to worry. They'll probably press to go to the police if they're the type that still believes that helps, etc. And maybe for you, it'd be better to stay quiet about it for a while as far as they go because maybe you're not ready for any of that.

Either way, I think that your mom deserves to know, but that WHEN you tell her is up to you.

Yeah maybe your right. I do worry about how my dad will respond though, he genuinely cares about people but will respond to my willingness (at the time) to engage in casual oral sex with disgust most likely. I probably could change the story to make it sound like I was just hanging out with this person but that would be lying

I have no intention of pursuin legal action against this man. I know hes some ratchety black man named Cornelius, but the situation is too complex and odd to build a legal cas out of plus its been 13 months

Additionally, I apoligize if ive been hogging the thread.

[Nimilia]

Well, if you do tell her.. I think it's important to clearly communicate how you feel and what _you_ need...

Your parent will probably try to support you as best they can, so you'll need to help her by being clear on how she should best do that. Of course, she may be shocked at first, so give her time to come to terms with what you told her. But in the end, I'm sure you'll work it out and it will be better for both of you.

Edit: I think it would be better to be honest.. or just say that you don't want to tell them everything just yet. In my experience parents are a lot better at this stuff than we tend to give them credit for (again, after possible initial shock has been dealt with).

[Potenco]

I just tryed to set up an appointment with my local rape center, but apparently I would have to make an appointment. Due to tis being on the other side of town and the fact that I have to give them my phone number I declined. I cant have them calling my house before ive told my parents. I just wish they had some support group I could just walk into and talk about stuff with.

Again sorry about my bitching and moaning

[The Republic of Lanos]

Again sorry about my bitching and moaning

In this thread, there is no such concept. We are here to try our best to help those that need it.

[Nimilia]

I just tryed to set up an appointment with my local rape center, but apparently I would have to make an appointment. Due to tis being on the other side of town and the fact that I have to give them my phone number I declined. I cant have them calling my house before ive told my parents. I just wish they had some support group I could just walk into and talk about stuff with.

Again sorry about my bitching and moaning

Oh don't be, that's what we're all here for

No really it's not even bitching and moaning

Don't you have a cellphone or something? Why do they need your phone number?

[Potenco]

I just tryed to set up an appointment with my local rape center, but apparently I would have to make an appointment. Due to tis being on the other side of town and the fact that I have to give them my phone number I declined. I cant have them calling my house before ive told my parents. I just wish they had some support group I could just walk into and talk about stuff with.

Again sorry about my bitching and moaning

Oh don't be, that's what we're all here for

No really it's not even bitching and moaning

Don't you have a cellphone or something? Why do they need your phone number?

I dont own a cell phone, im amish (JK on the amish part)

I need to schedule an appointment with them and they will call when they have figured something out. Im trembling uber bad right now, maybe I should call the hotline

[Nimilia]

Oh don't be, that's what we're all here for

No really it's not even bitching and moaning

Don't you have a cellphone or something? Why do they need your phone number?

I dont own a cell phone, im amish (JK on the amish part)

I need to schedule an appointment with them and they will call when they have figured something out. Im trembling uber bad right now, maybe I should call the hotline

Yeah, give the hotline a call; it's what they're there for! They're trained and confidential. (Also, your story will unfortunately be familiar to them.. this kind of stuff happens way too often)

And the anxiety you're experiencing is really normal in these circumstances; it'll get better.

Edit: Additionally.. can I say I think it's pretty brave you're taking these steps?

[Potenco]

I dont own a cell phone, im amish (JK on the amish part)

I need to schedule an appointment with them and they will call when they have figured something out. Im trembling uber bad right now, maybe I should call the hotline

Yeah, give the hotline a call; it's what they're there for! They're trained and confidential. (Also, your story will unfortunately be familiar to them.. this kind of stuff happens way too often)

And the anxiety you're experiencing is really normal in these circumstances; it'll get better.

Edit: Additionally.. can I say I think it's pretty brave you're taking these steps?

I dont know how brave it is, itss taken me a year. Im seriously now considering telling my mom, because in order to receive therapy I have to give them my number so they can call me and I dont want them to find out by seeing "sex abuse center" in the caller ID

But thank you all so much

[Neutraligon]

Yeah, give the hotline a call; it's what they're there for! They're trained and confidential. (Also, your story will unfortunately be familiar to them.. this kind of stuff happens way too often)

And the anxiety you're experiencing is really normal in these circumstances; it'll get better.

Edit: Additionally.. can I say I think it's pretty brave you're taking these steps?

I dont know how brave it is, itss taken me a year. Im seriously now considering telling my mom, because in order to receive therapy I have to give them my number so they can call me and I dont want them to find out by seeing "sex abuse center" in the caller ID

But thank you all so much

You aren't bitching and moaning. You went through something no one should have to go through, something that takes a lot of time and work to accept and hopefully overcome. I ask this in all seriousness, but do you trust your mom to deal with you telling her?

[Potenco]

I dont know how brave it is, itss taken me a year. Im seriously now considering telling my mom, because in order to receive therapy I have to give them my number so they can call me and I dont want them to find out by seeing "sex abuse center" in the caller ID

But thank you all so much

You aren't bitching and moaning. You went through something no one should have to go through, something that takes a lot of time and work to accept and hopefully overcome. I ask this in all seriousness, but do you trust your mom to deal with you telling her?

I absolutely trust my mother, there is no person whom I love and care about more than her and nobody who I think I could go to. My only cconcern is I dont want her to worry too much about me and what I went through. If I were to do it, I would have to make it very clear that im not suicicidal but would like a little extra help from a support group or a profeissional.

[Neutraligon]

You aren't bitching and moaning. You went through something no one should have to go through, something that takes a lot of time and work to accept and hopefully overcome. I ask this in all seriousness, but do you trust your mom to deal with you telling her?

I absolutely trust my mother, there is no person whom I love and care about more than her and nobody who I think I could go to. My only cconcern is I dont want her to worry too much about me and what I went through. If I were to do it, I would have to make it very clear that im not suicicidal but would like a little extra help from a support group or a profeissional.

Then go to her. Mothers will worry about their kids regardless. At least if you do this, you have someone you trust on your side helping you. I have not gone through what you have, but I have found it helpful to have one person you know there to support you one hundred percent.

[Individuality-ness]

In an effort to help keep this going in the right direction, and to not shut down a valid angle on the overall conversation, I've merged the newer thread with the older rape thread. I think most of us can agree that rape is rape, regardless of who it happens to. And as such, those who've been victimized by it ought to have an equal right to support and the opportunity to discuss.

Nathi, question: the original thread might have gone in the direction of discussing rape culture, which may not be appropriate for the in-general support thread. So would it be permissible if someone made an OP discussing rape culture as a whole?

(No, I don't know if I want to OP THAT thread. Still.)

Okay, I lied, I wrote up a theoretical OP on rape culture. Does anyone want me to put it up for debate, or should I hold off?

[Potenco]

Nathi, question: the original thread might have gone in the direction of discussing rape culture, which may not be appropriate for the in-general support thread. So would it be permissible if someone made an OP discussing rape culture as a whole?

(No, I don't know if I want to OP THAT thread. Still.)

Okay, I lied, I wrote up a theoretical OP on rape culture. Does anyone want me to put it up for debate, or should I hold off?

Do it, absolutely. Lets kick some rape apologist asses on the page too!