Rape Thread [SAFE SPACE - Mod Enforced]

[Yaltabaoth]

Welcome back, how is the situation going?

I mean, it's still the same. The DA still said no, I'm still trying to make it through.

The anniversary is coming this Monday. This weekend is going to be something else. Saturday is Picnic Day in Davis, Sunday is the anniversary of Picnic Day, the night of which this happened, and then Monday is the anniversary is the day I spent all day with the cops and in the hospital. so I'm not looking forward to it, but I've surrounded myself with friends and whatnot. I'm so sorry I haven't been in here y'all, I just haven't had it in me to talk about this kind of stuff.

Great to see you back.

I really hope you have the best weekend/monday possible, I must admit I had been a bit worried when Homosexy became an ex-nation so close to the anniversary.

As always, it's entirely up to you to talk only when you want / need to talk. If time away helps, then take that time. You have nothing to apologise for.

[ThirdPrizeYoureFired]

I'm glad someone asked for updates. I have been wondering how Shelby and everyone else has been getting on.

As for me, 3 weeks ago was the anniversary of my rape. Waiting for that day to come was worse than the day itself for me. Knowing that's now a year behind me does help. It's gone from "recent past" to just "past". In some ways, I'm not as far along with getting back to normal as I want. In others, I'm pretty proud of the progress I've made. I'm definitely not the person I was a year ago, but that's not a bad thing. The surprising thing is how sensitive this has all made me. It's made me a nicer person though. I now realize how easy it is to fuck up someone's day, and I try at least to be aware of how my actions/words affect others. I still have my anxiety, but it's getting better and better. Still days I can't leave my flat.

I've gotten better at being able to say, "No, I can't do this", being gentler with myself, and actually saying "I'm a rape survivor". I think I'm comfortable enough with it now that others follow my lead in it. I know what my triggers are, I know where I need special handling, and I'm okay with vocalizing that.

There's still things I need to work on and I'm not better with, but I don't feel like sharing that right now. Also been a rather big event that's happened, but that will have to wait for another post as well.

I'm a student and exams are coming, so I might be a bit short in my replies. There's a few posts here I want to reply to, including Shelby's.

Big hugs and big thanks to all of you here. This thread really has contributed to the healing process for me.

[Yaltabaoth]

I'm glad someone asked for updates. I have been wondering how Shelby and everyone else has been getting on.

As for me, 3 weeks ago was the anniversary of my rape. Waiting for that day to come was worse than the day itself for me. Knowing that's now a year behind me does help. It's gone from "recent past" to just "past". In some ways, I'm not as far along with getting back to normal as I want. In others, I'm pretty proud of the progress I've made. I'm definitely not the person I was a year ago, but that's not a bad thing. The surprising thing is how sensitive this has all made me. It's made me a nicer person though. I now realize how easy it is to fuck up someone's day, and I try at least to be aware of how my actions/words affect others. I still have my anxiety, but it's getting better and better. Still days I can't leave my flat.

I've gotten better at being able to say, "No, I can't do this", being gentler with myself, and actually saying "I'm a rape survivor". I think I'm comfortable enough with it now that others follow my lead in it. I know what my triggers are, I know where I need special handling, and I'm okay with vocalizing that.

There's still things I need to work on and I'm not better with, but I don't feel like sharing that right now. Also been a rather big event that's happened, but that will have to wait for another post as well.

I'm a student and exams are coming, so I might be a bit short in my replies. There's a few posts here I want to reply to, including Shelby's.

Big hugs and big thanks to all of you here. This thread really has contributed to the healing process for me.

Great to hear from you, I'd hoped you might check in.

From what I just read, I think you should be very proud of your progress. Every day will differ, but it sounds to me like you're really moving forward in a positive way.

Healing doesn't happen all at once, or in a consistent manner. Some aspects will fade faster than others, while tiny details can continue to hold seemingly disproportionate significance.

Share what you want to share. You don't "owe" anyone here any more information than you are freely willing to reveal.

And big hugs and thanks right back atcha.

[Shellinameow]

Okay, so ... here goes. Oh boy.

So most girls talk about the time they lost their virginity with their friends. I did that with all of my friends after I turned 17 and told them about this local in Honduras who wooed me in this hut in the rain and how it was mysterious and awesome. What I haven't told them was that when I was 17, and I was in Honduras, the local took me into this hut in the rain, kinda tipsy, and had sex with me against my will.

I think the reason this never came up before is because I did such a good job believing my own lie, that I almost forgot what had happened to me that night, and how uncomfortable I felt. I didn't want to taint the memory of the best two weeks of my life. The truth was I had no idea what had just happened to me, just that I had been uncomfortable and said no to the sex, but that it happened anyways. I don't think I saw it for as big a deal as I should have. But now that I've thought about it, and let it sink in, I think this knowledge is the answer to a lot of my questions: why do I feel so much self blame? self hatred? why do I have so many panic attacks? and I think the answer is that it happened once, no matter how different, and I let it happen again... I let it happen again.

Damn denial rules. This shit sucks.

[Yaltabaoth]

Okay, so ... here goes. Oh boy.

So most girls talk about the time they lost their virginity with their friends. I did that with all of my friends after I turned 17 and told them about this local in Honduras who wooed me in this hut in the rain and how it was mysterious and awesome. What I haven't told them was that when I was 17, and I was in Honduras, the local took me into this hut in the rain, kinda tipsy, and had sex with me against my will.

I think the reason this never came up before is because I did such a good job believing my own lie, that I almost forgot what had happened to me that night, and how uncomfortable I felt. I didn't want to taint the memory of the best two weeks of my life. The truth was I had no idea what had just happened to me, just that I had been uncomfortable and said no to the sex, but that it happened anyways. I don't think I saw it for as big a deal as I should have. But now that I've thought about it, and let it sink in, I think this knowledge is the answer to a lot of my questions: why do I feel so much self blame? self hatred? why do I have so many panic attacks? and I think the answer is that it happened once, no matter how different, and I let it happen again... I let it happen again.

Damn denial rules. This shit sucks.

No. You did not let it happen again.

You were targeted by a predator, and that is not your fault in any way whatsoever.

I'm really sorry for what happened to you in Honduras, and think you're probably right that those unaddressed memories have been complicating your recovery.

But what happened then has nothing to do with what happened last year, they are two wholly separate and unconnected events.

This shit does suck.

[The Republic of Lanos]

Okay, so ... here goes. Oh boy.

So most girls talk about the time they lost their virginity with their friends. I did that with all of my friends after I turned 17 and told them about this local in Honduras who wooed me in this hut in the rain and how it was mysterious and awesome. What I haven't told them was that when I was 17, and I was in Honduras, the local took me into this hut in the rain, kinda tipsy, and had sex with me against my will.

I think the reason this never came up before is because I did such a good job believing my own lie, that I almost forgot what had happened to me that night, and how uncomfortable I felt. I didn't want to taint the memory of the best two weeks of my life. The truth was I had no idea what had just happened to me, just that I had been uncomfortable and said no to the sex, but that it happened anyways. I don't think I saw it for as big a deal as I should have. But now that I've thought about it, and let it sink in, I think this knowledge is the answer to a lot of my questions: why do I feel so much self blame? self hatred? why do I have so many panic attacks? and I think the answer is that it happened once, no matter how different, and I let it happen again... I let it happen again.

Damn denial rules. This shit sucks.

[The Steel Magnolia]

I can sympathize a little bit, with denial and panic attacks, with believing what you tell others.

I was assaulted around a year and a half ago when I was in San Francisco working on Dennis Herrera's mayoral campaign. We usually went out with partners to get signatures, but my coworker and I split up to handle more people at once, which ended up being a mistake.

I don't really want to go into a lot of details about what happened, especially since it isn't entirely germane to the thread, but the long and short of it is that I was accosted, violently, by a man outside of a supermarket, and things really went south from there.

I didn't tell anyone about it for a really long time. I wore a scarf and heavy clothing to hide the bruises around my neck and chest and stomach, I balled it up inside me and frankly I only started dealing with it recently.

But even today, even right now, I still can't remember exactly what happened. I mean, I know what happened to me, I know what went down, but for the life of me I can't remember how it finished. I don't remember the rest of the day, I don't remember talking to my coworkers, I don't remember how he stopped or was stopped.

I don't really know why I can't remember. I want to, the whole "How did it end bit" is kinda one of my big hangups about the thing, but I've also sorta come to the realization that it's not always up to me. My brain's being a dick, it's not really letting me think or access what I need.

But I also lied to everyone else about it too. I only told my mother a few months back, my father still doesn't know. I was lying to others about it for so long I half convinced myself nothing happened. There was a long time where I was "happy", or at least, as happy as any closeted trans kid is, and it was buried in my mind where I didn't have to deal with it. There were legitimately days where I didn't have flashbacks, where my mind didn't go back to that place.

It's not like that anymore. Even though I didn't think of it as a big deal at the time, or rather I shrugged it off and moved on, it mattered a lot more than I initially thought. It really fucked me up, to be quite honest, and probably because I put it off for a long time.

But the key thing though, the thing that I know intellectually that I've been told over and over again by countless therapists and social workers is that it's not my fault. It's never my fault. Not only the whole, y'know, assault bit, but also the me not remembering what happened.

That's not my fault.

And just like it's not mine, it's not yours either. None of what happened to you is your fault. It never has been, it never will be.

[Damanucus]

Okay, so ... here goes. Oh boy.

So most girls talk about the time they lost their virginity with their friends. I did that with all of my friends after I turned 17 and told them about this local in Honduras who wooed me in this hut in the rain and how it was mysterious and awesome. What I haven't told them was that when I was 17, and I was in Honduras, the local took me into this hut in the rain, kinda tipsy, and had sex with me against my will.

I think the reason this never came up before is because I did such a good job believing my own lie, that I almost forgot what had happened to me that night, and how uncomfortable I felt. I didn't want to taint the memory of the best two weeks of my life. The truth was I had no idea what had just happened to me, just that I had been uncomfortable and said no to the sex, but that it happened anyways. I don't think I saw it for as big a deal as I should have. But now that I've thought about it, and let it sink in, I think this knowledge is the answer to a lot of my questions: why do I feel so much self blame? self hatred? why do I have so many panic attacks? and I think the answer is that it happened once, no matter how different, and I let it happen again... I let it happen again.

Damn denial rules. This shit sucks.

Yeah...I don't want to take the focus off you, and I'm probably going to be a thousand directions of wrong here, but it kind of supports something I've believed for some time. When a person has been raped, it seems like they've got a beacon over their head marking that they've been raped. And it seems to draw out the kinds of people who would exploit that.

Now, as I said, I'm probably a thousand directions of wrong here (more so than any other time, given the nature of the topic of conversation), but it does seem to be that way. I am, of course, working off very limited empirical evidence (i.e. no hard statistical data).

[The Republique Dardania and Gazmania]

I let it happen again.

No you didn’t let it happen ...and stop thinking that please.
I'm also sorry to hear -that's what happened -your first time.

I can sympathize a little bit, with denial and panic attacks, with believing what you tell others.

I was assaulted around a year and a half ago...

I'm really sorry that had happened to you too.

[Corrian]

Okay, so ... here goes. Oh boy.

So most girls talk about the time they lost their virginity with their friends. I did that with all of my friends after I turned 17 and told them about this local in Honduras who wooed me in this hut in the rain and how it was mysterious and awesome. What I haven't told them was that when I was 17, and I was in Honduras, the local took me into this hut in the rain, kinda tipsy, and had sex with me against my will.

I think the reason this never came up before is because I did such a good job believing my own lie, that I almost forgot what had happened to me that night, and how uncomfortable I felt. I didn't want to taint the memory of the best two weeks of my life. The truth was I had no idea what had just happened to me, just that I had been uncomfortable and said no to the sex, but that it happened anyways. I don't think I saw it for as big a deal as I should have. But now that I've thought about it, and let it sink in, I think this knowledge is the answer to a lot of my questions: why do I feel so much self blame? self hatred? why do I have so many panic attacks? and I think the answer is that it happened once, no matter how different, and I let it happen again... I let it happen again.

Damn denial rules. This shit sucks.

All that is coming to my mind is I wish I could give you a hug in real life, but this will have to suffice

I can sympathize a little bit, with denial and panic attacks, with believing what you tell others.

I was assaulted around a year and a half ago when I was in San Francisco working on Dennis Herrera's mayoral campaign. We usually went out with partners to get signatures, but my coworker and I split up to handle more people at once, which ended up being a mistake.

I don't really want to go into a lot of details about what happened, especially since it isn't entirely germane to the thread, but the long and short of it is that I was accosted, violently, by a man outside of a supermarket, and things really went south from there.

I didn't tell anyone about it for a really long time. I wore a scarf and heavy clothing to hide the bruises around my neck and chest and stomach, I balled it up inside me and frankly I only started dealing with it recently.

But even today, even right now, I still can't remember exactly what happened. I mean, I know what happened to me, I know what went down, but for the life of me I can't remember how it finished. I don't remember the rest of the day, I don't remember talking to my coworkers, I don't remember how he stopped or was stopped.

I don't really know why I can't remember. I want to, the whole "How did it end bit" is kinda one of my big hangups about the thing, but I've also sorta come to the realization that it's not always up to me. My brain's being a dick, it's not really letting me think or access what I need.

But I also lied to everyone else about it too. I only told my mother a few months back, my father still doesn't know. I was lying to others about it for so long I half convinced myself nothing happened. There was a long time where I was "happy", or at least, as happy as any closeted trans kid is, and it was buried in my mind where I didn't have to deal with it. There were legitimately days where I didn't have flashbacks, where my mind didn't go back to that place.

It's not like that anymore. Even though I didn't think of it as a big deal at the time, or rather I shrugged it off and moved on, it mattered a lot more than I initially thought. It really fucked me up, to be quite honest, and probably because I put it off for a long time.

But the key thing though, the thing that I know intellectually that I've been told over and over again by countless therapists and social workers is that it's not my fault. It's never my fault. Not only the whole, y'know, assault bit, but also the me not remembering what happened.

That's not my fault.

And just like it's not mine, it's not yours either. None of what happened to you is your fault. It never has been, it never will be.

You too

[Nazi Flower Power]

Okay, so ... here goes. Oh boy.

So most girls talk about the time they lost their virginity with their friends. I did that with all of my friends after I turned 17 and told them about this local in Honduras who wooed me in this hut in the rain and how it was mysterious and awesome. What I haven't told them was that when I was 17, and I was in Honduras, the local took me into this hut in the rain, kinda tipsy, and had sex with me against my will.

I think the reason this never came up before is because I did such a good job believing my own lie, that I almost forgot what had happened to me that night, and how uncomfortable I felt. I didn't want to taint the memory of the best two weeks of my life. The truth was I had no idea what had just happened to me, just that I had been uncomfortable and said no to the sex, but that it happened anyways. I don't think I saw it for as big a deal as I should have. But now that I've thought about it, and let it sink in, I think this knowledge is the answer to a lot of my questions: why do I feel so much self blame? self hatred? why do I have so many panic attacks? and I think the answer is that it happened once, no matter how different, and I let it happen again... I let it happen again.

Damn denial rules. This shit sucks.

Just because it happened again doesn't mean you let it happen. Sometimes things are beyond your control.

[Seriong]

You seem to want to remove rape from media, in order to create a more safe space for rape victims, yet you also want to make rape a less taboo subject. These ideas conflict.

[Reploid Productions]

You seem to want to remove rape from media, in order to create a more safe space for rape victims, yet you also want to make rape a less taboo subject. These ideas conflict.

... wat?

I know it's been awhile since I last read the OP, but I don't recall the ideas of "safe space for victims," "removing rape from media," and "make rape a less taboo subject" being juxtaposed the way you're juxtaposing them. This thread is meant as a safe space, and I'm fairly certain that there was discussion about whether or not the subject ought to be removed from media; but the matter of matter of how to make rape a less taboo subject was a pretty separate part of the discussion entirely.

Also, "juxtapose" is a fun word.

[Freelanderness]

Hey Shelly, you did not let it happen. It's not your fault in any way. I can't remember what happened to me. I would have gone my whole life without remembering it if I hadn't been triggered. It's not your fault

[Erinkita]

Okay, so ... here goes. Oh boy.

So most girls talk about the time they lost their virginity with their friends. I did that with all of my friends after I turned 17 and told them about this local in Honduras who wooed me in this hut in the rain and how it was mysterious and awesome. What I haven't told them was that when I was 17, and I was in Honduras, the local took me into this hut in the rain, kinda tipsy, and had sex with me against my will.

I think the reason this never came up before is because I did such a good job believing my own lie, that I almost forgot what had happened to me that night, and how uncomfortable I felt. I didn't want to taint the memory of the best two weeks of my life. The truth was I had no idea what had just happened to me, just that I had been uncomfortable and said no to the sex, but that it happened anyways. I don't think I saw it for as big a deal as I should have. But now that I've thought about it, and let it sink in, I think this knowledge is the answer to a lot of my questions: why do I feel so much self blame? self hatred? why do I have so many panic attacks? and I think the answer is that it happened once, no matter how different, and I let it happen again... I let it happen again.

Damn denial rules. This shit sucks.

Like Kitty said. You didn't let it happen. It was done to you. I know it's impossible to avoid blaming yourself in this kind of situation, but neither incident was your fault in any way.

[Shellinameow]

You seem to want to remove rape from media, in order to create a more safe space for rape victims, yet you also want to make rape a less taboo subject. These ideas conflict.

I think you've been getting the wrong message. The thread itself is a safe space. I want rape to be less taboo, which means I want people to talk about it more. However, in this space, I want rape to become a less taboo subject while still remaining a safe space where people can come in, speak openly about their experiences, discuss opinions, etc. while not being subjected to judgement because of what they were wearing (for instance).

[Shellinameow]

http://www.theforensicexaminer.com/archive/spring09/15/

What the hell...

[Shellinameow]

http://register-her.com

.... what the fuck....

[Individuality-ness]

http://www.theforensicexaminer.com/archive/spring09/15/

What the hell...

Wut?

[Shellinameow]

http://www.theforensicexaminer.com/archive/spring09/15/

What the hell...

Wut?

The second one's worse

[Individuality-ness]

Wut?

The second one's worse

You might want to make a separate thread on this. Just... WTF?

[Tlaceceyaya]

http://www.theforensicexaminer.com/archive/spring09/15/

What the hell...

It's an article about false rape accusations, citing FBI statistics.

[Shellinameow]

The second one's worse

You might want to make a separate thread on this. Just... WTF?

Right? I might make a separate one. People can talk in here about it if they want as long as nobody's made uncomfortable. We can move it if it gets too hot

[The Republic of Lanos]

I like to say something about the false rape accusers site but I'm going to get banned if I did.

[Individuality-ness]

You might want to make a separate thread on this. Just... WTF?

Right? I might make a separate one. People can talk in here about it if they want as long as nobody's made uncomfortable. We can move it if it gets too hot

I'm going to try to reread the first one now. The second one, I know about already, and it's like, wow...