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The NSG Bulwer-Lytton competition: WINNER ANNOUNCED!

For discussion and debate about anything. (Not a roleplay related forum; out-of-character commentary only.)

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Ashmoria
Post Czar
 
Posts: 46718
Founded: Mar 19, 2004
Left-Leaning College State

Postby Ashmoria » Sat Mar 24, 2012 6:24 am

It was a dark and stormy night. A night so dark that ninjas can walk about freely as if they were ladies going to the town picnic. A night of deluges so strong that kittens and baby birds are found the next morning washed into the gutters. A night so dangerous that Molly McGuin stayed wrapped in her chartreuse snuggy eating popcorn by the light of American Idol on her television imagining the sweet love of Clay Akins rather than facing the truth.
whatever

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Mindhar
Diplomat
 
Posts: 648
Founded: Jan 22, 2010
Ex-Nation

Postby Mindhar » Sat Mar 24, 2012 8:35 am

Rambhutan wrote:Geddes was a tall man, a tall man dressed in a tweed suit nearly as tall as he was.

This is a pretty great line on its own.

Since apparently we can do multiple entries here's another one:

Filled with incomparable sadness, Andrew began, quietly and with a sense of renewed clarity, to swivel.

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Astrolinium
Post Czar
 
Posts: 36603
Founded: Mar 05, 2011
Ex-Nation

Postby Astrolinium » Sat Mar 24, 2012 8:57 am

Norstal wrote:
Astrolinium wrote:Alexander cha-chaed elegantly into the bar, proceeding thus to ascend upon the tender tender's moobs and receive a swift kick to the genital regions; this ritual he oft repeated, for Azabulzugagar with not even six years having passed had come to him and ordained it in exchange for the life of his darling Holka, whose hairy mole sent tingles down his abdomen every time he became cognizant of its proximity.

That's hilarious, so my vote goes for you.

Vote Astrolinium.


Why thank you, my good Norstal.
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Partybus
Minister
 
Posts: 2034
Founded: Oct 20, 2007
Left-Leaning College State

Postby Partybus » Sat Mar 24, 2012 9:51 am

As the water from the spiggot began to warm, somewhere deep within the building's plumbing system, the cloying smell of sulphur, so strong as to cause me to, in my mind's eye, return to my youth, clamming at low tide in Gloucester (Mass.), "who farted?" said the reverend...

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Partybus
Minister
 
Posts: 2034
Founded: Oct 20, 2007
Left-Leaning College State

Postby Partybus » Sat Mar 24, 2012 9:53 am

Ariddia wrote:The morning was bright, bright as the sun which caused it to be so, shining through the shifting shimmering clouds which drifted aimlessly like lost fluffy sheep untethered in a vast open sky, contrasting sharply with the darkness of the night which had just come to a natural close as it did every morning; but as Thomas Tumblemac slept in that morning, like every morning, until early afternoon, that is not where our story begins.



This. Is. Terrible... :clap:

Me likey, very, very much... :)
Last edited by Partybus on Sat Mar 24, 2012 9:54 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Partybus
Minister
 
Posts: 2034
Founded: Oct 20, 2007
Left-Leaning College State

Postby Partybus » Sat Mar 24, 2012 9:56 am

Norstal wrote:
Astrolinium wrote:Alexander cha-chaed elegantly into the bar, proceeding thus to ascend upon the tender tender's moobs and receive a swift kick to the genital regions; this ritual he oft repeated, for Azabulzugagar with not even six years having passed had come to him and ordained it in exchange for the life of his darling Holka, whose hairy mole sent tingles down his abdomen every time he became cognizant of its proximity.

That's hilarious, so my vote goes for you.

Vote Astrolinium.



Seconded...

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The Archregimancy
Game Moderator
 
Posts: 24530
Founded: Aug 01, 2005
Democratic Socialists

Postby The Archregimancy » Sat Mar 24, 2012 9:57 am

Rambhutan wrote:"Blast" ejaculated Major Geddes under his breath, his words swept away by the wind blasting across the blasted moors of North Yorkshire. Geddes was a tall man, a tall man dressed in a tweed suit nearly as tall as he was. The ten years in which he had lead North Yorkshire County Council to world domination had left its mark on his face: deep lines incised the florid purple cheeks like the work of a drunken ploughboy in a field next to a whiskery forest.


Ashmoria wrote:It was a dark and stormy night. A night so dark that ninjas can walk about freely as if they were ladies going to the town picnic. A night of deluges so strong that kittens and baby birds are found the next morning washed into the gutters. A night so dangerous that Molly McGuin stayed wrapped in her chartreuse snuggy eating popcorn by the light of American Idol on her television imagining the sweet love of Clay Akins rather than facing the truth.


I'll politely point out that neither of the above entries - entertaining though they undoubtedly are - are eligible, as this is a competition to write an opening sentence, not an opening paragraph.


Aethyopea wrote:Since one definition of the word 'beyond' is
4. superior to; surpassing; above: wise beyond all others.
(from dictionary.com)
and this quote isn't above '50 to 60 words' and you didn't say what definition of 'beyond' I have to use, it's technically not against the rules.


The 50-60 word limit is a strong recommendation, not a hard and fast rule. However, entries which follow the word limit are more likely to be selected for the final 10.


Mindhar wrote:Since apparently we can do multiple entries


Correct.
Last edited by The Archregimancy on Sat Mar 24, 2012 9:57 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Keronians
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Posts: 18231
Founded: Oct 15, 2010
Ex-Nation

Postby Keronians » Sat Mar 24, 2012 9:58 am

It was another hot and smoggy day, and Matt, as usual, was staring dazingly at the girl he had loved for over four years; his entire being filling with a deep sense of longing and desire, but also anger and frustration at the realisation that she will never be his.
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Yaltabaoth
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Posts: 1477
Founded: Dec 07, 2006
Ex-Nation

Postby Yaltabaoth » Sat Mar 24, 2012 10:30 am

In the aftermath of the expectoration contest, as the rank stench of bile slowly cleared in the gathering breeze, Lord Warburton couldn't help but reflect on the large mirror that his servants held up before him, because light is subject to fundamental laws of nature and cared not for such matters as rank.
Last edited by Yaltabaoth on Tue Mar 27, 2012 8:01 am, edited 2 times in total.

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Yaltabaoth
Ambassador
 
Posts: 1477
Founded: Dec 07, 2006
Ex-Nation

Postby Yaltabaoth » Sat Mar 24, 2012 10:46 am

She urgently replied, "but what about one thousand pounds per square inch?", and at that moment I knew I was out of my depth.

I like this game :)

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Rambhutan
Negotiator
 
Posts: 5227
Founded: Jul 28, 2004
Ex-Nation

Postby Rambhutan » Sat Mar 24, 2012 11:35 am

"Hurry up and pack Maman" cried Delphine "the French Revolution could start at any moment".



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Are we there yet?

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Aethyopea
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Posts: 1123
Founded: Sep 02, 2010
Ex-Nation

Postby Aethyopea » Sat Mar 24, 2012 3:03 pm

Here's another one I did just to see what would happen. I took the 'it was a dark and stormy night' speech through Google Translate, putting it through each languag in alphabetical order, then back to English. I call it 'the tower of babel': a localisation nightmare. It may or may not count as English.

California shperthim perfshiu Deidroetorfin stuhishme saamdie. Efforts to prevent, detect AND Queen Street oblektshavanee dhunshem vrullshem luftuan kontrolluar erresires foldkulmet Practice intenzivisht Kullamaa llambave turbulluan AND writing, geography, London, Ruskin, Janet refers to secondary infections. עררעסירעסראסעאיזגעוועןניטאטיי
Last edited by Aethyopea on Sat Mar 24, 2012 3:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.
POLITICS, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary

•"The Catholic and the Communist are alike in assuming that an opponent cannot be both honest and intelligent."
George Orwell

"There is always an easy solution to every human problem--neat, plausible, and wrong."
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Trotskylvania wrote:Political analogies are like bullshit. It doesn't matter how pretty or elegant you try to make them, it's still a lump of bullshit at the end of the day.

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Ashmoria
Post Czar
 
Posts: 46718
Founded: Mar 19, 2004
Left-Leaning College State

Postby Ashmoria » Sat Mar 24, 2012 3:08 pm

The Archregimancy wrote:
Rambhutan wrote:"Blast" ejaculated Major Geddes under his breath, his words swept away by the wind blasting across the blasted moors of North Yorkshire. Geddes was a tall man, a tall man dressed in a tweed suit nearly as tall as he was. The ten years in which he had lead North Yorkshire County Council to world domination had left its mark on his face: deep lines incised the florid purple cheeks like the work of a drunken ploughboy in a field next to a whiskery forest.


Ashmoria wrote:It was a dark and stormy night. A night so dark that ninjas can walk about freely as if they were ladies going to the town picnic. A night of deluges so strong that kittens and baby birds are found the next morning washed into the gutters. A night so dangerous that Molly McGuin stayed wrapped in her chartreuse snuggy eating popcorn by the light of American Idol on her television imagining the sweet love of Clay Akins rather than facing the truth.


I'll politely point out that neither of the above entries - entertaining though they undoubtedly are - are eligible, as this is a competition to write an opening sentence, not an opening paragraph.


.


oh thats OK ill just take out the periods.

It was a dark and stormy night, a night so dark that ninjas can walk about freely as if they were ladies going to the town picnic, a night of deluges so strong that kittens and baby birds are found the next morning washed into the gutters, a night so dangerous that Molly McGuin stayed wrapped in her chartreuse snuggy eating popcorn by the light of American Idol on her television imagining the sweet love of Clay Akins rather than facing the truth.
Last edited by Ashmoria on Sat Mar 24, 2012 3:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.
whatever

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Astrolinium
Post Czar
 
Posts: 36603
Founded: Mar 05, 2011
Ex-Nation

Postby Astrolinium » Sat Mar 24, 2012 3:20 pm

Once upon a time, there was a fat, gray koala - until Roget woke up in the morning and then there were six-hundred ninety-four and three tenths fat, gray koalas, only one of which was the original and all of them climbing on his fine china like so many West African albino weasels.
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Norstal
Post Czar
 
Posts: 41460
Founded: Mar 07, 2008
Ex-Nation

Postby Norstal » Sat Mar 24, 2012 3:28 pm

A debate on Antidisestablishmentarianism is currently taking place in NationStates General, a superfluous activity that causes as much pain as Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, which amounts to floccinaucinihilipilification for the users of the forum, especially those who lives at Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu.
Last edited by Norstal on Sat Mar 24, 2012 3:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Desperate Measures
Postmaster-General
 
Posts: 10149
Founded: Antiquity
Ex-Nation

Postby Desperate Measures » Sat Mar 24, 2012 3:41 pm

There was wonder and adventure in Harry Goldman's beady eyes as he set up his telescope on the roof of his '97 Chevy Impala, the metal crinkling beneath his feet as this was no place to stand but it did in fact offer a glorious view into the window of the octogenarian widow's bedroom as she unrolled sagging pantyhose from her varicose veined legs and removed her slimy dentures.
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A simplified maxim on the subject states "An atheist would say, 'I don't believe God exists'; an agnostic would say, 'I don't know whether or not God exists'; and an ignostic would say, 'I don't know what you mean when you say, "God exists" http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ignosticism

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Ovisterra
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Posts: 16017
Founded: Jul 17, 2010
Ex-Nation

Postby Ovisterra » Sat Mar 24, 2012 4:11 pm

Johnny felt a pang of remorse when the building exploded and his 63' Corvette sped out of the gates of the compound onto the twisting coastal road, several trucks of soldiers in hot pursuit, screaming for Johnny’s blood and unaware that very soon they’d be deader than a fly that had flown into a paddling pool on a hot summer’s day.
Removing the text from people's sigs doesn't make it any less true. I stand with Yalta.

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Tmutarakhan
Powerbroker
 
Posts: 8334
Founded: Dec 06, 2007
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

Postby Tmutarakhan » Sat Mar 24, 2012 4:23 pm

it was my fault Archy started this, so I guess I'm obliged to enter

It was that kind of a Friday in Los Angeles, when precisely that kind of a dame sashayed into my office, her stiletto heels click-click-clicking like those annoying beetles that infested the place, only to die like toads on the freeway, that month when I couldn't get the landlord to do anything about it, because I hadn't made the rent after the check bounced from the last time I'd taken a case from that kind of a dame, but I greeted her "Hubba hubba!", because I'm just that kind of a private investigator, and yes, this is that kind of story.
Last edited by Tmutarakhan on Sat Mar 24, 2012 4:34 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Life is a tragedy to those who feel, a comedy to those who think, and a musical to those who sing.

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The Blaatschapen
Retired Moderator
 
Posts: 55241
Founded: Antiquity
Anarchy

Postby The Blaatschapen » Sat Mar 24, 2012 8:22 pm

And here I was... hoping this would be a competition for bad OP sentences. Then again http://forum.nationstates.net/search.php?search_id=egosearch would just get submitted and we'd all be done with it.
Last edited by The Blaatschapen on Sat Mar 24, 2012 8:23 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Wikkiwallana
Postmaster of the Fleet
 
Posts: 22500
Founded: Mar 21, 2010
Ex-Nation

Postby Wikkiwallana » Sat Mar 24, 2012 8:24 pm

Are we allowed more than one entry?
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Forsher
Post Marshal
 
Posts: 17160
Founded: Jan 30, 2012
Liberal Democratic Socialists

Postby Forsher » Sat Mar 24, 2012 9:21 pm

Wikkiwallana wrote:Are we allowed more than one entry?


Yes.

There were once three little brothers who worshiped their big brother.
That it Could be What it Is, Is What it Is

Stop making shit up, though. Links, or it's a God-damn lie and you know it.

The normie life is heteronormie

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Yaltabaoth
Ambassador
 
Posts: 1477
Founded: Dec 07, 2006
Ex-Nation

Postby Yaltabaoth » Sat Mar 24, 2012 9:22 pm

Wikkiwallana wrote:Are we allowed more than one entry?


The Archregimancy wrote:
Mindhar wrote:Since apparently we can do multiple entries


Correct.

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Conserative Morality
Post Kaiser
 
Posts: 76677
Founded: Aug 24, 2007
Left-Leaning College State

Postby Conserative Morality » Sat Mar 24, 2012 9:27 pm

I was sitting in a coffeeshop, sipping my frappichino which softly burned my lips with my scarf in the middle of July working on my screenplay (It's pretty deep, I don't think you'd understand) when I suddenly realized all the sheeple around me were too wrapped up in The Man to ever appreciate my genius.
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Astrolinium
Post Czar
 
Posts: 36603
Founded: Mar 05, 2011
Ex-Nation

Postby Astrolinium » Sat Mar 24, 2012 9:34 pm

She was sixteen and from Ipanema - he was thirty-seven and from Stuttgart - but that didn't stop their love from blossoming into a hit pop song with no relevance to the plot of this story.

Conserative Morality wrote:I was sitting in a coffeeshop, sipping my frappichino which softly burned my lips with my scarf in the middle of July working on my screenplay (It's pretty deep, I don't think you'd understand) when I suddenly realized all the sheeple around me were too wrapped up in The Man to ever appreciate my genius.


Story of my life, bruh.
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SEE YOU SPACE COWBOY...
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Yaltabaoth
Ambassador
 
Posts: 1477
Founded: Dec 07, 2006
Ex-Nation

Postby Yaltabaoth » Sat Mar 24, 2012 9:52 pm

Witchfinder General Price of the Spanish Inquisition glanced up from his notes and was momentarily startled by his own reflection, causing him to mutter to himself "Well, I didn't expect me!"

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