The NSG Bulwer-Lytton competition: WINNER ANNOUNCED!

[The Archregimancy]

THE WINNER!

It would be a night she would never forget - not because of the giant eagles they flew upon, or the beautiful hand-wrought septum jewelry he gifted to her, or even the trained koala servants that brought them their meal - but because of the herpes.

THE RUNNER-UP

Of all the impudences, impertinences, phenomena with distinctly insolent anger-making properties, the meager saliferous unpalatableness of these accursed, confounded, monstrous, diabolical, infernal hypermarket-acquired twenty-pence custard creams verily was the zenith of the real and figurative taking of the biscuit.

[Yootwopia]

The Blackhawk thwopped over the dark, grim heights of the Urals with its compliment of bunched-up SEALs clinging to their M4A1 Carbines as if they were teenage sweethearts... the stooped Russians below had no earthly idea were about to get torn up like saran-wrapped jaffa cakes in a sack full of labradors.

[Forsher]

Ladies and Jellybeans may the lollies please come forward in all their sweet, sugary, juicy, succulent, youth and flavour; the judges would like to meet them.

[Mindhar]

Stick this in the fantasy category:

One day, in spring, a gentle Dwarf, who, by preference, not custom, lived alone, set out, from his cave, on an errand, to a swamp, where, unbeknownst to him, there dwelt, in squalor, a malodorous Ogre.

Although I suspect this might be closer to Lyttle Lytton (apart from being far too long for it) since it's less puns and silly analogies and more just an absolutely ridiculous opening line.

[Sane Outcasts]

It had been three long days since Harris last saw Verdida, days that had crawled by like an earthworm struggling to cross hot pavement on a sunny day, its slimy body gradually withering in the mild heat of the afternoon sun while the rocky ground scraped mercilessly at its unprotected belly.

[Meowfoundland]

As midnight cast its long, dark, throbbing shadow over the bright lights of the City of Light, Isabelle was busy clambering her way through her next novel, much like a beaver eats a tree, but not entirely: for she had lost much of her work in the storms that had happened not one, not two but three days previously, and could not get her large, oversized teeth through the bark that was the opening chapter.

[The Realm of God]

It was a broody dark-like night, day in the scottish highlands, heather clung to the sides of the mountains that were almost as tall as the sun, the heather itself looked like an ink blott of elephant man proportians of ugliness clinging like a famished climber clings to his last mars bar, the sun hung darkly in the sky however it came out so frequently that it looked like the earth was lit by a malfunctioning office light, driving on the road to Cameran Tow Owin Mcduff sat in his truck, he looked like a rugby player who has a bit too much whisky so that he also looked like a tramp; Owins beady insectoid eyes observed the bleak,dark,murky,dull,grey,foggy,low light leval,nightime like scene in front of him he drove on determined, like a determined person.

(Right I have just written in my oppinion the most awful peice of writting ever.)

[NERVUN]

This snowfall, Mark observed sourly while viewing from his office window over a glass of second-rate scotch, was the kind to promise so much; like going to bed with a woman whom you just met in a dark bar: excitement, mystery, flashes of glittering whiteness, but what you really got was cold wetness that didn't hide the ugliness underneath and not only did it leave you feeling tired, but promised you more work in the morning to try and get rid of it, or her, quickly.

[Alien Space Bats]

Across the empty vastness of the frozen void, the menacing form of the vast alien mother-ship slowly emerged, outlined by an array of tiny flickering Christmas-treelike running lights and filled with the dreadful, pulsating thrum generated by the unfathomable energies of its mysterious hyper-warp displacement drives, ominous and deadly in its implicit peril as it crept like a ravenous wolf down upon the unsuspecting colony of innocents far below.

I hope this is horrible enough for your liking.

[Grinning Dragon]

Standing in the shadows of a hidden away alley, it smelled of garbage and urine. There was a heavy fog that has filled the night, with only the occasional halo that seemed to spotlight the night from the streetlamps. It was here that has led Jack to this place, tonight was the night after months of investigation, spying and subterfuge, into the whereabouts of the industrial espionage ring leader.

Jack once a police detective, now gone rouge, tired of the slow pace of justice. He envisions himself a hero of the people and corporations or to anyone who would pay his price. Dressed in a long black leather duster, a fitting covering for this type of night, to ward off the chill of such nights as this. His leather hat hung low over his eyes, to conceal the whites of his eyes. He draws his last drag of a cigarette, drops it to the ground and as he exhales the cigarette smoke, he snuffs out the cigarette with his foot, he is about to make his move.

[Astrolinium]

Alexander cha-chaed elegantly into the bar, proceeding thus to ascend upon the tender tender's moobs and receive a swift kick to the genital regions; this ritual he oft repeated, for Azabulzugagar with not even six years having passed had come to him and ordained it in exchange for the life of his darling Holka, whose hairy mole sent tingles down his abdomen every time he became cognizant of its proximity.

[Forsher]

I have another.

It wasn't a dark and stormy night and the rain fell in that annoying way that's too heavy for spitting but doesn't really seem to be rain, a thought that was currently stuck in Richard's head like that Friday parody that was worse than the original as he tried to see in the gloom that his broken torch perpetuated.

Also this one.

Henrietta realised as she looked in the cold, hard glass of her mother's mirror, wearing her mother's wedding dress, that she looked exactly like her father, despite her hair, her make up and eyes being exactly the same as her mother's on the day of her wedding.

[Bombadil]

Marcus Bigglesworth knew that, as a dwarf, his life would be short, yet it would prove to be shorter than he thought.

[Cannot think of a name]

Dude, looking at that list of winners...go Pacific Coast, we fucking own this shit, man. Hell, Northern California alone is like a third of the winners. Man, can we write bullshit or what?

[Jerusalem and Damascus]

Deleted my first post because it just wasn't trite enough. I shall rectify that.

The luminscent hues of Princess Lagwardha's hair rippled throughout the air as she spun, shifting from pink to green to purple as she cut down the nefarious Kumwarians with her irridescent sword Hurogismir to defend the younglings.

There we are. Trite, nigh-incomprehensible, and very similar to my actual work.

[Ragnarsdomr]

The hail plopped outside like the produce of a diarhettic canine, giving a pleasant soundtrack to Jeff's life as he opened the book in front of him to page ninety-seven; Jeff looked at the chart displayed to him and said to nobody in particular "Oh, for fuck's sake, Byron Hall, why can't my elf's anal circumference be twenty inches?"

EDIT: Shortened the sentence to be rule-appropriate.

[Bombadil]

Dude, looking at that list of winners...go Pacific Coast, we fucking own this shit, man. Hell, Northern California alone is like a third of the winners. Man, can we write bullshit or what?

Hollywood.. explained.

[Nude East Ireland]

The turnip-coloured mountain tops loomed over the stone city as though they were a father towering over a child, but that was was ironic, for that the stones of the city had come from the mountains, making the father-son relationship between the two literal, meaning that the people were, in fact, the mountains.

[Salvarity]

The Angry cow made it's head peer out in the darkness , He was angry , He was the angry cow so technically he was angry , "BAH ANGER" he yelled out.

[Cannot think of a name]

oooh, I just realized my greatest narrative weakness is my ultimate strength...RUN ON SENTENCE POWER:ACTIVATE!

It wasn't so much the smell, he had grown accustom to the acrid stench over time and had even come to kind of enjoy it in a guilty way like self-generated room-clearing gas, and it wasn't the heat though no one had sufficiently explained to him why a 'dry heat' was supposed to be a good thing, but rather it was the sound, that uneven nasally whine that rose and fell with each undulation causing him to wonder why he had agreed to carry them if they were going to moan either way.

[Cannot think of a name]

Dude, looking at that list of winners...go Pacific Coast, we fucking own this shit, man. Hell, Northern California alone is like a third of the winners. Man, can we write bullshit or what?

Hollywood.. explained.

As it turns out, only one of those comes from anywhere near Hollywood (Manhattan Beach, in LA). The rest is NorCal and up.

[Cannot think of a name]

Marcus Bigglesworth knew that, as a dwarf, his life would be short, yet it would prove to be shorter than he thought.

The turnip-coloured mountain tops loomed over the stone city as though they were a father towering over a child, but that was was ironic, for that the stones of the city had come from the mountains, making the father-son relationship between the two literal, meaning that the people were, in fact, the mountains.

I have already lost.

[Jari Head]

Dude, looking at that list of winners...go Pacific Coast, we fucking own this shit, man. Hell, Northern California alone is like a third of the winners. Man, can we write bullshit or what?

Sounds like they've been looking to the State House for inspiration

[Nanatsu no Tsuki]

The mobile phone meowed, loudly, as if alive and there was no question about it; for in the silence of the darkened house, nothing else stirred.

[Grainne Ni Malley]

There wasn't a superfluous amount of felicity to be found in the life of an elephant caretaker for a traveling circus, but Ramon found a minute dropping of pleasure by gazing wistfully at Edwina as she fastidiously plucked remnants of lint and crumbs from her painstakingly groomed beard.