There's a load to get through so I'm going to break them down by individual and arbitrary categories. I'm only limiting them to songs I've listened to, whether it be start to finish or bits of them:
Worst song by people I hate: Charlie Puth and Meghan Trainor - Marvin Gaye. He completely lacks charm. She has a voice like a dying Squidward, which fortunately doesn't show up as much here. They have absolutely no chemistry together. The music sounds nothing like what Marvin would produce, even in his Here, My Dear phase. Absolutely terrible all-round.
Worst song by people I like: KMFDM - Achtung. It's just slow, En Esch's vocals in the chorus sound more like he's clearing his throat, the lyrics aren't really that great and overall it's just a chore to get through. One upside to it is that it doesn't ruin a perfectly good album (Naive), so it's not all bad.
Worst Eurovision entry that isn't from the UK: The Shin and Mariko - Three Minutes to Earth. When discussing this song during the actual Eurovision 2014, BBC semi-final commentator Scott Mills said that it sounds like a whole load of songs merged into one. And that's why it's terrible. It tries to be fusion but instead it comes across as a completely jumbled mess with no real identity of what it wants to be.
Worst Eurovision entry from the UK: James Newman - My Last Breath. This is literally a carbon copy of Bigger than Us, our entry from the year before. Still the same kind of vocals, still the same kind of beat, still the same tropes. Thank god Eurovision 2020 was cancelled and, even if it wasn't, thankfully most of the entries this year were average at best because we would've tanked. Now please let ITV air the contest so we can get a good entry again.
Worst song I discovered through NS: Iveta Mukuchyan - Hayastani Axjikner. I found this song because someone used it at the WorldVision Song Contest one time. The only nice thing I can say about it is that her singing's decent. Too bad the music itself is dull outside of the incredibly obnoxious pipe breakdowns, which is why it's on this list.
Worst song I've discovered through a video game: Hechizeros Band - El Sonidito. No one actually likes East Los FM from GTA V and this annoying beepy song is pretty much why, especially in story mode where it usually plays every time you get in a taxi. Thankfully you can actually change the radio station in them so you can put on something good.
Worst "straying from the roots" song: Coldplay feat. Avicii - A Sky Full of Stars. Musically it's average but it's terrible from a technical standpoint. I don't mind artists experimenting with different styles, after all people would drop off if you keep making the same stuff without building upon it, but this isn't a Coldplay song. It's literally an Avicii song with Chris Martin providing guest vocals. The other guys didn't even need to bother showing up.
Worst one-hit wonder: Lukas Graham - 7 Years. While I'm sure there are probably some Danes that are going to correct me, they haven't had another hit over here so they technically count. Anyway, the song feels incredibly uncomfortable (with parents as forceful and guilt-trippy as his, no wonder he started drinking as a kid), the music's twee and annoying and the lyrics aren't particularly interesting.
Worst comeback single: Justin Bieber - Yummy. I personally don't hate him but, my god, this is the worst thing he's ever made. The chorus is repetitive and boring, the beat itself is incredibly dull and he doesn't sound particularly interested in singing it. It sounds more like album filler than an exciting song from a well-established artist. Couple that with his somewhat iffy campaign to get it to #1 (
explain away melon), which fortunately didn't happen outside of New Zealand, and you can see why it's a good candidate for worst song of the year.
Worst diss track: B.o.B - Flatline. The beat's decent and his voice and flow are alright. The problem is that a) he doesn't simply or calmly explain his views or expands on his thoughts and instead gish gallops a whole bunch of other, unrelated conspiracies (including Holocaust denial of all things) and b) even if he's now past his prime now that Airplanes doesn't get as much airplay and his records don't sell as much, he could still afford a flight to the supposed edge to see if he's right or not.
Worst song from that mid 2010s dancehall craze - Rihanna (feat. Drake) - Work. I get that she's using Bajan patois and I'm perfectly fine with that, it would actually make an entertaining song. But her monotonous delivery, slathered autotune and boring beat (which feels like Future Days by Can on sedatives) pretty much makes her sound like she's forgotten the lyrics. Drake shows up but doesn't really add anything to the track other than a cringy line.
Worst crossover hit: Bebe Rexha (feat. Florida Georgia Line) - Meant To Be. Her singing's OK but she feels more like someone trying to cash in on the whole Albanian/Kosovar pop star craze that somehow happened. The beat's incredibly boring to the point where I actually can't remember how it goes and would probably forget once I stop listening to it. But the worst part comes from the guest artists, whose annoying twangy drawl just grates the instant you hear it and just doesn't fit with the song in general. How did this become a hit on this side of the Atlantic again?
Worst mysterious song: Curly Toes. For some reason, I've gotten into mysterious songs, which are basically songs where the audio's available to find but the actua details of it like the name of the song or the artist are pretty much lost (the most notable example being
The Most Mysterious Song On The Internet). And while I'm not exactly keen on outsider music, I can get why people are. Curly Toes, on the other hand, is just dreadful. The whole song feels like a bad acid trip and it's just a very uncomfortable listen. I hope it stays mysterious or, if someone is able to pin down an artist and song name, that we can all just forget about it after the hype dies down.
Worst movie theme (that got released as a single): Sam Smith - Writing's On The Wall. Don't get me wrong, they're capable of providing good songs (Promises, Dancing With A Stranger and that actually not bad cover of I Feel Love). The problem is when they try to make themselves as miserable as possible and record absolutely beige, dull tracks like this. They're pretty much like a shit Morrissey in that aspect. Especially when they release what is pretty much a Skyfall knock-off that lacks the triumph and emotion and instead feels more like the soundtrack for a film where a depressed James Bond watches sad movies and eats a lot of ice cream.
Worst song from a technical standpoint: Rihanna, Kanye West and Paul McCartney - FourFiveSeconds. Ten writers, six producers, all those recording locations and staff... just to make an incredibly boring and unfinished song that sounds like a more polished demo for an indie acoustic folk duo. Paul McCartney doesn't even have any vocals, whether it be filler or a different perspective, which makes him a waste in all honesty. Ye and RiRi sing it fairly decently but the lyrics feel more like a rough draft than a finished product. If I had to designate any of these songs I've mentioned as "the worst", it'd be this one. It'd feel like less of a waste of money if they took the entire budget they had to make this song and set it all on fire.
There are more but I'll probably edit them in. Which is why this post will end up being an entire page long and have about 100 edits.
Posted: Sun Oct 25, 2020 9:16 am