NationStates

I'm sure we all can recognise that not all of the classics are any good; just because a particular song came out decades ago doesn't mean it's automatically a good song. What we tend to forget is that the majority of the songs on the charts at any given time are simply disposable; "oldies" and "classic rock" stations on the radio play only a few hundred songs that test well among modern audiences, not necessarily the songs that were most popular during the period of time from which they play.

So what say ye? What hit songs from "back in the day" were actually really terrible songs? For the purposes of this thread, I'm defining a "hit" as a song that reached the Top 40 of the Billboard Hot 100 or other national or regional chart, so a terrible song that flopped everywhere wouldn't count, as I'm sure this thread would become a never-ending game of songs nobody's heard of in that case.

Here are some of my picks:

• Starland Vocal Band - Afternoon Delight (released 1976; chart #1, 1976). I don't like sex songs in general, and this one is particularly unsexy and bland to begin with. I knew from the first time I heard this one that I didn't like it.
• Rupert Holmes - Escape (released 1979; chart #1, 1980). This is the song that goes "if you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain..." and goes on for four and a half minutes with a morally corrupt story in which the male narrator is bored of his relationship, so he's reading the classified ads section of the newspaper one night, comes across one he likes, meets the person the next day, and discovers it's his own girlfriend. And instead of any confrontation or shock or anything, it's as though nothing happened as the chorus repeats with the guitar track in the background, which sounds like a music bit rejected from the game Wii Sports Resort anyway.
• REO Speedwagon - Can't Fight This Feeling (released 1984; chart #1, 1985). Overly sappy ballad that takes three minutes to go anywhere, in which the narrator comes across seeming like a user anyway. The song should reasonably be two minutes or so given its two-verse, two-chorus structure, but it comes out to almost five, and there were already plenty of other really bad sappy ballads on the charts in the 80s too.

I'm in a good mood today, so I'm not going to link to those songs, but I'm interested to see what the rest of NS has to say about "classics" that really aren't!

Ghost Land wrote:Rupert Holmes - Escape (released 1979; chart #1, 1980). This is the song that goes "if you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain..." and goes on for four and a half minutes with a morally corrupt story in which the male narrator is bored of his relationship, so he's reading the classified ads section of the newspaper one night, comes across one he likes, meets the person the next day, and discovers it's his own girlfriend. And instead of any confrontation or shock or anything, it's as though nothing happened as the chorus repeats with the guitar track in the background, which sounds like a music bit rejected from the game Wii Sports Resort anyway.

it's (#1) like (#1) you (#2) don't (#7) know (#1) what (#1) bad (#1) means (#5)
Rupert Holmes is Grade A yacht rock, and no where near the worst.

I'd also plump 90% of the classic rock radio format in there.

Conoga wrote:

Ghost Land wrote:Rupert Holmes - Escape (released 1979; chart #1, 1980). This is the song that goes "if you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain..." and goes on for four and a half minutes with a morally corrupt story in which the male narrator is bored of his relationship, so he's reading the classified ads section of the newspaper one night, comes across one he likes, meets the person the next day, and discovers it's his own girlfriend. And instead of any confrontation or shock or anything, it's as though nothing happened as the chorus repeats with the guitar track in the background, which sounds like a music bit rejected from the game Wii Sports Resort anyway.

it's (#1) like (#1) you (#2) don't (#7) know (#1) what (#1) bad (#1) means (#5)
Rupert Holmes is Grade A yacht rock, and no where near the worst.

I'd also plump 90% of the classic rock radio format in there.

Think you have nailed quite a lot there. I'd add this monstrosity which somehow made the top 50 all time physical sales of all time

I give you... Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HSNSTerj2Kc

Conoga wrote:

Ghost Land wrote:Rupert Holmes - Escape (released 1979; chart #1, 1980). This is the song that goes "if you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain..." and goes on for four and a half minutes with a morally corrupt story in which the male narrator is bored of his relationship, so he's reading the classified ads section of the newspaper one night, comes across one he likes, meets the person the next day, and discovers it's his own girlfriend. And instead of any confrontation or shock or anything, it's as though nothing happened as the chorus repeats with the guitar track in the background, which sounds like a music bit rejected from the game Wii Sports Resort anyway.

it's (#1) like (#1) you (#2) don't (#7) know (#1) what (#1) bad (#1) means (#5)
Rupert Holmes is Grade A yacht rock, and no where near the worst.

I'd also plump 90% of the classic rock radio format in there.

Seems like a severe distaste for stupid novelty songs judging by that list - perfectly understandable, though I'll admit a few of them can be fun in the right context. I'll agree that "Ebony and Ivory" isn't good.

It also seems that the UK chart has always been friendlier to unconventional and novelty songs than the US chart - is that a side effect of it being merely sales-based?

An Alan Smithee Nation wrote:
I'd add this monstrosity which somehow made the top 50 all time physical sales of all time

I give you... Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HSNSTerj2Kc

h

funny you say that - the tune popped into my my head the other day= I had a quick listen to the introduction and then looked for something else.

I'll give it another whirl sometime- just fo rol ' times sake. 'Middle of the Road' seemed to have a liking for cheesey titles- that being one of there better ones

/skip/

Black Lace’s Agadoo is so bad that BBC Radio 1 banned it at the time of release.

Source: https://www.theguardian.com/theobserver ... black-lace

I've always had a strong antipathy to Dean Friedman's Lucky Stars

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PyMnIip-9fY

Minoa wrote:Black Lace’s Agadoo is so bad that BBC Radio 1 banned it at the time of release.

Source: https://www.theguardian.com/theobserver ... black-lace

Don't you think that's a bit extreme of them, though? I mean, yeah, the song has stupid lyrics and is just a brainless novelty dance track, but there were plenty of other banal songs out at the time, so I don't see why this one had to be that big of a deal.

When I was in fifth grade, we even used "Agadoo" during our dance unit, and I remember one of my friends telling me a few days later that someone in his class had revised the lyrics to "push pineapple, take a pee".

Ghost Land wrote:Don't you think that's a bit extreme of them, though?

Sums up life under Thatcher, eh, mate?
It wasn't a big deal. They didn't want to play the song even if it was requested because it was too bad.

Conoga wrote:

Ghost Land wrote:Rupert Holmes - Escape (released 1979; chart #1, 1980). This is the song that goes "if you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain..." and goes on for four and a half minutes with a morally corrupt story in which the male narrator is bored of his relationship, so he's reading the classified ads section of the newspaper one night, comes across one he likes, meets the person the next day, and discovers it's his own girlfriend. And instead of any confrontation or shock or anything, it's as though nothing happened as the chorus repeats with the guitar track in the background, which sounds like a music bit rejected from the game Wii Sports Resort anyway.

it's (#1) like (#1) you (#2) don't (#7) know (#1) what (#1) bad (#1) means (#5)
Rupert Holmes is Grade A yacht rock, and no where near the worst.

I'd also plump 90% of the classic rock radio format in there.

Oh come on, the Doctorin' the Tardis music video is gold!

Disco Duck is one of the worst #1 hits of all time, and probably the worst disco song of all time.

I must be a fan of weird novelty songs, because I like most of the songs you folks have posted here so far.

I don't hate any song from that time. I grew up on it.

My mother does not like December 1963 and Making Love Out of Nothing At All

Blargoblarg wrote:I must be a fan of weird novelty songs, because I like most of the songs you folks have posted here so far.

You're the problem.

The Wurzels did nothing wrong.

Conoga wrote:

Blargoblarg wrote:I must be a fan of weird novelty songs, because I like most of the songs you folks have posted here so far.

You're the problem.

The Wurzels did nothing wrong.

I just have a really broad taste in music, which includes weird songs like those.

I do have one song that's really popular from the '70s that I can't stand. For some reason I hate Hotel California by The Eagles. I like other songs by The Eagles, but not that one.

Blargoblarg wrote:

Conoga wrote:You're the problem.

The Wurzels did nothing wrong.

I just have a really broad taste in music, which includes weird songs like those.

I do have one song that's really popular from the '70s that I can't stand. For some reason I hate Hotel California by The Eagles. I like other songs by The Eagles, but not that one.

...Wow that was too hot a hot take.

Blargoblarg wrote:

Conoga wrote:You're the problem.

The Wurzels did nothing wrong.

I just have a really broad taste in music, which includes weird songs like those.

I do have one song that's really popular from the '70s that I can't stand. For some reason I hate Hotel California by The Eagles. I like other songs by The Eagles, but not that one.

It's a pretty bad song.

Hazukenia wrote:I don't hate any song from that time. I grew up on it.

My mother does not like December 1963 and Making Love Out of Nothing At All

I don't like "December 1963" either. I turn from it every time it comes on, which is a lot.

Blargoblarg wrote:-snip-

I do have one song that's really popular from the '70s that I can't stand. For some reason I hate Hotel California by The Eagles. I like other songs by The Eagles, but not that one.

I don't like "Hotel California" either. Talk about a very average song extended to six and a half minutes. I knew from the first time I heard it that it wasn't as good as everyone says it is. I actually find a lot of the "greatest classic rawk" to be highly overrated and average at best.

I like "Escape", "Ebony and Ivory", and "Hotel California". I personally don't like "Video Killed the Radio Star" and a lot of 1980s synth pop (especially the kind that has deadpan vocals). An example I can think of is "You Spin Me (Like a Record)".

Anollasia wrote:I like "Escape", "Ebony and Ivory", and "Hotel California". I personally don't like "Video Killed the Radio Star" and a lot of 1980s synth pop (especially the kind that has deadpan vocals). An example I can think of is "You Spin Me (Like a Record)".

I feel Ebony And Ivory is a bit over-hated, if a bit generic but it's not the worst thing Paul and Stevie had done. Also the 80s synth pop was amazing like come on.

Anollasia wrote:I like "Escape", "Ebony and Ivory", and "Hotel California". I personally don't like "Video Killed the Radio Star" and a lot of 1980s synth pop (especially the kind that has deadpan vocals). An example I can think of is "You Spin Me (Like a Record)".

I used to like You Spin Me Round, but considering I've heard it approximately 182,337,694,950 times in my life, it's a bit stale now. Same thing goes for "Take On Me", "1999", and "September".

Bat Out of Hell. Most overrated, at least.

The Mosleyite British Union wrote:Bat Out of Hell. Most overrated, at least.

Oh yeah that reminds me I fucking hate Meat Loaf.

Dresderstan wrote:

The Mosleyite British Union wrote:Bat Out of Hell. Most overrated, at least.

Oh yeah that reminds me I fucking hate Meat Loaf.

First time I listened to the album, I was the most disappointed I've ever been about a piece of music. It's so underwhelming. Were we just in constant amateur hour back then?

Ghost Land wrote:

• Starland Vocal Band - Afternoon Delight (released 1976; chart #1, 1976). I don't like sex songs in general, and this one is particularly unsexy and bland to begin with. I knew from the first time I heard this one that I didn't like it.

This song is number one on most lists of this nature, which is most unfortunate, as this is a really good vocal group. Bill and Taffy Danoff were incredible vocal arrangers, and virtually every other song on their debut album was wonderful. I get the sense that Afternoon Delight was the idea of some record executive, who got radio airplay via DJ payola. It surely wrecked their career.

Give a listen to The Starland Vocal Band's cover of Paul Simon's American Tune. I like it better than Paul's version. Ditto Emmylou Harris's Boulder to Birmingham. Just nice vocal harmonies.