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Austro-German Socialist Republics
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Founded: Feb 20, 2017
Ex-Nation

Book draft

Postby Austro-German Socialist Republics » Tue Feb 21, 2017 1:05 am

Once upon a time in a School named Northcliffe High in the year 2001 there was a student named Jacob keep, he had very long dreadlocks, with a goatee and an earring on his right ear, the clothes he warred were the flowing: Black Janco jeans, a grey jumper with skulls and Ned Kelly’s helmet and the moto “life is such”. He was 170cm, is thin bulled, also his skin is normal white. Northcliffe high 14th of December Term 4 week 10 it was overcast with small drops of rain; the recess bell went at 10:50 for 3rd session and outside got darker every five minutes, Jacob walk in and sat down on a chair, then 30 section’s later the teacher walk in and said “O.K class we are going to down to the computer lab at U21, then Jacobs class got up and walked to U21; when he was walking he saw outside the glass door leading to the year 12 court yard, eyes that were bloodshot red coming closer but it went back in to the dark outside.
2 minutes later Jacob went in to the computer lab and the last computer was at the far end of the room, he walks down to the computer and sat down and turned it on, the computer monitor was the only light that shines that part of the room, he typed the password and pressed enter, then suddenly the lights blow out and sounds of fast running came from the hallway, people were talking and Jacob stand up and walked to his friend position which was in the middle of the room, then he walked up and said to him “ mate what the bloody hell happen to all the lights” he replied with “ well looks someone’s arse is going to be kicked in for this”, then the biggest scream Jacob and his friend Branson herd in their life’s it was a girl that was shouting “ BUGERR ME”.
The load running was back again but stopped, the girl that was screaming said loudly “AAAA me bloody soul is missing shit me fuck” Jacob his friend and the teacher were the only ones in the class to investigate, when their got outside it was a shook to see the girl that was screaming down laying naked with her eyes bleached white and the body was snow white, and words scared on saying “hot girl loves it. The teacher said “O.K you two stay here and I will get the Cons. Malcom, Branson said “Don’t be too long because I’m bloody scared. But their story has just begun.
Branson said to Jacob “poor sweetheart she didn’t deserve this shit” Jacob reply with “I know her she, stand up for me back in year 9 when two right wing twats picked on me because I was a Marxist, two weeks after it happened I kissed her on the chicks and she said o thanks sweet heart that made me feel good” Branson replied with “you lucky Basted Jacob” Jacob replied with “well she loved it that we went out for a 11 months then she broke up with me for some bloody resin” Branson said “well she will be missed by the school” Jacob replied with one more comment “ true point”.
Ten sections later there was at least 50 screams coming form down blow, Jacob can make up one of the screams that said “fucking run”, the PA made an announcement saying “word all teacher’s lock their class rooms doors now” then out of the corner was the teacher running and saying “get the bloody hell in now Branson and Jacob”, all 3 ran in and Branson slammed the door and locked it. Branson and Jacob both sat down on chairs near by the door, the teacher got his class attention and said “all right everyone now just ten minutes ago I ran to see cons. Malcom and he said to me that the school is being attacked by a demon and this demon take peoples souls and keeps them in a glass jay. He also said that we must stay in are rooms until they make it clear” Jacob reply with “well it looks like we all bloody dead now” Branson replied “don’t be scared we can get through this basted of a shit”. Jacob said to the teacher “ has this happen before” the teacher replied with “ well yes back in 1985 when your brother was here, I can still remember that day it was overcast the sky was black as a dirt and that day in 3rd session you brother was in my class and had to go to U22 were the new computer lab was finish being bulled and I said to my class O.K we are going to U22 to have a look at the new computer lab, and then we are going back and finishing of you work for the year. So, we walked but when I was walking you brother came up to me and said he saw blood shot eyes just outside the glass door leading to the year 12 court yard but I should had heard him because that day was a bloody shit storm”. Jacob then said “so it has come back to take souls”, the teacher replied with “yes after all these years the bloody basted has returned and its coming after you Branson and me, Jacob and Branson both yelled “Barger me fucking head we are all dead”, the teacher then replied with “yes we are in big shit but us 3 must fight this basted of a thing or let this school be fucked”.
Jacob said “so what do me and Branson do”, the teacher replied with “O.K Jacob you will get this form U43, is the pump-action shot gun that your brother used to injure the demon, Branson you will get the bullets for the shot gun at U35, so both Branson and Jacob went different ways to get the things to kill the demon. Jacob was running so fast that he only took 2 minutes but as he was running the demon saw him and chased him, Jacob ran as fast as he could and he made it to U43 and slammed the door and used a locker to block it, when he stopped blocking the door he looked around for the pump-action shotgun, when he was walking he had a strange feeling that something was behind him, in the room he saw spider-webs, dust and old burned books, then suddenly two arms hugged his body, then a whisper of a women said to his ears “hello sweetheart do you want to play”, Jacob was left speechless and didn’t want to say anything, then the voice came again and said to him “let’s play with you stuff”, then one hand grabbed his bulls and dick rock hard that blood started to come out his mouth, more and more blood came out as she was grabbing it harder and harder, then she whispered “you like this you horny basted do you I know you do say it come on speak up your horny shit”, then she let go of him and went.
Jacob fillet like he had been shot because of all the blood that came out of his mouth, but after she let go he didn’t feel any pain down below, then he saw the shotgun at run to the door, he picked up the locker and put it to the side, then unlocking the door and bolted to his class room, when he got there he strait away said to his teacher “I have got the pump-action shotgun” the teacher replied with “ good so anything chase you when you were going to get it” Jacob said “ the demon saw me so I bloody bolted to U43, and when I was in the room some women hugged me and said some weird things, and then her right hand grabbed my dick and bulls rock hard, then big mobs of bloody came out of my mouth.
The teacher then replied with “well I see that you have meet one of the sweet heart twins, the one you got a blood job form was Lilyana, the older one. She can be a bit mean sometimes but later she word say sorry for being mean to you, then you Tale, she is supper nice and is more of a sex addict in my option, she will use her eyes to get a boy, and when she has got you, she will give you a blowjob and you will feel like so relaxed, and then you will be put to sleep” Jacob replied “that’s bloody ace”.

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USS Monitor
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Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

Postby USS Monitor » Wed Feb 22, 2017 12:32 am

You need to do some serious proofreading.

Think about style more. Writing a good story isn't just about readers being able to get the information. The flow of the writing is important too.

Also think about whether the info that you're giving is actually relevant. Do we really need so many details about Jacob's physical appearance right off the bat? You might get away with it if the sentences flowed better, but I don't think you need so many details. Pick out a few things that are the most distinctive or important. For example, "normal white" skin isn't distinctive, so you could leave that out. Dreadlocks, a thin build, black jeans, and a grey jumper with skulls should probably stay because they're things you would immediately notice if you met him. Specifying Janco jeans or 170cm is getting overly specific.

Do we need details like the exact times that classes start or the room numbers?

When people give you advice about your writing, give it some consideration, but keep in mind that you don't have to take every piece of advice that you get. That includes the advice I just gave you. Obviously, I think it's good advice, or else I wouldn't have said it -- but you should still think about it yourself and make up your own mind. At the end of the day, it's your story, not mine or anyone else's, and it's important for you to take ownership of your writing.
Don't take life so serious... it isn't permanent... RIP Dyakovo and Ashmoria
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