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Summer 2015 Short Story Contest

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Unitaristic Regions
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Founded: Apr 15, 2013
Ex-Nation

Postby Unitaristic Regions » Fri Nov 27, 2015 3:57 pm

Forsher wrote:
Unitaristic Regions wrote:Guys, this is really taking too long. I hope I don't sound like a complete twat saying this, but it's probably been a month without progress now, I do think this is justified. I would propose just canceling this contest and coming up with a new system to judge, trying to use judges that have proven they can stick to a deadline.



I've never been a fan of this argument. All written work is derivative and formulaic to an extent. The rules for writing you use? Thought up by another. The words, grammar and letters? Communal inventions. The themes your genre uses (in Fantasy that would be the monomyth and good vs evil) have already been thought up. Writers use clichéd similes like 'white as snow' which have been invented by others and unconsciously copy things they thought were cool.

Fan fiction simply goes a step further, using a particular world and a particular set of characters: but it can still come up with an original story, which can easily tear it loose from most derivative constraints if originally plotted. In that matter, books that are not originally plotted (like Eragon) are more derivative than fan fiction. For example, I could write two stories about president Obama set in New York or Washington, using a few core characters that would be the same in each book, and yet write completely different stories. Because working within the world of New York I can still create 'sub-realms' (like cafés) which are original, create new characters, and have the existing ones develop differently in both stories.

I have no patience for authors who complain about their 'creations' yet cannot realize they took their knowledge from those that came before. That's just arrogance.


The question is not whether, say, extended teddy bear metaphors are, for instance, derivative but whether or not it's materially relevant.

Consider, for instance, the Autumn 2014 contest. At the time I'd probably just finished my exams/was still in the middle of them and had been not studying by watching episodes of Avatar (the real one, so no space)... I was, in fact, particularly enthused by the desert like state of several episodes in Book Two. My story was set in a desert world as such (hence the cabbages were, in fact, a homage; although it also allowed a joke). However, it was a different desert world with what is, in my opinion, more Middle Eastern or African (for instance Boku Desert) than Chinese influences. It also ultimately, plot wise, ended up borrowing a much older idea of mine (I have, for several years, been trying to write a story about escaped slaves). This wasn't fan fiction but it did have a particularly obvious influence (compare and contrast my entry in the contest before that which was basically any espionage plot).

Now, there was probably no reason why, given the plot, that I couldn't have set the thing in the Avatar-verse. I mean, it wouldn't have been as fun for me to write because I wanted to explore a desert environment but I could've done that (I think the sandbenders would've been suitably amoral traders). Fundamentally, nothing probably would've changed about the story, yet the praise I got for the world-building (from two judges) would've rung hollow. In the context of the rubric we had at the time (rather than the rough guide we have here), writing fanfic basically means that the hard work in establishing a world and/or characters is done. Sure, you've got to express and execute this stuff yourself, but you're also going to take a hit on the creativity (depending how it is interpreted*).

For instance, when I was judging I basically took all the elements that were in the story and considered how they were used. (Current Judges read no further.) For instance, you might look at the story I wrote in this contest and consider: lazy (and unclean) king, vizier with plans (but barely competent, and unselfish plans), medieval-ish and whatever else you find relevant (dodgy people in dodgy public houses etc.), put it in some kind of context... such as the story clearly, at times, being designed for humour... and then decide what that means in terms of creativity. This will pick up what you're saying about being derivative... yet you see immediately that if you have lazy, unclean kings and semi-competent unselfish viziers in a serious plot it is, if not more creative, definitely more daring than if it is included in something like the end product I actually produced here.

In this sense I am saying that creativity depends as much on the context that all the elements of a plot appear in matters as least as much as the plot itself.


Yes, but what I'm saying again and again is that that fanfic still morphs world and character by developing character and world further. So the elements of the plot aren't identical. But I can emphatize when you say praise would ring hollow if you'd just used the world of Avatar. When I write a story I also like to invent everything myself, but that's because I'm a rigid purist at heart, not because I disagree with borrowing used settings XD. Actually, I've written Avatar fanfic. It was the first and last time I wrote fanfic.
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Nerotysia
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Ex-Nation

Postby Nerotysia » Fri Nov 27, 2015 6:55 pm

Unitaristic Regions wrote:Ugh, why can't two people on NS just ever agree right away when one complains >:(. I don't like online discussion all that much anymore, so I'm going to reply once.

Well alright then. xD

Unitaristic Regions wrote:This is empirically wrong. Eragon did not have a creative world (most reviewers will agree) or creative characters (idem) and strove to be archetypal in its story. Yet, it was not LOTR. Why? Because it was similar, and not the same. Something is not identical because it is ordinary. Eragon might be almost the same as Aragorn, yet is a somewhat different name in the end.

Alright, so I used the word creative when I should have used the word original. That's my fault. But yes, original fiction is defined by having original characters and setting (even if the only thing that's original is the names).

Unitaristic Regions wrote:Secondly, plot doesn't entirely depend on characters and setting, because it could very well exist independently of good character or good setting, while of course still needing some.

No, you're misunderstanding me. What I mean is this: plot is merely an outgrowth of character motivation and the actions characters take in response to that motivation, and the context in which those actions are taken (ie: the world/setting). There is no plot independent of character motivation or setting, because plot is defined by motivation and setting. Even if the motivations aren't the protagonist's. For example, Eragon - his desire for vengeance kickstarts the whole plot, and if I remember correctly (it's been a while since I've read the books), the overarching plot is a result of the rebels' desire to overthrow Galbatorix, and Galbatorix's desire to keep power. The clash of motivations births the plot - this is the case in every story ever told by anyone ever (if I may be so bold).

Unitaristic Regions wrote:So, if we clarify 'Plot is entirely dependent on the characters and the world' this way it would become 'Plot is very dependant on good characters and only a little on a good world'. This evens out the discourse. If world isn't all that important to a story then we should mostly look at character. (which is something I've argued in the writing discussion:

-snip-

Again, you are misunderstanding me. I'm not talking about "world" as in the fantasy kingdom ruled by dragons. I'm just using "world" as a stand-in for "setting," which is the context in which the characters act. Eragon's motivations only make sense in the context of his world - in fact, his motivations are a direct result of the motivated actions of all the other characters in his world, and the world's effect on him and his character. So plot is just character motivation and how this motivation affects or is affected by the setting. Character and setting are the bedrock.

Unitaristic Regions wrote:Did you even read what I said? Of course fanfiction is 'exceptionally linked', I never denied that. I just said that all writing is already so derivative that if you try to ban fanfiction for being 'derivative' you might as well ban everything we've written since the stone age. Taking stuff from another and changing it is what normal fiction does, and it's what fanfiction should do.

Of course everything is derivative, but fanfiction takes it a step further, as you said. And we've decided to regard that extra step as particularly unoriginal, and I'd generally agree, but it is a subjective judgement. Nonetheless, it's an extra step, and it's an important one.

Unitaristic Regions wrote:Are you aware of how fanfiction functions? Fanfics usually create new characters to use in existing stories to fit with a changing plot.

Then why not just write an original work? If you've created original characters - just change the labels on the setting, or spend time to develop a new setting. The fanfiction I've read often uses the work's characters and setting - I don't see much fanfic with original characters. But that's irrelevant - if you're going to bother creating new characters, why not just create or recreate the setting as well?

Unitaristic Regions wrote:You don't get the point I'm trying to make. A 'world' is an empty shell, and so are characters as far as character development is concerned.

Huh? The world, IE the setting, is integral to the story.

Unitaristic Regions wrote:Fanfiction develops existing ideas, adding originality, just as normal fiction does. Good stories develop character archetypes in a new way, good fanfics develop characters in a new way.

And there's a difference. And even if you think that there's not much of a difference, there is definitely a difference.

Unitaristic Regions wrote:Good stories create a good new world, good fanfics give existing worlds an original spin. Fanfic is somewhat more derivative, but only barely if we look at the larger scheme of the development of literature: which spans thousands of years.

Even if it's only millimeters more derivative, it's still more derivative. Small distinctions aren't inherently less important just because they're small, especially in creative pursuits.

Unitaristic Regions wrote:I don't want to argue this much further: I feel like I've been brusque to you and I have a headache. My point should have been made, I hope you can emphatize with it a little.

I do, and I agree with you for the most part. Literature is derivative, and "original" or "creative" ideas aren't super important - it's the execution of those ideas that really mattes. But I think you're a bit soft on fanfiction, and a bit hard on original fiction. And just because original ideas aren't super important, doesn't mean they're not slightly important.
Last edited by Nerotysia on Fri Nov 27, 2015 7:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Nerotysia
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Postby Nerotysia » Fri Nov 27, 2015 7:08 pm

Unitaristic Regions wrote:Yes, but what I'm saying again and again is that that fanfic still morphs world and character by developing character and world further. So the elements of the plot aren't identical.

Right, and that's not the same as creating a world and characters yourself and then developing them. It's a small distinction, and you could argue it's almost meaningless, but it's a distinction. To clarify, I'm not saying fanfiction is worthless or less valuable or whatever - it's just different.

Unitaristic Regions wrote:But I can emphatize when you say praise would ring hollow if you'd just used the world of Avatar. When I write a story I also like to invent everything myself, but that's because I'm a rigid purist at heart, not because I disagree with borrowing used settings XD. Actually, I've written Avatar fanfic. It was the first and last time I wrote fanfic.

I've written a few fanfics, although they all consist of me simply Mary-Sue-ing myself into the story. They will never be seen by anyone ever.

If I may say so, it is a bit - demoralizing - that this thread is slowly morphing into Writing Discussion 2.0 (With Occasional Judgments!) Though it is mostly my fault, I will admit...forgive me, NFP.

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Respubliko de Libereco
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Ex-Nation

Postby Respubliko de Libereco » Sun Nov 29, 2015 10:00 pm

If we were to ditch the requirement for in-depth explanations, instead asking for just 3-4 sentences and a holistic mark, the judges would probably get everything done a lot quicker. It's not a great tradeoff, but the contestants might be willing to accept it at this point.
Last edited by Respubliko de Libereco on Sun Nov 29, 2015 10:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Forsher
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Postby Forsher » Sun Nov 29, 2015 10:48 pm

Respubliko de Libereco wrote:If we were to ditch the requirement for in-depth explanations, instead asking for just 3-4 sentences and a holistic mark, the judges would probably get everything done a lot quicker. It's not a great tradeoff, but the contestants might be willing to accept it at this point.


It's not so much a requirement as convention... there have been a few stories (well, at least one) that I've entered that have simply garnered numerical feedback.

Although I would agree it speeds things up and, thus, probably means things will get done faster. One of the reasons why I was so slow last time around was that it took me a while to do each one (long enough that if I had an hour's break, as was often the case, I wasn't sure if I'd be able to finish a judgement given I also have to check other things in that hour + 10 minutes allowance for travelling).

Personally, I would also cut the word limit down to about 4000. This would, I feel, make things feel less daunting for judges.
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Respubliko de Libereco
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Postby Respubliko de Libereco » Thu Dec 24, 2015 12:31 pm

*Pokes thread with stick*

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Nerotysia
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Ex-Nation

Postby Nerotysia » Thu Dec 24, 2015 1:33 pm

This thing is really dead isn't it.

...can I have the ashes?

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Unitaristic Regions
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Founded: Apr 15, 2013
Ex-Nation

Postby Unitaristic Regions » Thu Jan 14, 2016 5:44 am

Nerotysia wrote:This thing is really dead isn't it.

...can I have the ashes?


He would watch the world burn if he could be king of the ashes.

On another note, shall we just start another contest?
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Infected Mushroom
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Corrupt Dictatorship

Postby Infected Mushroom » Thu Jan 14, 2016 11:27 am

Unitaristic Regions wrote:
Nerotysia wrote:This thing is really dead isn't it.

...can I have the ashes?


He would watch the world burn if he could be king of the ashes.

On another note, shall we just start another contest?


Tell me Brother... what is the value of a contest without Results?

Is it not like a chariot without wheels, a castle without provisions, a crown without power?

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Unitaristic Regions
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Ex-Nation

Postby Unitaristic Regions » Thu Jan 14, 2016 11:50 am

Infected Mushroom wrote:
Unitaristic Regions wrote:
He would watch the world burn if he could be king of the ashes.

On another note, shall we just start another contest?


Tell me Brother... what is the value of a contest without Results?

Is it not like a chariot without wheels, a castle without provisions, a crown without power?


I'll take a crown without power any day if its solid gold :p

Yeah, that's exactly why we should just forget this one contest ever happened ;). It's not worth it to just put it on hold forever, hoping someone will finally judge it.
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USS Monitor
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Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

Postby USS Monitor » Thu Jan 14, 2016 2:24 pm

Forsher wrote:Personally, I would also cut the word limit down to about 4000. This would, I feel, make things feel less daunting for judges.


If there is ever another one of these, I think a shorter wordcount is a good idea.
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Luminesa
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Postby Luminesa » Thu Jan 14, 2016 9:07 pm

USS Monitor wrote:
Forsher wrote:Personally, I would also cut the word limit down to about 4000. This would, I feel, make things feel less daunting for judges.


If there is ever another one of these, I think a shorter wordcount is a good idea.


Not my fault I been busy... -_____-

Seriously, am I the only one who did any judging at all?
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USS Monitor
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Postby USS Monitor » Thu Jan 14, 2016 11:27 pm

Luminesa wrote:
USS Monitor wrote:
If there is ever another one of these, I think a shorter wordcount is a good idea.


Not my fault I been busy... -_____-

Seriously, am I the only one who did any judging at all?


Respubliko judged all the stories.

You and Italios are supposed to be the other two judges, though we had a couple of other people quit on us before recruiting you. But hey, it's not too late to pick up where you left off and judge more. :)
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Nazi Flower Power
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Postby Nazi Flower Power » Thu Jan 14, 2016 11:33 pm

Infected Mushroom wrote:I was wondering, is there any particular reason fan fiction is not allowed?

I feel like this really plays against one of my strengths as a writer (which is to satirise certain aspects of existing stories or to intentionally change the tone of existing stories).


You can satirize public domain stories if you want.

The fanfic rule has been there since CM hosted the first one of these contests, and I think it's there to encourage people to be more original and independent.
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Luminesa
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Postby Luminesa » Thu Jan 14, 2016 11:39 pm

USS Monitor wrote:
Luminesa wrote:
Not my fault I been busy... -_____-

Seriously, am I the only one who did any judging at all?


Respubliko judged all the stories.

You and Italios are supposed to be the other two judges, though we had a couple of other people quit on us before recruiting you. But hey, it's not too late to pick up where you left off and judge more. :)


Wow, talk about a workhorse! :blink:

I'll see what I can do...Which two did I already judge? Need to figure out where I left off. Do we also have a list of all the stories?
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and the greatest is love."
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Nazi Flower Power
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Postby Nazi Flower Power » Thu Jan 14, 2016 11:44 pm

Unitaristic Regions wrote:Guys, this is really taking too long. I hope I don't sound like a complete twat saying this, but it's probably been a month without progress now, I do think this is justified. I would propose just canceling this contest and coming up with a new system to judge, trying to use judges that have proven they can stick to a deadline.


If you have suggestions for a better system of judging, I'm open to them. You are justified in complaining about the delay. I am not sure how much I could have done to prevent it, but I kind of ran out of motivation to keep reminding people.

Sticking to judges with proven track records is difficult because then we'd end up with the same few people judging all the time, and there's not much you can do about it if those people get busy or burned out.
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Nazi Flower Power
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Postby Nazi Flower Power » Thu Jan 14, 2016 11:48 pm

Respubliko de Libereco wrote:If we were to ditch the requirement for in-depth explanations, instead asking for just 3-4 sentences and a holistic mark, the judges would probably get everything done a lot quicker. It's not a great tradeoff, but the contestants might be willing to accept it at this point.


I won't be a hard-ass about the depth of commentary on judgements.
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Nazi Flower Power
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Postby Nazi Flower Power » Thu Jan 14, 2016 11:49 pm

Luminesa wrote:
USS Monitor wrote:
Respubliko judged all the stories.

You and Italios are supposed to be the other two judges, though we had a couple of other people quit on us before recruiting you. But hey, it's not too late to pick up where you left off and judge more. :)


Wow, talk about a workhorse! :blink:

I'll see what I can do...Which two did I already judge? Need to figure out where I left off. Do we also have a list of all the stories?


There are links to all the stories in the OP of this thread.
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Forsher
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Postby Forsher » Mon Jun 27, 2016 9:39 pm

I am pleased to announce that we have found another judge.

I am not so pleased to announce that this other judge was me and thus I have to withdraw my entry from the competition. Of course, if anyone wants to fake "judge" Niemand for me I would be very grateful. Also, most of these judgements were actually written months ago (December/January) before I started summer school which ran quickly into semester one (which just finished).

So, with no further ado, the judgements that have been decided to end the competition (apologies to those participants who were only judged twice).

The New Greek Republic – Jericho
75/100

I actually really liked this story but it started slowly. In part this was because the beginning had more of the clumsy phrasing that I sometimes noticed later on. I was also thrown by “giving he who made me sincere praise” as I am used to the convention of referring to God as “He” rather than “he” when using pronouns. However, with the arrival of the dialogue I felt that the story really came into its own.

Jericho’s lead character is intriguing. The sense of denial, though, I personally didn’t pick up myself so being told that his swimming out of the pool of fire was useful. In terms of succeeding plot (which was compelling and well thought out) proceeding with an alternative understanding (e.g. a desire for freedom) would have been a hindrance. That being said, it also makes sense that Jericho himself would not have been aware of this, so Satan’s telling is plot consistent.

In terms of the way this story was put together, the use of first person was a great a choice and it helped work in some imagery which was really rather good. Yet, and this may have resulted from transferring the story from Word or whatever, the formatting was offputting. If you recall/look at the previous contests sometimes the way that story looks helps create an appropriate atmosphere for the text: if that was attempted here it didn’t work. The paragraphing itself also sometimes included multiple ideas.

The clumsiness that I mentioned sometimes resulted from inconsistencies. For instance, it seemed as though the Hell Hound and Jericho were both impaled on the spikes at one point, but the end of the sentence revealed the Hound had vanished. In other places it just doesn’t seem right. Possibly the only way to avoid this is to come back to the text a while after its completion to read it “cold,” as it were. This may also help pick up on typos (e.g. “read” for “red”) and the frequent use of “it’s” for “its”.

On the whole, as I said, I really did like this story. What stopped it from getting a better score was the less good beginning, the structural flaws and that sense of clumsiness (when I felt it).


Vrolondia – The Black to Theralia
50/100

This was a functional story. I was neither disinterested nor completely intrigued. The nature of the mystery and its execution was entirely sufficient to have me wondering but this was spoilt by the nature of the “meeter’s” interpretation. It did not seem at all to be a logical conclusion.

In some ways, this short piece of prose was evocative of Ozymandias, a short piece of poetry. After all, “I met a traveller from an antique land” versus “I found a thing of antiquity in years long passed”. I don’t know if this was deliberate but it definitely influenced my approach to the story. I also thought of Pompeii. However, I think the latter stages of the story put this clearly in the fantasy genre (assuming, of course, that “soul” was not literal).

On a mechanical level, I haven’t personally encountered “blah blah; Yadda yadda” so I’m not sure if that is correct (compare and contrast “blah blah: Yadda yadda” which one does see alongside “blah blah: yadda yadda”). Similarly, I think a new paragraph probably should have been started after that first title drop. Otherwise, the way this was written did enough to keep the interest but better imagery and more feel for the characters (themselves and their place in space and time) would have helped a create a more compelling and mysterious atmosphere. That is, maybe this was a bit short for what it wanted to achieve. Also, there was lie/lay and some tense confusion.

Based on the plot, this story is simple but stronger than it is in comparison to the characters and the setting. That is not necessarily a bad thing but those other important aspects are also weak, hence a functional story.


Infected Mushroom – The Sacrifice
85/100

I’ll confess, I remember vaguely reading Respubliko’s judgement months ago for this story and that’s why I the “seven homerooms” thing made me think of Game of Thrones/ASOIF because otherwise I wouldn’t have thought of that at all. I must also point out that I am generally highly sympathetic to things set in schools. However, I don’t think even that latter bit means that this story really isn’t genuinely humorous where it wants to be and compelling when it wants a slightly different tack.

Stansfield’s name may well be a case of “What were his parent’s thinking” and if there is any symbolism to that name I don’t get it but for the most part the character itself is a good one. The premise that someone is that keen on being “class president” is less believable than David’s electing to kill his friend/hire someone to do it… even factoring in Lady Macbeth Emily and the visions. However, that’s the only issue with the character… once you accept that premise it all works.

The question, then, is whether or not accepting that premise is something that we ought to struggle with. And, personally, in a world where blood magic is used successfully I am not convinced that this is the case. The plot is some weird blend of House of Cards (at least, the original adaptation) and something like that live action Scooby Doo film (which has blood magic, you see) but it works. And I don’t think it would work if it weren’t for the dialogue heavy nature of the storytelling.

However, because it’s almost a script, we don’t get much of a feel for the setting. Does that matter? Well, probably not. We find out what we need to know to help us get a feel for Stansfield but there isn’t really a demand for something more. The major exception to that is the “seven homerooms” kind of thing. We aren’t really given enough to figure out if this is just the addled mindset of Stansfield or some kind of broader mentality of the school… and while I am satisfied with the aforementioned premise, filling in aspects of setting like this would help for those less naturally sympathetic.

As a final note, I think it would possibly pay to alter your setting. Instead of homerooms, use houses although maybe this is, to you, a foreign idea, in which case refer to Harry Potter and possibly pretend that it makes sense to have class presidents and houses simultaneously.
Basically, The Sacrifice is what one might call rip-roaring. It’s fun, it’s fast and I feel rewarded for having read it. What else does a short story want to do, if not entertain?


Animal Farm United – Beautiful Day
45/100

Firstly, I’d like to apologise on behalf of the contest for your having CTE’d before we managed to finish judging the contest. This is, ignoring this contest and its immediate predecessor, not a reasonable risk. Secondly, on the off chance that you do happen to reach this contest again, I have proceeded with judging anyway. Thirdly, the following judgement is spoiler heavy.

I think this story was probably trying to go for juxtaposition. What it broadly achieved, however, was inconsistency. The basic idea of suicide and beautiful days is, probably, common enough to be somewhere on TVtropes as a trope. Upbeat music and suicide also goes together (e.g. “can’t stand losing you” which I have been listening to lately, so that may have influenced my perception of the originality of this juxtaposition). Anyway, the point is that this central idea is fine, if not overly creative. The problem is that the inconsistency arises in what has been built around this.

Take, for instance, Jack’s clear intention to kill himself and his earlier thoughts about what he was to have for lunch. It seems, at this point, as though Jack isn’t going to kill himself at all, but we know by the end that he is. Perhaps this was a stylistic decision to try and make the suicide a twist. If so, it didn’t work in that sense either (the phonecalls make death seem certain). What we end up with is a story about a nice afternoon walk being attached to the death of a lonely, overworked student.

There were also inconsistencies introduced as a result of mechanical decisions. For instance, the description “radiated” is imagery strongly associated with the sun, which we later find out was shadowed. (That was also a missed opportunity for some foreshadowing.) Another inconsistent bit of imagery related to the steps being described as steeper and steady. Logically, that is fine (a piecewise function can be steeper in one part and steady within that part, than in another) but in terms of how people tend to think, it’s something that pulls one out of the story.
That being said, there was some good imagery created in setting up the scene of the suicide (although “how beautiful of a day it was” includes a superfluous “of”), even if it could get a bit repetitive (especially given that the beauty of the day was shown, we didn’t really need to be told so many times).

Little choices in Jack’s comments also helped to create a sense of character (you know, beyond Mole’s emergence from his home, tired of white washing). This turned out to be tremendously important as it gave us a context for the sudden death. However, we would like to know why he is Jack and his sister is Jacqueline.

This story has several good small choices but these, ultimately, didn’t conceal the broader inconsistency: which is a shame because otherwise it’s a fairly neat little story.


Jacobania – Stanley
75/100

Fairy Tales aren’t quite like normal stories. They don’t flesh things out as much and they are, perhaps, consequentially more efficient in terms of their plot. Yet, fairy tales are great fun. They have talking animals, hunters, little children and, sometimes, depressing ends. I say all this because I think you have written a very good fairy tale and it is that context, for it seems the genre that counts, that I award the above score.
However, there were a few things to be a bit critical about. Now I am one to talk (see my former entry in this contest), but a lack of care in proof reading seems responsible for the absence of an “other” in the following “while the children would play in the soot.” As Stanley had been described as a “little boy,” this caused me needless confusion and brought me out of the story. There were a couple of other mechanical problems that have nothing to do with fairy tales but, on the whole, not to many of these. I think, were this the old rubric, your spelling and grammar would’ve obtained a 4/5 from me.

I really liked the creativity of this. I was expecting, once I decided this was a fairy tale, a succession of helpful animals. The rabbit, however, turned out to be a wolf… or, rather, a fox… interested purely in its own survival, willing to do whatever it took. The boy, no doubt fed a steady diet of Redwalls, implicitly trusted the rabbit and feared the wolf (maybe this is more a fable?) to his cost. Likewise, the hunter did not save the boy from the wolf. It’s almost the opposite of the Musicians of Bremen… the tired workers there are animals and find some people whom they overcome.

Character wise, Stanley is well put together. He has a clear motivation (he wants to get to where the grass is greener, er, sooty) and the way he responds to the animals makes perfect sense. He is, also, I fear cleverer than me in that seeing the wolf at the end makes perfect, instantaneous sense to him. The failure to yell in pain, I assume, is a stylistic choice rather than my incorrectly assuming the hunter shot him. If I am correct, that works very well too.

Finally, the setting was also pretty good. However, I think even a fairy tale just needs to be either a little bit more clear about why Stanley can’t not go to the mines or, alternatively, not mention it at all. It sounds odd, that both are options I mean, but as I said, fairy tales aren’t quite the usual.

Stanley is a highly creative fairy tale that is more than equal to the sum of its parts.


Unitaristic Regions – The Bleak Place
40/100

This was another story which I felt began on the slower side. It had some decent imagery and in general became much more intriguing and involved once we got past the poem (which, to a large extent, helped to build the improved atmosphere). It’s possible that the earlier part of the story was less focussed on building the story than it could have been.

There are some great descriptive moments in this story but at the start they seem to just create consistently long sentence, rather than build up the story’s setting or its characters. The use of “virile” to describe the colour brown was also curious. I guess “strong” or “energetic” descriptions of colour exist, but there’s a reason why brown is considered to be dull. Additionally, bricks are more on the red or orange ends of the colour spectrum than brown. When we compare the descriptions later on there’s a bit more sentence variety and they make more intuitive sense. Thus, those later descriptions pack a greater punch.

I think the generally long sentences also created a little bit of ambiguity (for instance the sentence involving “mud, surface”) and may have resulted in some tense confusion. However, for the most part, my major criticism with respect to the structure of the story relates to deciding to centre the text. I’m not sure why you did that. The only time it made sense and added something to what you wrote was when Urd recalled the childhood rhyme. I think it’s also possible that the centring contributed to the aforementioned sentence length issue.

Speaking of the characters… neither really came to life until their lives were on the line. At the start of the story, I didn’t feel as though we were invested in the characters. Indeed, when you had to set up their fear of the place it was a jarring description that brought me out of the story. As the story went on we gained a better impression of the characters and what drove them (it seemed to me that they didn’t want to live underground any more… although I have recently seen a film where that’s an important motivation). We definitely come to understand why there is that jarring description. Yet, in what is clearly a serious story, we find “Always a hospitable lad, dear Ryk.” Now, I love this kind of narration normally (as, perhaps, was evident in my former entry to this contest) but here it just seems completely out of place, representing a dramatic shift in tone.

On the face of it, the poem is one of the best parts of The Bleak Place but it’s basically saved for last. It’s also one of the more creative parts of the story (insofar as apocalyptic futures where Man is driven underground by mysterious night-time terrors are nothing new). I think, ultimately, the strong ending, good descriptions and, in the last third at least, compelling plot resulted in a story which I found quite hard to score holistically. Sadly, I thought the bits that didn’t work stood out just a little bit more.


Olivaero – A Moonless Night
38/100

One of the big things with grammar is clarity and, to the extent this is different, avoiding ambiguity. The punctuation here was bad enough that neither of these objectives were aided by it. Similarly, a line of dialogue is generally taken to mean that a new paragraph should begin… that this didn’t happen and the former issue with the punctuation added to a sometimes confusing story. (I think most of the punctuation problems would be picked up by not coming in contact with or thinking about the story for at least a week, and then proof-reading.)

This story has a simplistic style. At its core, we don’t need to know anything about the setting to understand what is happening (at least, at first), so we don’t get told anything beyond the size of the room (basically). It’s perspective is inextricable from James’, which works quite well because this is a story more or less about James coming to understand why his brother’s first response is murderous rage. It’s also a style that seems to follow James’ thoughts well… making comparisons of the twins less expositiony.

Character wise the responses of both get confusing at times. For instance, I’m not entirely sure by the end if Mol did choose James at some point (as seemed to be the suggestion of “yes it was clear why Mol had chosen him in the first place James thought” although this could be a case of too many pronouns introducing ambiguity). In contrast, after the twist regarding Greg we’re left with a confusion that matches James’ but does get resolved.

That being said, the twist is the one part of the story where the style is not sufficient. The idea that people aren’t strictly homosexual or heterosexual is a fairly complex one, and the whole issue of bisexualism in fictional depictions is also complex. Upshot is I am confused as to if we have a situation of a bisexual man thinking himself gay due to social pressures or a gay man who loves one specific woman (the plot of Bob & Rose, with Alan Davies as the gay man) or even an overly possessive prick. Things just move too thick and fast at this stage. It’s a shame, though, because the characterisation in A Moonless Night is mostly good.

Combining fraternity, life, death and love into a quickly paced and compelling plot, A Moonless Night delivers a dialogue heavy tale that left me wondering if it would come together better as a play.


The Tricolour – The Snowy Day
50/100
This story surprised me, which is interesting given how short it is (surely there was no time for surprises) but I was genuinely expecting the girl to not, in fact, be real. Making her angel, however, reduces the creativity of this “is actually real” decision. Also, the final sentence was stilted at not written as well as the rest of it.

This is a simple, contained story which reminds me of The Little Match Girl with a non-depressing end. I’d say it was a genius move writing a story for a July contest with similarities to a Christmas story but how could anyone (even Paul the Octopus) have seen that coming?

I don’t really think there’s too much to say about this story. It doesn’t seem to want for anything but it’s also not outstandingly good. On the other hand, given the size, maybe the mechanics of it matter more. Dialogue new paragraphs etc. (although there was no ambiguity here).
Maybe my favourite thing about this particular story was the dialogue… although at the end the wife gives in a bit too easily.


Liberty and Linguistics – Matt
65/100

Once again, I find myself apologising for the Contest having managed to not conclude prior to your having CTE’d.

I think all the elements are here. You’ve got two characters who are almost foils for each other. You’ve got a plot that bubbles along – although, in some sense, either I felt it would’ve been better for the other possible ending because I’m me or you avoided the almost cliché “one last good memory” ending. The setting also interplays with the plot and characters very well (I think this element was an exception to the following). However, the specific execution of these elements was, ultimately, not as good as the element selection itself.

When it comes to dialogue, I’m a big fan of natural dialogue – what people might actually say in the circumstances. This wasn’t always true here, e.g. the ‘a classical piano tune’, as the dialogue was a bit awkward/off. This extended to the narrator as well, at times. “Bear hug” might make some sense positively with friends, but it’s not a big hug: and would Matt, as established, really be a hugger anyway? I don’t, personally, get that impression, as a reader the scene was therefore jarring. There was also avoidable and non-useful repetition when genuine was used twice in quick succession. Maybe that wasn’t so bad and I only noticed this because it’s an error I make myself all the time or it is something to think about when you proof read.

The characters, themselves, had slightly strange bits too them, too. Did Sebastien refuse a drink or did he refuse liquor (spirits)? Did Sebastien LaPierre want Matt’s interpretation or did he need his translation? Was Matt intended to be elderly all along or was his age meant to be a reveal (what it felt like to me when Sebastien commented on it internally)? Since Sebastien sustains this story resolving questions like these by adding a bit more flesh to him would be ideal. Not too much, mind, as I think that would detract from the story’s inner coherency. At times Sebastien could also be annoying because of the dialogue phrasing. His bluntness was a character trait, but it feels like he suddenly knows something rather than having observed it and made a blunt comment. I’m thinking mainly of the putting the drink down bit, here. Matt, though, responds with a nice line to this and, as a whole, I think Matt was a stronger character.

With just a little bit of reworking and the correction of some spelling and grammatical errors I think this would be a very good story.


Nazi Flower Power / USS Monitor
90/100

I’m not sure if I should deduct points for having since turned into a character from the story: don’t eat the ghost food.

I think this was really well done but I was ultimately left a little bit confused about probably the central point, possibly because of my own lack of familiarity with the issue rather than the story. Basically, was Melissa transgender or did she feel completely trapped in the narrow roles that, for instance, Henry or her mum thought appropriate? I feel as if the story is consistent with both views.

Aside from this, I really like the psychology of Melissa as a character. It starts off strong with her gullible belief in Henry’s interpretation and then continues into the Romanticised notion that sets up the above part of her characterisation. Ultimately, I feel as if it ends up in a sense of the reverse Drop Dead Fred: the “real” girl not wanting to let go and the imaginary friend (ghost) being comfortable with the transition (or, in the above context, not comfortable at all). The way she ultimately reflected on the Yankee was a more than appropriate and consistent ending: it was also compelling.

The characterisation of the other characters was, I feel, suitably filtered through the view of Melissa for a story I would consider a character study. We don’t learn all that much about the Mum, but she’s clearly operating on the same plane as Henry. In contrast, her dad is somewhat understanding, but for the wrong reasons, and this contrasts emotionally with Worden. On an intellectual level, of course, Henry and the Dad are opposed.

This was also a very creative story. Adults not seeing ghosts etc. not so much but the arbitrariness of 18 as a limit in this context is something new to me. Ghosts being able to learn or go to new places is also fairly unconventional: as is their boredom. Using these elements to create the framework of the character study is particularly creative. Of course, if the time transitions weren’t as good as they were (excluding the bit where she was suddenly 17 – was that meant to feel sudden?) then I don’t think this creativity would have meant so much. Likewise, the stylistic choice of reported speaking really worked for this story.


Thanks for sticking with us.
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Respubliko de Libereco
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Posts: 1709
Founded: Apr 30, 2013
Ex-Nation

Postby Respubliko de Libereco » Mon Jun 27, 2016 10:58 pm

O frabjous day!

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The Federation of Kendor
Senator
 
Posts: 4586
Founded: Dec 08, 2015
Civil Rights Lovefest

Postby The Federation of Kendor » Tue Jun 28, 2016 4:17 am

Do you want to host the 2016 short story contest now?
Last edited by The Federation of Kendor on Tue Jun 28, 2016 4:18 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Unitaristic Regions
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Posts: 5019
Founded: Apr 15, 2013
Ex-Nation

Postby Unitaristic Regions » Fri Jul 08, 2016 4:48 pm

Thanks for judging!

Btw, I can def. see where you're coming from with your criticisms. Some can be explained by a simple desire to experiment (like centering the text or the long sentences), others by unwillingness to edit because of inexperience. Other failings are more glaring (like the characters not coming to life).

It's pretty funny that you didn't like the story while really liking the poem: with Res. it was the exact opposite XD.
Used to be a straight-edge orthodox communist, now I'm de facto a state-capitalist who dislikes migration and hopes automation will bring socialism under proper conditions.

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Infected Mushroom
Post Czar
 
Posts: 38837
Founded: Apr 15, 2014
Corrupt Dictatorship

Postby Infected Mushroom » Fri Jul 08, 2016 6:35 pm

Wait so... who won?

Also, the tournament host is deleted?

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Shaggai
Powerbroker
 
Posts: 9342
Founded: Mar 27, 2013
Ex-Nation

Postby Shaggai » Fri Jul 08, 2016 7:51 pm

Infected Mushroom wrote:Wait so... who won?

Also, the tournament host is deleted?

NFP decided to CTE because they were tired of being a Nazi, even jokingly. The player maintains a presence on this site as the U.S.S. Monitor.
piss

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Infected Mushroom
Post Czar
 
Posts: 38837
Founded: Apr 15, 2014
Corrupt Dictatorship

Postby Infected Mushroom » Fri Jul 08, 2016 8:03 pm

Shaggai wrote:
Infected Mushroom wrote:Wait so... who won?

Also, the tournament host is deleted?

NFP decided to CTE because they were tired of being a Nazi, even jokingly. The player maintains a presence on this site as the U.S.S. Monitor.


I see...

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