Winter Short Story Contest (2012) Winners Announced!

[Esternial]

Esternial
The Greatest Christmas of them All

Characters - 15/25
Could be better developed, though he is just a little boy.

Plot - 17/25
I'm not really sure what happens at the end there. I mean it's pretty cool up until towards the end and then "whaaaaa?" Is he going to die then? And just where is his father? LOL

Setting - 7/15
I'm struggling with this. There isn't much to the setting, but nor is setting necessary to this kind of piece. 

Creativity - 8/15

Style - 3/15
The problem with writing rhyming poetry is that it has to have meter as well for the rhyme to work.

Spelling/Grammar - 5/5
I was going to take off for your use of emoticons. Then I was like, meh, it communicates something. Whatever.

Overall - 55/100

I'm sorry, but explicitly writing what happens would ruin the entire story. I guess I'll answer those two questions:

Is he going to die then?
That's up to how you interpret the last two sentences.

but it would ruin the surprise if he were to yell. :'(
So the scissors went snipper snap! :3

The toys don't want the child to yell, so they do something to make him shut up. Had I written explicitly that they cut his throat it would have been too explicit for the story. It's intended to be innocent, almost childlike. Thus I leave it up to the writer to imagine something that one could do to shut up a child using a pair of scissors.

Where is the father?
Seemed pretty obvious. He's ringing the bell.

[The Empire of Pretantia]

Okay so I just want to take a minute to thank everyone for submitting. Putting your work in front of others to be judged, even in an anonymous internet forum, takes courage. 

I really feel I take a constructive approach and if anyone is somehow hurt by anything I said, I apologize. I don't think anyone will be though.

If it seems like my scoring is inconsistent or arbitrary, that's probably because it is. Sorry. I'm new here; and this is my first experience doing this sort of thing. Also I am not a fan of the rubric, but we don't need to get into that here. I just dealt with it.
The Empire of Pretantia
The Fall of a Nation

Characters - 20/25
Good start, but can show more, especially Krolov. Would like a bit more about their physical descriptions.

Plot - 20/25
Extremely well-developed plot. But the revelation to the reader that Krolov was completely wrong about his memories comes out of left field. It's very abrupt. And while it is a surprise element, could be better revealed. Maybe have Rieksa stick around and be the one to tell him how things really went down.

Setting - 10/15
Better descriptions of the room. Not sure where Rieksa came from because I thought the rebels were right outside the throne room getting ready to break down the door. When she showed up I was confused.

Creativity - 12/15
I liked the premise here a lot. I didn't see it coming that he was wrong about the past and "mad" back then, as opposed to just having been driven mad by the crumbling of his empire. But then I upon re-reading, you definitely foreshadowed the fact he was nuts:

Even when they were executed, the disembodied heads still babbled lies

Style - 10/15
A little flat, in that it reads like ... Well it reads like historical dramatic fiction I guess. I am trying to say that I didn't hear any distinguishable voice here.

Spelling/Grammar - 5/5
If there were problems, they didn't stand out to me.

Overall - 77/100

Note: When he is having the "flashbacks" that allow you to show the reader his version of the things that happened in the past, you can have them triggered by something he sees in the room. It will add to the setting and possibly character development.

Lose the ending with the Oni coming in. Have him realize he screwed up and is crazy or whatever and then the door gets broken down. THE END.

More description, got it.

[Johz]

Johz
Three Fifty-Three AM

Characters - 20/25
I'd like to know more about Anna. What about her did James fall in love with? 
What made her fall in love with him?

Plot - 20/25
Good story.  Clear cut conflict, some of which is resolved. Never really show exactly why Anna went back to him. 

Setting - 12/15

Creativity - 12/15

Style - 13/15

Spelling/Grammar - 4/5
There were a few issues with tense changes that I can't specifically recall right now and I'm tired. I know it's hard to keep track when you switch from a "present" storyline to recollections of the past. I screw it up all the time.

Overall - 81/100

Sorry I don't give much feedback. There's actually not a lot I would change. Point of technicality: In terms of realism, can one actually die slowly from a blood clot?  If no, I would give her some other kind of illness.

I'm not sure if one can die of a blood clot, but I just didn't want to use cancer, because it felt too clichéd, and the story already felt to me like it was heading too far down that route. I would have researched a better illness to use, but I got a headache two minutes into starting searching on Wikipedia.

Otherwise, thanks, I'll take note. I do think Anna was probably underdeveloped, and I do seem to have a problem developing characters, so I'll make sure I work on that in future.

[Esternial]

Johz
Three Fifty-Three AM

Characters - 20/25
I'd like to know more about Anna. What about her did James fall in love with? 
What made her fall in love with him?

Plot - 20/25
Good story.  Clear cut conflict, some of which is resolved. Never really show exactly why Anna went back to him. 

Setting - 12/15

Creativity - 12/15

Style - 13/15

Spelling/Grammar - 4/5
There were a few issues with tense changes that I can't specifically recall right now and I'm tired. I know it's hard to keep track when you switch from a "present" storyline to recollections of the past. I screw it up all the time.

Overall - 81/100

Sorry I don't give much feedback. There's actually not a lot I would change. Point of technicality: In terms of realism, can one actually die slowly from a blood clot?  If no, I would give her some other kind of illness.

I'm not sure if one can die of a blood clot, but I just didn't want to use cancer, because it felt too clichéd, and the story already felt to me like it was heading too far down that route. I would have researched a better illness to use, but I got a headache two minutes into starting searching on Wikipedia.

Otherwise, thanks, I'll take note. I do think Anna was probably underdeveloped, and I do seem to have a problem developing characters, so I'll make sure I work on that in future.

One can.

[Costa Alegria]

I'm not sure if one can die of a blood clot.

People can easily die of a blood clot if it hits a vital organ like the brain or the heart.

[Conserative Morality]

I'll have this updated by Sunday night, I swear.

[Johz]

I'm not sure if one can die of a blood clot, but I just didn't want to use cancer, because it felt too clichéd, and the story already felt to me like it was heading too far down that route. I would have researched a better illness to use, but I got a headache two minutes into starting searching on Wikipedia.

Otherwise, thanks, I'll take note. I do think Anna was probably underdeveloped, and I do seem to have a problem developing characters, so I'll make sure I work on that in future.

One can.

Yes, I meant 'die slowly', sorry.

[Conserative Morality]

Well, I think I have it all added up right. Someone please inform me if my math is off.

Congratulations to everyone who participated!

[Costa Alegria]

I seem like a complete bastard.

You may now call me Simon Cowell.

[Nightkill the Emperor]

And the winners of the Winter contest are announced in Spring.

[Conserative Morality]

And the winners of the Winter contest are announced in Spring.

I still have snow outside.

[Forsher]

And the winners of the Winter contest are announced in Spring.

It was a long ad break.

[Johz]

The UK is still in winter-mode, so presumably now this judging is done we can start enjoying spring.

Anyway, I am very honoured to have won, and I thank all the judges for taking the time to read everyone's entries.

[Australian rePublic]

This is unfair, first of all, some of us live in the Southern Hemisphere, the season is summer, not winter, second of all, you're probably expecting stories about snow. We haven't all seen snow

[The Empire of Pretantia]

This is unfair, first of all, some of us live in the Southern Hemisphere, the season is summer, not winter, second of all, you're probably expecting stories about snow. We haven't all seen snow

Hemispheres are irrelevant. If the contest exists then you can be in it.

[Johz]

This is unfair, first of all, some of us live in the Southern Hemisphere, the season is summer, not winter, second of all, you're probably expecting stories about snow. We haven't all seen snow

Eh, I didn't include any snow, I don't think. I might have mentioned Christmas, but not excessively.

[Venaleria]

Congratulations to everyone who participated!

[Esternial]

Yay!

Now I don't need a regular job anymore!

[Nazi Flower Power]

through a largely one-sided dialogue.

Setting - 12/15
Not sure where we are. Once you start getting into stories with spaceships a reader can no longer be left to assume that we are on Earth. Are the Confederates still around and they just made peace? Is Germany on another Planet? The setting in terms of describing the place of the wartime in the flashback is great. In terms of "place" though, where this guy is when he is talking to his daughter? Not so much. Confusing.

They're not on Earth and I never thought anybody would assume they were. Their hometown is N‭ürnberg (Nuremberg), but it can't be the one on Earth because it's not German and it never snows.

The "Germans" are independent from Earth, but I don't think that's very important. It wouldn't ruin the story if you thought they were colonies governed from Berlin.

The Confederates won the war and took over.

I do realize that in some ways it's a very minimalistic story with a lot of blanks for the reader to fill in.