Winter Short Story Contest (2012) Winners Announced!

[The Empire of Pretantia]

It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small, small world

[Conserative Morality]

Well, today's the start of the judging portion of the contest!

[Venaleria]

I am in the process. I will have the results ready shortly. Good luck to you all!

[The Empire of Pretantia]

I am in the process. I will have the results ready shortly. Good luck to you all!

Shortly, he says.

[Kingsmouth]

We await reviews still...

[Venaleria]

Sorry guys. I've had a lot on my mind. I'm not the only judge you know!

[The Empire of Pretantia]

Sorry guys. I've had a lot on my mind. I'm not the only judge you know!

Good, so while you're here...

[Kingsmouth]

Yes...

[Esternial]

I am displeased.

[Nazi Flower Power]

Sorry guys. I've had a lot on my mind. I'm not the only judge you know!

I understand, especially if you are planning to judge all the stories and then post all your judgements in one post. I was a judge last time, and it really is a lot of work to do it properly.

[Costa Alegria]

Sorry for being a little late with judgments. I've included some comments and I am deeply sorry if I piss anyone off with them.

Characters 18/25

A bit of a mixed bag. I can easily imagine the characters and what they would look like but I just hate the names. Alfred and Lala aren't the sort of names I'd expect parents to give children that young and that for me personally is something which kind of ruined the the story (and Mr Kao doesn't sound like a Fijian Indian name also).

Other than that, they sound exactly like I'd imagine and expect 14 year olds to sound like at that point in their schooling (sort of). "Isn't he hot" sounds a little stereotypical so you could have been a little more creative with their dialogue.

Plot 10/25

I'm not entirely sure where the plot is in this. I probably should have given you lower points but I can see (just)....actually, no, I can't see any plot outlines. This is probably my fault but I would like to see something that actually happens in a short story no matter what the setting.

Setting 8/15

I'm giving you reasonably high points because I liked the setting in which you set the storing. I have spent many a boring hour in those types of math classes and I could somewhat imagine what it looked like but some description of the class itself would be nice from my perspective.

Creativity 6/15

I'm giving you six points on the basis that I think that you have the essence of an interesting story there but you just needed to be a bit more creative with how you went about it. I think you could have turned it into a love story and instead of writing about what happened in the maths class, you could have mentioned it and turned the whole story into one about Lala's quest to become Alfred's girlfriend or something like that.

Style 8/15

You remind me of myself with how you write. It's very formal but it's also long winded and I got the feeling you were explaining too much and not enough at the same time, if you get what I mean. I felt that you were concentrating way too much explaining things about the character whilst at the same time, not explaining anything at all about them. I couldn't really get to understand the relationship between Lala and Alfred and whilst there was some potential there. I personally believe that there is a fine line between explaining too much and not enough and I think with time, you will get better.

I had no problems with your dialogue. It was succinct and straight like everyday speech is. However, you do have some issues with long sentences and repetition and I think you could easily work on these.

Grammar/spelling 5/5

There isn't much wrong with what I saw. Overuse of commas was something that is evidence and this stems from your knack for writing long sentences. As I said, shorten sentences.

Overall 55/100

Characters 20/25

I can easily imagine Lindsey as the sort of child who asks their father about what it was like "in the war" and her father as the sort of man who seems to be a war veteran even if he didn't fight or something like that. It somewhat reminded me of talking to my grandfather about what it was like growing up in Nazi-occupied Netherlands.

The only thing I didn't quite like was the lack of description of the characters. I could imagine what their personalities were like but not whether or not Lindsey was young or old or even how old her father was. You said he was retiring but people can retire at any age.

The dialogue I liked very much as it sounded like an older man telling a story to his younger son/daughter.

Plot 8/25

I'm only giving you eight points because it really is only him explaining why he wants to go there. There is some semblance of a plot about what he did after the war to look for the woman he seemed to be infatuated with but that was about it. It may just be me being crude though and not seeing deeper into it.

Setting 6/15

You get six points again because outside the man telling the story, there isn't any setting as to location, time period etc. although there were hints throughout the story. I mean again, it could just be me being crude but I like the idea of knowing where I am in a story rather than having to guess.

Creativity 12/15

I liked the creativity of how you mixed and old man telling a war story to his child and making it about some sort of cataclysmic war in the future involving space ships and such. I could somewhat imagine the conditions at that time but a little more description would be appreciated.

Style 12/15

Once again, another very formal tone from the writing and a new and certainly more interesting take on the story which basically focused almost entirely on dialogue and as I have pointed out before, the story could have done with a little more non-dialogue dscription. Shorter sentences are also in need here.

Grammar/spelling 5/5

Spelling from what I could tell is bang on but shorten sentences.

Overall 63/100

Characters 19/25

I loved Ben and the evil toys but you said there wasn't a lot of detail and I know that so I didn't want to penalise you for it.

And besides, detail would have ruined it anyway.

Plot 23/25

It was easy to follow and greatly amusing. All I can really say.

Setting 10/15

I liked the settting very much. Lack of detail is evident but it doesn't really matter.

Creativity 15/15

Top marks for this because I was grinning the whole way. I thought this was fantastic.

Style 13/15

It certainly made for a difference of style in the story that's for sure. I liked how you made it rhyme or at least tried to (there were a couple of hiccups). And the sentences were nice and short and succinct and this is what I would expect from a short story.

Grammar/spelling 4/5

I didn't really have any problems with it other than those weird smiley things. Please don't use them as they did spoil what is an awesome story.

Overall 84/100

Characters 7/25

Whilst I get the jist of what the characters are like, I think you have contradicted the description of the king. In the first paragraph, you described him as "twisted" and yet described him in the next one as "fair". Someone cannot be twisted and fair in the stereotypical king that is what is being described.

Also, Nichola is just the feminine version of Nicholas and I actually thought it was a woman. It also confused me somewhat as I though you'd missed the "s" of Nicloas a few times. And then you have Nicholai. Really, could you not come up with names that weren't as confusing and generally uninspired?

Plot 9/25

There is a plot there and that is basically it.

Setting 7/15

A last stand by a King, his sons and a crazed band of loyalists? Sounds like a good setting to me. However, I was a bit thrown off by the mention of adopting all-metal naval vessels and then one of the Nichola's being shot with a bullet. Generally speaking, it would have most likely been a musketball of some kind unless of course everyone had access to rudimentary bullets in those days.

Creativity 9/15

Yeah, not entirely sure what to put here. I really can't think of anything else.

Style 5/15

Repetition, repetition, repetition. Stop using the word no all the time. I found it annoying and unnecessary. It also made the story sound like the author couldn't make his mind up and continued on writing despite this.

Some sentences could have been re-worded to make them sound less awkward. For example "Rubbish; no, not mere rubbish: lies!" could be rewritten as "Rubbish! No, not mere rubbish. Lies!" or just simply "Lies!".

Grammar/spelling 2 /5

Semi colons overused way too much. Replace them with either commas or full stops. Commas used in the wrong spaces. The peiece of a paragraph between dialogue is a sentence and is therefore finished with a fullstop, not a comma. There is much debate about the use of a comma before the word "and". As I don't do it myself, I think it would be best if you didn't either.

Overall 29/100

Characters 5/25

I got some idea of the characters in your story from the very brief descriptions given. I liked most of their dialogue despite the mistakes. And who the hell is Shub-Niggurath? Who is Peter? Who is Steve?

Plot 7/25

What plot? A man complaining about his life selling goats for his uncle all of a sudden finds himself watching some werid fellow stab his uncle?

Setting 5/15

It would have been better if the reader actually knew where the setting was. There was some attempts but not enough.

Creativity 7/15

A goat salesman is not the usual protangonist for a story, so that is somewhat creative.

Style 5/15

Dialogue sentences need breaking up. Pretty basic language like "goat shop". Change of POV at random intervals.

Grammar/spelling 1/5

Some issues with punctuation (i.e missing fullstop at end of second sentence). Missed capitals. Same thing with regards to commas before the word "and". Overuse of commas where they are not needed. Missed quotation marks.

Overall 30/100

Characters 20/25

I really like the description of Anna and the scene and how the two characters meet. That was brilliant and I did sort of wonder who people like Katherine were, although that doesn't really matter.

Plot 20/25

This was an interesting take on the traditional plot layout and I think it sort of worked given the fact that it started off in the present and then jumped back. There were a couple of instances where I was thrown off slightly, such as the paragraph about Anthony nursing the protagonist. I thought it was perhaps related to his mother's death but I wasn't entirely sure.

Setting 12/15

I liked the description of the campground and I was somewhat pleased with where the initial part of the story was set also.

Creativity 13/15

I think this was a nice and quite sad story that was well put together and somewhat creative, especially with regards to the description of Anna and the campground. I think for extra punch, at the end of the story, have Anna die. Because ending the story with the protagonist saying he loves her is a little cliche in my humble opinion.

Style 15/15

I really like your style of writing, or at least the one for this story. It's a nice mix of formality and poetics that just flows. It's a great read this.

Grammar/spelling 5/5

I saw nothing wrong with anything.

Overall 85/100

[Nazi Flower Power]

Setting 6/15

You get six points again because outside the man telling the story, there isn't any setting as to location, time period etc. although there were hints throughout the story. I mean again, it could just be me being crude but I like the idea of knowing where I am in a story rather than having to guess.

It's not just you being crude. If I had gone back to do any last minute editing, it would have been to write about the room where the conversation took place.

[Costa Alegria]

Setting 6/15

You get six points again because outside the man telling the story, there isn't any setting as to location, time period etc. although there were hints throughout the story. I mean again, it could just be me being crude but I like the idea of knowing where I am in a story rather than having to guess.

It's not just you being crude. If I had gone back to do any last minute editing, it would have been to write about the room where the conversation took place.

Thank God. I'm assuming my comments look somewhat professional?

[Nazi Flower Power]

It's not just you being crude. If I had gone back to do any last minute editing, it would have been to write about the room where the conversation took place.

Thank God. I'm assuming my comments look somewhat professional?

It looks like you put some thought into your judgements, so I am cool with it.

[Forsher]

Sorry for being a little late with judgments. I've included some comments and I am deeply sorry if I piss anyone off with them.

Characters 18/25

A bit of a mixed bag. I can easily imagine the characters and what they would look like but I just hate the names. Alfred and Lala aren't the sort of names I'd expect parents to give children that young and that for me personally is something which kind of ruined the the story (and Mr Kao doesn't sound like a Fijian Indian name also).

Other than that, they sound exactly like I'd imagine and expect 14 year olds to sound like at that point in their schooling (sort of). "Isn't he hot" sounds a little stereotypical so you could have been a little more creative with their dialogue.

Plot 10/25

I'm not entirely sure where the plot is in this. I probably should have given you lower points but I can see (just)....actually, no, I can't see any plot outlines. This is probably my fault but I would like to see something that actually happens in a short story no matter what the setting.

Setting 8/15

I'm giving you reasonably high points because I liked the setting in which you set the storing. I have spent many a boring hour in those types of math classes and I could somewhat imagine what it looked like but some description of the class itself would be nice from my perspective.

Creativity 6/15

I'm giving you six points on the basis that I think that you have the essence of an interesting story there but you just needed to be a bit more creative with how you went about it. I think you could have turned it into a love story and instead of writing about what happened in the maths class, you could have mentioned it and turned the whole story into one about Lala's quest to become Alfred's girlfriend or something like that.

Style 8/15

You remind me of myself with how you write. It's very formal but it's also long winded and I got the feeling you were explaining too much and not enough at the same time, if you get what I mean. I felt that you were concentrating way too much explaining things about the character whilst at the same time, not explaining anything at all about them. I couldn't really get to understand the relationship between Lala and Alfred and whilst there was some potential there. I personally believe that there is a fine line between explaining too much and not enough and I think with time, you will get better.

I had no problems with your dialogue. It was succinct and straight like everyday speech is. However, you do have some issues with long sentences and repetition and I think you could easily work on these.

Grammar/spelling 5/5

There isn't much wrong with what I saw. Overuse of commas was something that is evidence and this stems from your knack for writing long sentences. As I said, shorten sentences.

Overall 55/100

Oh yeah, 55/100... that's over half way and non-suspiciously this time!

I was going for a bit of a stereotyped feel to the whole thing...

Mr Kao... it just sounded like a bit Indian and a bit Island side. Which is why I lent Tongan in the end, but he looks like a Fijian.

[Aethyopea]

Sorry for being a little late with judgments. I've included some comments and I am deeply sorry if I piss anyone off with them.

Characters 18/25

A bit of a mixed bag. I can easily imagine the characters and what they would look like but I just hate the names. Alfred and Lala aren't the sort of names I'd expect parents to give children that young and that for me personally is something which kind of ruined the the story (and Mr Kao doesn't sound like a Fijian Indian name also).

Other than that, they sound exactly like I'd imagine and expect 14 year olds to sound like at that point in their schooling (sort of). "Isn't he hot" sounds a little stereotypical so you could have been a little more creative with their dialogue.

Plot 10/25

I'm not entirely sure where the plot is in this. I probably should have given you lower points but I can see (just)....actually, no, I can't see any plot outlines. This is probably my fault but I would like to see something that actually happens in a short story no matter what the setting.

Setting 8/15

I'm giving you reasonably high points because I liked the setting in which you set the storing. I have spent many a boring hour in those types of math classes and I could somewhat imagine what it looked like but some description of the class itself would be nice from my perspective.

Creativity 6/15

I'm giving you six points on the basis that I think that you have the essence of an interesting story there but you just needed to be a bit more creative with how you went about it. I think you could have turned it into a love story and instead of writing about what happened in the maths class, you could have mentioned it and turned the whole story into one about Lala's quest to become Alfred's girlfriend or something like that.

Style 8/15

You remind me of myself with how you write. It's very formal but it's also long winded and I got the feeling you were explaining too much and not enough at the same time, if you get what I mean. I felt that you were concentrating way too much explaining things about the character whilst at the same time, not explaining anything at all about them. I couldn't really get to understand the relationship between Lala and Alfred and whilst there was some potential there. I personally believe that there is a fine line between explaining too much and not enough and I think with time, you will get better.

I had no problems with your dialogue. It was succinct and straight like everyday speech is. However, you do have some issues with long sentences and repetition and I think you could easily work on these.

Grammar/spelling 5/5

There isn't much wrong with what I saw. Overuse of commas was something that is evidence and this stems from your knack for writing long sentences. As I said, shorten sentences.

Overall 55/100

Characters 20/25

I can easily imagine Lindsey as the sort of child who asks their father about what it was like "in the war" and her father as the sort of man who seems to be a war veteran even if he didn't fight or something like that. It somewhat reminded me of talking to my grandfather about what it was like growing up in Nazi-occupied Netherlands.

The only thing I didn't quite like was the lack of description of the characters. I could imagine what their personalities were like but not whether or not Lindsey was young or old or even how old her father was. You said he was retiring but people can retire at any age.

The dialogue I liked very much as it sounded like an older man telling a story to his younger son/daughter.

Plot 8/25

I'm only giving you eight points because it really is only him explaining why he wants to go there. There is some semblance of a plot about what he did after the war to look for the woman he seemed to be infatuated with but that was about it. It may just be me being crude though and not seeing deeper into it.

Setting 6/15

You get six points again because outside the man telling the story, there isn't any setting as to location, time period etc. although there were hints throughout the story. I mean again, it could just be me being crude but I like the idea of knowing where I am in a story rather than having to guess.

Creativity 12/15

I liked the creativity of how you mixed and old man telling a war story to his child and making it about some sort of cataclysmic war in the future involving space ships and such. I could somewhat imagine the conditions at that time but a little more description would be appreciated.

Style 12/15

Once again, another very formal tone from the writing and a new and certainly more interesting take on the story which basically focused almost entirely on dialogue and as I have pointed out before, the story could have done with a little more non-dialogue dscription. Shorter sentences are also in need here.

Grammar/spelling 5/5

Spelling from what I could tell is bang on but shorten sentences.

Overall 63/100

Characters 19/25

I loved Ben and the evil toys but you said there wasn't a lot of detail and I know that so I didn't want to penalise you for it.

And besides, detail would have ruined it anyway.

Plot 23/25

It was easy to follow and greatly amusing. All I can really say.

Setting 10/15

I liked the settting very much. Lack of detail is evident but it doesn't really matter.

Creativity 15/15

Top marks for this because I was grinning the whole way. I thought this was fantastic.

Style 13/15

It certainly made for a difference of style in the story that's for sure. I liked how you made it rhyme or at least tried to (there were a couple of hiccups). And the sentences were nice and short and succinct and this is what I would expect from a short story.

Grammar/spelling 4/5

I didn't really have any problems with it other than those weird smiley things. Please don't use them as they did spoil what is an awesome story.

Overall 84/100

Characters 7/25

Whilst I get the jist of what the characters are like, I think you have contradicted the description of the king. In the first paragraph, you described him as "twisted" and yet described him in the next one as "fair". Someone cannot be twisted and fair in the stereotypical king that is what is being described.

Also, Nichola is just the feminine version of Nicholas and I actually thought it was a woman. It also confused me somewhat as I though you'd missed the "s" of Nicloas a few times. And then you have Nicholai. Really, could you not come up with names that weren't as confusing and generally uninspired?

Plot 9/25

There is a plot there and that is basically it.

Setting 7/15

A last stand by a King, his sons and a crazed band of loyalists? Sounds like a good setting to me. However, I was a bit thrown off by the mention of adopting all-metal naval vessels and then one of the Nichola's being shot with a bullet. Generally speaking, it would have most likely been a musketball of some kind unless of course everyone had access to rudimentary bullets in those days.

Creativity 9/15

Yeah, not entirely sure what to put here. I really can't think of anything else.

Style 5/15

Repetition, repetition, repetition. Stop using the word no all the time. I found it annoying and unnecessary. It also made the story sound like the author couldn't make his mind up and continued on writing despite this.

Some sentences could have been re-worded to make them sound less awkward. For example "Rubbish; no, not mere rubbish: lies!" could be rewritten as "Rubbish! No, not mere rubbish. Lies!" or just simply "Lies!".

Grammar/spelling 2 /5

Semi colons overused way too much. Replace them with either commas or full stops. Commas used in the wrong spaces. The peiece of a paragraph between dialogue is a sentence and is therefore finished with a fullstop, not a comma. There is much debate about the use of a comma before the word "and". As I don't do it myself, I think it would be best if you didn't either.

Overall 29/100

Characters 5/25

I got some idea of the characters in your story from the very brief descriptions given. I liked most of their dialogue despite the mistakes. And who the hell is Shub-Niggurath? Who is Peter? Who is Steve?

Plot 7/25

What plot? A man complaining about his life selling goats for his uncle all of a sudden finds himself watching some werid fellow stab his uncle?

Setting 5/15

It would have been better if the reader actually knew where the setting was. There was some attempts but not enough.

Creativity 7/15

A goat salesman is not the usual protangonist for a story, so that is somewhat creative.

Style 5/15

Dialogue sentences need breaking up. Pretty basic language like "goat shop". Change of POV at random intervals.

Grammar/spelling 1/5

Some issues with punctuation (i.e missing fullstop at end of second sentence). Missed capitals. Same thing with regards to commas before the word "and". Overuse of commas where they are not needed. Missed quotation marks.

Overall 30/100

Characters 20/25

I really like the description of Anna and the scene and how the two characters meet. That was brilliant and I did sort of wonder who people like Katherine were, although that doesn't really matter.

Plot 20/25

This was an interesting take on the traditional plot layout and I think it sort of worked given the fact that it started off in the present and then jumped back. There were a couple of instances where I was thrown off slightly, such as the paragraph about Anthony nursing the protagonist. I thought it was perhaps related to his mother's death but I wasn't entirely sure.

Setting 12/15

I liked the description of the campground and I was somewhat pleased with where the initial part of the story was set also.

Creativity 13/15

I think this was a nice and quite sad story that was well put together and somewhat creative, especially with regards to the description of Anna and the campground. I think for extra punch, at the end of the story, have Anna die. Because ending the story with the protagonist saying he loves her is a little cliche in my humble opinion.

Style 15/15

I really like your style of writing, or at least the one for this story. It's a nice mix of formality and poetics that just flows. It's a great read this.

Grammar/spelling 5/5

I saw nothing wrong with anything.

Overall 85/100

Where's the judgement of my entry?
I know my story wasn't entirely finished, but it still fits the definition of a story ("an account of a sequence of events" according to wikipedia) . And I don't think I broke any of the contest's rules. And I know it's not going to win any awards anytime soon, but I wrote this specifically to get feedback on my writing.

[Costa Alegria]

Where's the judgement of my entry?
I know my story wasn't entirely finished, but it still fits the definition of a story ("an account of a sequence of events" according to wikipedia) . And I don't think I broke any of the contest's rules. And I know it's not going to win any awards anytime soon, but I wrote this specifically to get feedback on my writing.

You were not included in those reserved for judgement and quite frankly, I would rather not waste my time reading something that isn't finished before a given deadline.

[Aethyopea]

Where's the judgement of my entry?
I know my story wasn't entirely finished, but it still fits the definition of a story ("an account of a sequence of events" according to wikipedia) . And I don't think I broke any of the contest's rules. And I know it's not going to win any awards anytime soon, but I wrote this specifically to get feedback on my writing.

You were not included in those reserved for judgement and quite frankly, I would rather not waste my time reading something that isn't finished before a given deadline.

I still think that it counts as a full short story, but I understand.
But couldn't you at least have informed me about it beforehand instead of letting me wait anxiously for nearly a week? It's kind of frustrating to spend hours writing and editing and five days waiting only to get nothing.

[Costa Alegria]

You were not included in those reserved for judgement and quite frankly, I would rather not waste my time reading something that isn't finished before a given deadline.

I still think that it counts as a full short story, but I understand.
But couldn't you at least have informed me about it beforehand instead of letting me wait anxiously for nearly a week? It's kind of frustrating to spend hours writing and editing and five days waiting only to get nothing.

I didn't even know it existed. And if it wasn't finished, you should have expected that the chances of it being judged are absolutely zil.

[Aethyopea]

I still think that it counts as a full short story, but I understand.
But couldn't you at least have informed me about it beforehand instead of letting me wait anxiously for nearly a week? It's kind of frustrating to spend hours writing and editing and five days waiting only to get nothing.

I didn't even know it existed. And if it wasn't finished, you should have expected that the chances of it being judged are absolutely zil.

Why should I have? Remember: I'm brand new to this. I don't know anything about writing contests, so I decided to just follow all the rules mentioned to the letter. And the rules don't mention that the story has to be finished (only that it has to be in by the deadline).

This might seem like just whining to you, but you have to understand this is important to me. This is a brand new hobby, and I'd like to keep working on it so that I may one day be good at it. And I can't improve if I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

Look, just look at it for five minutes. That's all I ask for. You don't even need to give me a full review like with the others. I'd be more than satisfied with just a few lines. The part that I did write was already finished, so you can still judge things like grammer or style.

[Conserative Morality]

You were not included in those reserved for judgement and quite frankly, I would rather not waste my time reading something that isn't finished before a given deadline.

Shit, that was my fault, I forgot to update for the fourth page.

[Johz]

Sorry for being a little late with judgments. I've included some comments and I am deeply sorry if I piss anyone off with them.

Characters 20/25

I really like the description of Anna and the scene and how the two characters meet. That was brilliant and I did sort of wonder who people like Katherine were, although that doesn't really matter.

Plot 20/25

This was an interesting take on the traditional plot layout and I think it sort of worked given the fact that it started off in the present and then jumped back. There were a couple of instances where I was thrown off slightly, such as the paragraph about Anthony nursing the protagonist. I thought it was perhaps related to his mother's death but I wasn't entirely sure.

Setting 12/15

I liked the description of the campground and I was somewhat pleased with where the initial part of the story was set also.

Creativity 13/15

I think this was a nice and quite sad story that was well put together and somewhat creative, especially with regards to the description of Anna and the campground. I think for extra punch, at the end of the story, have Anna die. Because ending the story with the protagonist saying he loves her is a little cliche in my humble opinion.

Style 15/15

I really like your style of writing, or at least the one for this story. It's a nice mix of formality and poetics that just flows. It's a great read this.

Grammar/spelling 5/5

I saw nothing wrong with anything.

Overall 85/100

Thanks! I was desperately worried about the cliché, it was one of those things where I ended up struggling to keep it out, and I don't think I did a brilliant job there. I'll certainly bear your comments in mind, though.

[The Empire of Pretantia]

._. Well, I've learned something today. A lot of things, actually, but they're all useful.
Back to the drawing board.

[Kingsmouth]

._. Well, I've learned something today. A lot of things, actually, but they're all useful.
Back to the drawing board.

Ha! beat you by ONE point!

[Nazi Flower Power]

My entry. Clocks in at around 1385 words. It's actually the first and thus the best short story I've ever written. Huzzah!

Mago

Chapter 1
Nothing much ever seemed to change in the town of Guzar. Even Phocas, the town’s elder, couldn’t remember the town being any different since his childhood (apart from the loss of respect for the elderly, which he would make sure to remind you of every chance he got). Sure, things happened: people were born, got sick, got married and died; but actual change? No.
After what seemed like centuries Guzar still had the same wooden houses, the same rolling hills, farmlands and oak trees, and the river Ros still flowed next to the town at the same easy pace as it always had.
And in the center of this town stood a small cobblestone manor owned by the ancient lords of Guzar: the house of Marduk. And it is here, in this manor, that somebody is about to be born who will have a dream to change not only Guzar, but all of life as we know it, forever.
“It’s coming! The baby’s coming!” lady Mary screamed. The bedroom was packed with doctors, midwives and servants carrying supplies; and the guards were having a hard time keeping even more people out.
Among the throng of curious servants and distant acquaintances who were ordered to stay outside, lord Hannibal Marduk seemed the most nervous. He paced around the corridor with his hands clasped behind his back, pausing only to look up when Mary gave another scream or when another servant ran inside the room with a bucket of water or a blanket. The birth had already lasted for hours so far, and Lord Hannibal had gotten more jittery with every passing hour.
Eventually, Lord Hannibal had been ordered to retreat into the dining room (he was a large man and his increasingly frantic pacing was starting to get in the way of the servants) He was just about to drink some wine to calm his nerves. when the town doctor came rushing in, an ear-to-ear grin on his face. All he said was “it’s done.”
He saw his wife, more exhausted than he’d ever seen her, with a serene smile on her face. In her arms, she held a crying infant. He was large for his age, with gleaming blue eyes and bright pink skin. “congratulations”, the doctor said “it’s a boy”. Hannibal felt a kind of joy he hadn’t felt since the day they had gotten married.
Before either of them could say anything, Mary started gasping once again. “I-I think there’s another one coming”, she said.
The room was suddenly in a blur of motion once again, and Lord Hannibal was forced to leave the room.
Another child, another eternity spent pacing around the manor. Hannibal was feeling even more tense than before: seeing the exhaustion in Mary’s eyes made him wonder if she was even going to make it.
After even more long, creaking hours, the doctor returned.
The second child looked smaller than the first, with pale skin and green eyes. His cry wasn’t as loud as the first one’s, but Hannibal was too ecstatic to care. “Oh glorious day”, he said, “you have given me two sons today. What shall we name them, Mary?”
Mary?
…
Mary.

Chapter 2
Mago Marduk’s room was relatively simple: there was a bed, a desk, some loose floorboards that came in handy as a secret storage and a small pile of books.
Mago loved books. He’d spend nearly every second of his free time reading. Unlike his brother Himilco, who was tall and brash with a natural talent for fighting and getting into trouble; Mago was small and sickly. Ever since birth he had always been coming down with some illness or another. Years of staying inside with nothing to do but read or study had made him pretty much obsessed with it. Even when books weren’t available he’d still study anything he could. He’d look at birds outside the window, observe insects in his room and pester people with questions. This all lead to him being, in his own words, “pretty damn smart for a thirteen year-old” (humility wasn’t his strong suit)
Not today, though. Today he would read a book. He had just lit a candle and was just about to continue reading his new book when he heard a tapping on the windowsill.
At first he thought it was his his magpie Susan. He had given her some food one day years ago, and since that day it always came to his window every day around midday and beg for some food.
The strange thing was that it was that it wasn’t noon at all. In fact, it was already past dusk.
Suddenly, he heard a loud wisper from below. He looked down and saw his brother beckoning him.
“Himilco? How did you… What are you…” Mago tried to ask.
“Nevermind tht, got down here. I’ve got something to show you. Get down here.” Himilco said
Mago quickly put on his coat and tiptoed his way outside.
“You had best have a really good reason for getting me to come down here at this time of the day” Mago said
“Oh trust me, I do. Look at this.” Himilco picked up something big and square and showed it to Mago.
It looked like some kind of box. Around the size of a small briefcase, it had ornate black-and-green decorations of a type Mago had never seen before. The front of the box was adorned with the image of a single white skull.
“ What is it?” Mago asked
“No idea”, Himilco said. “I found hidden in the roots of an oak tree. You know, the big one near Potter’s field. the Must be some kind of treasure.”
“Have you tried opening it?” Mago asked
“I have, but it seems to be locked. Don’t see any keyholes either. Looks like it’s a mystery.”
Mago’s eyes lit up: he loved mysteries! “Maybe it’s some sort of puzzle.” he said. “Like you need to press some secret button or something. Mind if I keep it for a bit? Maybe I can find something out about it.”
Himilco shrugged. “You’re the egghead” he said. “Just be careful with it, all right? And be careful with it. This thing looks like it’s worth a small fortune. And hide it somewhere safe. Don’t just stuff it under the floorboards like you usually do.
Mago looked shocked: “You know about the floorb-“
Himilco grinned at Mago’s expression. “Oldest one in the book”, he said. “Honestly, you’re just too predictable sometimes”

Chapter 3
Mago was starting to hate the little box. He had already spent hours trying to open the damn thing, but to no avail. And he was starting to get cranky.
He had tried everything he could think of, searched every nook and cranny for some secret switch, and looked in every book he had on hand and the box was still as shut as it was when he got it.
“Alright, that’s it!” He said to no-one in particular. The infamous Marduk Family Temper was playing up again, and there was no way Mago was going to let a lowly box beat him.
He started taking out the dagger (more than one aristocrat was saved from an assassination by a good dagger, and even one wielded by a child could make one think twice) and started trying to pry it open by force.
No sooner had Mago taken his dagger than he cut his own finger. “You idiot!” he thought to himself after having only barely suppressed a yelp of pain that would’ve woken up the entire building.
His anger soon turned into surprise, as a few drops of the blood dripped onto the box. The blood must’ve done something, as he heard a mechanism click into place and the box opened.
Inside was the biggest book Mago had ever seen. It was the kind of book that you’d only read if you were either a great scholar or an idiot desperately trying to seem like one.
The pages seemed ancient. The cover had the same decorations as the box. The middle of the cover was adorned by the same grinning white skull.
The first chapter seemed to say something about raising the dead.
Mago was starting to like the little box.

Extra info:

Unfortunately, I didn't finish the story in time. A combination of writer's block, having to restart the story, procrastination and not having quite as much time in the last few days as I thought I'd have caused this story to be kind of unfinished.
The story was intended as a fantasy short story. The intention was to have the main character become totally obsessed with necromancy and not letting people die no matter what. He would try to resurrect people. The resurrection would fail dramatically causing him to be banished from the town and vow to continue his work.
The father was supposed to be a weird guy who was hit really hard after the death of his wife. He was supposed to be a kind of crazy guy who rarely went out of his room, which was supposed to help explain why 1.) the kids have so much freedom and 2.) why Mago was so obsessed with not letting people die (he kinda lost both his parents at birth and he has a bit of a guilt complex over indirectly causing his mother's death when he was born.) It may also have contained some millaiuvenumistic Capra aegagrus hircus worship.
I hope the story still kind of stands up even without the whole not-being-entirely-finished thing.

I'm not a judge, so my opinion doesn't count as far as the contest; but since you said you were trying to get feedback... Short stories usually don't have chapters. Also, you had a lot of plot to fit it all into a short story. As a result you are rushing a little and not doing a good job of fleshing out your characters. There are a lot of punctuation problems.