Nazi Flower Power wrote:snip
I'm honestly rather unsurprised, seeing as I wrote this at three in the morning about two years ago.
but qazox's entry was worse
Advertisement
by Ende » Fri Nov 02, 2012 9:24 pm
Nazi Flower Power wrote:snip
by Nazi Flower Power » Fri Nov 02, 2012 9:37 pm
by Nazi Flower Power » Sat Nov 03, 2012 9:17 pm
She had a petite nose and small curved lips with rosy cheeks that made her look like a fairy or an elf.
Dungarees and a tight vest I discovered I had put on where common on Lalonde.
my sour view towards colonists surely means I'm wasn't one.
I'm was intelligence agency operative
It smashed, and an array of swords, axes and other weapons spilled out - they pierced his legs and severed his left hand.
by Forsher » Sat Nov 03, 2012 10:50 pm
Nazi Flower Power wrote:FORSHERCharacters - 5/25
They have no personality. Their origin stories are not bad, but you need to do more with them on-stage after introducing them. The Demon Warlord sounds like he might be fun if he actually appeared rather than just being referred to in the explanation of Twelve's background. Basically, we need to see these characters in action.
A fair criticism. There's some dialogue and that was really everything that happened.Plot - 6/25
It might work in a novel where we get to follow Vincent and Twelve through all their adventures leading up to this scene. It doesn't work as a short story. You have too much background and not enough action.
It may have, if it was a longer short story.Setting - 4/15
Obviously a plot device designed to set up this showdown. You did describe the scene so that it was easy to visualize, but it was unfortunately a boring scene.
I'm an accountant. Not really, but I believe they are stereotypically boring.Creativity - 6/10
It sounds like there is some interesting mystical stuff going on in the background, but a duel to the death is not too original. The bit about Merlin letting his qualifications lapse was amusing.
Oh dear... humour in a horror story, that's going to hurt me.Style - 3/10
I'm not sure if it's thesaurus abuse or just overthinking, but the writing feels kind of forced. Also, it gets a bit infodumpy in some places.
I can assure you no thesaurus ever got near it. The writing was quite forced, I said I would enter and then I woke up and realised I had no story and then there was this.Theme - 2/10
Sorry, but it looks like it's been pieced together from parts of an epic fantasy novel.
But it had demons! And death! Well, sort of death... undead?Grammar/spelling - 4.5/5
You missed a comma or two, but overall the grammar and spelling were good.
Yes! A half point.Overall - 25.5/100
by Nazi Flower Power » Sat Nov 03, 2012 11:08 pm
Forsher wrote:Just some thoughts of mine of the judging which is, so far, very good.Nazi Flower Power wrote:FORSHER
A fair criticism. There's some dialogue and that was really everything that happened.
It may have, if it was a longer short story.
I'm an accountant. Not really, but I believe they are stereotypically boring.
Oh dear... humour in a horror story, that's going to hurt me.
I can assure you no thesaurus ever got near it. The writing was quite forced, I said I would enter and then I woke up and realised I had no story and then there was this.
But it had demons! And death! Well, sort of death... undead?
Yes! A half point.
Above my average score (with Johz's marking excluded as in the official record) for the most hastily written piece of the lot. I must continue this trend.
by Communist Quinntopia » Sun Nov 04, 2012 1:38 pm
by Conserative Morality » Sun Nov 04, 2012 2:45 pm
Communist Quinntopia wrote:
Well, I wasn't expecting it to do extremely well. I just hastily threw it together as soon as I entered. I originally planned to have it without dialogue. However, 72 overall is pretty good.
P.S. Will there be a Christmas short story contest?
by Nazi Flower Power » Sun Nov 04, 2012 8:07 pm
Conserative Morality wrote:Communist Quinntopia wrote:
Well, I wasn't expecting it to do extremely well. I just hastily threw it together as soon as I entered. I originally planned to have it without dialogue. However, 72 overall is pretty good.
P.S. Will there be a Christmas short story contest?
Themeless, I believe, but yes, these are seasonal.
I would turn corners that would bend the other way as soon as my eyes were off of them; doors that disappeared whenever I tried to leave the room.
by Conserative Morality » Sun Nov 04, 2012 8:15 pm
Nazi Flower Power wrote:I kind of like having a theme.
Also, I finished my judgement for your story...
CONSERATIVE MORALITY
Characters - 23/25
Overall the characterization is good. The cigarettes were a nice way to illustrate that George is in over his head and losing it, and you did a good job of getting into his head and showing us his point of view.
It might have been nice to have a little more about the history between George and Clara before he got lured into the cultists' house. This is maybe more of a plot issue, but I'm also a little confused about who Paul was before he got possessed and what he was doing in the house. Was he originally George's partner? He doesn't need a ton of character-development since he's possessed and gets killed in the first scene, but it would be nice to know why he was there. The bit about Frank and George serving in the army together doesn't really add anything to the story.
Plot - 20/25
Similar to what I said about characterization: It's good, but some additional background about how the characters know each other and ended up at this house would be nice. The way you jump straight into the action means that it takes a while to figure out what is going on -- though the opening itself was well-written.
Setting - 13/15
You do a good job of establishing the ambience, but you never said where the house is and there is not any description of the asylum other than "They put me in an asylum."
Creativity - 8/10
Haunted houses and evil cults have been done, but you did it with style and put in enough detail to make it your own.
Style - 8/10
You used the first person viewpoint effectively, and in general it's quite readable; but the sentence fragments and ellipses sometimes get a little choppy. I realize that some of that is deliberate, but sometimes it was too much.
Theme - 10/10
Excellent.
Grammar/spelling - 4/5
I know some of the sentence fragments are part of the conversational tone, but they got a little out of hand, and there was some weird punctuation. And...I would turn corners that would bend the other way as soon as my eyes were off of them; doors that disappeared whenever I tried to leave the room.
I know how to turn a corner, but how does one turn a door?
Overall - 86/100
by Nazi Flower Power » Sun Nov 04, 2012 9:39 pm
Conserative Morality wrote:Nazi Flower Power wrote:I kind of like having a theme.
Also, I finished my judgement for your story...
CONSERATIVE MORALITY
Characters - 23/25
Overall the characterization is good. The cigarettes were a nice way to illustrate that George is in over his head and losing it, and you did a good job of getting into his head and showing us his point of view.
It might have been nice to have a little more about the history between George and Clara before he got lured into the cultists' house. This is maybe more of a plot issue, but I'm also a little confused about who Paul was before he got possessed and what he was doing in the house. Was he originally George's partner? He doesn't need a ton of character-development since he's possessed and gets killed in the first scene, but it would be nice to know why he was there. The bit about Frank and George serving in the army together doesn't really add anything to the story.
Plot - 20/25
Similar to what I said about characterization: It's good, but some additional background about how the characters know each other and ended up at this house would be nice. The way you jump straight into the action means that it takes a while to figure out what is going on -- though the opening itself was well-written.
Setting - 13/15
You do a good job of establishing the ambience, but you never said where the house is and there is not any description of the asylum other than "They put me in an asylum."
Creativity - 8/10
Haunted houses and evil cults have been done, but you did it with style and put in enough detail to make it your own.
Style - 8/10
You used the first person viewpoint effectively, and in general it's quite readable; but the sentence fragments and ellipses sometimes get a little choppy. I realize that some of that is deliberate, but sometimes it was too much.
Theme - 10/10
Excellent.
Grammar/spelling - 4/5
I know some of the sentence fragments are part of the conversational tone, but they got a little out of hand, and there was some weird punctuation. And...
I know how to turn a corner, but how does one turn a door?
Overall - 86/100
Originally, I had a significant amount of backstory written in, but I thought leaving it in detracted from the feel of the story itself, so I just removed it. I felt the atmosphere was more important than the details of the history of the characters.
by Nazi Flower Power » Mon Nov 05, 2012 3:00 pm
He’d keep this guy on his list of potential suspects list, though.
by Nazi Flower Power » Mon Nov 05, 2012 9:27 pm
by Forsher » Mon Nov 05, 2012 9:36 pm
Nazi Flower Power wrote:A few typos and instances of wonky punctuation, but not a major issue. Double quotes or single quotes are both acceptable, but you should not switch back and forth between them in the same story. Double quotes are the standard in American English, single quotes in British, and I am not sure about other countries.
by Nazi Flower Power » Mon Nov 05, 2012 9:50 pm
Forsher wrote:Nazi Flower Power wrote:A few typos and instances of wonky punctuation, but not a major issue. Double quotes or single quotes are both acceptable, but you should not switch back and forth between them in the same story. Double quotes are the standard in American English, single quotes in British, and I am not sure about other countries.
Well, we learnt about a thing called 'speech marks' which look like this " and this ". 66 and 99.
So, it really come downs to whether or not I feel like talking about 'the darkness of man's heart' or "I saw your fire".
by Qazox » Mon Nov 05, 2012 11:11 pm
by Forsher » Tue Nov 06, 2012 12:07 am
Qazox wrote:72/100? I just got burned out towards the end w/ my story. (all too common with most of my stories) But I'll take a tie for 3rd place (so far).
Nazi Flower Power wrote:Forsher wrote:
Well, we learnt about a thing called 'speech marks' which look like this " and this ". 66 and 99.
So, it really come downs to whether or not I feel like talking about 'the darkness of man's heart' or "I saw your fire".
There was at least a typo or two besides the quote thing, so I'm not going to change the score even if the quotes are some kind of local usage thing.
by Ramenasia » Tue Nov 06, 2012 2:27 am
Nazi Flower Power wrote:Theme - 10/10
If you made it any more horrific, you'd be disqualified for breaking the site rules on gore. Seriously, yuck.
Nazi Flower Power wrote:
Good overall, but I can't give you 5/5 because:He’d keep this guy on his list of potential suspects list, though.
by Nazi Flower Power » Tue Nov 06, 2012 8:20 pm
Ramenasia wrote:Nazi Flower Power wrote:Theme - 10/10
If you made it any more horrific, you'd be disqualified for breaking the site rules on gore. Seriously, yuck.
I tried not to go crazy with it, but I imagine that human sacrifices in general are messy affairs. Especially those conducted by malevolent Aztec spirits.
I winced. Can't believe I missed that.
by Nazi Flower Power » Tue Nov 06, 2012 8:31 pm
Forsher wrote:Everything I've ever read on the matter says either or is fine but not both. That post was just more about providing what happens in other countries as you said you weren't so sure (and to be frank, my primary school seems to have been somewhat isolated).
by Forsher » Tue Nov 06, 2012 9:46 pm
Nazi Flower Power wrote:Forsher wrote:Everything I've ever read on the matter says either or is fine but not both. That post was just more about providing what happens in other countries as you said you weren't so sure (and to be frank, my primary school seems to have been somewhat isolated).
OK. I was specifically taught to use double quotes, but that's because I went to school in the US.
I tried not to dock points for people who are in other countries and were just writing their local dialect, but it is a bit confusing to judge something like this where we have people from all over the world.
by Nazi Flower Power » Thu Nov 08, 2012 12:30 am
Forsher wrote:Nazi Flower Power wrote:
OK. I was specifically taught to use double quotes, but that's because I went to school in the US.
I tried not to dock points for people who are in other countries and were just writing their local dialect, but it is a bit confusing to judge something like this where we have people from all over the world.
I suppose that is true. I don't think that helped my previous entry... Johz (who's a Brit) scored it much higher than the other three judges so...
by Unidox » Thu Nov 08, 2012 12:37 am
Caninope wrote:It's NSG. The 20th Circle of LIMBO!
Buffett and Colbert wrote:Always here to ruin the day. 8)
Living Freedom Land wrote:Oh, so now you want gay people to take part in the sacred institution of tax rebates too? You liberals sicken me.
Lacadaemon wrote:I mean, hell, in a properly regulated market, pension stripping schemes like Zynga wouldn't ever have a sniff of an IPO (see Groupon). But it's all wild westy now. Lie down with dogs and so forth.
by Qazox » Thu Nov 08, 2012 1:00 am
Unidox wrote:Characters - 12.5/25
Plot - 12.5/25
Setting - 7.5/15
Creativity - 8/10
Style - 5/10
Theme - 4/10
Grammar/spelling - 5/5
Overall - 54.5/100
Qazox' EntryCharacters - 20/25
Plot - 23/25
Setting - 14/15
Creativity - 7/10
Style - 10/10
Theme - 7/10
Grammar/spelling - 3/5
Overall - 84/100
Partially Blind People's EntryCharacters - 21/25
Plot - 18/25
Setting - 13/15
Creativity - 9/10
Style - 7/10
Theme - 4/10
Grammar/spelling - 2/5
Overall - 74/100
Forsher's EntryCharacters - 24/25
Plot - 15/25
Setting - 14/15
Creativity - 9/10
Style - 9/10
Theme - 5/10
Grammar/spelling - 5/5
Overall - 81/100Characters - 10/25
Plot - 13/25
Setting - 8/15
Creativity - 5/10
Style - 3/10
Theme - 5/10
Grammar/spelling - 5/5
Overall - 49/100
Conserative Morality's EntryCharacters - 23/25
Plot - 25/25
Setting - 15/15
Creativity - 6/10
Style - 8/10
Theme - 9/10
Grammar/spelling - 5/5
Overall - 91/100
Ramenasia's EntryCharacters - 18/25
Plot - 20/25
Setting - 13/15
Creativity - 5/10
Style - 6/10
Theme - 6/10
Grammar/spelling - 4/5
Overall - 72/100Characters - 19/25
Plot - 24/25
Setting - 15/15
Creativity - 7/10
Style - 7/10
Theme - 8/10
Grammar/spelling - 5/5
Overall - 85/100
by Nazi Flower Power » Thu Nov 08, 2012 1:44 am
Qazox wrote:Unidox wrote:Characters - 12.5/25
Plot - 12.5/25
Setting - 7.5/15
Creativity - 8/10
Style - 5/10
Theme - 4/10
Grammar/spelling - 5/5
Overall - 54.5/100
Qazox' EntryCharacters - 20/25
Plot - 23/25
Setting - 14/15
Creativity - 7/10
Style - 10/10
Theme - 7/10
Grammar/spelling - 3/5
Overall - 84/100
Partially Blind People's EntryCharacters - 21/25
Plot - 18/25
Setting - 13/15
Creativity - 9/10
Style - 7/10
Theme - 4/10
Grammar/spelling - 2/5
Overall - 74/100
Forsher's EntryCharacters - 24/25
Plot - 15/25
Setting - 14/15
Creativity - 9/10
Style - 9/10
Theme - 5/10
Grammar/spelling - 5/5
Overall - 81/100Characters - 10/25
Plot - 13/25
Setting - 8/15
Creativity - 5/10
Style - 3/10
Theme - 5/10
Grammar/spelling - 5/5
Overall - 49/100
Conserative Morality's EntryCharacters - 23/25
Plot - 25/25
Setting - 15/15
Creativity - 6/10
Style - 8/10
Theme - 9/10
Grammar/spelling - 5/5
Overall - 91/100
Ramenasia's EntryCharacters - 18/25
Plot - 20/25
Setting - 13/15
Creativity - 5/10
Style - 6/10
Theme - 6/10
Grammar/spelling - 4/5
Overall - 72/100Characters - 19/25
Plot - 24/25
Setting - 15/15
Creativity - 7/10
Style - 7/10
Theme - 8/10
Grammar/spelling - 5/5
Overall - 85/100
Thanks!
by Forsher » Thu Nov 08, 2012 1:55 am
Advertisement
Users browsing this forum: New haven america
Advertisement