Summer Short Story Contest! (2012) Winners announced!

[Johz]

I've finished all the scores, now I'm writing it out as per CM's format. I should be finished by this time tomorrow evening.

Really? That was fast.

Well I haven't written out all of the judgements, which looks like it might take some time.

[Johz]

At last! Scoring finished, with the good, the acceptable, and the intolerably painful all read and judged. As such, it is time for my scores.

A note before I begin. I made the mistake of reading the other judges' opinions of your story before I read your story so that I could understand how the system worked. Alas, this coloured my initial view of your entry, and indeed my second view, albeit now in the other direction. This is the one judgement I am least sure of, and I apologise.

Character: 14/25
You didn't expand his character much, and the only reason I could understand for his objection was his not wishing to die. That said, he was described well, and I could imagine much of his emotion.
Plot: 14/25
Again, there was never actually much of a plot, and I wasn't hung on the overall ideas, but each individual event was well crafted as a good narrative hummock.
Setting: 12/15
This was most definitely a success. I think you really described everything in a good amount of detail, and the backgrounds you described stood up to that.
Creativity: 12/15
The actual concept would have been a bit bland, as the stories of concientious objectors have recently become more common. However, your telling of the failure of will was quite good, and I liked a lot of the little elements. I'll admit I didn't get the Roland reference, though.
Style: 9
I was always expecting you to earn back points on what could be a bland, one charcter, one scene story in this and the previous section. While you had everything in place, my one criticism is that I had to read it multiple times to realise what you were on about. You need to work on removing some of the obfuscation.
Grammar/Style: 4/5
I noticed the odd mistake here and there, but not enough to detract from the text.
Overall: 65/100

Character: 19/25
You had a variety of them, and each one was at a good basic level, but we only really saw one person change, and that was quite a sudden shift that happened behind our backs, as it were. Additionally, there is a limit to how awful your Nazis can speak without a reader wanting to strangle them. Bad grammar done for reasons of style is still bad grammar, albeit more excusable.
Plot: 17/25
The plot gripped me certainly, and, once I'd understood what was going on, I wanted to continue reading every time I was interupted, which is the mark of a good storyteller. Nonetheless, the ending was far too abrupt. *some time later* "You've remembered my number!" "Yes." "Save me!" "Okay." I mean, it was always a good point to stop at, but maybe that stopping could have been slightly smoother.
Setting: 8/15
There's a good amount in there, not too much and not too little. Having said that, a little bit more description might have just pushed this up a little.
Creativity: 7/15
It's a story about Nazis from the future. I'm sure had I read this as a part of the novel you said you'd been working on, I would have understood completely, but as it is I'm vaguely guessing about some sort of alternate timeline involving genetic engineering, and so I lose some. The plot specific to these scenes isn't too exciting and unusual either, although it is quite well polished.
Style: 10/15
It's not perfect, but it's readable, and highly readable at that. My one major criticism is that this is not a short story, this is a small section of a novel. I would far rather read that novel than this story.
Grammar/Spelling: 5/5
I didn't notice anything.
Overall: 66/100

Character: 18/25
I'm not quite sure what happened, but sometimes the character of Mike fell slightly flat. I think it may have been because we didn't quite get into his head. The other criticism would be of his date, whose head we never got particularly near. Additionally, although I haven't deducted marks for this, Noel is a male name!
Plot: 15/25
There wasn't much of a plot there, and, while there never needed to be a plot, there needed to be something to push the drama on at times. Having said that, I loved the revelation that she thought he was on drugs, and thought that twist affected the story quite sharply.
Setting: 12/15
I originally gave you a five, and then thought what the hell am I doing. Your basic descriptions are themselves enough to warrant you at least ten. What pushed you up were the little details. No, I didn't care about what he ate that night, but I did want to know about the bass, and you tied them together. That was the mark of someone very good.
Creativity: 9/15
Some of the overall themes in there have been done to death, but the allusions to the previous girl, and the fact that we were watching a descent not a rise, made it a fresh story as opposed to a stale one.
Style: 8/15
Not perfect, but readable. The constant references, and the fact that you rarely refered to Noel as anything but 'Mike's date' when coming from his perspective were both quite good, however.
Grammar/Spelling: 5/5
None that I noticed.
Overall: 67/100

Character: 19/25
I quite liked the characters, and I thought they developed (and undeveloped as time went all over the place) quite successfully. If I had to point out a flaw, it was that we didn't hear much from Jen until quite late, at which point the slight friction between what she felt and thought she should feel was lost, because there wasn't enough action for us to see it in.
Plot: 18/25
The plot ran quite well in this, and I liked the shootout in its surprise. I also felt that the pace of the action moved well with the pace of the story, there was a good contrast. I thought you handled the varying times well to ensure that everything was revealed in good time.
Setting: 9/15
There wasn't much 'ornimental' description, although it was clear that you were concentrating on the plot. Having said that, the beginning of each scene was usually well-described, and a good variety of techniques were used.
Creativity: 11/15
I like the little pieces of the story that build together - how Jenn is being rescued, and the way they fit together. It wasn't an oft-told story, and the way each individual character did have quite a unique background to bring made it very refreshing.
Style: 12/15
You get bonus marks for the non-linear nature of the story, but very often within a particular scene you manage to flash back to a different scene. Take the short paragraph that begins "If the car smells like weed...", where we start at a different point of time to when we end.
Grammar/Spelling: 5/5
Nothing that I noticed.
Overall: 74/100

[Johz]

Character: 18/25
I thought your characterisation was extremely strong, as one would hope it would be in a one-man story like this. The other characters were not generally as strong, but still not weak either. If I had an issue it would be the 'not understanding love and life' bit not being continued. It was there, I enjoyed reading it, and it explained about his wife leaving him. However, it never really got developed. Yes, it probably contributed to how he dealt with Geber's wife, but not all that much.
Plot: 16/25
I liked it up until the point where Geber's wife turned up in a bath. Admittedly there wasn't necessarily much action, but the recounting of the events that had lead to Edward's interview was quite skillfully told. Really, the only disapointing bit in the actual story was when he encountered Geber's wife in the bath, and that was mainly because it made no sense.
Setting: 8/15
There aren't many real settings, but the few there are are well described. There's nothing really exciting or original in the descriptions, but then there's nothing there to complain about either.
Creativity: 11/15
The story is certainly creative - especially Geber's wife. It's not necessarily depressing, neither is it feelgood, but it's a good solid story of what could - could - happen, and yet also quite unique in that.
Style: 8/15
While your style of writing is very good, you seemed to falter at the end, which is partly why the bit with Geber's wife (definitely the hardest part technically) seemed slightly off. Well fairly off. On any other story it probably wouldn't have mattered, but this saving of the best bit until last was your downfall.
Grammar/Spelling: 4/5
A slight error, but nothing to prevent reading, for me at least.
Overall: 65/100

Character: 5/25
I really can't see any of the characters at all. Declan seems to be somewhat naive, his wife is an odd ghostly femme fatale, and a mysterious stranger. Two out of those are clichéd beyond repair, and the third is merely empty.
Plot: 4/25
I'm not even sure what the plot was. Man gets killed by wife? Save us all from predictable endings. Added to that, foreshadowing (I call it foreshadowing, it's more like revealing the last page of a murder mystery) a predictable ending is not advisable.
Setting: 3/15
There is constant description of his surroundings, although the imagery is largely clichéd and dry. However, describing a night as 'awesome' is not particularly helpful. Setting scenes in a story should be about helping the reader understand what's happening, rather than explaining your own thoughts.
Creativity: 5/15
There were some high points. I particularly liked the idea of the clock's chiming mixing with his own thoughts to create voices. Other than that, the plot was dull, and none of the characters sparkled.
Style: 2/15
I'm not quite sure I can pinpoint what went wrong, but lots of little things just irritated me. I just didn't feel like I was being written for.
Grammar/Spelling: 2/5
Capitalisation is key! Always Use Title Case For Headings. Always begin sentences with capital letters. Additionally, in a couple of places you suddenly switched tenses. But my main peeve was capitalisation.
Overall: 21/100

A Note: I was far more excited by your other, unofficial entry. Had you finished that, it would have scored a lot more points. Keep on trying!

Character: 1/25
I originaly thought to give you 0, as there were no characters. I eventually decided that the human race collectively did count as a character, so I gave you one. Having little apparent motive for their actions, they set off on a quest and then died. I'd have liked the human race to do somethung interesting, maybe to have watched their character change, maybe just understood what the hell they were doing.
Plot: 6/25
At least something happened, even if I didn't understand why or how. They seemed to be stopping the collapse of the universe by destroying matter, but other beings sped up the expansion of the universe, destroying everything except one bloke in a black hole. And I only got that because I understand the physics. Ah, physics. We'll move onto that later.
Setting: 1/15
At least tell me the basics. Space, according to years of sci-fi work, is vast or beautiful, and sometimes both. You described it in the same way you might describe a field. And by describing a field, I mean saying it was green. The use of meaningless names and words, even if they mean something to the inhabitants of your world, or even other sci-fi fans (I did notice the Alcubierre reference) isn't going to help most readers understand the setting.
Creativity: 5/15
It was sort of vaguely interesting having the whole of humanity die, but you've clearly been influenced by space opera's empty landscapes. Nothing really unique happened for me.
Style: 3/15
A note about science: use it. One of the greatest science fiction writers of all time, Jules Verne, knew science. Another giant in the field, your supposed inspiration Isaac Asimov, knew science. You know instead a dollop of pseudo-science, a smattering of almost-science, and the barest crumb of scientific legend. I would strongly recommend reading a cosmology book. Other than that, I liked your style, but felt that it was more of an opener to an interesting space opera than a masterful short story.
Grammar/Spelling: 4/5
Nothing dreadful, just the odd thing.
Overall: 20/100

Character: 19/25
A good, all round character. His accompanying cast were all fairly solid as well, which certainly seemed to help the story. Nothing exceptionally worthy of praise, although that belies the fact that neither could I criticise one of your characters.
Plot: 21/25
My goodness, you had me on tenterhooks! A splash of classic gangster, a splash of high school, a splash of detective, and a bit of action thrown all over the place. I thought it was excellent.
Setting: 6/15
I can't give you much for setting when we scarcely see any, but your description of other things, particularly the atmosphere of a place, is redeeming.
Creativity: 9/15
It's a bit Bugsy Malone in the way we see gangsters in a children's setting. Maybe, not understanding the American education system, this is quite normal, but over the pond, it seems quite nice and original, so count yourself lucky. The twist at the end I should have got, and the only reason it wasn't immediately obvious is because I'm rubbish at getting them. Nevertheless, a half-obvious twist is better than no twist at all.
Style: 8/15
I liked the occasional British references, including the teacher at the end. National pride compels me, therefore, to like your style. Other than that, you clearly are quite multicultural, and that showed itself well. I liked the way you would finish sections with a single snappy phrase, it gave the whole thing a movie feel.
Grammar/Spelling: 5/5
Nothing that I could see.
Overall: 68/100

[Johz]

Character: 17/25
I wanted to give you two scores - a high one for the start where I think you had a great character, but a low one for the end where he seemed completely changed with no apparent reason for that change. Overall, however, the central figure was of high quality, and the extra characters who supported him were well made.
Plot: 16/25
I thought the plot was quite funny, albeit with a less-than-sunny ending. There isn't much of a story here, and you've managed to string out 'being told you're about to get fired' quite well. What helps are the minor tensions in the plot, which you've added in nicely.
Setting: 12/15
You have a nice habit of describing the little things in the room - the impressionist paintings, the elevator's inspection date - which should be encouraged.
Creativity: 8/15
It's a fun little story, like I said, and quite original. Indeed, the boss throwing himself out of the window was quite comical in some ways, as were the goats. All in all, I liked it.
Style: 6/15
Your writing is too informal. While there are moments that informality can be called an effect, this is not one of them. Additionally, remember to use a new paragraph for a new speaker, and don't use words like 'well' and 'so' at the beginning of sentences.
Grammar/Spelling: 4/5
There was a bit of confusion with tenses near the start which ruined the opening paragraphs for me.
Overall: 63/100

EDIT: Apparently I can't copy out nine letters correctly. Sorry, Esternial.

[Esternial]

Character: 17/25
I wanted to give you two scores - a high one for the start where I think you had a great character, but a low one for the end where he seemed completely changed with no apparent reason for that change. Overall, however, the central figure was of high quality, and the extra characters who supported him were well made.
Plot: 16/25
I thought the plot was quite funny, albeit with a less-than-sunny ending. There isn't much of a story here, and you've managed to string out 'being told you're about to get fired' quite well. What helps are the minor tensions in the plot, which you've added in nicely.
Setting: 12/15
You have a nice habit of describing the little things in the room - the impressionist paintings, the elevator's inspection date - which should be encouraged.
Creativity: 8/15
It's a fun little story, like I said, and quite original. Indeed, the boss throwing himself out of the window was quite comical in some ways, as were the goats. All in all, I liked it.
Style: 6/15
Your writing is too informal. While there are moments that informality can be called an effect, this is not one of them. Additionally, remember to use a new paragraph for a new speaker, and don't use words like 'well' and 'so' at the beginning of sentences.
Grammar/Spelling: 4/5
There was a bit of confusion with tenses near the start which ruined the opening paragraphs for me.
Overall: 63/100

I wrote the story in two tries. It's been months between when I wrote the first and second part.

And you misspelled my name

[Nazi Flower Power]

It's a story about Nazis from the future. I'm sure had I read this as a part of the novel you said you'd been working on, I would have understood completely, but as it is I'm vaguely guessing about some sort of alternate timeline involving genetic engineering, and so I lose some. The plot specific to these scenes isn't too exciting and unusual either, although it is quite well polished.

It's actually not an alternate timeline. It's just a planet that was colonized by white supremacist hate groups trying to get away from the people they hate.

EDIT: I am not sure why a Nazi character who you want to strangle is a problem. I mean, he's a Nazi...

[Forsher]

At last! Scoring finished, with the good, the acceptable, and the intolerably painful all read and judged. As such, it is time for my scores.

A note before I begin. I made the mistake of reading the other judges' opinions of your story before I read your story so that I could understand how the system worked. Alas, this coloured my initial view of your entry, and indeed my second view, albeit now in the other direction. This is the one judgement I am least sure of, and I apologise.

Character: 14/25
You didn't expand his character much, and the only reason I could understand for his objection was his not wishing to die. That said, he was described well, and I could imagine much of his emotion.
Plot: 14/25
Again, there was never actually much of a plot, and I wasn't hung on the overall ideas, but each individual event was well crafted as a good narrative hummock.
Setting: 12/15
This was most definitely a success. I think you really described everything in a good amount of detail, and the backgrounds you described stood up to that.
Creativity: 12/15
The actual concept would have been a bit bland, as the stories of concientious objectors have recently become more common. However, your telling of the failure of will was quite good, and I liked a lot of the little elements. I'll admit I didn't get the Roland reference, though.
Style: 9
I was always expecting you to earn back points on what could be a bland, one charcter, one scene story in this and the previous section. While you had everything in place, my one criticism is that I had to read it multiple times to realise what you were on about. You need to work on removing some of the obfuscation.
Grammar/Style: 4/5
I noticed the odd mistake here and there, but not enough to detract from the text.
Overall: 65/100

While I don't think that mine needed a fourth judging I am most pleased with this one. Certainly it seems to affirm my view that geography was responsible for their low opinions.

[Johz]

Character: 17/25
I wanted to give you two scores - a high one for the start where I think you had a great character, but a low one for the end where he seemed completely changed with no apparent reason for that change. Overall, however, the central figure was of high quality, and the extra characters who supported him were well made.
Plot: 16/25
I thought the plot was quite funny, albeit with a less-than-sunny ending. There isn't much of a story here, and you've managed to string out 'being told you're about to get fired' quite well. What helps are the minor tensions in the plot, which you've added in nicely.
Setting: 12/15
You have a nice habit of describing the little things in the room - the impressionist paintings, the elevator's inspection date - which should be encouraged.
Creativity: 8/15
It's a fun little story, like I said, and quite original. Indeed, the boss throwing himself out of the window was quite comical in some ways, as were the goats. All in all, I liked it.
Style: 6/15
Your writing is too informal. While there are moments that informality can be called an effect, this is not one of them. Additionally, remember to use a new paragraph for a new speaker, and don't use words like 'well' and 'so' at the beginning of sentences.
Grammar/Spelling: 4/5
There was a bit of confusion with tenses near the start which ruined the opening paragraphs for me.
Overall: 63/100

I wrote the story in two tries. It's been months between when I wrote the first and second part.

And you misspelled my name

Sorry about the misspelling. I think I've fixed it now. And yes, the two halves show. Yes, each half was good, but the disconnect was just too obvious.

Although I know the feeling. Sometimes it's easier just to rewrite the first part, painful as that is.

It's a story about Nazis from the future. I'm sure had I read this as a part of the novel you said you'd been working on, I would have understood completely, but as it is I'm vaguely guessing about some sort of alternate timeline involving genetic engineering, and so I lose some. The plot specific to these scenes isn't too exciting and unusual either, although it is quite well polished.

It's actually not an alternate timeline. It's just a planet that was colonized by white supremacist hate groups trying to get away from the people they hate.

EDIT: I am not sure why a Nazi character who you want to strangle is a problem. I mean, he's a Nazi...

Oh, I was fine with the Nazism, as it didn't show itself to much. It was the speaking all of time like translator of bad gone broken which particularly irritated me. I recognise it was for effect, but my goodness it made reading what he was saying hard sometimes.

[Nazi Flower Power]

Oh, I was fine with the Nazism, as it didn't show itself to much.

He is only Nazi because he was raised that way, not someone that picked the ideology on his own; so he is not that extreme. But if I'd written more, I would have actually done more with the Nazism. There is the brief reference to the Weimar Republic's eugenics program, which Sendlinger accepts as a fact of life, but there are also some other subtle Nazi influences in his thinking.

It was the speaking all of time like translator of bad gone broken which particularly irritated me. I recognise it was for effect, but my goodness it made reading what he was saying hard sometimes.

That's why the other characters get annoyed with it.

I've actually posted in his dialect on the writing discussion thread and got people replying as if it was standard English. Admittedly, I used "you needn't" instead of "you mustn't to," but nobody got tripped up by "it gives" or asked me why I was using weird archaic grammar.

[Conserative Morality]

I'll tally it all up either tonight or tomorrow.

[Conserative Morality]

It seems I forgot to write up a judgement for Republic of Hell's entry.

Characters - 1/25

Going with Norstal here - there really aren't any characters to speak of.

Plot - 3/25

Half of it's backstory, the important part of the plot isn't introduced until you're almost done reading, there's no real sense of tension or investment, etc etc.

Setting - 4/15

Not much description about the actual setting.

Creativity - 3/15

Blank!

Style - 6/15

Not confusing, but tedious.

Grammar/spelling - 5/5

I didn't see any.

Overall - 22/100

[Conserative Morality]

Well, that's that. Thanks for participating everyone! Next one will be sometime in the fall.

[North Wiedna]

Well, that's that. Thanks for participating everyone! Next one will be sometime in the fall.

I'll be sure to judge next time

ahahahaha

just kidding

[Forsher]

I think it's unfair for two entries to have a different mix of judges to the seven others as it means that their scores are composed by a different value system. This has absolutely nothing to do with my score jumping up to 37.7 (1dp), of course. (Also, takes advantage of Johz's kindly judging all entries.)

Naturally that means that I would be 37.7 (1dp) and Occupied Deutschland drops a few points (but no places) to 65.0 (1dp).

That said, congratulations to Ramenasia.

[Havl]

Congrats to Ramenasia! I'm looking forward to the next contest.

[Esternial]

I think it's unfair for two entries to have a different mix of judges to the seven others as it means that their scores are composed by a different value system. This has absolutely nothing to do with my score jumping up to 37.7 (1dp), of course. (Also, takes advantage of Johz's kindly judging all entries.)

Naturally that means that I would be 37.7 (1dp) and Occupied Deutschland drops a few points (but no places) to 65.0 (1dp).

That said, congratulations to Ramenasia.

Points, points, points.

All that counts.

[Johz]

I think it's unfair for two entries to have a different mix of judges to the seven others as it means that their scores are composed by a different value system. This has absolutely nothing to do with my score jumping up to 37.7 (1dp), of course. (Also, takes advantage of Johz's kindly judging all entries.)

Naturally that means that I would be 37.7 (1dp) and Occupied Deutschland drops a few points (but no places) to 65.0 (1dp).

That said, congratulations to Ramenasia.

Points, points, points.

All that counts.

Well we all know that points mean prizes..