Occupied Deutschland wrote:I'm sure the formatting on this is gonna be horrendous but...Could this bastard take any longer to make up his mind, Jee-sus!
Anna shifted her weight again and tapped one foot against the linoleum floor of the coffee shop. Some kooky-ass Oriental music was lightly thrumming through a number of speakers spaced throughout the shop, but the supposedly calming nature of the music was anything but at the moment.
“What about a Frappe Whip, what’s that?”
For fuck’s sake man…
Anna blew some air up from her lower lip, sending a stray lock of coal-black hair swinging out of the way of her eye to a new position on her cheekbone.
“So how is that different from the Mocha Frappe Freeze?”
To hell with this…
Anna put her hand on the chubby man’s shoulder and gently but forcefully pushed him aside to the right of the line. He let out a brief gasp, surprised, but then seemed to recover and glanced at the other people in the line for support, which was not forthcoming. Assholes rarely got support.
“Large coffee. Black. No cream. No sugar.”
The man behind the counter nodded quickly and stabbed the buttons on his register, not even sparing a glance at the fat man who had been ordering.
He understands at least…
“Excuse me! I was ordering!”
The fat bastard had brought his hands to the height of his shoulders, palm-out, somehow trying to look dangerous over the reality of his uselessness.
“No, you were trying to figure out what everything on the menu was made of, and in the process delaying a lot of very thirsty people you fat bastard.” Anna didn’t even look at him, instead simply shifting steel-blue eyes to the readout on the register. She of course knew how much the coffee was, and she was digging in the pocket of her pants for the $1.12 she had counted out before she had gotten into line, but looking at the register let her avoid looking at the worthless fat-ass complaining at her side.
Apparently silenced for the moment, the fat-man didn’t say anything as Anna dropped the money on the counter and the fellow at the till handed her her coffee. She started to turn to the left to go to her table but stopped just as she began the motion. Stepping coldly to the side she forced the fat-man to back away further from the line as she dug in her pocket for a moment. The fat-man gasped in protest again but didn’t say anything else.
Finding what she was looking for Anna pulled the pair of quarters out and dropped them into the glass “Tips” jar and winked icily at the fellow who had brought her the coffee she now held in her hand. She paused just long enough for the next person in line to step forward and order, then pivoted completely around on her heel and walked away from the fat-man.
That’s for not knowing what the hell you’re doing asshole…
The line in the coffee shop hadn’t gotten any shorter while the fat-man had been ordering and it now stretched out onto the busy New York sidewalk outside. It parted quickly for her though as she made her way to the table she had left her coat at.
When she got to her table Anna set the coffee down then dropped herself into the chair, having to spin completely around as she fell in order to land comfortably on her butt. The line had already gotten shorter and it looked like the fat man had left.
Bout time too…
Anna shifted her weight slightly against the chair and then, in one smooth movement, snatched the coffee cup off the table with her right hand and raised her opposite leg off the floor and onto the table so that the crook of her knee was resting on the corner of the table. Her foot and the bottom portion of her calves were floating in the air just off the table, frozen against the backdrop of a line of people slowly making their orders.
The clerk gave her a sideways glance from his till, but quickly had to go back to taking orders and serving customers. Fuck him, he understands…but only because it’s his job to. Anna raised the coffee cup to her lips and took a detached sip, the coffee was scalding hot, but she forced it down anyhow. Metallic eyes staring into the cold blast from the A/C vent just above her table, she waited. Better show up soon.
The first thing to register was the myriad sounds coming from just outside the coffee shop. The staggered footfalls of an army of pedestrians on the sidewalk created a cacophonous symphony that was just loud enough to drown out the specifics of the conversations they were having and leave only the mutter of their collective voices behind. The muttering voices were just loud enough to drown out most of the car-horns that blared their metallic tones, warning the careless to get out of the way or face a collision. The muted conversations of the pedestrians only seemed to emphasize the fake-warmth behind their originators. They act considerate…caring…civilized…
They’re all lying…
Over the mutter of the pedestrians outside the coffee shop were the more distinct voices of those inside. People going about their daily business who just happened to stop in the shop for a brief break from the normal routine. Either that or the shop had become one of their routines.
Anna took another sip from her coffee, which was already beginning to cool in her hands. She could never get as much satisfaction from a luke-warm coffee as she could from one that was scorching hot, they always cooled off too quickly.
“Well you look relaxed Anna.”
Anna shifted her gaze off of the A/C vent and lowered her eyes to the man in front of her. Precisely the man she had been waiting for.
“I am. Disregarding a slight incident a few moments ago at least…” Anna trailed off.
“You mean the fat man?” he said.
Anna tilted her head until she could look straight into Jonathon’s eyes. “You saw that, huh?”
Jonathon was silent for the moment, instead pulling the other chair at the table back and slowly lowering himself into it. The chair whined in protest at the bulk of human tissue that rested on it now. When he had sat down he also put a small glass down, filled with ice and some soda pop or another. “I was standing in line behind you. You went right by me after you dropped those quarters into the tip jar, didn’t you even see me?”
Anna shrugged reflexively “Had a lot on my mind Jon.”
Jonathon snorted and raised his glass to his lips. When he swallowed the muscles on his neck bulged and threatened to burst the straining collar of his shirt. “What, your next fix of coffee? Or were you perhaps reveling in giving that poor fat-ass a stern dressing down?” For Fuck’s sake man…
Anna’s eyes unconsciously returned to the A/C duct, she had just started to open her mouth to answer when she was interrupted by a light chuckle from the other side of the table. “Don’t try to deny it Anna, I can see you did.” He snorted again “Hell, if you’d thrown in a few more cuss-words in between your syllables It almost would’ve been worthy of one of my Drill Sergeants at Parris Island.”
“Almost worthy? I’ll have to do better next time.” Anna reflexively began to move her coffee cup in a slow circular motion, trying to figure out a way to escape the small-talk bullshit Jonathon had trapped her in. If there were a purpose in the conversation she could at least work towards that, it gave her something to focus on doing. As it was though she was caught in pleasantries that had no importance to her, or Jon, he was just continuing them because it was the polite thing to do. She was likewise forced to listen because it was the polite thing to do. What benefits sophistication and polite society had!
“You will if you wanna be in the Marines that’s for sure.” Jon said offhandedly.
The air around the table seemed to cool with that statement, the A/C kicking into high gear to combat the humid heat that had leaked into the shop while the doors had been open. Anna once again targeted her eyes on Jonathon instead of the air duct above her, but he didn’t seem to notice the cold, instead deciding to focus on what she was drinking.
“How can you manage to drink a hot coffee in this weather?” he said, seemingly oblivious to the cold.
The attempt at small-talk did nothing to combat the chill Anna felt, only serving to aggravate her. She hated small talk. “It warms me up, alright.”
Jonathon was silent for a moment and took another slow sip from his glass. “Alright, alright. Anyhow, it’s good to see you again. It’s been what? A year now? What’s up with Anna these days?"
To hell with this…
“Your fucking Corps, that’s what’s up Jon. Up on some god-damned high-horse preaching about their god-damned ideals and how the god-damned sinners in this country are unable to meet them. Their heads are what’s up Jon. Up their worthless fat-asses so far they can’t breath, let alone see.” Anna took a deep breath, but continued on. “At the same time though-oh somehow at the same time- their heads are up in the sky so far they can see down on this world and all the people in it and can see the problems us mere mortals have, and can pronounce us the ones with the god-damned problems. God-Damnit.” Anna set the coffee cup down on the table to emphasize her point but otherwise remained frozen in the same position she had been in. Throughout the diatribe she kept the same conversational tone she had had earlier, her voice icing over anything she felt. Whatever she may have felt iced over as well. No one in the café but Jonathon overheard her.
It was Jonathon’s turn not to respond. He hesitantly pushed his glass forward with his index finger, only to pull it away and allow the glass to drop back to its original position. The ice shifted to clank against the glass, protesting its entrapment by uselessly throwing itself against the side. Unable to do anything about its situation but what gravity made it do.
“Your …record?”
“Your record? Your record?” Anna shot back, crossing her arms and leaning back slightly in her chair until the front-feet hovered above the floor “Why don’t you call it what it fucking is, my ‘prior drug usage’.”
The A/C chose that moment to click off and her last few words were just loud enough to be heard over the other noises in the coffee shop. The other conversation died almost immediately, leaving only the impersonal muttering of passers-by and the honking of horns.
“Jesus Anna, why don’t you fuckin’ tell the world?”
It was the wrong response.
Anna dropped her leg off the table and leaned forward, the chair legs making a thunder-like clap as they contacted the floor. Unsatisfied with just the sound of the chair for attention, she threw her arms out to her sides. She was either getting funny looks from the other patrons, or they were trying to avoid noticing her in any way.
Let’s see them avoid noticing this…
“Ladies and Gentlemen, for your information I snorted crystal meth.” Once again her voice remained level. She had gotten louder so everyone could hear her, but that same cool detachment was in her voice. “And I enjoyed it.” Her voice finally changed, no longer conversational it had simply hardened. There was no malice or challenge in the phrase, only the stone-cold revealing of a fact.
“Jesus Christ Anna, pick up your damned coffee, we’re leaving.” Jonathon stood, draining what was left of the soda in his glass and waving his other hand at the door.
Anna didn’t move except to slowly grin at Jonathon, her eyes frozen on his, challenging. “What’s the matter Jon? Ashamed? Worried people will know you hang around with some ex-speed freak and word’ll get up your precious chain of command?” With every word she shifted her arms slightly until her hands were upturned “What would the Head of the Joint Chiefs think?” she asked rhetorically, her head rising slightly and her voice taking on the reverent tone of a priest speaking about his god.
Jon pushed his chair in and leaned forward against it, returning Anna’s stare. For a moment, they stayed like that, neither one willing to give ground. Jon looked away first.
“Miss, I’m sorry to ask you this but you’ll have to leave.”
Anna continued staring at Jonathon for a moment longer, but slowly shifted her gaze to the cashier. At some point he had walked over to the side of the table and now stood, smiling naively, at the two patrons. Anna breathed deeply, and finally allowed her arms to slowly drop to her sides. At the same instant her head dropped as well, and for a moment she seemed to be shaking. She was shaking as if she were cold.
And just like that, the moment passed and she threw herself to her feet.
“Yeah yeah. You do what ya’ gotta do man.” She snatched her coffee cup up and walked off, a glacier retreating from the heat of the sun. Jonathon followed close behind her, offering an apologetic wave to the cashier and, by extension, the rest of the coffee shop.
Outside the coffee shop the noise was much greater than it had been inside. The shop, as poorly sound-proofed as it was, at least gave them the feeling of being apart from the noise. Now, they were adrift in a sea of bodies, following the crowd more than any specific plan or destination they held.
Anna was quiet as she walked, seemingly without aim. She stopped at one cross-walk just to ignore it and cross one that had opened up. The direction of the other people seemed to be directing her more than she was, and Jonathon followed along right behind her, waiting for her to speak.
Abruptly she shifted her direction mid-stride and went into an alleyway, in the process walking through a crowd of people that were going the opposite direction, which they were none too shameful about making vehemently known.
Anna and Jonathon ignored them. Anna instead responded by draining all that was left of her coffee in a series of swallows and flipping the cup into a nearby dumpster, which was overflowing with garbage already. Somehow the cup managed to land in a small recess between trash bags and didn’t come tumbling out. “Just like life.” Anna muttered to herself, crossing her arms once more. She began to lean back onto the building behind her but thought better of it, instead simply standing there as Jonathon rested his back on the building on his side of the alley.
“You have fun back there Anna?”
She didn’t respond, instead staring out towards the street and the people moving on the sidewalk. Staring past them all her eyes seemed focused on the sunlight hitting the pavement, then slowly tracked their way closer and closer to her feet until she was focused on the shadow of the building behind her. Shifting her weight, she tugged at her collar with the hand that was closest, and then went back to staring. “Jon…listen, I didn’t call you here just to bad-mouth you or your Corps…” The statement seemed to make her very uncomfortable.
“That an apology?”
Anna’s eyes snapped to Jon as if he had just insulted her. “I didn’t say I was sorry you leather-necked son of a bitch.” She laughed lightly and the ghost of a smirk even danced on her lips, “I said I didn’t just meet you to do it. If I apologized for saying what I did, it would suggest I didn’t mean it.” She finally smiled, a full-on no holds barred smile, it lost its pizzas as she continued though. “But, I know how anal-compulsive about your Corps you bastards are…” The smile flickered, and the brief flame it had displayed withered away and died, leaving only a cold shadow of itself behind.
Jonathon Winters resisted the urge to smile. Instead, he put a healthy dose of sympathy into his voice. “Anna, you didn’t want to join the Corps anyways.”
Anna stared at him. Then, with a speed that surprised even him she crossed the slight distance between them and slapped him. Not a playful slap, but no-holds barred SLAP that jerked his head to the side and left his cheek crying out in pain. “Why the hell would you think that?” the words were hardly understandable, spoken through clenched teeth as they were. But Jon got the message. “I spent the last two years pining after the recruiter trying to get the paperwork for early enlistment. That has been my life Jon. Then, after they accept me and I’m finally going through boot-camp…My drug use magically comes out of sealed goddamn files!” Jon shifted slightly, hearing the dark subtext of Anna’s words and the accusation they contained, but he stopped himself. She was just desperate right now; she wanted to blame someone else.
And rightly so. His conscience told him. Jon quashed it; after all, this was for her own good.
Anna continued, oblivious to Jon’s inner turmoil. “It was probably my father.” Once again her anger had dissipated and she had returned to being the innocent young girl Jon had always seen her as, and that young innocent girl needed some protection. After all, she had been through enough already. Jon carefully spoke again, “Anna, you didn’t need to do all that.”
Again, the comment did more harm than good. “What the hell was I supposed to do Jon? Run back to daddy and beg him to take me back and promise to be a good little girl? Would that have been better?” She paused and kicked a soda can someone had carelessly thrown into the alley, and her voice grew quiet again. “Or should I have given up and gone to flip burgers until I relapsed and went and bought-” She stopped, seeming to realize what she was about to say and unable to finish the words.
“Bye Jon, it was good seeing you again.” She said over her shoulder as she turned and started to walk out of the alley. The move was abrupt and caught Jon so off-guard it took him a moment to respond.
“Anna.”
She turned.
“Semper fi.” Jon offered his hand and an insincere smile. As angry or hurt as she might be, this was for the best. The best for her, for him, for her father, for the Corps, for everyone. This was for the best. Anna looked at his hand for a moment as if it were an outstretched snake. Then the same grin came over her face she had had moments before. Wide and warm, it was a smile that was on her face far too little.
“Do or die, right Jon?” She turned back around and walked out of the alley.
Jon didn’t know how to respond. He’d worked out every detail of her dismissal, ensured the proper authorities asked the proper questions and got the proper paperwork. Checked every stage of the investigation as it went through. Hell, he’d even convinced her recruiter to testify about her “forged” criminal record.
“Anna!” Jon called out, beginning to follow her. But he stopped after he had said it. She had already disappeared into the New York City crowds. The alleyway seemed like such a rotten place to be at that moment.
Damnit he had been looking out for her, he had been protecting her! He had been making sure she was safe!
He had been betraying her.
Characters - 19/25
Very little context on the characters; should put more history or give more details into what happened in the past. Great details into one character, but lacks on the other character, which is important on this specific story since the other character is a main character. Good description of movements.
I think Anna is great character, but because of the lack of character developments, I will have to give you a low score.
Plot - 9/25
There was a lack of introduction in this story. Context is required if you want your readers to know just what's going on. Because of this, it gets a wee bit confusing if you don't have context. It seems more suited to a larger novel than a short story. There's a cliffhanger at the end as well. Boring climax, if any, and the whole thing looks like flat-line of exposition. Good dialogues however.
Some problems I noticed is, what's up with her father? Just what went down during her recruitment? What were her motivations for being in the corps? The story, I feel, did not go through enough details to satisfy me.
Setting - 13/15
Good local color, great details given to every nook and cranny of the coffee shop.
Creativity - 5/15
Severe lack of plot development hinders the creative potential of this story. Points for the details you put in it though.
Style - 10/15
Personally, I don't like how there's too much details into every little thing because this is a short story. It doesn't move the plot at all. Were this a part of a bigger work, it would suit it well.
Grammar/spelling - 4/5
Some awkward choice of words.
Overall - 60/100
Looks more like a part of a bigger work, as I've said before. It is not a good short story on its own.
