Deadline at May 15th
Judging deadline at May 23rd
5000 word limit
No fanfic, public domain characters are fine
Stay within the site's rules
Ia Ia Cthulhu Fhtagn.
Must be a new/original story (So we don't run into the problem we did last time)
Judges are:
CM (Yours truly)
Nationstatelandsville
Greater Tezdrian
and
Norstal (Pinch-hitting for GT)
If you win, you get bragging rights, which is really the best prize of all. The story with the highest average/total score wins, of course, and I'll list 1st/2nd/3rd place at the end of the contest here on the OP.
Winners have been chosen!
First place: Jenrak! Congratulations! (94/100)
Second place: Astrolinium! (73/100)
Third place: Occupied Deutschland! (71/100)
The last one was here, if you'd like to glance through it.
Scoring rubric is as follows:
- Code: Select all
[b]Characters[/b] - /25
[b]Plot[/b] - /25
[b]Setting[/b] - /15
[b]Creativity[/b] - /15
[b]Style[/b] - /15
[b]Grammar/spelling[/b] - /5
[b]Overall[/b] - /100
Alright, I think that's it.
Entries:
Safed's Entry
Characters - 15/25 Mance was somewhat established. I get that it's difficult to do much in a very short story, but no one else even showed a gleam of personality, save perhaps Daniels.
Plot - 10/25 I barely detected one, but it was coherent at least.
Setting - 11/15 Sort of vague, but I knew where they were, and you gave more backstory than I would have expected.
Creativity - 3/15 Incredibly overdone. I detected about one original concept.
Style - 12/15 Felt stale and wordy, but has potential.
Grammar/spelling - 2/5 Perfect spelling, but the lack of commas and overuse of run-on sentences was extremely detrimental.
Overall - 53/100 I didn't like it, but you could go back and fix some things to make it better. Felt like part of a whole.
Plot - 10/25 I barely detected one, but it was coherent at least.
Setting - 11/15 Sort of vague, but I knew where they were, and you gave more backstory than I would have expected.
Creativity - 3/15 Incredibly overdone. I detected about one original concept.
Style - 12/15 Felt stale and wordy, but has potential.
Grammar/spelling - 2/5 Perfect spelling, but the lack of commas and overuse of run-on sentences was extremely detrimental.
Overall - 53/100 I didn't like it, but you could go back and fix some things to make it better. Felt like part of a whole.
Characters - 8/25
Other than the issue of there only being one seriously developed character, Mance, he himself wasn't particularly well characterized. He lacks a serious personality and comes off more as a viewpoint than a viewpoint character.
Plot - 12/25
Typical WW1 IN SPACE story. In fact, this might have done better as a proper WW1 story. As is, it comes off as rather odd in spots (See setting criticism)
Setting - 6/15
Neither the secessionists nor the alliance were particularly well fleshed-out, plasma is generally visible (Lasers, oddly enough, would have worked as inivisible), the "Emperor of Man" idea is overused, developments in artillery and in infantry weapons have made mass infantry assaults absolutely useless since WW2 (Arguably since WW1, but then there was at least a chance of victory if you were willing to take heavy casualties), straight razors would likely replace disposable razors in such a situation, etc etc.
Your attention to detail of life in the trenches has potential, though. It could have done with a little more in the way of style and imagery (See style criticism), but you have a certain eye for detail.
Creativity - 3/15
Again, it really reads like a WW1 story recycled in the far future. And I do mean recycled, I don't mean adapted.
Style - 6/15
The writing style is very... Stale. I'm not sure how else to describe it. It reads like one of those school textbooks with the very factual, tedious style used in lieu of a unique 'voice'. Dialogue is also underutilized and very awkward where it is used.
This whole little speech, for example, is incredibly awkward. "Dear all" I'll let slide, since that might be a regional difference in address, but "We will soon launch a glorious attack onare our enemy, tomorrow at daylight we will strike, our artillery and orbital strikes leaving them defenceless." would be better written as "Soon, we will launch a glorious attack on our enemy. We will strike tomorrow at daylight, our artillery and orbital strikes leaving them defenceless.", although that doesn't fix all the problems with the sentence. Written as the former,"tomorrow at daylight we will strike" is very unusual word order (Although I don't think it's technically incorrect). At the least it's very stilted prose. The sentence as a whole would have worked much better split up, although it would still sound stunted and awkward, it would sound significantly less so as two sentences rather than one.
I'm not familiar with the phrase "It should be a walkover", and I'm not sure if it's a regional thing or a combination of "Cakewalk" and "Pushover", so I'll refrain from commenting on that. "I look forward to meeting you all behind their walls." again, sounds very stilted. I think your primary problem is that both your narrative and your dialogue lacks a significant voice, as I said before. Find a voice to write in, and I think at least some of these problems will be solved.
Grammar/spelling - 4/5
Severe underuse of commas. I didn't see anything misspelled, however. There was an are/our mistake though, as seen in the style rating.
Overall - 39/100
Other than the issue of there only being one seriously developed character, Mance, he himself wasn't particularly well characterized. He lacks a serious personality and comes off more as a viewpoint than a viewpoint character.
Plot - 12/25
Typical WW1 IN SPACE story. In fact, this might have done better as a proper WW1 story. As is, it comes off as rather odd in spots (See setting criticism)
Setting - 6/15
Neither the secessionists nor the alliance were particularly well fleshed-out, plasma is generally visible (Lasers, oddly enough, would have worked as inivisible), the "Emperor of Man" idea is overused, developments in artillery and in infantry weapons have made mass infantry assaults absolutely useless since WW2 (Arguably since WW1, but then there was at least a chance of victory if you were willing to take heavy casualties), straight razors would likely replace disposable razors in such a situation, etc etc.
Your attention to detail of life in the trenches has potential, though. It could have done with a little more in the way of style and imagery (See style criticism), but you have a certain eye for detail.
Creativity - 3/15
Again, it really reads like a WW1 story recycled in the far future. And I do mean recycled, I don't mean adapted.
Style - 6/15
The writing style is very... Stale. I'm not sure how else to describe it. It reads like one of those school textbooks with the very factual, tedious style used in lieu of a unique 'voice'. Dialogue is also underutilized and very awkward where it is used.
“Dear all”, he began, “We will soon launch a glorious attack on are enemy, tomorrow at daylight we will strike, our artillery and orbital strikes leaving them defenceless. It should be a walkover. I look forward to meeting you all behind their walls.”
This whole little speech, for example, is incredibly awkward. "Dear all" I'll let slide, since that might be a regional difference in address, but "We will soon launch a glorious attack on
I'm not familiar with the phrase "It should be a walkover", and I'm not sure if it's a regional thing or a combination of "Cakewalk" and "Pushover", so I'll refrain from commenting on that. "I look forward to meeting you all behind their walls." again, sounds very stilted. I think your primary problem is that both your narrative and your dialogue lacks a significant voice, as I said before. Find a voice to write in, and I think at least some of these problems will be solved.
Grammar/spelling - 4/5
Severe underuse of commas. I didn't see anything misspelled, however. There was an are/our mistake though, as seen in the style rating.
Overall - 39/100
Concerning Safed's Submission:
Characters - 13/25
Very, very little has been revealed to us about Cpl. Davids beyond that he is a cookie-cutter soldier virtually indistinguishable from every other gruff, vaguely disillusioned soldier-type. There is little about the Corporal to make me care about him as he's basically just a machine. The addition of the young recruit was stereotypical and expected, although I'm sure you didn't mean for him to be of any great importance. It's quite a pity your main character wasn't of much greater import. The one I do find somewhat interesting however, is Private Daniels. I always appreciate a man with good facial hair, and the little unexpected twist of his hysteria as opposed to Private Phelps'. Pvt. Toseland was entirely unimportant and flat, yet managed to come across as a bit of an ass. In summary the characters are generally uninspired and stereotypical, yet not so vapid as to lack a bit of personality.
Plot - 5/25
What saves you here is that there is a plot. Absolutely nothing about it has any originality and has been done to death a thousand times. Sisyphus is no match for the unceasing labors of this plot, having been put to toil by every writer since Enheduanna. No thought has been shown whatsoever as to nuance or creativity.
Setting - 3/15
I loathe the "Unending war in space" setting. The Emperor of Man is ripped straight from the codicil of WH40k and the Alliance/Separatist angle ripped from Star Wars. If you had given us some background, told us even a smattering of the circumstances leading up to 'the War' then it may have been forgivable. That didn't happen though, so it isn't. CM well covers technical criticism, so look there for the mechanical problems with this.
Creativity - 1/15
Your characters are really the only tiny saving grace you have here.
Style - 5/15
Again, see CM's criticism for an accurate assessment that matches my own feelings.
Grammar/spelling - 4/5
Some run-ons but generally not too shabby.
Overall - 31/100
---
Characters - 13/25
Very, very little has been revealed to us about Cpl. Davids beyond that he is a cookie-cutter soldier virtually indistinguishable from every other gruff, vaguely disillusioned soldier-type. There is little about the Corporal to make me care about him as he's basically just a machine. The addition of the young recruit was stereotypical and expected, although I'm sure you didn't mean for him to be of any great importance. It's quite a pity your main character wasn't of much greater import. The one I do find somewhat interesting however, is Private Daniels. I always appreciate a man with good facial hair, and the little unexpected twist of his hysteria as opposed to Private Phelps'. Pvt. Toseland was entirely unimportant and flat, yet managed to come across as a bit of an ass. In summary the characters are generally uninspired and stereotypical, yet not so vapid as to lack a bit of personality.
Plot - 5/25
What saves you here is that there is a plot. Absolutely nothing about it has any originality and has been done to death a thousand times. Sisyphus is no match for the unceasing labors of this plot, having been put to toil by every writer since Enheduanna. No thought has been shown whatsoever as to nuance or creativity.
Setting - 3/15
I loathe the "Unending war in space" setting. The Emperor of Man is ripped straight from the codicil of WH40k and the Alliance/Separatist angle ripped from Star Wars. If you had given us some background, told us even a smattering of the circumstances leading up to 'the War' then it may have been forgivable. That didn't happen though, so it isn't. CM well covers technical criticism, so look there for the mechanical problems with this.
Creativity - 1/15
Your characters are really the only tiny saving grace you have here.
Style - 5/15
Again, see CM's criticism for an accurate assessment that matches my own feelings.
Grammar/spelling - 4/5
Some run-ons but generally not too shabby.
Overall - 31/100
---
Final Judgement:
123/300
41/100
Occupied Deutschland's Entry
Judgement for Occupied Deutschland's story.
Characters - 23/25 Bravo, good sir. The only complaint I have is that their physical descriptions were not very extensive, or existent.
Plot - 23/25 Not particularly engrossing, but good for a light read.
Setting - 13/15 Once more, somewhat vague, but I knew where they were.
Creativity - 15/15 The only story like this that I've read before.
Style - 10/15 Repetitive, but functional.
Grammar/spelling - 5/5 I didn't notice anything.
Overall - 89/100
Plot - 23/25 Not particularly engrossing, but good for a light read.
Setting - 13/15 Once more, somewhat vague, but I knew where they were.
Creativity - 15/15 The only story like this that I've read before.
Style - 10/15 Repetitive, but functional.
Grammar/spelling - 5/5 I didn't notice anything.
Overall - 89/100
Characters - 15/25
I found Anna to be unlikable, but that's not always the mark of bad writing. I found her aggressive and easily pricked nature to move the conversation along nicely, but at the same time, felt that the 'hard exterior, soft interior' is far too often used, at least effectively, but short stories are crippled both by length itself and by the story arcs that such short lengths impose on a writer.
Jon, on the other hand, felt significantly more... Flat, as a character. Not flat, perhaps, generic might be more appropriate, but again, there isn't much room to develop a character in a short story. He seemed always so passive and reactive, and while I get that the intention is to put him as the calm one of the two, he also didn't come off as having a lot of depth.
Plot - 18/25
An interesting idea. A girl who wants to join up in the service has her history of drug abuse come out, gets kicked out of boot camp, and is bitter and angry about it. I'm a little confused about the end, but I think that might be me be thick at the moment. Did he get her dismissed, interpreting "He’d worked out every detail of her dismissal, ensured the proper authorities asked the proper questions and got the proper paperwork. Checked every stage of the investigation as it went through. Hell, he’d even convinced her recruiter to testify about her “forged” criminal record." as he had worked out her dismissal personally in an effort to keep her safe, or as he had worked to fight it and have it reversed personally?
Setting - 10/15
New York New York, what a wonderful town!
The Bronx is up and the battery's down!
I knew where it took place (New York, first a coffee shop, then an alleyway), and it was adequately described for the most part.
Creativity - 10/15
As I said, it's an interesting idea.
Style - 8/15
Now, here I found some problems. You seem to overly concerned with details, and I don't mean simply with details, I mean with excessive detail.
"Anna blew some air up from her lower lip, sending a stray lock of coal-black hair swinging out of the way of her eye to a new position on her cheekbone."
" She started to turn to the left to go to her table but stopped just as she began the motion. (And insert what she did here, ', stepping coldly to the side etc etc')"
In those sentences, for example, you could easily cut out the bolded and have essentially the same imagery with less distraction from unnecessary details.
"The fat bastard had brought his hands to the height of his shoulders, palm-out, somehow trying to look dangerous over the reality of his uselessness."
Here, 'reality of his uselessness' seems to clash with him trying to appear dangerous, insofar as uselessness is not normally considered the opposite of dangerousness. Don't get me wrong, I know what you were trying to get across, as would almost any reader, but since he's trying to make himself look dangerous, it should be despite something that connotates harmlessness or a lack of menacing quality. Feebleness, harmlessness, powerlessness, if you want to keep the sentence structure the same.
"The first thing to register was the myriad sounds coming from just outside the coffee shop. The staggered footfalls of an army of pedestrians on the sidewalk created a cacophonous symphony that was just loud enough to drown out the specifics of the conversations they were having and leave only the mutter of their collective voices behind. The muttering voices were just loud enough to drown out most of the car-horns that blared their metallic tones, warning the careless to get out of the way or face a collision. The muted conversations of the pedestrians only seemed to emphasize the fake-warmth behind their originators. They act considerate…caring…civilized…"
This, on the other hand, is quite excellent. It evokes the sound we all (Or most of us) know so well, the chatter of a crowd in motion, of traffic in a city, of the general cacophony that our mind filters as little more than white noise while also giving more insight to the main character. It evokes a vivid image effectively without being out of place or superfluous.
Some of the dialog feels a little stilted as well. Little things, I think, make it seem much more robotic than it should; underuse of commas and other grammar symbols (“It warms me up, alright.” would have benefited from a question mark, as it came off as a rhetorical question), 'man' instead of 'guy', constant use of names in an informal setting, like I said, little things. The characters also seem to slip into slang-esque speech without warning ("Yeah yeah. You do what ya’ gotta do man." contrasts strongly with the speech patterns associated with Anna for the rest of the story)
Grammar/spelling - 3/5
I'm not sure if "Jonathon" is a mistake or not, but commas could use a little more love, it's "pizzazz", not "Pizzas", and I'm a little confused about your use of ellipses, sometimes spaced after the last word, uncapitalized words afterwords where it's not an omitted portion of text, but that might be a regional thing or I might be wrong there. Grammar was never my strong point.
Overall - 64/100
I found Anna to be unlikable, but that's not always the mark of bad writing. I found her aggressive and easily pricked nature to move the conversation along nicely, but at the same time, felt that the 'hard exterior, soft interior' is far too often used, at least effectively, but short stories are crippled both by length itself and by the story arcs that such short lengths impose on a writer.
Jon, on the other hand, felt significantly more... Flat, as a character. Not flat, perhaps, generic might be more appropriate, but again, there isn't much room to develop a character in a short story. He seemed always so passive and reactive, and while I get that the intention is to put him as the calm one of the two, he also didn't come off as having a lot of depth.
Plot - 18/25
An interesting idea. A girl who wants to join up in the service has her history of drug abuse come out, gets kicked out of boot camp, and is bitter and angry about it. I'm a little confused about the end, but I think that might be me be thick at the moment. Did he get her dismissed, interpreting "He’d worked out every detail of her dismissal, ensured the proper authorities asked the proper questions and got the proper paperwork. Checked every stage of the investigation as it went through. Hell, he’d even convinced her recruiter to testify about her “forged” criminal record." as he had worked out her dismissal personally in an effort to keep her safe, or as he had worked to fight it and have it reversed personally?
Setting - 10/15
New York New York, what a wonderful town!
The Bronx is up and the battery's down!
I knew where it took place (New York, first a coffee shop, then an alleyway), and it was adequately described for the most part.
Creativity - 10/15
As I said, it's an interesting idea.
Style - 8/15
Now, here I found some problems. You seem to overly concerned with details, and I don't mean simply with details, I mean with excessive detail.
"Anna blew some air up from her lower lip, sending a stray lock of coal-black hair swinging out of the way of her eye to a new position on her cheekbone."
" She started to turn to the left to go to her table but stopped just as she began the motion. (And insert what she did here, ', stepping coldly to the side etc etc')"
In those sentences, for example, you could easily cut out the bolded and have essentially the same imagery with less distraction from unnecessary details.
"The fat bastard had brought his hands to the height of his shoulders, palm-out, somehow trying to look dangerous over the reality of his uselessness."
Here, 'reality of his uselessness' seems to clash with him trying to appear dangerous, insofar as uselessness is not normally considered the opposite of dangerousness. Don't get me wrong, I know what you were trying to get across, as would almost any reader, but since he's trying to make himself look dangerous, it should be despite something that connotates harmlessness or a lack of menacing quality. Feebleness, harmlessness, powerlessness, if you want to keep the sentence structure the same.
"The first thing to register was the myriad sounds coming from just outside the coffee shop. The staggered footfalls of an army of pedestrians on the sidewalk created a cacophonous symphony that was just loud enough to drown out the specifics of the conversations they were having and leave only the mutter of their collective voices behind. The muttering voices were just loud enough to drown out most of the car-horns that blared their metallic tones, warning the careless to get out of the way or face a collision. The muted conversations of the pedestrians only seemed to emphasize the fake-warmth behind their originators. They act considerate…caring…civilized…"
This, on the other hand, is quite excellent. It evokes the sound we all (Or most of us) know so well, the chatter of a crowd in motion, of traffic in a city, of the general cacophony that our mind filters as little more than white noise while also giving more insight to the main character. It evokes a vivid image effectively without being out of place or superfluous.
Some of the dialog feels a little stilted as well. Little things, I think, make it seem much more robotic than it should; underuse of commas and other grammar symbols (“It warms me up, alright.” would have benefited from a question mark, as it came off as a rhetorical question), 'man' instead of 'guy', constant use of names in an informal setting, like I said, little things. The characters also seem to slip into slang-esque speech without warning ("Yeah yeah. You do what ya’ gotta do man." contrasts strongly with the speech patterns associated with Anna for the rest of the story)
Grammar/spelling - 3/5
I'm not sure if "Jonathon" is a mistake or not, but commas could use a little more love, it's "pizzazz", not "Pizzas", and I'm a little confused about your use of ellipses, sometimes spaced after the last word, uncapitalized words afterwords where it's not an omitted portion of text, but that might be a regional thing or I might be wrong there. Grammar was never my strong point.
Overall - 64/100
Characters - 19/25
Very little context on the characters; should put more history or give more details into what happened in the past. Great details into one character, but lacks on the other character, which is important on this specific story since the other character is a main character. Good description of movements.
I think Anna is great character, but because of the lack of character developments, I will have to give you a low score.
Plot - 9/25
There was a lack of introduction in this story. Context is required if you want your readers to know just what's going on. Because of this, it gets a wee bit confusing if you don't have context. It seems more suited to a larger novel than a short story. There's a cliffhanger at the end as well. Boring climax, if any, and the whole thing looks like flat-line of exposition. Good dialogues however.
Some problems I noticed is, what's up with her father? Just what went down during her recruitment? What were her motivations for being in the corps? The story, I feel, did not go through enough details to satisfy me.
Setting - 13/15
Good local color, great details given to every nook and cranny of the coffee shop.
Creativity - 5/15
Severe lack of plot development hinders the creative potential of this story. Points for the details you put in it though.
Style - 10/15
Personally, I don't like how there's too much details into every little thing because this is a short story. It doesn't move the plot at all. Were this a part of a bigger work, it would suit it well.
Grammar/spelling - 4/5
Some awkward choice of words.
Overall - 60/100
Looks more like a part of a bigger work, as I've said before. It is not a good short story on its own.
Very little context on the characters; should put more history or give more details into what happened in the past. Great details into one character, but lacks on the other character, which is important on this specific story since the other character is a main character. Good description of movements.
I think Anna is great character, but because of the lack of character developments, I will have to give you a low score.
Plot - 9/25
There was a lack of introduction in this story. Context is required if you want your readers to know just what's going on. Because of this, it gets a wee bit confusing if you don't have context. It seems more suited to a larger novel than a short story. There's a cliffhanger at the end as well. Boring climax, if any, and the whole thing looks like flat-line of exposition. Good dialogues however.
Some problems I noticed is, what's up with her father? Just what went down during her recruitment? What were her motivations for being in the corps? The story, I feel, did not go through enough details to satisfy me.
Setting - 13/15
Good local color, great details given to every nook and cranny of the coffee shop.
Creativity - 5/15
Severe lack of plot development hinders the creative potential of this story. Points for the details you put in it though.
Style - 10/15
Personally, I don't like how there's too much details into every little thing because this is a short story. It doesn't move the plot at all. Were this a part of a bigger work, it would suit it well.
Grammar/spelling - 4/5
Some awkward choice of words.
Overall - 60/100
Looks more like a part of a bigger work, as I've said before. It is not a good short story on its own.
Final Judgement:
213/300
71/100
Jenrak's Entry
My God.
Characters - 22/25 Though only shreds of Eleanor and young Daniel's personalities, current Daniel is so very mournful and Lawrence's subtle development works silently.
Plot - 25/25 Rather brilliant. I thought it would be shreds of a man's life, barely connected, but then you tied it all together, and I realize now that this is the only way it could have worked.
Setting - 13/15 You could have given a bit given a bit more, but it's good.
Creativity - 15/15 Fantastic.
Style -15 /15 Damn it, Jenrak, I want something to complain about.
Grammar/spelling - 5/5 I saw nothing.
Overall - 95/100
Characters - 22/25 Though only shreds of Eleanor and young Daniel's personalities, current Daniel is so very mournful and Lawrence's subtle development works silently.
Plot - 25/25 Rather brilliant. I thought it would be shreds of a man's life, barely connected, but then you tied it all together, and I realize now that this is the only way it could have worked.
Setting - 13/15 You could have given a bit given a bit more, but it's good.
Creativity - 15/15 Fantastic.
Style -15 /15 Damn it, Jenrak, I want something to complain about.
Grammar/spelling - 5/5 I saw nothing.
Overall - 95/100
Characters - 23/25
The quenching of Lawrence's nationalist fire was well-done considering both the length of the story and the fact that it wasn't focused on him in particular. Daniel is a realistic character, young and impulsive, with a certain sense of justice, but also that very human ability to ignore evil against those whom we are poorly inclined towards.
Plot - 24/25
I loved it. The romance could have used a little more time to give the overall plot a fuller 'punch', so to speak, but it didn't seriously detract from the story.
However, I find the idea of Daniel admitting to TWO murders in an open letter to a PUBLISHER to be... Er... Questionable.
Setting - 13/15
Riverbrook was pleasantly described, and it's slow death was well-written. The country as whole, however, remains spotty. I inferred that it was something of a third or second-world style country, complete with genocidal leader, but the exact nature of the country (Nicholas Lamorte was elected, and wielded considerable power, but Daniel later becomes a lord? Unlikely to be parliamentary democracy considering the weakened state of the executive branch in such systems, and there isn't a monarch mentioned at all, so the presence of aristocracy is odd) eludes me.
Looking at nationalist mottos, "For the Country" is rather bland and unconvincing. Nationalist mottos tend to either appeal to national or ideological qualities ("Unity gives strength", "Liberty or Death", "Believe, obey, fight") or to the Civil Religion of the country. Rarely is the country itself evoked without personifying qualities (Motherland, Fatherland, homeland, etc)
Creativity - 12/15
Lemorte was a bit of a heavy handed name, and I'm not a fan of 'The Capitol'. Overall though, quite the idea and the worldbuilding of the hamlet was well done.
Style - 13/15
Overall, excellent. However, in spots the character seems altogether too reserved in his description of past events, even considering the fact that all of this happened some time ago, and your dialogue comes off as more formal than it should in spots.
The bolded came off as a bit awkward, and the italics too formal.
Grammar/spelling - 4/5
I saw only a few minor mistakes.
Overall - 90/100
The quenching of Lawrence's nationalist fire was well-done considering both the length of the story and the fact that it wasn't focused on him in particular. Daniel is a realistic character, young and impulsive, with a certain sense of justice, but also that very human ability to ignore evil against those whom we are poorly inclined towards.
Plot - 24/25
I loved it. The romance could have used a little more time to give the overall plot a fuller 'punch', so to speak, but it didn't seriously detract from the story.
However, I find the idea of Daniel admitting to TWO murders in an open letter to a PUBLISHER to be... Er... Questionable.
Setting - 13/15
Riverbrook was pleasantly described, and it's slow death was well-written. The country as whole, however, remains spotty. I inferred that it was something of a third or second-world style country, complete with genocidal leader, but the exact nature of the country (Nicholas Lamorte was elected, and wielded considerable power, but Daniel later becomes a lord? Unlikely to be parliamentary democracy considering the weakened state of the executive branch in such systems, and there isn't a monarch mentioned at all, so the presence of aristocracy is odd) eludes me.
Looking at nationalist mottos, "For the Country" is rather bland and unconvincing. Nationalist mottos tend to either appeal to national or ideological qualities ("Unity gives strength", "Liberty or Death", "Believe, obey, fight") or to the Civil Religion of the country. Rarely is the country itself evoked without personifying qualities (Motherland, Fatherland, homeland, etc)
Creativity - 12/15
Lemorte was a bit of a heavy handed name, and I'm not a fan of 'The Capitol'. Overall though, quite the idea and the worldbuilding of the hamlet was well done.
Style - 13/15
Overall, excellent. However, in spots the character seems altogether too reserved in his description of past events, even considering the fact that all of this happened some time ago, and your dialogue comes off as more formal than it should in spots.
“You shouldn’t worry about that.” He would flash a bright grin, his hair slicked back with that old toboggan scar still not faded on his cheek. “Rather, I’m more angry you Daniel for not telling me you fell in love. Congratulations to you!” He said, before telling me he needed to talk to me.
The bolded came off as a bit awkward, and the italics too formal.
Grammar/spelling - 4/5
I saw only a few minor mistakes.
Overall - 90/100
Characters - 25/25
...
I wish I can make good characters like you.
Plot - 24/25
Wonderfully, fantastic plot. Kept me in suspense. Great context, great everything really. I just have a bit of trouble tying the first part into the other parts of the stories, but that's no biggie.
Setting - 15/15
Good work putting the details onto everything.
Creativity - 15/15
I thought Lawrence Talbot was a reference to Larry Talbot.
Other than that, very creative.
Style - 15/15
No problems here.
Grammar/spelling - 2/5
There were severe grammatical errors that break the flow of the story, but other than that it was good.
Overall - 96/100
...
I wish I can make good characters like you.
Plot - 24/25
Wonderfully, fantastic plot. Kept me in suspense. Great context, great everything really. I just have a bit of trouble tying the first part into the other parts of the stories, but that's no biggie.
Setting - 15/15
Good work putting the details onto everything.
Creativity - 15/15
I thought Lawrence Talbot was a reference to Larry Talbot.
Other than that, very creative.
Style - 15/15
No problems here.
Grammar/spelling - 2/5
There were severe grammatical errors that break the flow of the story, but other than that it was good.
Overall - 96/100
Final Judgement:
281/300
94/100
Forsher's Entry
Ow. Ow. Goddamn it, ow. My brain is trying to kill itself.
Characters - 5/25 Well, the story had names, but not characters.
Plot - 1/25 I'm not sure if you think I'm five or not.
Setting - 5/15 Yes. It's a school. But what does it look like?
Creativity - 5/15 You created something original. Not something good, but something original.
Style - 5/15 Barely functional.
Grammar/spelling - 4/5 Only a few noticeable mistakes.
Overall - 25/100
Characters - 5/25 Well, the story had names, but not characters.
Plot - 1/25 I'm not sure if you think I'm five or not.
Setting - 5/15 Yes. It's a school. But what does it look like?
Creativity - 5/15 You created something original. Not something good, but something original.
Style - 5/15 Barely functional.
Grammar/spelling - 4/5 Only a few noticeable mistakes.
Overall - 25/100
Characters - 3/25
I could detect little to no characterization for the people in this story.
Plot - 3/25
A girl wears jumpers that cause whatever is written on them to happen. "Warning: Explosive Chemicals" doesn't rhyme, despite the company that makes them being explicitly said to make rhymes on the clothing. "I just flew in from Texas, boy are my arms tired'" doesn't rhyme either. A lack of consistency, reason for the story to exist, and overarching plot all hamper the writing. It's just an idea used to string together a couple of unrelated scenes in which very little of interest happens.
Setting - 3/15
Er? Some high school in the modern world?
Creativity - 3/15
The basic idea feels stale and cliched.
Style - 2/15
You spend a good sixth of the story just blandly describing the main character's clothing. I'm not even sure how to criticize the writing.
Grammar/spelling - 3/5
Severe underuse of commas and punctuation.
Overall - 18/100
I could detect little to no characterization for the people in this story.
Plot - 3/25
A girl wears jumpers that cause whatever is written on them to happen. "Warning: Explosive Chemicals" doesn't rhyme, despite the company that makes them being explicitly said to make rhymes on the clothing. "I just flew in from Texas, boy are my arms tired'" doesn't rhyme either. A lack of consistency, reason for the story to exist, and overarching plot all hamper the writing. It's just an idea used to string together a couple of unrelated scenes in which very little of interest happens.
Setting - 3/15
Er? Some high school in the modern world?
Creativity - 3/15
The basic idea feels stale and cliched.
Style - 2/15
You spend a good sixth of the story just blandly describing the main character's clothing. I'm not even sure how to criticize the writing.
Grammar/spelling - 3/5
Severe underuse of commas and punctuation.
Overall - 18/100
Characters - 1/25
Those were some of the most detestable characters I've ever seen.
Plot - 1/25
I don't know what the hell is going on. It does not follow any flow whatsoever. I see nothing but a jumbled mess.
Setting - 5/15
Well, at least you had one?
Creativity - 1/15
My creativity sensors just went apeshit on this one.
Style - 5/15
I don't understand.
Grammar/spelling - 4/5
Blerg.
Overall - 17/100
Well, that made me want to commit seppuku.
Those were some of the most detestable characters I've ever seen.
Plot - 1/25
I don't know what the hell is going on. It does not follow any flow whatsoever. I see nothing but a jumbled mess.
Setting - 5/15
Well, at least you had one?
Creativity - 1/15
My creativity sensors just went apeshit on this one.
Style - 5/15
I don't understand.
Grammar/spelling - 4/5
Blerg.
Overall - 17/100
Well, that made me want to commit seppuku.
Final Judgement:
50/300
16/100
Amland's Entry
Characters - 1/25 Hey, look. More names.
Plot - 1/25 Now, I know you think I'm a five year old.
Setting - 3/15 A bed? Where? Space? It's a space bed, isn't it?
Creativity - 0/15 You created distaste, but I doubt that was your intention.
Style - 5/15 Nothing is described with moderate skill. Sadly, it remains nothing.
Grammar/spelling - 5/5 I saw nothing.
Overall - 15/100 I want desperately to believe you're some kind of post-modern satirist genius, but I sincerely doubt it.
Plot - 1/25 Now, I know you think I'm a five year old.
Setting - 3/15 A bed? Where? Space? It's a space bed, isn't it?
Creativity - 0/15 You created distaste, but I doubt that was your intention.
Style - 5/15 Nothing is described with moderate skill. Sadly, it remains nothing.
Grammar/spelling - 5/5 I saw nothing.
Overall - 15/100 I want desperately to believe you're some kind of post-modern satirist genius, but I sincerely doubt it.
Characters - 3/25
Not a lot of characterization.
Plot - 3/25
Some mother reading a bedtime story to a little girl.
Setting - 3/15
A little girl tucked into bed.
Creativity - 7/15
Heh. The whole thing was a set-up for a joke, but it was a good joke, so I'll give you a few points for that.
Style - 3/15
Suffers from talking head syndrome, but it's really just a setup for a joke.
Grammar/spelling - 5/5
Seems to be fine.
Overall - 21/100
Not a lot of characterization.
Plot - 3/25
Some mother reading a bedtime story to a little girl.
Setting - 3/15
A little girl tucked into bed.
Creativity - 7/15
Heh. The whole thing was a set-up for a joke, but it was a good joke, so I'll give you a few points for that.
Style - 3/15
Suffers from talking head syndrome, but it's really just a setup for a joke.
Grammar/spelling - 5/5
Seems to be fine.
Overall - 21/100
Characters - 1/25
I've seen better characters from cereal boxes.
Plot - 1/25
Ahahah. Zzzzz.
Setting - 1/15
Setting? Where?
Creativity - 1/15
What is this I don't even
Style - 1/15
No. Just no.
Grammar/spelling - 5/5
Well, that's one way of getting a high score in this category.
Overall - 10/100
I've seen better characters from cereal boxes.
Plot - 1/25
Ahahah. Zzzzz.
Setting - 1/15
Setting? Where?
Creativity - 1/15
What is this I don't even
Style - 1/15
No. Just no.
Grammar/spelling - 5/5
Well, that's one way of getting a high score in this category.
Overall - 10/100
Final Judgement
46/300
15/100
Astrolinium's Entry
Characters - 15/25 Rather uninspired, but played to my favorite archetypes.
Plot - 15/25 Read like an episode of every 90's sitcom ever.
Setting - 10/15 Established well-enough. A play obviously lacks the detail to win a short story contest.
Creativity - 10/15 Not much in the way of a plot, but excellent jokes.
Style - 13/15 Rather comedic, even if you stole some lines from Monty Python, you plagiarizing bastard.
Grammar/spelling - 5/5 I saw nothing. Even had some Latin.
Overall - 68/100
Plot - 15/25 Read like an episode of every 90's sitcom ever.
Setting - 10/15 Established well-enough. A play obviously lacks the detail to win a short story contest.
Creativity - 10/15 Not much in the way of a plot, but excellent jokes.
Style - 13/15 Rather comedic, even if you stole some lines from Monty Python, you plagiarizing bastard.
Grammar/spelling - 5/5 I saw nothing. Even had some Latin.
Overall - 68/100
Characters - 16/25
Alright, Superbus is the quintessential, modern, mildly narcissistic smartass (IN ROME). He may not be the deepest or most original character ever, but I fell in love with him anyway. Junior is simply an adesolent in love. Everything else about him is simply a vehicle for the plot/comedy. Same with most of the other characters.
Plot - 22/25
I must confess, you did a good job of making a short comedic play. Revealing that Superbus taught the parrot to speak in order to get Furata her freedom at the end was an excellent end to the story.
Setting - 10/15
Rome, but there wasn't much room for description.
Creativity - 10/15
Let's face it, this was a retelling of A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum. A GOOD retelling, mind. But I'm still taking points off for that. The jokes were pretty original though, and appealed to the amateur historian in me.
Style - 12/15
Characters lack significant individual voice, but the jokes were good, and that's really what matters, isn't it? The dialogue flowed smoothly and set up the situations quite well.
Grammar/spelling - 5/5
I didn't see any mistakes. æ technically can be written simply as ae though.
Overall - 75/100
Alright, Superbus is the quintessential, modern, mildly narcissistic smartass (IN ROME). He may not be the deepest or most original character ever, but I fell in love with him anyway. Junior is simply an adesolent in love. Everything else about him is simply a vehicle for the plot/comedy. Same with most of the other characters.
Plot - 22/25
I must confess, you did a good job of making a short comedic play. Revealing that Superbus taught the parrot to speak in order to get Furata her freedom at the end was an excellent end to the story.
Setting - 10/15
Rome, but there wasn't much room for description.
Creativity - 10/15
Let's face it, this was a retelling of A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum. A GOOD retelling, mind. But I'm still taking points off for that. The jokes were pretty original though, and appealed to the amateur historian in me.
Style - 12/15
Characters lack significant individual voice, but the jokes were good, and that's really what matters, isn't it? The dialogue flowed smoothly and set up the situations quite well.
Grammar/spelling - 5/5
I didn't see any mistakes. æ technically can be written simply as ae though.
Overall - 75/100
Characters - 19/25
Colorful characters. Very absurd, which is good in a comedy. I find that the characters, however, a bit cliched. There's also not a lot of character development, but again, it's a comedy, so memorable characters are the last thing I expected out of this particular genre. I do feel that some characters were underplayed, not having their full potential.
Plot - 19/25
Again, a bit cliched here. Save the princess generic brand. The only thing that made me kept reading is the comedy. It only works when you know how plays work and if you can see it in your head. If I were to just read it off from a computer screen, it would not have its full effect.
Setting - 10/15
Well, it's a play. The setting is ultimately up to the the ones setting up the play.
Creativity - 13/15
Again, hilarious knowing the context. Lots of absurdities. Very cheeky. I did noticed that there weren't a lot of stage directions where there needs to be.
Style - 10/15
A bit over the top sometimes. Need to tone it down a little.
Grammar/spelling - 5/5
Overall - 76/100
Colorful characters. Very absurd, which is good in a comedy. I find that the characters, however, a bit cliched. There's also not a lot of character development, but again, it's a comedy, so memorable characters are the last thing I expected out of this particular genre. I do feel that some characters were underplayed, not having their full potential.
Plot - 19/25
Again, a bit cliched here. Save the princess generic brand. The only thing that made me kept reading is the comedy. It only works when you know how plays work and if you can see it in your head. If I were to just read it off from a computer screen, it would not have its full effect.
Setting - 10/15
Well, it's a play. The setting is ultimately up to the the ones setting up the play.
Creativity - 13/15
Again, hilarious knowing the context. Lots of absurdities. Very cheeky. I did noticed that there weren't a lot of stage directions where there needs to be.
Style - 10/15
A bit over the top sometimes. Need to tone it down a little.
Grammar/spelling - 5/5
Overall - 76/100
Final Judgement:
219/300
73/100
