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Short Story Contest

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Conserative Morality
Post Kaiser
 
Posts: 76675
Founded: Aug 24, 2007
Left-Leaning College State

Short Story Contest

Postby Conserative Morality » Tue Nov 29, 2011 4:52 pm

So, she's up and done. Look at upon our works, ye mighty, and despair. *crumbles to dust*

1st Place: CM
2nd Place: Astrolinium
3rd Place: Nationstatelandsville

Judges:

New England and The Maritimes
Norstal
Yoite
And The Rich Port pinch-hitting for Yoite

Short Stories:

New East Ireland's Short Story
80/300 - 26.7/100

Norstal's Judgement:
Disclaimer: correct me if I'm wrong on the summary.

Summary: An unnamed man stalked a girl and he gets to kiss her.

Characters - 1/25
I can't give a decent score to a story where the characters are not even named.

Plot - 3/25
Seems like it's a passage from a romance novel. However, a passage is not a short story.
Setting - 5/15
Descriptive, but again, the shortness of this...thing is what forces me to give it a lower score.

Creativity - 8/15
I rather like the words you used, but again, needs to be longer.

Style - 5/15
Again, same problem. Needs to be longer.

Grammar/Spelling - 4/5
Pretty good on that department I think.

Overall - 27/100

New England and the Maritimes' Judgement

Characters - 5/25 Who are they? What is the motivation? What the hell is going on?
Plot - 5/25 Not a story, a scene.
Setting - 5/15 No real idea of where, other than a beach.
Creativity - 5/15 Not that difficult to think up, really.
Style - 10/15 Middle of the road, I guess.
Grammar/spelling - 3/5 A few errors, enough that it's not perfect or extremely close to it.

Overall - 33/100

Summary of Judgement: Had you taken some time and extended this to a story, rather than three paragraphs, it'd have compared better. That's about all I have to say for it, really.

The Rich Port's Judgement
Characters - 2/25
"He" and "She" are rather... Non-existent. Yes, they're in love and yes they're making out, but that's about it.

Plot - 1/25
So... They're in love... And then what?

Setting - 4/15
The beach seems to be the most important character in this story.

Creativity - 3/15
I think you were aiming for something... I'm not sure what, though

Style - 5/15
I don't understand why you made this so short. You had a 5000 word limit. This was a total of 453 words

Grammar/Spelling - 5/5
Nothing wrong that I found.

Overall: 20/100


JuNii's Short Story
141/300 - 47/100
Norstal's Judgement

Characters - 14/25

I feel that there is little to go about the characterization in here. There are some details about what the characters look like, but it was hard to discover the traits or anything at all really. You need to give more life to the characters. Make them more detailed. I gave you points because there was some sense of emotions, even if it was at times, confusing.


Plot - 13/25
It could be better. It gives little background to what was really going on. If a critic doesn't know what the context of the story is, the plot becomes muddled and butchered. And I understand that this is an extension to a previous story you made (right?), but I can only review what you're submitting.

Setting - 7/15
Your description of the local color is great, but the setting changes really quickly for me. I know that there are some trees and meadows somewhere, but that's all I can remember. Of course, your story was hard to read, so I might have missed something. The use of motif (lightning) to divide the story into sections is great though. Makes the plot flows to an extent.

Creativity - 6/15
I'm not really seeing a lot of creativity here.

Style - 5/15
Too much ellipses. I do think you are trying to attempt some sort of Native American storytelling, but it just didn't work out in the end. Sorry.

Grammar/spelling - 0/5
Terrible. Really need to use proper grammar and spelling. Especially on character names.

A warning to you all: I'm not a great reader. If your story have bad spelling or grammar, it WILL be hard for me to both decipher the language you're using and understand the story.

Overall - 46/100

Yoite's judgement
Characters - 10/25
I didn't feel much personality coming from the characters, other than Artimis, and the dialogue was both brief and lacking. I did however feel some conveyed emotions.
Plot - 18/25
Simple in intent, but clearly stated and followed through, straightforward as it were.
-2 because I don't know where the ogres came by their madness.
Setting - 10/15
There was less description than I would have liked, but (and you can call it my imagination) I felt the woods thinning as the ogres entered the clearing in which the battle would take place.
Creativity - 12/15
The piece felt original
Style - 9/15
I liked your style for the most part, but there didn't seem to be an actualy battle, it vanished from the middle of the story. I did take note, and approve, of the reuse of lightning.
Grammar - 2/5
. . .I saw copious grammatical errors.

Overall - 61/100

New England and the Maritimes' Judgment

Characters - 5/25 - No hint of a back story or development is present. I don't feel any attachment to any of the characters whatsoever.
Plot - 10/25 Not sure what was going on.
Setting - 5/15 The setting is barely described.
Creativity - 7/15 Fantasy elements that are somehow sort of rare seem to be present, but it's too murky to make out.
Style - 5/15 I just didn't get it.
Grammar/Spelling - 2/5 Learn punctuation and capitalization.

Overall - 34/100

I would say you have a decent first draft. If you had taken some time to develop this more, to refine it and revise it, and added to it, this might have come out a lot more interesting and worthwhile as a piece in its own right.

Yesopalitha's Short Story
168/300 - 56/100
Norstal's Judgement

Characters - 21/25
Pretty good description of the characters. I do like how the narrator is very lifelike. I can feel the emotions that he has seeping through from the story. Your choice to hide the character's identity is essential to the story, so I commend you on keeping his anonymity. It really reminds me of one of Poe's works. You can even say this is a modern Poe.

In fact, one can argue that "It" doesn't really exist. It might be that the narrator is schizophrenic. Perhaps this what serial killers felt when they go into a killing spree. However, I do think that the dialogue is a bit cliched. I mean, I just don't think that his dad would forgive him so easily AND be ready to kill him if he loves him.

Plot - 23/25
I really, really liked your efforts to keep the suspense flowing. I can identify the exposition, the climax, etc. and it's pretty good. I don't think I had any problem with it actually. I'm not too sure what the other guy said about it being "one-note". I thought it flowed pretty well actually. Although, I can understand that his sister getting shot might give too much tension, but that's just your style of writing.

Setting - 11/15
I think that you can give it a bit more "oomph". Maybe describe what the neighborhood looks like for them to not have heard...6(?) gunshots? And to quickly kill so many people in what seems like a small time span, but, all of these are forgivable because you are trying to show that the narrator had vivid memory.

Creativity - 13/15
You were creative in making both the audience and the narrator to be involved in the story. So, it's good.

Style - 14/15
Really nice structure. Good use of bold characters to identify "It".

Grammar/Spelling - 4/5
Some tense errors. I bolded some of it with blue.

Overall - 88/100

Yoite's Judgement

Yesopalitha

Characters - 1/25
I felt the father was unrealistic, he loved the boy's mother and sister just as much, I can't see anyone being so accepting and calm. The main character himself evoked no sympathy, I just didn't like him.
Plot - 10/25
I didn't like it, I knew where it was going, and making it first person made it so . . .cheesy and fake, though I do see why it was necessary to the story.
Setting - 13/15
I didn't see anything wrong with where or when, I think it was the best possible setting for the story.
Creativity - 8/15
I can't say I've seen this before, but it felt redundant.
Style - 5/15
monotonous, and again, I thought that first person struck a blow to this story. Though I admit I might not be giving this enough credit.
Grammar - 4/5
(I didn't see much in the way of errors, but you can't be riddled with three bullets.)

Overall 41/100

New England and the Maritimes' Judgement
Characters - 5/25 - Poor. No names, no defined relationships, no development, no purpose.
Plot - 10/25 Not sure what was going on, really.
Setting - 5/15 The setting is hardly fleshed out at all.
Creativity - 9/15 Fairly unique.
Style - 7/15 Alright, really.
Grammar/Spelling - 3/5 Not awful, not that great.

Overall - 39/100 Could use some revision, especially for dialogue, and a bit better outlining to define some kind of real plot and real character development. I don't care much for first person, so this might have been somewhat biased.

Manahakatouki's Short Story
191/300 - 63.7/100
Norstal's Judgement
Characters - 18/25
I didn't see much characterization in here, but I understand this wasn't your focus. I do think you could have used the literary technique (I forgot the name) where you make the home to be a character. I did kind of see you attempted at this, but didn't go further. Perhaps show where it originated or the true purpose of the room.

Plot - 19/25
Reminds me of another short story which had similar themes as the one you wrote. I have to say that one was much better because it had more character involvement. The story shows that although the people became "cattle", they were geniuses or mentally handicapped; they were humans before. I just think that treating the characters as generic in a dystopia where people are generic is a bit funny.

But you didn't need to do that to improve the story. What I think you needed was to make that home a true character. To make it more involved in the story. Perhaps, give that home a fighting chance. I mean, the climax and the ending was predictable to me, so it wasn't as intense. After all, a plot with no conflict is almost not a plot at all.

Setting - 15/15
Pretty good. Had no qualms about it.

Creativity - 13/15
Eh, the theme was something that is prevalent, so I don't really find that part creative. Nevertheless, it's your detailed description of the setting that gains you these points.

Style - 13/15
Pretty good. Some things can be improved, such as the elimination of redundancy (like the one Weimar Republic mentioned).

Grammar/spelling - 4/5
I think you switched from present to past tense at some point. But it's good.

Overall - 82/100

Yoite's judgement

Manahakatouki

Characters - 15/25
Referencing Norstal's judgement, considering the room a character I can judge this.
Plot - 15/25
I'm not sure if I could identify it as a plot, but I liked where it was going . . .
Setting - 15/15
I loved the setting, the black and white world marred only by a little bubble of color.
Creativity - 1/15
Have you ever seen the movie Equilibrium? . . . .I would give you points for the setting, but I attributed those in the setting.
Style - 15/15
I appreciated your writing style, you made note of something, then explained it's relevance, it was . . . refreshing.
Grammar - 5/5
I noticed no grammatical errors that I remembered at the end.

Overall 66/100

New England and the Maritimes' Judgement

Characters - 5/25 I hope you understand this one. There are no characters aside from in a short exposition early on.
Plot - 8/25 I'm not sure what it is I'm reading. I don't know what the purpose is, or what the conflict happens to be. It seems to be explained by a third person narrator who is a bit too detached from the scene.
Setting - 8/15 Not much to go on with it. It's hard to tell what it's meant to be.
Creativity - 8/15 Sort of typical in its thematic style.
Style - 10/15 Could use some revision. Cut down on your paragraph sizes, I think.
Grammar - 4/5 Good.

Overall - 43/100 Not awful, but I guess this type of story isn't my cup of tea.

Foamy XIII's Short Story
163/300 - 54.3/100
Norstal's Judgement
Summary: An officer of some unknown army in an unknown place at Randwich castle was forced to defend it in a losing war. Their supplies are almost gone and yet, his superior refuses to give up. On the second day, the enemy manages to get through the castle and everyone died.

Characters - 16/25
I don't even know who the characters are except for the captain. I can't really write an extensive criticism with this as there's not much characterization going on. Work on that more. However, the characterization on the captain was decent enough, so I'll give you some points for that.

Plot - 14/25
Not much happening here either. Seems more like a passage than a short story. I see no exposition, no rising action. Only a short climax and a denouement. Would've been a good climax though. Maybe.

Setting - 6/15
Not seeing a lot of setting here. Don't even know what the castle looked like, except that it's old, worn, and it has an infirmary and that it is at least 3 levels. That's about it.

Creativity - 5/15
Generic castle defense story. Also, too short.

Style - 13/15
Good, strong language, if not, overused.

Grammar/spelling - 4/5
I think I saw some grammatical errors there.

Overall - 58/100

Yoite's judgement

Foamy XIII

Characters - 18/25
There is only one, but I sympathize with him and find myself wishing I could help him. My only problem is that there is only him introduced, understandable, and that in just two entries he can't really . . .communicate himself.
Plot - 12/25
They are in a fort . . .they are under attack . . .the General is arrogant, in just two entries I couldn't draw much more from the story.
Setting - 5/15
All I know is we are in a battle worn, northern fortress.
Creativity - 7/15
It felt a little bland, I can't say I've read a . . . .no, I haven't read a siege-story before so I can't judge it on it's merit among books with similar settings.
Style - 12/15
Captain Joseph was well spoken, yet presents himself bluntly.
Grammar - 3/5
It was pretty solid, until the final paragraph where some confusing phrasing threw me off.

Overall 57/100

New England and the Maritimes' Judgement
Characters - 5/25 Not a lot of characterization of anyone. Just a few words, or a sentence perhaps for each of the people mentioned offhand would have boosted this a lot.
Plot - 15/25 Not much to say about it. Fighting over a castle(in 1878?).
Setting - 12/15 Decently done atmosphere. Could have done a bit more on it.
Creativity - 10/15 Feels like you were in the mood while writing it, and it shows on what little you put forward.
Style - 12/15 Same as above. It feels good.
Grammar - 4/5 I don't like to give perfect ratings. It is a solid effort.

Overall - 58/100 Could have been expanded, which would have helped a lot.

Nationstatelandsville's Short Story
235/300 - 78.3/100
Norstal's Judgement

Disclaimer: you know the drill.

Summary: A man named Mike and what seems to be his girlfriend, Elise, were driving down the desert to Las Vegas. It was apparent that he felt no love for his girlfriend, only apathy. The narrator then describes Mike as a half-wit, horrible, and ugly man who had done many bad things in the past. The car they were in was revealed to be stolen. Off into the distance was a mysterious man who seems to have knowledge of Mike's past (or any other man). Mike was too tired to continue driving and dozed off into sleep. He then entered what seems to be an alternate reality where he was forced to endure pain and explore his past misdeeds. It also explored his past childhood and how innocent he used to be. It was toward the end that it was reveal that the place is hell. it was however, just a dream, and it appears that he was about hit a truck. He made the choice to save Elise, which then leads to his death. Because of this, he was able to rejoin with his dead grandmother in heaven.

Characters - 21/25
Not bad, I did like how much detail you gave into Mike's characterization. I think that if the word limit would permit it (or less onomatopoeia), you could've worked more on the other characters. Particularly his grandmother and what led him to be such an asshole. It was only implied that his father was drunk, but not violently drunk.

Plot - 19/25
Eh, it just feels like a rehash of Christmas Carol or at least I saw some similarities to it, but it was decent. It kept my suspense. The mysterious man was just too random and was obscure in relation with the plot. Also, you should've built up some context to what happened previously though; like how Mike stole the car or what led him to be such an ass.

Setting - 14/15
Pretty detailed description of the setting I think.

Creativity - 12/15
Good use of literary techniques. Could be better.

Style - 12/15
See, that mysterious man that came out of nowhere just kinda bothered me. I think if you just excluded that part of the story, you'd have more style. It would be magical realism instead of just something weird.

Grammar/Spelling - 4/5
His family was fone? THEN WHO WAS FAMILY?

Overall - 82/100

Yoite's Judgement

Nationstatelandsville

Characters- 25/25
The whole story was about his character, needless to say you did a good job, you managed to make me feel sympathy for a drunken slob.
Plot- 20/25
You represented the plot well enough, I found myself knowing where it was going early on, but the car crash scene surprised me. The mysterious man added that whole weird factor that I like.
Setting- 15/15
I loved your setting, the transition from memory to memory was well executed.
Creativity- 12/15
Fairly creative, you I liked the significance of the clock, though that has been done before, you succeeded in making it feel fresh.
Style- 13/15
I liked the manner in which the speaker seemed to question himself.
Grammar- 3/5
There were many places where I felt like you were missing words and it damaged the sentence you were forming.

Overall 88/100

New England and the Maritimes' Judgement

Characters - 15/25 We don't see much of motivation for the characters. They're sort of one-dimensional.
Plot - 20/25 It's self-contained, and seems to have the parts that make a complete plotline.
Setting - 10/15 Not much to say about it. Not exquisitely detailed, but we know when the setting has changed, and you explain the basics of the new settings.
Creativity - 10/15 Not the most original premise, but you ran with it fairly well and this story is your own.
Style - 7/15 Could use some revision. Paragraphs especially, I had to edit it and preview my post, so that's minus points.
Grammar - 3/5 Numerous errors, but they don't detract from the story itself.

Overall - 65/100 Decent work for a first draft. Deadlines make writing difficult.

Zeth Rekia's Short Story
189/300 - 63/100
Norstal's Judgement

Summary: A veteran of some war, named Akira, went to settle, along with his brother Keven and his father, in a large house he purchased. Although it was old and dirty, it was still sturdy enough to live in. They went to unpack and soon, Akira became bored with nothing else to do. At night he went to explore the underbelly of the house to discover a talking chicken carrying a baton, to which he claimed it was for protection, presumably against a cat who's been hunting him. The next day, Keven was disgruntled with Akira as he claims that the latter woke him up during the night by smashing his iPod on his chest. They then met the cat. On the fifth night, the family went to participate in a play similar to a war reenactment. Soon, Akira started to become bored again, until everyone there suddenly turned into purple gel. He and his brother quickly came home to discover that the Jell which turned the other people into gel was in their clothes. The Cat explained that the family who lives in the house and dies would be reincarnated into an animal that represents them best. And that only the family who is living there is immune to the Jell.

Characters - 15/25
Not seeing a lot of characterization here. Some sparse description of the context of the main character, but we don't know what Keven looks like or where Father works. We don't even know how the cat or the chicken family died. It's all very confusing.

Plot - 15/25
I'm not sure I understood the plot either. There was something that resembles the exposition, but the rising action did made me excited, for a moment, and the story ended with the climax. There's no denouement or what becomes of the Jell. I don't even know why such thing exists. Seems like an unfinished story to me. Needs more work, although I suppose I can understand how the word limit might have conflicted with that.

Setting - 11/15
Decent description of the setting I think. Although it would've been nice to at least know what time era they lived in. Again, it's confusing.

Creativity - 13/15
Violent, graphic images. Briefly. I don't mind that actually, I think written stories need more of that. This has potential, but it needs more work.

Style - 8/15
Very incoherent, almost awkward. Substituting the word "baton" with "dildo" is one of the thing I just didn't like. Needs more structured dialogues as well. Needs more sentence structure as well.

Grammar/Spelling - 3/5
Many errors here, see the red ones.

Overall - 64/100

Yoite's Judgement

Characters- 16/25
Akira was certainly . . .interesting, I like the fact that she was unusually accepting of the talking chicken and cat, I liked the characters but I felt like they weren't explained.
Plot- 15/25
There was a pl- oh yeah, the house gel eating consuming flesh. I call this interesting, but the house doesn't explain itself either and I'm confused as to the jell's origin.
Setting- 12/15
I liked the Mansion/Castle place, and I felt that while you didn't adequately describe the structure, you managed to communicate the feel of the musty old place.
Creativity- 15/15
Is there something uncreative about this?
Style- 10/15
I know it was a short story, but it felt a little to brief, as if it was rushing to be read. I also liked the humor exhibited, Akira calling his Baton a Dildo, the squatters.
Grammar- 3/5
I saw some mispelling ans such.

Overall 71/100

New England and the Maritimes' Judgement
Characters - 10/25 The characters don't have much depth to them. Slightly derivative, but they're there to serve a singular purpose.
Plot - 10/25 I don't get it. Perhaps that was the point, though?
Setting - 9/15 Not extremely well developed, but it isn't completely without substance.
Creativity - 10/15 It's fairly original.
Style - 12/15 Decent voice, hidden by a deadline and not enough time spent on editing and revising.
Grammar - 3/5 Multiple errors, but nothing on some fundamental level, I'd say. It's readable and any error does little to cause harm to the general sentiment.

Overall - 54/100 You've got talent for the arts, as your visual stuff shows. Writing has a lot of focus on tedious editing to bring out the message or feeling within. I'm sure you'll keep developing, though. I hope to see more of your stuff as you continue improving.

Theseonia's Short Story
233/300 - 77.7/100
Norstal's Judgement
Summary: A man and a woman went out from a building, presumably to return home. The man, who is also the narrator, explained how he love her very much, but that he is scared she would reject him. It was later revealed that they had sex and yet, she didn't used protection. She explained that she only had sex with him out of lust, even if she did "lost" something in the process. Later, she would tell him that she will abort the baby, much to the man's protest. Of course, the narrator wanted to know or at least believe that she loves him. The woman rejects him again and ran away from him, only to be killed by a bus.

Characters - 20/25
Very good context for the characters. Some problems I find is that there's a lack of identity for both of the characters. For instance, they didn't have names. It just makes it like they're lifeless and their personalities interchangeable with any other characters. So, the problem in here is that your characters just seems to be too generic.

Plot - 22/25
I somewhat like the ending, although it's a bit anti-climactic. There is a rising action, decent exposition, climax, and all that good stuff. I do think that the plot is more...symbolic.

When she was hit by the bus, the narrator said "And October" at the very end. We can interpret in that, because she died, that moment in which he treasured so much is now lost. There's a sense of regret for him. If he didn't push his love onto her, would that ever happened? On the other hand, if she was dead, he is freed from his love. It's a bit of a Pyrrhic victory for him. He wouldn't have to dwell on that moment in October ever again.

There is a giant irony in this plot as well (I do wonder if you caught it too) that seems to support the first conclusion. He said that she is selfish, that she is not empathetic, but he himself is not very empathetic either. For one, he wants to control her life, even if he was actually being angry about how she could just throw away his love like that. It's very interesting.

I liked the plot, although I do think that the presentation needs to be better.

Setting - 11/15
Not much to go on in this department. Would've been nice if there's more setting.

Creativity - 13/15
The plot is innovative. I might even say it could be used the next time another abortion thread shows up in NSG.

Style - 13/15
Good, flowery words. Good use of rhetoric. Bad dialogue style. Half the time the characters says something, I had to figure out who's saying what.

Grammar/Spelling - 5/5
I haven't found any, but that's because I have an eyestrain at the moment, so I might have not noticed it.

Overall - 86/100

Yoite's Judgement

Characters- 20/25
The characters were understandable, realistic, and I could believe they are deeper than what I could see.
Plot- 18/25
Simple. Though you closed it up and left no question as to what happened.
Setting- 10/15
What doors? Where are they, when, I followed that they were traveling down a snowy street, but didn't grasp much more.
Creativity- 9/15
Style- 14/15
You made first person agreeable, and the dialogue was well executed.
Grammar- 5/5
I noticed no grammatical flaws.

Overall 76/100

New England and the Maritimes' Judgement
Characters - 18/25 They're there, but there isn't a lot to them. To be fair to you, the word limit does put a limit on decent characterization.
Plot - 17/25 Seems like a whiny jerk trying to shame someone else into slavery. Not very sympathetic. The ending made me laugh.
Setting - 11/15 Decent.
Creativity - 12/15 Haven't heard one like that for a while.
Style - 10/15 Dialogue could use some reworking. It's not very natural in some parts. Could have put a bit more into it, as well.
Grammar - 3/5 Some errors persist, but nothing that would make it difficult to read.

Overall - 71/100 Generally good writing. Story itself isn't my cup of tea, but with some revisions that'd manage to be even higher.

Maineiac's Short Story]
167/300 - 55.6/100
Norstal's Judgement
Characters - 10/25
Not seeing a lot of characterization here. I only know of the narrator and that's about it.

Plot - 10/25
I am giving you some points because it seems that you did your research. I like that. However, like you said, the plot is incomplete. I don't like incomplete plots.

If this was to become a novel of some sort, I say go for it. Even then, the expostion needs more work, such as how an anarchy could form in a matter of seconds, but this doesn't fit for a short story.

Setting - 5/15
Needs more description of what Earth is like after the invasion. Needs more description of the invaders home planet. Needs to explain what the time is or at least the lack of time.

Creativity - 13/15
I like hard science fiction. It makes me feel happy that the writers actually did some research. However, if the aliens use EMP, how did they use electronics?

Style - 12/15
it's decent. It could be improved by making it more exciting.

Grammar/spelling - 5/5
Didn't see any actually.

Overall - 55/100

Yoite's judgement
Maineiacs

Characters- 15/25
I don't exactly see much personality coming form him, and he is really the only character introduced.
Plot- 5/25
Shoddy at best, they were watching for centuries but waited for us to start using the planets resources, and they needed us to weaken ourselves because they waited until we were as strong as possible? And of course, what was the story, you said it was part of a larger work but I can only judge what I see.
Setting- 5/15
I didn't really grasp the setting, I get that we are on post invasion earth but you weren't so descriptive.
Creativity- 5/15
I've seen this tye of story many times before, and there is nothing that makes this stand out from the others.
Style- 10/15
It's alright, but it makes the main character seem as if he is perpetually whining.
Grammar- 5/5
I noted no grammatical errors

Overall - 45/100

New England and the Maritimes' Judgement
Characters - 15/25 There isn't a lot of characterization or direct actions by the characters. I'd judge the characters but I have no idea who they are.
Plot - 18/25 Decent ideas, but the length makes it hard to set up something detailed.
Setting - 10/15 Overall good work.
Creativity - 10/15 Aliens aren't the most original idea, but it doesn't seem to be directly ripped from anything.
Style - 10/15 I'm not much for first person, but it wasn't bad.
Grammar - 4/5 No serious errors that I can see.

Overall - 67/100 Good. When you expand it and go through editing and revisions it will only get better. I hope you put it up when it's done, or maybe during intermediate drafts.

CM's Short Story
259/300 - 86.3/100
Norstal's Judgement

Characters - 24/25
Very detailed characters. Very good context of each characters actually. Although I would like more details to be put into the antagonist characters as well, such as the captain. The antagonists seems to only be shown very briefly. Other than that, you successfully brought the characters into life.

Plot - 23/25
Good rising action and all that stuff. A cliffhanger denouement was perfect as well, allowing the story to be continued later. One of the problem I had was that the context of the plot was a bit obscure. We don't know what started the war as that was very briefly mentioned. It was vague; were they fighting for freedom? Were they enslaved? Needs more improvement on this area.

One thing I like about the plot is that there is a theme of was the series of moral dilemmas the main characters had to face. The rising action also made me continue reading, waiting for what happens next. All in all, very excellent. I want to read what happens next, if that's possible.

Setting - 13/15
Good use of local color. Vague description of time, but that's forgivable. Good use of weather to picture the setting. One problem I find is that I don't know what the layout of the empire looks like. I mean, I really didn't understand why they need to defend that one little place.

Creativity - 14/15
Excellent combination of fantasy and historical elements. Good use of detailed words and descriptions.

Style - 13/15
I don't like the way you structure your dialogues. It is confusing (see the bolded blue). Need to work a little bit on structure.

Grammar/spelling - 4/5
I think you should end dialogues with a comma (see red) like this:

"I want some cookies," he said.

That's what I have from the Elements of Style. Other than that, pretty good, no spelling errors.

Overall - 91/100

Yoite's Judgement

Characters- 25/25
I liked the characters, sympathized with the Tzar and the General's dilema, and Captain Kvavsov was a realistic fanatic. They were believeable and developed, the Tzar had a realistic conflict between his faith in God and his duty to his people.
Plot- 23/25
The plot seemed brief, but I liked what was there, you conveyed a sense of significance and drama scene to scene.
Setting- 10/15
I liked the setting, but I didn't really get a feel for where they were, or the scope of the city.
Creativity- 14/15
I thought it felt original, not many people go the route of evil elves, and the Russian feel sharply contrasted them.
Style- 13/15
I liked the scene switching, and felt like you closed each one quite well, but entering the next scene disoriented me at times.
Grammar- 5/5
I'll attribute the spelling of certain names differently to being in another universe.

Overall 90/100

New England and the Maritimes' Judgement
Characters - 20/25 Good for most of the Humans. The Elves could have been fleshed out a bit more, but I think that may have been part of the point.
Plot - 20/25 There's not a lot of background given, but what we get is good.
Setting - 10/15 Some of it is not so fleshed out, but it is good.
Creativity - 12/15 Very good.
Style - 12/15 Again, great.
Grammar - 4/5 Nearly perfect.

Overall - 78/100 Good work.

Jeniva's Short Story

Yoite's Judgement

Characters- 21/25
you did a fairly god job representing Jackass kids, they're believeable.
Plot- 17/25
It was sound, but I felt like it finished without telling the whole stoy, I'd of liked to know what happened, particularly to smug Shane, and It was a little predictable.
Setting- 13/15
I've been to the little backwater towns before and I feel like you captured it well, but you could've been more descriptive.
Creativity- 9/15
While well executed, I've seen similar stories before, there wasn't much that made it stand out.
Style- 12/15
Grammar- 5/5
If there is some grammar inconsistency I'm going to need it pointed out to me apparently.

Overall 77/100

New England and the Maritimes' Judgement

Characters - 15/25 Could have been fleshed out a bit better, but not bad.
Plot - 15/25 A little bit bland, have to say.
Setting - 10/15 Could have been more descriptive, but not bad. I understand basically where this is taking place.
Creativity - 10/15 Not the most original idea, but I don't feel bored by it.
Style - 10/15 Decently written, a few places where some rewriting would have helped it flow better.
Grammar/spelling - 4/5 Not awful, but not perfect.

Overall - 64/100

Metanih's Short Story
124/300 - 41.3/100
Norstal's Judgement


Characters - 17/25
I think there's potential in the characters that you used here. I think that it could be improved, but in this story, it just seems too generic to me. Good description of the characters physical features though.

Plot - 14/25
There's a good, if not decent, exposition right off the bat. It all goes downhill during the rising action and it just became too boring for me. It could be a good intro for another story, but as a standalone short story, there's really not much going on here.

Setting - 8/15
Good detailed description of surroundings...at first. However, it feels like you didn't get much detailed after the first paragraphs. I want to recreate it in my head and I wasn't able to do that.

Creativity - 12/15
Props on the paragraph structure.

Style - 12/15
I somewhat like your writing style and although I did like the paragraph structure itself, it just seems awkward for a short story.

Grammar/spelling - 4/5
See bolded or search for the words "teh" and "nessisary".

Overall - 67/100

Yoite's judgement
Characters- 15/25
I understand Ayliah's disintrest in the military, but she doesn't provide the reader with an alternative path she wished to follow. I liked her, but I couldn't really grasp much about her.
Plot- 5/25
She doesn't like the military, Farrik is punishing her for skipping, her parent's don't trust her, not getting much more, and there is no close.
Setting- 7/15
I tried to imagine the setting, but there was a significant lack of description.
Creativity- 11/15
Style- 9/15
The style made me feel disconnected from the story.
Grammar- 2/5
I noticed frequent spelling errors and such.

Overall 49/100

New England and the Maritimes' Judgement

Characters - 16/25 Very two dimensional.
Plot - 13/25 Not much of a plot to it, really.
Setting - 8/15 Not well explained or described except a few rare instances.
Creativity - 10/15 Not something I feel I've seen before.
Style - 8/15 The flow seems a bit awkward.
Grammar - 3/5 Numerous errors. Horrible formatting. I could tell what you were saying, but do try to proofread things.

Overall - 48/100

Buffy's Short Story
78/300 - 26/100
Norstal's Judgement
Summary: What is this I don't even...?

Characters - (-)50/25
Terrible.

Plot - 50/25
Hah. Is funny.

Setting - 8999/15
This is the setting we all face. It's very existential and questions the meta-physical aspects of our lives. It is what we will experience once we hit a mid-life crises of our own. For some, there would be no choice to make a u-turn as there is no room in the road.

Nah, just fucking with you guys.

Creativity - 1/15
It made me chuckled.

Style - (-)9001/15
Blergh.

Grammar/spelling - 5/5
Erm. Wow.

Overall - 5/100

Yoite's Judgement
Characters- 10/25
Who is this character, their mysteriousness piqued my interest, but they were never elaborated on.
Plot- 7/25
The lead up was properly dramatic, but why exactly was the character on an adventure, to where?
Setting- 7/15
There was a significant lack of description, were you in a forest? A desert? A pleasant suburb? These are things the reader would like to know.
Creativity- 11/15
The humour was refreshing, and he piece is original.
Style- 8/15
I find suddenly a bland word, but your style was agreeable.
Grammar- /5
No spelling errors.

Overall 43/100

New England and the Maritimes' Judgement

Overall - 30/100 More of a joke than an attempt, I think. Silly, but not terribly written.

Alexlantis' Short Story
176/300 - 58.6/100
Norstal's Judgement
Summary: A man, presumably named Jack, went "underground" to escape from the upside, a city which was once under the control of the government, full of corruption, crime, and the like, now overrun with Them. He was then suddenly beset by Them, yet, the person attacking him resembles a girl. Although badly injured from the fight, he was taken by her and several other Them to their hideout, which was something that resembles a subway station. The leader of Them wanted to kill him for some unknown purpose, but the girl stopped him. They then went outside to an abandoned farm to spend the night. They were then discovered by the government and were promptly executed, but not before some others witnessed what happened.

Characters - 15/25
Not a lot of characterization going on, I think. I know that some details were given, but it was sparse. There was little context on who Jack is and it's just confusing on how they all look like. I do find the use of ending each section of the story with "I am Jack's..." etc. a bit creative, so props for that.

Plot - 9/25
It was just confusing. Little context were given as to what happened in the story which leads to a very sparse exposition, unexciting rising action, and a mediocre climax with a cliched denouement.

Frankly, I don't know what the hell is going on. Man goes in underworld. Man gets attacked by Enemy A. Enemy A turns out to be Friend A. Enemy B wants to kill Man and Friend A stops B. B becomes Neutral. Then Friend C becomes Enemy C and both Man and A got killed by C. I guess I can somewhat see the theme of having your enemy becoming your friend, but that's about it.

Now I know you said it's unfinished, but that still won't stop me from giving you a low score.

Setting - 13/15
Generic sewers, but at least it's a bit descriptive, which was good.

Creativity - 10/15
Good job on describing the details of things. As The Rich Port said however, it's not very original.

Style - 5/15
Needs to be more readable. Paragraph structuring needs more work. The use of foreign language in order to draw up local color fails as it just ends up frustrating the reader.

Grammar/spelling - 4/5
See bolded red or search for "mein".

Overall - 56/100

The Rich Port's Judgement
Actually, I might just be harder on you. Who knows?

Characters - 19/25
Seeing as how you weren't very descriptive of the characters, I made my own images of them in my head. Them do have red eyes, so I assume They look like a combination of Orcs and Dark Elves from The Elder Scrolls. I'd like to learn more about Them, but overall they don't seem all that terrifying or different from people if they "look almost human".

Jack is the gruff soldier. Meh.

Also, I commend you for not making them a complete item. The thought of a dude banging an Orc/Dunmer chick is night terror-inducing enough.

Plot - 11/25
The pacing was way too quick. How long did it take for these events to occur? Half an hour? Because that's what it felt like. He shoots some critters, gets attacked, and then Jack is suddenly accepted by Them and he's fighting against their injustice? A while ago they were monsters. I think you were trying to make the action suspenseful, and while you partly succeeded, you also threw me for a whirl. If this were a movie, it would be shot with a shaky-cam and it would have Paris Hilton in the background, whoring it up.

Setting - 14/15
Well, I certainly got a feel for where the fuck this was all happening. Sewers, under a city. I could almost smell the rat shit.

Creativity - 9/15
While for a while I was utterly disconnected from possible inspirations for this in the beginning, District 9, Avatar, and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles live action movie soon crept into my subconscious. That's not a good thing if you're scoring for originality and the spontaneity of the idea. Luckily, my first thought was of S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Shadow of Chernobyl. THAT'S actually a good thing. More people should write stories about finding things in a sewer.

Style - 8/15
I noticed that you tried to sneak in some strange stylistic sentences about Jack's biological and psychological states of being. You didn't really connect them very well. You only bring them for the first time after the third paragraph, continue for a few more (which is when I finally noticed it) and then abandoned it until the ending.

Again, the way you paced yourself is very off-putting. IMO, it feels like you wrote this in a rush (which kinda makes sense, since according to you this is an unedited first version).

Grammar/Spelling - 3/5
I think this is what threw me off: your sentence structure. I kept confusing "Them", "Its", "They" as a pronouns for something else. Protip for the future: don't name things pronouns.

Overall: 64/100

New England and the Maritimes' Judgement

Characters - 15/25 Not awful. Not great, either.
Plot - 10/25 What is he doing there? Where did he get these things he started off with? What is the background? What is the goal, the conflict?
Setting - 10/15 Middle of the road.
Creativity - 12/15 Not bad. Somewhat unique.
Style - 6/15 Needs a lot of work to get presentable.
Grammar - 3/5 Major errors persist. Not enough to lose the purpose of sentences, but I had to edit it myself so I could read it. Fix your paragraphs, or nobody else will bother.

Overall - 56/100 Decent as a first draft, but not as a finished product. Editing goes a long way.

ImperialistSalvia's Short Story
74/300 - 24.6/100
Norstal's Judgement
Characters - 5/25
What is this I don't even?

Plot - 5/25
I really, genuinely have no idea what the hell is going on.

Setting - 3/15
Well, there's volcanoes.

Creativity - 0/15
I see none.

Style - 10/15
I always like a good sarcasm. I guess.

Grammar/spelling - 3/5
Past tense is awesomesauce.

Overall - 26/100

Yoite's judgement
Characters- 10/25
I'd like to have learned more about the Dragon and Taquisha, and I saw noe description of what they looked like.
Plot- 16/25
The plot seemed to change as you surmounted each obstacle in your path, but it was brief and not very in depth
Setting- 6/15
You were at the bottom of a cliff, after that, ?_?
Creativity- 10/15
This was creative, if only in bursts
Style- 3/15
The literary style here was a bit confusing, and frustrating to a reader.
Grammar- 3/5

Overall 48/100

New England and the Maritimes' Judgement

Characters - 0/25
Plot - 0/25
Setting - 0/15
Creativity - 0/15
Style - 0/15
Grammar - 0/5
Overall - 0/100. Wut?

Astrolinium's Short Story
241/300 - 80.3/100
Norstal's Judgement
Characters - 24/25
Excellent method of giving human qualities to animals. I really liked the hyperbolic characterization given to each characters. It's suppose to be silly and it is. Good job on this.

Plot - 23/25
It's just your everyday, run-of-the-mill squirrel trying to make ends meet. The humor seeps through every paragraph I read. It also has a coherent exposition, rising action, etc. Really makes me feel like a 7-year old again.

Setting - 13/15
Perhaps you can work more on the details of what the house looked like and what the weather was like. Other than that, I find no problems with it. It's just that you need to put more effort to it.

Creativity - 15/15
Again, the hyperbolic take on an everyday situation is what makes this story great. I think it's very creative and for that, I salute you. I hope to see more of your works.

Style - 14/15
Comedic, hyperbolic...what more can I say? Although I think the paragraph structure could be made to be more readable.

Grammar/Spelling - 5/5
Did not see any.

Overall - 94/100

Yoite's Judgement
Characters- 20/25
The squirell's terror was tangable, his hoplessness radiated into the reader, and his courage as he struck at the mighty beast, just stimulating.
Plot- 20/25
The plot kept me on the edge of my seat, waiting to see what cruel torment you'd inflict upon the squirell.
Setting- 12/15
I'm not entirely sure where you are, but the setting felt right, I saw the taller pine next to the little oak.
Creativity- 11/15
I 've seen animals as the main characters before, but never a squirell, well played.
Style- 10/15
While it kept me entertained with it's quick pace, the style it self seemed rather simple in retrospect, not always a bad thing of course.
Grammar- 5/5
I might be rushing a little, but I didn't note any grammatical errors.

Overall 78/100

New England and the Maritimes' Judgement

Characters - 15/25 - Not much characterization.
Plot - 15/25 Decently done.
Setting - 13/15 We know where we are.
Creativity - 12/15 The only one about a rodent in this thread, I'm fairly sure.
Style - 10/15 When making your post, hit the preview button. Take a look at any problems and fix them. I shouldn't have to edit your post so I can read it. Paragraphs need to be spaced.
Grammar - 4/5 Great.

Overall - 69/100 A good effort.

Jenrak's Short Story
214/300 - 71.3/100
Norstal's Judgement
Characters - 14/25
I am trying to understand the characters, but I just couldn't do it. I have a faint idea of what the characters look like, what their personalities are. I do think this wasn't your main focus though, so that's forgivable.

Plot - 24/25
It has a good theme; the theme of revenge. The old man killed what seems to be the main character's fiancee. And it really does shows a lot of nihilism in the story as well, along with pathos. However, the chronological order irks me and the story only makes sense if you read everything, which somewhat reduces the effect of the pathos. Still, it's pretty decent.

Setting - 14/15
Good descriptions of the setting.

Creativity - 14/15
I do have to say that the structure is a bit creative, even if I didn't like it. It might have worked on other people.

Style - 13/15
Like I said, the chronological order irks me, but other than that, it has a good structure.

Grammar/spelling - 4/5
See bolded red, I don't think that comma should be there. Of course, I'm going for what I remembered in the Elements of Style so I could be wrong.

Overall - 83/100

Yoite's Judgement
Characters- 5/25
I don't know the characters, I'm not entirely sure of anything regarding them other than the man sounded to be homeless.
Plot- 5/25
I don't know what the plot was, but I think the girl died ?
Setting 15/15
You Described everything in studious detail, I enjoyed the thoroughness.
Creativity- 15/15
I can't say I've seen this before.
Style- 10/15
I like how minute your writing is, but I was disoriented by the transistions from scene to scene.
Grammar- 4/5
I noticed some errors in spelling.

Overall 54/100

New England and the Maritimes' Judgement
Characters - 20/25 The important characters are all we have. It's good to strip it down like this. Nuts and bolts, I like it.
Plot - 20/25 It's jumbled on purpose, but it goes in flashes. A good way to shorten up what could be made into a novel with enough effort.
Setting - 12/15 Good.
Creativity - 12/15 Great.
Style - 10/15 Some of the flow seems a bit off. Revision will make this shine.
Grammar - 3/5 Could use some proofreading and rewriting.

Overall 77/100 A solid effort. It was a story in its own right, rather than a scene, and I love that about it.

-Deus-'s Short Story
205/300 - 68/100
Norstal's Judgement
Characters - 20/25
Good, descriptive details on the characters. You showed the context of each characters very well. Except the two characters you mentioned in the introductory paragraphs. I don't think they ever showed up in the story...

Plot - 10/25
A good exposition, but that's about it. No ending, no conflict, no climax. It is as you said, an excerpt and therefore not a complete story.

Setting - 13/15
Good, detailed, and descriptive. Could have more done in it though.

Creativity - 12/15
I think it's a bit original and I can see the influences of other prominent authors such as J.R Tolkien, I think.

Style - 13/15
Decent structures. Creative use of descriptive language.

Grammar/Spelling - 4/5
See red bolded.

Overall - 72/100

The Rich Port's Judgement

Characters - 20/25
I would have liked to have seen the two main characters that you had mentioned in your story's... Epilogue? However, I suppose I was content with Garsin Crowne of... Tolk. I'll get to that later.

I particularly like the way that you handled the characterization of the Giants and of Garsin himself. They're very likable. I mean, who DOESN'T like a big, happy bunch of people who welcome you like you are family? And Garsin seems to deserve it. I felt some of their sadness at knowing they might never see the one person they called a good friend.

Plot - 19/25
Again, you lost some points for having your story be an excerpt. Nothing much happens in this excerpt; Garsin decides to leave Myyrth, and... That's it. However, things don't necessarily need to happen; nobody should feel obligated to put in several murders just to satiate my blood lust. His departure was certainly emotional in few words.

I must admit: your story made me want to find out more. You should post more.

Setting - 10/15
I picture the village of Myyrth as being a Hopi village, carved into the hills. I don't have much choice; you didn't really describe it. The layout of the houses? The way they looked on the outside? If I missed it, forgive me, but that would have helped you put setting.

Creativity - 7/15
Um... I'm not sure I understood your Tolkien reference. Did Tolkien's name mean something? Is your story supposed to take place in Tolkienic prehistory? Were there once giants in Tolkien's work, like the dragons?

Again, your story suffers for being an excerpt. I didn't see anything new HERE, but there might something else in another part of your story.

Style - 12/15
I rather liked your epilogue. I feel they're a good way to build up an epic. Your style is rather muted, and sometimes that's a good thing. Usually, I'd rather somebody cut loose and go completely insane while they write. Maybe I just got tired of drinking Pepsi until I snapped and achieved peace and suddenly decided your style was good.

Still, I was put at ease by it.

Grammar/Spelling - 3/5
Noticed a few teeny tiny ones. Luckily, grammar and spelling don't count for much.

Overall: 70/100

New England and the Maritimes' Judgement
Characters - 15/25 Not much characterization. No idea who they're meant to be. Same for Jenrak, sure, but this isn't self-contained. The story rests on more of the characters themselves, and as an excerpt it is missing this.
Plot - 10/25 This is sliced out of a larger story with more of a context. There isn't a true plot to it. There's no rising action, no climax, no resolution. There isn't much of anything.
Setting - 10/15 It looks like you've thought this world out somewhat, but I can't tell because so little of the actual story is presented.
Creativity - 12/15 There's real potential with this, but I'm not sure where it's going.
Style - 13/15 Some minor flow problems. Decent voice.
Grammar - 3/5 Minor errors, but nothing to detract from readability.

Overall - 63/100 Seems like it is part of a good piece of work, but I can't tell.

Nightkill's Short Story
215/300 - 71.6/100
Norstal's Judgement

Characters - 18/25
There was actually a good characterization on the Khan, but all the other characters seems shallow to me. I think that for this to really work is to make the character be more memorable. Other than that, it just need a few improvements and it should be good.

Plot - 20/25
I took points off since this was an obvious, somewhat surreal reference to the author of the story (you). I think that if you tried to remove that, the plot would've been great, ala Saints Row. I like over-the-top silliness, but the self-reference made it worse, not better.

Setting - 9/15
Not much going on here. More descriptions of the setting would be nice.

Creativity - 12/15
Could be more over-the-top. More silliness. More violence. It was like that edge of the uncanny valley that you need to cross over.

Style - 13/15
I like the style, somewhat.

Grammar/spelling - 5/5
Didn't see any actually.

Overall - 77/100

Yoite's Judgement

Oh god, how am I going to judge this.

Characters- 18/25
While Khan was certainly humorous, I didn't grasp much about Nightkill's personality, although his motivations did become quite clear.
Plot- 24/25
I was entranced as soon as I heard fourteen year old boys, the overzealous vengeance rage made the story believable, and I had fun reading it all the way through, one point off because it wasn't a true story, I'd almost believe it was but then the vendor-boy was selling imported shirts. Call me arbitrary.
Setting- 8/15
You really didn't describe exactly where things were happening.
Creativity- 15/15
Need I say more?
Style- 13/15
It was fairly good, and I liked the abrubt transition from vengeance rafe state to reality.
Grammar- 4/5
Not perfect, but certainly adequate

Overall 83/100

New England and the Maritimes' Judgement
Characters - 10/25 Not sure who they are or what they're like. I know a few are crazy and a few are dullards, but that's about it.
Plot - 10/25 Not much to it.
Setting - 10/15 NS Reference is a good funny.
Creativity - 12/15 Most meta of all.
Style - 10/15 Could use a bit of revision, especially for the dialogue.
Grammar - 3/5 Nothing stops me from understanding your sentences, so it's not a big issue.

Overall - 55/100 It's sort of a funny, rather than a major, serious effort, so I understand some of the problems. Seems like you can do better if you try harder, though.

Zwangzug's Short Story

Norstal's Judgement

Characters - 15/25
I'm not really sure if there are any characterization in there. Also, as far as I'm concerned, every character looks the same to me.

Plot - 17/25
Eh, not really that exciting. It's about a chess tournament and how they lost it. Well, actually, it's more about the bus ride going to a chess tournament.

Setting - 7/15
Not seeing a lot in here either.

Creativity - 14/15
Good job on not using the letter A, I guess.

Style - 10/15
I don't like how the dialogue is structured...I don't know who's speaking what. There's also little narrative in the story.

Grammar/Spelling - 5/5
Didn't see any.

Overall - 68/100

New England and the Maritimes' Judgement
Characters - 15/25 We know most names, but not much else.
Plot - 20/25 One of the few that's self-contained. Finding a climax and falling action is a relief, but it could have used a full resolution.
Setting - 10/15 Not described in detail, but we know where we are.
Creativity - 10/15 Not many people write about chess club.
Style - 10/15 Flow problems, could have been organized a bit better, dialogue ought to be refined a bit.
Grammar - 3/5 Wow. No a...

Overall - 68/100 - Seems like another decent effort.
Last edited by Conserative Morality on Tue Jan 10, 2012 4:16 pm, edited 71 times in total.
On the hate train. Choo choo, bitches. Bi-Polar. Proud Crypto-Fascist and Turbo Progressive. Dirty Étatist. Lowly Humanities Major. NSG's Best Liberal.
Caesar and Imperator of RWDT
Got a blog up again. || An NS Writing Discussion

User avatar
Nightkill the Emperor
Post Kaiser
 
Posts: 88776
Founded: Dec 28, 2009
Ex-Nation

Postby Nightkill the Emperor » Tue Nov 29, 2011 4:57 pm

I haven't even started. :blink:
Hi! I'm Khan, your local misanthropic Indian.
I wear teal, blue & pink for Swith.
P2TM RP Discussion Thread
If you want a good rp, read this shit.
Tiami is cool.
Nat: Night's always in some bizarre state somewhere between "intoxicated enough to kill a hair metal lead singer" and "annoying Mormon missionary sober".

Swith: It's because you're so awesome. God himself refreshes the screen before he types just to see if Nightkill has written anything while he was off somewhere else.

Monfrox wrote:
The balkens wrote:
# went there....

It's Nightkill. He's been there so long he rents out rooms to other people at a flat rate, but demands cash up front.

User avatar
Conserative Morality
Post Kaiser
 
Posts: 76675
Founded: Aug 24, 2007
Left-Leaning College State

Postby Conserative Morality » Tue Nov 29, 2011 5:07 pm

Nightkill the Emperor wrote:I haven't even started. :blink:

Neither have I. At least I don't think I have. I'm out of it tonight. But I do have it planned out.
On the hate train. Choo choo, bitches. Bi-Polar. Proud Crypto-Fascist and Turbo Progressive. Dirty Étatist. Lowly Humanities Major. NSG's Best Liberal.
Caesar and Imperator of RWDT
Got a blog up again. || An NS Writing Discussion

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New East Ireland
Negotiator
 
Posts: 6215
Founded: Sep 25, 2010
Liberal Democratic Socialists

Postby New East Ireland » Tue Nov 29, 2011 5:17 pm

I'm done with my story, I just want to know if I should post it so soon.
"A joke is a very serious thing."

- Winston Churchill



User avatar
Nightkill the Emperor
Post Kaiser
 
Posts: 88776
Founded: Dec 28, 2009
Ex-Nation

Postby Nightkill the Emperor » Tue Nov 29, 2011 5:21 pm

New East Ireland wrote:I'm done with my story, I just want to know if I should post it so soon.

Your choice. Revise it if you want, or just post it. I'd suggest posting it in the other thread so we can review and then posting the final version later.
Hi! I'm Khan, your local misanthropic Indian.
I wear teal, blue & pink for Swith.
P2TM RP Discussion Thread
If you want a good rp, read this shit.
Tiami is cool.
Nat: Night's always in some bizarre state somewhere between "intoxicated enough to kill a hair metal lead singer" and "annoying Mormon missionary sober".

Swith: It's because you're so awesome. God himself refreshes the screen before he types just to see if Nightkill has written anything while he was off somewhere else.

Monfrox wrote:
The balkens wrote:
# went there....

It's Nightkill. He's been there so long he rents out rooms to other people at a flat rate, but demands cash up front.

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Conserative Morality
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Postby Conserative Morality » Tue Nov 29, 2011 5:21 pm

New East Ireland wrote:I'm done with my story, I just want to know if I should post it so soon.

Whenever you feel comfortable. It won't be missed by the judges; I'll link to it in the OP.

By the way, I can't remember who the judges were. I'm out of it tonight. I think I've been over this already. Does anyone remember?
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New East Ireland
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Postby New East Ireland » Tue Nov 29, 2011 5:25 pm

Conserative Morality wrote:
New East Ireland wrote:I'm done with my story, I just want to know if I should post it so soon.

Whenever you feel comfortable. It won't be missed by the judges; I'll link to it in the OP.

By the way, I can't remember who the judges were. I'm out of it tonight. I think I've been over this already. Does anyone remember?

Someone, randomperson and anotherperson were the judges, I believe. :p
"A joke is a very serious thing."

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TaQud
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Postby TaQud » Tue Nov 29, 2011 5:28 pm

Is there a prize and does it have to be Christmas theme? :blink:
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Nightkill the Emperor
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Postby Nightkill the Emperor » Tue Nov 29, 2011 5:29 pm

TaQud wrote:Is there a prize and does it have to be Christmas theme? :blink:

No prize other than bragging rights and me giving you herpes.

Nope, any theme.
Hi! I'm Khan, your local misanthropic Indian.
I wear teal, blue & pink for Swith.
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Nat: Night's always in some bizarre state somewhere between "intoxicated enough to kill a hair metal lead singer" and "annoying Mormon missionary sober".

Swith: It's because you're so awesome. God himself refreshes the screen before he types just to see if Nightkill has written anything while he was off somewhere else.

Monfrox wrote:
The balkens wrote:
# went there....

It's Nightkill. He's been there so long he rents out rooms to other people at a flat rate, but demands cash up front.

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Conserative Morality
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Postby Conserative Morality » Tue Nov 29, 2011 5:31 pm

TaQud wrote:Is there a prize and does it have to be Christmas theme? :blink:

Bragging rights and no theme.
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Conserative Morality
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Postby Conserative Morality » Tue Nov 29, 2011 5:37 pm

New East Ireland wrote:Someone, randomperson and anotherperson were the judges, I believe. :p

Very helpful. :p
Last edited by Conserative Morality on Tue Nov 29, 2011 5:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Mad hatters in jeans
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Postby Mad hatters in jeans » Tue Nov 29, 2011 5:45 pm

does it count as a story if i write the same word 5000 times?

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Nightkill the Emperor
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Postby Nightkill the Emperor » Tue Nov 29, 2011 5:46 pm

Mad hatters in jeans wrote:does it count as a story if i write the same word 5000 times?

No.
Hi! I'm Khan, your local misanthropic Indian.
I wear teal, blue & pink for Swith.
P2TM RP Discussion Thread
If you want a good rp, read this shit.
Tiami is cool.
Nat: Night's always in some bizarre state somewhere between "intoxicated enough to kill a hair metal lead singer" and "annoying Mormon missionary sober".

Swith: It's because you're so awesome. God himself refreshes the screen before he types just to see if Nightkill has written anything while he was off somewhere else.

Monfrox wrote:
The balkens wrote:
# went there....

It's Nightkill. He's been there so long he rents out rooms to other people at a flat rate, but demands cash up front.

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Conserative Morality
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Postby Conserative Morality » Tue Nov 29, 2011 5:51 pm

Mad hatters in jeans wrote:does it count as a story if i write the same word 5000 times?

Yes.

You'll just get very poor marks.

Unless the judges are feeling rather puckish.
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JuNii
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Postby JuNii » Tue Nov 29, 2011 10:22 pm

Conserative Morality wrote:Blah blah blah, short story contest, blah blah blah, making specific thread, blah blah blah, nuclear missile bomb, up to you, good luck.

For the short story contest we planned in the writing thread. I'm a little hazy on the details myself, mostly because it's all been so decentralized, but so far I've got:

Deadline at January 1st
5000 word limit
Stay within the site rules
We've already got three judges I think

I'll edit this once I feel up to it/am informed on the specifics by people making stuff up.


Fanfic?
on the other hand... I have another set of fingers.

Unscramble these words...1) PNEIS. 2)HTIELR 3) NGGERI 4) BUTTSXE
1) SPINE. 2) LITHER 3)GINGER 4)SUBTEXT

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Nightkill the Emperor
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Postby Nightkill the Emperor » Tue Nov 29, 2011 10:23 pm

JuNii wrote:
Conserative Morality wrote:Blah blah blah, short story contest, blah blah blah, making specific thread, blah blah blah, nuclear missile bomb, up to you, good luck.

For the short story contest we planned in the writing thread. I'm a little hazy on the details myself, mostly because it's all been so decentralized, but so far I've got:

Deadline at January 1st
5000 word limit
Stay within the site rules
We've already got three judges I think

I'll edit this once I feel up to it/am informed on the specifics by people making stuff up.


Fanfic?

We agreed no, unless it's in public domain.

Then feel free.
Hi! I'm Khan, your local misanthropic Indian.
I wear teal, blue & pink for Swith.
P2TM RP Discussion Thread
If you want a good rp, read this shit.
Tiami is cool.
Nat: Night's always in some bizarre state somewhere between "intoxicated enough to kill a hair metal lead singer" and "annoying Mormon missionary sober".

Swith: It's because you're so awesome. God himself refreshes the screen before he types just to see if Nightkill has written anything while he was off somewhere else.

Monfrox wrote:
The balkens wrote:
# went there....

It's Nightkill. He's been there so long he rents out rooms to other people at a flat rate, but demands cash up front.

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JuNii
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Postby JuNii » Tue Nov 29, 2011 10:30 pm

Nightkill the Emperor wrote:
JuNii wrote:
Fanfic?

We agreed no, unless it's in public domain.

Then feel free.


Damn! :(
on the other hand... I have another set of fingers.

Unscramble these words...1) PNEIS. 2)HTIELR 3) NGGERI 4) BUTTSXE
1) SPINE. 2) LITHER 3)GINGER 4)SUBTEXT

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New East Ireland
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Postby New East Ireland » Wed Nov 30, 2011 9:13 pm

Well, I'm done with my story. Early, but here it is. :)

Laying there on the beach, staring into the sunset, was a wonderful sight. Though that was true, nothing could compare to her. She was amazing, and beautiful, and he felt as though he was the luckiest person in the entire world because she was with him, of anyone else in the whole world. Just thinking about it gave him the feeling that millions of butterflies were inside of his stomach, fluttering and floating around, tickling his insides and forcing himself to giggle uncontrollably. Even now, thinking about her, he giggled. He kept staring at the sun, until he could no longer resist the urge to look at her. He turned his head to the left, and smiled.

Her eyes were bright, and beautiful; even more so than the sunset that was right in front of them. Her eyes seemed like a maze, one that he could become lost in for years, but would never worry about because it was so comforting and welcoming. Her hair blew in the wind, and she looked at him.

"What's wrong?" she asked. He giggled, and smiled, and leaned in, extending his lips until they touched hers. He kissed her as they laid there, for minutes or so. When he finally pulled away, he smiled again. "I'm perfect," he replied. She giggled, and moved closer to him, and wrapped his arms around him. He wrapped his arms around her in response, and smiled. He looked into her wonderful eyes, and leaned in closer, and kissed her. Their lips parted, and their tongues wrapped around each other. They laid there, in the sunset, and on the beach, kissing with their arms wrapped around each other. He felt the warmth of the beach, but it couldn't compare to the warm feeling he had from her. If he had the ability, he would stop time so that that moment would last for all of eternity, and that they would never have to leave or stop. Long into the night, they continued, until the moon was high above their heads, shining down on them. He smiled. "There's something I have to tell you," he whispered quietly. She opened her eyes, and smiled. "What?" she asked.

He leaned in closer, and kissed her again, struggling to find the courage to pull away from her soft lips and speak. He pulled away, which itself proved enough of a challenge, and smiled. "I love you," he whispered. "If I could, I would let the whole world know that I did."

Before she could react, he kissed her again, and blushed furiously, holding her tightly. He had no regret; indeed, he did feel perfect, more than he ever had, and it was all because of her.
"A joke is a very serious thing."

- Winston Churchill



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Mad hatters in jeans
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Postby Mad hatters in jeans » Thu Dec 01, 2011 5:27 pm

Conserative Morality wrote:
Mad hatters in jeans wrote:does it count as a story if i write the same word 5000 times?

Yes.

You'll just get very poor marks.

Unless the judges are feeling rather puckish.

what if it was the most amazing word that described the best kinda story ever but had to be 5000 of em to make the story?

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Conserative Morality
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Postby Conserative Morality » Thu Dec 01, 2011 9:44 pm

New East Ireland wrote:Well, I'm done with my story. Early, but here it is. :)

*snip*

Added in the OP for easy references for the judges.
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JuNii
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Postby JuNii » Thu Dec 01, 2011 11:38 pm

expanding on my character in this thread.
viewtopic.php?f=25&t=145840

+++
Lightning flashed.

Artimis stood by her mother. her hands flexing in anticipation for the action to come. her breath was heavy as the rain fell.

she was nervous. this was not a hunt... no, the purpose was not to find food, but to stop a madness. she whined and looked at her mother. the Alpha female of her pack. she calmly put one hand on her shoulder. it was enough. Five Moon Knife pack was known for their prowess in battle. and for that, they had the honor of being the center point of this group.

the crashing in the woods was getting louder. Artimis stole a glance up and down the line. this was the largest gathering of the packs outside a council meeting. many had blood lust in their eyes. many relished the thought of the killing to come. Artimis envied those.

Lightning flashed.

revealing huge shapes that moved through the trees. A sickness struck the large ogre tribes... driving them to madness. and right now, they were tearing through the wilderness, killing all in their path.

a path that lead them to the Human kingdom of Arahar.

the wolf packs, sworn to protect all life, extended that courtisey to the human kingdom to the north.

much blood will be spilt this night. Artimis flexed her claws in anticipation... and with a little fear.

The flash of lightning revealed the first of the mad ogres. they raised their clubs high and charged the line of werewolves at the other end of the field.

the wolves howled and rushed forward. Fang and claw against club and insanity.

The air was thick with the howls and yelps of wolves. the screams and grunts of the ogres. Flesh was rent, Blood was spilt and bone was shattered.

Artimis, her fur, matted by blood, stood searching for the next prey. the meadow was littered with twisted bodies of ogre and werewolf alike. pack mates sought out friends and family among the survivors.

Mother. Artimis turned and ran. she knew that her mother was with her when she leapt onto the first ogre... but in the fighting...

She found her mother being tended to by the pack leader. the Alpha male. her leg was broken. shattered by an ogre club. but she will live. and fate willing, will hunt again.

A lone howl broke through the trees. A message that chilled the blood of those werewolves still alive.

A small group of Ogres failed to be corralled into the meadow... and now they were near the border.

The hunt leader, the werewolf charged to lead this battle gave a howling command. "River Runs, you know your duty."

the 5 remaining wolves of the named Pack turned and bolted for the trees. River Runs... formed by the fastest werewolves in the wilderness. Like their name sake, they were the only ones who could reach the ogres in time.

Artimis watched as her friend, White Water, Named for her snow white pelt, ran with her mother, Hermitie, the Alpha female and leader of the Pack.

Artimis looked to her parents. Her body Language said it all. "River Runs is fast, but to stop the Ogres..."

Her Father nodded and her mother smiled. Artimis gave her own howl. "Five Moon Knife. We Hunt!"

the 3 remaining wolves of the fiercest pack fell in with her as she took off after the chasing wolves.

rain fell on the battlefield.

River Runs ghosted through the trees. pain of wounds ignored as the pressing need to stop the madness from spreading push all other thoughts aside.

As one, they lept over the gully of the stream that marked the border. the rain masked the scent but it was clear. the ogres had found their prey.

Up ahead, through the mist of the rain, they saw 3 ogres, heard the screams of the humans that were unfortunate to be there, and smelled the blood and death that came upon them. Putting on a burst of speed, Hermitie and White Water threw themselves upon the largest ogre as he raised his club for a killing blow to a human child sitting in the mud while the other three of their pack took on the two smaller ogres...

Lightning flashed

The two werewolves stuck the ogre again and again. Blood flowed from many wounds as the ogre tried to shake off the two werewolves attacking him. A wild swing of the club sent White water flying. leaving her mother alone to combat the huge menace.

Stunned, White water struggled to rise. then shaking the stars from her vision, she struggled to get back into the fight. Hermitie managed to hamstring the ogre. causing him to fall. as she moved to the vulnerable neck, the ogre wrapped his thick fingers around her torso and neck. with a sickening twist... he broke her back.

Growling in rage, White water threw herself onto the ogre as he tossed aside the limp form of the Pack leader. with flashing teeth and claws, she opened up the ogre's throat and harried him until the loss of blood finally caused his limbs to fall.

Artimis and her pack broke through the trees to assist the other three wolves with the remaining ogres. as the combined pack brought them down, she sought out her year-mate and friend.

White water howled the death of her mother and leader. Artimis examined her. two ribs broken. she'll live. she turned to examine the carnage. 3 humans dead... two adults and one child. the youngest, a baby, sat in the rain and blood drenched mud crying for a mother that won't sooth his fears.

They were too late... and this boy's family paid the price. Artimis nuzzled the human child. wondering what to do. Occasionally, a lost human cub would be accepted into a pack... but that usually ended badly for the human. no, he needed to be with his own kind...

Down the road, a line of troops were approaching, something had alerted them to possible trouble. Artimis grabbed Hermitie's body and helping White Water, the two packs melted back into the woods.
on the other hand... I have another set of fingers.

Unscramble these words...1) PNEIS. 2)HTIELR 3) NGGERI 4) BUTTSXE
1) SPINE. 2) LITHER 3)GINGER 4)SUBTEXT

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Conserative Morality
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Postby Conserative Morality » Thu Dec 01, 2011 11:41 pm

JuNii wrote:expanding on my character in this thread.
viewtopic.php?f=25&t=145840

*snip*

Is that your entry?
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New Korongo
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Postby New Korongo » Thu Dec 01, 2011 11:46 pm

Hmm, interesting. I will give it a try even though I will most likely fail terribly.
Last edited by New Korongo on Thu Dec 01, 2011 11:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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JuNii
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Postby JuNii » Fri Dec 02, 2011 12:13 am

Conserative Morality wrote:
JuNii wrote:expanding on my character in this thread.
viewtopic.php?f=25&t=145840

*snip*

Is that your entry?

...

yeah...

how many entries can we have?
Last edited by JuNii on Fri Dec 02, 2011 12:14 am, edited 1 time in total.
on the other hand... I have another set of fingers.

Unscramble these words...1) PNEIS. 2)HTIELR 3) NGGERI 4) BUTTSXE
1) SPINE. 2) LITHER 3)GINGER 4)SUBTEXT

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Conserative Morality
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Left-Leaning College State

Postby Conserative Morality » Fri Dec 02, 2011 12:14 am

JuNii wrote:...

yeah...

Just wanted to make sure.
On the hate train. Choo choo, bitches. Bi-Polar. Proud Crypto-Fascist and Turbo Progressive. Dirty Étatist. Lowly Humanities Major. NSG's Best Liberal.
Caesar and Imperator of RWDT
Got a blog up again. || An NS Writing Discussion

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