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Null One (prelude to my new novel)

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Heaven Hieghts
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Null One (prelude to my new novel)

Postby Heaven Hieghts » Tue May 26, 2009 10:04 pm

Prelude




The room didn’t have anything that was wrong with it, as far as she could see. There were random papers all over the coffee table and couch; documents of some sort. The wall paper was pealing and molding. A dusty television that dated back quite awhile sat in the corner across from the flower print couch and coffee table. The room was darkly lit and only a faint light came through the dark grey curtains. This is wrong. She thought. This isn’t right. But what was wrong with it?
The room seemed unfamiliar to her and yet she knew it. She got a strange nostalgic vibe from it. Something about the room frightened her, a sort of looming intimidation that pervaded ones mind. She wanted out of here, but she found herself immobilized.
There was sudden odd sound that caught her attention. It sounded like a loud heart beat but didn’t have the right rhythm. It was low and quite thunderous and almost hurt her ears.
No rational thought came to her, she was too frightened. She started to panic, her heart rate increased quite greatly and she began to shake. She wanted to run from here to some place safe, but where? It now seemed that the whole world had become all the more frightening and that she wouldn’t dare to venture out into it.
Streaks of red climbed up the walls from the carpet and soon the rotting wall paper was covered in dark red. The wall paper stripped its self off the wall and the carpet receded from the floor. Everything was now rusted and dirty and smelled of death and rot.
Everything abruptly turned white, there was no discernable walls, ceiling or any other shape or shadow. A stream of blood extended out away from her, it was probably three inches wide. The blood pooled at the end and continued to run in an unusually straight line. From where she was standing, it looked as if it was running up hill. She didn’t understand this; she knew it had significance, but what about it was so significant? And why did it seem so vaguely familiar?
Small lines branched out from the main stream, more branches stretched out from the first ones and so on. Soon it began to look some what like a tree. It continued to spread and then suddenly stopped and the only movement she could see was that at the very end of the main stream had narrowed down to a thin line with two smaller lines coming out from the sides and then stopped like the rest of the tree.
Her sight began to blur and the tree just became a red spot, but then disappeared altogether. A fuzzy silhouette of a person took its place. They looked to be a tall black pole with a hazy outline.
“Wake up,” A familiar voice said. “Wake up.” She felt like she was being shaken. Her eyes flipped open abruptly, fear gripped her. For a moment, she didn’t know where she was, but then she looked over and saw General Lachlan Spara staring at her with a little less than a friendly look on his face and she realized that she was aboard the USS Valkyrie. She looked at him like she’d never seen a human being before.
“I’d prefer it if my crew members didn’t fall asleep on the job,” He said almost angrily, then added a fake smile. She felt a slight bit of embarrassment and was partially glad that he didn’t realize who she was yet.
She looked at the screen of her console then looked back at the general. “Eh, sorry. I, uh, haven’t been getting much sleep lately.” She said wearily, she would have told him that she was technically his crew member and that she was the engineer who designed and built the ship, but that could be considered mouthing off and doing so to ones superiors wasn’t exactly terribly bright.
“I don’t find that a very good excuse, do you?” His tone quite far away from friendly now and it sounded like more of a scolding.
“No, sir. I didn’t have the intent of it sounding like an excuse, sir. I was stating the truth.” She said quietly.
“Well, excuse or not, I want you to go back to your cabin and get some rest.” He said. “Kelson! Take her place!”
“But-” She started but was cut off before she could finish.
“Go,” He ordered, pointing to the door that led out of the bridge of the ship.
She got up with out any further argument and left the bridge silently. The floor of the hall was lighted by blue-green lights just above the gravity stabilizing panels. It was one of her ideas for the ship and it turned out quite nicely. There were also lights above in the ceiling as well, but they weren’t the same blue-green as the floor.
The hallway expanded into a large room that had three hallways branching off from it. She kept straight to get to the transit center.
She passed bathrooms and storage compartments and several other types of doors and rooms. Crew members were scattered here and there, all minding their business and not asking her questions. One of the crew she passed was a friend of hers named Lula Rae Arna.
“Hey!” Lula excitedly.
“Hi, are you heading to the bridge?” She asked.
“Yeah, just got off break. What are you doing here? I thought this was your shift.” She asked.
“It is, but… I fell asleep and Spara dismissed me.”
“Oh, well, at least you get the rest of the day off, right?”
“Yeah, I just hope he doesn’t mark me down for this.” She said.
“Oh, he wont, he’s pretty cool. Well, I have to go. So Ill see you later!” Lula said then went on her way back down to the bridge. She stared down the hall and watch her disappear down the hall and then she went her separate way.


Well, this is the prelude to my new story; Null One. It lacks in the editation and revision department so its probably not that great and there are probably many a typo. Supposed to be quite enigmatic in the beginning then things start to reveal them selves as it goes along.
So, critisism? kudos? Hate it? Love it?
Guess what, I'm radical left

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Heaven Hieghts
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Founded: Jun 20, 2008
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Re: Null One (prelude to my new novel)

Postby Heaven Hieghts » Sat May 30, 2009 12:47 pm

Yeah, thank you for replying
Guess what, I'm radical left

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Vojvodina-Nihon
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Re: Null One (prelude to my new novel)

Postby Vojvodina-Nihon » Sat May 30, 2009 7:48 pm

No, thank you for replying! *bows*


We don't care about the protagonist enough to empathize with her when stuff happens to her. Hell, she doesn't even have a name. Starting a novel with an undefined and uncharacterized protagonist is a bad idea.

Even taking revisions into account, the prose is lacking in intensity and interest. The paragraphs are awfully short. There's a lot of irrelevant detail that should be cut, as it detracts from the flow of what little action there is. Some bits don't even make sense (how do you light something darkly?). Overall it seems to have been conceived with certain primarily visual images in mind, and, if you can draw at all, might work better as a graphic novel.

Nothing much actually happens in the prelude. Some character (who doesn't have a name) falls asleep, has a strange dream (at least, we're told it's a strange dream) that could mean something in the future (gosh, you think?), then gets dismissed and sent back to her cabin. Presumably, since this is a "prelude", it will be set a good deal before the main action of the novel, generally anywhere between a few days or months to millennia, or at least on a different mission or among different characters than the majority of the remainder of the book. Thus, what are you trying to accomplish with it? To establish a mysterious aura? If so, it failed -- there's nothing very mysterious about having dreams, as everyone does it, and the rest of the setting is not only solid military sci-fi (thanks to some rather clumsily dropped details) but also lacks something of the essential "enigmatic" atmosphere: there are no ontological mysteries, no cryptic dialogue, most of the key pieces of the setting are intact, and there has been neither intense introspection nor any particularly mysterious activities. How is everything revealed here going to come into play during the rest of the novel? Decide this and make a note of it somewhere (I like using comments in Word documents to keep track of worldbuilding notes).

It's still probably better than my first attempt at writing a novel, mind. :P Nonetheless, if you're looking towards a career in writing, you'd probably need to finish a few more novels after this one before you're up to publishable quality. Do keep writing, though; it's wild blue-green algae for the soul.
One of many Czardas puppets. I regarded this as my main account upon creating it and for several years thereafter, but these days, that's no longer important.
Death is patient, death is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Death does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

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Heaven Hieghts
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Founded: Jun 20, 2008
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Re: Null One (prelude to my new novel)

Postby Heaven Hieghts » Sat May 30, 2009 9:24 pm

AH! *points like random lunatic*
Keep in mind I am quite young and am an amtuer writer. I was thinking I was going to rewrite it... I have different ideas concerning the prelude, possibly a different setting, so the character occupations are quite different and save the star ship for another novel. I was thinking perhaps Africa, some place overly hot were theres a lot of war. It would make more sense according to the story line. OR possibly some random city... Such as Seattle...

AANNNDDD> Her name is Juniper Joy Constantine if you care which I doubt you do...
Last edited by Heaven Hieghts on Sat May 30, 2009 9:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Guess what, I'm radical left

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Heaven Hieghts
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Founded: Jun 20, 2008
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Re: Null One (prelude to my new novel)

Postby Heaven Hieghts » Sun May 31, 2009 4:08 am

Prelude



“We need to shut this project down.” Lucas said, his voice was shaking. He was shaking his head back and forth. Lucas stood over a table with documents all over it. He picked up one then tossed it away, then he swept them off the table in a violent motion. He was usually well composed but this time he had broken down and lost all composure.
“Lucas, listen to me!” Alex said.
“No! I won’t! We have to, or they’ll destroy everything until we give it back! We have to give it back!” Lucas said. He turned from the table and looked at Alex in desperation. His hair was askew and his glasses were uneven.
“Listen to me, Lucas! You wont be any part of it, okay? You wont be in charge of it any longer.” Alex yelled.
Lucas seemed flustered by this. “No, we have to shut it down and give it back. They’ll kill everyone and destroy everything!” Lucas reached into the pocket of his lab coat and pulled out a small revolver and pointed it at him. Alex took a step back. He’s really lost it, hasn’t he? He thought.
“You don’t have to do this Lucas! You wont be apart of this any more!” Alex yelled. Lucas shook his head, his face contorted and tears rolled down his cheeks.
“No, no, no, no, no.” Is all he kept saying. “Please, we have to shut this project down.”
“We can’t and you know that! Comon’, Lucas, you don’t have to do this.”
He shook his head. “No, no.” He said almost in a whisper. Lucas slowly turned the gun toward his own head and pressed the barrel against his temple. Alex lunged at Lucas in an attempt to stop him.
“Lucas! NO!” Was all he had time to yell before there was a very loud bang and Lucas’s brain matter now decorated the wall. Lucas fell with a loud thud, the gun fell out of his hand and landed about a foot a way from him. Alex stood there staring blankly at Lucas’s lifeless body. Lucas, why?


HAH! There. Better?
Guess what, I'm radical left

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New Illeria
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Founded: Jun 16, 2009
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Re: Null One (prelude to my new novel)

Postby New Illeria » Wed Jul 01, 2009 3:58 am

actually it is :clap:
New Illeria's Airforce
Airforce
1000 F-22 Raptors- Max Speed: Mach 1.9
3000 SR-71 Blackbird-Max Speed: Mach 3.3
100000001 B-2 Spirit-Max speed:1103km/h
9000 F-117 NightHawk
1 Aurora- Top Secret Max Speed-Mach 6
may be we have this maybe we don't 3 U.F.O-Max Speed:Unknown


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