Usual disclaimers about parody and names being made up, any resemblance to real or existing players/people/etc is coincidental.)
The Bastard Nationstates Game Moderator from HELL!
Year 6 - Volume 1
Taking the Law into Her Own Hands!
By: Reploid Productions - Bastard Mod alter-ego "Reploid Seductions"
Another day, another scheme for revenge set in motion against Elektron Gaming, KAMO, and the people that allowed the badly written fanfic that is Gundam Seed Destiny to be animated. Also, about 2/3s of the office staff are hospitalized from various workplace accidents; the Bastard New Year was rung in with a vengeance. Admittedly, even I was surprised at the devastating power of a rogue copy machine.
So for a change, I'm in a remarkably charitable mood when I browse through the headache that is the Moderation forum. Mind you, I'm under no illusion that said charity will last long past the first thread title I click. Perhaps if that dodgy bit of the upper floor walkway had actually collapsed during the copy machine accident and gotten the casualty numbers up around 3/4 of the staff, maybe then my charity to the lusers would last longer than an ice cube in the Sahara.
As I browse the forum, I start to feel that familiar eyebrow twitch, and suspect that not even a 100% casualty rate at work would appease my wrath in the face of these lusers.
Particularly when the title of the first thread in Moderation is "An Appeal of the Recent Deletions of Tech Forge Members" by one Nuevo Pita.
I click the link and immediately go for the headache medication, because I already know what can be expected of ANY thread in Moderation by Nuevo Pita. Walls of text, lovingly laid out and citing dozens of irrelevant posts in a bid to support whatever inane thing he's on about at the time. I'm one of the very few mods that has actually managed to read one of Pita's posts from start to finish, though it took the better part of a day to sift through all of it to get to the freaking point. Most of us stopped trying to read his garbage ages ago in favor of simply skimming the content because you can't actually read it without your eyes glazing over and your IQ dropping several points. I'm personally convinced that he takes paragraphs to state "I think you're wrong because the rules say this-" because he's trying to make up for quality with sheer quantity.
Well, I for one am sick of it. A mere DEAT will not suffice, no, a DEAT would be answered by walls and walls and walls of whining appeals. Pita would build himself a fortress of words and cause headaches of meteoric proportion. This calls for a more thorough assault, and I'm feeling bloodthirsty enough to do it! Besides, he's trying to take the side of those idiotic Tech Forgers who were plotting to attack the site! If Pita wishes so badly to stand with them, then he can face the full fury of the bastard mod from hell with them!
A quick look through his user history reveals plenty of answers. For one, he claims to be a lawyer. Who was it that said, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." wasn't that Shakespeare? In any event, it explains the walls of text; the lawyerly trick of dazzling with bullshit to disguise the fact he's full of it. Too bad for him, but this isn't a courtroom, and his stall tactics and hot air won't do him well here. As a bonus, I apply some Google-fu to his email address, and in short order I have his real name, home address, the firm he works at, and all the relevant information I need to make his life miserable. You see... a check of the IP information and timestamps of his posts reveals to me just how much time he spends on his lengthy appeals here... when I assume he has real legal work to be doing instead.
Then it's a spin through the mod centre and the forums to fabricate evidence that links Pita to a user that got reported to the FBI for threatening politically-motivated violence near the end of the year; indeed, now there are several posts in which Pita himself is making such threats! Which coincidentally then links him to a user that's now delete-on-sight. The sentence is swiftly carried out, a quick >>clicky-clicky!<< and Nuevo Pita is consigned to oblivion and reported to the authorities. While he's no doubt busily composing his long-winded demand that could be more efficiently handled with "Why was I deleted?!" I'm busily typing my own small wall of text in an email.
To the managing partner of the firm he works at; which I happen to be good friends with, because he is a proper bastard, and we have a mutual respect for one another based on our work. Of course, he helps me out with legal stuff, and I shepherd many a workplace accident lawsuit his way. In fact, about 2/3s of the office staff are working with him to sue the copy machine manufacturer. It's a win-win relationship.
In my email, I explain the problem, that his employee is causing me grief. I make sure to mention he's been doing so on company time, including the evidence; and a note that Pita has been reported to the authorities for threats against the local Congressman. After that sordid affair in Arizona, I'm positive the FBI will jump all over this report like attack dogs on someone smeared in raw ground beef. Speaking rhetorically, of course! (Bacon works better.)
Between the FBI and the time wasted at work, I'm positive that either Pita will end up in prison, his career ruined, or some combination of both.
The lesson? Don't waste a bastard moderator's time. A short post merits a swift and comparably painless stab of a DEAT. A wall of text merits the complete and utter ruination of your life.
~Reploid Seductions
~She Who is Feared, She Who Wields the Oversized Butcher Knives of Deletion
~The Bastard Nationstates Game Moderator... from HELL!
Reploid Seductions is one sick, twisted Bastard! Love it!
Oh well still I will die with my aviators on and a oversized gun in my hand. Come and get I say, I'll be waiting for you me and my entire arsenal of bad puns and pointlessness 
