My question to the Mod team is fairly straight forward: would this be something we can put in the Mod forum for people to reference? I imagine references to individual players or actual circumstances would need to be sanitized. However, the overall content empowers people as well as gives all of us a reason to consider our own behaviors and how we might come across. Introspection is always healthy.
How To Identify Unsafe Social Relationships in Online Communities
By Escade and Asta
The internet is a strange place full of wonders and dangers all at the same time. You can’t live your life in fear but our experiences and those of the people we know can shape our actions and reactions to some of the stranger things.
Those who are part of online communities such as NationStates among others and those who use social media platforms (including Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, Periscope, and others) may have already experienced something offensive or disturbing, or may have been harassed.
NationStates in particular is a game with a social community element, and that leads to the formation of bonds and relationships that sometimes cross or obliterate the murky divide between in character and out of character - or real and unreal.
The most important thing to remember is that no one has the right to any of your personal information, to cross your personal boundaries, or to any kind of relationship with you.
It does not matter how many photos, personal details, or other things they throw at you - you don’t have to feel pressured to share anything back unless you want to. And if they are actively engaging in behavior to dox you (searching for and get your personal and private identifying information to share with others) then they are the problem and they have betrayed your trust and privacy. Someone who uses a photo you sent to them to try to get additional personal information about you is dangerous and should be avoided. The same goes for someone who shares a photo, or information that you shared with them privately, with anyone else.
The basic rule shared by an NS moderator was “Don’t share anything personal or private that can identify you in real life.” Of course, the reality is that we sometimes don’t know or don’t follow or don’t want to follow this rule and therefore that leads us to the subject at hand: how to identify unsafe social relationships on NationStates.
Firstly, people have to understand that NationStates is not a dating site. Have real life relationships formed out of the game and its social connections? Yes, a rare few. However, these are not representative of the majority of relationships formed on the site. If you are looking for real dating or relationships then please try a dating site or app or a socializing site or app. The primary purpose of NationStates is a political simulator game.
Unsafe Social Relationships: Online Predators
Online predators often engage in specific behaviors that are designed to lure their targets in and keep them from leaving. Two of these predatory behaviors are catfishing and grooming.
What is Catfishing?
Catfishing is when a person creates a fake identity in order to build a seemingly real relationship with their victim. Using fake or borrowed pictures, devices that can alter their voice on a phone call, or other technology, these predators convince their victims that the fake persona is, in fact, real. Some catfishing is done for financial gain, first luring a victim in and then convincing them to send money to their beloved, who has been the victim of some terrible tragedy, or who needs the funds in order to visit their target. Other times, catfishing is done for attention, or out of loneliness, or just because the person wanted to see if they could.
The MTV show “Catfish” and some recent high profile cases (such as a football player who thought his online “girlfriend” died only to find out “she” never existed, or the man who still thinks he’s in a relationship with Katy Perry) highlight the growing trend of people catfishing others online.
A catfish aggressively solicits real information from their victim, including real photos, real social media handles, information that tells them where you live, go to school, or work, and sexually explicit photos or videos, while providing minimal information about themselves. Catfish will often avoid interacting with their victims by video, and can be reluctant to talk on the phone. They will also often have numerous fabricated excuses for why they can’t do so.
What is grooming?
Grooming is when a predator works to lower another person's boundaries and redefine what they expect as normal behavior, in order to begin an illicit relationship or to get certain favors from their target. Both children and adults can be victims of grooming, but the younger the player, the more vulnerable they tend to be. Online predators may groom individuals for the following purposes:
- Sexual relations
- Affection or attention
- To troll or “play” with people
- For NationStates political manipulation or gains
- Any combination of the above
Signs of grooming include excess flattery, sometimes sympathy, offers of gifts or money, and other manipulative tactics listed below in warning signs. Grooming can take place over time and the short-term goal is to make the victim feel loved or comfortable enough to meet in person or to obey the predator (including following their political agendas in NationStates for example). Groomers often have a lot of patience to “work” their victims and often work multiple targets at the same time - telling all of them that “you’re the only one for me.”
The effects of grooming on the victims include suffering from depression, anxiety, failures in school, work or real life, disengagement from real life and other mental health issues. They may also feel pressured to engage in sexual or other behaviors and subsequently feel guilt, shame, anxiety, and fear. A victim may have an unhealthy view of the predator as the only person who cares for or understands them and may suffer emotionally and physically in trying to keep the predator happy.
Mod edit: Content removed.
The most important thing to do in this situation would be to say something to someone when you have suspicions, and being alert to situations where turning a blind eye can lead to this kind of problem. A major way we keep ourselves safe is by talking about concerns, and keeping silent because you aren't sure something is wrong is a bad instinct.
What Are Signs of Abusive or Predatory and Unsafe Relationships
Here are some of the signs to look out for, in order to better identify online predators. Someone exhibiting one or two of these may not be a threat, but if you find you are talking to someone who checks many of these boxes, it is a good idea to talk to a friend or other trusted player about your concerns.
Remember: if you feel uncomfortable, for any reason, it’s ok to take a step back to think. One of the best things to do might be to take a break from communications with the individual while you clear your head.
1. Love bombing
In sexual or romantic relationships, this refers to someone who declares their love for you very quickly, and who pushes the relationship to develop as fast as possible. They may pressure you to commit to them exclusively, or to declare your own love in return. They will overwhelm you with love (that’s the “bombing” part) in order to undermine your defenses and keep you from noticing other red flags.
Remember: Just as in real life, any relationship should take time as you get to know a person. If you feel pressured or rushed or out of your depth, that’s a warning sign.
2. Forced exchange
Someone may try to pressure you into giving them personal information about yourself by first giving you theirs, often unsolicited. This can include photos, phone numbers, facebook, email, or other social media. It can even include nude photos, or sexually explicit videos. Once they’ve given you their information, they will then try to make you feel obligated to share in return, or make you want to prove something to them. They might say, “But I gave you mine! Don’t you trust me?” or “You must not really like me. I thought we were friends.”
Remember: Other people’s expectations do not stick you with an obligation. Anybody who doesn’t respect your desire to stay safe should not be trusted with your personal information.
3. Information gathering
Online predators will collect information about you and use that to build a profile and get close to you and manipulate you. They will often try to collect information from multiple sources. If they know your real name, they might google it to find out where you live. They might look at your facebook page to get information about your family. They might talk to your friends to see what else they can find out.
If someone constantly seems to know what you’re up to, or starts referencing things you never told them, or brings up things you magically seem to have in common, or interrogates you about what you talk about with others, they may be engaging in this kind of behavior.
Remember: If they seem to know a lot more about you then you told them yourself or “guess” at things that you haven’t shared then this can be a warning sign. You have the right to limit what you share with people and people who know too much tend to be nefarious.
4. Pedestaling
Online predators make you, and your relationship with them, feel special, in order to make you believe that nobody else can ever understand you, or what you have. They may compliment you constantly (see love bombing), especially in ways that make you feel like you have something to prove. Be wary of comments in which they compare you to your friends or people of your gender/social group. These can be ways of isolating you from others and controlling your behavior.
Remember: Online predators enjoy targeting people with low self-esteem. Building your self-confidence and self-esteem makes it less likely that excessive and false flattery or other manipulations against insecurities will work.
5. Secrecy
Be extremely cautious around anybody who tries to pressure you to lie about your relationship with them, or to keep your meetings secret. When someone doesn’t want your friends or your parents to know what’s going on, that usually means it’s not above board. It also lets them blackmail you with it later - for example, threatening to tell your parents you’ve been meeting up with them and getting you in trouble, unless you do what they want. They may also threaten to share your photos or private messages with others if you don’t do what they want.
Remember: If a person, especially online in NationStates, wants to hide your alleged relationship or friendship or doesn’t seem to talk to you or acknowledge you publically but is hot and heavy privately then that is a huge red flag. Mod edit: Content removed.
6. Sexualization
An online predator may make sexual comments or project their own desires on you. One way to know they are predatory is that if you ignore their comments or change topics, they continue to make them and even increase the frequency. They may also get upset with you for not engaging, and demand that you respond. These are warning signs.
Remember: Unwanted sexual comments are a form of sexual harassment. The general mode of respectful norms is to avoid making sexual comments whether in a group or private setting unless you are sure that no one will be uncomfortable.
7. Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a behavior that is designed to make you feel crazy and unable to trust your own experience. One day, they may insult and belittle you, while the next they compliment you excessively and insist they would never say such mean things. They will question your memory of events, perhaps accuse you of twisting their words or misinterpreting their behavior, or being excessively emotional and not thinking about things rationally. They will be sweet and kind just long enough for you to think everything is fine, and then find a way to hurt you again - and then blame you for their actions.
Given enough time, gaslighting can lead you to questioning everything you think is true, and believing the other person over your own memory. This can make it extremely hard to break away from them.
Remember: Another person’s behavior, cruelty, harsh words, or anger is their responsibility and not yours.
8. Threats and Guilt Tripping
When a predator feels like they are losing you, they may say anything it takes to try to force you to stay. They may threaten you, your friends, or your family, or they may threaten to hurt themselves or commit suicide. They might even tell you that you are responsible for what they do if you leave. These are extreme forms of manipulation, and predators may try to make you believe that they are normal parts of a relationship.
If someone threatens to hurt themselves to try to force you to do something, the best thing you can do is to call 9-1-1 (or your country’s equivalent). If someone is really a threat to themselves, they need professional help. And if they aren’t, if they’re just trying to control you, this will show them that their tactic will not work on you.
Remember: People who make threats of harm to themselves or to you are severely unstable and you need to stop communicating with them ASAP. You are not qualified and should either refer them to help or protect yourself.
Safe Vs. Unsafe Relationships
A safe and healthy relationship should make you feel: happy, loved, confident, peaceful, safe, open to communication, free to be yourself, able to discuss the relationship with friends and family without fear, and encourage your self-esteem.
If a relationship makes you feel: insecure, unsafe, afraid to speak up, anxious, going through extreme emotions, depression, low-self esteem, pressured to do things you don’t feel comfortable doing, forced to stop doing things you enjoy, forced to stop talking to people - then it’s not a healthy relationship.
If you feel the need to play detective with a partner then it is most likely a sign that you need to move on. If you are afraid of your partner then you are in an unhealthy relationship.
How To Get Help - What To Do If You’re In An Unsafe Relationship
Track signs of abuse. Relationship abuse can take many forms whether emotional, psychological, or physical. If you are feeling uncomfortable or threatened think about why and note it down somewhere (in a journal, on a piece of paper, in your email, etc) with as much detail as possible. This can help establish a pattern of abuse.
Who are your resources for help? This can include community moderators. Who are the moderators or community leaders? Ask several people who they would go to with a problem and then ask a few of those individuals if you can talk to them.
It’s imperative to go to more than one person because in the case of Mod edit: Content removed anyone who went to him for advice or help was not helped at all. Indeed, in some cases people will belittle your concerns or defend the bad behavior or actions of their friends. It’s important to go to a person who you feel comfortable trusting or who has a neutral or objective authority.
You may feel shame, embarrassment or guilt going to a person for help. In this case you may also do a hypothetical question or example or anecdote. For example, you may bring up in a private or public forum, “Hey my friend’s partner said X to them and they feel very uncomfortable,” to see how other people react and respond. In some cases, this may also alert the predator that you are not alone\vulnerable and they may back off. It may also make them angry or upset and conflictive so be careful and protect yourself.
Something that younger users may do is force the predator to reconsider or back off by stating things like “My parent watches this account and sees everything I message.” There are actual child protection programs that allow parents to monitor their children’s online activities and also monitor their phone texts and location. Mentioning this as a reality of your life or online use can cause predators to back off.
Further Resources
24-hour US National Domestic Violence Hotlines.
Pew Research Center. Online Harassment 2017.
Washington Post. What is Catfishing: A brief and sordid history.
TED Talks Topic: The Harmful Effects of Online Abuse.
Psychology Today. 8 Steps to Improving Your Self Esteem.
ODPHP. Help Someone In An Unhealthy Relationship: Quick Tips.
University of Oxford. Depression, self, and self-esteem.
Good Choices, Good Life. 8 Common Causes of Low Self-Esteem.
Note from the author: I think perhaps emphasizing this, " Someone exhibiting one or two of these may not be a threat, but if you find you are talking to someone who checks many of these boxes, it is a good idea to talk to a friend or other trusted player about your concerns. "
All of the information in this lecture was sourced from online reputable sources that are listed below:
On What is Harassment\Sexual Harassment Online
https://www.unc.edu/courses/2010spring/law/357c/001/internetharassment/internet-harassment.html
http://employment.findlaw.com/employment-discrimination/understanding-on-line-sexual-harassment.html
On Grooming
https://internetsafety101.org/grooming
https://www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/child-abuse-and-neglect/grooming/
http://www.inhope.org/gns/internet-concerns/overview-of-the-problem/online-grooming.aspx
https://www.generationnext.com.au/2012/04/tips-to-stop-online-stalking-grooming/
On Catfishing
https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/anthropology-in-practice/catfishing-the-truth-about-deception-online/
http://www.slate.com/blogs/browbeat/2013/01/18/catfish_meaning_and_definition_term_for_online_hoaxes_has_a_surprisingly.html
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/arts-and-entertainment/wp/2016/01/09/what-is-catfishing-a-brief-and-sordid-history/?utm_term=.c7f7af69b09e
http://consumer.findlaw.com/online-scams/what-is-catfishing.html
Identifying Unsafe Relationships Online
https://youngwomenshealth.org/2013/09/13/safety-in-relationships/
http://ssa.uchicago.edu/keeping-relationship-emotionally-safe
https://internetsafety101.org/predatorsrisk
http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/10-ways-to-avoid-falling-victim-to-online-dating-predators-dangers-safety-a6915301.html
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sense-and-sensitivity/201311/the-top-10-traits-unsafe-people
Thanks for taking time to weigh in.
