NationStates Issues **SPOILER ALERT**
Posted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 9:25 am
#1440: Dungeons and Deaths [Frieden-und Freudenland; ed: Pogaria]
The Issue
Dustin Wiseau, the Prime Minister of Brancaland, recently gave a speech at the Nonviolent Objective Police Integrity Group Summit, where he encouraged the international community to investigate the "suspiciously high" rate of suicides and accidental deaths for detainees under @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ police custody.
The Debate
1. "Whaaat? Why do we get blamed for a couple of suicidal thugs and a few isolated accidents?" snorts @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a police sergeant from @@CAPITAL@@. "Just yesterday a stupid teenage shoplifter threw himself out of a fourth floor window at our headquarters. Clearly, his guilt was too much to bear. These scoundrels would rather give up the ghost than the criminal life. We need to make our detention centers suicide-proof: ensure there aren't any ropes or belts lying around, remove sharp objects, and relocate cells to the ground floor so nobody can fall down the stairs. Increase our funding, and it shall be done."
2. "Well, the psychology of many offenders is clearly quite disturbed, so no wonder they are suicidal," pontificates @@RANDOM_FIRST_NAME@@ Shrink, a self-employed psychiatrist. "We could easily solve this problem if the government hired psychiatrists to provide therapy to people in detention. We could talk them out of suicide and maybe even prevent recidivism."
3. "I'm sorry, but why don't you accept your shortcomings for once and seek improvement?" suggests @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the Brancalandian ambassador, while reviewing a stack of reports. "Our Prime Minister has made an acute observation. No sane person will believe that these people 'fell down five flights of stairs' or 'intentionally strangled themselves with a pair of handcuffs'. And what about this other fellow whose cause of death is listed as 'accidental ingestion of pen during interrogation'? Clearly, some of your officers tend to use incommensurate force on detainees. You should publicly apologize to the victims and put your officers in a comprehensive retraining program. We could even help you with the curriculum."
4. "What a shameless insult!" roars @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Minister of War, crumpling up the newspaper containing Dustin Wiseau's statement. "This is obviously another Brancalandian conspiracy to meddle with our domestic affairs and make us look like barbarians on the international arena. I say it is time to make these mapleheads pay for their transgressions. Give me permission to lob a few missiles at them, and maybe they'll stop spreading baseless rumors about us!"
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#1441: Don't Burn Baby Don't Burn [Apabeossie; ed: Electrum]
The Issue
Yesterday, a house in @@CAPITAL@@ City caught fire while two young children were inside. Firefighters rescued the children, who were found hiding from the flames in a closet, before it was too late.
The Debate
1. "Children who are unfamiliar with fire instinctively hide from it," says Fire Chief @@RANDOM_FIRST_NAME@@, holding up a weighty fire safety manual titled Fires: They're Not Lit. "We've even seen situations where kids have hidden from uniformed firefighters. You should add fire safety to the national curriculum and provide grants for fire departments to visit schools so that we can teach kids how to escape fires."
2. "Wait, the parents left children ALONE at home?" cries @@RANDOM_NAME@@, while ignoring his leashed-up toddlers who are sticking their slimy hands into your sweets jar. "If these kids were not left home alone, they would have never needed rescuing! Children should always be supervised by at least one adult guardian at all times who can rescue them from emergencies. It's the only way to keep them safe. Also, parents should be charged with child neglect if their children are left unaccompanied."
3. "You know, a fire can't get out of control when nothing in the house can burn," says pyrophobe @@RANDOM_NAME@@, decked out in a fire proximity suit and wearing a fire extinguisher on her back like a diving tank. "Just mandate that all, yes all, household objects be fire resistant. That way fires can't spread as quick, and children will be less likely to face life or death situations... at least, not ones related to fires. Here, I've brought a new fireproof suit for you. You look good in yellow fluoro. Very slimming."
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#1442: A Green Bill of Health [Candensia; ed: Electrum]
The Issue
An outbreak of huanglongbing, a disease that causes citrus fruit to turn green and die, nearly wiped out all of @@NAME@@'s orange crop before it was contained. Investigators have determined that the outbreak originated from contaminated fruit brought by overseas travelers.
The Debate
1. "We're at code blood orange here," reports Minister of Agriculture @@RANDOM_NAME@@ from the ministry's 'citruation room'. "Our nation's delicate ecosystem is constantly under threat from foreign diseases that can seriously harm our flora and fauna. Strict regulations must dictate which food products are allowed into @@NAME@@. If someone refuses to let customs officers confiscate prohibited items, they'll have to make like a banana and split right back to where they came from."
*2. "A strategy like that sounds sensible, but our agriculture would still be susceptible to rot from within," counters geneticist @@RANDOM_NAME@@, who recently grew flies with eyes on their wings. "It takes only one breach for there to be another outbreak. The government should sponsor a large-scale gene editing program so that the next generation of crops and livestock won't even blink at exotic diseases. While we're at it, we can improve them in other ways as well. You know, I've always wanted to make a chicken glow in the dark." [Must not have compulsory vegetarianism]
*3. "A strategy like that sounds sensible, but our agriculture would still be susceptible to rot from within," counters geneticist @@RANDOM_NAME@@, who recently grew flies with eyes on their wings. "It takes only one breach for there to be another outbreak. The government should sponsor a large-scale gene editing program so that the next generation of crops won't even blink at exotic diseases. While we're at it, we can improve them in other ways as well. You know, I've always wanted to eat glow-in-the-dark cherries." [Must have compulsory vegetarianism]
4. "Woah... dude, aren't plants supposed to be green?" asks hippy herbalist @@RANDOM_NAME@@, who imports the Sedji berry 'superfood'. "Let's encourage our plants and animals to build their natural immunity by exposing them to these diseases from abroad — just like a pox party. After all, it's worked just fine in nature for millions of years and stuff."
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#1443: Forage and Forget [Candensia; ed: Frieden-und Freudenland]
The Issue
The @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ Botanical Society has reported a sharp decline in wild herb populations due to over-collection, resulting in a blossoming debate over foraging rules.
The Debate
1. "It's thyme to root for our herbs!" reads the sign carried by botanist Rose Marie, who is brushing some thistles off her pants. "Our plants are cruelly uprooted to be gluttonously eaten, greedily sold, or even used by hikers as improvised toilet paper! We cannot afford to let our native species become extinct, just because they look appealing to wipe with! We should impose limits on foraging for all plant species to safeguard our flora and my - I mean our - botanical research."
2. "Will my daughter need a flower picking permit?" snaps Basil Nettles, the host of the Cuisine Without Culture podcast. "And what's next, a lawnmower ban? What a joke! Plenty depend on wild herbs for food security or to supplement their income, not to mention to spruce up their bland food, and extensive regulation would leave them eating dirt. Let me give you some sage advice: foragers should have the right to roam free and collect as many wild berries and herbs as they like."
3. "Over-regulation is bad for the economy, but so is extinction," reports Deputy Commerce Minister Al O'Vera. "Especially if, say, the exterminated herb has medicinal properties - @@NAME@@ would lose out on any health benefits, and the ability to profit off of it! So how about this? Let's identify economically and medicinally important plants, then preserve them in national botanical gardens and herbaria. That way, even if foragers go wild, the nation still flowers."
4. "Plants deserve to blossom freely, not be pent-up in a stuffy greenhouse," interjects Cory Andrea Parsley, the chairwoman of the local neighborhood beautification council, dropping a bag of seeds on your desk. "We should give free seeds to all hikers and encourage them to spread them around while they are walking. Soon enough we will have a rampant vegetation to offset the loss from free foraging."
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#1444: Trouble in Deed [Cretox State; ed: Pogaria]
The Issue
During a photo op in a fairly upscale neighborhood of @@CAPITAL@@, you notice a surprising number of abandoned houses dotting nearly every street. According to the painfully grinning woman whose baby you're kissing, the properties are still owned by @@DEMONYM_PLURAL@@ expats who emigrated to various other countries, often decades ago.
The Debate
1. "Are these decrepit buildings a blight on the place? You betcha!" remarks the ever-smiling woman, who happens to be a City Councilor, wrestling your Minister of Public Relations over the baby. "It's not just here, either. My colleagues tell me that cities across @@NAME@@ are dealing with this plague, and it's getting in the way of the plans for our new megamall, dontcha know. Local governments need broad authority to step in and seize buildings that aren't being used, so that they can be auctioned or demolished. Now can I have my baby back? I've got a hotdish in the oven."
2. "You can't do that!" screeches your rarely seen Minister of Sanity, crawling out of the woodwork of a nearby house. "Imagine what would happen if we let some mayor seize property just because it isn't being used, especially if that property is owned by expats who might have dual citizenship! Do you want an international incident on our hands? The government needs to do things by the book, and not stir up any trouble. Instead, let's try to contact every person that owns unused property here, and ask if they'd be willing to sell."
3. "What happens in @@NAME@@ stays in @@NAME@@!" declares vagrant @@RANDOM_NAME@@, loading a bulging stack of boxes into a shopping cart. "As far as anyone's concerned, the people owning these properties have ceased to exist. Us local folk could really use them houses for living, social gatherings, and steali- er, borrowing anything not nailed down. If the owners come back, you can just give the land back to them. What've you got to lose?"
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#1445: The Dialectics of Dialects [GeodesicDragon; ed: Frieden-und Freudenland]
The Issue
A few days ago, a tourist from Brancaland was hospitalized due to a severe allergic reaction after ingesting street food in @@ANIMAL@@ City. It turned out he had asked the local vendor about the ingredients, but had been unable to understand her heavily accented reply. The incident has stirred up a debate over what to do about the wildly different dialects of @@NATION@@.
The Debate
1. "Everywhere I go, I see tourists struggling to understand the many different dialects in use in this country," moans @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Tourism Minister. "So, how about we help them by printing a guidebook? That way, the tourists and the locals can communicate with each other more easily. Plus, profits from the sale of the book would obviously benefit the national treasury, right?"
2. "Och, awa' ye go wi' that rubbish!" scoffs @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a resident of a city in the far north of @@NATION@@. "We dinnae need tae be panderin' tae yon tourists; if they cannae understaund wit it is we're saying, then dae ye really think they shid be comin' here tae begin with?" He taps his head with a finger. "Think on, @@LEADER@@, think on."
3. "I reckon banning tourists for not being able to speak the dialects is a downright preposterous idea," splutters @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Minister of Education. "It is high time that we formed a committee of linguists and dialectologists to develop a new curriculum to make sure every citizen ditches their vernacular language and learns the standard variety instead. This will make language instruction much easier, both for our own students and for foreign learners."
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#1446: Yet Another Issue About Periods [Baggieland; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
The Issue
Your niece has been berating your Secretary of State on her Twitcher account, accusing him of making her feel uneasy by his use of full stops in his text messages. She claims they indicate that the sender is annoyed at the recipient and that the full stop should no longer be considered as proper usage. Once a quiet chat has been had with the 55-year-old about why he's texting your 16-year-old niece in the first place, a conversation begins about your niece's ideas.
The Debate
1. Your niece DMs you, despite the fact that she's only just across the room: smh, your messages are all so Formal And Proper... were basically having a conversation rn, so you should write like youre actually speaking out loud – add some *emphasis* and cut out those full stops, i mean, have you heard anyone speak every sentence with a flat inflection? while your at it, you should fr make everyone over 30 attend texting literacy class, yall gotta learn somehow
2. "I've never heard such nonsense," proclaims Professor Phileas Ogaria, the nation's foremost authority on punctuation. "Proper pedagogical procedures necessitate principles of punctuation, and every youth should be carefully considering how to conform correctly. If children cannot accurately use a semicolon by the time they leave kindergarten, then there's no hope for them."
3. "Ancient Maxtopia had a way around this problem," states archaeologist @@RANDOM_NAME@@, as she chisels away at your desk. "They used hieroglyphs to communicate the written word, and didn't punctuate at all. Imagine if we adopted a similar pictorial script that portrays modern @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ life; there'd be no more arguments over whether the writing needs a semicolon or a colon, and the younger @@DEMONYM_PLURAL@@ will feel a lot less threatened."
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#1447: The Lowest Form of Wit [Frieden-und Freudenland; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
The Issue
Rosalia Fallon, your Minister of Health, became a target of criticism when she responded to a political opponent's colorful insults by saying "Maybe you should consider rinsing your dirty mouth with bleach. It might even help you get rid of that bad breath." Unfortunately, some citizens took this as actual advice that this would work as a treatment for their own stinky exhalations, and have been hospitalized with painful injuries.
The Debate
1. "Look, it is not my problem that some people in this country aren't the sharpest knives in the drawer," sneers Fallon, throwing her arms up in exasperation. "Sarcasm, people! It shouldn't be so hard to understand. Even my 5-year-old niece got the joke. I guess the proles must be so adept at comprehending rhetorical devices because of our robustly funded education system, and you DON'T need to spend more on that. That was me being sarcastic again, in case you missed it. Yeesh."
2. "Nonsense, people holding public office need to have full accountability for their statements," says Agnes Mann, popping a handful of breath mints. "If the Health Minister herself comes up and says 'use bleach for bad breath', who am I to doubt her authority? I mean, can you imagine if a world leader was to suggest injecting bleach? Not that anyone but a blithering baby-brained wibbling idiot would ever suggest such a thing, but still, can you imagine the potential harm? We need to ban sarcasm and all forms of linguistic ambiguity from political discourse and censure this minister for jeopardizing our lives!"
3. "Banning sarcasm? No way! This actually gives me a great idea!" exclaims Dave Skinner, your Minister of Alternative Solutions, rubbing his hands excitedly. "If anything, we should encourage our party members to employ as much equivocation in their speeches as possible, so they have plausible deniability if a statement of theirs falls flat. Did you make an unfortunate remark about Bigtopians? Just say it was sarcasm, problem solved!"
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#1448: A Seat Quite Vacant Is a Seat Distressed [SherpDaWerp; ed: Pogaria]
The Issue
Just yesterday, @@RANDOM_FIRST_NAME1@@ @@RANDOM_LAST_NAME1@@ — the elected representative for Upper @@ANIMAL@@ville — tragically died while giving a speech at a hospital construction site when an entire wall collapsed on top of her. Unfortunately, various laws passed in different eras have conflicting instructions in the event of a politician's death, causing trepidation amongst the local voters.
The Debate
1. "The easiest solution would be for you to personally appoint an 'interim representative', someone to act in her stead — just until the next election," posits @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a devoted supporter of your party. "It wouldn't be long — our elections are pretty regular, right? — and it would save the hassle and cost of holding a special election. As it happens, I know just the right candidate..."
2. "It seems to me that the person who was elected should have the right to pick their successor, if they are unable to finish their term," declares @@RANDOMMALEFIRSTNAME@@ @@RANDOM_LAST_NAME1@@, the son of the deceased representative. "Presumably, they would choose someone who was of like mind, and could be counted on to continue supporting their predecessor's agenda. If the new person turns out to be a dud, they would surely be voted out at the next election. Just require all elected officials to write down their preferred replacement on some sort of notarized form, and the problem would be solved."
3. "HELP, HELP, I'M BEING REPRESSED!" melodramatically screams @@RANDOM_NAME@@, an independent candidate famously opposed to the formation of political parties. "Strange coroners sitting in offices distributing death certificates is no basis for a system of government! Just have a by-election, the same as any other proper democratic country. No one knows who's the next candidate the people might want, so we'll have to put it to the people to find out!"
4. "Actually, I know exactly who the people want," states @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the most recent opposition candidate for the seat. "Me! I had the next most votes, and in the event of an elected official's untimely passing, the runner-up should be given the job. Surely, that's the best way to respect the will of the people — or at least 37% of them."
5. "Pffft. So she's dead. That doesn't affect me!" derides @@RANDOM_NAME@@, who lives in a nearby district. "You always forget about us Lower @@ANIMAL@@ville folks. Those toffs from Upper @@ANIMAL@@ville get all the funding, and we get squat! They can do without an elected representative for a little while. That'll teach them."
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#1449: Annie Get Your Gun [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
The Issue
When mother-of-twins Annie @@RANDOM_LAST_NAME@@ was held up at gunpoint by a mugger, she immediately surrendered all her cash and jewellery, rather than risk the lives of her ten-year-old boys. Shockingly, not only had she not attempted to use lethal force to defend her family, but she had also left her one and only shotgun on the kitchen table at home.
The Debate
1. "Owning a gun is compulsory for a good reason," points out your Minister for Personal Defence, adjusting her H&K MP5K holster to stop it from catching on her backslung C14 Timberwolf sniper rifle. "But what's the point in compulsory ownership if you don't carry your weapon? As far as I'm concerned, failing to carry a proper deterrent makes Ms Clarke culpable for inciting violence. Citizens have a duty to pack heat whenever they leave the home. An armed populace is a safe populace!"
2. "I'm sorry, I just had so much stuff to carry with the kids' spare clothes and snacks and school bags and all the rest," weeps the deeply ashamed young mom. "I know I shoulda been packin' heat, I know it, but it's just so hard to do so every hour of the day! Have some mercy, guvmint man, and maybe put more gun-totin' police on the streets to keep us safe when our hands are full."
3. "Where was the man of the family in all this, eh?" yells @@RANDOM_NAME@@, before pausing as someone whispers in his ear informing him that the lady is a recent widow from gun-related street crime. "Oh... uh... right. But what about these two twins? They're both the men of the family now, and morally responsible for protecting the weaker sex!"
4. "Hrmm... Did we...?" wonders Minister of Bookkeeping @@RANDOM_NAME@@ as he leafs through the statute books. "Oops, yes we did. Looks like we accidentally used the word 'must' instead of 'may' here when we made that last change to the law about firearm ownership. You want I should fix it again, like some sort of second amendment to the bill?"
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#1450: Driving @@LEADER@@ [Avaerilon; ed: Pogaria]
The Issue
After many years of faithful service, your current vehicle broke down on the highway this morning, forcing you to squeeze into the back of a police car like a common hoodlum in order to get to work. To avoid any further embarrassments, your advisors have asked you to pick a new state car to whisk you to-and-fro when required.
The Debate
1. "Look, that old barge was pretty, but it might not have been adequate if there was a bomb attack!" proclaims General @@RANDOM_NAME@@, gesturing wildly and getting uncomfortably close to your face. "What we need to protect you is a state-of-the-art military vehicle. I'm talking 10cm thick carbon-ceramic armour, missile launchers, gun nests, and plenty of room for a squad of special forces operatives. Let's make something no enemy of the state would dare even look funny at, let alone consider attacking!"
2. Suddenly, your windows are shaken by what sounds like the bellow of a wild animal as eccentric TV star and car enthusiast Clark Jeremysson revs the engine of his Berrari Forza-Azzurri, then proceeds to address you using a megaphone. "Your people judge you based on what you're driving. How on earth can they connect with you on a personal level if you're riding around in a hybrid battlecruiser-tank thing? You should get something fast and exciting — a proper supercar — and drive it yourself. Show everyone that you're a real take-charge leader who goes wherever you want, at whatever speed you want. People will love it!"
3. "Heaven forbid that such an uncouth brute should influence Your Excellency," sputters @@RANDOM_NAME@@, head of sales at Bolls-Boyce, bowing low and taking off @@HIS@@ hat. "My dear, the vehicle that served you was very fine indeed, but fear not, for we can make a more luxurious replacement at our coachbuilding studio that will be far superior to the pedestrian wares offered by Maxcedes and Barryan Motor Works. If you would be so kind as to tell me your preferred leather suppleness and decanter temperature, my master craftsmen can get to work post-haste."
4. "Why waste taxpayer money on an expensive limousine when you can set an example of frugality?" questions your Minister of Anti-Corruption, who also happens to be your niece. "Just drive whatever's available, like one of the compact cars in the government's vehicle pool. They're all made by General Chassis, right here in @@NAME@@. It'll help reduce government spending, while demonstrating your support for the local automotive industry."
5. You think you're finished, but then a scraggly hippy who had appeared to be a large bush stands up and starts moving in your direction. "Like, dude... it's you, man! I always thought you were cool! Hey, listen, I want to rap with you about something. Like, cars are so last century, dude! The people will totally be down with it if you just... like, walk everywhere. Imagine, you with a sweet poncho and a stick, totally in sync with Mother Earth, just walking to... wherever it is you go. Maybe it'll put out good vibrations and change some minds about pollution and saving the world!"
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#1451: A Dread Letter [Frieden-und Freudenland; ed: The Free Joy State]
The Issue
Today, among your mail, a black envelope with a pentagram on it caught your eye. You opened the envelope, and the letter inside said: "Blessed Chosen One, I am happy to inform you that you have just been granted the Opportunity to Change Your Life. The magnificent energy of the cosmos is waiting to surround you. If you copy this letter and send it to 100 other people, you will be granted ONE HUNDRED blessings for ONE HUNDRED days. But! If you spurn these gifts — YOU will be CURSED FOREVER. Choose wisely!"
The Debate
1. "This is a disaster!" whimpers your secretary @@RANDOM_NAME@@, looping @@HIS@@ four-leaf clover pendant around your neck and knocking on your wooden desk repeatedly. "I had a friend in elementary school who failed to pass on a chain letter she received, and she came down with terrible chickenpox afterwards. This is no joking matter, @@LEADER@@. You should immediately start making copies and sending them out if you want to protect yourself from harm."
2. "I'd bet my bottom @@CURRENCY@@ that this is just another teenage prankster," muses police officer @@RANDOM_NAME@@, inspecting the envelope with a magnifying glass to check for fingerprints. "But we ought not let this scoundrel waste your precious time with this nonsense. Grant my department permission to track down and punish the senders of anonymous letters composed with the criminal intent to frighten or defraud." He tosses the letter to one side, accidentally knocking a small mirror off your desk.
3. "If anything, this shows you're not taking your personal security seriously enough, @@LEADER@@!" yells bodyguard @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a former army officer, who has perused the letter and is now patrolling the vicinity. "What if that scumbag had sent anthrax in that envelope? Or what if someone had sent you a bomb in a gift parcel? You should mandate that all mail in @@NATION@@ should be sent in see-through bags. Those who have nothing to hide cannot object to full transparency."
4. "Holy @@ANIMAL@@! I can't believe we spent an entire morning discussing a stupid chain letter!" chortles @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Minister of Underhanded Solutions. "But, if these letters are so unsettling, this gives me a brilliant idea. Why not produce different versions of such dreadful letters and send them to our political opponents? Distracting them in this way could be a good strategy for psychological warfare."
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#1452: Hello Darkness My Old Friend [Valentine Z; ed: Electrum]
The Issue
@@NATION@@ ground to a halt after a nationwide blackout resulted in dark street lamps, traffic jams and melted ice creams. It was caused by the country having insufficient fuel to generate electricity, with the bulk of the fuel being exported due to long-term supply contracts.
The Debate
1. "I've come to talk with you again," pesters @@RANDOM_FEMALE_NAME@@ Simon, your Minister of Energy, @@HIS@@ figure barely visible in the naked candlelight. "The nation has enough fossil fuel reserves to power itself. However, corporations like Conch and Epsilon Mobil are profiting from their export rather than ensuring our country has enough electricity! Nationalise them and tear up the contracts so that our power plants always have enough fuel. The companies have been given too much free rein on our resources and we don't need their technical expertise anymore."
2. "Nationalisation is like a cancer that grows," says Conch Chief Extraction Officer @@RANDOM_NAME@@ Garfunkel. "By nationalising, you're creating an inefficient government-run company that will be vulnerable to corruption. You're also going to be losing a long-term source of tax revenue by walking away from our contracts. Instead, you should approve drilling in that natural gas field we've always wanted to develop near @@CAPITAL@@. That way, there'll be more than enough fuel to meet our export obligations and your electricity generators' needs."
3. "If we can no longer rely on power plants to provide electricity, why don't you let us generate it ourselves?" asks an off-the-grid citizen completing his fortnightly run for loo rolls and gum. "See, I have this big diesel generator at home which is powering the local area during the blackout. There were some noise and pollution complaints at first, but the neighbours aren't objecting now. It would be an easy change too, just dismantle the energy networks and pay us little guys to distribute energy locally."
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#1453: A Salt and Battery [Candensia; ed: Pogaria]
The Issue
Electric cars have vastly reduced air pollution in @@NAME@@. However, this has accompanied a surge in demand for lithium, a scarce element primarily obtained through heavy mining. As lithium salts are a critical component in electric vehicle batteries, your advisers fear a shortage could cripple electric car manufacturers and the @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ lifestyle.
The Debate
1. "Without additional lithium, there could be a lot more horse-drawn carts on the roads, or even worse, gas guzzlers!" exclaims resource analyst @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "But don't worry, @@NAME@@ has plenty of untapped lithium deposits! The biggest ones just, uh, happen to be located in pristine nature reserves. Anyway, not using our own natural resources would make us dumber than a box of rocks. Give the mining industry the go-ahead to expand lithium extraction operations; it'll keep our cars cheap and skies beautiful."
2."Doesn't mining defeat the purpose of electric cars?" asks trade official @@RANDOM_NAME@@ while eating from a lunchbox that is clearly labeled 'Property of the Maxtopian Embassy'. "Rather than destroy our own environment, let somebody else destroy theirs. Dump lithium extraction in @@NAME@@, and instead rely on cheap imports from dirt-poor countries like Kawandaland. There'd hardly be any downsides. Well, I mean, the mining sector obviously wouldn't like it, we might shed a job or two, and there could be supply disruptions whenever Kawandaland goes through a coup, but electric car manufacturers will be jumping for joy!"
3."Lithium-ion batteries power tons of often-tossed electronics," yaps @@CAPITAL@@-area sanitation director @@RANDOM_NAME@@, who is wearing a T-shirt with the slogan 'Garbage In, Treasure Out'. "We can reuse that lithium if we expand recycling infrastructure to accommodate the extra rubbish. Now look, this garbage idea has a catch — lithium recycling can't beat mining in terms of output — so there'd be less of the stuff to go around. However, if we reduced lithium demand by hiking taxes on automobiles and electronics while also encouraging use of mass transit, we'd be able to make it work."
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#1454: Poplar Opinion [Honeydewistania, ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
The Issue
As a symbol of historic cultural ties, the nation of Brancaland has gifted @@NAME@@ a dozen Brancalandian Spiked Aspen trees. These were ceremonially planted in the famed Jellostain National Park. Unfortunately, it's now been discovered that the trees are host to a parasitic fungi endemic to Brancaland, which is now spreading and ravaging the local woodland.
The Debate
1. "Let's not panic!" says one of your diplomats, panicking. "Brancaland had good intentions, but we need to contain the spread before the entire nation is infected. Luckily the fungal infestation is only in this part of the park, so let's enclose the section with the trees with a glass bio-dome, and allow access only to a select few. We can import more Brancalandian flora and dedicate the arboretum to our nations' enduring friendship."
2. "You don't know what this fungus can do," flatly states Forestry Commission Warrant Officer Elaine Wipley, with the look of a shell-shocked veteran. "If one of those spores gets out there, that's it! Taking off and nuking the site from orbit is the only way to be sure. No? Well, at the very least, you need to send the army in with flamethrowers, to burn everything in a three-mile radius."
3. "It's too late for the park," whispers General Cody 'Iron Eyes' de Corti, shedding a single tear as he surveys the devastation. "They destroyed our park; we can destroy theirs too. You should allow us to covertly release the @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ Destroying Angel Fungi over the Brancalandian pine forests. Let the invaders feel our pain."
4. "Fungus is Good, repeat with me, Fungus is Good," intones eccentric mycologist Innsmouth Yugov offering you a strange-smelling bowl of mushroom stew. "Let the blessed fungus spread freely. In fact, deliberately spread it to every forest in @@NAME@@. Do it or there will be truffle, I mean trouble. The blessed mycelium will give strength to our nation as it infiltrates our soil. You understand? Yes. Me go, now. Me go." He hands you a mysterious book, then chants in an indecipherable language.
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#1455: Trademarks Make Their Mark on Marketing [Noahs Second Country; ed: Pogaria]
The Issue
Zeerocks, a @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ company known for manufacturing photocopiers, has recently come into conflict with a corporation in the mostly harmless nation of Merovingia that makes a similar product. The Merovingian company has been using the common phrase 'zeerocksing' in their advertising and packaging, even though Zeerocks owns the trademark for the term. The inevitable legal dispute has now come to national attention.
The Debate
1. "@@LEADER@@, it is essential that this term remains exclusive to the products and services of our company," claims a sharply dressed representative from Zeerocks, handing out zeerocksed packets of heavily laminated legal documentation to everyone in close proximity. "When direct competitors use the term to describe the services that we exclusively offer, consumers begin to associate the term with photocopying, which zeerocksing simply is not. Furthermore, we have legally registered this trademark and should have full rights to control its use."
2. A sophisticated-looking executive from Merovingian Minolta directs your attention to her slideshow presentation. "As we can see here, photocopying involves the same exact process as zeerocksing. It is preposterous to use multiple terms for the same exact action, and makes no sense for a company to be able to own a commonly used word. Therefore, since the Zeerocks trademark is already a generic term, anyone should be able to use it."
3. "We might as well rip off the band-aid now," claims your Minister of Abrupt Solutions, while using a sharpie to write notes on some post-its. "This case is a dumpster fire of complex trademark laws, and I bet we'll see a plethora of new cases no matter who wins this lawsuit. It's as clear as plexiglass that we need to abolish all existing trademark laws, so that this doesn't hoover up all of our legal system's resources. Now does anyone have an aspirin? My head feels like someone hit it with a thermos."
4. "That is just going to cause even more confusion," drones Xanatos Vajiralongkorn, whose gray suit matches his gray demeanor. "Why do we need branding in the first place? All of this marketing is just another way for the big, rich corporations to control the public. You should require all products to be sold in monocolored packaging with no graphics or brand names on them."
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#1456: Weather Report: It's Not Graining In East Lebatuck [Fauxia; ed: Electrum]
The Issue
East Lebatuck, one of the largest 'second world' nations, is in the midst of a famine. It does not typically trade with @@NAME@@ due to its suspicion of capitalism. However, because of the famine, the 'Iron Giant of Communism' wants to purchase large quantities of foodstuffs, particularly grain, from @@NAME@@.
The Debate
1. "We're going to have a field day!" gasps your Treasury Minister, grasping the gravity of the situation. "Imagine the headlines — 'Great Groat! East Lebatuck Grovels to Graceful @@NAME@@ to Gratify its Grain Grievances'. Every sale we make to East Lebatuck is proof that free markets work and communism does not. You've got to encourage this trade — provide subsidies to corporations that do business with East Lebatuck, and we'll show the world who's really won the cold war."
2. "See what I'm doing here?" asks advisor @@RANDOM_NAME@@, rubbing @@HIS/HER@@ middle finger on @@HIS/HER@@ wrist. "I'm playing the world's smallest violin. The best way to show capitalist superiority is to let this evil empire face the consequences of its communist folly and let it starve. They can ask our noble corporations for grain once they open up to free enterprise in their country. Which, let's face it, will be never."
3. "Dear leader, don't listen to these commissars. This is not an opportunity to showboat," advises communist sympathizer @@RANDOM_NAME@@, wearing a red pin of East Lebatuck Chairman Joseph Rushev on @@HIS/HER@@ lapel. "Starving people is not cool, man. So how about you treat this like a humanitarian problem and send free grain with no strings attached? In return, we pinky promise not to throw you into the gulag when this capitalist state inevitably crumbles."
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#1457: Use the Farce, @@LEADER@@ [Pogaria; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
The Issue
After taking your niece to see Cosmic Conflicts: Episode XII — A New Ennui, your Census Director runs up to you in the parking lot, shouting that large numbers of people are putting false information on their census forms.
The Debate
1. "Orange Alert, @@LEADER@@! We have a Level 3 census emergency!" Your confused look gives him pause. "Did you not memorize the color-coded Demographics Alert System that I sent you? Our census has a question about religious affiliation, but far too many people aren't taking it seriously. They're just listing fictional religions, like Jeday and Frisbeetarianism. We must track down every one of these reprobates and question them at great length to determine their actual religious beliefs — and fine them for listing false information on official government documents!"
2. "I am one with the Farce and the Farce is with me," chants a movie theater patron wearing brown robes, who starts swinging around a cardboard tube and making humming noises. "The ancient Jeday faith, which was revealed to us by visionary film director Jorge Toucas, is a fundamental truth in all corners of the universe. Our beliefs are genuine. I insist that you recognize this as a legitimate religion!"
*3. Another passerby wearing a strange uniform and a helmet that completely covers their face stops to listen. "Do you hear this blasphemy, @@LEADER@@? The law encourages everyone to follow @@FAITH@@. These fantasy films are a terrible influence on weak-minded citizens whose faith is shaky at best. Ban all fiction that includes any references to false religions, and send these heretics to remedial religious education classes. This is the way!" [Must not have low religiousness, > 3?]
*4. Another passerby wearing a strange uniform and a helmet that completely covers their face stops to listen. "Do you hear this superstitious nonsense, @@LEADER@@? The law discourages people from practicing religion. These fantasy films are a terrible influence on weak-minded citizens who don't have a solid scientific education. Ban all fiction that includes any references to religion, and send these ignoramuses to remedial science classes. This is the way!" [Must have low religiousness, < 3?]
*5. Another passerby wearing a strange uniform and a helmet that completely covers their face stops to listen. "Do you hear this lunacy, @@LEADER@@? These fantasy films are a terrible influence on weak-minded citizens who don't have a solid grasp on reality. Ban all fiction that includes any references to made-up religions, and send these nutjobs to a mental health specialist for a thorough psychological evaluation. This is the way!" [Policy TBD]
6. Your niece tugs on your sleeve, looking annoyed. "Why does the census even ask about religion? I know it's for statistics or whatever, but I really don't care if my friends pray to Yahvo or R'hllor or even the Overgoat! That's none of my business, and the government shouldn't be asking about it either. In fact, if we want to be progressive, the census also shouldn't ask about gender, race, ethnicity, or national origin. Instead, we should just focus on finding out fun and entertaining tidbits, like hobbies, or music tastes, or favorite cheese."
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#1458: Children of @@RELIGION@@ [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
The Issue
The secretive but economically powerful Holy Empire of Dàguó has long had a sketchy human rights record, and recently it's become clear that there is a state policy against @@RELIGION@@, which the Dàguó government has categorised as a subversive ideology. Specifically, rumours have recently surfaced that children from families of the faith are being forcibly separated from their parents, and made to attend state re-education centres for indoctrination and conversion.
The Debate
1. "The sons and daughters of @@RELIGION@@ are being ripped from the bosom of loving families," complains @@RANDOM_NAME@@, head of the @@DEMONYM@@ branch of Human Rights Watch International. "We should call for international condemnation, and enact tough trade sanctions against Dàguó. Additionally, we should offer these persecuted souls refuge, and provide help for them to travel here. We should always prioritise asylum for the children of @@RELIGION@@."
2. "@@RELIGION@@ is losing numbers, and we have to rectify that," observes your Minister of Memetic Utilitarianism. "The moral arithmetic is simple: we should locate and forcibly centralise Dàguó immigrant children within @@NAME@@, establishing a Faith Academy where they can learn to renounce their fatherland, and devote themselves to our Holy Truth."
3. "These rumours are categorically false," recites a thirteen-year-old @@BOY@@ in a plain grey concrete room, on a video recording sent to you. "Several years ago, I voluntarily attended the Dàguó Centre for Imperial Glory. I chose this path because I love our country. My comrades and I have chosen to reject @@RELIGION@@ of our own free will. We encourage @@NAME@@ to strengthen trading relations with the growing economy of Dàguó, and for our economies to mutually prosper. We remind @@NAME@@ of the mutual wealth our great nations gain from bilateral international trade. You should officially state that Dàguó is blameless in this. For the greater good."
4. "Those Dàguó folk are rascals for sure," laughs your Minister of Uncomfortable Compromises, looking worriedly over a list of Dàguó's investments in @@NAME@@. "We need to persuade them to adopt a gentler position. Maybe we could financially induce amenable faith leaders in our country to issue official statements, saying that @@RELIGION@@ endorses the Holy Empire of Dàguó. Then, Dàguó can feel safe from dissent, and we can trade with a clear conscience. This is what we call the soft power approach, @@LEADER@@. Diplomacy keeps the world turning."
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#1459: Friends With Tax Benefits [The Returners; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
The Issue
A growing number of citizens are protesting a clause in the tax code that gives an extra tax deduction for married couples.
The Debate
1. "Giving married couples extra benefits is just unfair, man," complains concerned citizen Chuck Sandler, accompanied by his longtime roommate Larry James. "With this wonky tax code, everyone just marries before tax season and immediately divorces after. There are probably statistics and stuff saying that. Besides, this is discrimination against singles. Why not allow lovers and best friends to fill out tax returns together just like married couples do?"
2. "Keeping the tax deduction for married couples is essential for maintaining the strength of the family," lectures @@RANDOM_NAME@@, leader of the conservative group Families For Society, with his wife silently nodding along in agreement. "The strength of the family is the strength of @@NATION@@! Of course, no one should desecrate the sanctity of marriage by using it solely for financial gain! The solution is simple: ban divorce. That way, if people marry just for the tax benefits, they must stay together."
3. "The real problem is that we have these tax deductions in the first place," moans your Minster of Finance, @@RANDOM_NAME@@, who has spent all morning completing his own tax return. "Complex rules leave loopholes to exploit. Just eliminate almost all tax deductions and exemptions and keep tax returns super simple."
The Issue
Dustin Wiseau, the Prime Minister of Brancaland, recently gave a speech at the Nonviolent Objective Police Integrity Group Summit, where he encouraged the international community to investigate the "suspiciously high" rate of suicides and accidental deaths for detainees under @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ police custody.
The Debate
1. "Whaaat? Why do we get blamed for a couple of suicidal thugs and a few isolated accidents?" snorts @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a police sergeant from @@CAPITAL@@. "Just yesterday a stupid teenage shoplifter threw himself out of a fourth floor window at our headquarters. Clearly, his guilt was too much to bear. These scoundrels would rather give up the ghost than the criminal life. We need to make our detention centers suicide-proof: ensure there aren't any ropes or belts lying around, remove sharp objects, and relocate cells to the ground floor so nobody can fall down the stairs. Increase our funding, and it shall be done."
2. "Well, the psychology of many offenders is clearly quite disturbed, so no wonder they are suicidal," pontificates @@RANDOM_FIRST_NAME@@ Shrink, a self-employed psychiatrist. "We could easily solve this problem if the government hired psychiatrists to provide therapy to people in detention. We could talk them out of suicide and maybe even prevent recidivism."
3. "I'm sorry, but why don't you accept your shortcomings for once and seek improvement?" suggests @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the Brancalandian ambassador, while reviewing a stack of reports. "Our Prime Minister has made an acute observation. No sane person will believe that these people 'fell down five flights of stairs' or 'intentionally strangled themselves with a pair of handcuffs'. And what about this other fellow whose cause of death is listed as 'accidental ingestion of pen during interrogation'? Clearly, some of your officers tend to use incommensurate force on detainees. You should publicly apologize to the victims and put your officers in a comprehensive retraining program. We could even help you with the curriculum."
4. "What a shameless insult!" roars @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Minister of War, crumpling up the newspaper containing Dustin Wiseau's statement. "This is obviously another Brancalandian conspiracy to meddle with our domestic affairs and make us look like barbarians on the international arena. I say it is time to make these mapleheads pay for their transgressions. Give me permission to lob a few missiles at them, and maybe they'll stop spreading baseless rumors about us!"
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#1441: Don't Burn Baby Don't Burn [Apabeossie; ed: Electrum]
The Issue
Yesterday, a house in @@CAPITAL@@ City caught fire while two young children were inside. Firefighters rescued the children, who were found hiding from the flames in a closet, before it was too late.
The Debate
1. "Children who are unfamiliar with fire instinctively hide from it," says Fire Chief @@RANDOM_FIRST_NAME@@, holding up a weighty fire safety manual titled Fires: They're Not Lit. "We've even seen situations where kids have hidden from uniformed firefighters. You should add fire safety to the national curriculum and provide grants for fire departments to visit schools so that we can teach kids how to escape fires."
2. "Wait, the parents left children ALONE at home?" cries @@RANDOM_NAME@@, while ignoring his leashed-up toddlers who are sticking their slimy hands into your sweets jar. "If these kids were not left home alone, they would have never needed rescuing! Children should always be supervised by at least one adult guardian at all times who can rescue them from emergencies. It's the only way to keep them safe. Also, parents should be charged with child neglect if their children are left unaccompanied."
3. "You know, a fire can't get out of control when nothing in the house can burn," says pyrophobe @@RANDOM_NAME@@, decked out in a fire proximity suit and wearing a fire extinguisher on her back like a diving tank. "Just mandate that all, yes all, household objects be fire resistant. That way fires can't spread as quick, and children will be less likely to face life or death situations... at least, not ones related to fires. Here, I've brought a new fireproof suit for you. You look good in yellow fluoro. Very slimming."
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#1442: A Green Bill of Health [Candensia; ed: Electrum]
The Issue
An outbreak of huanglongbing, a disease that causes citrus fruit to turn green and die, nearly wiped out all of @@NAME@@'s orange crop before it was contained. Investigators have determined that the outbreak originated from contaminated fruit brought by overseas travelers.
The Debate
1. "We're at code blood orange here," reports Minister of Agriculture @@RANDOM_NAME@@ from the ministry's 'citruation room'. "Our nation's delicate ecosystem is constantly under threat from foreign diseases that can seriously harm our flora and fauna. Strict regulations must dictate which food products are allowed into @@NAME@@. If someone refuses to let customs officers confiscate prohibited items, they'll have to make like a banana and split right back to where they came from."
*2. "A strategy like that sounds sensible, but our agriculture would still be susceptible to rot from within," counters geneticist @@RANDOM_NAME@@, who recently grew flies with eyes on their wings. "It takes only one breach for there to be another outbreak. The government should sponsor a large-scale gene editing program so that the next generation of crops and livestock won't even blink at exotic diseases. While we're at it, we can improve them in other ways as well. You know, I've always wanted to make a chicken glow in the dark." [Must not have compulsory vegetarianism]
*3. "A strategy like that sounds sensible, but our agriculture would still be susceptible to rot from within," counters geneticist @@RANDOM_NAME@@, who recently grew flies with eyes on their wings. "It takes only one breach for there to be another outbreak. The government should sponsor a large-scale gene editing program so that the next generation of crops won't even blink at exotic diseases. While we're at it, we can improve them in other ways as well. You know, I've always wanted to eat glow-in-the-dark cherries." [Must have compulsory vegetarianism]
4. "Woah... dude, aren't plants supposed to be green?" asks hippy herbalist @@RANDOM_NAME@@, who imports the Sedji berry 'superfood'. "Let's encourage our plants and animals to build their natural immunity by exposing them to these diseases from abroad — just like a pox party. After all, it's worked just fine in nature for millions of years and stuff."
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#1443: Forage and Forget [Candensia; ed: Frieden-und Freudenland]
The Issue
The @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ Botanical Society has reported a sharp decline in wild herb populations due to over-collection, resulting in a blossoming debate over foraging rules.
The Debate
1. "It's thyme to root for our herbs!" reads the sign carried by botanist Rose Marie, who is brushing some thistles off her pants. "Our plants are cruelly uprooted to be gluttonously eaten, greedily sold, or even used by hikers as improvised toilet paper! We cannot afford to let our native species become extinct, just because they look appealing to wipe with! We should impose limits on foraging for all plant species to safeguard our flora and my - I mean our - botanical research."
2. "Will my daughter need a flower picking permit?" snaps Basil Nettles, the host of the Cuisine Without Culture podcast. "And what's next, a lawnmower ban? What a joke! Plenty depend on wild herbs for food security or to supplement their income, not to mention to spruce up their bland food, and extensive regulation would leave them eating dirt. Let me give you some sage advice: foragers should have the right to roam free and collect as many wild berries and herbs as they like."
3. "Over-regulation is bad for the economy, but so is extinction," reports Deputy Commerce Minister Al O'Vera. "Especially if, say, the exterminated herb has medicinal properties - @@NAME@@ would lose out on any health benefits, and the ability to profit off of it! So how about this? Let's identify economically and medicinally important plants, then preserve them in national botanical gardens and herbaria. That way, even if foragers go wild, the nation still flowers."
4. "Plants deserve to blossom freely, not be pent-up in a stuffy greenhouse," interjects Cory Andrea Parsley, the chairwoman of the local neighborhood beautification council, dropping a bag of seeds on your desk. "We should give free seeds to all hikers and encourage them to spread them around while they are walking. Soon enough we will have a rampant vegetation to offset the loss from free foraging."
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#1444: Trouble in Deed [Cretox State; ed: Pogaria]
The Issue
During a photo op in a fairly upscale neighborhood of @@CAPITAL@@, you notice a surprising number of abandoned houses dotting nearly every street. According to the painfully grinning woman whose baby you're kissing, the properties are still owned by @@DEMONYM_PLURAL@@ expats who emigrated to various other countries, often decades ago.
The Debate
1. "Are these decrepit buildings a blight on the place? You betcha!" remarks the ever-smiling woman, who happens to be a City Councilor, wrestling your Minister of Public Relations over the baby. "It's not just here, either. My colleagues tell me that cities across @@NAME@@ are dealing with this plague, and it's getting in the way of the plans for our new megamall, dontcha know. Local governments need broad authority to step in and seize buildings that aren't being used, so that they can be auctioned or demolished. Now can I have my baby back? I've got a hotdish in the oven."
2. "You can't do that!" screeches your rarely seen Minister of Sanity, crawling out of the woodwork of a nearby house. "Imagine what would happen if we let some mayor seize property just because it isn't being used, especially if that property is owned by expats who might have dual citizenship! Do you want an international incident on our hands? The government needs to do things by the book, and not stir up any trouble. Instead, let's try to contact every person that owns unused property here, and ask if they'd be willing to sell."
3. "What happens in @@NAME@@ stays in @@NAME@@!" declares vagrant @@RANDOM_NAME@@, loading a bulging stack of boxes into a shopping cart. "As far as anyone's concerned, the people owning these properties have ceased to exist. Us local folk could really use them houses for living, social gatherings, and steali- er, borrowing anything not nailed down. If the owners come back, you can just give the land back to them. What've you got to lose?"
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#1445: The Dialectics of Dialects [GeodesicDragon; ed: Frieden-und Freudenland]
The Issue
A few days ago, a tourist from Brancaland was hospitalized due to a severe allergic reaction after ingesting street food in @@ANIMAL@@ City. It turned out he had asked the local vendor about the ingredients, but had been unable to understand her heavily accented reply. The incident has stirred up a debate over what to do about the wildly different dialects of @@NATION@@.
The Debate
1. "Everywhere I go, I see tourists struggling to understand the many different dialects in use in this country," moans @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Tourism Minister. "So, how about we help them by printing a guidebook? That way, the tourists and the locals can communicate with each other more easily. Plus, profits from the sale of the book would obviously benefit the national treasury, right?"
2. "Och, awa' ye go wi' that rubbish!" scoffs @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a resident of a city in the far north of @@NATION@@. "We dinnae need tae be panderin' tae yon tourists; if they cannae understaund wit it is we're saying, then dae ye really think they shid be comin' here tae begin with?" He taps his head with a finger. "Think on, @@LEADER@@, think on."
3. "I reckon banning tourists for not being able to speak the dialects is a downright preposterous idea," splutters @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Minister of Education. "It is high time that we formed a committee of linguists and dialectologists to develop a new curriculum to make sure every citizen ditches their vernacular language and learns the standard variety instead. This will make language instruction much easier, both for our own students and for foreign learners."
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#1446: Yet Another Issue About Periods [Baggieland; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
The Issue
Your niece has been berating your Secretary of State on her Twitcher account, accusing him of making her feel uneasy by his use of full stops in his text messages. She claims they indicate that the sender is annoyed at the recipient and that the full stop should no longer be considered as proper usage. Once a quiet chat has been had with the 55-year-old about why he's texting your 16-year-old niece in the first place, a conversation begins about your niece's ideas.
The Debate
1. Your niece DMs you, despite the fact that she's only just across the room: smh, your messages are all so Formal And Proper... were basically having a conversation rn, so you should write like youre actually speaking out loud – add some *emphasis* and cut out those full stops, i mean, have you heard anyone speak every sentence with a flat inflection? while your at it, you should fr make everyone over 30 attend texting literacy class, yall gotta learn somehow
2. "I've never heard such nonsense," proclaims Professor Phileas Ogaria, the nation's foremost authority on punctuation. "Proper pedagogical procedures necessitate principles of punctuation, and every youth should be carefully considering how to conform correctly. If children cannot accurately use a semicolon by the time they leave kindergarten, then there's no hope for them."
3. "Ancient Maxtopia had a way around this problem," states archaeologist @@RANDOM_NAME@@, as she chisels away at your desk. "They used hieroglyphs to communicate the written word, and didn't punctuate at all. Imagine if we adopted a similar pictorial script that portrays modern @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ life; there'd be no more arguments over whether the writing needs a semicolon or a colon, and the younger @@DEMONYM_PLURAL@@ will feel a lot less threatened."
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#1447: The Lowest Form of Wit [Frieden-und Freudenland; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
The Issue
Rosalia Fallon, your Minister of Health, became a target of criticism when she responded to a political opponent's colorful insults by saying "Maybe you should consider rinsing your dirty mouth with bleach. It might even help you get rid of that bad breath." Unfortunately, some citizens took this as actual advice that this would work as a treatment for their own stinky exhalations, and have been hospitalized with painful injuries.
The Debate
1. "Look, it is not my problem that some people in this country aren't the sharpest knives in the drawer," sneers Fallon, throwing her arms up in exasperation. "Sarcasm, people! It shouldn't be so hard to understand. Even my 5-year-old niece got the joke. I guess the proles must be so adept at comprehending rhetorical devices because of our robustly funded education system, and you DON'T need to spend more on that. That was me being sarcastic again, in case you missed it. Yeesh."
2. "Nonsense, people holding public office need to have full accountability for their statements," says Agnes Mann, popping a handful of breath mints. "If the Health Minister herself comes up and says 'use bleach for bad breath', who am I to doubt her authority? I mean, can you imagine if a world leader was to suggest injecting bleach? Not that anyone but a blithering baby-brained wibbling idiot would ever suggest such a thing, but still, can you imagine the potential harm? We need to ban sarcasm and all forms of linguistic ambiguity from political discourse and censure this minister for jeopardizing our lives!"
3. "Banning sarcasm? No way! This actually gives me a great idea!" exclaims Dave Skinner, your Minister of Alternative Solutions, rubbing his hands excitedly. "If anything, we should encourage our party members to employ as much equivocation in their speeches as possible, so they have plausible deniability if a statement of theirs falls flat. Did you make an unfortunate remark about Bigtopians? Just say it was sarcasm, problem solved!"
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#1448: A Seat Quite Vacant Is a Seat Distressed [SherpDaWerp; ed: Pogaria]
The Issue
Just yesterday, @@RANDOM_FIRST_NAME1@@ @@RANDOM_LAST_NAME1@@ — the elected representative for Upper @@ANIMAL@@ville — tragically died while giving a speech at a hospital construction site when an entire wall collapsed on top of her. Unfortunately, various laws passed in different eras have conflicting instructions in the event of a politician's death, causing trepidation amongst the local voters.
The Debate
1. "The easiest solution would be for you to personally appoint an 'interim representative', someone to act in her stead — just until the next election," posits @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a devoted supporter of your party. "It wouldn't be long — our elections are pretty regular, right? — and it would save the hassle and cost of holding a special election. As it happens, I know just the right candidate..."
2. "It seems to me that the person who was elected should have the right to pick their successor, if they are unable to finish their term," declares @@RANDOMMALEFIRSTNAME@@ @@RANDOM_LAST_NAME1@@, the son of the deceased representative. "Presumably, they would choose someone who was of like mind, and could be counted on to continue supporting their predecessor's agenda. If the new person turns out to be a dud, they would surely be voted out at the next election. Just require all elected officials to write down their preferred replacement on some sort of notarized form, and the problem would be solved."
3. "HELP, HELP, I'M BEING REPRESSED!" melodramatically screams @@RANDOM_NAME@@, an independent candidate famously opposed to the formation of political parties. "Strange coroners sitting in offices distributing death certificates is no basis for a system of government! Just have a by-election, the same as any other proper democratic country. No one knows who's the next candidate the people might want, so we'll have to put it to the people to find out!"
4. "Actually, I know exactly who the people want," states @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the most recent opposition candidate for the seat. "Me! I had the next most votes, and in the event of an elected official's untimely passing, the runner-up should be given the job. Surely, that's the best way to respect the will of the people — or at least 37% of them."
5. "Pffft. So she's dead. That doesn't affect me!" derides @@RANDOM_NAME@@, who lives in a nearby district. "You always forget about us Lower @@ANIMAL@@ville folks. Those toffs from Upper @@ANIMAL@@ville get all the funding, and we get squat! They can do without an elected representative for a little while. That'll teach them."
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#1449: Annie Get Your Gun [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
The Issue
When mother-of-twins Annie @@RANDOM_LAST_NAME@@ was held up at gunpoint by a mugger, she immediately surrendered all her cash and jewellery, rather than risk the lives of her ten-year-old boys. Shockingly, not only had she not attempted to use lethal force to defend her family, but she had also left her one and only shotgun on the kitchen table at home.
The Debate
1. "Owning a gun is compulsory for a good reason," points out your Minister for Personal Defence, adjusting her H&K MP5K holster to stop it from catching on her backslung C14 Timberwolf sniper rifle. "But what's the point in compulsory ownership if you don't carry your weapon? As far as I'm concerned, failing to carry a proper deterrent makes Ms Clarke culpable for inciting violence. Citizens have a duty to pack heat whenever they leave the home. An armed populace is a safe populace!"
2. "I'm sorry, I just had so much stuff to carry with the kids' spare clothes and snacks and school bags and all the rest," weeps the deeply ashamed young mom. "I know I shoulda been packin' heat, I know it, but it's just so hard to do so every hour of the day! Have some mercy, guvmint man, and maybe put more gun-totin' police on the streets to keep us safe when our hands are full."
3. "Where was the man of the family in all this, eh?" yells @@RANDOM_NAME@@, before pausing as someone whispers in his ear informing him that the lady is a recent widow from gun-related street crime. "Oh... uh... right. But what about these two twins? They're both the men of the family now, and morally responsible for protecting the weaker sex!"
4. "Hrmm... Did we...?" wonders Minister of Bookkeeping @@RANDOM_NAME@@ as he leafs through the statute books. "Oops, yes we did. Looks like we accidentally used the word 'must' instead of 'may' here when we made that last change to the law about firearm ownership. You want I should fix it again, like some sort of second amendment to the bill?"
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#1450: Driving @@LEADER@@ [Avaerilon; ed: Pogaria]
The Issue
After many years of faithful service, your current vehicle broke down on the highway this morning, forcing you to squeeze into the back of a police car like a common hoodlum in order to get to work. To avoid any further embarrassments, your advisors have asked you to pick a new state car to whisk you to-and-fro when required.
The Debate
1. "Look, that old barge was pretty, but it might not have been adequate if there was a bomb attack!" proclaims General @@RANDOM_NAME@@, gesturing wildly and getting uncomfortably close to your face. "What we need to protect you is a state-of-the-art military vehicle. I'm talking 10cm thick carbon-ceramic armour, missile launchers, gun nests, and plenty of room for a squad of special forces operatives. Let's make something no enemy of the state would dare even look funny at, let alone consider attacking!"
2. Suddenly, your windows are shaken by what sounds like the bellow of a wild animal as eccentric TV star and car enthusiast Clark Jeremysson revs the engine of his Berrari Forza-Azzurri, then proceeds to address you using a megaphone. "Your people judge you based on what you're driving. How on earth can they connect with you on a personal level if you're riding around in a hybrid battlecruiser-tank thing? You should get something fast and exciting — a proper supercar — and drive it yourself. Show everyone that you're a real take-charge leader who goes wherever you want, at whatever speed you want. People will love it!"
3. "Heaven forbid that such an uncouth brute should influence Your Excellency," sputters @@RANDOM_NAME@@, head of sales at Bolls-Boyce, bowing low and taking off @@HIS@@ hat. "My dear, the vehicle that served you was very fine indeed, but fear not, for we can make a more luxurious replacement at our coachbuilding studio that will be far superior to the pedestrian wares offered by Maxcedes and Barryan Motor Works. If you would be so kind as to tell me your preferred leather suppleness and decanter temperature, my master craftsmen can get to work post-haste."
4. "Why waste taxpayer money on an expensive limousine when you can set an example of frugality?" questions your Minister of Anti-Corruption, who also happens to be your niece. "Just drive whatever's available, like one of the compact cars in the government's vehicle pool. They're all made by General Chassis, right here in @@NAME@@. It'll help reduce government spending, while demonstrating your support for the local automotive industry."
5. You think you're finished, but then a scraggly hippy who had appeared to be a large bush stands up and starts moving in your direction. "Like, dude... it's you, man! I always thought you were cool! Hey, listen, I want to rap with you about something. Like, cars are so last century, dude! The people will totally be down with it if you just... like, walk everywhere. Imagine, you with a sweet poncho and a stick, totally in sync with Mother Earth, just walking to... wherever it is you go. Maybe it'll put out good vibrations and change some minds about pollution and saving the world!"
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#1451: A Dread Letter [Frieden-und Freudenland; ed: The Free Joy State]
The Issue
Today, among your mail, a black envelope with a pentagram on it caught your eye. You opened the envelope, and the letter inside said: "Blessed Chosen One, I am happy to inform you that you have just been granted the Opportunity to Change Your Life. The magnificent energy of the cosmos is waiting to surround you. If you copy this letter and send it to 100 other people, you will be granted ONE HUNDRED blessings for ONE HUNDRED days. But! If you spurn these gifts — YOU will be CURSED FOREVER. Choose wisely!"
The Debate
1. "This is a disaster!" whimpers your secretary @@RANDOM_NAME@@, looping @@HIS@@ four-leaf clover pendant around your neck and knocking on your wooden desk repeatedly. "I had a friend in elementary school who failed to pass on a chain letter she received, and she came down with terrible chickenpox afterwards. This is no joking matter, @@LEADER@@. You should immediately start making copies and sending them out if you want to protect yourself from harm."
2. "I'd bet my bottom @@CURRENCY@@ that this is just another teenage prankster," muses police officer @@RANDOM_NAME@@, inspecting the envelope with a magnifying glass to check for fingerprints. "But we ought not let this scoundrel waste your precious time with this nonsense. Grant my department permission to track down and punish the senders of anonymous letters composed with the criminal intent to frighten or defraud." He tosses the letter to one side, accidentally knocking a small mirror off your desk.
3. "If anything, this shows you're not taking your personal security seriously enough, @@LEADER@@!" yells bodyguard @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a former army officer, who has perused the letter and is now patrolling the vicinity. "What if that scumbag had sent anthrax in that envelope? Or what if someone had sent you a bomb in a gift parcel? You should mandate that all mail in @@NATION@@ should be sent in see-through bags. Those who have nothing to hide cannot object to full transparency."
4. "Holy @@ANIMAL@@! I can't believe we spent an entire morning discussing a stupid chain letter!" chortles @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Minister of Underhanded Solutions. "But, if these letters are so unsettling, this gives me a brilliant idea. Why not produce different versions of such dreadful letters and send them to our political opponents? Distracting them in this way could be a good strategy for psychological warfare."
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#1452: Hello Darkness My Old Friend [Valentine Z; ed: Electrum]
The Issue
@@NATION@@ ground to a halt after a nationwide blackout resulted in dark street lamps, traffic jams and melted ice creams. It was caused by the country having insufficient fuel to generate electricity, with the bulk of the fuel being exported due to long-term supply contracts.
The Debate
1. "I've come to talk with you again," pesters @@RANDOM_FEMALE_NAME@@ Simon, your Minister of Energy, @@HIS@@ figure barely visible in the naked candlelight. "The nation has enough fossil fuel reserves to power itself. However, corporations like Conch and Epsilon Mobil are profiting from their export rather than ensuring our country has enough electricity! Nationalise them and tear up the contracts so that our power plants always have enough fuel. The companies have been given too much free rein on our resources and we don't need their technical expertise anymore."
2. "Nationalisation is like a cancer that grows," says Conch Chief Extraction Officer @@RANDOM_NAME@@ Garfunkel. "By nationalising, you're creating an inefficient government-run company that will be vulnerable to corruption. You're also going to be losing a long-term source of tax revenue by walking away from our contracts. Instead, you should approve drilling in that natural gas field we've always wanted to develop near @@CAPITAL@@. That way, there'll be more than enough fuel to meet our export obligations and your electricity generators' needs."
3. "If we can no longer rely on power plants to provide electricity, why don't you let us generate it ourselves?" asks an off-the-grid citizen completing his fortnightly run for loo rolls and gum. "See, I have this big diesel generator at home which is powering the local area during the blackout. There were some noise and pollution complaints at first, but the neighbours aren't objecting now. It would be an easy change too, just dismantle the energy networks and pay us little guys to distribute energy locally."
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#1453: A Salt and Battery [Candensia; ed: Pogaria]
The Issue
Electric cars have vastly reduced air pollution in @@NAME@@. However, this has accompanied a surge in demand for lithium, a scarce element primarily obtained through heavy mining. As lithium salts are a critical component in electric vehicle batteries, your advisers fear a shortage could cripple electric car manufacturers and the @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ lifestyle.
The Debate
1. "Without additional lithium, there could be a lot more horse-drawn carts on the roads, or even worse, gas guzzlers!" exclaims resource analyst @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "But don't worry, @@NAME@@ has plenty of untapped lithium deposits! The biggest ones just, uh, happen to be located in pristine nature reserves. Anyway, not using our own natural resources would make us dumber than a box of rocks. Give the mining industry the go-ahead to expand lithium extraction operations; it'll keep our cars cheap and skies beautiful."
2."Doesn't mining defeat the purpose of electric cars?" asks trade official @@RANDOM_NAME@@ while eating from a lunchbox that is clearly labeled 'Property of the Maxtopian Embassy'. "Rather than destroy our own environment, let somebody else destroy theirs. Dump lithium extraction in @@NAME@@, and instead rely on cheap imports from dirt-poor countries like Kawandaland. There'd hardly be any downsides. Well, I mean, the mining sector obviously wouldn't like it, we might shed a job or two, and there could be supply disruptions whenever Kawandaland goes through a coup, but electric car manufacturers will be jumping for joy!"
3."Lithium-ion batteries power tons of often-tossed electronics," yaps @@CAPITAL@@-area sanitation director @@RANDOM_NAME@@, who is wearing a T-shirt with the slogan 'Garbage In, Treasure Out'. "We can reuse that lithium if we expand recycling infrastructure to accommodate the extra rubbish. Now look, this garbage idea has a catch — lithium recycling can't beat mining in terms of output — so there'd be less of the stuff to go around. However, if we reduced lithium demand by hiking taxes on automobiles and electronics while also encouraging use of mass transit, we'd be able to make it work."
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#1454: Poplar Opinion [Honeydewistania, ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
The Issue
As a symbol of historic cultural ties, the nation of Brancaland has gifted @@NAME@@ a dozen Brancalandian Spiked Aspen trees. These were ceremonially planted in the famed Jellostain National Park. Unfortunately, it's now been discovered that the trees are host to a parasitic fungi endemic to Brancaland, which is now spreading and ravaging the local woodland.
The Debate
1. "Let's not panic!" says one of your diplomats, panicking. "Brancaland had good intentions, but we need to contain the spread before the entire nation is infected. Luckily the fungal infestation is only in this part of the park, so let's enclose the section with the trees with a glass bio-dome, and allow access only to a select few. We can import more Brancalandian flora and dedicate the arboretum to our nations' enduring friendship."
2. "You don't know what this fungus can do," flatly states Forestry Commission Warrant Officer Elaine Wipley, with the look of a shell-shocked veteran. "If one of those spores gets out there, that's it! Taking off and nuking the site from orbit is the only way to be sure. No? Well, at the very least, you need to send the army in with flamethrowers, to burn everything in a three-mile radius."
3. "It's too late for the park," whispers General Cody 'Iron Eyes' de Corti, shedding a single tear as he surveys the devastation. "They destroyed our park; we can destroy theirs too. You should allow us to covertly release the @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ Destroying Angel Fungi over the Brancalandian pine forests. Let the invaders feel our pain."
4. "Fungus is Good, repeat with me, Fungus is Good," intones eccentric mycologist Innsmouth Yugov offering you a strange-smelling bowl of mushroom stew. "Let the blessed fungus spread freely. In fact, deliberately spread it to every forest in @@NAME@@. Do it or there will be truffle, I mean trouble. The blessed mycelium will give strength to our nation as it infiltrates our soil. You understand? Yes. Me go, now. Me go." He hands you a mysterious book, then chants in an indecipherable language.
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#1455: Trademarks Make Their Mark on Marketing [Noahs Second Country; ed: Pogaria]
The Issue
Zeerocks, a @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ company known for manufacturing photocopiers, has recently come into conflict with a corporation in the mostly harmless nation of Merovingia that makes a similar product. The Merovingian company has been using the common phrase 'zeerocksing' in their advertising and packaging, even though Zeerocks owns the trademark for the term. The inevitable legal dispute has now come to national attention.
The Debate
1. "@@LEADER@@, it is essential that this term remains exclusive to the products and services of our company," claims a sharply dressed representative from Zeerocks, handing out zeerocksed packets of heavily laminated legal documentation to everyone in close proximity. "When direct competitors use the term to describe the services that we exclusively offer, consumers begin to associate the term with photocopying, which zeerocksing simply is not. Furthermore, we have legally registered this trademark and should have full rights to control its use."
2. A sophisticated-looking executive from Merovingian Minolta directs your attention to her slideshow presentation. "As we can see here, photocopying involves the same exact process as zeerocksing. It is preposterous to use multiple terms for the same exact action, and makes no sense for a company to be able to own a commonly used word. Therefore, since the Zeerocks trademark is already a generic term, anyone should be able to use it."
3. "We might as well rip off the band-aid now," claims your Minister of Abrupt Solutions, while using a sharpie to write notes on some post-its. "This case is a dumpster fire of complex trademark laws, and I bet we'll see a plethora of new cases no matter who wins this lawsuit. It's as clear as plexiglass that we need to abolish all existing trademark laws, so that this doesn't hoover up all of our legal system's resources. Now does anyone have an aspirin? My head feels like someone hit it with a thermos."
4. "That is just going to cause even more confusion," drones Xanatos Vajiralongkorn, whose gray suit matches his gray demeanor. "Why do we need branding in the first place? All of this marketing is just another way for the big, rich corporations to control the public. You should require all products to be sold in monocolored packaging with no graphics or brand names on them."
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#1456: Weather Report: It's Not Graining In East Lebatuck [Fauxia; ed: Electrum]
The Issue
East Lebatuck, one of the largest 'second world' nations, is in the midst of a famine. It does not typically trade with @@NAME@@ due to its suspicion of capitalism. However, because of the famine, the 'Iron Giant of Communism' wants to purchase large quantities of foodstuffs, particularly grain, from @@NAME@@.
The Debate
1. "We're going to have a field day!" gasps your Treasury Minister, grasping the gravity of the situation. "Imagine the headlines — 'Great Groat! East Lebatuck Grovels to Graceful @@NAME@@ to Gratify its Grain Grievances'. Every sale we make to East Lebatuck is proof that free markets work and communism does not. You've got to encourage this trade — provide subsidies to corporations that do business with East Lebatuck, and we'll show the world who's really won the cold war."
2. "See what I'm doing here?" asks advisor @@RANDOM_NAME@@, rubbing @@HIS/HER@@ middle finger on @@HIS/HER@@ wrist. "I'm playing the world's smallest violin. The best way to show capitalist superiority is to let this evil empire face the consequences of its communist folly and let it starve. They can ask our noble corporations for grain once they open up to free enterprise in their country. Which, let's face it, will be never."
3. "Dear leader, don't listen to these commissars. This is not an opportunity to showboat," advises communist sympathizer @@RANDOM_NAME@@, wearing a red pin of East Lebatuck Chairman Joseph Rushev on @@HIS/HER@@ lapel. "Starving people is not cool, man. So how about you treat this like a humanitarian problem and send free grain with no strings attached? In return, we pinky promise not to throw you into the gulag when this capitalist state inevitably crumbles."
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#1457: Use the Farce, @@LEADER@@ [Pogaria; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
The Issue
After taking your niece to see Cosmic Conflicts: Episode XII — A New Ennui, your Census Director runs up to you in the parking lot, shouting that large numbers of people are putting false information on their census forms.
The Debate
1. "Orange Alert, @@LEADER@@! We have a Level 3 census emergency!" Your confused look gives him pause. "Did you not memorize the color-coded Demographics Alert System that I sent you? Our census has a question about religious affiliation, but far too many people aren't taking it seriously. They're just listing fictional religions, like Jeday and Frisbeetarianism. We must track down every one of these reprobates and question them at great length to determine their actual religious beliefs — and fine them for listing false information on official government documents!"
2. "I am one with the Farce and the Farce is with me," chants a movie theater patron wearing brown robes, who starts swinging around a cardboard tube and making humming noises. "The ancient Jeday faith, which was revealed to us by visionary film director Jorge Toucas, is a fundamental truth in all corners of the universe. Our beliefs are genuine. I insist that you recognize this as a legitimate religion!"
*3. Another passerby wearing a strange uniform and a helmet that completely covers their face stops to listen. "Do you hear this blasphemy, @@LEADER@@? The law encourages everyone to follow @@FAITH@@. These fantasy films are a terrible influence on weak-minded citizens whose faith is shaky at best. Ban all fiction that includes any references to false religions, and send these heretics to remedial religious education classes. This is the way!" [Must not have low religiousness, > 3?]
*4. Another passerby wearing a strange uniform and a helmet that completely covers their face stops to listen. "Do you hear this superstitious nonsense, @@LEADER@@? The law discourages people from practicing religion. These fantasy films are a terrible influence on weak-minded citizens who don't have a solid scientific education. Ban all fiction that includes any references to religion, and send these ignoramuses to remedial science classes. This is the way!" [Must have low religiousness, < 3?]
*5. Another passerby wearing a strange uniform and a helmet that completely covers their face stops to listen. "Do you hear this lunacy, @@LEADER@@? These fantasy films are a terrible influence on weak-minded citizens who don't have a solid grasp on reality. Ban all fiction that includes any references to made-up religions, and send these nutjobs to a mental health specialist for a thorough psychological evaluation. This is the way!" [Policy TBD]
6. Your niece tugs on your sleeve, looking annoyed. "Why does the census even ask about religion? I know it's for statistics or whatever, but I really don't care if my friends pray to Yahvo or R'hllor or even the Overgoat! That's none of my business, and the government shouldn't be asking about it either. In fact, if we want to be progressive, the census also shouldn't ask about gender, race, ethnicity, or national origin. Instead, we should just focus on finding out fun and entertaining tidbits, like hobbies, or music tastes, or favorite cheese."
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#1458: Children of @@RELIGION@@ [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
The Issue
The secretive but economically powerful Holy Empire of Dàguó has long had a sketchy human rights record, and recently it's become clear that there is a state policy against @@RELIGION@@, which the Dàguó government has categorised as a subversive ideology. Specifically, rumours have recently surfaced that children from families of the faith are being forcibly separated from their parents, and made to attend state re-education centres for indoctrination and conversion.
The Debate
1. "The sons and daughters of @@RELIGION@@ are being ripped from the bosom of loving families," complains @@RANDOM_NAME@@, head of the @@DEMONYM@@ branch of Human Rights Watch International. "We should call for international condemnation, and enact tough trade sanctions against Dàguó. Additionally, we should offer these persecuted souls refuge, and provide help for them to travel here. We should always prioritise asylum for the children of @@RELIGION@@."
2. "@@RELIGION@@ is losing numbers, and we have to rectify that," observes your Minister of Memetic Utilitarianism. "The moral arithmetic is simple: we should locate and forcibly centralise Dàguó immigrant children within @@NAME@@, establishing a Faith Academy where they can learn to renounce their fatherland, and devote themselves to our Holy Truth."
3. "These rumours are categorically false," recites a thirteen-year-old @@BOY@@ in a plain grey concrete room, on a video recording sent to you. "Several years ago, I voluntarily attended the Dàguó Centre for Imperial Glory. I chose this path because I love our country. My comrades and I have chosen to reject @@RELIGION@@ of our own free will. We encourage @@NAME@@ to strengthen trading relations with the growing economy of Dàguó, and for our economies to mutually prosper. We remind @@NAME@@ of the mutual wealth our great nations gain from bilateral international trade. You should officially state that Dàguó is blameless in this. For the greater good."
4. "Those Dàguó folk are rascals for sure," laughs your Minister of Uncomfortable Compromises, looking worriedly over a list of Dàguó's investments in @@NAME@@. "We need to persuade them to adopt a gentler position. Maybe we could financially induce amenable faith leaders in our country to issue official statements, saying that @@RELIGION@@ endorses the Holy Empire of Dàguó. Then, Dàguó can feel safe from dissent, and we can trade with a clear conscience. This is what we call the soft power approach, @@LEADER@@. Diplomacy keeps the world turning."
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#1459: Friends With Tax Benefits [The Returners; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
The Issue
A growing number of citizens are protesting a clause in the tax code that gives an extra tax deduction for married couples.
The Debate
1. "Giving married couples extra benefits is just unfair, man," complains concerned citizen Chuck Sandler, accompanied by his longtime roommate Larry James. "With this wonky tax code, everyone just marries before tax season and immediately divorces after. There are probably statistics and stuff saying that. Besides, this is discrimination against singles. Why not allow lovers and best friends to fill out tax returns together just like married couples do?"
2. "Keeping the tax deduction for married couples is essential for maintaining the strength of the family," lectures @@RANDOM_NAME@@, leader of the conservative group Families For Society, with his wife silently nodding along in agreement. "The strength of the family is the strength of @@NATION@@! Of course, no one should desecrate the sanctity of marriage by using it solely for financial gain! The solution is simple: ban divorce. That way, if people marry just for the tax benefits, they must stay together."
3. "The real problem is that we have these tax deductions in the first place," moans your Minster of Finance, @@RANDOM_NAME@@, who has spent all morning completing his own tax return. "Complex rules leave loopholes to exploit. Just eliminate almost all tax deductions and exemptions and keep tax returns super simple."