When mother-of-twins Annie Clarke was held up at gunpoint by a mugger, she immediately surrendered all her cash and jewellery, rather than risk the lives of her ten-year-old boys. Shockingly, not only had she not attempted to use lethal force to defend her family, but she had also left her one and only shotgun on the kitchen table at home.
Option 1: The one I picked
“Owning a gun is compulsory for a good reason,” points out your Minister for Personal Defence, adjusting her H&K MP5K holster to stop it from catching on her backslung C14 Timberwolf sniper rifle. “But what’s the point in compulsory ownership if you don’t carry your weapon? As far as I’m concerned, failing to carry a proper deterrent makes Ms Clarke culpable for inciting violence. Citizens have a duty to pack heat whenever they leave the home. An armed populace is a safe populace!”
Results:
Metal detectors at school gates make sure that teenagers are carrying at least one sidearm.
Positive
Industry: Arms Manufacturing
Charon Conveyancy Index 14,981.56 → 15,168.18 1.2%
Sector: Manufacturing
Gooback-Jerbs Productivity Index 14,981.56 → 15,168.18 1.2%
Social Conservatism
Bush-Santorum Dawning Terror Index 47.92 → 48.08 0.33%
Weaponization
Weapons Per Person 9.70 → 9.73 0.31%
Authoritarianism
milliStalins 646.01 → 647.30 0.20%
Averageness
Average Standardized Normality Scale 41.47 → 41.52 0.12%
Negative
Sector: Agriculture
Mu-Bah-Daggs Productivity Index 34.48 → 34.46 0.06%
Nudity
Cheeks Per Square Mile 207.25 → 207.00 0.12%
Recreational Drug Use
Pineapple Fondness Rating 61.60 → 61.40 0.32%
Civil Rights
Martin Luther King, Jr. Units 60.10 → 59.90 0.33%
Ideological Radicality
Paul-Nader Subjective Decentrality Index 13.53 → 13.48 0.37%
Pacifism
Cheeks Turned Per Day 7.55 → 7.43 1.6%
Option 2:
Option 2
“I’m sorry, I just had so much stuff to carry with the kids’ spare clothes and snacks and school bags and all the rest,” weeps the deeply ashamed young mom. “I know I shoulda been packin’ heat, I know it, but it’s just so hard to do so every hour of the day! Have some mercy, guvmint man, and maybe put more gun-totin’ police on the streets to keep us safe when our hands are full.”
Option 3:
Option 3
“Where was the man of the family in all this, eh?” yells Josh Turnbull, before pausing as someone whispers in his ear informing him that the lady is a recent widow from gun-related street crime. “Oh... uh... right. But what about these two twins? They’re both the men of the family now, and morally responsible for protecting the weaker sex!”
Option 4
And 4
“Hrmm... Did we...?” wonders Minister of Bookkeeping Wojciech Johannsen as he leafs through the statute books. “Oops, yes we did. Looks like we accidentally used the word ‘must’ instead of ‘may’ here when we made that last change to the law about firearm ownership. You want I should fix it again, like some sort of second amendment to the bill?”