NationStates

1416: Building on Sand

The Issue

Intelligence reports confirm that the ever-ambitious nation of Wezeltonia has been constructing artificial islands in the Maxxi Sea, in order to claim jurisdiction over the adjacent waters.

The Debate

1. “Those thieves think they can shut us out!” yells trade advisor Holly Svensson, placing a small ball on one side of a brass balance. “Trillions of @@CURRENCYPLURAL@@ pass through the Maxxi Sea. If we let Wezeltonia establish sovereignty there, they’ll be strong enough economically to bring the rest of the world to its knees! We need to get Brancaland, Skandilund, heck, maybe even Blackacre, to sanction Wezeltonia until they cease this naked mercantilism!” She drops a large weight onto the other side of the scale, causing the ball to fly and hit your young intern in the head.

2. “What business of yours is it if we develop our own waters?” snaps Marlon Carey, the ill-tempered ambassador from Wezeltonia. “We don’t tell you how to manage your outlying territories, unless your outlying territories lie in our zone of control. But I’ll tell you what, maybe we could contract with some of your construction firms to help us build. That could put both our nations on a more solid foundation.”

3. “Wezeltonia is destroying the environment in the Maxxi Sea!” wails marine biologist Sigourney Hopkins, who was not invited to this meeting but followed your carbon footprint here. “All that sand is destroying coral reefs and killing sea creatures in their own habitat. We need to convince the World Assembly to declare that artificial islands are not recognized as territory, to reduce Wezeltonia’s economic incentive to build there. If that doesn’t work, send them a telegram and order them to stop murdering harmless fish, crustaceans, and vampire squids!”

4. “It seems to me that these shores do still be international waters, savvy?” says Admiral Ashley Perez, looking through the wrong end of a spyglass. “Let’s send a ship or two out there to remind Wezeltonia that our freedom of navigation still applies. With our patrols on the watch, they won’t dare venture more than a few nautical miles from their shore! Or kilometers or other such bilge.”

Issue by The Forever Rejected Nation of Fauxia

Edited by Zwangzug

#1414 My Milkshake Brings All the Presents to the Yard

The Issue

Thanks to a timely mastectomy performed by the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ health care system, your trusted aide Kira Ripoli has survived cancer and received a clean bill of health. In preparing to return to work, however, she has been caught flat-footed.

The Debate

1. "How can I face the world without constantly reminding people that my eyes are up here?" asks Ripoli. "In order for both my mental and physical health to be restored, I must have access to reconstructive surgery! I mean, my breasts were small and humble, and hardly mountainous, but they were mine, you know? The hospitals took me apart — they can darn well put me back together!"

2. "This case seems clear-cut to me," agrees ambitious anesthesiologist @@RANDOMNAME@@. "But it's not enough to restore what illness has taken. We have the technology to remove wrinkles from the elderly, shave weight off the obese, even adjust the corneas of people who keep forgetting their glasses! Our hospitals must treat every case of cosmetic surgery, so our population can look and feel their best."

3. "I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller," bemoans the uncoordinated @@RANDOMNAME@@. "But you know what? I don't ask the public to pay for height augmentation. @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ health care should only be used for urgent medical conditions, not elective surgeries. If Kira doesn't like the way she looks, she could have just paid for her own boob job."

Issue by Zwangzug
Edited by Candlewhisper Archive

#1417: Nun on the Run [Sacara, ed: Pogaria]

The Issue

The Sisters of Saint Katherine’s Mercy are a religious order known for their charitable works and advocacy for the poor. Although their philanthropy often relies upon unorthodox fundraising methods, it was still surprising when Sister Deloris May recently announced her intention to run for a vacant parliament seat.

The Debate

1. “There must be a separation of church and state,” declares your militantly atheist cousin. “She will obviously use her religious position to gain votes and attempt to interfere with our government. Even worse, she’s running as an independent candidate in one of the most vulnerable districts for our party. If you wish to maintain credibility within the halls of parliament, you cannot allow anyone in a position like this to gain office!”

2. “Citizens should be able to serve both our nation and our Creator,” asserts Sister Deloris, wearing a pin that reads ‘greed is a sin’. “And the best way to serve the neediest people of our nation is to be in the same room where all of our tax funds are distributed, advocating on behalf of the people who don’t currently have a voice in these decisions. All I want to do is make @@NAME@@ a better place. If you claim to be democratic, my religious beliefs shouldn’t prevent me from running.”

3. “I don’t see why any job should be allowed to discriminate based on religious affiliation,” argues Sister Angela Night of the Order of Divine Retribution, brandishing a loop of prayer beads set with metal spikes. “For example, I applied to join the police, but they said that my religious background wasn’t suitable for police work. If anything, I’d think it makes me more motivated to deliver a righteous beatdown to the lawbreakers and sinners that still walk around our streets with impunity. It’s not just a job for me — it’s a daily vocation.”

4. “Perhaps we need to get our nation back onto the right track by mandating that all of our elected leaders are believers,” ponders your Minister of Sacramental Supremacy, in between bouts of chanting and hitting himself in the forehead with a board. “The root of all evil comes from the lack of faith in a creator, so it only makes sense that those who govern us believe in one. @@LEADER@@, you must ensure that those running for political office have at least some sort of religious beliefs.”

Giovanniland wrote:New issue I got on my main nation. I don't think either of the names (Deloris May and Angela Night) are random because I couldn't find them in the @@RANDOMNAME@@ list. Other custom fields were replaced with their respective macros.

Edit: forgot the option numbers. Internal numbering is 0, 1, 2, 3 so I don't think there's any hidden option.

#1417: Nun on the Run [Sacara, ed: Pogaria]

Giovanniland wrote:New issue I got on my main nation. I don't think either of the names (Deloris May and Angela Night) are random because I couldn't find them in the @@RANDOMNAME@@ list. Other custom fields were replaced with their respective macros.

Edit: forgot the option numbers. Internal numbering is 0, 1, 2, 3 so I don't think there's any hidden option.

#1417: Nun on the Run [Sacara, ed: Pogaria]

The Issue

The Sisters of Saint Katherine’s Mercy are a religious order known for their charitable works and advocacy for the poor. Although their philanthropy often relies upon unorthodox fundraising methods, it was still surprising when Sister Deloris May recently announced her intention to run for a vacant parliament seat.

The Debate

1. “There must be a separation of church and state,” declares your militantly atheist cousin. “She will obviously use her religious position to gain votes and attempt to interfere with our government. Even worse, she’s running as an independent candidate in one of the most vulnerable districts for our party. If you wish to maintain credibility within the halls of parliament, you cannot allow anyone in a position like this to gain office!”

2. “Citizens should be able to serve both our nation and our Creator,” asserts Sister Deloris, wearing a pin that reads ‘greed is a sin’. “And the best way to serve the neediest people of our nation is to be in the same room where all of our tax funds are distributed, advocating on behalf of the people who don’t currently have a voice in these decisions. All I want to do is make @@NAME@@ a better place. If you claim to be democratic, my religious beliefs shouldn’t prevent me from running.”

3. “I don’t see why any job should be allowed to discriminate based on religious affiliation,” argues Sister Angela Night of the Order of Divine Retribution, brandishing a loop of prayer beads set with metal spikes. “For example, I applied to join the police, but they said that my religious background wasn’t suitable for police work. If anything, I’d think it makes me more motivated to deliver a righteous beatdown to the lawbreakers and sinners that still walk around our streets with impunity. It’s not just a job for me — it’s a daily vocation.”

4. “Perhaps we need to get our nation back onto the right track by mandating that all of our elected leaders are believers,” ponders your Minister of Sacramental Supremacy, in between bouts of chanting and hitting himself in the forehead with a board. “The root of all evil comes from the lack of faith in a creator, so it only makes sense that those who govern us believe in one. @@LEADER@@, you must ensure that those running for political office have at least some sort of religious beliefs.”

Valentine Z wrote:So it seems like the name is Sister Deloris @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@. Or @@RANDOMLASTNAMEFEMALE@@.

MADness

1,398: Spectre Royale

The Story So Far
You recently captured an enemy pilot who was attempting to bomb your missile sites on San Vitenzo. Justice was swift.

The Issue
Tensions with the United Federation have never been higher. After the unpleasant incident with their downed pilot, they are now threatening to invade San Vitenzo and destroy all of your military installations.

The Debate
0.) “We can’t back down now, Comrade Leader,” declares Defense Minister Rolan Malinovich while furiously writing notes on a structural diagram of the nation’s missile silos. “Although we don’t have many troops on the ground, some of the local villagers have been trained in guerilla warfare by their government. It wouldn’t be difficult to airdrop weapons and supplies. Let us fight alongside our comrades in a glorious struggle against the hated imperialists!”

Accept

1.) “Are we sure that San Vitenzo is a worthy ally?” questions Minister of International Diplomacy Andrea Gramyki, who had been plucking a few notes of ‘Born in @@NAME@@’ on her guitar. “I heard a rumor that they’re actually considering... market-based economic reforms.” She shudders uncontrollably. “It would be a mistake to ask our brave soldiers to die in battle defending a faraway nation that might not be fully committed to the anti-capitalist struggle. Tell the United Federation that we’re willing to negotiate.”

Accept

Dismiss This Issue

Issue by The Holy Empire of Pogaria

Edited by Pogaria

#1415: The Melting Point

The Issue

The thousand-year-old @@ANIMAL@@foot Glacier, located in northern @@NAME@@, served as a natural dam for the @@ANIMAL@@ Lake. Yesterday it broke open, causing the lake’s contents to rush out into the valley below, destroying the downstream ecosystem and a nearby town.

The Debate

1. “This disaster is just another example of how human-accelerated climate change is destroying the natural world!” exclaims environmental activist Amadeus Smit, slowly heating up in anger. “Cars, factories, and excessive flatulence cause glaciers like the @@ANIMAL@@foot to melt prematurely! Soon, these beauties will be all but gone. @@LEADER@@, you have to do something — speeches, environmental regulations, anything to stop the rising temperatures! Every person in @@NAME@@ has to know the consequences of their carelessness!”

2. “Oh get out of here you whining hippy!” grumbles Emily Black as she pushes her way into the room. “My town was flooded and my swimming pool was destroyed in this disaster. People may go homeless for who knows how long! Violet’s sake, your first priority should be to us, the average @@DEMONYM@@, not some nonsense tree-loving wacko! Ensure that our tax @@CURRENCYPLURAL@@ are going right back towards rebuilding affected homes and businesses.”

3. “It’s your own fault that you built a town smack-dab in the center of a potential flood pathway,” sighs self-described “preventionist” Joseph Haggard as he emerges from the floor in mining gear. “Everyone knows that areas within a seventeen-mile proximity of a glacier are in danger of flooding. Really, most of @@NAME@@ is vulnerable to some watery hazard, like the giant waterfall only a few miles from @@CAPITAL@@! Why don’t we go ahead and move all the water out of the way with dams and drainage channels across the nation? I’ve taken the liberty of preparing a map listing potential areas in danger.” He shows you a map with an uncountable number of marks on it. “See here, here, here and here..."

Issue by The Girl and her Cat of Westinor

Edited by Noahs Second Country

#1412: Another Day, Another Dollar

The issue:
While attempting to buy an Eckie-Ecola at your local convenience store, you are shocked to discover that after a recent bout of severe inflation, the shopkeeper is no longer accepting @@CURRENCYPLURAL@@ in favor of the much more stable United Federation Dollars.

The Debate:

1. “I can’t say I’m surprised,” sighs your Minister of Finance, who happens to be standing in line behind you holding an Addison Cola and a fistful of @@CURRENCYPLURAL@@. “We’ve been spending far beyond our means, so the Central Bank’s had to print more cash to make up the difference. We’ll need to slash government expenditure across the board to get a handle on our debt. It’ll be a bitter pill in the short run, but if you hold the line and commit to spending less in the future, I promise you it’ll ultimately save the patient.”

2. “Wouldn’t it be easier to declare the United Federation Dollar as legal tender alongside the @@CURRENCY@@?” suggests the shopkeeper while she gives a dirty look at your wad of cash. “Sure, it will be hard to give up a bit of control and pride, but everyone will have a stable currency to rely on. We could even keep all the spare @@CURRENCYPLURAL@@ lying around as a novelty for tourists!”

3. “We wouldn’t have this problem if the currency was pegged to something of real value,” says an old man while he peruses a bag of Arthur’s Original from the candy aisle. “Back in my day, you could go to any grocery shop and buy a goat for a tuppence, with enough change for a bag of turnip candy, which was all we had in those days unlike your fancy butterscotch candy, which in those days we called buttermalt because there was a scotch shortage as the goats ate all the scotch. And just like the color of scotch, the color of our currency was gold, because we were on the gold standard. You know, if you reintroduced the standard, you can bet your bottom @@CURRENCY@@ that the @@CURRENCY@@ will be worth something again.”

4. “The United Federation is trying to undermine @@NAME@@ and the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ way of life!” opines hyper-patriotic news personality Ásmunda O'Hara, who is coincidentally talking about this very problem on the TV above the shopkeeper’s head. "Treat United Federation Dollars and all other currencies like the pestilence they are — burn them all! And, to stop the menace of foreign currency, the government must suspend all international trade indefinitely — after all, there’s no need to exchange currencies if our economy is closed.”

Issue by The United Mangrove Archipelago of Ransium

Edited by Electrum

#1419: The Madson-Hashley Scandal

The Issue

A vigilante group has acquired and published the membership rolls of the Madson-Hashley Club, a secret group for those wanting to commit the illegal act of adultery. With a few high-profile suicides stemming from the leak, experts are concerned that prosecuting these adulterers will do more harm than good.

The Debate

1. “No-one deserves to feel this bad,” argues marriage counsellor Arnie Unterobernegger, a former politician and actor renowned for his love of eating out. “Think about the people who are going to be publicly shamed, having had their relationship put on trial. The whole process is shameful, and has already driven people over the edge. You should legalise adultery, and let the relationships of consenting adults be kept between them and their marriage counsellors.”

2. A lady twisting her husband by the ear comes over. “Adultery is the ultimate betrayal and should always remain illegal. However, if I can find it within myself to forgive my spouse, then what’s the point of charging him with a crime? As the offended party, I should get to determine his... punishment. You’ve learned your lesson, haven’t you, darling?” Her husband nods slightly before she lets his ear go.

3. “Your husband’s taken you for a fool,” snaps Aria du Pont, a stiff-necked staffer who has been cheated on by three different partners. “We should not be merciful to a sophisticated network intent on breaking our adultery laws. You must set up an anti-adultery task force to uncover and expose all the filthy cheaters in this nation! We must not stop until all their lives are destroyed. As for the people behind Madson-Hashley, they’re more than accomplices — they’re an organised crime syndicate, who should be treated as such.”

4. “No-one is disputing that the adulterers broke the law, but these vigilantes have also callously destroyed the lives of many innocent partners who must live with the public shame of their spouse’s infidelity,” observes Ed Indy Sand, a privacy advocate. “They should have handed this information over privately to law enforcement, rather than raising a hullabaloo, airing all this dirty laundry in public. The vigilantes should be prosecuted for causing deliberate emotional and psychological harm.”

Issue by The Gold and Silver Alloy of Electrum

Edited by Candlewhisper Archive

Ruritane wrote:Huh. Ashley Madison. Also a new Arnold Schwarzenegger.
(snip)

#1418 The High Life

The Issue

Returning from a business trip yesterday, your cousin had to rush his two-year-old son to the hospital. Apparently, the child’s mother had been too doped up to feed the child while he was gone. Your aides say incidents like this are on the rise due to high levels of drug consumption.

The Debate

“Hey, raising kids is a lot of work, and you can’t blame people if they have a hard time keeping up,” says one of your laziest aides. “We just need more social services and government-funded day care to make sure families have the support they need. Can you pass me another doughnut? I’ve got the munchies.”

“Oh, please! It’s not that hard!” says anxious parent Ellie Shakespeare, affectionately ruffling her son’s hair and popping a little yellow pill to calm her nerves. “Parents just need some training, and need to pick the right uppers to help them through their busy day. Promote and subsidise the production of drugs that stimulate increased activity and energy, and no kid will ever be neglected. Right? Right? Right? Right?”

“Dude, if you take more of those, you will get an overdose,” says local drug dealer Johann Barber, who came to your office hoping to sell you some of his best quality weed. “If Honeydewistanians are so bad at raising kids, then maybe we should just stop doing it. Turn the kids loose in the wild and let them take care of themselves. They’ll probably do a better job than we do anyway.”

“Is that MARIJUANA?” bellows your chief of security, who has suddenly awakened from a stupor and is now desperately trying to look alert and productive. “Since when do we allow DRUGS in government offices? Arrest that low-life! It’s time to clean up the streets! Merge the Honeydewopolis Police into my department and I’ll have the city cleaned up in no time!”

Issue by The Shipwreck of USS Monitor

Edited by Candlewhisper Archive

#1377: For @@LEADER@@’s Ears Only

The Story So Far

Secret agent James Bont has been sent to San Vitenzo with orders to infiltrate the missile installation sites.

The Issue

As you are heading toward yet another meeting, you receive a phone call from N, your Minister of Intelligence, who has news from James Bont and needs to speak with you about his mission.

The Debate

1. [internal number: 3] “Good morning, boss,” proclaims the steady voice of your spy chief. “Bont reported that he was able to steal a missile technician’s uniform and security badge that may allow him to enter the enemy bases undetected. However, there’s been a small... complication. We believe that one or more enemy agents are aware of his presence. They’re probably too dangerous to ignore. Do you want to give Bont a free hand to neutralize the threat? A few bullets should take care of... wait, did you hear that clicking sound? I hope this phone isn’t bugged. Code Blue, @@LEADER@@.” N hangs up, leaving you bewildered.

2. [internal number: 4] After staring at your phone for a few seconds, you feel your right shoe vibrating as blue text starts scrolling across the toe: “Alternatively, if you’re uncomfortable with extrajudicial killings, you could order Bont to capture any enemy spies and hand them off to us for interrogation. It’s riskier than just shooting them — our enemies may have set up a trap that could result in Bont’s death — but we might be able to gain valuable intel or use prisoners as a negotiating tool.”

3. [internal number: 5] While still thinking it over, you’re suddenly interrupted by cooing coming from an open window. A carrier pigeon alights on your shoulder and presents a small note tied to its right leg: “There’s a third way of dealing with this. If you want, you could instruct Bont to simply ignore the enemy agents and focus on his primary mission. This might just be a diversion to waste our time and allow East Lebatuck to finish installing their missiles. Well, let me know of your decision by this evening. PS: This message will self-destruct in ten seconds.”