NationStates

Valentine Z wrote:Issue 1077 - With Friends Like These... (I got it on Garden at 6th Mile Road)

Issue by Sacara

Edited by Candlewhisper Archive

The Issue

A TV network recently aired a rerun of Enemies, a popular television series from twenty-five years ago. However, the humor has dated badly, and many of the jokes are now being seen as transphobic, homophobic, bigoted, and racist.

The Debate

[option 1] “My eyes!” screeches your niece, obviously distressed and trembling with shock. “How did anyone ever find this funny? It’s just sick, absolutely sick. Like that one episode when they pejoratively used the appellation ‘gay’ to describe someone who was being emotionally vulnerable? Disgusting! You’ve got to ban re-runs of bigoted shows like this once and for all, so no one else will have to endure these offensive horrors!”

[option 2] “Hey, what’s the dealo?” questions Ross Other, one of the stars of the show in question. “This is classic comedy, man. I mean, you couldn’t get away with saying half the stuff that we did, but you’d be destroying a national masterpiece. We need to keep this to teach people what Garden at 6th Mile Road used to be like. Keep the history, man, don’t ever be censoring entertainment!”

[option 3] “Heh, have I got a solution for you,” mutters your bored-looking Minister of Propaganda, twiddling her thumbs absent-mindedly. “My ministry will take control of producing content that will both be inoffensive and pro-government. While we’re at it, give us control of news media too. We will control the horizontal. We will control the vertical.”

[option 4] “For Violet’s sake, the average Holly has gotten far too soft,” comments one of your brothers, looking at your niece with disgust. “We need to educate them to have thicker skin and take a joke or two, no matter how crude. How about we add a class or two in our education system that’ll teach ‘em how to handle some humor?”

I have highlighted the custom fields, or at least the ones that I think they are.

Jutsa wrote:Oh yeah! Congratulations, Sacara! Added it.
ed: another very good issue appropriate for this era.

Political-Apathy wrote:Looks like 593.4 has a validity because I didn't get it.

#1,079 - What’s Love Got to Do With It?

The Issue:

When you walk into your office, you see Bart, your personal secretary, in a passionate — and completely illegal — clinch with Ingmar, your other brother.

The Debate

1.) “Yes, Bart and I are in love,” sighs Ingmar, as your personal secretary straightens his tie and smooths his hair. “We’ve been meeting in secret for three years now. It’s been difficult, and I’ve hated hiding it from you. I so wanted to tell my favourite sibling that I met a wonderful human being: intelligent, articulate, caring... but because of the law, I didn’t dare. Isn’t it time to change that law? Do you know how it feels, to be unable to walk down the street with your sweetheart or even buy a Violetine’s Day card without being harassed? Wouldn’t it be just fabulous if we could have the same rights as heterosexual couples?”


2.) “Of course they kept it a secret,” barks your traditionalist Minister of the Interior, as he slams his riding crop repeatedly against his own thigh with unusual pink-cheeked glee. “Because they’re nothing but a pair of sodomites. ‘Love’? Pah! They are no more capable of such wholesome emotion than a pair of orang-utans. And what do we do when we want an animal to cease rutting? We neuter them. All sexual inverts, regardless of gender or social position, must be taken to a medical centre and doctored, so they are incapable of feeling lascivious lusts.” With a long sigh, he finally brings the crop to rest.


3.) “That seems awfully... draconian,” muses Angus Snyder, your Minister of Public Schools, whose fifteen year marriage is childless. “I was just saying to my wife Alex — she’s busy at the forge today: who doesn’t go through a phase in their younger years? It’s expected for a young man or woman to have a very close chum, with whom they tousle, and cuddle and even snog a bit. So I hear. Ingmar will grow out of it. There’s no call for any, shall we say, unpleasantness. Just encourage weddings with a pro-marriage campaign, a matchmaking service specifically for those with close same-sex friends seeking simpatico spouses, and a monetary gift to newly-wed couples. He’ll soon find a nice gal, and forget all about Morty... erm, Bart.”

Issue by The Petrifying Procrastinations of The Free Joy State
Edited by Baggieland

Down With That? [Sacara; ed: Baggieland]

The Issue
A Jutsaish cruise ship ran aground last week in the treacherous waters off the southern coast. The captain, Bob Navratilova, had infamy bestowed upon him after it was found that he abandoned ship before all of the passengers on board safely made it off, defying centuries of maritime tradition.

The Debate
1. “Twenty people drowned in that accident, and that scum-bag decided his life was more important?” rhetorically asks Gretel Tolkien, one of the surviving passengers of the ship, still visibly shaken by what had occurred. “Ship captains should always see to it that everyone on board gets off safely before they do – after all, they can’t direct the rescue effort if they aren’t on the actual ship! If they don’t, we must punish these cowards to the fullest extent of the law!”

2. “Let’s not be too hasty about assigning blame here!” counters Captain Navratilova, who’s remarkably shorter and skinnier than you expected him to be. “I’m just as traumatized as anyone else. I was actually helping coordinate the rescue operation, albeit from the safety of land. It’s not my duty to add to the death toll, is it?”

3. “That captain is nothing but a lily-livered land-lubber!” scoffs Rear Admiral Chen. “When Jutsa first took to the seas, the ship’s captain was obliged to go down with the ship, even if they were within spitting distance of the shore! It was the honourable thing to do back then. We should return to our maritime traditions and any captain that doesn’t like it should be given a good ol’ keel-hauling!”

565.5:
“Please, show a little compassion. C-O-M-P-A-S-S-I-O-N. Compassion!” pleads national spelling champion Dirk Grant, while frantically chewing his nails and twitching uncontrollably. “I have to concentrate if I’m going to get into a top university, and if a little pill can help me, then why shouldn’t it be my choice? Some students guzzle coffee or munch chocolates, and those are much worse for their health. Cracking down on academic doping would only be punishing those who want to perform well. That would be counterproductive. C-O-U-N-T...”

565.6:
“Why have exams at all? Everyone knows that they’re a waste of everybody’s time,” admits visibly stressed out teacher Edna Crandall, knocking back a handful of nicotine-replacement lozenges. “In fact, do we really need a proper curriculum to follow? Schools and teachers should be able to teach whatever they think is relevant. This can be learning a new language or the intricacies of soap opera love triangles. The schools would save some cash, and it would make my job much easier too.”

Jutsa wrote:Got 1078, myself.

#1078 Down With That?

The Issue

A @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ cruise ship ran aground last week in the treacherous waters off the southern coast. The captain, @@RANDOMNAME_1@@, had infamy bestowed upon @@HIM/HER_1@@ after it was found that @@HE/SHE_1@@ abandoned ship before all of the passengers on board safely made it off, defying centuries of maritime tradition.

The Debate

1. "Twenty people drowned in that accident, and that scum-bag decided his life was more important?" rhetorically asks @@RANDOMNAME@@, one of the surviving passengers of the ship, still visibly shaken by what had occurred. "Ship captains should always see to it that everyone on board gets off safely before they do – after all, they can't direct the rescue effort if they aren't on the actual ship! If they don't, we must punish these cowards to the fullest extent of the law!"

2. "Let's not be too hasty about assigning blame here!" counters Captain @@RANDOMLASTNAME_1@@, who's remarkably shorter and skinnier than you expected @@HIM/HER_1@@ to be. "I'm just as traumatized as anyone else. I was actually helping coordinate the rescue operation, albeit from the safety of land. It's not my duty to add to the death toll, is it?"

3. "That captain is nothing but a lily-livered land-lubber!" scoffs Rear Admiral @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@. "When @@NAME@@ first took to the seas, the ship's captain was obliged to go down with the ship, even if they were within spitting distance of the shore! It was the honourable thing to do back then. We should return to our maritime traditions and any captain that doesn't like it should be given a good ol' keel-hauling!"

Issue by Sacara
Edited by Baggieland

Trotterdam wrote:I can confirm that all names are random, though the genders are still uncertain (probably random, though).

#1080 The End Was Nigh

The Issue

48 hours ago, Lieutenant Colonel Barry Powell of the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Air Defence Force received a nuclear missile detection alert advising him that an ICBM from the hostile nation of Blackacre was inbound for @@CAPITAL@@. According to military protocol, he should have reported this immediately, which would have led to a nuclear counter-strike. However, he suspected a false alarm, and did not alert anyone of his findings until later. Subsequent investigations showed that the system had actually detected a red balloon.

The Debate

1. "Barry saved the world from apocalypse!" sings Mrs. Powell, his doting mother. "Had he reported this, we would all now be radioactive ash! He should be lauded as a hero, and a saviour of the world's future! Speaking of the future, you should really put more tax money into malfunction detection training and overhauling the equipment. If my little angel isn't on duty and something like this happens again, who knows what might happen?"

2. "Sure, let's reward him for not doing his job," sneers your Minister of Propaganda. "We'd become an international laughingstock. Instead, we must pretend this never happened, and Barry Powell must be demoted and appropriately disciplined for breaking protocol." She leans forward to whisper in your ear. "We'll probably need to do something about his mother, too."

3. "The fact that we're always on the verge of nuclear apocalypse is a real problem here," suggests Finlay Wiener, pacifist author of nonfiction paperback Nukes: What Are They Good For?. "We must get rid of all of our weapons of mass destruction, so we can avoid, you know, destroying the world."

4. "Hey, what idiot put a red balloon up there?" asks globophobe Willy Denbrough, who had a bad experience with a clown back in 1986. "They're a waste of helium and are just useless nasty things. If we ban balloons, we'll be sure this problem won't arise again!"7

Issue by Jutsa
Edited by Candlewhisper Archive