NationStates Issues **SPOILER ALERT**

[Candlewhisper Archive]

There's no option validity checks in 256. As Trotterdam says, we try not to limit choices in one-off easter eggs.

The above player was likely reporting on 254, which was recently assigned to him, and he was not eligible for option 3 in view of a policy of autarky.

[Conservative-Europe]

Yep, it is 254,, my bad.

[Shen Yun]

899
Uncultured Singles in Your Area


The Issue

Qraft of Shen Yun, the largest dairy corporation in the nation, is facing grating criticism in the form of letters and protests involving blue cheese stink bombs. The denunciation of the company comes from independent rural cheesemakers angered over the production of individually wrapped slices of processed cheese, or singles. Cheese traditionalists, dairy dons, and queso collectivists have intruded on your peaceful lunch at the Shen Yun City Deli to make their voices heard over the sounds of the mechanical slicing of cheese.

The Debate

1.“Zese vile Shen Yunian corporations are appropriating ze label of cheese, as if le plastique is authentique!” laments the passionate and flamboyant Vincent Fromage, Brancaland’s famous cheese connoisseur, as he smears moose brie on a slice of toasted bread. “Zese bland mockeries of real cheese are a disgrace to this nation’s cheesemaking heritage. Ze corporations should be restricted from calling zese glorified napkins ‘cheese’ and save that label for propeur products like Brancaland’s wondeurful blocks and roulettes, or Smalltopian Muenster, or...” He stops to clean breadcrumbs off his flashy suit.

2.“That’s not enough to stop FAKE CHEESE! My comrade is merely a petty bourgeois puppet for the Shen Yunian Chiefs of Cheddar,” exclaims Karl Engels Bryndza, a notorious Brancalandian social and economic reformer and part time milk-sourer, as he consumes a grilled Shen Yun City Jack sandwich. “REAL cheese traditionalists are tired of the oppression systematically imposed by dairy corporations. I say it’s time for us, the real cheesemakers, to take control! Seizing the means of production if you will. We will strip away the tyranny of those corrupt corporations like Qraft!”


3. A large figure emerges from the shadows of the deli’s backroom. “Alas, only when it comes to cheese do these Marxists seem to care about our culture,” sighs the immense silhouette of Qraft’s CEO, known only as The Big Cheese. “These uneducated peasants always threaten to regulate industry, or even seize control of the nation’s companies. My company has every right to call our processed singles ‘cheese,’ even if they happen to be wobbly slices of soured milk, orange coloring, and emulsifiers. You don’t expect citizens to buy ‘individually-wrapped cheese product’ or ‘pre-sliced cheese substitute,’ do you?”


4.“What a bunch of radical lunatics!” remarks Khethiwe Hester, mayor of a dairy village in the Shen Yunian countryside. “Biggie Cheese over here and that Karl Angle character are using a topic as trivial as the production of cheese to increase their power and influence. However, Mister Cheese was right about leaving the processed cheese industry alone.” She eats a cube of smelly Chineese cheese with a toothpick. “Many of these bumpkins, I mean craftsmen, live in poverty. Giving them a little assistance would satisfy the blessed cheesemakers, and ensure that they stick to making authentic Shen Yunian cheese rather than intervene with the productivity of our processed cheese single factories.”

Issue by The Indulgent J-Heaven of Ljeb Bodo

Edited by Zwangzug

[Fauxia]

900 ISSUES!

Issue 900: Piracy on the High Trees

Both a popular ornamental and a prized source of lumber, the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ cherry tree, has spiked in value due to @@NAME@@’s recent bespoke furniture craze. Coincidentally, there has also been a spike in bandit lumberjacks surreptitiously stealing shade trees from residences in the middle of the night.

“The streets are filled with chainsaws right now and it’s frankly disgusting,” growls gruff detective Lana Shewhart, while photographing a branch from a fresh crime scene. “The other day I saw a bunch of flannel-clad hooligans walking to the park, each one chainsaw in hand, and I couldn’t do anything. Create a chainsaw registry, linking each saw owner to a chainsaw’s unique wear patterns, and I promise you we’ll have this crime wave licked faster than you can say ‘timber’.”

“Willful waste, makes woeful want,” chides noted antiques dealer Rick Beachcroft. “We already have plenty of perfectly good furniture in @@NAME@@. We just need to revitalize the art of upholstery repair. The government should sponsor restoration classes and subsidize the sale of refurbished furniture. It would also allow for some reasonable environmental regulations to help preserve the trees before they’re gone.”

“The problem, I’m afraid, is capitalism” declares Yui Green, a noted socialist thinker. “If we just nationalized the ownership of all trees there’d be no question as to which trees were harvested legally since only the government could harvest them. Furthermore, we’d be assured that all the forestry in @@NAME@@ is sustainable because we’d be the ones doing it. Who else can Fauxians possibly trust to handle these important matters besides the government?”

“Wha’ be th’ problem?” ask notorious logger, Captain William Ash, who, after losing a hand in a rumored chainsaw duel, had it replaced with a handsaw. “We... er... Th’ pirate loggers are jus’ usin’ a valuable resource that those homeowners were wastin’ as shade trees. Once trees get t’ a merchantable size, anyone best be able t’ log them no matter whose land they be on. ‘N if anyone disagrees I’ll send them t’ Davy Jones’ locker!”

Issue by The Vast Unified Mangrove and Danish Tree Grove and Archipelago in the North Pacific Ocean of Ransium

Edited by Nation of Quebec

[Jutsa]

omgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgOMG!

Ok... now that that's out of my system...

Rejoice! I actually remember the cheese singles draft, and it's nice to see it in the game. Also nice to see Zwanzug in there.

Also nice to see another issue that helps furniture restoration, and technically another piracy issue.

Added both! Keep your eyes open for 898. :3

Also updating the list of nations thanks to #899.

Final note: I have no idea if any of the names in these two are random or not, so I've kept them fixed for now.

[Bob The Great Builder]

900 Communist option
4 “The problem, I’m afraid, is a lack of capitalism” declares Sven Schmidt, a noted capitalist thinker. “Government control of the timber market has left there to be too much pent-up demand. If we privatized the timber industry the invisible hand would find the proper price, which would dry up the black market that is driving this theft. Actually the same could be said for other Bob The Great Builder industries.”

[Jutsa]

Updating now. :3

[Trotterdam]

Added both! Keep your eyes open for 898. :3

You'll need to have slavery for that one.

[Jutsa]

y e s! Another MI one! >:D

[Australian rePublic]

Stop Trainin' Start Coachin'

A feasibility study into railway lines in the boondocks of Australian rePublic has suggested that they are economically unsustainable. It is reported that some lines are running trains with less than one passenger per carriage on average. The committee behind the study has suggested that these lines be shut down, and replaced with coach services.

The Debate

“This is an unfortunate situation, but it isn’t in the public’s interest to maintain every single line when a coach service would do just as well,” observes Yoko Kumar, Chair of the Feasibility Committee, and coincidentally also director of the largest coach factory in the country. “While buses may offer somewhat slower travel, they can offer more tailored and direct routes for small towns with small populations. They’re also cheap and require far less maintenance.”

Accept

“Stupid, bloody townies!” screams Daenerys Rubin, a disgruntled long-term resident of an isolated mountain village. “We need good and sturdy transport to get anywhere safely and comfortably, and to maintain trade and supply links with the rest of the country. The rail might not make a direct profit, but it stimulates the wider economy. The government should pay for rail connections to every place that has someone living in it. Plus, have you ever been on a long distance bus? That many folk in a small enclosed space for that many hours... well, let’s just say travel sickness isn’t the only reason passengers feel nauseous.”

Accept

“I don’t see why rural people need public transport at all,” protests Howard Adams, a city dweller holding a ‘Taxation is Theft’ placard. “If they choose to live in isolation, then they should deal with the consequences. It’s not like in the city, where commuter trains are standing room only. Not only should you cut government spending on public transport to rural communities, you should reinvest it in city centre infrastructure.”

Accept

Dismiss This Issue

Issue by The Planetary Alliance of Jutsa and The Federation of Australian rePublic

Edited by Candlewhisper Archive

[Jutsa]

Teehee, already added, Aussie.

[Fauxia]

For the record, I got 1,2,3,5 on 900, so we have options 1-5, so probably all of them.

[Mushir Khayr ad-Din Barbarossa]

#898: Two’s Company, Three’s a Crowd, Four’s an Uprising

The Issue
Slave owners across Mushir Khayr ad-Din Barbarossa report increased antagonistic behavior from their slaves. The masters’ position is made more precarious in some rural areas of the country, where the enslaved outnumber everyone else by four to one. Fearing imminent rebellion, you have met with prominent slavers in the extravagant cocktail lounge of the القدس الهبوط Auction House to discuss a solution.

The Debate
“These are dark days, Abdul-Aziz ibn Abdullah Al ash-Sheikh; we must economize,” concedes a wealthy slaver as he struggles to jam an olive onto his own cocktail stick. “We have far more slaves than we can comfortably control. We have to downscale before we have a rebellion on our uncalloused hands. I propose that we hold the largest slave auction ever, in this very building. We’ll invite all the great masters of the world and export our excess chattel. Then, we’ll no longer be threatened, and we’ll have plenty of dough to boot!”

“Addressing the slaves’ aggression is easier,” opines Elizabeth Pushkin, a young basket weaving magnate, taking a sip from her drink. “If you all treated your slaves with the kindness I do, they would adore you and would never wish to rebel. I grant all slaves a fifteen minute break every day and one whole Akçe biannually, to spend as they wish! We should also allow them to keep a percentage of the things they produce; a little light labor is nothing when it earns you a free basket.”

“For an owner, you sure do have that slave morality,” growls Jean-Paul Wiseau, infamously the cruelest slave owner in Mushir Khayr ad-Din Barbarossa, as he lovingly caresses his whip. “We need slaves, but we must not make ourselves vulnerable. Slaves must wear identification tattoos, and their time and behavior must be closely monitored. Punish any disobedience with public beatings, or a bloody execution: that’s how a slave learns to mind their manners.”

“There is only one way to prevent a rebellion,” declares Grace Douglas, the widow of a late slave holder, as she pours herself a boysenberry mocktail from the bar. “Free all the slaves and ban slavery. I freed all my husband’s slaves last week and no harm has befallen me. People are more productive if they aren’t living in fear, if they’re working for fair compensation. These slaves are human beings and our fellow Amir al-Mu’minins. Break their chains and set your Amir al-Mu’minins free!”

Issue by The Hateful Disgrace of The Marsupial Illuminati
Edited by The Free Joy State

[Jutsa]

Updated! Also hopefully got the macros right for both 898 and 899.

[Aikoland]

#901
You Buy That?

The Issue
In the webgame Surreal Estates, players pay a fee to buy a patch of pixels on a gigantic map of the Moon and build virtual “moon kingdoms”. Part of their marketing strategy includes deliberately misleading advertising, with web banners and a serious-looking website selling “designated plots of lunar land for your own piece of the moon” while minimizing emphasis on the property being virtual rather than real. A group of new users has filed a class action lawsuit against the company, claiming that the game designers are systematically cheating customers out of their money.

The Debate
“This is a blatant fraud! The stupid Terms and Conditions were buried in one corner of the website, in illegible yellow-on-white 3-point font size!” whines Fahd Springsteen, showing you the 3D images of a lunar mansion flanked by palm trees on his laptop. “I spent hundreds of dins on ten acres of lunar land, thinking this was a great bargain. But all I got was a lousy virtual space to build a lousy virtual home with lousy virtual bricks! Misled customers should be given a full refund, and websites should be responsible for providing unmistakably clear disclaimers.”


“The Terms and Conditions are legally sound; we had our lawyers draft something suitably mislea... watertight,” defends Lana Brewer, the CEO of Surreal Estates. “This is just a game for a nice virtual Moon colonization experience, and even children can understand that! Contract law is the foundation of stable society and economic growth - don’t jeopardise that just because some fools don’t read things before agreeing to them. Incidentally, they’re free to cancel their subscriptions, though there’s a small exit fee and some mandatory secondary economic commitments that go with that...”


While you are discussing this, a pop-up message appears on your computer desktop. “You now have the chance to contribute to building a space colony on the Moon, and all you need to do is to provide us with the permissions required by law so that we might embark on this thrilling adventure that will take our scientific advancement to new heights! Please read these terms and conditions of use carefully before accessing, using, or obtaining any materials, information, products, or services. By agreeing to the terms and conditions, you grant The Lunatic Mission® access to all your personal data, and agree to subscribe to our services, including the Lunar Real Estate Service®, Lunar Transportation Service®, and Lunar Insurance Service®. You hereby grant The Lunatic Mission® the exclusive right to organize, conduct, and cancel all space missions to be launched from Aikoland, and agree to provide stable funding for all missions, with the exact amount to be paid being specified in Clause 4.116 of this document...” Scrolling to the end after several thousand more words, you see a button marked ‘I AGREE.’

Issue by The Democratic Island Federation of Frieden-und Freudenland

Edited by Candlewhisper Archive

[Jutsa]

Interesting issue. Long text.

Updated! Hopefully I got all of the macros right...

also, no clue if there's a state-run varient to option 2... though I'm assuming not? wouldn't hurt to check the numbers, though.
Many thanks.

[Candlewhisper Archive]

Interesting issue. Long text.

Heh, you should have seen it before the edit.

Actually, let me show you...

While you are discussing this, a pop-up message appears on your computer desktop, which comes from an app that you must have agreed to install when you visited the website of The Lunatic Mission®, a company that aims to build a colony on the Moon within the foreseeable future. The message reads: "You now have the chance to contribute to building a space colony on the Moon, and all you need to do is to provide us with the permissions required by law so that we might embark on this thrilling adventure that will take our scientific advancement to new heights! Please read these terms and conditions of use carefully before accessing, using, or obtaining any materials, information, products, or services. By agreeing to the terms of conditions, you accept to grant access to The Lunatic Mission® to all your personal data, and to subscribe to our services, including the Lunar Real Estate Service®, Lunar Transportation Service®, and Lunar Insurance Service®. You hereby grant The Lunatic Mission® the exclusive right to organize, conduct, and cancel all space missions to be launched from @@NAME@@, and agree to provide a stable funding for all missions, with the exact amount to be paid being specified in Clause 4.116 of this document. The Lunatic Mission® reserves the right to withdraw any products from its website at anytime and/or remove or edit any materials or content on the website. We may refuse to process a transaction for any reason or refuse service to anyone at any time at our sole discretion. We will not be liable to you or any third party by reason of our withdrawing any product from this website whether or not that product has been sold; removing or editing any materials or content on the website; refusing to process a transaction or unwinding or suspending any transaction after processing has begun. To the fullest extent permitted at law, The Lunatic Mission® is providing this website and its contents on an "as is" basis and makes no (and expressly disclaims all) representations or warranties of any kind, express or implied, with respect to this website or the information, content, materials, or products included in this site, including, without limitation, warranties of merchantability and fitness for a particular purpose. In addition, The Lunatic Mission® does not represent or warrant that the information accessible via this website is accurate, complete, or current. Price and availability information is subject to change without notice. Except as specifically stated on this website, to the fullest extent permitted at law, neither The Lunatic Mission®, nor any of its affiliates, directors, employees or other representatives will be liable for damages arising out of or in connection with the use of this website or the information, content, materials or products included on this site. This is a comprehensive limitation of liability that applies to all damages of any kind, including (without limitation) compensatory, direct, indirect or consequential damages, loss of data, income or profit, loss of or damage to property and claims of third parties."

[Fauxia]

Jeez

[Jutsa]

[Blargoblarg]

#902 Killer App

The Issue

Teen pop-sensation ‘Justyn’ is dead, and the police investigation into his brutal murder-by-decapitation has revealed that it was a contract killing, organised through a highly professional ‘dark web’ assassination firm.

The Debate

1. “This talentless teeny-bopper’s pop music may have been criminally bad, but he didn’t deserve the death penalty!” jokes online video blogger and police academy dropout Steffan Usman. “Clearly law enforcement is struggling with modern technology. Emperor Keulan, if you’re watching, take my advice: spend some money on a decent Cyber Crimes division. Fill it with people who might have failed a stupid physical test, but who have tech-savvy and brains. Oh, and in case you’re wondering, yes I’d love to join up!”

2. “You can’t police the internet short of shutting it down, and only a loony would suggest that could be an option. People need to defend themselves at the moment of attack!” asserts former Red Revolutionary turned live-action roleplay enthusiast Asok Cobblepot, via streamed video-link. “The State must arm the People with tasers, so that the People will be able to defend themselves!”

3. “Bonjour!” interjects Victor Reno, a dignified-looking gent who you thought was just a cleaner, as he places a handgun on your desk with its barrel pointing towards you. “OneClickDeath Industries sends its greetings. We would like you to legalise and nationalise our little project, so we can move from the dark web and into the light of state-sanctioned slaughter, Marxism-motivated murder and anti-capitalist decapitations. We would gladly operate from a centrally-administered target list, in return for favoured positions within the People’s Communist Party. Just think on it.” He departs, leaving the handgun on the table.

4. Your phone chimes, as a WotsOn message comes through from your brother: “LOL, M8, ding dong ding dong news Just-yn, POP iz DED, long live GOOD TASTE. U want me to get together a list of other poop-star targets? Haha. I got secure PayBuddy set up, u just say the word, and u strike a blow for music lovers everywhere. BANG BANG BANG! b c-ing u.”

Issue by The Peripatetic Panopticon of Candlewhisper Archive

Edited by The Free Joy State

[Absoloutley Corrupt]

Some changes to issue 224

1 and 2 stayed the same

3.“We don’t need any of these stupid communistic welfare policies,” says Kanye Chatwin, millionaire CEO and star of reality TV show You’re Fired! “Living wages are unworkable! If you make workers expensive, then employers are just going to use fewer or lose profits. They should be grateful for a job, and if they don’t want to work, we should be able to boot them out and hire someone else, no questions asked. Hey, it’s not that I’m not compassionate. I’m the most compassionate person you’ll ever meet. The most!”

4.“I agree, and honestly it’s a detriment to this nation’s businesses that we even have to PAY them wages,” extrapolates corporate executive John Nike. “If slavery was legal, I think we’d find the nation’s economy improving somewhat.”

[Trotterdam]

#902 Killer App

The Issue

Teen pop-sensation 'Justyn' is dead, and the police investigation into his brutal murder-by-decapitation has revealed that it was a contract killing, organised through a highly professional 'dark web' assassination firm.

The Debate

1. "This talentless teeny-bopper's pop music may have been criminally bad, but he didn't deserve the death penalty!" jokes online video blogger and police academy dropout @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Clearly law enforcement is struggling with modern technology. @@LEADER@@, if you're watching, take my advice: spend some money on a decent Cyber Crimes division. Fill it with people who might have failed a stupid physical test, but who have tech-savvy and brains. Oh, and in case you're wondering, yes I'd love to join up!"

2. "You can't police the internet short of shutting it down, and only a loony would suggest that could be an option. People need to defend themselves at the moment of attack!" asserts Tasers'n'Lasers rep @@RANDOMNAME@@, via streamed video-link. "Crazy regulations about so-called 'reasonable force' are holding us back. Let the free market arm the people, so that a free people can freely defend themselves! Though obviously, ahem, not for free."

4. "Bonjour!" interjects Victor Reno, a dignified-looking gent who you thought was just a cleaner, as he places a handgun on your desk with its barrel pointing towards you. "The OneClickDeath Corporation sends its greetings. We would like you to legalise our little enterprise, so we can move from the dark web and into the light of legitimate business, death merchant apps and micropayment mutilations. We would allow you to create a small excluded target list, and will always be fastidious with tax payments. Just think on it." He departs, leaving the handgun on the table.

6. Your phone chimes, as a WotsOn message comes through from your brother: "LOL, M8, ding dong ding dong news Just-yn, POP iz DED, long live GOOD TASTE. U want me to get together a list of other poop-star targets? Haha. I got secure PayBuddy set up, u just say the word, and u strike a blow for music lovers everywhere. BANG BANG BANG! b c-ing u."

Issue by Candlewhisper Archive
Edited by The Free Joy State

Victor Reno is nonrandom. I'm pretty sure the others are random (my option 2 got a different name than Blargoblarg's option 3, which doesn't technically confirm anything since they're different options, but since they're variants it's probably okay).

Note that Blargoblarg's versions of options 3/5 are almost certainly missing some italics.

[Jutsa]

Good golly wolly, this one was a dilly in a pickle to add.

Updated as best as I could figure out how. Let me know if 2/3 are random or fixed,
and, if possible, if I got the italics right.

Many thanks to both of you, though.

[Pencil Sharpeners 2]

Issue 903: Every Breath You Take

The Issue

While another treacherous dissident was being dragged off to execution for not applauding with adequate fervor during your last national address, Selma Jordan, your Minister of Law and Order, happened to overhear him yell, “The Pencil Sharpeners 2ian government might as well outlaw breathing next!” Upon hearing this, she immediately rushed to your office, where she now stands with a wicked smile on her face.

The Debate

1. “Why didn’t I think of this sooner?” asks the Minister, bouncing up and down on her tiptoes. “With a law against breathing on the books and a bit of selective enforcement, this will be a panacea. We won’t have to bother with the work of spying and coming up with trumped-up charges; anyone that we have the faintest inkling of being disloyal can simply be arrested for violating the breathing statute and be done with it.”

2. “Maybe the fact that we’re even considering this says that Pencil Sharpeners 2 has gotten just a tiny bit too... uh... authoritarian,” whispers Aphrodite Rasputin, a low-level aide, while shaking uncontrollably with fear. “Maybe we could give the people just a tiny bit more freedom of thought and the like? I’m not talking anything too radical. I love your glorious regime as much as the next Pencil Sharpeners 2ian, but maybe a bit of exchange of ideas between citizens could make it even better?” She glances at your Minister of Law and Order nervously, and then hastily continues. “Or not. Whatever you think is best! Gotta run!”

3. “While I don’t support outlawing breathing outright, I do think there’s something to this,” states Ebenezer Wright, a cranky old man who has somehow wandered into your office. “Like those annoying mouth-breathers sitting next to you just gasping away while you’re trying to enjoy a quiet cup of coffee. Or those neighbors that keep you up all night with their loud snoring. No, breathing is fine; just make sure everyone keeps it quiet.”

Issue by The Vast Unified Mangrove and Danish Tree Grove and Archipelago in the North Pacific Ocean of Ransium

Edited by Ransium

[Fauxia]

Uh, okay then