NationStates Issues **SPOILER ALERT**

[Thalasse]

Issue 750: Cheerleading Community Does The Splits

The Issue

When East Thalasse City High School denied a male student’s request to join their cheerleading squad, they thought that was the end of it. Since then, the story has been picked up by the national media, with the boy, the cheerleading coach, and a spokesperson from Equality Thalasse giving interviews about the controversy. Now, a gaggle of highly-opinionated and very-spirited individuals have entered your office, demanding your attention.

The Debate

1. “Give me an ‘E’! Give me a ‘Q’! Give me a ‘U’-‘A’-‘L’! Give me an ‘I’, and a ‘T’, and a great big ‘Y’! What’s it spell? EQUALITY!” cries Wojciech Harman, doing an impressive backflip routine in his plaid skirt. “Every boy deserves an equal chance to live out their dreams, whether that dream is to cheer a mediocre football team, or be on a mediocre football team! You must force every school to allow any individual to join any team they want, regardless of sex! Why not? Girls are just as strong as boys, and we boys can be darn cute in these skirts!” Cheering your name, he cartwheels out the door.

2. “Cheerleading is for girls, and only for girls,” asserts middle-aged former cheerleader and parent, Lisa Obama, as she attempts to perform a forward roll, but gets stuck underneath your desk. “Let the boys do wholesome boy sports, like football and boxing, away from our precious daughters! You know what teen boys are like: primitive hormone factories, only after one thing! Besides, with rates of sexual abuse on campuses already so high, you must prevent boys and girls having any contact in sport.” She ceases her attempts to extricate herself from beneath the desk, gasping for air.

3. “You’re both idiots!” thunders Castiel van de Berg, his neck muscles straining against the collar of his camouflage shirt. “Cheerleading is stupid. It’s not even a real sport! The funds wasted on girls prancing about could be used on REAL sports, that help REAL men to become strong and powerful! Taught by manly coaches, like me. Abolish this waste of money immediately, and pour the cash into useful, manly sports!” He punts one of your priceless vases into your equally priceless chandelier.

Issue by The Democratic Republic of Sanhon

Edited by The Free Joy State

[Australian rePublic]

Cheerleading Community Does The Splits

The Issue

When East Canberra High School denied a male student’s request to join their cheerleading squad, they thought that was the end of it. Since then, the story has been picked up by the national media, with the boy, the cheerleading coach, and a spokesperson from Equality Australian Republic giving interviews about the controversy. Now, a gaggle of highly-opinionated and very-spirited individuals have entered your office, demanding your attention.

The Debate

“Give me an ‘E’! Give me a ‘Q’! Give me a ‘U’-‘A’-‘L’! Give me an ‘I’, and a ‘T’, and a great big ‘Y’! What’s it spell? EQUALITY!” cries Ash Schmo, doing an impressive backflip routine in his plaid skirt. “Every boy deserves an equal chance to live out their dreams, whether that dream is to cheer a mediocre football team, or be on a mediocre football team! You must force every school to allow any individual to join any team they want, regardless of sex! Why not? Girls are just as strong as boys, and we boys can be darn cute in these skirts!” Cheering your name, he cartwheels out the door.

Accept“Cheerleading is for girls, and only for girls,” asserts middle-aged former cheerleader and parent, Naki Bacon, as she attempts to perform a forward roll, but gets stuck underneath your desk. “Let the boys do wholesome boy sports, like football and boxing, away from our precious daughters! You know what teen boys are like: primitive hormone factories, only after one thing! Besides, with rates of sexual abuse on campuses already so high, you must prevent boys and girls having any contact in sport.” She ceases her attempts to extricate herself from beneath the desk, gasping for air.

Accept“You’re both idiots!” thunders Emile Giono, his neck muscles straining against the collar of his camouflage shirt. “Cheerleading is stupid. It’s not even a real sport! The funds wasted on girls prancing about could be used on REAL sports, that help REAL men to become strong and powerful! Taught by manly coaches, like me. Abolish this waste of money immediately, and pour the cash into useful, manly sports!” He punts one of your priceless vases into your equally priceless chandelier.

Accept

Dismiss This Issue

Issue by The Democratic Republic of Sanhon

Edited by The Free Joy State

[Bears Armed]

Congratulations, Bears Armed!

Thank you.

And here it is as it entered use, as #749:

Not Mushroom For Error

The Issue
Wild mushroom season is upon @@NAME@@ again, and as is traditional, @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ from all over the country will go out to gather nature’s bounty. In recent years, however, there have been more and more deaths due to people mistaking poisonous fungi for harmless ones.

The Debate
1. “Ignorance is the problem,” comments Mario Morchella, famed plumber and forest forager, passing you a peach he found near an old castle. “You should set up a system for training and licensing people who want to collect wild fungi, require collectors have the best field guide books, and ban any unlicensed individuals from mushroom gathering. Also, increase the number of park rangers, so these life-saving measures are properly enforced.”
2. “Quality is the problem,” suggests Willow Cantharellus, one of Bears Armed’s leading mycologists. “First, let’s ban wild mushroom foraging. But also, we must increase funding for mushroom farming research. I know we can develop domesticated mushroom varieties and farming methods that would match wild ones for variation in type, good taste, and other desired properties. People can have their mushrooms and eat them without risking death too!”
3. “Greed is the problem,” complains Coraline Grifola, Under-Minister for Food Production. “They’re the people’s mushrooms. They should only be harvested by state agents, after which they can be checked by proper experts and then distributed fairly... with priority rationing for senior Party members, of course.”
4. “Cityfolks is the problem,” retorts Rural Association representative @@RANDOMFORENAME@@ Tuber, in his rustic dialect. “We countryfolk knows good ‘shrooms from bad, all right. It’s just townies coming out to take stuff without even a ‘by your leave’ that is getting theyselves into this here trouble. Let’s keep ‘em out of our fields and woods, where they doesn’t belong no-hows, and then they won’t end up deader ‘n four o’clock. Oh, and we’ll supply you with plenty of fine wild mushrooms for free iffen you wants ‘em.”
5. “Mollycoddling is the problem,” grumbles libertarian thinker @@RANDOMFORENAME@@ Amanita. “You should do away with this nanny-state system, and let people take whatever risks they think they can manage; and if they fail… well, then that’s just Darwinism at work.”

Issue by The Free Bears of Bears Armed
Edited by Ransium

I think that all of the names now are fixed.

I've had this again. All of the surnames are fixed. As far as the forenames go, those in the first two options do seem to be fixed; those in the "Cityfolks is the problem" and "Mollycoddling is the problem" options are apparently random; and this time around I didn't get the "Greed is the problem" option so I don't know about the forename there.

Effects lines discovered so far:
"Ignorance is the problem" => 'park rangers perform full-body searches on suspected fungus smugglers'
"Cityfolks is the problem" => 'urbanites are banned from bucolic settings for safety concerns'
"Mollycoddling is the problem" => 'the number of deaths due to poor fungus identification is mushrooming'

[Ransium]

Actually the second forename isn't fixed. Willow would be a great choice if it were though.

[The Knockout Gun Gals]

So now we have the second chain issue? Enemy Within.

[Bears Armed]

Actually the second forename isn't fixed. Willow would be a great choice if it were though.

Oh, just coincidence that I got 'Willow' there two times running then... Okay.

'Coraline' for the leftist option would have been appropriate as a fixed name too, in my opinion, bearing in mind that if we think of 'coral' as a colour we probably visualize some shade of red.

^_^

[Trotterdam]

#751 @@ANIMALPLURAL@@ Breed Contempt

The Issue

A legal battle is raging between the @@NAME@@ Department of Life, The Universe, and Environment and Kay Rumble Property Development Group. While surveying for a luxury condominium complex, a rare @@ANIMAL@@ subspecies, the two-spotted glow-in-the-dark @@ANIMAL@@, was found traipsing around the proposed build site, potentially holding up construction.

The Debate

1. "I'm all for protecting truly endangered animals," grumbles @@RANDOMNAME@@, the head of the housing firm, "but you can't walk ten feet in @@NAME@@ without tripping over @@A@@ @@ANIMAL@@. So what if these particular ones have a different spot on their underbellies or whatever? I'm trying to build houses for people - your people - and I keep running into red tape because of these damn hippies! We need to loosen these protection laws so I can get on with my job."

2. "But the three-striped, er... or was it four-toed @@ANIMAL@@, is truly unique!" squeals @@RANDOMNAME@@, a noted environmentalist, while nursing a baby @@ANIMAL@@. "This subspecies is rare enough without these greedy opportunists destroying the only habitat they have left. These poor darlings need our protection. If an endangered species, subspecies, or genetically diverse population has been spotted, no form of molestation or habitat destruction should be allowed."

3. "With all due respect, you're huffing and puffing over a truly simple matter," chastens @@RANDOMNAME@@, an amateur carpenter, while patting your shoulder gently. "We don't need to drive these creatures nor land-development to extinction. If we require developers create new habitat to replace whatever endangered populations they destroy, then everybody wins, don't they? I'm sure the two-spotted glow-in-the-dark @@ANIMAL@@ will adapt just fine to their new, man-made habitats."

Issue by Luna Amore
Edited by Ransium

Names, just in case:
1. Kanye Vonnegut
2. Peggy Cruise
3. Xu Kimmel

[The Candy Of Bottles]

#751 @@ANIMALPLURAL@@ Breed Contempt

The Issue

A legal battle is raging between the @@NAME@@ Department of Life, The Universe, and Environment and Kay Rumble Property Development Group. While surveying for a luxury condominium complex, a rare @@ANIMAL@@ subspecies, the two-spotted glow-in-the-dark @@ANIMAL@@, was found traipsing around the proposed build site, potentially holding up construction.

The Debate

1. "I'm all for protecting truly endangered animals," grumbles @@RANDOMNAME@@, the head of the housing firm, "but you can't walk ten feet in @@NAME@@ without tripping over @@A@@ @@ANIMAL@@. So what if these particular ones have a different spot on their underbellies or whatever? I'm trying to build houses for people - your people - and I keep running into red tape because of these damn hippies! We need to loosen these protection laws so I can get on with my job."

2. "But the three-striped, er... or was it four-toed @@ANIMAL@@, is truly unique!" squeals @@RANDOMNAME@@, a noted environmentalist, while nursing a baby @@ANIMAL@@. "This subspecies is rare enough without these greedy opportunists destroying the only habitat they have left. These poor darlings need our protection. If an endangered species, subspecies, or genetically diverse population has been spotted, no form of molestation or habitat destruction should be allowed."

3. "With all due respect, you're huffing and puffing over a truly simple matter," chastens @@ANIMAL@@, an amateur carpenter, while patting your shoulder gently. "We don't need to drive these creatures nor land-development to extinction. If we require developers create new habitat to replace whatever endangered populations they destroy, then everybody wins, don't they? I'm sure the two-spotted glow-in-the-dark @@ANIMAL@@ will adapt just fine to their new, man-made habitats."

Issue by Luna Amore
Edited by Ransium

Names, just in case:
1. Kanye Vonnegut
2. Peggy Cruise
3. Xu Kimmel

Yep, Random names in all cases. I got Male-Male-Female.

[Ransium]

Huh, I don't remember making the speaker in 3 an animal. It is an interesting twist though.

[Trotterdam]

Not my good day today!

I'm going to pretend I can blame #258.

[The Atlae Isles]

The one I wrote:

#752: The Immortal Cells of Mrs. Gratwick

The Issue

Two generations ago, scientists took a biopsy of a tumor from a cancer patient named Elizabeth Gratwick, who died soon after. Without her knowledge or consent, these cells were preserved in the laboratory and proved to be exceptionally stable in replication. As stable cancer cell lines are highly useful for medical research, “ElGr cells” have been sent to and used by scientists all over the world. However, objections are now being raised by Elizabeth’s descendants.

The Debate

1. “We thought my poor grandmother’s remains had been buried in accordance with her wishes,” growls Elizabeth’s direct descendant, Catherine Gratwick. “Can’t you let her rest in peace? This is her body that you’re messing with. You can’t just irradiate and poison her; you must ask me first! How would you like it if your family’s remains were exhumed and mutilated? You must never use cells from deceased people without the explicit pre-mortem consent of the patient or their relatives. As for granny - I insist that all remaining samples of her be buried, and that you financially compensate her family for the pain and grief you have caused!”

2. “No! ElGr cells are a scientific miracle!” cries biologist @@RANDOMNAME@@, jiggling a beaker full of purplish goop as @@HE@@ waves @@HIS@@ arms in exasperation. “These cells have been a breakthrough; not only in testing cures for cancer, but also in understanding how cancer develops and functions! All these years later, these cells keep chugging along, outliving all the others! Who knows, with these cells, we might even one day unlock a path to immortality! Are you going to let bureaucracy get in the way of SCIENCE?”

3. “This stuff is funny!” giggles your niece, squishing her fingers in the goop. “It’s all warm, gluey, and bouncy! Someone should be turning out this stuff for kids to play with, or as sticky putty to stick posters to walls, or whatever. You’ve got, like, an infinite supply of it, so that’s good economics, right?”

Issue by The SEPC Magister Deputy Provost of The Atlae Isles
Edited by Candlewhisper Archive

If you wanted the name for #2 I got, it was "Zeke Huxley."

[Drasnia]

The one I wrote:

#752: The Immortal Cells of Mrs. Gratwick

The Issue

Two generations ago, scientists took a biopsy of a tumor from a cancer patient named Elizabeth Gratwick, who died soon after. Without her knowledge or consent, these cells were preserved in the laboratory and proved to be exceptionally stable in replication. As stable cancer cell lines are highly useful for medical research, “ElGr cells” have been sent to and used by scientists all over the world. However, objections are now being raised by Elizabeth’s descendants.

The Debate

1. “We thought my poor grandmother’s remains had been buried in accordance with her wishes,” growls Elizabeth’s direct descendant, Catherine Gratwick. “Can’t you let her rest in peace? This is her body that you’re messing with. You can’t just irradiate and poison her; you must ask me first! How would you like it if your family’s remains were exhumed and mutilated? You must never use cells from deceased people without the explicit pre-mortem consent of the patient or their relatives. As for granny - I insist that all remaining samples of her be buried, and that you financially compensate her family for the pain and grief you have caused!”

2. “No! ElGr cells are a scientific miracle!” cries biologist @@RANDOMNAME@@, jiggling a beaker full of purplish goop as @@HE@@ waves @@HIS@@ arms in exasperation. “These cells have been a breakthrough; not only in testing cures for cancer, but also in understanding how cancer develops and functions! All these years later, these cells keep chugging along, outliving all the others! Who knows, with these cells, we might even one day unlock a path to immortality! Are you going to let bureaucracy get in the way of SCIENCE?”

3. “This stuff is funny!” giggles your niece, squishing her fingers in the goop. “It’s all warm, gluey, and bouncy! Someone should be turning out this stuff for kids to play with, or as sticky putty to stick posters to walls, or whatever. You’ve got, like, an infinite supply of it, so that’s good economics, right?” [valid for capitalists only]

3. "This stuff is funny!" giggles your niece, squishing her fingers in the goop. "It's all warm, gluey, and bouncy! State factories should be turning out this stuff, for kids to play with, or as sticky putty to stick posters to walls, or whatever. You have a near infinite supply, and it'll be good for national productivity figures, right?" [valid for non-capitalists only]

Issue by The SEPC Magister Deputy Provost of The Atlae Isles
Edited by Candlewhisper Archive

If you wanted the name for #2 I got, it was "Zeke Huxley."

Yup, it's @@RANDOMNAME@@ as I got Alice Chen.

[Candlewhisper Archive]

That spoiler isn't correct, Atlae Isles. That's the midway draft that I sent to you during the editing process, not the final result.

[The Atlae Isles]

That spoiler isn't correct, Atlae Isles. That's the midway draft that I sent to you during the editing process, not the final result.

Well, disregard the second option 3, because I didn't receive it.

#752: The Immortal Cells of Mrs. Gratwick

The Issue

Two generations ago, scientists took a biopsy of a tumor from a cancer patient named Elizabeth Gratwick, who died soon after. Without her knowledge or consent, these cells were preserved in the laboratory and proved to be exceptionally stable in replication. As stable cancer cell lines are highly useful for medical research, “ElGr cells” have been sent to and used by scientists all over the world. However, objections are now being raised by Elizabeth’s descendants.

The Debate

1. “We thought my poor grandmother’s remains had been buried in accordance with her wishes,” growls Elizabeth’s direct descendant, Catherine Gratwick. “Can’t you let her rest in peace? This is her body that you’re messing with. You can’t just irradiate and poison her; you must ask me first! How would you like it if your family’s remains were exhumed and mutilated? You must never use cells from deceased people without the explicit pre-mortem consent of the patient or their relatives. As for granny - I insist that all remaining samples of her be buried, and that you financially compensate her family for the pain and grief you have caused!”

2. “No! ElGr cells are a scientific miracle!” cries biologist @@RANDOMNAME@@, jiggling a beaker full of purplish goop as @@HE@@ waves @@HIS@@ arms in exasperation. “These cells have been a breakthrough; not only in testing cures for cancer, but also in understanding how cancer develops and functions! All these years later, these cells keep chugging along, outliving all the others! Who knows, with these cells, we might even one day unlock a path to immortality! Are you going to let bureaucracy get in the way of SCIENCE?”

3. “This stuff is funny!” giggles your niece, squishing her fingers in the goop. “It’s all warm, gluey, and bouncy! Someone should be turning out this stuff for kids to play with, or as sticky putty to stick posters to walls, or whatever. You’ve got, like, an infinite supply of it, so that’s good economics, right?”

[Trotterdam]

I'm not seeing the difference between the first and second copies, other than the lack of a communist option?

[Nouveau Yathrib]

The one I wrote:

#752: The Immortal Cells of Mrs. Gratwick

The Issue

Two generations ago, scientists took a biopsy of a tumor from a cancer patient named Elizabeth Gratwick, who died soon after. Without her knowledge or consent, these cells were preserved in the laboratory and proved to be exceptionally stable in replication. As stable cancer cell lines are highly useful for medical research, “ElGr cells” have been sent to and used by scientists all over the world. However, objections are now being raised by Elizabeth’s descendants.

The Debate

1. “We thought my poor grandmother’s remains had been buried in accordance with her wishes,” growls Elizabeth’s direct descendant, Catherine Gratwick. “Can’t you let her rest in peace? This is her body that you’re messing with. You can’t just irradiate and poison her; you must ask me first! How would you like it if your family’s remains were exhumed and mutilated? You must never use cells from deceased people without the explicit pre-mortem consent of the patient or their relatives. As for granny - I insist that all remaining samples of her be buried, and that you financially compensate her family for the pain and grief you have caused!”

2. “No! ElGr cells are a scientific miracle!” cries biologist @@RANDOMNAME@@, jiggling a beaker full of purplish goop as @@HE@@ waves @@HIS@@ arms in exasperation. “These cells have been a breakthrough; not only in testing cures for cancer, but also in understanding how cancer develops and functions! All these years later, these cells keep chugging along, outliving all the others! Who knows, with these cells, we might even one day unlock a path to immortality! Are you going to let bureaucracy get in the way of SCIENCE?”

3. “This stuff is funny!” giggles your niece, squishing her fingers in the goop. “It’s all warm, gluey, and bouncy! Someone should be turning out this stuff for kids to play with, or as sticky putty to stick posters to walls, or whatever. You’ve got, like, an infinite supply of it, so that’s good economics, right?” [valid for capitalists only]

3. "This stuff is funny!" giggles your niece, squishing her fingers in the goop. "It's all warm, gluey, and bouncy! State factories should be turning out this stuff, for kids to play with, or as sticky putty to stick posters to walls, or whatever. You have a near infinite supply, and it'll be good for national productivity figures, right?" [valid for non-capitalists only]

Issue by The SEPC Magister Deputy Provost of The Atlae Isles
Edited by Candlewhisper Archive

If you wanted the name for #2 I got, it was "Zeke Huxley."

I love the headline for the first option. "The dartboard at the @DEMONYM@ Cancer Research Charity bears a picture of Leader's face."

[The Atlae Isles]

I'm not seeing the difference between the first and second copies, other than the lack of a communist option?

To be honest, I think that´s where the difference stops. Maybe the 3rd option encompasses both capitalism and communism.

[Bears Armed]

If you wanted the name for #2 I got, it was "Zeke Huxley."

Yup, it's @@RANDOMNAME@@ as I got Alice Chen.

'Huxley' would actually be quite an appropriate surname in that context...

[Ransium]

Maybe the random name generator is slowly becoming sentient

[Drasnia]

Maybe the random name generator is slowly becoming sentient

It's been sentient before.

[Ransium]

When I got my the first issue I ever wrote the character that was most modeled after me was given my real first name. I don't recall seeing that first name previously or after either. The truth is out there

[Xyzzy]

753: I’ve Got My Ion You

The Issue

Thanks to a marathon of military sci-fi films at Xyzzy High Command’s recent movie night, most of the four-star generals and senior officers in the adventurer armed forces are abuzz with enthusiasm about next generation weaponry. In particular, there’s growing excitement around the idea of plasma weaponry: that is, the use of projected superheated ionized hydrogen gas to destroy your enemies.

The Debate

1. “PEW! PEW! PEW! Just think of the possibilities, Leader!” exclaims Professor Yasmin Blair, an experimental physicist who has been seconded to your military, proudly displaying a clay model of a gnarly-looking plasma cannon. “We can make plasma flamethrowers, plasma machine guns, plasma ship cannon, plasma howitzers, plasma knives, basically plasma anything! With sheer firepower, we’d be able to overpower anything and anybody! We’re... just a bit low on funding... so can you buy us the gear we need?”

2. ?

3. “This stuff is far too unstable to be deployed as a weapon of war!” yelps pacifist physician and aid worker Dr. Cortana Hall. “For the good of the nation and international peace, you should be concentrating solely on the healthcare and industry applications of plasma and laser devices.” She then proceeds to spray-paint a peace sign on your desk.

4. “I think we can compromise,” offers grey-suited logistician Homer Nixon, looking worriedly over the latest prices of neodymium and high-output capacitors. “How about we simply stop this plasma weaponry research, and instead divert the money to buying tried-and-tested conventional weaponry?”

^{Issue by The Educated Jovianist Democracy of Jovian Socialist Republic
Edited by Candlewhisper Archive}

[The Atlae Isles]

Maybe the random name generator is slowly becoming sentient

Strange, since I actually know an Alice Chen.

[Trotterdam]

Here's the full version:

#753 I’ve Got My Ion You

The Issue

Thanks to a marathon of military sci-fi films at @@NAME@@ High Command's recent movie night, most of the four-star generals and senior officers in the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ armed forces are abuzz with enthusiasm about next generation weaponry. In particular, there's growing excitement around the idea of plasma weaponry: that is, the use of projected superheated ionized hydrogen gas to destroy your enemies.

The Debate

1. "PEW! PEW! PEW! Just think of the possibilities, Leader!" exclaims Professor @@RANDOMNAME@@, an experimental physicist who has been seconded to your military, proudly displaying a clay model of a gnarly-looking plasma cannon. "We can make plasma flamethrowers, plasma machine guns, plasma ship cannon, plasma howitzers, plasma knives, basically plasma anything! With sheer firepower, we'd be able to overpower anything and anybody! We're... just a bit low on funding... so can you buy us the gear we need?"

2. "But this is going to be the hottest new thing," interjects @@RANDOMNAME@@, CEO of HydrogenScience Corp. "You have to let the private sector in on the profits! Just share with us any early data and blueprints you have, and we'll give your nation special discount rates when we sell plasma weaponry to the world. Oh, we'll also need permission to sell plasma pistols and rifles to your citizenry as well! The only way to stop a bad guy with a plasma rifle is a good guy with a plasma rifle: access to white-hot killing power is the fundamental right of every man, woman and child!"

3. "This stuff is far too unstable to be deployed as a weapon of war!" yelps pacifist physician and aid worker Dr. @@RANDOMNAME@@. "For the good of the nation and international peace, you should be concentrating solely on the healthcare and industry applications of plasma and laser devices." @@HE/SHE@@ then proceeds to spray-paint a peace sign on your desk.

4. "I think we can compromise," offers grey-suited logistician @@RANDOMNAME@@, looking worriedly over the latest prices of neodymium and high-output capacitors. "How about we simply stop this plasma weaponry research, and instead divert the money to buying tried-and-tested conventional weaponry?"

Issue by Jovian Socialist Republic
Edited by Candlewhisper Archive

All names random. Validity for option 2 should be obvious.

[Heliosphere]

Issue 754: The Hit Parade

The Issue

Two decommissioned satellites recently collided, the Heliospherean craft Meteor-4, and East Lebatuck’s Sputnak-3. In the aftermath, scientists have become alarmed over the possibility of Kessler syndrome, a phenomenon where the density of debris in space becomes so high collisions can have a domino effect, causing further collisions and debris. Using crayons and peanut butter, your aides have drawn you a diagram to try to convince you that this positive feedback loop could ultimately destroy all low earth orbit satellites, making space travel impossible for generations.

The Debate

1. “I have a bad feeling about this,” warns famously handsome astronaut, Lieutenant George Kloonalski. “It’s the same feeling I once had on a space walk while repairing a satellite, and that did not end up going well. But I don’t want to bore you with my space stories, the point is, reforms are desperately needed to make sure collisional cascading does not happen. You should make sure every satellite launched in Heliosphere has high standards of safety and planning, most importantly having a plan for satellite disposal at mission’s end. Given the gravity of the situation, I think these steps are unavoidable.”

2. “Taking unilateral action is futile if other space-faring nations do not also act in kind,” remarks mediator Carey Fissinger, well known for space shuttle diplomacy. “We need to immediately launch an international space debris summit to assure that all nations, not just Heliosphere, properly regulate launched satellites. Given the dependence of modern economies on satellites, we shouldn’t be afraid to use trade sanctions and other forms of political pressure to persuade all nations to agree to global regulations.”

3. “But East Lebatuck started it!” whines Konrad Butler, one of your more petulant advisers. ”Meteor-4 was just fine until that stupid Sputnak-3 hit it. We shouldn’t have to do anything other than tell the world where we’re putting satellites. It’s up to East Lebatuck to move out of our way!”

Issue by The United Mangrove Archipelago of Ransium

Edited by Candlewhisper Archive