Valentine’s Changelog 022
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Added the rest of the issues! ^^
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by Valentine Z » Thu Dec 17, 2020 6:49 am
by Paffnia » Thu Dec 17, 2020 10:08 am
“Ah, the capitalist pigs have arrived!” smirks East Lebatuckese Chairman Joseph Rushev, who was handing out hammer-and-sickle pins to the local residents. “The proud workers of San Vitenzo are tired of putting up with imperialist harassment. Stationing our nuclear weapons here liberates them from the threat of outside interference. With our support and protection, San Vitenzo can divert funding from their military to schools, roads, and other infrastructure. Now kindly remove yourselves from this island before you get into any trouble — and take your navy with you.”
by Giovanniland » Thu Dec 17, 2020 11:38 am
#1426: She’s a Keeper [Honeydewistania and Australian rePublic, ed: Electrum]
The Issue
A recent top division women’s football match set the lowest all-time attendance record of just five people.
The Debate
1. “Women’s football is losing the federation a lot of money,” sighs @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Football Federation president Seth Blather as he polishes his pricey Spinex watch. “It’s a catch-22. No one wants to watch women’s football because it is lower quality, but we can’t invest in player development without a paying audience. The whole industry will collapse without government funding. We’ll use the money to develop grassroots sport, hire professional managers, and fund executive team incentives every time we meet ambitious targets such as doubling attendance in women’s matches. What were the attendance numbers again?”
2. “The government should discourage girls playing boy sports and the other way around!” suggests an acne-ravaged teenager, who has enough oil on his face to justify an invasion from the United Federation. “For example, football and @@ANIMAL@@ball are for men while beach volleyball and foxy boxing are for women. After all, nobody’s going to pay to watch tomboys playing a man’s game or some effeminate blokes throwing around a netball like an idiot.”
3. “Why don’t we force professional sporting leagues to schedule men’s and women’s doubleheaders for every match?” proposes your Minister of Alternative Solutions, who is scrubbing the office toilet with a sponge attached to a drill after he used your toilet brush as a replacement for a missing door stop. “That way, we’ll fix the attendance problem, men and women can split the revenue equally, and sports fans get double the action! What could go wrong?”
by Paffnia » Thu Dec 17, 2020 2:52 pm
“Good morning! Are you ready to make history? Let me just get my ceremonial signing pen.” Rushev reaches into his coat pocket and removes not a pen, but a Maxarov pistol, which he points directly at your chest. “Have you noticed that world leaders like ourselves never get frisked for weapons? I can’t remember the last time I had to go through a metal detector. Seems like a security flaw, don’t you think? Well, I digress. I hope you didn’t actually expect me to remove my own missiles. You see, I didn’t get to be Chairman of East Lebatuck by giving up power every time I had a disagreement with someone. Real leaders do whatever it takes to seize power and claw our way to the top. Of course, I hope you understand that this isn’t personal — it’s just politics. As soon as you’re dead...” Suddenly, the window shatters as James Bont crashes into the room in a hail of glass fragments, closely followed by his @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ flag parachute. Bont quickly fires a miniature grappling hook from his wristwatch, which latches onto Rushev’s pistol and pulls it out of his hand. “I hope you don’t mind me dropping in, boss. Your aide pressed the panic button — and I see that mister Commie in Chief is up to his old tricks. Well, here’s how it’s going to go, Rushev. I secretly removed a warhead from one of your nuclear missiles and handed it off to one of my colleagues in East Lebatuck. He has hidden it in your capital city, ready for detonation at a moment’s notice. Either you sign that agreement and follow through with each of its terms, or your ‘glorious worker’s paradise’ is going to be a victim of your own hubris. Are we clear?” Rushev nods and quickly scribbles his name on the agreement. “Good. Now get out of here and don’t threaten @@NAME@@ ever again, or your capital will become a radioactive crater faster than you can say ‘Marxist class struggle’.” Bont turns toward you as Rushev and his aide scurry out of the room. “Let’s go home, shall we?”
by Valentine Z » Fri Dec 18, 2020 3:33 am
Paffnia wrote:Also, in the option you have listed already, my suspicion is that it is "@@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ flag parachute" (same as this new option), not "@@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ parachute" (which is what is recorded now).
by Cretox State » Sat Dec 19, 2020 11:10 am
#1427: May the Fourth Estate Be With You [Cretox State; ed: Electrum]
The Issue
All hail @@LEADER@@! As the nation enters yet another period of unbounded success, your infinitely dedicated and even more competently selected advisors are working hard to further consolidate your power, with counsel on how your flawless government should wield the undeniably correct state-run media.
The Debate
- “We must ensure that you are forever in people’s hearts and minds,” says your Minister of Truth, patriotically cutting traitorous ministers out of official photographs with a pair of safety scissors. “You must be referenced in every article of every publication. Also, the front pages of all the newspapers will now be dedicated exclusively to your life’s story, like the time you wrote a true crime novel at the age of four. Long live the @@TYPE@@!”
- “A glorious regime is nothing without its unrivaled military might!” declares Supreme Generalissimo Who Crushes Enemies Winston Perez, who’s had your back since the beginning. “Undying trust in our armed forces begets undying trust in you. We must use our media apparatus to tell wonderful yet plausible and completely correct tales of our military triumphs in faraway lands. Long live the @@TYPE@@!”
Effect: the nation won three wars against Brancaland this weekend- “We should make our populace learn to love you, not fear you, even though no sane person would ever fear you,” meekly suggests junior minister Calvin Watterson, cowering behind the Generalissimo. “If people are constantly reminded of the high standard of living the government provides for them, no one would dare question your authority.” He stares at the floor, waiting for the next speaker. “Oh! I almost forgot, sorry. Long live the @@TYPE@@.”
- “I say, your guidance has proven so potent that you no longer require the unnecessary burden of operating a state-run media,” says former media tycoon Imogen Dawson, choosing her words tactfully. “With your divine blessing, reintroducing privately operated media will demonstrate to our eternally grateful people that you hear the voices of others, however flawed those voices may be compared to yours. Long live and all that jazz.”
by Paffnia » Sat Dec 19, 2020 1:20 pm
“Reparations! We’re not paying any stinkin’ reparations!” blusters Defense Minister Rolan Malinovich, who has turned a rather alarming shade of red. “Have you forgotten how they almost annihilated us? Yes, we definitely killed a bunch of their soldiers. What did they think would happen when they invaded our ally? This treaty is just a slap in the face — and we’re definitely not disarming or letting in waves of immigrants. You need to walk away from the negotiating table, and hit them with sanctions for good measure. They’re our enemy forevermore.”
by Trotterdam » Sat Dec 19, 2020 3:11 pm
by Rocain Founder » Sun Dec 20, 2020 2:41 pm
by Valentine Z » Sun Dec 20, 2020 3:37 pm
by The Free Joy State » Tue Dec 22, 2020 2:18 am
Rocain Founder wrote:The spoiler for issue #1365 shows option 2 as TBD. One of my puppets has received option 2, but not option 1. The text is identical to the text for option 1. The spoiler indicates that option 1 is conditional on having prisons, which would imply that option 2 is for nations without prisons. Unfortunately for that theory, my puppet which got the issue does have prisons, and further the phrase "send them straight to jail" is present in the text, without anything like a suggestion that such jails need to be constructed or reopened. Either option 1 is for nations which do not have prisons, or there is some other factor which determines which of the two options is presented. My puppet's script chose a different option, number 4 to be precise, so I have no information on whether the response for option 2 differs from that given on Trotterdam's website for option 1.
by Rocain Founder » Tue Dec 22, 2020 6:10 am
The Free Joy State wrote:If you think the validity of an option is coded incorrectly, please raise it on this thread in future.
Neither of the options listed are dependent on not having prisons.
by Valentine Z » Tue Dec 22, 2020 6:47 pm
by Rocain Founder » Wed Dec 23, 2020 8:02 am
by Racoda » Wed Dec 23, 2020 10:03 am
3. Two brightly dressed tailors stumble into your office. “We’ve got just the thing for you, your mightiness! The greatest clothes in history, made just for your glorious self.” The first tailor flicks open a suitcase, revealing... nothing. “As you see, this fine cloth is lighter than air. Feel the fabric. Many have begged for it. Surely, oh intelligent one, you can feel the delicate weave? These clothes are the future! People will praise your forward-thinking. Don’t worry about the price; we’ll just forward our small fee to your accountant.”
4. Two brightly dressed men stumble into your office, with tailoring tape around their necks. “We’ve got just the thing for you, your mightiness! The greatest clothes in history, made just for your glorious self.” The first man flicks open a suitcase, revealing... nothing. “As you see, this fine cloth is lighter than air. Feel the fabric. It is too exquisite to waste on those buffoons at the RSCA72ian Clothing Council. Surely, oh intelligent one, you can feel the delicate weave? These clothes are the future! People will praise your forward-thinking. Don’t worry about the price; we’ll just forward our small fee to your accountant.”
5. “Malarkey! Why don’t you just dress like everyone else?” chimes your gardener through the window, watering the flowers on your desk along with everything and everyone in the room. “It’ll cost the taxpayer less, you’ll be more relatable, and you won’t need to fuss about all that fancy-schmancy stuff! Heck, why not encourage all government officials to wear clothes that are affordable to the average RSCA72ian!”
#1143
3. “Burglar Bill is awesome!” announces your brother, as he adds the latest addition to his Burglar Bill scrapbook, which he has had since he was a kid. “The daring break-in into parliament, avoiding the cops for four decades - this man knows his stuff! You should make Burglar Bill your Chief of Police; his inside knowledge of the criminal underworld makes him the perfect fit for the job.”
#1365
2. “An impartial and well-funded public broadcaster is essential to a democratic society,” says highly paid @@DEMONYMADJECTIVEINITIALS@@BC presenter @@RANDOMNAME@@, while she sips a fifty percent coconut milk decaf venti latte, no sugar and extra cream. “Most hardworking, decent people value and recognise the work we do. They get so many different services for their fees such as television channels, radio programmes, my expense acco - I mean, educational documentaries. I say toughen enforcement of the license fee with a fleet of television detector bicycles to catch fee evaders and send them straight to jail.”
#1378
2. “We can’t let the commies intimidate us!” declares Defense Minister Mack Rimera, who is pouring something from a flask into his morning coffee. “If they think we’re weak, they’ll just continue trying to take advantage of us at every opportunity. Have our flagship fire a warning shot across their bows and order East Lebatuck’s ships to turn around. If the enemy doesn’t comply, open fire and unleash hell.”
by Rocain Founder » Wed Dec 23, 2020 3:23 pm
by Cretox State » Wed Dec 23, 2020 11:25 pm
Racoda wrote:I can confirm this (including Salvatore Matei being a random (male?) name).
by Tinhampton » Thu Dec 24, 2020 9:27 am
by Valentine Z » Sun Dec 27, 2020 2:16 am
by Racoda » Mon Dec 28, 2020 4:15 am
by Trotterdam » Mon Dec 28, 2020 4:37 am
by Rocain Founder » Mon Dec 28, 2020 7:51 pm
by Rocain Founder » Fri Jan 01, 2021 7:43 am
by Oysen Empire » Sat Jan 02, 2021 1:24 pm
#1428: In the Bag
The Issue
A Bigtopian diplomatic bag was accidentally searched by customs officers, contrary to diplomatic conventions. Before the search was stopped, the bag was found to contain cocaine brownies, snortable marijuana, gold leaf toilet paper rolls, and jars of whale oil. Even though the bags were promptly handed over to the Bigtopian embassy, questions have been raised about this discovery.
The Debate
1. “This is the most obvious case of smuggling I’ve ever seen!” says customs officer Chun-Li Burns, oblivious to a man wearing a trenchcoat full of fake watches sneaking through the checkpoint behind him. “Those Bigtopians are abusing our trust by bringing in all manner of illegal items, and not paying duties on the legal ones. You need to punish the Bigtopians by expelling them immediately, even if it exposes us as breaking diplomatic conventions.”
2. “Why do we allow diplomatic bags anyway?” asks one of your aides. “Just treat embassy luggage the same as any other luggage, subject to the exact same rules and examination as everybody else’s bags.”
3. “While diplomatic bags aren’t meant to contain contraband, the greater fault is ours,” observes your Minister of Protocol. “To open a diplomatic bag — even accidentally — is a major breach of trust. Embassies being allowed to confidentially send documents and communications to their own governments is the basis of international diplomacy. Also, dare I say it, our own diplomatic bags carry sensitive information back to us from other nations which are critical to our intelligence community. Apologise to the Bigtopians, claim you didn’t look closely at the contents, and offer them a hefty payment in contrition for our impoliteness."
4. “The illegal products aren’t as important as the concealed intel,” agrees spymaster ‘N’, while searching your briefcase without permission. “Imagine the valuable intelligence we could find by covertly opening every country’s diplomatic bags. We could learn military secrets, along with the names of foreign spies within our country, then replicate their passports for espionage. We can blackmail couriers, walk them through hidden scanners, and employ tradecraft in other subtler ways to compromise the bags. It’s the right thing to do for our glorious @@TYPE@@.”
Issue by The All Time Favourite Republic of Indusse and The Gold and Silver Alloy of Electrum
Edited by Candlewhisper Archive
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