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by Sapnu puas » Wed Feb 13, 2019 6:02 am
by Candlewhisper Archive » Wed Feb 13, 2019 6:09 am
Furry Things wrote:Match Made in Heaven?
The Issue
Beautiful, blonde, and bisexual, the 25-year-old tennis player Ryan Pournikova is perhaps better known for his modelling work and stunning smile than for the speed of his serves. In a recent TV interview, he was asked who his ideal lover would be. To your surprise, he named you, Zzyzx Wolfe.
The Debate
- “Publicity seeking pervert!” yells TV evangelist Dickens Manhole. “Uh... Ryan, that is, not you, dear leader! Righteousness compels you to denounce him, to denounce his sinful promiscuity, his bisexual deviance, and his depraved sexual past!”
- “If you’re game for a match, you could be set for a serious popularity boost,” suggests Al Foster, the grinning chat show host who conducted the now notorious interview. “Doesn’t matter if he’s your preferred type, or what your availability is, or even what your gender preference is - the name of the game here is playing to the crowd. Let’s do a televised one-on-one with some spin and we’ll make you both look smashing!”
- “Oh he is my favourite! I’d love to show him MY Gran Willy,” says Bill, your lewd elderly uncle, wiping the steam from his spectacle lenses. “Sure, he’s just courting publicity, but that doesn’t mean you can’t take the break. Give him a front page picture with you at a movie premiere, and in return he can make a racket with you down the line. Hey, it’s the world’s oldest profession!”
- “This exhibition is distracting from serious politics,” complains Jake Sosa, your grey-suited Minister of Revenues. “Just laugh off the whole thing as a joke, and use the camera time to talk about important issues, like your proposition to reallocate roles from the Working Tax Auditors to the Association of Tax Pre-assessment. After all, things like insurance breaks, junior exempts and pre-qualifiers are what interests the population, not yawn-worthy old tennis.”
- “Okay, so the media, the public and everyone else is labelling him a publicity-hound and saying this is all about exposure,” observes gossip columnist Natalia Bowie from Not Bad Magazine, “but don’t you want to consider the possibility that he’s for real? Why not take him seriously, and woo him sincerely? You never know, this might be the start of something really beautiful!”
by Candensia » Wed Feb 13, 2019 6:37 am
Sapnu puas wrote:The Issue
Last week, rowdy schoolchildren toppled and broke a priceless ancient Maxtopian statue in the National Museum, then took selfies with the statue’s cracked head. Now, many curators across Sapnu puas are demanding that anyone under the age of 13 be banned from museums.
The Debate
“Why do parents want to bring their kids to our museums?” weeps curator Kirby Singh, mournfully cradling the head of the decapitated statue. “Inevitably, the little hooligans run around yelling and touching everything. What’s more, having children about inevitably results in museums being dumbed-down, with shiny interactive displays and silly flashing lights. One museum I went to had a ball pit in the basement! A ball pit! Young children should be excluded, and we should be refocusing museums on preserving and celebrating our culture and history.”
“Oh, get off your high horse,” retorts Heidi Benteen, mother of three self-proclaimed ‘dinosaur hunters’ who are currently jumping up and down on your desk. “It’s unconscionable that we are even debating shutting the museum door on kids. Denying children entry will only hurt Sapnu puas in the long run. In fact, all children should have free entry guaranteed, and museums must be made to be more kid-friendly!”
“I, like, can’t see why museums are even still a thing,” complains teenager Zeus Guilliman, in a bland monotone. “Just last week my school, like, made my class go on a field trip to a museum or something. It was like the most boring thing ever. We were there for so long that I was beginning to fossilize, and only thing I liked was walking out the front door. You should just, like, tear down all museums. Soooooo boring.”
The Free Joy State wrote:Time spent working on writing skills -- even if the draft doesn't work -- is never wasted.
by Jutsa » Wed Feb 13, 2019 8:28 am
by Trotterdam » Wed Feb 13, 2019 8:33 am
Incidentally, I just got this one, and only got a single @@ANIMAL@@. Not sure what's up - it was plural when first reported.#457: Colossus With Feet Of Clay [Halothorne; ed:Nation of Quebec]
3. "@@LEADER@@, have you no respect for our sacred lands?" asks Runs With @@ANIMALPLURAL@@, Chief of the Violetstone tribe.
by Jutsa » Wed Feb 13, 2019 8:53 am
by Bears Armed » Wed Feb 13, 2019 9:04 am
The first name is random (the copy of this issue that I received featured Chloe instead), the last name isn't.Jutsa wrote:Oh yeah, also, how much of Ryan Pournikova is random?
by Candlewhisper Archive » Wed Feb 13, 2019 9:08 am
Trotterdam wrote:Incidentally, I just got this one, and only got a single @@ANIMAL@@. Not sure what's up - it was plural when first reported.#457: Colossus With Feet Of Clay [Halothorne; ed:Nation of Quebec]
3. "@@LEADER@@, have you no respect for our sacred lands?" asks Runs With @@ANIMALPLURAL@@, Chief of the Violetstone tribe.
by Furry Things » Wed Feb 13, 2019 12:10 pm
Candlewhisper Archive wrote:That was fast! I only added it to the game a few minutes before this report.
Jutsa wrote:Oh yeah, also, how much of Ryan Pournikova is random?
ed: And Dickens Manhole...
actually just all the names in 1171 yeah
oh my god it just gets better and better as I read xD
editlike4orsomething: also is this adult?
by Divine Cervine » Thu Feb 14, 2019 4:23 am
O Solitude!
O Solitude! If I must with thee dwell, let it not be among the jumbled heap of murky buildings; climb with me the steep,— nature’s observatory—whence the dell, its flowery slopes, its river’s crystal swell, may seem a span; let me thy vigils keep ’mongst boughs pavillion’d, where the deer’s swift leap startles the wild bee from the fox-glove bell. But though I’ll gladly trace these scenes with thee, yet the sweet converse of an innocent mind, whose words are images of thoughts refin’d, is my soul’s pleasure; and it sure must be almost the highest bliss of human-kind, when to thy haunts two kindred spirits flee. — John Keats❤❤❤
Ⓥ vegan
by Bears Armed » Thu Feb 14, 2019 8:36 am
Piled Higher and Deeper
The Issue
As of late, you’ve noticed a higher concentration of scruffy-looking protesters than usual picketing outside your office. After asking around for the reason, your Education Minister finally informs you that the nation’s PhD students have been on strike for the past six months.
The Debate
1. “Finally feeling the pain of ‘The Great Graduate Student Strike’?” gloats PhD candidate Jadzia Starkey, helping herself to a drink from your liquor cabinet. “We’re dedicating our lives to improving science and the arts, all for the greater good of @@NAME@@. And what do we get in return? Long hours and stress counseling while we’re all probably heavily in debt! Universities can’t go on without graduate students, so throw us a line for once! Divert education funding towards the salaries of all graduate TAs and researchers while eliminating our financial burdens! Without this deal, rest assured it’s back to the picket line for us!”
2. “I don’t see what the problem is,” notes @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ CEO Ming Broadside, perusing your liquor cabinet for the most expensive selection. “Don’t listen to that pretty homely dork. The free market always sorts these things out: wherever there’s a true industrial need, researchers’ salaries will become competitive. And quite personally, I don’t see any need around here. I suggest you take a page from the entrepreneurs of yore and fire every graduate picketer currently employed at state-funded schools. They can go back to being professional hamburger dispensers while our long-suffering universities finally have the opportunity to hire new students actually grateful for the chance at a job.”
3. “What if universities could have their future scientists and professors without having to pay anything?” suggests your former math teacher, handing you a few bottles of saké to replenish your liquor cabinet. “Back home in Dàguó, we have a lot of prospective students who would love better-paying jobs. Put a halt to all government funding of graduate education while simultaneously making it easier for foreign students to immigrate. We could even pay them a stipend of a few thousand golden @@CURRENCYPLURAL@@ just for coming here. If anything, I think potential immigrants will consider this a perfectly heuristic decision for themselves.”
by The Free Joy State » Thu Feb 14, 2019 8:47 am
Bears Armed wrote:(Dismissed.)
Candlewhisper Archive wrote:
Anyway, this thread has long been established as not providing effect line spoilers.
Whether you want to keep it that way is up to the player maintaining the thread (so, Jutsa), but I personally think it's best to keep effect lines out of the spoilers, as that way we still have a good resource here for writers to check against for overlap, but there's no ruining of punchlines.
Jutsa wrote:Oh yeah, also, how much of Ryan Pournikova is random?
ed: And Dickens Manhole...
actually just all the names in 1171 yeah
by Bears Armed » Thu Feb 14, 2019 8:54 am
So that nobody, presuming that I hadn't dismissed it, would waste their time asking me for the 'effect' line for whatever option I'd chosen.
by The Free Joy State » Thu Feb 14, 2019 9:05 am
by Jutsa » Thu Feb 14, 2019 10:47 am
by Trotterdam » Thu Feb 14, 2019 11:05 am
Immigration isn't a problem, at least - choosing the last option removes the No Immigration policy if you had it.Jutsa wrote:1172's a pretty nice issue; just curious as to whether it's the whole issue restricted to no prohibition, capitalism, and legal immigration,
by Trotterdam » Thu Feb 14, 2019 11:40 pm
#1172 Piled Higher and DeeperNote the italics in the last option, and Bears Armed made a macro mistake.
The Issue
As of late, you've noticed a higher concentration of scruffy-looking protesters than usual picketing outside your office. After asking around for the reason, your Education Minister finally informs you that the nation's PhD students have been on strike for the past six months.
The Debate
1. "Finally feeling the pain of 'The Great Graduate Student Strike'?" gloats PhD candidate @@RANDOMNAME@@, helping @@HIM/HER@@self to a drink from your liquor cabinet. "We're dedicating our lives to improving science and the arts, all for the greater good of @@NAME@@. And what do we get in return? Long hours and stress counseling while we're all probably heavily in debt! Universities can't go on without graduate students, so throw us a line for once! Divert education funding towards the salaries of all graduate TAs and researchers while eliminating our financial burdens! Without this deal, rest assured it's back to the picket line for us!"
2. "I don't see what the problem is," notes @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ CEO @@RANDOMNAME@@, perusing your liquor cabinet for the most expensive selection. "Don't listen to that pretty homely dork. The free market always sorts these things out: wherever there's a true industrial need, researchers' salaries will become competitive. And quite personally, I don't see any need around here. I suggest you take a page from the entrepreneurs of yore and fire every graduate picketer currently employed at state-funded schools. They can go back to being professional hamburger dispensers while our long-suffering universities finally have the opportunity to hire new students actually grateful for the chance at a job."
3. ???
4. "What if universities could have their future scientists and professors without having to pay anything?" suggests your former math teacher, handing you a few bottles of saké to replenish your liquor cabinet. "Back home in Dàguó, we have a lot of prospective students who would love better-paying jobs. Put a halt to all government funding of graduate education while simultaneously making it easier for foreign students to immigrate. We could even pay them a stipend of a few thousand @@CURRENCYPLURAL@@ just for coming here. If anything, I think potential immigrants will consider this a perfectly heuristic decision for themselves."
Issue by Ransium
Edited by Altmer Dominion
by Aramanchovia » Sat Feb 16, 2019 4:20 am
by Anexora » Sun Feb 17, 2019 12:31 pm
Aramanchovia wrote:3: “We don’t even know if it was the Nobovindians,” cautions City Commissioner Jacob Baker, while casually sipping on his coffee, “and it would be completely improper for us to go off half-cocked on hearsay and emotional testimony. There’s a proper investigation to have, and leveled and reasoned response to hold. Let’s not go rattling the saber over roast beef.”
Stolen Reuben sandwiches are met with detailed and thorough police investigations.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=\♦/=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Administrator Orra Relixia
ORWELL ADMINISTRATION FOUNDER
..ANEXORAN ANTHEM________||________ANEXORAN POLICIES
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=/♦\=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
DISTRICT 0 HEADLINER: MINISEC : Administrator Orra Relixia wovs to "Walk up into Maxtopia and slap their president's **** up" should they extend the cross-national quiz above 400 questions. -April 2nd / 2019
by Shadowrik » Mon Feb 18, 2019 6:27 am
by Jutsa » Mon Feb 18, 2019 6:36 am
by Volaworand » Mon Feb 18, 2019 9:09 am
by Furry Things » Tue Feb 19, 2019 8:04 am
Jutsa wrote:Beautiful, blonde, and bisexual, the 25-year-old tennis player @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME_1@@ Pournikova is perhaps better known for @@HIS@@ modelling work and stunning smile than for the speed of @@HIS@@ serves. In a recent TV interview, @@HE@@ was asked who @@HIS@@ ideal lover would be. To your surprise, @@HE@@ named you, @@RANDOMNAME@@.
by Jutsa » Tue Feb 19, 2019 8:29 am
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