NationStates Issues **SPOILER ALERT**

[Candensia]

Reporting #987

Its by that Candlewhisper Archive dude.

I’m on mobile, so it’s kinda hard to copy & paste everything right now. But I can shoot it to you all in a few hours.

[Trotterdam]

#984 A Midsummer Night's Snooze-Fest

The Issue

As legions of interns scramble to set up a stage in your office, your Minister of Theatrics dramatically announces that his Ministry has organized a play for you. The play purportedly tells a tragic story: the public apathy toward the long-dead but highly-influential @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ playwright Bill Wakesword.

The Debate

1. "I doth be the poet himself!" Minister Porklet announces, wearing purple robes and a long wig. "Once upon a merry time, my plays amazed those large and small. Now, there's only one way to ensure @@NAME@@ remains in my thrall. Force my works upon the children, make them read it all! It may be true that the language doth be a few centuries old, but what is in a word? That which we call a Woodeating Spikeball by any other name would be just as Woodeating."

2. An intern apparently playing the part of 'unenthusiastic teenager' pokes the Minster with a smartphone, causing him to crumble to the floor in mock agony. The intern robotically states, "Alas. Poor Wakesword. I knew him well. I would have surely been willing to get interested in Wakesword if his word choice was easier. If only we could rework Wakesword so that it appealed to me, a disaffected teenager, and my social media habits."

4. "All the world's a stage, @@LEADER@@, and it doth be time we saw some plays!" announces overconfident actor Rick Rear, dressed in a donkey costume and accidentally stepping on the 'dead' Minister. "As I, one of the greatest actors of all time, should know-eth, the best way to spread the brilliance of Wakesword is to fund school drama clubs and ye olde outdoor theatre! If we can coerce these apathetic adolescents, these indifferent infants, these bored brats to act, they will surely see the value of true literature."

5. Ka-boom! The wall of your office suddenly explodes, spewing fire and smoke everywhere. As the smoke clears, explosives enthusiast and the director of TransMorphers and Adolescent Monster Samurai Frogs, Michel Cove, strolls in, a second explosion obliterating the Minister's stage. "This 'Wakesword' guy? Heh. His plays are older than my exes. What you need, my friend, are explosion-packed science fiction movies in the curriculum that will leave kids drooling over science and computers! The future is where the money is. The past? Who cares?" Another one of your walls explodes and he grins manically as your office burns around him.

Issue by Drayxaso
Edited by Nation of Quebec

It looks like none of the names are random.

The difference between options 2 and 3 is whether the wording uses "social media" or "texting", but the smartphone appears either way, even though smartphones are clearly a type of computer. Querying my database suggests that the validity distinction is actually No Internet rather than No Computers, with the latter policy simply being ignored.

[Jutsa]

Ah, crud. Yeah, 602 was a booboo on me. The only other booboo I recall possibly doing is the one with social police,
which I'd honestly be surprised if the option specifically was not restricted to, but... eh, I should probably get rid of that anyway.

I'll update everything else a little later; booboos come first, though.

[Jutsa]

Woah, wait, there's no way (I think) that option 1 is available for nations without sports unless that's an oversight like that computer thing that's going on.
We've been over this in my organized sports draft; one of the options banning "organized sports" still views chess in the olympics as fine,
and they seem to be more specifically referring to physical sports, whereas professional sports are something else entirely. ed: as established by 954.

Not to mention "famed athlete", although they could be a foreigner...
still, you can't get much more "organized sports"y than basketball.

[Candensia]

#987 Quia Scriptum Est


The Issue

Prominent lawyer Adele Mitchell recently quit her high-profile job at a prestigious criminal defence law firm, citing that she can make more money by concentrating on her other job: writing essays and dissertations for law students. Your cousin, who happens to be the managing partner at the firm in question - the internationally renowned Bickers, Slaughter & Hyde - is making a fuss over this.

The Debate

1. “Now see here, dear cousin, this is entirely intolerable, insupportable and insufferable,” mutters Cornelius Bickers, as sesquipedalian as ever. “Prima facie, essay writing services are contra bonos mores. This is facilitating educational fraud in a multitude of professions and academic fields, thus allowing de facto untested individuals to carry out actions mala fide. Clearly, by principle of animus nocendi, anyone offering services and products that lead to criminality should be prosecuted as responsible for these outcomes. I trust that you will acquiesce?”


2. “Normally I charge for this sort of thing, but I’ll make this argument pro bono,” begins Mitchell, opening a prepared dossier of legal arguments. “Firstly, nulla poena sine lege. Secondly, it’s clearly stated on my website that the essays and dissertations provided are unique crafted example texts, with the caveat that they must not be passed as the purchaser’s work. If clients of mine enter into these agreements with a suppressio veri, then I can hardly be a party to the blame; if anything, I would have locus standi as an injured party. These malcontent students are sui juris. Cornelius should take his in terrorem claptrap to them.”


3. “In terro-what now?” asks your aide suspiciously. “I hate lawyers and all their fancy foreign words. What’s wrong with speaking our plain old lingua franca? I reckon we can deal with this whole mess by getting rid of courts and lawyers. It’s only what they deserve. Quid pro quo, right?”

Issue by The Eye of Candlewhisper Archive

Edited by Sanctaria

So erm, here's what I promised, I'm leaving the names/macros to the professionals. I can't tell you how long it took to italicize all these words.

However I may have noticed a typo

if anything, I would have locus standi as an injured party.

Was it intended for "I" to be italicized here? Because it sure does look italicized, and I cant exactly figure out why.

[Sanctaria]

Was it intended for "I" to be italicized here? Because it sure does look italicized, and I cant exactly figure out why.

Yes - the speaker is stressing the word.

[Candensia]

Was it intended for "I" to be italicized here? Because it sure does look italicized, and I cant exactly figure out why.

Yes - the speaker is stressing the word.

Oh. Well, the abundance of italicized words in this issue made it seem....out of place. Thanks!

[Tinhampton]

I'm leaving the names/macros to the professionals.

Semi-unretired dabbler here. All names are random, except for the name of the law firm (Bickers, Slaughter & Hyde) and the surname of the speaker in option 1, "Bickers." The protagonist in my case is called Erica McClaine, so I'll leave it to Somebody Else^TM to confirm whether or not they are always female.

[Jutsa]

Hey, uh, look out for a no-jail variant option to #302.4.

Also OMG OMG OMG A SANCT EDIT!

I very much liked that issue.

Thank you once again, Trot and Candy, and thank you, Candensia...
if I may also all you Candy...

Updated and added! Keep an eye out for 952, 972, and 982...
something about 9X2 is really being a problem subcategory.

P.S. that issue was a pain to copy/paste over. Confound you, italics!

[Trotterdam]

P.S. that issue was a pain to copy/paste over. Confound you, italics!

Quote the post before copying.

[Jutsa]

...
I forgot about that
...

CONFOUND IT!

[Trotterdam]

The communist version on #984 (6) is still fixed to "Michel Cove". This confirms that all names on that issue are nonrandom.

[Candensia]

Special delivery for Jutsa!

I've highlighted macros in this color to indicate that I am unsure about them, but I ask that the professionals go over all the macros and names because names are tedious to figure out.

still missing 982.2, at the very least. Have fun.

#982 Your Move, @@LEADER@@?


The Issue

With his typically bullish approach to diplomacy, the Premier of East Lebatuck announced today that he has a titanic intellect beyond compare, and that @@LEADER@@ has “a walnut-sized brain, much like a stegosaurus.” He has issued a formal challenge to a public game of chess between heads of state, so he can “demonstrate inherent Lebatuckese superiority.”

The Debate

1. Your personal trainer, @@RANDOMNAME@@, adjusts @@HIS@@ pink lycra skinsuit and strokes @@HIS@@ lips as @@HE@@ studies a propaganda picture of the Premier posed topless while wrestling a bear. “Look, I don’t know much about chess; I haven’t picked up a queen since college. But I do know about competition, and I do know that you can’t let this lovely muscly despot get on top of you. You should accept the challenge, train hard with the intellectual elite of @@NAME@@, and then wipe that smug grin off his face when you top him and make him eat his words.”


3. “What has skill at an ancient board game got to do with intelligence?” argues @@RANDOMNAME@@, CEO of tech-company Digital Thought. “Indeed, what has the limited mental prowess of our nation’s leadership got to do with how smart we are as a nation? Look, @@NAME@@, maybe you’re a bit of a dunce, but you can make a point by funding AI development, and perfecting a chess program that can beat any human. I mean, let’s face it, it’s not like a thick-headed village idiot like you could win a game of chess without artificial assistance.”


4. “This isn’t about chess, this is about WMDs,” explains @@RANDOMNAME@@, a teenage hacker and national tic-tac-toe champion. “When you ordered @@NAME@@ to make mega-death armaments, you put yourself into a contest of egos with nations like East Lebatuck. This is just a game of dominance, a competition to see which alpha monkey backs down. These games of one-upmanship are steps on a path to self-destruction. Instead, you must show the courage to disengage. Disarm our WMDs, politely decline the chess challenge, and choose sanity over pride.”


5. Your Minister of National Honour bows to you. “The child is right, this isn’t about chess. This is about our strength and national pride! We cannot allow these insults to go unanswered. You must increase our WMD stockpile, and put our nuclear submarines off the coast of East Lebatuck. He will withdraw his insults, or we will annihilate him.”


Issue by The Eye of Candlewhisper Archive

Edited by Zwangzug

[Trotterdam]

Interesting. I don't know what option 2 is. It doesn't seem to be the one from the draft.

A bit disappointed the nation was changed to East Lebatuck instead of Blackacre as in the draft, since I don't like seeing them as an "antagonist" nation (some player nations are communist, and might well get along with them). Though it's possible the whole issue is just limited to only capitalist nations, unless there's a communist variant of the CEO option in the opposite order from usual.

I wonder if banning homosexuality might be relevant...

[Jutsa]

This also reminds me of something Skandilund might do, tbh, but I personally think East Lebatuck's a good choice:
We haven't seen them often, and you can be "rivals" with nations that are socioecenomically similar to yours.

Plus they seem like the only nation really on the verge of being an antagonist, though Dàguó might be an exception.

I'm somehow not surprised that the person named after a chess tactic edited this one.

Added. Good issue, 982 is. Loved the reference to Putin in option 1.
(Pretty sure it's a guy; can't be anyone other than Putin, riding topless; she-leaders riding topless would probably be too much for NS anyway )

Edit: Also pretty sure you can't get this issue without WMDs, though option 3 might be limited to nations with AI.

[Candensia]

This also reminds me of something Skandilund might do, tbh, but I personally think East Lebatuck's a good choice:
We haven't seen them often, and you can be "rivals" with nations that are socioecenomically similar to yours.

Plus they seem like the only nation really on the verge of being an antagonist, though Dàguó might be an exception.

I'm somehow not surprised that the person named after a chess tactic edited this one.

Added. Good issue, 982 is. Loved the reference to Putin in option 1.
(Pretty sure it's a guy; can't be anyone other than Putin, riding topless; she-leaders riding topless would probably be too much for NS anyway )

Edit: Also pretty sure you can't get this issue without WMDs, though option 3 might be limited to nations with AI.

you know, if I had actually read that part about the leader being topless, I would have come to the same conclusion as you.

[Trotterdam]

I think Blackacre probably wasn't used because slightly less than a year after this was drafted and submitted, #813 has established Blackacre's leader as a Donald Trump parody, and that doesn't seem like the kind of person who would challenge you to a chess match.

(Pretty sure it's a guy; can't be anyone other than Putin, riding topless; she-leaders riding topless would probably be too much for NS anyway )

We have compulsory nudity. We can even make nudity compulsory only for women.

I don't think a female leader voluntarily taking off some clothes is that shocking by comparison.

(I'm always amused when I get the effect line "the "Underwear of Women in Power" issue of The @@CAPITAL@@ Times is sold out" from #275. Joke's on them: our women in power don't wear underwear. Or much else.)

But yes, I do think Candlewhisper's intent was for the leader to be male, mostly due to the homosexuality jokes.

[Feria-Alkaline]

Oy, Jutsa, just inspected 985. It seems there's an option between options 2 and 3, but I don't know what it is.

[Jutsa]

Iiiif I had a guess, option 3 is a state-run economy version of option 2.

an option 5 might also exist for nations without booze, but it's a little hard to be certain...

[Zwangzug]

I think Blackacre probably wasn't used because slightly less than a year after this was drafted and submitted, #813 has established Blackacre's leader as a Donald Trump parody, and that doesn't seem like the kind of person who would challenge you to a chess match.

#813's preexistence was indeed the reason behind the change; it also gave her a canonized name, which CWA didn't want to reuse here.

[Candensia]

I was very glad to see this one pop up.

I'm leaving names to the professionals, they look tedious.

#988 Highway Robbery by the Book!

The Issue

The latest academic semester in @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ universities has kicked off, leaving students once more buying textbooks for their classes. Now, an endless sea of beleaguered twentysomethings stretches beyond the horizon, waving torches and marching on your office in protest at rapidly inflating prices of already exorbitant textbooks.

The Debate

1. “Attention, @@LEADER@@!” shouts @@ANIMAL@@ physiology student Elizabeth Flanders, who has a telescoped spine from carrying textbooks. “We - the oppressed, overstressed, and consistently underdressed - are tired of foregoing meals and basic comforts in order to afford the required tools for our education! We, the future of @@NAME@@, have come to request that you force publishing companies to lower the price of our essential textbooks!”


2. “@@LEADER@@, don’t let those hooligans intimidate you!” says famed textbook author Goodman DiPyro. “Textbooks are an important aspect of the education experience and current market prices are reflective of this. How can a medical student identify the difference between a cyst and a lipoma without the most accurate and descriptive images possible? If anything, subsidising textbook authors and publishers will help boost the modern @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ learning experience while generously rewarding us for being so integral to the education system!”


3. “While our publishing friend here does bring up great points about the importance of education, these textbooks are absolutely terrible for the environment!” retorts wide-eyed tie-dyed student Jiang McBoatface, handing you a leaflet illustrated with a crying @@ANIMAL@@. “Educating the masses is great and all, but not at the expense of Mother Nature! I propose that we overhaul the education system and provide all students with interactive tablets with all of their learning material digital and readily accessible.”


4. “Daddy, who let the poors out onto the front lawn?” questions Richard Kensington-Wellington III, whose famed millionaire misanthropic father is currently turning on the garden sprinklers. “The working classes should have never been allowed to study in the first place. I mean, what good does it do them? It only fills them with ridiculous aspirations above their natural station. It’s quite obvious after all that only the elite of society should be educated. All of my friends and their daddies say so! The common folk would be happier doing something useful with their lives!”


Issue by The Mighty Chest Hair of Palos Heights

Edited by The Free Joy State

[Orientis Noverai]

I'm leaving the names/macros to the professionals.

Semi-unretired dabbler here. All names are random, except for the name of the law firm (Bickers, Slaughter & Hyde) and the surname of the speaker in option 1, "Bickers." The protagonist in my case is called Erica McClaine, so I'll leave it to Somebody Else^TM to confirm whether or not they are always female.

Gender's random, as Candlewhisper submitted.

[Trotterdam]

For once the editors seem to have added only one issue at a time

[Jutsa]

Indeed, happy to see this one make it, and without much edits needed! Added.

Thank you Cande see I can call you Candy yet the spelling's different from the other Candy I'm sorry

[Backje]

Puppet of The Candy Of Bottles here- just got #982 on this nation with only options 4 and 5 (3 and 4 internally).