Issue #970: For Want of a Nail
Issue by The Eye of Candlewhisper Archive
Edited by Candlewhisper Archive
A recent investigation into a near miss between two commercial airplanes revealed that it was due to an error on the part of an air traffic controller, who in turn was being distracted by his colleague chattering about how hungry he was, which in turn was caused by his colleague’s missing packed lunch, which in turn was caused by his colleague’s wife’s temporary incapacity, in turn caused by a finger infection, in turn caused by a broken nail. Thus, the media are dubbing this “The Broken Nail Incident.”
1. “Symptom: fragile keratin. Diagnosis: calcium deficiency,” confidently declares medically-untrained dairy industry marketing rep Wei Schmo. “You need to subsidise the dairies so we can increase supply of our products to the populace in order to treat this. Got milk? Yes, I have! You got money?”
3. “Wait? His WIFE made lunch for him?” complains avowed feminist Leroy Atwood as he grumbles through mouthfuls of broccoli and dried figs. “This is a sign of the sickness of patriarchy in our society! The men of this nation must be made to make their own damn lunches!”
4. “His wife should have ignored the pain, and made the sandwich,” admonishes Chip Gillard, as his own wife timidly picks mud from his boots with her fingernails. “A wife should have to attend to her duties unless a doctor - a male doctor, mind - certifies her medically unfit to work.”
5. “Call me Captain Obvious,” says airline pilot Captain Tom Obvious, “but doesn’t a near-miss air collision suggest we need to be spending more on air safety? We need more air traffic controllers working shorter shifts, and fewer night-time and bad weather flights. What? Someone has to be sensible here.” His co-pilot, Jane Sensible, nods in agreement.
6. “This is Emergence at work,” reverently whispers wild-eyed lepidopterometeorologist Professor Frank Benjamin. “For too long has national policy been set by simplistic cause and effect models, when the complexity of chaos and the beautiful madness of multiple interacting systems rule our lives! Fund my research into Chaos Socioeconomics, and together we’ll learn to properly randomise government policy!”
7. “The only thing emerging here is the Hand of the Divine,” counters dishevelled hermit monk Magnus Mitchell. “The world is indeed too complex for mere science to explain or predict. Dispense with air traffic control and fancy in-flight technology, and instead require all pilots and passengers to pray before takeoff and landing. Have faith in a higher power!”
