NationStates Issues **SPOILER ALERT**

[Candlewhisper Archive]

Sorry, I meant lots of other changes through the issue base, not through the chain.

[Pencil Sharpeners]

Issue 759: Marry, Marry, Quite Contrarily

The Issue

The congregation of a local church of a major religion has come under fire after their refusal to wed a homosexual couple, inciting protesters to glitter bomb the pastor and congregants.

The Debate

1. “We should be allowed to marry whenever and wherever we want,” insists gay rights activist Olivia Dixon. “If these people’s ‘God’ is such a bigot, then maybe they should find a new one. Churches should either agree to conduct gay marriages or not be allowed to conduct marriages at all. You can’t have one rule for straight folk and another rule for gay people.”

2. “This is absurd!” exclaims Pastor Hal E. Looya, still picking glitter out of his hair. “You know what that very same woman said before gay marriage was legal? ‘However much others may despise our positions on certain issues, we still have every right to live the life we want.’ Now she’s trying to force her beliefs on us! If the gays are that desperate to feel like they are ‘married’, they can find a church that shares their views or they can go to a public courthouse. Just leave us out of it.”

3. “This is the logical result of government sticking its nose where it has no business,” insists your libertarian cousin Willie Leach, giving you the same line he does anytime you ask for his opinion. “Pencil Sharpeners shouldn’t officially recognize or even provide tax breaks for any marriage, homosexual or heterosexual. Nor should it care if religions want to discriminate against various people for whatever reason. All marriages and religions should be treated equally, in the sense that they aren’t being treated by the government at all.”

Issue by The Confederacy of Neocaledonia

Edited by Ransium

[Rationalist Science]

Found Issue 737!

Bird-Brained Diplomacy

The Issue

Judging from the telegram on your desk this morning, the government of Tasmania is not pleased with your decision to authorize warplanes to patrol the migration of songbirds over its airspace.

The Debate

1. The telegram reads, “You expect us to believe this is about birds? We reject your ridiculous pretense for violating our airspace. We know you are merely scouting the location of Tasmania’s military bases in preparation for all-out war. Remove your forces from Tasmanian airspace today and pay us reparations for this insult, or the troops of Tasmania will be on your shores tomorrow. And you can bet our troops will have Rationalist Breegul in their sack lunch.”

2. “Those Tasmanians think they can boss us around?” crows your Minister of Defense, who is practically drooling over himself with pleasure. “As it so happens, while protecting those precious pigeons... or hummingbirds... oh whatever we said they were... we also incidentally mapped out the location of all the Tasmania military bases. As it also so happens, the patrol aircraft are fully armed with bunker-busting bombs. Just say the word, and we’ll begin a strategic air strike and neuter the Tasmanian threat in minutes.”

3. “If we must go to war, let’s go to war!” cackles The Bird Lady, wearing a giant hawk suit complete with pointed talons. “But not that way. I’ve trained my flock of birds of prey in the art of war. Say the word, and I’ll unleash my deadly and precise raptors on the soldiers of Tasmania. Death from above!”

Issue by The United Mangrove Archipelago of Ransium

Edited by Ransium

[Trotterdam]

#746 [The Enemy Within] There's A Place

The Story So Far

When the @@CAPITAL@@ Stock Exchange was destroyed by terrorist attack, it was a blow to the heart of @@NAME@@. The terrorists responsible were identified, as well as the mastermind behind the attack. Now, the crisis is over.

The Issue

Time moves on, and most @@DEMONYMNOUNPLURAL@@ have begun to drift back into their normal routines. However, for the families of the victims of the attack, the void caused by the absence of their loved ones will be felt for the rest of their lives. The site where the terrorists struck is now being cleared of rubble, and debate has begun over the future of the area.

The Debate

1. "We need a memorial to those who died, and perhaps a plaque to thank the rescue workers who did what they could in this darkest of hours," suggests the mayor of @@CAPITAL@@. "Also, a Tribute Centre and a Memorial Museum. Money from ticket sales could go to the families of the deceased. We must never forget these events."

3. "No. We can't let them think they hurt us!" asserts stockbroker @@RANDOMNAME@@, who lost several colleagues to the bombing, showing @@HIS/HER@@ depth of grief by flicking through a sheaf of share certificates as @@HE/SHE@@ talks to you. "The best way of reacting to terror is business as usual. Have a new Stock Exchange built, bigger and better than before, with a bigger trading floor and more telephone exchanges. Let's look to the future rather than the past."

5. "Never forget!" yells right wing paramilitary @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Never forget that it was the toxic false faith of Violetism that led to this tragedy! I propose we use the site to establish the HQ for my anti-Violetist organisation, the Brave Inquisitorial Guardians Of Truth. We'll use this as our centre of operations, to continue the hunt for hidden Violetists within the nation, and to wage war against them. Let's make @@NAME@@ hate again."

Issue by Candlewhisper Archive
Edited by Candlewhisper Archive and Ransium

I think that accounts for all the options.

[Australian rePublic]

Bye Bye To The Birdies?

The Issue

After Smalltopian journalists reporting on recent protein powder trade negotiations penned more articles on Australian government buildings covered in bird droppings than international commerce, questions have been raised as to whether Australian Republic’s “pigeon problem” has gotten out of control.

The Debate

“Get these damned flying rats off me!” yells Chun-Li Hitchcock, a member of the Canberra Beautification Council, desperately trying to wave away the pigeons pecking at her. “These vermin are everywhere, defecating on us, spreading disease and damaging bronze and marble with their caustic droppings. It’s all happening because a bunch of nutjobs are feeding them to feel good about themselves. Steven Jot, ban pigeon-feeding immediately, so we may be free of this feathered pestilence!”

Accept

“This is their city as much as it is ours,’’ sings your childhood nanny Miriam Poppout, while staring at a snow globe with unsettling intensity. “You can’t let these beautiful creatures die! We should embrace bird feeding. Canberra will become known as ‘The City of a Million Pigeons’ and tourists will flock from across the world to see the birds and feed them at only two Dollarydoos a bag.”

Accept

“I can’t see what the fuss is about,” chimes in B.F. Spinner, a spokesperson of the Canberra Ornithological Society. “Ask any illusionist or postman you know: pigeons are highly trainable animals. If the problem is that they are pooping around, they can simply be given potty training. Just put small toilet bowls at designated spots in the city, equipped with a food dispenser that gives food pellets when a pigeon poops there. The pooping behavior will thus be positively reinforced and voila! - the next time the pigeon will go to the toilet bowl when it needs to poop. Problem solved!”

Accept

Dismiss This Issue

Issue by The Democratic Island Federation of Frieden-und Freudenland

Edited by Ransium

[Tinhampton]

Issue #760: A Debatable Question

The Issue
It’s election season in Tinhampton, and several of the smaller political parties are voicing their concerns about being left out of the big televised debates, again.

The Debate

1. “It’s so unfair,” sulks Lord Kettlenoggin, leader of the Marxist Alliance For The Advancement Of Agrarian Libertarianism (MAFTAOAL), while speaking to a local gathering of six people. “We polled just below one percent last election cycle, and I demand to be heard! In fact, anybody that wants to join in should have the right to do so. The big parties are just scared to let us debate with them, but don’t let that get in the way of what really matters; vox populism, eh, populi.”
2. “It’s both fair and efficient,” lectures Marleen Chen, majority whip for the Liberal Conservatives, while putting out a cigar on a Shark Supremacy Party campaign pamphlet. “Only the biggest parties stand a real chance at power, and muddling what really matters with thirty different fringe causes – that have no ground in reality – would be unfair to the voters. Trying to mess with the way we’ve been doing political debates since the dawn of time will only serve to put mental stress on the masses, so let’s not.”
3. “I don’t think we have to go to either extreme here,” suggests Simon Cobweb, former TV-producer and the freshest face on your team of spin-doctors. “If we gave the power to decide eligibility to some non-partisan commission, they could set specific criteria to be included in the televised debates, and a panel of impartial judges could rate prospects based on that. Now, that’s fair. It might cost an extra Texas Hold’Em or two, but can you really put a price on democracy? Hmm, I guess I just did, kind of.”
4. “All this debating is giving me a headache,” complains Sipho James, your Minister of Daft Ideas. “Imagine all the time people would save if they didn’t spend the day listening to arguments about tweaking the tax code or giving benefits to old people.” He motions over to a window overlooking a lone activist spray-painting ‘MAFTAOAL FTW’ across Tinhampton’s main square. “I have an idea, what if we just stopped debating altogether? No meddling politicians, at all. Let the voters decide for themselves.”

Issue by The Awesome Land of Maxemia
Edited by Gnejs

I'll assume that the names in Options 1 and 3 are fixed, and those in Options 2 and 4 are random. Lord Kettlenoggin is too good to be random, and Simon Cobweb is an obvious jive at Simon Cowell.

[Tinhampton]

Issue #758: All names are fixed, except the first name of the speaker in option 1, i.e. @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME@@ Hitchcock (maybe @@RANDOMFEMALEFIRSTNAME@@, I don't know).

[Frieden-und Freudenland]

Issue #758: All names are fixed, except the first name of the speaker in option 1, i.e. @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME@@ Hitchcock (maybe @@RANDOMFEMALEFIRSTNAME@@, I don't know).

You're right, Hitchcock has a random first name (male or female), the others are fixed.

[Tinhampton]

The protagonist of Issue #608 "Thrown Into Sharp Relief", once a two-year-old boy called @@RANDOMMALEFIRSTNAME@@, is now a three-year-old girl called Adele. Everything else about the issue is the same.

[Democratic Yaradan]

Drasnia: 725.4 isn't a fixed name (I got Monica Leach). With this nation, I got 725.4 but not 725.3.

[Australian rePublic]

Double Down On Double Time?

The Issue

Turning up one bright Monday morning, you are met with a mob of angry janitors, delivery drivers, security guards and cleaners on strike after legislation for increased weekend pay was defeated for the sixteenth time. Given that all available office space is full of uncollected rubbish and smells faintly of Friday’s lunch, a meeting on the issue has been held at a busy local cafe.

The Debate

“What do you think they’re striking for?” asks a department office intern and student Chuck Cotchin, still half asleep from working weekends at a greengrocers. “Fair wages for antisocial hours, that’s what! Do you know how many of us have to sacrifice our free time, our social lives and even our health for the same rate as someone doing a nine-to-five? Big business can afford to pay a bit more, so make them give us night shift and weekend workers extra pay!”

Accept“Having to fork out extra for weekend workers would sink us,” butts in nosy cafe owner Colin Khan, slinging a sweat-soaked dishcloth at his girlfriend so she can take over. “Me and the old gal have to scrimp and save to pay for staff as it is! Tell you what, you lot cut back a bit on all those wage laws for us small businesses and I might even be able to take the old nag out somewhere nice.”

Accept“We never used to rush about like this when I was a young’un,” interjects old-timer Milhouse Rikkard, holding up a queue just to talk to you. “Nowadays no-one seems to have enough time for a cuppa and a chat. Why don’t we go back to the good old days when you only had to work on weekdays, and everything closed at five? That’ll give us all plenty of time to get to know each other properly, like back when I was a nipper.”

Accept

Dismiss This Issue

Issue by The Federation of Australian Republic

Edited by Caracasus

[Frieden-und Freudenland]

Double Down On Double Time?

The Issue

Turning up one bright Monday morning, you are met with a mob of angry janitors, delivery drivers, security guards and cleaners on strike after legislation for increased weekend pay was defeated for the sixteenth time. Given that all available office space is full of uncollected rubbish and smells faintly of Friday’s lunch, a meeting on the issue has been held at a busy local cafe.

The Debate

“What do you think they’re striking for?” asks a department office intern and student Chuck Cotchin, still half asleep from working weekends at a greengrocers. “Fair wages for antisocial hours, that’s what! Do you know how many of us have to sacrifice our free time, our social lives and even our health for the same rate as someone doing a nine-to-five? Big business can afford to pay a bit more, so make them give us night shift and weekend workers extra pay!”

Accept“Having to fork out extra for weekend workers would sink us,” butts in nosy cafe owner Colin Khan, slinging a sweat-soaked dishcloth at his girlfriend so she can take over. “Me and the old gal have to scrimp and save to pay for staff as it is! Tell you what, you lot cut back a bit on all those wage laws for us small businesses and I might even be able to take the old nag out somewhere nice.”

Accept“We never used to rush about like this when I was a young’un,” interjects old-timer Milhouse Rikkard, holding up a queue just to talk to you. “Nowadays no-one seems to have enough time for a cuppa and a chat. Why don’t we go back to the good old days when you only had to work on weekdays, and everything closed at five? That’ll give us all plenty of time to get to know each other properly, like back when I was a nipper.”

Accept

Dismiss This Issue

Issue by The Federation of Australian Republic

Edited by Caracasus

Congrats, Aussie!

[Australian rePublic]

Double Down On Double Time?

The Issue

Turning up one bright Monday morning, you are met with a mob of angry janitors, delivery drivers, security guards and cleaners on strike after legislation for increased weekend pay was defeated for the sixteenth time. Given that all available office space is full of uncollected rubbish and smells faintly of Friday’s lunch, a meeting on the issue has been held at a busy local cafe.

The Debate

“What do you think they’re striking for?” asks a department office intern and student Chuck Cotchin, still half asleep from working weekends at a greengrocers. “Fair wages for antisocial hours, that’s what! Do you know how many of us have to sacrifice our free time, our social lives and even our health for the same rate as someone doing a nine-to-five? Big business can afford to pay a bit more, so make them give us night shift and weekend workers extra pay!”

Accept“Having to fork out extra for weekend workers would sink us,” butts in nosy cafe owner Colin Khan, slinging a sweat-soaked dishcloth at his girlfriend so she can take over. “Me and the old gal have to scrimp and save to pay for staff as it is! Tell you what, you lot cut back a bit on all those wage laws for us small businesses and I might even be able to take the old nag out somewhere nice.”

Accept“We never used to rush about like this when I was a young’un,” interjects old-timer Milhouse Rikkard, holding up a queue just to talk to you. “Nowadays no-one seems to have enough time for a cuppa and a chat. Why don’t we go back to the good old days when you only had to work on weekdays, and everything closed at five? That’ll give us all plenty of time to get to know each other properly, like back when I was a nipper.”

Accept

Dismiss This Issue

Issue by The Federation of Australian Republic

Edited by Caracasus

Congrats, Aussie!

Thanks!

[Drasnia]

#761: As Seen On TV [Cazalius lodra; ed:Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
Classic TV fans have pointed out that the terrible events of the recent @@CAPITAL@@ Stock Exchange bombing were strangely foreshadowed in long-cancelled shlock soap opera ”The Light of Day”, sitcom ”The Flimpsons”, and in a dozen other TV programs produced by the same media company.

The Debate
1. “Since we’re outperforming the Intelligence community, you should make use of our talents!” suggests producer Fanny Kim, sensing the opportunity for some great PR. “I figure that we’ve got our finger so tightly on the pulse of society that we’ve become psychically attuned to the zeitgeist of tomorrow. That’s why subconsciously, our programming content can predict that which your so-called experts are oblivious to. We’ll happily send you all our predictions for a small consultation fee.”

2. “They’re receiving information from elsewhere!” stage whispers @@NAME@@’s lousiest spy, Jason Bouring. “None of our agencies could have predicted the bombings, and I don’t think it’s likely mere TV producers could have made this string of perfect guesses. They must be in league with terrorists, maybe as spies sent from Blackacre. We must arrest them, and deal with these traitors harshly!”

3. “The only obvious thing here is that it’s all a coincidence,” points out mathematician Khethelo Roberts. “There was no reasonable way to predict the @@CAPITAL@@ bombings, and frankly there’s no reasonable way to predict terrorism at all. Best thing to do is to strip back security and intelligence services altogether, and give us taxpayers a break!” He yelps suddenly as black-gloved hands pull him into the back of an unmarked van.

Note that while this references events from The Enemy Within, it isn't marked as being part of that chain.

[Drasnia]

With the aid of Tinhampton's initial report, I'm able to fill in all the macros to #760 with absolute certainty.

#760: A Debatable Question [Maxemia ed:Gnejs]

The Issue
It’s election season in @@NAME@@, and several of the smaller political parties are voicing their concerns about being left out of the big televised debates, again.

The Debate
1. “It’s so unfair,” sulks Lord Kettlenoggin, leader of the Marxist Alliance For The Advancement Of Agrarian Libertarianism (MAFTAOAL), while speaking to a local gathering of six people. “We polled just below one percent last election cycle, and I demand to be heard! In fact, anybody that wants to join in should have the right to do so. The big parties are just scared to let us debate with them, but don’t let that get in the way of what really matters; vox populism, eh, populi.”

2. “It’s both fair and efficient,” lectures @@RANDOMNAME@@, majority whip for the Liberal Conservatives, while putting out a cigar on a @@ANIMAL@@ Supremacy Party campaign pamphlet. “Only the biggest parties stand a real chance at power, and muddling what really matters with thirty different fringe causes – that have no ground in reality – would be unfair to the voters. Trying to mess with the way we’ve been doing political debates since the dawn of time will only serve to put mental stress on the masses, so let’s not.”

3. “I don’t think we have to go to either extreme here,” suggests Simon Cobweb, former TV-producer and the freshest face on your team of spin-doctors. “If we gave the power to decide eligibility to some non-partisan commission, they could set specific criteria to be included in the televised debates, and a panel of impartial judges could rate prospects based on that. Now, that’s fair. It might cost an extra @@CURRENCY@@ or two, but can you really put a price on democracy? Hmm, I guess I just did, kind of.”

4. “All this debating is giving me a headache,” complains @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Minister of Daft Ideas. “Imagine all the time people would save if they didn’t spend the day listening to arguments about tweaking the tax code or giving benefits to old people.” He motions over to a window overlooking a lone activist spray-painting ‘MAFTAOAL FTW’ across @@CAPITAL@@’s main square. “I have an idea, what if we just stopped debating altogether? No meddling politicians, at all. Let the voters decide for themselves

[Eaischpnaeieacgkque Bhcieaghpodsttditf]

Issue 765, Don't Judge Me

Yesterday, the plaintiff, defendant, and jury in a local court had to wait over five hours before the judge arrived late. Furious over the waste of their day, the jury decided to reconvene this morning and charge the judge with being in contempt of court and criminal negligence of a national position. Some are claiming that there is a scarcity of national magistrates throughout @@NAME@@, and the political establishment is convinced that something should be done.

The Debate

“I’m being disgraced!” pleads the judge in question. “The public boos me even though I was on the other side of @@NAME@@ yesterday morning doing another case! The statistics are dire, @@LEADER@@. There are not enough judges for a country of our size, and we’re spread too thin. You need to appoint more colleagues for me on the bench. And while you’re at it, get me a pardon already.”

Accept

“I agree that more judges should be appointed, but how do we know they are not just motivated by power?” inquires your lawyer while fixing his suit. “Judges should be selected randomly like juries are. The only difference is that those who could be picked should be limited to lawyers and people who actually know how the law works. When a trial needs to take place, nearby people that fit the qualifications can be summoned and chosen from. I’ll take an oath that nothing could ever go wrong.”

Accept

“No, no, no, no, no! These are horrible ideas!” wails @@RANDOMNAME@@, a noted anarchist, while burning a judge’s robes. “The entire judicial system is an unjust use of brute force to suppress inherent human freedom. Abolish the judicial system and free us from the tyranny you politicians label ‘law’.”

Accept

“I say, that blubbering anarchist is on to something here, what!” realizes @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, your Minister of Defense, while smoking a cigar. “After wrangling unruly cadets, our valiant military officers should have no trouble disposing of court cases in lieu of overworked judges. That way, the courts will be under strict orders from you to do the job properly. And if people complain about it, why, it would be a jolly good workout for me to step and convince them that it’s okay.” He cracks his knuckles and grins cheerfully.

Accept

“You all are not taking this seriously!” foams @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Minister of Anger Management, while punching a hole in the wall. “You don’t need to change anything. The only thing that should be replaced is that incompetent judge who arrived late! Fire the crook and replace her with someone that actually wants to take the job seriously! I don’t care if that means judges can’t sleep or eat or whatever it is besides doing their duty to @@NAME@@. Our judicial system is counting on their undying loyalty to the law!”

Accept

Dismiss This Issue

Issue by The Ubermensch Serene Socialists of Eaischpnaeieacgkque Bhcieaghpodsttditf

Edited by Zwangzug


Tbh, I don't even remember submitting this issue. Lol. It seems to have stayed vastly similar to the submission. It feels great having another issue out there. Made my day.

[Askatopia]

Issue 763: Any Body For Science?

The Issue

A group of Disposable scientists have advocated loosening ethical regulations to allow scientists to perform research with live human test subjects.

The Debate

1. “Well, it is certainly difficult to find enough willing volunteers,” argues Dr. Nikita Mengele, who slinked into your office dressed in a crisp white lab coat. “Rare conditions such as Brancalandian Burps and Disposable Habitancy can only be found in a few individuals, and more often than not they refuse to take part in our studies! We need the government to step back and let us researchers decide who should and should not be tested upon, for the sake of medical science!”

2. “Don’t listen to her, The Executioner,” pleads Bob Gillard, directing his cries towards your potted plant. “Doctor Mengele blinded me with her so-called research! This is what happens when scientists think that they can do whatever they want. Surely you cannot just forget about the idea of consent! If anything, you should require a fully detailed consent form for any kind of medical procedure or treatment. If any scientists don’t like it, just take away their funding.”

3. “But what incentive would people have?” asks Gretel Mitchell, taking a wallet and syringe out of her bag. “It’s obvious that testing on live subjects is a priceless opportunity, and that is exactly why we should place a price on it! Mandate that all participants should be paid, say, 5000 Nuclear Bombs per day while they are undergoing tests. This stops low-rate scientists from going overboard, and it helps the poor. It’s a flawless plan!”

Issue by The Good Old Days of The 19th Century

Edited by Helaw

[The Candy Of Bottles]

761, As seen on TV.

The Issue

Classic TV fans have pointed out that the terrible events of the recent @@CAPITAL@@ Stock Exchange bombing were strangely foreshadowed in long-cancelled shlock soap opera ”The Light of Day”, sitcom ”The Flimpsons”, and in a dozen other TV programs produced by the same media company.

The Debate

“Since we’re outperforming the Intelligence community, you should make use of our talents!” suggests producer @@RANDOMNAME@@, sensing the opportunity for some great PR. “I figure that we’ve got our finger so tightly on the pulse of society that we’ve become psychically attuned to the zeitgeist of tomorrow. That’s why subconsciously, our programming content can predict that which your so-called experts are oblivious to. We’ll happily send you all our predictions for a small consultation fee.”

“They’re receiving information from elsewhere!” stage whispers @@NAME@@’s lousiest spy, Jason Bouring. “None of our agencies could have predicted the bombings, and I don’t think it’s likely mere TV producers could have made this string of perfect guesses. They must be in league with terrorists, maybe as spies sent from Blackacre. We must arrest them, and deal with these traitors harshly!”

“The only obvious thing here is that it’s all a coincidence,” points out mathematician @@RANDOMNAME@@. “There was no reasonable way to predict the Saràmkadôl bombings, and frankly there’s no reasonable way to predict terrorism at all. Best thing to do is to strip back security and intelligence services altogether, and give us taxpayers a break!” He yelps suddenly as black-gloved hands pull him into the back of an unmarked van.

Confirm: Dismiss This Issue
Issue by Cazalius lodra

Edited by Candlewhisper Archive

Two random names and one fixed- unsure if either of the randoms are gender based. Jason Bouring is most likely a reference to Jason Bourne.

[Rationalist Science]

#764 Dude, Where’s My Elected Representative?

The Issue

A recent survey of MPs in Rationalist Science revealed that only 50% of them actually live in the ridings that they represent.

The Debate

1. “This is a disgrace!” shouts street protester and irate bird farmer Kendall McClaine, whilst launching some sort of squishy projectile at your front door with a handheld catapult. “How is someone who lives in Northern Rationalist Science supposed to have any understanding of how people in Southern Rationalist Science live? My MP lives hundreds of miles away from the good honest folk he’s claiming to represent. Frankly, it’s an insult to the electorate. The government must force elected representatives to live in the areas they’re supposed to represent, or kick them out of office!”

2. “This is a democracy, remember?” argues Paul Nutter, who was elected to represent the rural fishing folk of Nexu-by-the-Sea, despite living in Vivaldi. “I may not live in the rural wilderness right now, though I’ll probably live there one day. But that doesn’t mean I don’t know anything about these places. I mean, I do have access to Kwikipedia, after all! Forcing me to resign is a slap in the face to the good people of Nexu-by-the-Sea and an insult to democracy itself!”

3. “There’s always room for compromise,” suggests noted centrist politician, Peter Sosa, who is known for attending as many government meetings as possible. “Obviously we need to have our politicians be knowledgeable about the areas they’re representing, but we also can’t deny them a right to choose their own place of residence. How about we instead compel all politicians to educate themselves about their chosen ridings? Force them to study the area’s history, culture, and languages and actually spend some time there. Then, test them! Give them an examination to pass to prove they know their stuff! If they fail, then they can’t run in that riding. After all, a little bit of knowledge never did anyone any harm.”

Issue by The Free Secular Federation of Nation of Quebec

Edited by Candlewhisper Archive

[Candlewhisper Archive]

Hmm, on 761, amazingly and astoundingly, I managed to entirely drop an option from the issue (761.3), by misplacing a single "@" symbol.

Now fixed. Just so y'all know, there's no option validity on that option, it was just my error.

Absence of said option leaves a pretty big gap in the choices, which is probably why the issue is sat at 45% dismissal. Doh.

[Pencil Sharpeners 2]

Issue 766: Carbon Emissions Are Why We Can’t Have Nice Things

The Issue

Signing that international climate treaty all those months ago really put a feather in your cap, and in the cap of Pencil Sharpeners 2. Stately banquets in Brancaland and numerous editorials on your progressive leadership; it really has been quite delightful. Today, however, a strongly worded letter from the treaty compliance commission arrived at your desk, asking you to detail how Pencil Sharpeners 2 plans to fulfill its obligations.

The Debate

1. “Well, we always knew this day would come,” laments renowned business tycoon Amanda Kennedy. “The important thing now is to ensure that the most business-friendly option is pursued. If we hook ourselves up to one of the established cap-and-trade systems, we can go shopping in the backwater signatory states and buy enough permits to allow Pencil Sharpeners 2ian companies to continue producing at their current rates. Our industry won’t technically reduce their emissions, but it’s an ‘international’ treaty, right?”

2. “Let’s do this the right way, yes?” suggests Diego Rice, avid ‘yes-man’ and resident of a territory completely devoid of oil and gas. “If you want a tried and true method for reducing carbon emissions, you can’t go wrong with a good old fashioned tax scheme. Yes, those territories with larger energy reserves and heavy industry will likely be impacted to a greater extent than those without, and socioeconomically it’s bound to be somewhat regressive, but we have to consider future generations. We can offset the damages by investing the revenue in renewable energy and social welfare, yes?”

3. “There’s another way”, posits Balon Busk, the nation’s foremost newspaper columnist on technology and fantasy fiction. “Carbon capture and storage technology has some great potential. Of course, kicking off new tech is always risky, so we’ll need massive subsidies for investments in the right infrastructure and equipment. But if we get it to work, we won’t need to reduce carbon emissions at all. We’ll just put it someplace it won’t do any harm and no one is likely to stumble upon it, like deep below the Misty Mountains or something. It’s the epitome of eating your cake and having it too! Expensive cake, but still.”

4. “This meddling in national affairs is sickening,” howls Katniss Yoo, an energy sector advocate known for her love of dramatic exaggerations. “Any one of the proposed options will decimate our economy, without having the slightest positive impact on the environment, probably. All the worthwhile companies will flee to more business-friendly jurisdictions, and Pencil Sharpeners 2 will die a horrible and painful death; that’s right, I said it: that treaty of yours will kill Pencil Sharpeners 2. Who’s going to appreciate all those flowers when everybody’s dead, huh? Trash the treaty!”

Issue by The Confederacy of Continental Commonwealths

Edited by Gnejs

[Trotterdam]

#763 Any Body For Science?

The Issue

A group of @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ scientists have advocated loosening ethical regulations to allow scientists to perform research with live human test subjects.

The Debate

1. "Well, it is certainly difficult to find enough willing volunteers," argues Dr. Nikita Mengele, who slinked into your office dressed in a crisp white lab coat. "Rare conditions such as Brancalandian Burps and @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Habitancy can only be found in a few individuals, and more often than not they refuse to take part in our studies! We need the government to step back and let us researchers decide who should and should not be tested upon, for the sake of medical science!"

2. "Don't listen to her, @@LEADER@@," pleads @@RANDOMNAME@@, directing @@HIS/HER@@ cries towards your potted plant. "Doctor Mengele blinded me with her so-called research! This is what happens when scientists think that they can do whatever they want. Surely you cannot just forget about the idea of consent! If anything, you should require a fully detailed consent form for any kind of medical procedure or treatment. If any scientists don't like it, just take away their funding."

3. "But what incentive would people have?" asks @@RANDOMNAME@@, taking a wallet and syringe out of @@HIS/HER@@ bag. "It's obvious that testing on live subjects is a priceless opportunity, and that is exactly why we should place a price on it! Mandate that all participants should be paid, say, 5000 @@CURRENCYPLURAL@@ per day while they are undergoing tests. This stops low-rate scientists from going overboard, and it helps the poor. It's a flawless plan!"

Issue by The 19th Century
Edited by Helaw

Mengele is obviously not random, but I don't know if Nikita is. Do note the pronoun used for Dr. Mengele in the second option, so at least one of them needs to have a fixed gender.

Just in case, the first names I got for options 2 and 3 were Cooper and Jessica.

[Tinhampton]

Issue #763: Dr. Nikita Mengele (Option 1) is fixed. The names in Option 2 and Option 3 are random (Gregory Ford/Marin McCarthy were what I got for each).

[Trotterdam]

In #766, Balon Busk is fixed (based on Elon Musk). The other names are random.

[Araneidae]

#273 has six options now.

1. “It’s all a question of money,” says veteran teacher Joseph Webster. “If we really care about education, we’ll make it our number one priority. Double the education budget, halve the teacher-student ratio, and make sure every teacher has a master’s degree in education. After all, the children are our future.”

2. “As much as I’d like to have more money, it’s really a question of most of the faculty belonging to one of the most powerful unions in the whole of Araneidae that stops this school from being great,” says Principal Oprah de Jong. “I can’t discover which teachers are good and reward them for their excellent work, nor fire the useless ones. Destroying teachers’ unions is perhaps the most important thing we could do.”

3. ?

4. “I think specialization is the way to go,” says your defense minister, standing arm in arm with a bishop of transtheism and Araneidae’s humblest farmer. “Specialization lets each focus on what they’re truly good at, and I’m sure that religious institutions, the military, and farming collectives will contribute to train up the next generation, so we could save on government spending too.”

5. ?

6. “Looks to me like this is more proof that Araneidae’s rejection of free-market economics is denying students the education they need and deserve,” says market-analyst Winston Larson. “Now, I’m not saying that the state shouldn’t help people go to school - far from it. What I’m saying is that you need to allow private schools and reinstate the capitalist systems that allow for these businesses to operate privately. This social equality experiment has failed the nation’s children, and it’s time to offer them a better way.”

Sigh. Hard to keep up with all these changes. My old notes are pretty much useless at this point.