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by Trotterdam » Tue Jun 02, 2020 2:41 pm
by Candlewhisper Archive » Wed Jun 03, 2020 5:18 am
Trotterdam wrote:It's not that either. If the validity were "smoking is legal AND alcohol is legal", I would have been able to tell from my data, and I can confirm that's not the case.
"Smoking is legal OR alcohol is legal" remains a possibility, though I have no specific evidence for it.
by Valentine Z » Wed Jun 03, 2020 6:56 am
Candlewhisper Archive wrote:Trotterdam wrote:It's not that either. If the validity were "smoking is legal AND alcohol is legal", I would have been able to tell from my data, and I can confirm that's not the case.
"Smoking is legal OR alcohol is legal" remains a possibility, though I have no specific evidence for it.
Yep, that's correct. It's coded as being valid if either of those things is legal, and invalid only if both are illegal.
by Deep Communism » Wed Jun 03, 2020 12:58 pm
#1334: Withdrawing Diplomatic Relations
The Issue
At a recent international summit in Brancaland, the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ delegation became violently ill. Brancalandian doctors say all of them were suffering withdrawal symptoms because they were addicted to the drugs in @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ tap water.
The Debate
1 “It’s really sad to see what these drugs have done to your people,” quacks Dr. Naki de Vries of the Brancalandian Health Service. “One of your envoy’s aides almost died of hyponatremia because she drank so much water trying to get high. And that’s not even getting into long-term health effects for people that have been on these drugs their whole lives, or the developmental effects on Deep children. Please, you have to stop drugging your country’s drinking water. We can help you organize a detox program.”
2. “Who ever heard of getting sick from drinking too much water? And what kind of nonsense word is ‘hyponatremia’?” comes the muffled voice of the aforementioned aide, sulking beneath a blanket in her hospital bed. “Everyone knows it’s important to stay hydrated. I’m not addicted to anything, and it’s obvious this is all just a cover story to hide the fact that someone poisoned us! We need to pull our diplomats out of Brancaland for their own safety and send those nasty Brancalandians a strongly worded letter!”
3. “Whoa, whoa, whoa! There’s no need for that!” interjects your Foreign Relations Minister, who downs a glass of water. “Our people just need a taste of home to keep them from getting, uh... homesick! We’ll just have to make sure all our diplomatic representatives bring a large supply of @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ drinking water everywhere they go, and warn them against drinking the local water in any of the countries they visit!”
Issue by The Shipwreck of USS Monitor
Edited by The Marsupial Illuminati
by Trotterdam » Wed Jun 03, 2020 2:56 pm
by Tinhampton 5z-F » Wed Jun 03, 2020 7:04 pm
by TalAkMaChen » Thu Jun 04, 2020 11:51 am
by The Free Joy State » Fri Jun 05, 2020 9:51 pm
TalAkMaChen wrote:I wonder if there's an alternative version to 2, but I don't think so since it's an NPC nation that would not have to distinct between matriarchry/patriarchy. Numbers are checked, names appear random, but who knows. Also three times italics, look out.
Edit: I got that one again, with a different set of names - all random. Gender might be partly fixed until confirmed otherwise.
by Lydia Anderson » Sun Jun 07, 2020 6:56 pm
Tinhampton wrote:The Candy Of Bottles wrote:110.2 now reads as:
Returning fire, both figuratively and literally, is Michelle Trump, biker gang leader and anarchist: “That there’s anyone claiming to be a government is ludicrous. People should be allowed to determine their own fate and survival without fear of breaking these inhibiting laws! All government officials should be removed at once, and all government departments stripped of all funding, if this country is ever to become well and truly ‘equal’!”
Michelle Trump is a random name - it is not hardcoded. However, the italicised section is the new section added in.
by Trotterdam » Fri Jun 12, 2020 10:27 pm
#1330 Guilt by AssociationNations with the No Prison policy do not get option 2. Nations without that policy get all four options.
The Issue
A former member of your cabinet has just been executed for masterminding a plot to assassinate you and take power. While most are now satisfied that the threat has been dealt with, one particularly paranoid adviser has raised the issue of the deceased's family.
The Debate
1. "These scoundrels are tainted by the crime of their kin," says one of your fervently loyal ministers, as @@HE/SHE@@ shows you information on the family along with their pictures. "Treachery runs in their blood and we must rip it out, root and stem. The only solution is to execute the entire family as well. If you don't, they will rise up and destroy us in revenge for what we did... It's better to be safe than sorry."
2. "I think executing them is a little bit extreme," counters your sister as she looks over the documents of the family. "If you're really that worried about them, you could always just put them in prison. It's more humane and it keeps potential threats out of the way."
3. "Come on, what century are we living in?" inquires your niece as she gently brushes your hair with a pink My Little Horsey hairbrush. "Show some mercy and let them know that they are safe under your regime. This will show you as a merciful and compassionate ruler, and leniency may very well inspire loyalty in them. I'm sure this will alleviate any bitterness they feel about their loved one being killed."
4. "I'm not too sure about just letting them carry on with things as normal," says your perpetually suspicious Secret Police Chief. "Let them think they are in your good books, but keep a close eye on them for the rest of their lives. Constant surveillance will make sure they don't get up to anything seditious."
Issue by Nuremgard
Edited by Baggieland
by Valentine Z » Fri Jun 12, 2020 10:45 pm
Issue Master List 0660 – 0679
- Added space between editor’s name. ed:Editor → ed: Editor.
- Issue 0661.1: → @@LEADER@@
- Issue 0664.1: @@RANDOMNAMENAME@@ → @@RANDOMNAME@@
- Issue 0664.2: @@RANDOMNAME@@ → @@LEADER@@
- Issue 0669: Changed description: MG&E is asking you → @@NAMEINITIALS@@G&E is asking you
- Issue 0672: Changed description: small town in @@NAME@@ → small town in North @@NAME@@
- Issue 0674: Changed description: establishment @@CAPITAL@@ Diner, it → establishment @@CAPITAL@@ Diner, it
- Issue 0675.1: Leader, for our children’s future → @@LEADER@@, for our children’s future
- Issue 0675.2: think-tank Convenient Truths → think-tank Convenient Truths
- Issue 0678.3: @@MOTTO@@! → @@SLOGAN@@!
Issue Master List 0680 – 0699
- Added space between editor’s name. ed:Editor → ed: Editor.
- Issue 0680.1: us! Leader, for the → us! @@LEADER@@, for the
- Issue 0681.3: Chief Technical Officer of the Have a Blast, Inc. → Chief Technical Officer of the Have a Blast[i] fireworks factory
- Issue 0682.5: The Institute → [i]The Institute
- Issue 0690: Changed description: the Pledge of Allegiance to @@NAME@@ on → the Pledge of Allegiance to @@NAME@@ on
- Issue 0691.1: the Glorious Eastern United Trout Empire → the Glorious Eastern United @@ANIMAL@@ Empire
- Issue 0691.2: the Democratic People’s Republic of @@CAPITAL@@ Boulevard nr. 10 → the Democratic People’s Republic of @@CAPITAL@@ Boulevard nr. 10
- Issue 0693: Changed description: E.coli → E.coli
- Issue 0693.4: E.coli → E.coli
- Issue 0698.4: editor of Socialist @@NAME@@ Magazine blows → editor of Socialist @@NAME@@ Magazine blows
- Issue 0698.4: end gun crime and → end gun crime
Issue Master List 0700 – 0719
- Added space between editor’s name. ed:Editor → ed: Editor.
- Issue 0704.1: a journalist at The @@CAPITAL@@ Post, → a journalist at The @@CAPITAL@@ Post,
- Issue 0707.1: the @@NAME@@ @@ANIMALPLURAL@@ Ice-Rugby → the @@NAME@@ @@ANIMALPLURAL@@ Ice-Rugby
- Issue 0709.3: Open Hands Society → Open Hands Society
- Issue 0713.1: Tour de @@NAME@@ → Tour de @@NAME@@
- Issue 0713.4: Viva la Pedalution! → Viva la Pedalution!
- Issue 0715: Changed description: GOLEM-100 → GOLEM-100
- Issue 0715: Changed description: GOLEM-100(1) → GOLEM-100(1)
- Issue 0715.4: hacker Stan Kirk → hacker @@RANDOMNAME@@
- Issue 0718: Changed description: VioletistsOnly.com → VioletistsOnly.com
- Issue 0718.1: VioletistsOnly.com → VioletistsOnly.com
- Issue 0718.1: bellows @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, Grand Poobah of the Violetist Order, as he pushes your brother out of the way and lowers his mighty rump → bellows @@RANDOMNAME@@, Grand Poobah of the Violetist Order, as @@HE@@ pushes your brother out of the way and lowers @@HIS@@ mighty rump
- Issue 0718.2: VioletistsOnly.com → VioletistsOnly.com
- Issue 0718.2: shouts @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, batting her eyelashes → shouts @@RANDOMNAME@@, batting @@HIS@@ eyelashes
- Issue 0718.2: my freedom as a single woman → my freedom as a single @@MAN@@
- Issue 0719.1: from her lips → from @@HIS@@ lips
- Issue 0719.2: at @@NAME@@ University → at @@CAPITAL@@ University
Issue Master List 0720 – 0739
- Added space between editor’s name. ed:Editor → ed: Editor.
- Issue 0720: Changed description: Brightheart → Brightheart
- Issue 0720.1: Brightheart News → Brightheart News
- Issue 0720.2: trying to get her attention → trying to get @@HIS@@ attention
- Issue 0721: Changed description: the @@ANIMAL@@ Gazette → the @@ANIMAL@@ Gazette
- Issue 0721: Changed description: the @@NAME@@ Times → the @@NAME@@ Times
- Issue 0721.3: No italics (imho… ttyl) → Italics (imho… ttyl)
- Issue 0722.1: HERstory → HERstory
- Issue 0722.2: Hanging Judge of @@CAPITAL@@ → Hanging Judge of @@CAPITAL@@
- Issue 0722.3: Men are Divine, Women are Slime → Men are Divine, Women are Slime
- Issue 0725.3: exclaims Genghis Cesar Bonaparte → exclaims @@RANDOMNAME@@
- Issue 0725.4: exclaims Hermes McGuffin → exclaims @@RANDOMNAME@@
- Issue 0727.4: adjusting his anti-smog facemask → adjusting @@HIS@@ anti-smog facemask
- Issue 0729: Changed description: Kick a Ginger Day → Kick a Ginger Day
- Issue 0729: Changed description: at @@ANIMALPLURAL@@ Lake Secondary School → @@ANIMAL@@ Lake Secondary School
- Issue 0729.3: Pear Phone Grande → Pear Phone Grande
- Issue 0729.3: What kids really need → What kids really need
- Issue 0732.1: us, King Rhodar! → us, @@LEADER@@!
- Issue 0736.4: notes Selma-Jessica Rios-Zhu → notes @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME@@-@@RANDOMFIRSTNAME@@ @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@-@@RANDOMLASTNAME@@
- Issue 0739.3: a priori → a priori
- Issue 0739.3: in loco parentis → in loco parentis
Issue Master List 0740 – 0759
- Issue 0752.1: This is her body that you’re messing… → This is her body that you’re messing...
- Issue 0753: Changed description: idea of plasma weaponry: that → idea of plasma weaponry: that
- Issue 0753.1: possibilities, Leader → possibilities, @@LEADER@@
- Issue 0753.2: Added Validity → Must have Private Industries
- Issue 0754: Changed description: craft @@ANIMAL@@-4, and East Lebatuck's Sputnak-3. In the aftermath, scientists have become alarmed over the possibility of Kessler syndrome → craft @@ANIMAL@@-4, and East Lebatuck's Sputnak-3. In the aftermath, scientists have become alarmed over the possibility of Kessler syndrome
- Issue 0754.3: @@ANIMAL@@-4 → @@ANIMAL@@-4
- Issue 0754.3: Sputnak-3 → Sputnak-3
- Issue 0755: Changed description: Man Vs Wilderness: Untamed → Man Vs Wilderness: Untamed
Issue Master List 0760 – 0779
- Added space between editor’s name. ed:Editor → ed: Editor.
- Issue 0760.3: a @@ANIMAL@@ Supremacy Party campaign → a @@ANIMAL@@ Supremacy Party campaign
- Issue 0760.5: Let the voters decide for themselves. → Let the voters decide for themselves."
- Issue 0761.4: Khethelo Roberts → @@RANDOMNAME@@
- Issue 0763.3: @@CURRENCY@@ → @@CURRENCYPLURAL@@
- Issue 0763.3: and it helps the poor. → and it helps the poor.
- Issue 0767.1: he is denying → @@HE@@ is denying
- Issue 0767.1: He is a transphobic person, using free speech as an excuse to cover his bigotry. → @@HE@@ is a transphobic person, using free speech as an excuse to cover @@HIS@@ bigotry.
- Issue 0771.2: his anger → @@HIS@@ anger
- Issue 0772.1: of the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Freer Enterprise Committee → of the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Freer Enterprise Committee
- Issue 0772.3: of the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Medical Association → of the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Medical Association
- Issue 0773: Changed description: selfie with him in → selfie with @@HIM_1@@ in
- Issue 0773.1: to his blog → in @@HIS_1@@ blog
- Issue 0776.2: show My Info Struggle → show My Info Struggle
- Issue 0776.3: of The Weekly Moan → of The Weekly Moan
- Issue 0778.2: good tagliolini con tartufo? → good tagliolini con tartufo?
- Issue 0779.1: I urge you, Leader, → I urge you, @@LEADER@@,
Issue Master List 0780 – 0779
- Issue 0783.2: Dinner-Dance for the Destitute, Masquerade for the Pox-Marked → Dinner-Dance for the Destitute, Masquerade for the Pox-Marked
Issue Master List 1300 – 1319
- Added Issue 1308. Originally reported by TalAkMaChen.
- Added Issue 1309. Originally reported by Trotterdam.
- Added Issue 1310. Originally reported by Trotterdam. Additional help from TalAkMaChen.
- Added Issue 1311. Originally reported by TalAkMaChen.
- Added Issue 1312. Originally reported by Jutsa.
- Added Issue 1313. Originally reported by TalAkMaChen.
- Added Issue 1314. Originally reported by TalAkMaChen.
- Added Issue 1315. Originally reported by TalAkMaChen.
- Added Issue 1316. Originally reported by Juniria.
- Added Issue 1317. Originally reported by The Candy of Bottles. Further refinement by TalAkMaChen.
- Added Issue 1318. Originally reported by Deep Communism.
- Added Issue 1319. Originally reported by Minoa.
- Edits from this post fulfilled.
- Issue 1309.3: Added validity: Must have Vegetarianism.
by TalAkMaChen » Sun Jun 14, 2020 3:10 am
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by Voxija » Mon Jun 15, 2020 3:41 am
#1342: Uni-ted We Roll, Uni-ted We Fall
The Issue
Public unicycle sharing systems have been appearing all over @@NAME@@. Daily ridership has ballooned to several hundred thousand users across the nation, but the populace is divided about longer term practicality, safety and stability.
The Debate
1. “This has been an amazing improvement to my daily commute,” says substitute teacher Joseph Nahasapeemapetilon. “Previously, I’d have to transfer between two different buses, a gondola and a cable car to reach my job at Hightower High School for Highest Education. But now, I can just use my smart phone to rent a unicycle near my apartment and store it at the kiosk conveniently located on the roof of the school. Sure, not everyone is a skilled unicyclist, but maybe the government could help by subsidizing unicycle lessons in schools and workplaces, with suitably qualified teachers.”
2. “These contraptions are putting me out of business, and are just plain weird,” complains diesel tuk tuk driver Oprah Thawne. “I used to get around fifteen riders every hour, but now only get a few random tourists each day. It’s meant to be traditional, what @@CAPITAL@@ is famous for! Look, I’ve got sixteen kids at home to feed and another three working their own tuk tuks, and let’s face it, it’s just not safe for people to be travelling on these one-wheeled death traps! If the government cared about us little folk, they’d ban these unicycles completely.”
3. “Those gas-guzzling rickshaws are a blight on @@CAPITAL@@,” counters environmentalist Willie Chekov. “Unicycle shares are a better alternative, but they too have already grown into an oversupplied nuisance. Our parks, beaches and lakes are littered with discarded unicycles! Many @@ANIMALPLURAL@@ have already died attempting to swallow the blasted things. Regulations need to be tightened and companies need to be held accountable for creating this mess.”
Issue by The Grand Duchy of Fine Television Programming
Edited by Candlewhisper Archive
by Electrum » Mon Jun 15, 2020 3:50 am
by Trotterdam » Mon Jun 15, 2020 6:18 am
by Voxija » Mon Jun 15, 2020 1:02 pm
Electrum wrote:Looks like platypuses is @@ANIMALPLURAL@@
Trotterdam wrote:Huh. Does anyone actually ride unicycles outside of a circus?
by Noahs Second Country » Mon Jun 15, 2020 2:34 pm
Voxija wrote:A unicycle issue?#1342: Uni-ted We Roll, Uni-ted We Fall
The Issue
Public unicycle sharing systems have been appearing all over @@NAME@@. Daily ridership has ballooned to several hundred thousand users across the nation, but the populace is divided about longer term practicality, safety and stability.
The Debate
1. “This has been an amazing improvement to my daily commute,” says substitute teacher Joseph Nahasapeemapetilon. “Previously, I’d have to transfer between two different buses, a gondola and a cable car to reach my job at Hightower High School for Highest Education. But now, I can just use my smart phone to rent a unicycle near my apartment and store it at the kiosk conveniently located on the roof of the school. Sure, not everyone is a skilled unicyclist, but maybe the government could help by subsidizing unicycle lessons in schools and workplaces, with suitably qualified teachers.”
2. “These contraptions are putting me out of business, and are just plain weird,” complains diesel tuk tuk driver Oprah Thawne. “I used to get around fifteen riders every hour, but now only get a few random tourists each day. It’s meant to be traditional, what @@CAPITAL@@ is famous for! Look, I’ve got sixteen kids at home to feed and another three working their own tuk tuks, and let’s face it, it’s just not safe for people to be travelling on these one-wheeled death traps! If the government cared about us little folk, they’d ban these unicycles completely.”
3. “Those gas-guzzling rickshaws are a blight on @@CAPITAL@@,” counters environmentalist Willie Chekov. “Unicycle shares are a better alternative, but they too have already grown into an oversupplied nuisance. Our parks, beaches and lakes are littered with discarded unicycles! Many @@ANIMALPLURAL@@ have already died attempting to swallow the blasted things. Regulations need to be tightened and companies need to be held accountable for creating this mess.”
Issue by The Grand Duchy of Fine Television Programming
Edited by Candlewhisper Archive
by Jutsa » Wed Jun 17, 2020 12:15 pm
(like I get it but still was kinda surprised) Thank you again to all the writers and editors. by Valentine Z » Wed Jun 17, 2020 2:23 pm
Jutsa wrote:Oh yeah, and Valentine, whilst under no "authority" to do anything, let me know if ever you'd like help putting together a chunk of the list. Not for old options (that was less fun for me anyway and frankly would be a nightmare to coordinate together on), but for sections of new issues.
ed: To clarify, not wanting to step on toes. Just wanted to throw out there that I'd be willing if ever you wanted it.
Frankly I've enjoyed not taking responsibility of the list, and as you can see even my list of nations/religions is still slow to update; just don't want you to be overloaded either.
So far, it's not as overloading for the new issues, but the backlog of stuff just needs to be shaved down more and more. And these I will need to go chronologically because, for instance, there might be an edit in Page 251 that conflicts with the current post from TalAk that I am combing through. For the older stuff, I got it covered so far, just need the time, with the next edit probably on next week. ^^by Jutsa » Wed Jun 17, 2020 8:20 pm
by CBN FisiLabs » Thu Jun 18, 2020 10:33 am
The Issue
Tragedy struck when commercial airline pilot Bruno Grieg deliberately crashed his airplane into a mountain, causing the death of the 416 passengers and 12 crew on board. Afterwards, a medical report was leaked to the press revealing that the pilot had been declared “unfit for work” and suicidal by his doctor, but had failed to report this information to his employer.
The Debate
1. “What happened was the doctor’s fault!” complains the pilot’s brother, who is also blaming shoddy construction work for the broken door he kicked open to enter your office. “Had that quack reported the diagnosis to the airline, my beloved sibling would still be alive, as would all those other people. Pilots should be obliged to undergo regular mental evaluations and if someone is deemed unstable, the doctor should be required to report this to the aviation authorities.”
2. “Look, the solution doesn’t have to involve breaches of confidentiality and invasions of privacy,” suggests a rep from the Federation Union of Commercial United Pilots. “The problem is a different one. Pilots in this country are completely mistreated, with airlines working them too hard for adequate mental health. It’s no wonder that some of them get depressed, or burn out. Airlines should be made to pay better wages, to provide more sociable hours, and to grant more paid downtime between flights.”
3. “Are you insane?” interjects Hillary Murdoch, CEO of budget airline EasyBlues. “Do you have any idea how much that would cost us? Do you want to be the one who forces ticket prices up? This all happened because the pilot who crashed the damn plane locked the cockpit when his co-pilot stepped out for a few minutes. Just enact laws that keep both pilot and co-pilot in the cockpit at all times. Cuff them to their seats for the duration of the flight; that’ll stop them wandering.”
by TalAkMaChen » Sat Jun 20, 2020 5:21 am
2. “These morally deficient sex addicts are making a mockery of the sanctity of marriage,” says @@RANDOMNAME@@, hand-in-hand with his two wives. “A marriage means you’re supposed to support your lovers for life. You should make these legal adulterers pay by having them live with their partners until the day they die – no separation, no vacations away from one another, nothing! If they don’t comply, they should be charged with adultery and receive the full punishment!”
2. “Hmm... I’m just not convinced,” wonders IT security researcher @@RANDOMNAME@@, who is wholly human. “There’s been tests done with adversarial images, and it’s just too easy to fool image recognition these days. The second someone puts a sticker on a road sign, we can’t trust any AI to obey! In fact, to reduce the possibility of such a hack occurring, we should stop AI drivers from getting behind the wheel. It’s for their own good!”
by Valentine Z » Sat Jun 20, 2020 6:17 am
by Jutsa » Tue Jun 23, 2020 12:18 pm
oh god yes, I'd say same here but honestly my near-perpetual exhaustion is perhaps an even more adamant foe.Procrastination is my worst enemy,
by Jutsa » Tue Jun 23, 2020 12:49 pm
#1320: A Case of Poor Turnaround [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
The Issue
The @@ANIMAL@@ Room — a @@CAPITAL@@ nightclub known as a swinging hotspot — was recently the site of a tragic fire that started with a flaming sambuca shot and ended claiming the lives of hundreds. Fire investigators have attributed the high number of deaths to multiple causes, but most notably the large revolving door which was the only access to the premises, which panicked crowds jammed against as they tried to escape the blaze.
The Debate
1. “Imagine being pushed from behind, trying to get through a door which you know is unlocked, but which is providing no escape because of the mass of people trying to get through,” narrates criminal legislator Melody Grove. “The simple solution? Doors that swing outwards. Every revolving door must either be flanked by or replaced by swing doors, and proper fire exits must be built into every building that is accessible to the public.”
2. “Look, I’m sad, I’m super sad about that tragedy,” says @@RANDOMNAME@@, manager of competing nightclub @@CAPITAL@@ Nights, as @@HE@@ pens a flyer for a Special Memorial Tribute Disco. “But do you really want all that bureaucracy putting a dampener on the whole nocturnal recreation industry? I tell you, all those dead party-goers would be spinning in their graves! Instead, step back and let the invisible hand of capitalism guide future fire safety measures. Customer choice and the laws of market competition will result in safer nightclubs, I guarantee it!”
3. “There’s potentially a silver lining here to the black clouds of smoke around this situation,” mentions your Minister of Surprises, popping up from behind a sofa. “A known dissident and vocal critic of your rule was amongst the dead. We should see this as a signpost to future opportunities. With a little surveillance of our political opponents’ social habits, a little well-planned arson, and a few strategically locked doors... well, let’s just say your problems will go up in smoke.”
--------------------------------------------------------------
#1321: Who Wants to Know a Millionaire? [Asle Leopolka; ed: Zwangzug]
The Issue
A climbing jackpot in the lucrative @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ national lottery has led to weeks of media frenzy, and at last, a ticket sold at a corner drugstore in @@CAPITAL@@ has been drawn. However, the winner has refused to come forward to claim their prize. A letter sent without return address purports to be from the winner, who demands to remain anonymous.
The Debate
1. “This is a matter of privacy and safety,” argues @@RANDOMNAME@@, a spokesperson for the pro-anonymity group Citizens Railing Against Peeping. “Releasing the names of these winners puts them in considerable risk. Last month’s winner was harassed by former partners, stalked by tireless panhandlers, and nearly robbed by half a dozen chuggers! Lottery winners need to be left alone so they can go back to their normal jobs — or not, as the case may be.”
2. “We must continue to publicize these lucky winners,” interjects your head of gaming, @@RANDOMNAME@@, while slipping on a pair of black leather gloves. “Our lotteries help fund important @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ programs like education, parks, and hacki- I mean technical literacy, so the people need to know the winners’ identities to ensure it’s not just government insiders who win. Plus,” @@HE@@ continues while putting on a clown mask, “we’re still a nation of laws. I’ll concede that a few weirdos will stalk the winners, but the overwhelming majority of our citizens are courteous enough to leave them alone. Now where did I leave my lockpicking set?”
3. “Gambling is the Devil’s vice!” proclaims puritan zealot @@RANDOMNAME@@. “Lotteries are a legal avenue for the state to rob the destitute and mathematically illiterate! I’ve spent millions of francs on tickets and haven’t won a fraction of it back! You need to not just protect the winner, but all of @@NAME@@ — outlaw all forms of gambling immediately!”
--------------------------------------------------------------
#1322: Introducing Altengarten? [SherpDaWerp; ed: Sedgistan]
The Issue
Last month, a prestigious @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ retirement home had a novel idea: combining aged care and kindergarten. The idea was well-received by geriatricians and geriatrics alike, and now participants are proposing the model be adopted across the care sector.
The Debate
1. “It wasn’t just a frivolous idea,” states trainee care home manager @@RANDOMNAME@@. “We attempted a trial run and monitored the subjects closely throughout. Every one of the elderly participants showed significant improvement in physical ability, mental health, and overall well-being. And the children learned valuable life lessons! Please @@LEADER@@, implement this model of care across @@NAME@@.”
2. “Sure, the trials showed promise...” begins @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Minister for Science. “But only one ‘class’ of children took part, and a mere 20 seniors! How in Violet’s name that’s considered a scientific trial is beyond me. Expensive policy proposals need rigorous trials and extensive research before being implemented wide-scale. If the effects are as beneficial as its proponents claim, surely it bears further study?”
3. “You have got to be kidding!” replies kindergarten teacher Harold Weissenegger. “If you think my precious little kiddos are better off in a musty old folks’ home, you’re insane. No-one knows anything about what old Glynis or Ernest are like with children, and these kids won’t be the experiment to find out! Youngsters belong in the classroom with structured, disciplined teaching — old people’s homes should be for old people only.”
4. “Yesterday, I had to change four patients in the space of half an hour,” interjects @@RANDOMNAME@@, an overworked carer from @@NAME@@ City Lakes, “And you want me to supervise children too? Nope. If you’re going to put youngsters in retirement homes, they’ll need to pull their weight. They can do all the dirty work, like changing soiled bed linen, while us qualified carers do the proper stuff! Maybe then I can finally catch a break.” @@HE@@ breathes an audible sigh of relief
--------------------------------------------------------------
#1323: Toss the Coin? [Frieden-und Freudenland; ed: Baggieland]
The Issue
A recent financial crisis has seen the currency of East Lebatuck plummet, making that nation a popular holiday destination for @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@. Some shrewd citizens have discovered that a one lira Lebatuckese coin, worth 0.25 of a @@CURRENCY@@, has exactly the same size and shape as a one @@CURRENCY@@ coin. Their similarity is fooling vending machines in @@NAME@@, giving an effective 75% discount to coin fraudsters.
The Debate
1. “If you allow this fraud to continue, I’ll go bankrupt!” yells @@RANDOMNAME@@, the owner of the Eckie-Cola Company, emptying @@HIS@@ pockets and scattering dozens of East Lebatuckese coins on your desk. “These marauders have come back from holiday and literally plundered our coin-operated vending machines. @@LEADER@@, you must mint new coins: make them bigger, smaller, rectangular, hexagonal — I don’t care! Just make them different from these!”
2. “@@CURRENCYPLURAL@@ are the symbols of our national pride; you can’t change them!” roars @@RANDOMNAME@@, a cultural conservative whose clothes pre-date your rule. “If anything needs to be changed, it’s them stupid East Lebatuckese coins that were minted to mimic and thus devalue our currency. Just tell those impertinent counterfeiters to alter their money, or else we will prohibit our citizens from travelling to their country. Let’s see how well they’ll fare without the tourism income we generate.”
3. “No, no, no, you can’t do that; tourism is precisely the solution to this problem,” states @@RANDOMNAME@@, a distraught holidaymaker who has just come back from East Lebatuck with shopping bags full of cheap watches and chocolate. “You must remember that the East Lebatuckese lira lost so much value because of their economic crisis, so we tourists are helping to support their economy. Thanks to us, over time, the East Lebatuckese lira will come to be as valuable as the @@CURRENCY@@ and the problem will simply dissipate. If you want to accelerate this process, you can make it easier for us to help them by abolishing duty on all goods bought from East Lebatuck.”
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#1324: Wrecked by Wrestling? [Voxija; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
The Issue
A little kid has accidentally broken @@HIS@@ classmate’s spine imitating @@HIS@@ favorite wrestler Bulk Bogan’s “@@ANIMAL@@ Tackle” move.
The Debate
1. “Ban wrestling!” screams @@RANDOMNAME@@, founder of the group People Opposed to Practically Everything, using @@HIS@@ sign to break your office window. “My deadbeat ex took my kids to a wrestling match once, and that was the worst thing that ever happened to them! They began beating up other kids on the playground — my little girl tried to bodyslam a teacher. She now says she wants to be called ‘Saraya’ instead of Paige, which is her real name and far more sensible. Outlaw this ritualised violence! Do it for the children.”
2. “I’m THE BULK!” bellows Bulk Bogan, breaking a pre-weakened two-by-four on his own forehead. “You want to know what THE BULK thinks about all this? Only THE BULK can make these moves, but if you kids wanna learn these moves FOR REAL and FOR SAFE, then en... enr... bring them to the BULK BOGAN Academy for Little Wrestlers!”
3. “A school for wrestling? That’s not what @@NAME@@ needs,” says Kay Faybe, your Minister of Party Pooping. “All @@NAME@@ needs is an awareness program teaching people that professional wrestling is in fact fake. Then everyone would just stop complaining.”
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#1325: Having Faith in Communism [Sensorland; ed: Zwangzug]
The Issue
Joseph Rushev, the Chairman of the East Lebatuck Communist Party, has accused you of “betraying the ideals of communism” by imposing @@FAITH@@ on the populace of @@NAME@@.
The Debate
1. “How dare this heathen accuse us of such a thing!” thunders your Minister of Righteousness, @@RANDOMNAME@@. “The teachings of @@FAITH@@ say riches are evil and that all people should help one another, and I think there’s something about seizing the means of production in there too, probably. In fact, it’s @@FAITH@@ that sustains socialism! Rushev is condemning his compatriots to an eternity of torment with this state atheism nonsense. I say we send missionaries to spread the word of @@FAITH@@ all around the socialist world, so our comrades can be just as enlightened as we are.”
2. “@@FAITH@@ is an integral part of our national ideology, but perhaps Comrade Rushev has a point,” notes @@RANDOMNAME@@, your ambassador to East Lebatuck. “We should stop officially mandating the worship of @@FAITH@@. Letting our comrades choose their own religious path will make them happier and more productive, and it’ll promote unity with our fellow socialist nations.”
3. “That doesn’t go nearly far enough!” shouts Maxist-Lenyoist scholar @@RANDOMNAME@@. “Religion is a tool used by the powerful to oppress and control the proletariat! To achieve true equality under communism, we must do as Comrade Rushev has, and ban not just @@FAITH@@, but all religion from @@NAME@@! Just think how productive all those old temples and shrines will be as factories!”
4. “Heathens, the lot of you!” ejaculates televangelist @@RANDOMNAME@@. “The pride of @@NAME@@ will be its downfall! Are we, as mere mortals, in any place to decide how wealth should be spread? Only Providence is wise and powerful enough to decide who should be extravagantly wealthy and who should be a beggar on the streets! Any attempts to promote ‘equality’ will only serve to incur divine wrath! Let the heavens choose who to reward and punish; abolish this heretical economic system at once!”
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#1326: Hostile Hospitality [Caracasus; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
The Issue
Two missionaries have been arrested in the avowedly atheist hermit nation of West Fedoriah while supposedly on a sightseeing tour of the country. They stand accused of undermining the nation by proselytising on behalf of @@FAITH@@.
The Debate
1. “This is a clear and concerted effort to foment dissent against our glorious Republic,” phones in the West Fedorian ambassador from his embassy, a repurposed bungalow on the outskirts of @@CAPITAL@@. “Our legal system is very clear on the penalties for such a heinous crime: twenty years hard labour in one of our reeducation camps. I imagine our President might be tempted to show some clemency in this case, were you to make an entirely voluntary donation to his chosen charity, the World Atheism Independently Funded Union."
2. “It’s never been our policy to support this kind of reckless endeavor,” sighs religious leader Ali Hyde. “Well, not for the last couple of hundred years at any rate. Look, while I appreciate the contributions these two have made to our faith, it seems clear to me this is a diplomatic matter, not a religious one. Why don’t we leave them to their fate, and stop all future travel to West Fedoriah to dissuade any other wannabe proselytists?”
3. “These two holy missionaries are martyrs of the faith!” declares your Minister of Holy Wars. “Or at least they will be, after we carpet bomb the city where their prison is. We must show these West Fedorians that they can’t mess with @@FAITH@@! You must agree: a crusade to convert them from atheism to the one true faith is the only way forward.”
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#1327: Which Right Is Right? [Australian rePublic; ed: Baggieland]
The Issue
A long-awaited undersea tunnel linking @@NAME@@ to the island nation of Albionia has been completed — and motorists are rejoicing, or would be — if it weren’t for the fact that Albionia drives on the opposite side of the road. Whilst the changeover happens easily, foreign motorists arriving in @@NAME@@ sometimes get confused over which side to drive on, leading to an increase in accidents.
The Debate
1. “I’ve had a vision on how to solve this,” states @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Transport Minister, as @@HE@@ places a name-tag holder around your neck. “We just need to erect more signage and road markings telling people to drive on the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ side of the road. This simple and economic measure will remind motorists which nation they are in, and the accidents will cease.”
2. “These Albionians are a bunch of nincompoops and a few signs won’t stop them from driving on the wrong side,” complains traffic warden Winston Sanders, who’s notorious for yelling at motorists. “I mean, I caught an Albionian going the wrong way around a roundabout. How do you even do that? Everyone knows that if you drive on the left side of the road, go clockwise, and if you drive on the right, go anti-clockwise. Signage won’t help. We need to ban Albionians from driving here until they pass our driving test.”
3. “I have the solution... again,” declares @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Minister of Creative Solutions, as @@HE@@ uses one of @@HIS@@ shoes as an impromptu drinks holder. “Why don’t we just make all our roads one way? Then it doesn’t matter which side of the road you drive on, nor which side the steering wheel is on. It only matters in which direction you travel.”
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