[SUBMITTED] I Am The Worker's Insurrection

[RedBrickLand]

Ok, I finished the 3rd Draft and implemented changes based on your feedback. Thanks a lot for the suggestions! Please do tell me what you think. Thank You!

[West Barack and East Obama]

Held existing... -> hold existing

In Option one, you need to close the quotation brackets. Also make the last sentence 'He smirks nervously' only. The first effect line also for some reason contains my addendum

Remove the full stops from your effect lines. Good job on the other two effects (though I do quite like the specific wording of commies are revolting, but you do you)

[RedBrickLand]

Held existing... -> hold existing

In Option one, you need to close the quotation brackets. Also make the last sentence 'He smirks nervously' only. The first effect line also for some reason contains my addendum

Remove the full stops from your effect lines. Good job on the other two effects (though I do quite like the specific wording of commies are revolting, but you do you)

Thanks a lot for the feedback again!
I Implemented all the changes you suggested above.
Also, the first effect line contained your addendum because I interpreted the first effect line basically as "revolutionary ideas get you far in life, if you don't make it seem like revolutionary ideas" but now I understand what you meant.
Thanks a lot!

[Brezzia]

Maybe, you can split your first option in two: one giving workers more rights and establishing regulations (or maximum hours in a day, minimum annual leave, minimum wage), and the other giving them power and exiling capitalists.

[RedBrickLand]

Maybe, you can split your first option in two: one giving workers more rights and establishing regulations (or maximum hours in a day, minimum annual leave, minimum wage), and the other giving them power and exiling capitalists.

Thanks for the feedback. Your suggestion definitely could work since the first option could just be appeasement while the second option is the more extreme approach. I'll try to split the option into two and then I'll either keep the changes or not depending on the feedback. Thanks!

[RedBrickLand]

Maybe, you can split your first option in two: one giving workers more rights and establishing regulations (or maximum hours in a day, minimum annual leave, minimum wage), and the other giving them power and exiling capitalists.

After some time, I have decided not to implement your suggestion above.
My main reasons for doing so are:
(A) Personally, I think the two options would be too similar.
(B) I believe that in order to appease all the workers you would have to both give them rights and, at the very least, punish those they see as the capitalist oppressors. That way, they would truly feel free from what they see as capitalist oppression, so I think option one would be flawed.

Thanks a lot for the feedback though!
If you would like to see Brezzia's suggestion above implemented, post a reply suggesting me to do so.
If there are enough replies agreeing with Brezzia's suggestion, I will implement it.
Thanks!

[Brezzia]

After some time, I have decided not to implement your suggestion above.
My main reasons for doing so are:
(A) Personally, I think the two options would be too similar.
(B) I believe that in order to appease all the workers you would have to both give them rights and, at the very least, punish those they see as the capitalist oppressors. That way, they would truly feel free from what they see as capitalist oppression, so I think option one would be flawed.

Thanks a lot for the feedback though!
If you would like to see Brezzia's suggestion above implemented, post a reply suggesting me to do so.
If there are enough replies agreeing with Brezzia's suggestion, I will implement it.
Thanks!

I understand your point. Many NS issues have only extremist outcome, so your proposal is perfectly in line with them. I like your issue, you made a very good job!

[Verdant Haven]

- "It has been revealed" is a very passive introductory line. How was it revealed? Why are you being targeted? The line "…has been planning to incite" is also a bit limp-wristed. Many nations have plans laid out to do many things, should the situation warrant. Have they been actively attempting to incite this revolution? What have you caught them doing? Specifics in the scenario help inform specific decisions in response.

- It may be a bit presumptuous to declare that "most" workers in a player's capitalist nation hold socialist sympathies. It is generally to be assumed that whatever decisions have been made so far, Leader has the necessary support for them. One could just say "many" instead of "most" here, and that might be reasonable. The final sentence of the description (starting "Fearing an imminent revolution…") isn't needed. It doesn't add to the scenario, and its space can be used for fleshing out details about what is happening. Provide suitable context about why a revolution is feared, and we'll know it without having to be bluntly told.

- In the first option, I would refrain from directly citing a real person's real works… Aristotle's Theory of Revolution doesn't really fit the NS world, in my opinion. There is no Politics Book V here. If you want to make that reference, change some element of it up a bit, or just drop the unnecessary "Aristotle" from the title.

- Also in the first option, without having any context or specifics provided in the description, it seems really out of left field to suggest that "appeasing the workers" means exiling capitalists. This is the first mention of oppression we've seen, and what "power and rights" is this speaker talking about? There are no demands, so those are entirely vague.

- Speaker 2A/B is talking about cracking down, suppressing, arresting, etc. I don't think they would shy away from saying "subdue" towards the end. McCarthy was not shy about his goals.

- I would probably put a validity on the entire issue to prevent it from going to nations that already have McCarthyistic committees.

- For effect 2, communism and socialism are not the same thing. I would set up the "commie" line more clearly, or else change it for something else.

- In option 3, what is meant by "communicating through a hidden camera?" Should it be hidden screen or monitor? This option also looks like the third sentence is missing a verb in the second half. Once they are weakened, so too will their influence on our workers do what? Be?

- I would try to be more specific in option 3 about what is being suggested. Spies to gather info… about what? Use trickery and deception… about what? Also, are there non-covert spies, and do spies do something other than spy? The wording is a bit awkward still.

[RedBrickLand]

- "It has been revealed" is a very passive introductory line. How was it revealed? Why are you being targeted? The line "…has been planning to incite" is also a bit limp-wristed. Many nations have plans laid out to do many things, should the situation warrant. Have they been actively attempting to incite this revolution? What have you caught them doing? Specifics in the scenario help inform specific decisions in response.

- It may be a bit presumptuous to declare that "most" workers in a player's capitalist nation hold socialist sympathies. It is generally to be assumed that whatever decisions have been made so far, Leader has the necessary support for them. One could just say "many" instead of "most" here, and that might be reasonable. The final sentence of the description (starting "Fearing an imminent revolution…") isn't needed. It doesn't add to the scenario, and its space can be used for fleshing out details about what is happening. Provide suitable context about why a revolution is feared, and we'll know it without having to be bluntly told.

- In the first option, I would refrain from directly citing a real person's real works… Aristotle's Theory of Revolution doesn't really fit the NS world, in my opinion. There is no Politics Book V here. If you want to make that reference, change some element of it up a bit, or just drop the unnecessary "Aristotle" from the title.

- Also in the first option, without having any context or specifics provided in the description, it seems really out of left field to suggest that "appeasing the workers" means exiling capitalists. This is the first mention of oppression we've seen, and what "power and rights" is this speaker talking about? There are no demands, so those are entirely vague.

- Speaker 2A/B is talking about cracking down, suppressing, arresting, etc. I don't think they would shy away from saying "subdue" towards the end. McCarthy was not shy about his goals.

- I would probably put a validity on the entire issue to prevent it from going to nations that already have McCarthyistic committees.

- For effect 2, communism and socialism are not the same thing. I would set up the "commie" line more clearly, or else change it for something else.

- In option 3, what is meant by "communicating through a hidden camera?" Should it be hidden screen or monitor? This option also looks like the third sentence is missing a verb in the second half. Once they are weakened, so too will their influence on our workers do what? Be?

- I would try to be more specific in option 3 about what is being suggested. Spies to gather info… about what? Use trickery and deception… about what? Also, are there non-covert spies, and do spies do something other than spy? The wording is a bit awkward still.

Thanks a lot for the feedback! I'll fix the problems you pointed out above and I'll make changes based on your feedback. I'll fix them as soon as I can. Thanks a lot!

[West Barack and East Obama]

- "It has been revealed" is a very passive introductory line. How was it revealed? Why are you being targeted? The line "…has been planning to incite" is also a bit limp-wristed. Many nations have plans laid out to do many things, should the situation warrant. Have they been actively attempting to incite this revolution? What have you caught them doing? Specifics in the scenario help inform specific decisions in response.

- It may be a bit presumptuous to declare that "most" workers in a player's capitalist nation hold socialist sympathies. It is generally to be assumed that whatever decisions have been made so far, Leader has the necessary support for them. One could just say "many" instead of "most" here, and that might be reasonable. The final sentence of the description (starting "Fearing an imminent revolution…") isn't needed. It doesn't add to the scenario, and its space can be used for fleshing out details about what is happening. Provide suitable context about why a revolution is feared, and we'll know it without having to be bluntly told.

Sorry, those were my bad >.<

[RedBrickLand]

I finially made the 4th Draft.
It took me a very long time because of a busy schedule, a much needed break, and overall laziness but I finally got around to finishing it.
Feel free to share your feedback!

I understand your point. Many NS issues have only extremist outcome, so your proposal is perfectly in line with them. I like your issue, you made a very good job!

Thanks for the compliment. Also, I guess I did eventually have to change option 1, exactly as you suggested.

- I would probably put a validity on the entire issue to prevent it from going to nations that already have McCarthyistic committees.

How can I do this? I was thinking of using an NS metric for the validity but I'm not really sure what NS metric I should use. I know that some issues use metrics(eg. Eco-Friendliness, etc.) in their validity but what metric could be used to measure whether your nation has McCarthyistic committies or not?, not sure.

Sorry, those were my bad >.<

It's fine. It's also my bad since I should've fixed those problems.

[Xenial]

All I see here is you need for help from the Issue Editors because when you submit your proposal it will be heavily edited. But I see your proposal as a Good and you need some help or support

[RedBrickLand]

/bump (This is warranted since this draft was no longer on the first page of the Got Issues? forum)
I'm still looking for more feedback and suggestions. Thanks!

[RedBrickLand]

/bump (This is warranted since this draft was no longer on the first page of the Got Issues? forum)
I'm still looking for more feedback and suggestions. Thanks!

[Daarwyrth]

workers regularly threaten revolt to have the government meet their demands

I feel this effect line could be a little sharper with humour. This also seems quite direct, so perhaps you could toy around with the effect line a bit. Maybe something with the workers chanting "we stole @@LEADER@@'s spine"? Or something with a lack of a spine, as that saying would fit the appeasement trope you're going for with the character.

as he points a V sign finger at his eyes, then at Melville Chamberlain

Perhaps it's just me, but I was a little confused at first when I read it. Only after re-reading it a few times I caught on what you meant with this. Perhaps you could rephrase this to "as he makes a "I'll be watching you" gesture at Chamberlain"?

anyone who advocates for workers' rights is suspiciously never seen again

Similarly like with the first outcome, I feel this could be a little sharper humour-wise. Maybe something like "the words 'fair' and 'wages' never appear together in one sentence in @@NAME@@", or something along those lines.

the nation's new foreign policy is colloquially referred to as "retribution"

Idem dito. Maybe this could be something along the lines of "nations who speak ill of @@LEADER@@ mysteriously succumb to revolutions shortly thereafter"?

[RedBrickLand]

I feel this effect line could be a little sharper with humour. This also seems quite direct, so perhaps you could toy around with the effect line a bit. Maybe something with the workers chanting "we stole @@LEADER@@'s spine"? Or something with a lack of a spine, as that saying would fit the appeasement trope you're going for with the character.

Ok, I'll try to tweak the effect line a bit to add more humor. Also, I don't know what you mean by the "we stole @@LEADER@@'s spine" thing. Please clarify.

Perhaps it's just me, but I was a little confused at first when I read it. Only after re-reading it a few times I caught on what you meant with this. Perhaps you could rephrase this to "as he makes a "I'll be watching you" gesture at Chamberlain"?

Ok, I'll try to change this part to become more clear. I actually had a hard time even finding out what the gesture was even called since I didn't know it's name(but I do use it, sometimes).

Similarly like with the first outcome, I feel this could be a little sharper humour-wise. Maybe something like "the words 'fair' and 'wages' never appear together in one sentence in @@NAME@@", or something along those lines.

I'll see what I can do.

Idem dito. Maybe this could be something along the lines of "nations who speak ill of @@LEADER@@ mysteriously succumb to revolutions shortly thereafter"?

I don't think I'll change this to your exact suggestion since the concern here is not how to respond to offensive remarks towards the leader but how to subvert the East Lebatuckese government from within. To be honest, I do actually quite like the current effect line but I'll still try to change it.

My conclusion is that I lack humor(not surprised).

[Lozho]

No spine = accepts other people's demands easily, i.e. appeasing them as per option 1

[RedBrickLand]

Oh ok, thanks for the clarification. It now makes a lot of sense. Thanks!

[Daarwyrth]

My conclusion is that I lack humor(not surprised).

I'm sorry if I came across like I was saying that, but that was not what I meant at all I only suggested sharpening the humour a bit in places, not that it was lacking. In the end, the draft remains yours and these are all just suggestions with the intention to help, but you're by no means obligated to follow every one of them.

[RedBrickLand]

My conclusion is that I lack humor(not surprised).

I'm sorry if I came across like I was saying that, but that was not what I meant at all I only suggested sharpening the humour a bit in places, not that it was lacking. In the end, the draft remains yours and these are all just suggestions with the intention to help, but you're by no means obligated to follow every one of them.

Oh, I didn't think your feedback came across as suggesting I lack humor at all. I know I don't have much humor and to be honest, I don't really mind. I'm not the one to make jokes. Your feedback didn't come across as suggesting I lack humor. I simply pointed out that I wasn't humorous and I said "not surprised" because I know I can't make a good joke without doing a quick google. As someone who isn't one to make jokes, I am thankful for people like you who help me sharpen my humor in my drafts, so thank you.

[RedBrickLand]

<snip></snip>

I followed all of your suggestions, tweaked it a little, and added it in the draft. Let me know what you think.
The 4.5th Draft is up!

[RedBrickLand]

/bump (This is warranted since this draft was no longer on the first page of the Got Issues? forum. I know it's only been a day since the last post but the forum has been very active.)
I'm still looking for more feedback and suggestions. Thanks!

[Daarwyrth]

/bump (This is warranted since this draft was no longer on the first page of the Got Issues? forum. I know it's only been a day since the last post but the forum has been very active.)
I'm still looking for more feedback and suggestions. Thanks!

It's better not to bump up the draft as often as you do now. Don't worry, people look on the 2nd and 3d pages as well for drafts to comment on

[RedBrickLand]

It's better not to bump up the draft as often as you do now. Don't worry, people look on the 2nd and 3d pages as well for drafts to comment on

Noted. Thanks!

[RedBrickLand]

/bump (This is warranted since this draft was no longer on the first page of the Got Issues? forum)
I'm still looking for more feedback and suggestions. Thanks!