[Submitted] Cracks in the Facades

[Verdant Haven]

Shockingly enough, for all of our environment-based issues, the only one that even mentions acid rain does so in passing in an issue about refugees. Figured it was high time I drafted something referencing that, and other environmental damages caused by heavily polluted environments.

3.6th draft

[Title] Cracks in the Façades

[Text] A photo-op at one of @@NAME@@'s most famous monuments has become the source of significant embarrassment after media commentators spent more time focusing on the unsightly environmental damage it had suffered over time than on the reason for your visit. Hurriedly ordered assessments have revealed similar problems at many of the nation's historic sites, caused by everything from acid rain to smog.

[Validity] Above average culture, terrible environment, and a free press

[Option 1] "How could we let this happen to our heritage?" roars @@random_name()@@, your First Deputy for Public Preservation, pounding a crack into your antique desk with @@HIS@@ fist. "We need to invest in the latest technology to save our monuments! I'm talking laser cleaning for the stone, reverse osmosis filters for the fountains, and anti-UV coatings for everything! If mother nature wants to fight us, we've got the weapons to put her in her place!"

[Effect 1] statues are equipped with gas masks to "preserve their historic appearance"

[Option 2A] "That sounds horribly formulaic, doesn't it?" interjects your Chancellor of the Exchequer @@random_name()@@, who recently proposed redesigning your currency to feature 'bolder choices' and 'a more dramatic palette.' "Instead of slavish obedience to the old form, let's give our monuments a new modernist look that suits the conditions instead of clashing with them. I've been working on a line of paint colors that won't show the staining so badly... I call this one 'Smog Breeze!'"

[Effect 2] old photos aren't the only things relegated to black and white
[Validity] Does not have Digital Money

[Option 2B] "That sounds horribly formulaic, doesn't it?" interjects your Chancellor of the Exchequer @@random_name()@@, who recently proposed bringing back physical money just so @@HE@@ could create whimsical designs for the bills. "Instead of slavish obedience to the old form, let's give our monuments a new modernist look that suits the conditions instead of clashing with them. I've been working on a line of paint colors that won't show the staining so badly... I call this one 'Smog Breeze!'"

[Effect 2] old photos aren't the only things relegated to black and white
[Validity] Has Digital Money

[Option 3] "Cleaning up a broken egg doesn't keep the radioactive beast that smashed it from coming back!" says the muffled voice emitting from the coat closet to which your Shadow Minister for Environment, Hazardous Waste, and Other Green Stuff recently found their office relocated. "Those are just temporary fixes to cover up the real problem: our terrible environment! We need new regulations limiting heavy industry, clean-air laws, and for goodness' sake let's stop dumping hazmat in the rivers. Now that's a permanent solution!"

[Effect 3] industries are suffocating under the concept of breathable air

[Option 4] "Do the beat-up old things look beat-up and old? Oh boo-hoo, cry me a river" snarks your Press Secretary @@random_name()@@, closing the vent to the coat closet. "There is no problem with the monuments – only a problem with those reporters! How dare those traitorous activists ignore your message and make you look bad? It's time to seize control of the press! That will put an end to these vile criticisms once and for all."

[Effect 4] "The World According to @@LEADER@@" is the nation's favorite (and only) news source

2nd draft

[Title] Cracks in the Façades

[Text] A recent photo-op at one of @@NAME@@'s most famous monuments became the source of significant embarrassment after media commentators spent more time focusing on the unsightly environmental damage it had suffered than on the reason for your visit. Hurriedly ordered assessments have revealed similar problems at many of the nation's historic sites, caused by everything from acid rain to smog.

[Validity] Above average culture, terrible environment, and a free press

[Option 1] "How could we let this happen to our heritage?" roars @@random_name()@@, your Minister for Putting Things on Top of Other Things, pounding your antique desk with @@HIS@@ fist. "We need to invest in the latest technology to save our monuments! I'm talking laser cleaning for the stone, reverse osmosis filters for the fountains, and protective coatings for everything! Let's put mother nature back in her place!"

[Effect 1] statues are equipped with gas masks to "preserve their historic appearance"


[Option 2A] "That sounds horribly dull, doesn't it?" interjects your Chancellor of the Exchequer @@random_name()@@, who recently proposed redesigning your currency to feature 'bolder choices' and 'a more striking palette.' "Instead of reverting to the old form, let's give our monuments a new look that will work with the conditions instead of against them. I've been working on a line of paint colors that won't show the staining so badly... I call this one 'Smog Breeze!'"

[Effect 2] old photos aren't the only things relegated to black and white
[Validity] Does not have Digital Money


[Option 2B] "That sounds horribly dull, doesn't it?" interjects your Chancellor of the Exchequer @@random_name()@@, who recently proposed bringing back physical money just so @@HE@@ could create whimsical designs for the bills. "Instead of reverting to the old form, let's give our monuments a new look that will work with the conditions instead of against them. I've been working on a line of paint colors that won't show the staining so badly... I call this one 'Smog Breeze!'"

[Effect 2] old photos aren't the only things relegated to black and white
[Validity] Has Digital Money


[Option 3] "Cleaning up a broken egg doesn't make it whole again!" comes a muffled voice from the coat closet to which your Secretary for Environment, Hazardous Waste, and Other Green Stuff recently found their office relocated. "Those are just temporary fixes to cover up the real problem: our terrible environment! We need new regulations limiting heavy industry, clean-air laws, and for goodness' sake let's stop dumping hazmat in the rivers. Now that's a permanent solution!"

[Effect 3] industries are struggling to accept the concept of breathable air


[Option 4] "Do the beat-up old things look beat-up and old? Oh boo-hoo, cry me a river" snarks your Press Secretary @@random_name()@@, closing the vent to the coat closet. "There is no problem with the monuments – only a problem with those reporters! How dare those traitorous activists ignore your message and make you look bad? It's time to seize control of the press! That will put an end to these vile criticisms once and for all."

[Effect 4] "The World According to @@LEADER@@" is the nation's favorite news source

1st Draft

[Title] Cracks in the Façades

[Text] A recent photo-op at one of @@NAME@@'s most famous monuments became the source of significant embarrassment after media commentators spent more time focusing on the unsightly environmental damage it had suffered than on the reason for your visit. Hurriedly ordered assessments have revealed similar problems at many of the nation's historic sites, caused by everything from acid rain to smog.

[Validity] Above average culture, terrible environment, and a free press

[Option 1] "How could we let this happen?" roars @@random_name()@@, your Minister for Putting Things on Top of Other Things, accidentally knocking a model of the capital building from its plinth in @@HIS@@ rage. "We need to invest in the latest technology to save our heritage! I'm talking laser cleaning for the stone, reverse osmosis filters for the fountains, and would it kill someone to invent servo-actuated umbrellas for the statues? Let's put mother nature back in her place!"

[Effect 1] statues are equipped with gas masks to "preserve their historic appearance"


[Option 2A] "That sounds horribly expensive, doesn't it?" interjects your chancellor of the exchequer @@random_name()@@, who recently proposed redesigning your currency to feature 'bolder choices' and 'a more striking palette.' "Instead of all that hard work, just slap a coat of paint on those monuments! We'll save money, the people will be happy, what's not to like? I've even been working on a line of colors that won't show the staining so badly… I call this one 'Smog Breeze!'"

[Effect 2] old photos aren't the only things relegated to black and white
[Validity] Does not have Digital Money


[Option 2B] "That sounds horribly expensive, doesn't it?" interjects your chancellor of the exchequer @@random_name()@@, who recently proposed bringing back physical money just so @@HE@@ could create whimsical designs for the bills. "Instead of all that hard work, just slap a coat of paint on those monuments! We'll save money, the people will be happy, what's not to like? I've even been working on a line of colors that won't show the staining so badly… I call this one 'Smog Breeze!'"

[Effect 2] old photos aren't the only things relegated to black and white
[Validity] Has Digital Money


[Option 3] "Cleaning up a broken egg doesn't make it whole again!" comes a muffled voice from the coat closet to which your Secretary for Environment, Hazardous Waste, and Other Green Stuff recently found their office relocated. "Those are just band-aid solutions to the real problem: our terrible environment! We need new regulations limiting heavy industry, clean-air laws, and for goodness' sake let's stop dumping hazmat in the rivers. Then we'll be stopping the problem at its source!"

[Effect 3] industries are struggling under the burden of breathable air


[Option 4] "Do the beat-up old things look beat-up and old? Oh boo-hoo, cry me a river" snarks your Press Secretary @@random_name()@@, closing the vent to the coat closet. "There is no problem with the monuments – only a problem with those reporters! How dare those traitorous activists ignore your message and make you look bad? It's time to seize control of the press! That will put an end to these vile criticisms once and for all."

[Effect 4] "The World According to @@LEADER@@" is the nation's favorite news source

[Verdant Haven]

Did a bit more work on this one.

Changelog:
- Adjusted descriptors of first speaker, and made their suggestions slightly less absurd
- Changed the direction of the second speaker's proposal to be less cliché and more responsive to the actual issue
- A few modifications to the third option to remove the brand name and tweak the angle, and to its effect line

[Verdant Haven]

More adjustments made - getting this one fairly close to a final form, barring additional input.

Changelog:
- Minor tweak in the Text
- Upped the aggression on speaker 1, increased specificity, and modified their description
- Adjusted speaker 2's language for additional artsy vocabulary
- Minor tweak to speaker 3's description and to Effect 4

[West Barack and East Obama]

Suggestion: make effect like 3 such that industries are gagging/choking at the concept of breathable air, adds to the joke a little I think.

[Australian rePublic]

How is this trip any more determental to the environment than any other trip a nation's leader would make

[Verdant Haven]

Suggestion: make effect like 3 such that industries are gagging/choking at the concept of breathable air, adds to the joke a little I think.

How did I miss that? Definitely a better idea :-P

I've adjusted that effect line.

How is this trip any more determental to the environment than any other trip a nation's leader would make

The trip has nothing to do with it. The monument has suffered environmental damage from things like acid rain and smog. When you visited, the media noticed that fact. I added a couple words to make that clear.

[Australian rePublic]

I only want to see you laughing in the acid rain...

[Australian rePublic]

Or you can take China's approach and ban outdoor BBQs whilst doing literally nothing else

[Fauxia]

I feel like the opening sentence of Option 3 could be made more funny and over-the-top (and also slightly more sense, given the point). I'm thinking something like "Cleaning up a sludge-covered egg doesn't prevent the invasive radioactive dinosaur species from laying more."

[Verdant Haven]

I feel like the opening sentence of Option 3 could be made more funny and over-the-top (and also slightly more sense, given the point). I'm thinking something like "Cleaning up a sludge-covered egg doesn't prevent the invasive radioactive dinosaur species from laying more."

On the one hand, I specifically chose the "broken egg" reference because that's one of the most common layman's explanations of entropy ("If you drop a broken egg, you don't get an egg that's whole"). On the other hand, this speaker is the shadow minister for hazardous waste as well, and radioactive Rodan would indeed be funny. Hmm. Think I'll aim to split the difference and incorporate some of what you're suggesting - let me know if you think it works!

That done, I'm going to move this one forward to Last Call. I'm pretty happy with where it is at present!